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1
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:05,872
Tell me, Henry,
2
00:00:06,039 --> 00:00:08,440
why do you want to be
Mr. Schmidt's assistant?
3
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:11,043
He's my hero.
I know everything about him.
4
00:00:12,779 --> 00:00:14,907
"Possible stalker."
5
00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,351
And why do you think
you're qualified?
6
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,987
Like him,
I graduated high school at 16.
7
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,788
Then I completed the four-year
computer science program at Harvard
8
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,017
in just under two years,
9
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:26,985
during which,
I founded an Internet start-up,
10
00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:29,687
and I'm currently two semesters shy
of my law degree.
11
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:33,394
So, "no law degree."
12
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,655
Let me tell you a few things
about Walden Schmidt
13
00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:37,862
you may not know.
14
00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:39,511
- The man is a genius.
- I knew that.
15
00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:43,276
"Likes to interrupt."
16
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:47,270
He thinks in a different way
than the rest of us.
17
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,143
His mind is always working.
18
00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:50,578
Every time he opens his mouth,
19
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,624
it's because
he has something important to say.
20
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:55,679
Love the new toilet paper
you bought, Alan.
21
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,255
It's like sliding down a rainbow.
22
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,990
Except the pot at the end
doesn't have any gold in it.
23
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:04,426
When you hear something this good,
you should write it down.
24
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,657
I'm sorry.
Who's this?
25
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,267
Oh, this is Henry Johnson.
26
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,460
He's interviewing
for the assistant job.
27
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,434
- Assistant job?
- Hi, Mr. Schmidt.
28
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,770
- It's such an honour...
- Eye contact.
29
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,071
It's okay, Henry.
30
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:24,579
Alan, can I talk to you for a second?
31
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:27,118
No problem, Mr. Schmidt.
32
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:32,190
"Hi"? Really.
Not looking good, Hank.
33
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,826
- What's up?
- Why are you interviewing Henry
34
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,591
to be my assistant when I just
hired you to be my assistant?
35
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,721
Oh, no, no,
he's interviewing to be my assistant.
36
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:45,566
- Your assistant?
- Well, intern, actually.
37
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:46,916
He's not gonna cost us a penny
38
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,118
and he's gonna do all the
menial stuff I don't wanna do.
39
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:51,668
Well, why don't
I just hire him for free
40
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:52,958
and cut out the middle man?
41
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,200
And in case I'm going too fast,
you're the middle man.
42
00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:56,783
But I'm the big picture guy.
43
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,885
See, bringing Henry
on to Team Schmidt...
44
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,146
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Team Schmidt"?
45
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,291
Yeah, I'm gonna get hats
and shirts made. Well, Henry is.
46
00:02:04,491 --> 00:02:07,689
We're gonna have a new slogan.
"No bull-Schmidt."
47
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,561
"Schmidt happens."
48
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:13,492
You're a Schmidt-head.
49
00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:19,795
I hired you to be my assistant
to help you out financially
50
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,584
because you had close
your chiropractic office.
51
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:23,543
I didn't have to close it,
I'm in a rent dispute.
52
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,407
People in rent disputes
don't fake their own death.
53
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,417
Oh, I'll get that.
You are looking good today, boss.
54
00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:32,279
That's why he got good toilet paper.
55
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,251
So my ass is clean
while he's kissing it.
56
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:38,983
Huh, my 12:00 must be early.
57
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,752
Someone who really wanted this job
would've taken the initiative.
58
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:43,453
Too late, Harvard.
59
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,830
- Hello.
- Hi.
60
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,504
- You Alan Harper?
- Yes, I am.
61
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,935
- And you are-?
- Your niece.
62
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:57,009
Eurniece? That's a pretty name.
Is that Dutch?
63
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,941
No, I'm Jenny.
I'm your brother Charlie's daughter.
64
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:02,013
- Uh, Henry?
- Yes?
65
00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:03,911
Catch me.
66
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:07,687
♪
67
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:19,897
I'm sorry, did you say
that you're Charlie's daughter?
68
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,591
Yeah.
69
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,082
Listen, I got a wicked hangover.
70
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:27,537
You got any aspirin, ibuprofen,
rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?
71
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,801
Uh... Yeah, yeah,
come on in.
72
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:33,640
- Henry, get her an aspirin and vodka.
- On it.
73
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:36,373
- Kitchen's that way.
- Damn it.
74
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,154
I can't believe this.
I mean, I can, but I can't.
75
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,085
I mean, how did this happen?
76
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:45,759
From what my mom told me...
