Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Welcome, Wacky Race fans.

I'm down-home sports reporter

Brick Crashman,

live from Catfish Spittoon County,

bringing you the Cross Country Deep-Fried Southern Ride 500.

ALL: Yee-haw!

C.A.R., prepare to engage hyper-boost.

Whoa!

I totally got this. Always turn into a spin. Or is it out? Hmm.

I do believe it will be prudent to rise above this situation.

Whoa!

Whoa! Now I know what a ceiling fan feels like.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Uh-oh!

Out of the way, you road-hogging reprobate.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

Whoa, Dastardly. I think you're trying to needle me.

DASTARDLY: This seems to be a precarious predicament for my fractiously fraternal foe.

DASTARDLY: (GRUNTING) Touche!

-I'm going to win this race. -(GRUNTS)

Get the point, Perfect?

(SNICKERING)

Dastardly, I know you get grumpy when you're hungry.

How about some drive-thru?

Muttley!

(DASTARDLY YELLING)

(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)

Drat!

Double drat!

Deep-fried drat.

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GROAN)

-Well, I'm not licked yet. -(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)

Time for Plan B.

My cousin, Longarm D. Law,

is the cliche-ly corrupt sheriff of this two-bit town.

Muttley, hand me the car phone.

(FEEDBACK ON RADIO)

Cousin?

Cousin, are you there?

Breaker, come in, good buddy.

This here is Dick Dastardly. Come back.

Sheriff Longarm D. Law here.

Don't look now, cousin,

but you have a swarm of slimy speeders heading your way.

Speeders!

Aw, there ain't no speeding allowed in my town.

So you'll arrest them and stop them from winning?

I mean, and do your duty?

Oh, you bet your bootstraps I will.

I'm gonna snatch 'em up like a hungry possum at a crawdaddy cookout.

I'm going to assume that down-home gibberish means yes.

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, how nice. A representative of the local law enforcement.

He probably wants an autograph.

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(PETER YELLING)

Well, looky here, Officer Giblet.

Looks like we got him hook, line and speedster.

(SQUAWKING)

(DASTARDLY LAUGHING)

Yes! My plan is fermenting to fruition.

So many emotions.

Joy, jubilation, jollity...

Just a minute. Why am I going backwards?

What we have here is a failure to decelerate.

Cousin, you duplicitous double-dealer.

The plan was to arrest the other racers, not me.

Sorry, cousin, speeding is speeding

and I do love giving out tickets.

But we're family.

Isn't blood thicker than water?

It's certainly tastier.

Y'all do the crime, y'all serve the time.

-Giblet, book 'em. -(BELCHES)

(SQUAWKING)

(YOWLS)

(CAMERA SNAPS)

(CAMERA SNAPS)

What? Muttley!

-(CAMERA SNAPS) -(SNICKERING)

LONGARM: Next.

(CAMERA SNAPS)

-Oh, honey, can you take another... -Next.

-Here's my happy face. -(CAMERA SNAPS)

-Here's my mad face. -(CAMERA SNAPS)

Here's one where I kiss my biceps.

-Next! -What? No!

-I have so many more looks. Confused, surprised... -Next!

Can you stand on your tippy toes?

-BELLA: Any better? -Next.

-(CAMERA SNAPS) -(GRUNTING)

Light, bad.

(SNARLING)

There, there, Tiny. Let all the bad feelings out.

That's a good little monster.

These guys for real?

I can't believe

that my no-good cousin would betray me like this.

I can't believe he impounded our cars.

Howdy, happy prisoners.

Thank you for choosing the Catfish Spittoon County Super-Maximum Security Prison.

I just wanna take a second to give you a tour of the facility.

You're currently residing in a cozy cell with a number of amenities.

Not only do you have a bed, you have a sink and a toilet.

(YOWLING)

Another fun feature...

The walls are dynamite-proof

so you won't be tempted to escape.

This here is the yard where our inmates gather for rest and relaxation.

(EXCLAIMS)

Darn it, Giblet. I ain't no prisoner.

(SQUAWKING)

That there is my dead-eye deputy.

If y'all try escaping, he will be stopping y'all.

This here is the cafeteria

where our staff serves up gourmet food.

