Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

This is big Brick Crashman, with you again!

We're here at the world-famous Wacky Labs

waiting to learn what today's exciting new race challenge will be.

As always, we have Peter Perfect.

Hello, everyone.

-BRICK: Penelope Pitstop. -Hi, y'all.

-BRICK: The Gruesome Twosome. -Blah!

BRICK: Dick Dastardly and Muttley.

-Ha! -(SNICKERING)

BRICK: And I.Q. Ickly...

Hey, everybody.

BRICK: And over here, is the dashing Captain Dash.

Avast, ye TV-watching lubbers!

BRICK: And his PDQ-crew, Polly.

(SQUAWKS) We're all doomed. Doomed, I tells you.

-BRICK: Bugsy. -Hello.

-BRICK: Bluebeard. -Arrr.

BRICK: And Davey Bones.

Now, here's the owner of Wacky Races Sport Enterprises,

P.T. Barnstorm!

Howdy!

Brick, I am thoroughly excited to announce...

-(DOGS YIPPING) -Huh?

-(YIPPING CONTINUES) -(CAT YOWLS)

Hey, what's that alley cat doing in here?

He's scaring my poodles.

-(COUGHS) -Yuck!

Oh, Brick, be careful.

Isn't he just the cutest little thing?

-(RETCHES) -Don't get it near me!

I'm allergic to cats. As well as children, Christmas carols,

and the sound of laughter.

(LAUGHS) How can anyone be allergic to laughter?

-(LAUGHS) -(SNEEZES)

Gesundheit. And, yuck.

(SNICKERING)

Oh, where was I? Oh, yes.

For today's race, I proudly present...

The Track-a-Wack 3000!

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

PENELOPE: Why, I declare, it's an itsy-bitsy,

teeny-weeny little old racetrack.

It's nearly as minute as Perfect's brain.

Wow, that is small,

but isn't it too little for our cars?

Not as long as we have our boy-genius inventor around.

I.Q., will you show everyone

your latest science-gizmo thingy?

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

(ENERGY PULSING)

I call it the De-Bigifier!

(REVVING)

Cool name. What does it do?

Makes big things not big.

Hey, I've got a crazy idea.

If you use this to shrink us and our cars,

we'll be small enough to race on that teeny-tiny little track.

Smart.

What a good idea, Peter.

Tell them how it works, I.Q.

We just drive onto the staging platform, right there,

and the De-Bigifier does the rest.

I see.

Muttley, this is an opportune opportunity

to use deception and deceit to assure victory. Attend.

(WHISPERING INCOHERENTLY)

(SNICKERING)

-Understand? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then get to it, you half-pint hench-mutt!

(SMOOCHING)

This is a bad idea. (SQUAWKS)

Oh, Polly. You always say that

right before something horrible happens.

-PENELOPE: I think it's all very exciting. -PETER: It certainly is.

-(WHISTLING) -BELLA: It really gets my blood flowing.

TINY: Tiny want to get tiny.

(ALARMS SOUNDING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

The de-bigging matrix has been activated!

Hurry! To the cars!

Oh. Pickled herring. My favorite.

Hmm. Now, do we have any jam?

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

Where did they go?

Look out!

-(GROUP SCREAMING) -PENELOPE: Step on it!

Everybody else got really, really big.

What a strange thing to do.

No, darling. I think we just got small.

PETER: Oh, hey...

Do you think this has anything to do

with that shrink-ray I.Q. showed us?

TINY: Smart.

Now, where could they possibly have gotten to?

(SNEEZING)

ALL: (SCREAMING) No!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Is this Limburger and jelly?

Arrr!

(ALL SCREAMING)

BLUEBEARD: Arrr.

I can't see them anywhere.

Did you check the bottom of your shoes?

Ew!

-(CHEWING) Excuse me. -Yes?

That is the finish line right there, correct?

I believe, as the only racer left,

that makes me the winner!

-It does? -He crossed the finish line first.

So, technically, Dastardly won.

(SNICKERING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Where are we?

And what are those things? They're beautiful.

Those are red corpuscles. I'd say we've been digested,

and are in Dastardly's circulatory system.

I could stay here forever.

-I.Q.: (ON RADIO)I'm afraid you can't. -Blah! Why?

We were sent in without the use

of the miniaturization stabilization platform.

So in just under six minutes,

we'll revert to our original sizes.

-Inside Dastardly? -Ew.

(SQUAWKS) Abandon ship.

We need to get out of here, and fast!

The most efficacious route of egress

would be through Dastardly's largest orifice.

ALL: His what?

His nose. Just be careful not to touch anything, because...

Bella! What are you doing?

Oh, just getting a snack for the road.

That is exactly what I'm talking about.

We can't alert Dastardly's immune system to our presence.