77
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:51,461
- Can we maybe turn down the lights?
- That's the sun.
78
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,429
Right, I hate the sun.
79
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:55,659
It's like God calling you
an alcoholic.
80
00:03:57,304 --> 00:04:00,638
Anyway, according to my mom,
it was love at first sight.
81
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:05,370
They met in a bar, they got drunk
and had sex in the bathroom.
82
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,571
It was like a freaking Disney movie.
83
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,584
Poke-a-hot-ass.
84
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,019
And where did the kid go
for the vodka? Poland?
85
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,885
Look, I don't mean to be rude
86
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,291
but how do I know that you're really
Charlie's daughter?
87
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,258
I mean, this could be
some kind of scam.
88
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:26,092
I have a picture of us together.
It's in here somewhere.
89
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:29,360
Oh, look.
My vagina.
90
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,170
Oh, wait, that's not mine.
91
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,667
Oh, that's mine.
92
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:40,641
Ah, there you go.
93
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,391
This was taken
at my fourth birthday party.
94
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:45,283
Just a heads up, I might vomit,
where's the nearest bathroom?
95
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,463
- Oh, right down the hall.
- Okay, I think we're good
96
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:49,012
but it's always nice to have a plan.
97
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,034
Anyway, this was party
was the last time I saw him.
98
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:53,720
After that, he just sent checks.
99
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,395
He sent checks?
100
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,840
Yeah, my mom didn't want him
to have anything to do with me
101
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,584
but he always made sure
I was taken care of.
102
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:02,534
He never said a word
about any of this to me.
103
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:05,399
I'm his brother, his blood.
Were they big checks?
104
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,700
- Yeah, got one every month.
- Bastard.
105
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:12,004
My mom just called me special.
106
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,441
This Henry guy is awesome.
107
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,082
Did you know I won a spelling bee
in fifth grade?
108
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,044
I didn't.
109
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,222
Who's this, Henry's assistant?
110
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:30,059
Walden, this is Jenny,
my brother's daughter.
111
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:35,525
- Really? Hi.
- Hi.
112
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,432
I didn't know Charlie had a daughter.
113
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,402
Neither did I.
114
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,542
He sent her checks, big checks.
115
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:46,847
Not that that matters now.
Every month.
116
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:52,241
Hey, am I related
to Abercrombie & Fitch over here?
117
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:55,422
No, I own the house.
118
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:59,287
- Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.
- So does he.
119
00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:02,726
So tell us more about you.
120
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,830
Not much to tell.
121
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:08,092
I was born in New York, got kicked
out of a few private schools,
122
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:11,032
tried to become a doctor
to make my mom happy, dropped out,
123
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,070
became an actress to piss her off.
124
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:16,471
An actress, oh.
Your father loved actresses.
125
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,235
Yeah, I was only going to med school
126
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,414
so I could write myself
prescriptions for oxy.
127
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,311
Oh, your father loved oxy.
128
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:28,083
Sorry it took so long.
Here's vodka and two aspirin.
129
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,018
Thank God.
130
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,289
I was wrong, I am gonna puke.
131
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:38,727
Your father loved to puke.
132
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:45,098
So, when I was, like, five, my mom
married this total loser named Rob.
133
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,672
He moved in with us
and never looked for a job
134
00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:49,634
but he's been sponging off
of her ever since.
135
00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:52,176
Who does that?
136
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:57,281
- So, how long you been in LA?
- Couple weeks.
137
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,611
And you got a place to stay?
138
00:06:58,818 --> 00:07:00,946
He asks, knowing full well
she's a Harper.
139
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,919
Yeah, I'm crashing
at a friend's house.
140
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,683
That's great.
Friends are great.
141
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:07,451
You should make some friends, Alan.
142
00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:10,356
So, just the two of you live here?
143
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,965
Well, my son, your cousin, Jake,
used to live with us
144
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,295
but he's in the army now.
Stationed in Japan.
145
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,301
Oh, that's impressive.
146
00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:21,873
Because of the time difference,
he thinks he lives in the future.
147
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:25,307
Maybe we can call him and find out
when this headache's gonna go away.
148
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,276
Oh, and you have a grandmother.
149
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,042
- Oh, that's great.
- In theory.
150
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,762
When she finds out
she has a granddaughter,
151
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,063
she's gonna have a heart attack.
152
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,988
You know,
I'm gonna call her right now.
153
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,820
This is it.
This was your dad's room.
154
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:44,663
Wow.
155
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:48,725
I always tried to imagine
what my dad's life was like.
156
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,403
It's weird to finally see it.