What's on the menu today, Doreen?

Slop and grits.

In case of illness from Doreen's cooking,

-sick bags are located in your over-bunk compartments. -(INMATE VOMITING)

That's our jail.

Remember to keep your arms and legs inside your cell at all times.

And enjoy your stay.

♪ Thank you for choosing

♪ Catfish Spittoon County

♪ Super-Maximum

♪ Security Prison ♪

We can't be in here for the next 60 years. We have a race to finish.

We need to escape.

But the walls are dynamite-proof.

But are they Steakasaki proof?

MAN: Steakasaki.

Hey, he said "stake."

Not that kind of steak. I'm talking about the meat, and silverware that cuts it.

You're going to escape from prison with a set of silverware?

This isn't ordinary cutlery. These are Steakasaki.

MAN: Steakasaki.

Japanese silverware so sharp, it can cut through steel.

I'm not only a client, I'm also the spokesperson.

Who are you talking to?

Hmm...

It doesn't even cut through this steak.

Curse you, false advertising.

If you want to escape from jail, you need someone who's been in one.

And that someone is me.

We'll dig our way out with my handy pocket Swedish Navy shovel.

(GRUNTS)

-Freedom! -(ALARM BLARING)

Drat!

Freedom!

(GROANING)

Double drat!

Freedom!

(GROWLING)

Triple drat!

(DASTARDLY EXCLAIMING)

GIRL: Bye, Tiny. Bye.

Mmm. (SLURPS ICE CREAM)

♪ Well, I drove too fast and I drove too far

♪ Well, I drove too fast and I drove too far

(SNORING)

(CLUCKING)

♪ Now I'm in jail and I miss my car

♪ Now I'm in jail and I miss my car ♪

(SNORING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

-(DASTARDLY YELPING) -(DOGS GROWLING)

(SNICKERING)

(STAMMERING)

-(MUTTLEY YELPS) -(DOGS GROWLING)

There's no way out of here.

My brain is out of ideas.

My brain just had one.

-One what? -An idea.

According to my calculations,

the prison laundry room does approximately 1.65 tons of laundry every week.

But with 2,000 prisoners in the jail, each with two pounds of dirty clothes,

0.35 tons of clothes are unaccounted for.

You know what that means.

The prison needs more air freshener?

No. It means we can hide in the laundry

and they'll take us right out of here because they do laundry outside the prison.

PENELOPE: I.Q., you're a genius.

Well, that's what the test scores say.

Hold that laundry!

I accidentally put my lucky underwear in there.

(GASPING)

What? You ain't my lucky underwear.

They're in here. It's like breathing burning cheese.

Well, I have a glandular condition.

-(ALL GASP) -Run!

C.A.R., I need you.

C.A.R.:♪ Swing low, sweet chariot

♪ Comin' for to carry me... ♪

I.Q.: (OVER RADIO)C.A.R., I need you.

(SQUAWKING)

Hey, free chicken and waffles in cell block D.

(SQUAWKING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL GASPING)

-Huh? -(SQUAWKS)

(SNICKERING)

DASTARDLY: Get me out of this pernicious prison.

ALL: Yee-haw!

(SIREN WAILING)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Quit trying to escape my jail.

Listen, Sheriff. We were only speeding because we're race car drivers

and it was an officially-sanctioned race.

Y'all are racers? (LAUGHING)

Well, why didn't you say so?

Me and Officer Giblet just love watching them racing matches.

So, we can go?

Why, sure. On just one little ol' condition.

So, after a brief pause in the action

the Deep-Fried Southern Ride 500 is back on

with Dick Dastardly and Peter Perfect neck and neck for first.

-(SIREN WAILING)-But what's this?

Yee-hoo!

It sure is better than giving out a bushel of tickets, ain't it, Giblet?

(SQUAWKING)

The signs just don't look good for you winning today, Dastardly, old pal.

Call back drat!

(CRASHING)

(DASTARDLY EXCLAIMING)

Ouch again!

(EXCLAIMING CONTINUES)

MAN: Steakasaki.

You wouldn't harm a rehabilitated former inmate now, would you?

(DOGS SNICKERING)

DASTARDLY: Muttley!

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