Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Hey, y'all! Bayou Brick Crashman here.

This week, the Wacky Racers will be racing through the swamps of Louisiana.

-(ENGINES REVVING) -(LAUGHING)

Ew!

Um, hi.

Move it or lose it, sister.

(GASPS) Pandora, you made it to the front of the pack.

Good for you, little sister.

Put a sock in it, Penelope.

You're only 12 seconds older than me

and I'm tired of driving in your shadow.

This race is mine, Dastardly.

(SNICKERING)

I said, this race is mine, Dastardly.

Giving me the cold shoulder, ol' buddy? Not very sporting.

Yeah, well.

Two can play at that game.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I don't need attention.

(WHISTLES)

(WHIMPERS)

Say something, please!

I crave attention.

I need to be the object of admiration.

Ha-ha-ha!

Perfect has fallen from my duplicitous decoy's distraction.

Hook, line and... (GRUNTS)

Anchor!

Ah. This bog smells just like my first graveyard.

(ALLIGATOR GROWLING)

Dang! You fellows have very sharp teeth and crazy eyes.

(ALLIGATORS GROWLING)

See you later, 'gators!

(GRUNTING)

(METAL RATTLING)

Ah! Muttley!

Uh-oh.

(GRUNTS) Ha! So long, Perfect.

Always fun yanking your chain.

(NERVOUSLY PANTING)

Not, eh, so fast, eh, Dastardly.

Ironically, I actually am a sports anchor. (SCREAMS)

Hey, Pete. How's the race going?

Uh, 'bout the same as usual.

Don't worry, kids. I practice for this stuff.

See you later, Dastardly.

(GRUNTS) Drat!

(SNICKERING)

(MUMBLES)

Pandora, stop that this instant!

(SCOFFS) No way, sis.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the swamp. Uh-oh.

Oh, my stars and garters.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Uh-oh. Better turn hard to starboard (GRUNTS)

Or is it port? (SCREAMS)

Muttley!

(BELLA SCREAMS)

(INCOMPREHENSIBLE MUMBLING)

(SCREAMING IN EXCITEMENT)

(PERFECT SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Why, my boat doesn't have a scratch on it.

-(THUDS) -Oh.

What are you so upset about?

-I'm fine. -(SCREAMS)

Just look at my boat, Dastardly.

I know. You scratched my finish.

Hmm?

(BOTH GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(SPITS) Good evening.

(SMACKS LIPS) Bit too much garlic.

(SCREAMS)

-Swamp bigger than a gumbo. -Ow! Ow!

Don't worry, sir. Those aren't swamp creatures.

It's just a Frankenstein monster and a vampire.

(SCREAMS)

Peter, you're not helping.

Oh, sweet Georgia peaches.

We seem to have taken a wrong turn.

Gee, thanks, all-seeing mistress of the obvious.

This is no time for sarcasm, Pandora.

We've got to figure out a way to get back to the race.

Ugh! I can't stand being in the same tree as you.

Ugh!

Oh, great. We're surrounded by alligators.

-This is all your fault. -Me?

Yes! You attract alligators. You always have.

What? Oh, that's ridiculous.

Sister, you really have to stop blaming every little setback you have on me.

You've been ruing my life since the day I was born.

Earlier, you were a terrible womb-mate.

I think we should take a deep cleansing breath and calm down.

Now breathe with me.

In with the good feelings, out with the bad.

In with the good feelings...

Don't tell me how to breathe. I'll breathe the way I want.

(BREATHES RAPIDLY)

You've always been super-annoying-bossy-girl.

-I have not. -Yes, you have.

Well, maybe this flashback will show you whether I was bossy or not.

See, you're making me watch a flashback. Bossy!

PENELOPE:Ever since I can rember,

I have celebrated your success.

-(PANDORA BURPS) -Yay!

PENELOPE:Whether we were performing in the school talent show...

(TAP SHOES CLICKING)

(PANTING)

Pandora, you tapped as sweetly as a five-legged cat

on a plate of hot grits and gravy.

I especially liked that one step you did.

-Which step? -This one.

(CROWD CHEERING)

And Penelope Pitstop wins the school talent show again.

(SHUDDERING)

PENELOPE: Or just getting ready for bed.

