Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[Sam chuckling]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [Chloe] What are you thinking about?

- Your nipples.

- Shut up.

- What? - Stop it.

- I am. - You're a little shit.

- They're lovely nipples.

- Damn skippy, sir.

- Damn skippy?

[Sam sighs]

Make love to me, girl.

- Oh, mister, can I have my candy now?

- Ew! Ew, ew. [grumbles]

[kisses]

This is the life.

I got my girl on one arm, a frozen pizza in the fridge.

And your sister on my other arm.

Hi, Catherine, how's it goin'?

- Sam, she is six months pregnant!

- When will we?---

- Sam.

- We won't have to use a condom.

- Ew!

- And all that woman, just. [groans]

- If you ever wanna see me naked again,

you're gonna stop talking about my sister.

[laughing] Hey!

- Sorry, you're right.

That was rude of me.

I don't know what came over me and yow-za!

- Cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater.

- Stop, stop, stop, okay, okay.

Okay, you win.

[kisses]

I will never again- - So, yes?

- I will never again sneak a peek

at your bodacious bod without your consent.

- Darn tootin'.

In fact, I will try, nay, shall,

keep thy virginal flesh- - What?

- You said about me.

Thy virginal rump safe from all prying perverted eyes and-

Oh, would you look at that?

They're so pert and n- [blowing raspberry]

How dare you. - You love it.

- Dammit.

[laughing]

- Can I ask you something?

[Sam groans]

Hm?

- Sure.

- Is a threeway something you would want?

- Nope, not touching that one. - What?

- Nope, not playing that game.

- No, no, no, come on, come on, come on.

Tell me what you honestly think.

- Not a chance, no. Nope, sorry.

- Oh, really?

[kissing]

- Ah you are some kind of...

No, no, you can't.

- I can, I did.

Spill.

- You are evil.

- No I'm not. - Yes you are.

- No I'm not. - Yes you are.

- Come on, tell me.

- Fine.

I guess I could see the appeal for most guys.

Obviously.

I just, I don't know, I feel like at this point in my life,

it just seems a little selfish?

Immature.

There are all these girls that are out there with these guys

who don't realize how wonderful, sexy, funny,

currently naked they happen to be.

I mean, all they think about is just trying

to throw another girl on top.

I mean, those guys have no idea

how to perform in that situation

and in a relationship that seems particularly...

Some get hurt.

Some get jealous.

So no, Miss Mancini, I do not want a threeway.

Thank you very much.

[Chloe laughs]

- Hm.

Because I thought it could be kind of hot.

- On the other hand...

♪ Ah ♪ [dramatic guitar music]

So um, guy or girl?

- Both?

- Might have to force them.

- No, no, no.

I meant like one with you and another girl, and then, um,

one of you and a guy?

Or the other one first. I don't know.

What do you think?

What?

Ooh, you were hoping I was going to give you

an all you could eat pussy buffet.

- No, god, Jesus.

No, I didn't want that, I'm just...

Look, you're just, you're not doing this

so you can fuck someone else, right?

[people chattering]

- Are you not okay with this? - No, of course I am.

I mean, why wouldn't I be?

It's just different.

[people chattering]

Hm.

So how would you like to do this?

Friends? Strangers?

Professionals? - Professionals?

Like a hooker?

- Yeah, I mean they would know what they're doing.

- I'm sure they do, but,

baby, it's just sex, you know, plus one.

It really shouldn't be too hard to figure out.

I mean, do you really want a prostitute in our bed?

I mean- - I'm not saying

we pick up a little girl on the street turning tricks.

I mean, certainly not a little girl,

but I mean, I'm not saying we pick up some street walker,

you know, we just, we get a kind of professional

who's professional about this kind of thing.

- Okay, well I appreciate the distinction,

but that seems like it would be a lot of effort,

not to mention money.

And I just don't think it would really feel,

like, genuine, [chuckles] you know?

- I guess.

So...

We can put an ad online.

- Are there places we can do that?

- It's the internet, so, yeah.

[Chloe chuckles]

- All right.

Okay.

Where, do you think?

- Uh...

Well, you know, classifieds, forums, something like-

- [Chloe] I swear to god, if you post an ad

in the Marvel forums- - Okay, okay.

Fine, fine, fine.

Craigslist then.

- Oh god really? Oh, won't we get a lot of pervs?

- As opposed to the fine, upstanding citizens

who troll the internet looking for someone

to have a threesome with? - Shut up.

- No, it's like if we had a kid

and we were vetting a babysitter or a nanny.

- Right. Except we want to fuck them.

