Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Brick Crashman.

Live from picturesque, Easter Island.

BRICK: Easter Island is famously covered by monumental carvings, claimed by natives

to be the images of ancient aliens

who once lived on this remote pacific island.

I believe this is the first year the festival is being celebrated

by hosting a car race.

Yes. We love the Races of the Wacky.

-(ALL CHEERING) -Go, go...

Penelope Pitstop is my favorite.

-I like the way Muttley snickers. -(SNICKERS)

And how Dastardly always cheats but his tricks backfire upon him.

(LAUGHS) Oh, it's so amusing.

Speaking of the racers, here they come now.

BRICK: And it looks like Dick Dastardly is in the lead.

Followed very closely by Peter Perfect,

Penelope Pitstop, I.Q. Ickly

and The Gruesome Twosome.

Muttley, extend the whirly wheels.

Hmm.

Are you still sulking because I didn't let you waste money on those

-silly souvenirs at the airport? -Mmm-hmm.

We didn't come here to buy baubles, you gullible goofball.

We came here to win the race.

Now, press the button.

-Hmm. -Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself.

So hard to find good help these days.

BRICK: Looks like Dastardly is up to his usual tricks.

Now, now, Dicky. If you can't win fair and square,

what's the point of competing at all?

The point is to beat you. To humiliate you.

To make your big, muscly eyes cry big, muscly tears.

Like this!

Taste my mustard gas super smoke screen, you...

(COUGHS)

PENELOPE: Oh! Uh-oh!

Oh, my stars and garters!

Boy, it gets dark early around Easter.

(DASTARDLY SCREAMS)

-DASTARDLY: Muttley, this is all your fault! -(MUTTLEY GRUMBLES)

Smoky.

This looks like a job for Bone Daddy.

Happy to help, boys.

Aw. Thank you, Bone Daddy.

(LAUGHS) Any time.

Sassafras! Where are we now?

What's that ahead?

Looks like a dead-end, chums.

Oh, good. I love those.

Golly, I hope this dark and mysterious cavern isn't filled with traps for the unwary.

Oh, Peter. Those things only happen in movies and unimaginative cartoons.

Oh, my butter biscuits.

Woah, Nelly!

Car, emergency evasive maneuvers.

CAR: Emergency evasive maneuvers engaged.

DASTARDLY: Muttley, I can't see a thing through this smoke.

Where are we? Muttley, activate the exhaust fan.

-Oh, drat! -Look out!

DASTARDLY: What are these ridiculous pillars doing here? Oh! Oh! Oh!

(DASTARDLY SCREAMS)

Muttley, you dim-witted dolt. Get down here immediately!

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES)

Can't you do anything right? How do you intend to get the car down here?

(SNICKERING)

TINY: Gadzooks!

I.Q.: He's collapsed the entrance.

-What do we do now? -At least no one was hurt.

I'm hurt.

We need to find a way out.

-Everyone look around. -I'll find a way out.

Car, search the cave.

CAR: Did you say "Call your friend, Dave"?

No! I said "Search the cave."

CAR: Calling friend Dave.

(RINGING)

-(SIGHS)-Hello. Dave here.

Hello? Hello?

Huh?

(MUMBLES)

(SNICKERING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(GROANS)

Can't you find something else to land on?

What is this?

Where did you get this?

I told you not to waste money on these cheap, knockoff souvenirs.

(RUMBLING)

(STAMMERING) What's happening?

-Nothing good. -It's never anything good.

Don't be pessimistic, boys.

(GASPS)

(GROWLING)

Hello.

(DEEP VOICE) Hello.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I don't suppose there's any chance you aren't here to conquer the world, is there?

(GROWLS)

-Nope. -Told you.

Quake and tremble in fear, puny heads.

For I now claim this planet for my own.

Enslave humanity?

Not while I'm around, buster.

-Peter, it looks like he's made of... -(GROANS)

-Rock. -You can run,

(GROANS) but you can't hide.

(PETER GROANING)

-I can't watch. -PETER: Take that!

Oh, I can.

Well played, giant rock-man.

(GRUNTS) Ah-ha! Victory is approaching, I can feel it.

(GROANS)

I felt that too.

I'm an Ameri-can. Not an Ameri-can't.

(GROANS)

I had a puppy named Daisy-face. (GROANS)

-PETER: Had enough? -Tiny?

PETER: I accept your surrender.

Hey, Tiny.

I got him right where he wants me.

Peter... Hero... Sleepy now.

That's right. Gonna take a little hero... A little hero nap.

I can taste my brains.

You'll never get away with this, alien!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I won't?

-Oh! -Ah!

-Oh. -Uh-oh.

At least you don't look ridiculous anymore.

(EXCLAIMS)

Tickles.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No, no, no don't take me. Take the dog. Take the dog.

(CRASHING)

(FOOTSTEPS CRASHING)

Dastardly, what did you do?

Me? Nothing. It was him.

-Muttley? -(WHISTLES TUNE)

(CHUCKLES)

Rise!

Arise, my brothers!

The Earth is finally ours!

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Go, my people. Conquer the puny heads.

(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, who are those guys?

(SCREAMING)

Dude, you are totally harshing our party. (GROANS)

All around me, alien creatures have arisen.

And are incapacitating the island's inhabitants.

If you can hear this, watch the skies, keep watching...

Never mind.

Now, my brothers.

Let your power flow through me!

Ah!

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Who ordered the large pizza?

It says right here to never ever, ever, ever remove the totem.

(YAWNS) What'd I miss?

We need to get this totem back onto the big alien's head.

-Which only a complete simpleton would attempt to... -I'm on it.

-He'll never make it. -Yes.

Real shame, that.

(GRUNTS) Oh...

Hmm...

BRICK: Hey, Pete.

Hey, Brick. How's it going?

Not bad. Got a big head.

Hmm...

Okay, alien. Let's try, round two.

Can I help you, puny head?

Um... Round three?

Dicky! You came to help?

Pitstop made me. Now, get on with it you grand-standing glory-hound.

All right.

(GRUNTS) Got him now! Take that, alien beings!

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Done! The totem is back in place.

The Earth is saved.

Haha!

-Oh... -I hate you.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Hmm? Uh-Oh.

Well?

(BUGLE PLAYS)

Muttley, get in!

(GRUNTS)

PENELOPE: Hang on, Muttley!

PENELOPE: Muttley, you gotta put the totem back on its head.

-Huh? -It's all up to you. You can do it.

I believe in you.

-(GRUNTS) -Jump!

(SLOW MOTION) Muttley!

Nooo!

-Whoo! -(GROANS)

(ALL GROANING)

-What happened? -We're all back to normal.

What about the aliens?

It worked. Way to go, Muttley.

Dog... Good.

So, everything's back to normal.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) Not everything.

Just look at me.

-Meh. Close enough. -Yeah.

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) Get back here! You can't leave me like this!

Muttley, this is all your fault.

(SNICKERING)

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