Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

-(HUMMING HAPPILY) -(LAUGHING)

-(WIND HOWLING) -(SHIVERING)

Welcome, race fans, to the Antarctic in The I Can't Feel My Toes 500.

Which we're going to have to rename

because I also can't feel my face, my fingers or any other body part!

-(THUDS) -The racers are making their final preparations

for today's thrilling contests

which will begin in just a few pulse-pounding...

(GROANS)

-Moments. -(GROANS)

(SHIVERS)

It's as cold as a frozen graveyard out here.

I love it!

(SHIVERS)

Bah! Who would want to race in such a calamitous climate?

I'm freezing my philtrum off.

Actually, the annual temperature in the Antarctic region

has increased substantially in recent years.

Many science-minded individuals believe we are on the verge of mass migrations

of polar animals to warmer climes. -(WHIMPERS SADLY)

-Why, that wouldn't be so bad, would it? -(CHIRPING HAPPILY)

Who wouldn't love to see more of these darling little penguins?

Face it, Dastardly, old chum,

you're being a Mr. Scratchy Pants

because it's too cold for you to cheat.

I don't need to cheat to win, you inconsiderate icle!

-(ALL LAUGHING) -Right.

Well, I don't!

If you can go one race without cheating, I'll...

Why, I'll...

Where a sign that says, "Dastardly is the man"?

-I would! -And do a little dance

while wearing a tu and snowshoes?

What color tutu?

-Pink! -Ooh, good choice.

-You've got a bet. -Then it's on!

-One race with very little... -None at all.

-(STAMMERS) -None.

-Just the minimal...-Nada.

-Requires... -Zero. Zip.

(GROANS) No cheating.

(BLINKING FORCEFULLY)

At all.

And uncross your fingers.

And your toes.

-DASTARDLY: Fine. -(BONES CRUNCHING)

I'll show them who needs to cheat.

Muttley, prepare to turn off all the booby traps we set for this race.

-Really? -Yes, really.

De-deploy the road spikes, unactivate the trap doors,

decouple the magnetic throttles,

recomboobulate the decomboobulaters,

invert the convex converters,

minimize the magnesium magnifiers

and blow out the fuses

on all the extreme energy explosives.

-Huh? -In the back seat.

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) -Huh?

(EXHALING RAPIDLY)

(WHEEZING)

(MUTED EXPLOSION)

-Missed one? -(WHEEZES)

Uh-huh.

-(PENGUINS SQUEAKING) -Racers, to your vehicles.

On your marks. Get set.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

Go!

-(ENGINES ROARING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

-(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) -(RACERS CHEERING)

(I.Q. CHEERS)

DASTARDLY: They're all in position.

Muttley, activate the...

PETER: (OVER SPEAKER) Dastardly, rember,

no cheating.

-(HEAD BONKS) -(GROANS)

Activate the encouraging e-mail messages.

(SCREEN BEEPS)

A message from Dastardly?

(PENELOPE READING MESSAGES)

Oh, how sweet.

Uh-oh.

-(ENGINE ROARS) -(TIRES SCREECHES)

Time for Turbo Terrific's terrific turbo mode.

Car, activate anti-gravs.

CAR: Did you say, "Release the sand crabs"?

Ah! No, I said, "Anti-gravs"!

I.Q: (SCREAMING) Get off of me!

Uh-uh, boys. Danger ahead!

Big hole in ice!

Blah.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Tiny, Bella, are you all right?

(ENGINE ROARS)

We're fine. We just had the life scared out of us.

It was wonderful.

Good job, Bernard.

-Have a cockroach cookie. -(CHOMPING)

Dastardly, you didn't have anything to do with that, did you?

No, of course not.

I guess it could have been an accident.

-(ICE SHATTERS) -(STRAING)

PETER: Whoa! PENELOPE: Oh, my stars and garters!

Bone Daddy, we need you.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

That was really using my head.

Oh, Dicky, I'm so disappointed in you.

I really hoped you were going to make it through one race without cheating.

For shame. But, I won my bet.

I didn't do it! It wasn't me!

Why do those shivering scoffers always blame me?

(SNICKERING)

Yes, that's a fair point.

But those traps aren't my doing! Not this time.

At least I don't think they are.

It's so hard to keep track.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What, a roadblock?

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

"Con...struc...tion detour."

Dicky, that's not even an original trap.

I didn't do this!

It's your handwriting!

No, it's not!