-Why not? -I.Q.: It will mostly likely react

like we're disease cells, and send antibodies to destroy us.

I think they already know we're here.

-(CLAMORING) -Iniquitously intrusive intruders!

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

Those are definitely some antisocial antibodies.

And it's our bodies they're anti.

To the rigging, me hearties!

Set sail, and darn the torpedoes!

-Arrr. -What's the point?

Kiss your bumpers goodbye. We've had it.

Let's get out of here. C.A.R., activate emergency thrusters.

C.A.R.: Emergency thrusters activated.

(CLAMORING)

We're here with the winner, by default,

of today's Wacky Race, Dick Dastardly.

Dastardly, this is the first time you've ever actually won a race.

It must be very exciting.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, no, no... Not really.

(SPITS) Huh?

After all, it is only a race.

(BELCHES) Oh. Excuse me.

(CHUCKLES) Must be something I ate.

-(ENGINES ROARING) -(CLAMORING)

PETER: They're still right behind us!

Yes, but where are we?

This is Dastardly's brain.

Specifically, his cerebral cortex.

Ooh! Nice sulcus!

Mmm. Brains!

PENELOPE: I do hope us driving around in here doesn't affect Dastardly.

I.Q.: Stimulation of cognitive neurons

may cause him to exhibit random mental and physical aberrations.

So, no change, then.

Dastardly, please tell our audience about yourself.

Well, Brick, I was born at a very young age.

-(BRAIN ZAPS) -(GULPS)

-(EXCLAIMING) -Something wrong?

(EXCLAIMING) Of course not. Why... Do you...

(EXCLAIMING) Ask?

You just hit yourself.

-No, I didn't. -Why are you hitting yourself?

-(GRUNTS) -Why are you hitting yourself?

-(GRUNTS) -Why are you hitting yourself?

-(GRUNTS) -Why are you hitting yourself?

-(GRUNTS) -Why are you hitting yourself?

Now, that's a little peculiar. Even for Dastardly.

Dastardly's nose should be just around this corner.

BELLA: (EXCLAIMS) What is that?

I.Q.: It's a mucus barrier.

No, it's snot.

You're both right! Dastardly must have a stuffy nose.

Ahoy, there, skipper.

Antibodies off the stern, and closing fast!

I called it. We're doomed.

Not yet, we're not.

(CLAMORING)

We need to get Dastardly to sneeze

so we can get out through his nose.

How do we do that?

We need to get to Dastardly's eye.

This is ridiculous. I'm fine.

(YELPS) It's Pitstop! She's standing right there.

He's getting worse.

(EXCLAIMS) Now, Perfect is standing beside her!

Are you sure this will work?

We're in his eye, so he should see us.

But, how do we communicate?

Here, this should do it.

(ARROW BUZZING)

Perfect, you hyperthyroid hallucination, tell them you're real!

(GROANS QUESTIONINGLY)

Now, there's letters appearing over their heads.

Of course there are. I'll get him with this net.

You get ready to help me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

DASTARDLY: They say they are inside of me?

What? That's trespassing! And disgusting.

That's where they went! What else did they say?

They need to get out before they return to normal size,

and cause me to explode.

What? Don't you dare, Pitstop!

Get out of me, immediately!

Well, why don't they just drive out?

Well, apparently they can't unless I... Sneeze?

PENELOPE: I do believe they got our message.

Only 30 seconds left.

Let's get going.

What do I do?

You have to sneeze, Dastardly!

But I don't need to sneeze.

What did he say he was allergic to?

Dastardly, think of Christmas.

Uh, it's not working.

BOTH: Think of laughing children!

I've never seen a happy child!

Ugh. Now I'm just nauseous.

BOTH: You have to sneeze!

I.Q.: Ten seconds to de-shrinkifying.

-Intrusive intruders! -Antibodies come.

PETER: Come on, Dastardly. Sneeze!

-Sneeze, Dastardly! -I can't!

-Just sneeze! -I can't.

PENELOPE: Sneeze, Dastardly!

-(CLAMORING) -Intrusive intruders!

Seven seconds...

ALL: Sneeze!

It's no use. I can't sneeze!

-(RETCHES) -A cat?

But, I'm allergic to... To... To...

I.Q.: Three, two...

(SNEEZES)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hooray! They're back!

-Arrr! -(GROANING)

-Blah! -(MOANING)

Hi, y'all.

Well, then, race fans,

I guess we can call this week's race a tie.

What do you mean? I won.

If the other racers were inside you

when you stepped over the finish line, then...

-We all crossed together. -It's a tie!

Drat! Oh! Oh!

Why are you hitting yourself?

He does that now!

-Where's Muttley? -(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(YOWLS AND RETCHES)

(SNICKERING)

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