157
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:53,232
I never met him
but I heard he was quite a guy.
158
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,000
I heard he was a drunken man whore.
159
00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:58,902
Like I said, quite a guy.
160
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,006
So, this your and Alan's room?
161
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:06,311
What?
No. No, no, no.
162
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:09,717
We're not... I'm not...
The... Really?
163
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,188
You really don't think
I can do better than Alan?
164
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:16,420
I don't know.
Maybe he's got a huge schlong.
165
00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,723
Well, we're not a couple
and he doesn't.
166
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:22,499
Which is fine.
I mean, not that size matters.
167
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:24,568
Not that I was looking.
I'm not gay.
168
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,902
So, why is he still living here?
169
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:32,512
Well, at first...
Then... I don't know.
170
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:38,341
So, this is where your dad
used to sleep.
171
00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:42,010
I got a new mattress and I replaced
the carpets and the drapes
172
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:46,125
and pretty much anything
that could absorb fluid.
173
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,718
Wow, if these walls could talk.
174
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:51,693
They'd probably say,
"Can I get a towel?"
175
00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:55,994
So, I mean, I wish there was more
that Charlie left behind.
176
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,034
You know, other than Alan.
177
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,036
So...
178
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,276
my dad stood in this same spot,
staring out at the ocean.
179
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,345
I wonder what was going
through his mind.
180
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,482
I wonder what he was thinking.
181
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:11,027
Besides, of course,
"how can I nail
182
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,452
"those two hot surfer chicks
out there?"
183
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:18,556
- Huh, now I'm thinking it.
- Oh, please.
184
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:21,956
With your looks and this house,
I'm sure you do fine.
185
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,858
Well, you'd think that
186
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,341
but the truth is,
when it comes to women,
187
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:28,358
I've never really been much
of a casual sex kind of guy.
188
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,080
And every time I do get close to one,
she ends up pulling away from me
189
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,544
and then I wind up
back in this room,
190
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,732
thinking where I went wrong again.
191
00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:38,269
Alone.
192
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,806
So alone.
193
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:51,583
Oh, yeah.
You're not gay.
194
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:57,989
Mom, I have some news for you.
Sit down.
195
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,996
Okay, push him off and sit up.
196
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,965
I know this is gonna come
as quite the shock
197
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:06,936
but it turns out
Charlie has a daughter.
198
00:10:08,374 --> 00:10:11,242
Mom? Mom?
199
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,969
Are you dead?
200
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,275
Oh, good.
201
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,213
No, I know.
I know, it's crazy, right?
202
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,114
Yeah, no, she's here now.
203
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,789
Well, come on over.
204
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,469
Okay, finish first
and then come over.
205
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:28,687
Good news.
My mother's on her way over.
206
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,830
First time I've ever said that.
207
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,556
Wow, insta-family.
208
00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:37,225
Uncle, grandmother, step-hot-guy.
209
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:38,681
I'm sorry,
I don't know what to call you.
210
00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:41,197
Oh, step-hot-guy works.
211
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:47,313
- All that's missing is my dad.
- Actually, he's here, too. Follow me.
212
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:48,880
Where are we going?
213
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,243
Well, you know how sailors
214
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,577
- get buried at sea?
- Yeah.
215
00:10:51,784 --> 00:10:53,309
I keep Charlie in the liquor cabinet.
216
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:57,651
Let's see.
217
00:10:57,857 --> 00:11:02,795
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels,
Charlie Harper.
218
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:04,922
Huh.
219
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,325
He looks different
than his pictures.
220
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,332
Charlie, this is your daughter,
Jenny.
221
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:13,472
Hi, Dad.
222
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,134
This seems weird.
Does this seem weird to anybody else?
223
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,304
Yes, it's weird.
224
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:23,449
Almost as weird as when we take him
to the movies.
225
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,488
Charlie, I wish you were here
226
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,123
to see how beautiful
your daughter turned out.
227
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:35,456
I think you'd be impressed.
I think a lot of...
228
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,799
Oh, not again.
229
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:43,765
I ain't cleaning that up.
230
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,175
Oh, look.
A quarter.
231
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:05,622
Unbelievable.
You even mooch off the dead.
232
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:10,129
- One more.
- Yeah, you're Charlie's daughter.
233
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,821
You don't seem very surprised.
234
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:14,626
Only surprised there aren't more
of you running around.
235
00:12:16,035 --> 00:12:18,630
God, I loved your dad.
236
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,568
I remember the first time I met him.
237
00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:23,607
He asked me if I knew
how to do three things:
238
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:26,678
cook, clean and score an eight ball
at 2:30 in the morning.