Nice job flossing those back molars, Pandora.

Ugh! You are so annoying.

PENELOPE:Or whenever I could be of encouragement.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

PENELOPE: Great job. PANDORA: Leave me alone!

We're back in the present. Oh, you can't even flash-forward right.

Pandora, let's be practical.

We've got to figure out how to survive the night out here.

Where are you taking? You taking...

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Tickles.

Listen to me, you crazed Cajun recluse.

We have to figure out how to survive the night in the swamp.

(INCOMPREHENSIBLE TALKING)

What did he say?

He said, we're going to camp out for the night.

Oh, what fun.

Did anybody bring s'mores?

Spending the night in the swamp?

-(SCREAMS) -Disgusting!

This couldn't possibly get any worse.

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

Ah! Mosquitoes!

Ooh, they're eating you alive.

I'm so jealous.

(SHOUTING IN PAIN)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(SCREAMS)

Muttley!

This is all your fault!

(ALLIGATOR GROWLING)

(SNICKERING)

What is it, Muttley? I have something on my face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi there, y'all! What's up?

(SCREAMS)

Leeches!

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Alligators. Next, leeches. This swamp is a paradise.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Pandora, come inside the tent.

I don't need your help.

Are you sure? I just made walnut pancakes with little smiley faces.

I don't want any. I've got beans.

Give me that back, gator.

I'm warning you. I can be sarcastic.

Oh, let me help you, sugar.

Hey, sweet thing.

(GASPS) Oh, you're just the cutest little gator I ever did see.

Here, you want your belly rubbed?

You do?

Oh, you do!

A little belly rub-rub.

Good boy!

You catch more flies with honey.

Tell that to those three gators raiding your mini-fridge.

Hey, get out of there! Shoo! Go on.

(ROARING)

Uh, okay.

Relax, sugar. I got it.

Nothing to it.

I bet I could get our boats out of the tree before you do.

I'd like to see you try.

-Mine landed first! -It did not.

-Did too. -Did not.

Did too!

(SNORING)

-(SHIVERING) -(SNICKERING)

We're going to starve out here.

No, we're not. All we have to do is wade under that bog

and pull out a couple of catfish to eat.

-Right, Swampy Joe? -(MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

Last one in is a rotten corpse.

(SPLASHING)

Now, to catch a catfish,

you stick your hand in the water and use that as bait.

When it grab hold, you pull it up. Voilà!

That was very clear. Let me try.

Hmm. Eh.

Uh. Mmm.

My catfish seems to be invisible.

-(SCREAMS) -(MUTTLEY SNICKERING)

Let's get out of here.

I'm stuck! And we're sinking!

You churlish clods of custards with your cloddishness!

We are doomed! Completely and utterly doomed!

Pandora, you can be so rude.

I know you are, but what am I?

I just told you, dear. Rude.

I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Ugh! I hate it when you do that.

Glue says what?

Stop your sisterly squabbling

and immediately egress us from this beastly bog!

(GRUNTING)

Hey! Oh, that bad boy.

(INCOMPREHENSIBLE TALKING)

Oh! What a lovely idiosyncratic vernacular that fellow has.

Get me out of here!

Take my tow rope and I'll pull you out with my boat.

No, use my tow rope. It's better.

Just hurry up!

(GRUNTS)

But how are we going to continue the race?

Our hydros have been foiled.

Okay. No, never mind. Swampy Joe fish 'em up

sure as a sun beam on a salamander. (LAUGHS)

I'm a certified race boat engineer and mechanic.

(LAUGHS) Didn't I mention that?

No, you did not.

(SNICKERING)

So after a slight delay,

the race is about to get back underway.

You know, I think we all learned something today.

I learned that I'd rather be eaten by a pack of piqued piranha

than spend another nauseating night with Perfect.

I learned the most important thing of all.

I learned that, whenever I need her the most,

I can always count on my sister and all her friends.

To fall for my tricks!

(MISCHIEVOUS LAUGHTER)

Tally-ho!

(MUFFLED): Racers! Onwards!

Oh! Huh?

What's stopping us?

(ALLIGATORS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) Oh, she done tricked you.

Oh, Pandora.

You know, I'm really starting to like that girl.

(SNICKERING)

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