Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

NARRATOR: Behold, Ancient Rome.

Gaze at a timeless beauty.

Gawk at the unmatchable glory of the Roman Forum.

And grab yourself a sweet eye guzzle of the Roman Coliseum

where today's Wacky Race

-is about to begin! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Greetings, citizens of the Empire.

I am Brickius Stonius Accidentum,

coming to you live from Ancient Rome,

for the Emperor's annual chariot race and Bacchanalia.

The race today will be run by the greatest competitors in the known world,

which, as we all know, is flat, 800 miles wide,

and is carried on the battle shield of a giant named Steve

that lives on a mountain

and likes to dress up like a goat on weekends.

Let's meet today's racers, shall we?

There's Peter Perfectus.

Who has two thumbs and the face that launched 1,000 ships?

BRICKIUS: Penelope Pickius.

Howdy, y'all. I'm from southern Italy, near Atlanta.

-BRICKIUS: Dastardium Stinkurius... -(AUDIENCE BOOING)

...and his companion, Muttificus of Gaul!

Those other Roman racers have no chance of winning

because I have cleverly commanded my canine compatriot

to place beehives in their chariots.

-(CRUNCHING) -Oh, wait. I stepped on something.

-(BUZZING) -Muttificus!

You put all the beehives in our chariot!

(SNICKERING)

BRICKIUS: Inventor, philosopher, astronomer, soothsayer,

Intelligenius Quentellious!

I just chiseled all the world's knowledge

into these stone tablets.

I call it the Encyclopedia Romanica.

So much for ancient knowledge. Oh, well,

the Renaissance is only 1,200 years away.

BRICKIUS: And finally, two barbarians

from the uncivilized provinces of Noricum Laturnus,

Teenius Maximus and Vespertilio Minius!

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -Teenius toga too tight.

I think they got our togas mixed up.

The race will be run through the streets of Rome,

around the palace of the emperor,

then back to finish in the Coliseum.

(HORNS PLAYING)

BRICKIUS: And speaking of the emperor,

here he comes now.

The emperor with the temper,

the prince with the wince,

the grand guino grubby himself,

-Emperor Dinkus Minimus! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you, uh-huh, thank you.

It's me. I know, you're not worthy.

(CLAPPING)

Who told you to stop clapping?

(WINCES)

(CLAPPING)

EMPEROR DINKUS: On your marks, get set...

Oh, do just get on with it.

-(CROWD CHEERING) -BRICKIUS: And they're off.

PENELOPE: Yee-haw!

Come on, nice horsie. Go to the left.

(EXCLAIMS) Your other left!

Having a little trouble with your horse, sugar?

-PETER: No. Excuse me! -(SCREAMING)

Look at all these aimlessly wandering peasants, they're just roamin'.

Oh, I get it. "Romans"! Ha!

BRICKIUS: But in a prelude to today's contest,

each of the charioteers performed in a series

of exciting gladiatorial events.

So, before the race gets too far along

let's take a look back at those.

-(TV STATIC) -BRICKIUS: The exciting first event

was thrilling gladiatorial combat.

We who are about to fight, salute you, noble Emperor.

Yeah, yeah. Get on with it, already.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You know, these don't hurt that much.

Well, the Roman Games are a family-friendly Bacchanalia.

Now, taste my mighty cushion, doomed one!

(GLADIATOR GRUNTING)

Feel the harmless fury of my goose-down softness.

(GRUNTS)

PETER: Oh! Oh, very nice. Oh!

(SNICKERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Emperor, what is your judgment?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(EXCLAIMS) Mercy! Mercy!

Oh! Not a wet willius.

Not a wet willius!

(CHEERING)

BRICKIUS: Then, Penelope Pickius challenged

crazed Celtic druid warrior Celt MacBriton

to a clog-dancing competition.

No one out-clogs Celt MacBriton.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Top that, you wee lassie.

Oh, darling! I don't know if I can, but I'll sure try.

Boys, play some Roman music.

Roman countryside music, that is.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SOBBING)

BRICKIUS: Then, it was on to the stage where Intelligenius Quentellious

and the celebrated Roman philosopher Cicero

engaged in a heated battle of pure intellectual prowess.

Today, I will prove that the Sun is entirely made of cheese pizza.

And I shall prove that the sun is a plate of scrambled eggs.

(CHUCKLES) "Scrambled eggs." Lamus maximus.

It is true. The great astro-chicken

lays his sky eggs for Zeus' breakfast.

(SCOFFS) Preposterous.

Everyone knows the Gods eat anchovy pizzas in the morning.

The only time pizza is eaten for breakfast is when it's cold,

and since the Sun is hot, it must be made of scrambled eggs. Thank you.

-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) -Let's say you're right and the pizza is cold.

I think the Gods could heat it up in one of these.