239
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:30,249
I told him I didn't know
how to cook or clean.
240
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:32,818
I've been here ever since.
241
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,446
I'm sure you have a story
about Charlie
242
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:37,954
that doesn't involve drugs.
243
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:41,184
Okay.
One time at Mardi Gras...
244
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:44,193
- Or alcohol.
- All right.
245
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:48,164
- Once when Charlie was in Vegas...
- Or hookers.
246
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,031
Geez, you're really tying my hands.
247
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,942
Okay, I got it.
It was New Year's Eve,
248
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,940
and Charlie was super not drunk
249
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,978
and he was with this crazy
not hooker...
250
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,279
and he decided
to have his sphincter bleached.
251
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,044
- Whoa!
- What? Why?
252
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:09,552
Because he cared about women.
253
00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:13,683
Unfortunately, it got infected
254
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:16,727
and he needed me to dab
a little ointment...
255
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:22,295
I'm sorry.
It's just that I miss him so much.
256
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:26,064
God took the wrong Harper!
257
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:32,474
- Where is my granddaughter?
- Did it just get cold in here?
258
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:38,213
Oh, my God.
Look at you.
259
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:42,412
Mom, this is Jenny.
Jenny, this is Evelyn.
260
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:46,423
You are so beautiful.
You remind me of me ten years ago.
261
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,455
Your father was the apple of my eye.
262
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,497
My greatest gift.
My reason for living.
263
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:58,098
- Um, hello.
- Hello, Alan.
264
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:03,570
I can't believe
I finally have a grandchild.
265
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,404
You already have a grandchild,
Jake.
266
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:08,513
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
267
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:13,048
- So, Jennifer...
- Actually, it's Jenny.
268
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:16,017
Darling, you're not 12 anymore.
It's Jennifer.
269
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:18,767
We are going to have
so much fun together.
270
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,886
Lunching, shopping,
taking care of those eyebrows.
271
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:24,873
Where are you staying
while you're in town?
272
00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:26,388
I'm crashing on a friend's couch.
273
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,727
Not anymore.
You'll stay with me.
274
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:31,234
I love you, Evelyn.
275
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,702
If she's staying anywhere,
she's gonna stay at my place.
276
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:36,740
And by "your place,"
do you mean the office
277
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,309
that you stopped paying rent at
278
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,946
or the house
that you've never paid rent at?
279
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,082
Look, I'm not gonna let
my mom screw her up
280
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:46,946
- like she did me and Charlie.
- Hey. I was a good mother.
281
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,434
No, you know who was a good mother?
Our housekeeper Adela.
282
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,648
She even breast-fed me.
283
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:53,452
She had just had a baby.
284
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,560
And when the milk truck
is parked on the street,
285
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,321
you don't go to the grocery store.
286
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:02,258
Besides, you used to gnaw on me.
287
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,970
You're gnawer.
288
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:06,639
Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang...
289
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:09,852
You know what?
She's gonna stay in Jake's room.
290
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:11,640
Whoa, whoa, no.
291
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:14,075
I do not want Jake's room
to become Jenny's room.
292
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,272
You know, in fact,
there is no Jake's room
293
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,384
and there's no Jenny's room.
There's just Walden's room.
294
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,952
And Charlie's room.
295
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:25,023
- Why don't we let her decide?
- Yeah, yeah, it's up to her.
296
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:27,693
Is anyone listening to me?
297
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:30,796
- Jennifer?
- Where'd she go?
298
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:37,259
Nice job, Alan.
You made another woman disappear.
299
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:38,631
Can you believe her?
300
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,807
What did I do to her
to make her hate me so much?
301
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,636
Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang...
302
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,638
What, you, too?
303
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:52,016
Son of a... Ooh, a nickel.
304
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,987
This is ridiculous.
We're never going to find her.
305
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,867
I don't understand
why she ran off like that.
306
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,291
I can think of two reasons.
307
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:07,031
First, I lost my Charlie,
now I've lost my Jennifer.
308
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:11,068
- You still have your Alan.
- Don't make it worse.
309
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,330
Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang...
310
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:19,809
Oh, God,
my granddaughter's gone forever.
311
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:22,675
Oh, there she is at the bus stop.
312
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:26,341
Oh, God,
my granddaughter rides the bus.
313
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,052
Jenny, what are you doing?
314
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:34,779
I'm trying to get away
from you people.
315
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,522
Look, I just wanted to see
where my dad lived.
316
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,130
I didn't wanna screw up
your family.
