Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(SNICKERING)

Hey, hey, race fans, I'm Big Brick backwoods Crashman,

high over the majestic Canadian wilderness,

bringing you every wacky minute of the annual Cross Country Canuck 5000.

-Uh-oh! -(GROANS)

BRICK: It's a grueling run in the Saskatoon sun

at the height of the moose migration season.

So watch out, racers. Those track hazards have antlers.

Water mode activate.

-(BRAKES SCREECHING) -PETER: Uh-oh. Hmm.

Pardon me. Excuse me. So sorry. Coming through.

Car, engage anti-grav.

-CAR: Did you say, "Enrage Aunt Gracie"? -What?

Ignasius Quentin. This is your Aunt Gracie.

Did you change my status to super-gassy at Christmas?

-That enrages me! -No, I... It was...

Aunty Gracie, can I call you back? I'm in the middle of a race.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Never ever fear, Muttley, my canine co-conspirator.

This Canadian contest is all but conceded.

All because you snuck up here weeks ago

to set a series of sinister surprises.

-Now... Did you ring the spring? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Oil the oil-slicks? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Magnetize the magnet?

(SNICKERING)

(CHUCKLING) Good, good...

Muttley, I owe a great deal of thanks...

-To me! -(GASPS)

For thinking up such choice cheats.

Gazzle-razzle-frazzle-gazzle.

Since radio reception so far out here in the wilderness is sketchy,

I.Q. Ickly has upgraded everyone's helmets

with a high-tech satellite brainwave uplink.

So we can stay in constant touch with our racers...

With our minds! So what could go wrong?

Car, activate the comm-link booster.

CAR: You wish to imitate a cartoon rooster?

What? (COUGHS)

No! Activate the comm-link booster.

CAR: Activating comm-link booster.

-Sheesh.-Did you ever think

maybe your accent is why I can't understand you?

I don't have an accent!

Did you say, "Cause a ridiculous series of terrible accidents"?

Car, no!

BELLA: (AS PENELOPE) Oh my stars and garters.

(AS PETER) Hey! How did I get here? Why am I so short?

(GASPS) I'm I.Q. But I'm in Peter's body.

The comm system malfunction has caused us to switch minds. I think...

(GROANS) How does he think with a brain this small?

-I heard that. -(EXCLAIMS) I'm driving a stick-shift?

I'm too young to drive! Car! Car! Help!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Where's the steering wheel?

CAR: I do the actual driving. You designed me that way, I.Q.

-I'm not I.Q. I'm Peter.-Oh...

I'm in trouble, aren't I?

(AS DASTARDLY) Drat that intellectual imp

and psyche swapping shenanigans!

Drat! No moustache?

But I can still find a way to trigger my traps.

This day will still be Dick Dastardly's.

(WHIMPERING)

(SQUEALING)

How does he steer this thing?

(DASTARDLY GROANS)

(AS BRICK) Well, well, well, what do you know?

I'm racing again! Look out, world.

The Brickster is back in the saddle.

Right, Muttley?

(AS TINY) Mind-swap bad.

(AS PENELOPE) I declare...

I'm supposed to be a southern belle, not a southern Bella!

(AS MUTTLEY) Oh, razzle-frazzle razzle-dazzle-frazzle.

I.Q.? It's Penelope.

Sugar, your little radio gizmo went and mixed us up!

Are you fixing to unmix?

(AS I.Q.) The antenna controls are in Car.

An insoluble predicament.

(YELLING) More moose!

-(I.Q. YELLING) -(TIRES SQUEALING)

(ALL GROWLING)

(AS BELLA) Well, check me out. I'm Penelope Pitstop.

Everybody loves me and never chases me with torches. Um...

Ooh! What does this do?

(ENGINE REVS)

(ALL SNARLING)

(AS BELLA) Oh! Wings you don't have to flap.

How marvelous. (LAUGHS)

(CLANKING)

(AS DASTARDLY) My first fiendish trap,

a spring-loaded speedway.

Sure to get a rise out of the competion.

(CACKLES)

(CREAKS)

Leave my lever, you migratory miscreant!

-(GROWLS) -(DASTARDLY SCREAMS)

(AS PETER) Well, it's clear to me that one of these controls

must activate the mind-switch device.

I'm sure it's simple enough for a child to do.

CAR: I.Q. is a child with an IQ of 312.

That's pretty good for a little guy.

But I've got things under control.

-(GRUNTS) -(RATTLING)

-CAR: I don't think you should have done that. -(RATTLING)

(GROANS)

(AS DASTARDLY) Ha-ha! Victory shall be mine.

(AS DASTARDLY) Ha! That'll... What?