- Exactly. So how is it different?

- Fine. All right.

I guess we can give it a shot and see how it goes.

Right, I don't even know how to approach

our friends about it.

- [Sam] What do you mean?

- Well, like, if we want to do this

with someone we already know.

[Sam scoffs]

- [Same] Yeah. I have no idea.

- Which ones would be interested, do you think?

- [All] Me, me, me, me.

- Come on me. - Me.

- Come on. - Me.

- How long have you known me? - Me!

- How long have you known me? Kindergarten.

- Me! - Look at the guns.

Come on. - Me!

- Well, I'll think about it.

You think some more, too.

- [Sam] Mm-hm.

- Can we get the check please?

So which one of my friends do you want to fuck?

- Uh...

- [Chloe] So there's an old fashioned way

to talk a stranger into a threesome?

- [Sam] I'm just saying it's gonna be easier

to talk a guy into wanting to fuck you.

- Okay, look, for the last time he is not fucking me,

he is fucking us. - Okay, so we're clear,

he's fucking you because as open minded as I am,

I'm neither ready nor willing to take a dick.

Two palms, please.

- Fine.

But you will nevertheless be there

with him and me in close, sweaty, ball slapping proximity.

And trust me, there are not so many guys excited

by that proposition as you seem to think.

In any case, I think both of us are a little

out of practice at picking people up at bars.

- Ha.

I was in practice?

- So she's kinda chatting away

and I'm working on her leg, right?

And she suddenly drops in, "You have sexy hands."

- Bullshit. - Awkward.

- [Joe] Nice.

- Not nice.

I mean, look, she's not lying, right ladies?

But a middle-aged professional softball umpire

while on the clock?

No fuckin' thank you.

- What's a softball empire doing

getting a massage on the clock?

[upbeat music]

- So what happened?

- Well, I just kind of mutter a thank you and keep going.

I mean, what else am I supposed to do?

- Well, you could always- - Incorrect.

- All right. - Okay.

[laughing]

So she's quiet for a minute

and then she starts chatting again

and then she fuckin' freaks me out again.

- How?

- Well I'm working on her arm, right?

And I glance down at her face and she's giving me that look.

- What look?

- That look that look that says

I want to get filled out like an application

and you have good penmanship.

[laughing] Right?

- Kill yourself. - And that's not all.

She's making eyes at me, right?

And she fuckin' winks.

- Wow winking, what a slut.

- Mm, gettin' hit on by the older ladies.

Well done, sir.

- Much older, fuck you very much.

- Ew, who would do that?

- I know, hitting on Ian. [laughing]

- Oh, fuck you, too.

- Yo, you can't blame a honey for wanting a happy ending.

- [Kaitlin] How lovely.

- And then there was this moment where I could have sworn

her hand was like right about to make a move for my D,

and then she just brought it right back at the last second.

- And she's an umpire?

She should've unzipped you right there

and reached in and said you're out!

♪ New Zealand ♪ [upbeat music]

- Okay. I'm going to step out for a second.

You comin'?

- I'm comin',

- Ooh, love birds.

- Yeah, can't they do anything on their own?

[laughs]

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

- Drinks!

- Yeah.

- [Alex] Come on. Come, come, come.

- So she tipped me like seven percent,

which is like ridiculous for that long of a procedure.

I told the front desk I never want to see

that crazy broad again.

Fuck.

So what's been up with you, man?

- Nothing just uh...

- You seem a little off, even by my low standards for you.

[Sam laughs] - Yeah, it's um,

it's something with Chloe, it's not a big deal.

- What, is it the money thing still?

'Cause we thought we were past-

- No, no, no, no. I'm good with that, I think.

- Well then what?

Did you call her fat?

Did you knock her up?

I'm the godfather even if you abort.

Keep the little guy in a mason jar.

- Jesus! No, God.

- She says she's bisexual. [scoffs]

- Uh, okay?

- What do you mean she says she's bisexual?

- Oh you know what I mean.

She says she's bi because that's what

every guy wants to hear.

She likes eating pussy as much as I like sucking dick.

- I love giving head.

- Yeah, I don't mind it.

- That is not the point.

How is an honest girl supposed to compete with that?

- Uh, hon, I'm still not on the same page here.

- Oh, please.

That's every guy's fantasy, a girl who likes girls, too.

It makes them think that they can get two girls at once,

but it's not real.

- Um...

- Chloe wants to have a threeway.

- Okay, fuck you for spending one goddamn second

being bothered by that, man.

That is a beautiful thing.

What an asshole.

- Sorry.