317
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:42,063
For the record, they were screwed up
long before you got here.
318
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:43,497
It's true.
319
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:46,070
Hey, if I'm screwed up,
it's your fault. You raised me.
320
00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:48,673
I didn't raise you, Adela did.
321
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:51,868
Look, I already have
a messed-up family.
322
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,078
I don't need another one.
323
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:56,044
Oh, we're sorry.
This is just how we express our love.
324
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:57,308
Through hate.
325
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,315
Oh, no, no, no.
We don't hate each other.
326
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:04,048
I mean, the truth is,
my mother is an amazing woman.
327
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,055
I mean, she raised two kids
on her own,
328
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:11,220
she's a successful businesswoman,
she has impeccable taste.
329
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,430
Thank you, Alan.
330
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:17,969
Oh, right.
And Alan is...
331
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:20,969
the reason I had my tubes tied.
332
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:25,468
Because she knew
she would never do better than me.
333
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:32,552
Please, sweetheart, I just found you.
I can't lose you now.
334
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,912
We want you to be a part
of our lives. What do you say?
335
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,267
Well, if I'm gonna be a part
of this family,
336
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,782
I'm gonna need a drink.
337
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,962
You hear that, Charlie?
Your daughter needs a drink.
338
00:17:43,162 --> 00:17:45,757
You're looking the wrong way, Mom.
339
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,498
A toast.
To Charlie Harper.
340
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:54,606
My brother, your son, your father,
and your...
341
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,242
Guy who got hit by a train
so I could buy his beach house?
342
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:01,179
- Sorry, Evelyn.
- It's okay. I got the commission.
343
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:04,145
To Charlie.
344
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:09,417
So, is that the bathroom
where the miracle of my life began?
345
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,023
It is.
346
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,090
- Want to see it?
- I do.
347
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:19,595
Text a picture of it to my mom.
Should be good for some guilt money.
348
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,100
I'll run interference.
349
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:24,302
All right, everybody out.
350
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,235
Woman visiting the place
of her conception.
351
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:32,540
I can't tell you how relieved I am
to finally have an heir.
352
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,304
Wait, what?
353
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:37,415
She's my granddaughter.
I want to provide for her.
354
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,985
And since I wasn't around
for the first 25 years of her life,
355
00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:43,122
it's only fitting
that she inherit my estate.
356
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:45,450
You weren't around
for the first 45 years of my life.
357
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,423
- You have Walden.
- Oh, do I?
358
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,838
Do you see a ring on this finger?
359
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,296
Don't worry, darling.
360
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,363
There's a little something for you
in my will.
361
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,566
A little something?
362
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,033
Look, if you knew
you were gonna get everything,
363
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,398
you would've smothered me
with a pillow years ago.
364
00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:00,868
That is not true.
365
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:04,373
If I knew I had money coming,
I'd hire a professional.
366
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:07,976
- How'd it go?
- Great.
367
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:11,207
- I laughed, I cried.
- I peed.
368
00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:15,486
How are you guys doing over here?
Can I get you anything else?
369
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,791
Yeah, we might need
a designated driver
370
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,984
to get us back
to his beautiful beach house.
371
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,159
I'll take you guys.
I get off in 15.
372
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,061
Great.
Thanks.
373
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,872
- She's cute.
- Told you.
374
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:36,008
Malibu beach house
gets you laid every time.
375
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:39,602
Not every time.
376
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:46,715
Oh, my God, this house is amazing.
377
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:49,047
Well, it's... Yeah.
378
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:51,690
And look at that view.
379
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,520
It's even better from the bedroom.
Wanna see?
380
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,526
- Yeah.
- After you.
381
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,866
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
382
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,067
Up to show her.
383
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:04,066
Oh, you thought...?
384
00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:08,401
Oh, no, no, no, she's mine.
Next time I'll get two.
385
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:18,079
- What just happened?
- Charlie's back.
386
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:27,024
- Good morning.
- No, no, not good.
387
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,956
I slept in the guest room
of my own house
388
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:32,359
and I'm pretty sure I still have
some of your brother in my ear.
389
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,077
Don't worry, tonight I'll tell Jenny
that your bedroom's off limits.
390
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:37,195
- No, there is no tonight.
- But she's family.
391
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:40,305
Not my family. And I'm gonna tell her
she can't stay.
392
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,304
- Morning.
- Hi.
393
00:20:43,509 --> 00:20:46,308
- You girls have a good night?
- Oh, yeah.
394
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:49,141
I'm surprised I can even talk.
395
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,852
- You were saying?
- Shut up.
30488
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