I'm in Pitstop's body?

Now? Drat! Drat, drat!

Ow, ooh! Ow!

Double drat!

-(MOOSE GROWLS) -Triple drat!

(AS PENELOPE) I declare...

This thing is trickier to fly than it looks.

Whoever's in my body, y'all best not scratch my car.

(AS I.Q.) Me. I mean, Brick.

I need you to recalibrate the antenna array

and reboot the comm system.

(AS BRICK) Right! Um...

How do I do that exactly?

(THUDS)

(AS TINY) Turbo good.

(AS PENELOPE) I'm starting to get the hang of this little old thing.

(AS PETER) Dastardly, is that you?

(AS PENELOPE) No, Peter. You're Dastardly.

I'm Penelope. I think.

It's just so disorienting.

-Am I winning, or am I? -(AS BELLA) Bleh.

I want to be somebody tall again.

(AS DASTARDLY) For my next terrible trap,

the trusty oil-slick.

Oh, no! Not the moose!

Stop, you antlered antagonist!

You'll oil the asphalt early.

(SNARLS)

-(GROWLING) -(SCREAMS)

(AS BRICK) Okay! So I just need to invert the polarity

-of the quantum flux manipulator. -(AS I.Q.) That's right.

While not forgetting to dampen the personality redundancy server.

Right. Got it.

Sounds simple... I guess.

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Just in time.

Better trigger this trap before...

(MACHINE BEEPS)

(AS DASTARDLY) Another bad timed brain-switch.

Drat! Why does this happen every time?

Every... Single... Time!

CAR: Activating emergency hover mode.

-(CAR SCREECHES) -DASTARDLY: Don't...

That was handy.

You know, you wouldn't look all that bad in purple.

CAR: Don't even think about it.

(AS BRICK) Hey, hey, hey, race fans.

This is Big Brick Crashman.

-I think I pushed the wrong button. -(CLANKING)

(GROANS)

-BRICK: My bad. -(AS I.Q.) Ugh. Gee, you think?

-PETER: Uh-oh. Whoops! -Uh-oh...

(PETER GROANS)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

PENELOPE: Oh my stars and garters.

-(AS PENELOPE) Thank you, Bella. -You're welcome, Penny.

Let's declutter with a little old roll-call.

-Bella is in Brick's body. -BELLA: Bleh.

(AS I.Q.) I'm a girl?

Now I'm scared to talk to myself.

And that sounds like I.Q. in mine. Peter?

Here!

So that just leaves, um...

Dick Dastardly in I.Q., in Car.

(AS DASTARDLY) What can I say?

Cheaters gonna cheat.

My magnetic plate will hold those hooligans for good.

(CLANKING)

(STRAINS)

(GROANS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

And now to claim the trophy.

-CAR: Moose. -A moose, am I? You touted up toaster!

You addle-brained adding machine!

You jazzed-up junk pile.

I meant, there's a herd of moose behind you.

You really don't listen, do you?

Yikes!

-(ALL GROWLING) -(WHIMPERS)

Go! Go!

Me? I'm just a jazzed-up junk pile.

Never mind. I'll do it myself!

(BEEPING)

Drat! Now I'm stuck too!

(GROWLING CONTINUES)

(AS PENELOPE) I do declare.

This looks like the little old end.

(AS PETER) I think you're right, Penelope.

(AS BELLA) Well, if we have to go, at least we've had this part

of the greatest race event in the history of professional sports.

(AS DASTARDLY) Oh, that's very comforting, you corporate media clown!

Muttley! This is all your fault.

(AS MUTTLEY) Razzle-frazzle-razzle-frazzle.

-(ENERGY PULSATING) -PENELOPE: Wait, look everybody.

Magnetic field holding us here is re-setting Car's controls.

CAR: Rebooting in progress.

Recalibrating the antenna and activating delta-wave transmission.

Dastardly, if I knew...

You did it! We're back in our bodies.

CAR: Welcome home, I.Q.

PENELOPE: But we're still stuck here.

And it looks like I'm not a bat anymore. (YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

PETER: We're free!

Hey, hey, race fans. This is Big Brick Crashman.

Back in my right body and back to business.

(ALL GROWLING)

BRICK: The racers are neck-and-neck

as they head for the finish line.

It's gonna be close, and...

-It's the Mean Machine by a nose. -(PEOPLE BOOING)

Dick Dastardly, this victory has been a long time coming.

How does it feel?

(GROWLS LIKE A MOOSE)

(GRUNTS)

Okay, that was strange.

Kind of moosey.

(AS DASTARDLY) Drat!

What are you looking at?

(MUTTLEY SNICKERS)

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