(RUMBLING)

What's going on?

(GASPING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

You would even trap yourself?

How low can you go, Dastardly?

(SOBBING) I didn't do it!

You have to believe me! I...

MALE VOICE: He didn't. We did.

All of the traps.

(ALL GASPING)

(PENGUINS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(PENGUINS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Ha! See! See... See that? Ha! Told you so.

I didn't trap us, the suddenly evil cute little penguins

captured...us. Wait... What?

(PENGUINS CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Drat!

(PENGUINS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Is this some kind of prank?

Everyone knows penguins are the cutest, cuddliest,

snugglerificist of all animals!

Razzle... Razzle-razzle... Ooh!

(GRUMBLING) Razzle-frazzle...

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Foolish non-web-footed ones,

we penguins are the most devious and untrustworthy of all animals.

But you're so cute and adorable!

(WEAPON COCKS)

Our fiendishly clever deceit

to keep human documentary filmmakers and scientists

from discovering how evil we really are.

Just ask them!

Every time one of these brainy nerdlings

comes down here to research us...

-(GROANS) -PENGUIN KING: We capture them

and make them sit on our eggs!

This frees up time for us to continue our plan... -(SCREAMING)

-...to speed up global warming. -(GROANING)

Global warming? But that's bad, isn't it?

Why would you want to do such a thing?

Because speeding up global warming

will allow us to conquer the world!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(ALL LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

All right, that's enough.

We have been at this for years.

Driving SUVs around, using charcoal grills,

spraying from aerosol cans.

When enough ice melts

busy-bodied tree-hugging environmentalists

will come down here by the thousands

to rescue us

-and transport us across the ocean. -(WEAPONS COCKING)

Once free of this frozen prison

we shall rampage across the globe

subjugating all weaker species with our natural superiority

and innate dress sense.

(GIGGLING)

-(PENGUINS SCREECHING) -(BOTH SCREAMING)

(PENGUINS ROARING)

But why capture us?

Because thanks to you

we can finally finish melting the ice

and conquering the world!

(CAR APPROACHING)

(WEAPONS COCKING)

(MOOS)

Uh-oh! My Global Warming Acceleration Machine!

Ruh-roh.

Dastardly, why are you carrying that thing around in your car?

(STAMMERS) Um, well, for emergencies.

But what kind of emergencies?

Well, what if I got cold?

PENELOPE: Then you wrap up in a blanket, here!

Oh, this is nice and toasty.

-And it's easier to carry around, too. -(MOANING)

Guess I didn't need the Global Warming Accelerator after all.

My bad.

-PENGUIN KING: Silence! -(GRUNTS)

Now, my loyal minions, activate the machine!

-How do we turn it on? -(SQUEAKING)

Here, trying jingling the handle. Is it plugged in?

You probably have to plug it in.

(PENGUINS SQUEAKING)

We can't let them activate that machine and flood the world!

How can we stop them in these ice chains?

By using this.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Lipstick? -What good is lipstick?

Not just lipstick, hot pink lipstick!

(SIZZLES)

Hot!

Ooh, they're going to notice we're gone!

Not if we use

natural resources to our advantage.

-(SQUEAKING ANGRILY) -Dumb human creation!

Turn on, turn on, turn on!

(SQUAWKS ANGRILY)

Come on!

We'll make them tell us how it works.

(SQUEAKING)

How do we activate the accelerator? Talk!

(TOES TWINKLING)

Playing it cool, are you?

Well how cool will you be when I do this?

(ICE SHATTERS)

Ah!

These aren't the prisoners!

(ALL STRUGGLING)

We need to get this junk back in Dastardly's trunk!

After them! As fast as our little legs will carry us.

-It's in! -Let's get out of here!

(MOOS)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(PENGUINS COUGHING)

Curse you, evolution!

-(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING) -And so our heroic racers have saved the day...

(THUDS)

And the world from from the creeping menace

of adorable overdressed seabirds.

-SANTA: Ho-ho! -(BRICK GROANING)

(PENGUINS SQUEAKING)

Get your opposable thumbs off me, you featherless louts!

You may send us to zoos across the planet

but you have not seen the last of us!

One day we shall rule the Earth!

(ALL CLAMORING)

The entire world thanks you.

You have saved civilization!

-Shucks. -We do that.

Winning the bet is fine, but I'm going back to cheating.

(SNICKERING)

Fair you well in your journeys, brave racers.

I salute you!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

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