-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) -Uh, what is that?

A machine I invented that reheats food.

I call it a "microwave".

(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Uh, that's not a bug. It's a feature.

BRICKIUS: Dastardium and Muttificus were given a special event

worthy of their skills.

You two shall compete in my favorite competion.

Oh, which one is that, your autocratic awesomeness?

Lunch. Release the lions!

-(LIONS GROWLING) -(DASTARDIUM SCREAMS)

Dratius, Dratius, Dratius!

BRICKIUS: Teenius and Vespertilio competed

in classic Roman Olympic events.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)

Frisbee go far.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Uh-oh.

Ha! Good thing I can turn into a bat or I would have been...

-(GROWLING) -(SCREAMING)

...crushed. (GROANS)

I'm really sorry about this.

-Not a noogius maximus! -(SCREAMING)

(TIGER ROARING)

-(SCREAMING) -(ROARING)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

The Moon is a giant gray hairball

coughed up by Zeus' congested cat, Fifi.

-(SCREAMING) -(ROARING)

(GROANING)

(TV STATIC)

Oh, Prince Brickius, you're so handsome and strong.

I can't resist you... (COUGHING)

Oh, hey, race fans. (CLEARS THROAT)

You're all caught up now on yesterday's events,

so let's get back to the race already in progress.

I'm going to win today. It's written in the stars.

Don't believe everything you read, darling.

I'm serious. The Moon is in the seventh house,

and Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Look.

Look where?

Hey! You tricked me.

(LAUGHING) The stars tricked you.

(LAUGHING)

BRICKIUS: Bringing up the rear are Dastardium and Muttificus

followed by Teenius and Vespertilio.

Muttificus, activate the olive oil slick.

(MUTTIFICUS GROANS)

-(VESPERTILIO EXCLAIMS) -(TEENIUS GROANS)

Rasbius frasbius.

VESPERTILIO: Woah!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(TEENIUS GROANS)

Let's try this again. Go right!

-(HORSE NEIGHS) -No!

Hmm?

-Oh, no! (SCREAMS) -(CROWD SCREAMING)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(SCREAMING)

PETER: Excusius maximus!

-Oh. -Okay, that's three gourds,

a box of chocolate-covered yak tongues,

and a commemorative Mark Anthony bobblehead totem.

That'll be 18 denarius.

I'll have to owe you. Let's go, horsie.

-(SCREAMS) -(NEIGHS)

(GRUNTS) We take credit cards!

(TEENIUS GROANS)

(GROANS)

-PENELOPE: Giddyap! -INTELLIGENIUS.: Accelerate equine velocity!

Muttificus, fire the catapult.

(SNICKERING)

(GROANS)

Oh!

-(HORSE NEIGHS) -Woah!

(TEENIUS GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS) These astronomical charts

didn't say anything about a meteor shower.

PETER: Woah, horsie! (SCREAMS)

Left. No, right. No, left again.

Nuts! We're right back where we started.

Amazed and confused.

It's a dead end.

How wonderful.

Teenius make hole.

(TEENIUS GRUNTS)

I refuse to lose this race.

Fire!

-And I do mean "fire". -(SNICKERING)

The stars didn't say anything about this.

I'm beginning to think the stars aren't that bright.

I see an opening.

PETER: Follow me! Here we go. Come on, that's it.

INTELLIGENIUS: It's getting hot out here.

-(TEENIUS GROANS) -PENELOPE: We made it!

Hot, hot, hot! Ouch-us, ouch-us, ouch-us.

Yes! My horse finally listened to me.

(HORSE EXCLAIMS)

No! You're going the wrong way.

(SCREAMS) This never happens to Charlton Heston.

BRICKIUS: And here they come!

It's coming down to the wire!

Dastardium and Penelope are in the lead,

and it looks like the winner is Peter Perfectus...

...empty chariot?

Oh, sure. Now you go the right way.

By the power invested in me

by... Well, me,

I hereby crown Buttercupus...

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -...champion racer of Rome.

(NEIGHING)

Whinny, whinny, whinny.

(NEIGHING)

Wait a minute.

This doesn't seem like a proper horse to me.

(NEIGHING) Yes, I am. I'm a horse.

I won the race.

Horses don't talk, right?

No, your genius-osity.

You are not a horse.

-Dastardium! -(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Oh, please! I just want to win once.

Uh, don't release the lions.

Release the lions!

-(LIONS ROARING) -(SCREAMING)

-(MUTTIFICUS YELPING) -(WHALE GROANING)

Well, that was fun.

Now, back to ruling the greatest city in the world.

-(GASPING) -Hey, who broke my city?

Time to get roamin'?

I hope all roads lead away from Rome!

Muttificus, this is all your fault!

You ain't going nowhere. Get back here!

Get back here!

Ah!

(BLEATING)

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