Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(MUTTERING ANGRILY)

(SCREAMING)

(MUTTERING)

Get off my hood, you rusted retiree.

Can't you see I'm trying to win a cross country race through Italy?

(SCREAMS)

(SNICKERS)

-Well, hello there, ma'am. I mean, buongiorno... -(SCREAMS)

-Arrivederci. -(GRUNTS)

(MUTTERING)

Honey, we have a guest.

Friend.

(SCREAMS)

Friend gone.

There, there, brother. I'm sure we'll run into her again sometime.

-(GRUNTS) -Well, hello there, ma'am. Can I offer you a ride?

I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying traveling through your little old country.

(SLOWLY) Are you from around here about?

(GRUMBLING)

I just love your accent. So romantic...

PETER: (OVER RADIO)Breaker, breaker, good buddies.

Pene, do you know where the pit stop is?

-I'm right here, silly.-No, I mean, where do we stop for gas?

(GASPS) Oh! Let's see...

-(EXCLAIMING) -I think it's a small town

-called... -(WOMAN GRUMBLING)

Right up the hill.

-(SHOUTING) -Oh, thank you, darling.

(WOMAN GRUMBLING)

-Oh! -(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Oh, dear.

(MUTTERING)

(ALL IMITATE SPITTING)

(HORN HONKING)

Attendant, I need some gas out here. Attendant!

Si, si, hold you horses.

Hurry up, you lethargic lothario, I've got a race to win

by any means necessary.

There's a tip in it, if you don't give them any gas.

We heard that, Dastardly.

Nobody likes a nosey parker, Perfect!

(INDICATOR DINGS)

Can't you speed it up? Don't you know who I am?

Oh, the...

-No? -Muttley...

(SIGHS)

(TRUMPET SOUNDING)

You are in the prestigious presence of none other than

Richard Milhous Dastardly, sportsman extraordinare.

Renowned racer of the World Association

of Car Competions and International Events.

Idol of millions,

bonafide bon vivant, VIP,

and holder of the Intercontinental Association of Finks, Fraudsters

and Devious Do-Badders Award

for Best Low-Down Rotten Trick, Dirty Dealing,

Backstabbing and Chicanery

in a Sports Event or Charity Fundraiser.

-He loves saying that. -Oh!

Races de Wacky?

-You are all the famous Races de Wacky? -Yes.

Do you mind? I can see what you ate for lunch.

Attenzione.

(SHOUTING UNINTELLIGIBLY)

Races de Wacky?

Races de Wacky!

-Races de Wacky? -Races de Wacky?

(ALL CHEERING)

We celebrate the visit of the famous, spectacular

Races de Wacky,

to our humble little town.

You let us make for you the teeny,

-tiny little party, no? -No.

Now there, Dastardly, part of being a sports celebrity

is meeting new people and spreading goodwill.

Please, being a celebrity means I'm over-paid,

show up late and can be a jerk to anyone I want to.

Now my friends, we dance the dance of welcome.

-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) -(ALL CHEERING)

This is all very nice but we, um...

(NERVOUSLY) Oh, oh, okay. This is happening.

(MEN HOOTING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Party good.

(SIGHS)

Dancing American. Dance-y, dance-y, dance-y.

Oh, you must be joking.

No! No, no. No, stop it, old...

Muttley, help me!

(SNICKERING)

Meow.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, shoot me.

Now, we eat!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

Oh, oh. Was that octopus?

I'm lactose intolerant.

Actually Dicky's just intolerant generally.

(CHILDREN LAUGH)

Food good.

Could I get mine rare?

No, really, thank you. I couldn't eat another...

Is that cheesecake?

Cheesecake.

-(GRUNTS) -(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Americano...

(MUTTERING)

DASTARDLY: Trapped!

(ALL CHEERING)

-(ROOSTER CROWING) -(SNORING)

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

DASTARDLY: Drat!

-Oh, what a lovely morning. -(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, and well, now, aren't you just the cutest birdies I ever saw.

(MUTTERS)

(IMITATES SPITTING)

(SNORING)

-(GRUNTS) -(GLASS SHATTERING)

Good morning, everybody.

Blah, I am not a morning person.

(SNORING)

(BURPS)

Morning.

-What time is it? -DASTARDLY: Time to get me out of here.

Dastardly, where are you?

In the barrel, you granola-brained gorilla.

(SNICKERING)

We should get going.

What nice people.

I haven't had so much fun since my last funeral.

Fun.

I hate fun.

Dear friends, cannot go yet!

Not without we feed you a little breakfast, no?

No! I'm egressing from this horrible hamlet, post-haste.

Dastardly, don't be rude, after that lovely party.

Oh, just a little breakfast...

A bite, a nibble?

Did someone say "bite"?

We really do need to get back to the race.

A teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy little breakfast!

A crumb, a little piece of crumb?

So teeny-weeny...

Oh, teeny-weeny...

(STAMMERING) Well, I guess we could have just a quick...

-Abbondanza. -Abbondanza.

-(CAT SHRIEKS)-Abbondanza!

-Abbondanza! -Abbondanza!

ALL: Abbondanza!

(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

-Everything is better with cheese. -Very tentacle-y.

I'm not hungry.

(ALL CHEERING)

Very good.

-(MUFFLED) Cannot... -Stop it.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Shh...

I am shh-ing, you bellicose blockhead.

(SNICKERING)

Just a little farther.

Almost there...

Abbondanza!

ALL: Abbondanza!

(ALL CHEERING)

Drat!

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING)

Mmm.

Oh!

(MUFFLED) Cannot stop.

(PLATES SHATTERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWING)

PENELOPE: Run for it! PETER: Go, go, go!

ALL: Abbondanza!

DASTARDLY: Drat!

(CROWING)

(SHUSHING)

ALL: Abbondanza!

Drat!

(CROWING)

Dicky, are you sure this will work?

Of course it will. Muttley, pull the switch!

-(ALL SCREAMING) -(CRASHING)

ALL: Abbondanza!

-Drat! -(CROWING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(CRASHING)

ALL: Abbondanza!

-DASTARDLY: Drat! -(CROWING)

Muttley, dig.

VILLAGERS: Abbondanza!

Drat, drat, drat, drat, drat!

(ROOSTER CROWING)

I officially no longer like cheese.

Or food.

I'm gonna have to do, like, a million Pilates.

From now on, all my meals are liquid.

Tiny's pants no fit!

(SNICKERING)

(STOMACH GRUMBLING)

Dear friends, could we offer you a snack before you go?

That's it! No more!

No more food, no more dancing.

No more rustic hospitality.

We are leaving this malicious municipality forthwith.

And there is nothing you or your town full of genial gentry

-can do to keep us here. -Okay.

I mean it, you Roman reprobate. What?

You mean you don't want us to stay for breakfast or lunch or...

-Or midnight snack? -We can just go?

Of course. We were just being polite.

-Polite? -Frankly, you kind of overstayed your welcome.

(MUTTERING)

We did?

-Oh! Sorry. -Ah.

(SNICKERING)

-What do we do now? -How can we finish the race?

I think I see a way.

ALL: Huh?

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