- Wait, guy or girl? - Both.

- That's a fourway, genius. - Not at the same time.

It's one girl and she wants to try one with another guy.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Dibs. - What?

- Nobody doesn't, nobody actually has a threesome.

- Esther did.

- Oh yeah, in college. Like that counts.

We're adults now. We don't get drunk and experiment.

- Think about it, do you want some stranger

lying on top of Chloe, sweating on her, moaning,

thrusting his unfamiliar cock into her

or eating that puss like a hobo with a ham sandwich?

Or do you want me?

Think about it?

- All right, why don't we put on a strong face.

I'll order some more, more drinks

and I'll go American History X

on that with these boots.

Bam.

- They are pretty cute boots. - I know, right?

- Okay.

I gotta be right back. - Okay.

[upbeat music]

So when did you have a threesome?

- What? - You acted all offended

when she hated on threesomes, like you took it personally.

- What?

No. No, no, no, no.

Nothing like that. - It's something like that.

- Okay, I have to tell you something.

- Oh my god, here it is.

- You cannot tell anybody.

- Can I tweet it? - I'm serious, Alex.

- It was like 127 Hours except nobody was trapped.

Like seriously, loosest pussy I ever felt.

- Kaitlin? - Yeah, man.

- Yeah, it's like fucking a fish tank.

[laughs]

- When did you sleep with her?

- Your Halloween party. - At your Halloween party.

- Like at the same time?

- Practically.

- Boom. - Boom.

- We were like a tag team. - Yeah.

- Except I did power bomb her. That was probably too rough.

- And that's probably why she now

is having feelings for this little guy,

Which reminds me, Sam is going to let me bang Chloe.

- Dude!

- What? - What?

- Yeah. Sam and Chloe, threeway with this guy.

- First of all, shut up.

Second of all, you have not been, will not be,

and are not invited to this thing even if it ever happens.

- Totally invited to be part of the thing.

- I'm confused.

- Real quick, because she's going to be back soon,

Chlo wants to have a threesome with a guy and a girl.

- Wait, that's a foursome.

- Not at the same time. - Shut up!

Okay, look, it's not, we haven't decided yet

who or rules and they're coming back,

so everyone, I don't wanna hear a word of it.

No.

- [Chloe] What are you boys gossiping about?

- Legos!

- Favorite as a kid.

- I got your back, man.

♪ Everything is gonna glow in the afterglow ♪

- Come on. - No.

- Come on! - No!

- Stacy. - Nope.

- Ester. - Stop.

- Look, I know you've got a thing for Asian girls.

- Those sites are educational and cultural and...

- Come on, Sam. Sam.

I just want you to tell me which one of my friends

you want to fuck. [Sam groans]

Come on, Sam.

- Why are you asking?

[Chloe sighs]

- Okay, look, I've been thinking about

our proposed sex-periment- - Please don't call it that.

- And I really think we would be

more comfortable with a friend.

- A friend? - Yes.

- Someone we see regularly?

- Yes. - To have sex with us.

- Glad to see you're following me.

Now the question is which one?

I mean, come on, look, I have given you a digital plethora

of women to choose from.

Just point, click and...

- You know they still haven't actually agreed to this right?

- Details, details. Come on pick!

- Fuck you, Zuckerberg. [Chloe chuckles]

Okay.

So if I choose someone,

you have to promise not to get angry.

- Why would I get angry? - Why do you get angry

when I leave the toilet seat up?

I don't know. - Because it's rude

and inconsiderate and shows a complete lack

of decency and respect.

You are so cute when you're terrified.

[laughing]

Come on, come on.

Pick a friend, any friend.

- All right.

How about Shayna?

- Oh, you like Shayna do you?

- Not more than you. - Yeah, so does her boyfriend.

- Well then...

- Yeah, this is big enough as it is.

I don't think we're really ready for a fourway, do you?

[moaning] [grunting]

- You know, is it just me or did it feel like

it was lasting longer when you weren't directly-

- When you weren't directly comparing it?

- Right, exactly?

- Daddy!

- No, let's just stick to the threeway, thanks.

- You got it, stud.

- I am a stud.

- Of course you are.

[kisses]

Pick.

- Mm.

Lordes?

- Lordes?

- No?

- You want to take Lordes into the bedroom with us?

- Uh, no, I was just kidding.

It's just, just comedy, and...

No, wait, no babydoll.

Babydoll, wait. - No, don't babydoll me, okay?

- I'm sorry.

I would never want to do things with people I-

- No, no, no. You know what?

It's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

No, I know what it is you want now and it's disgusting.

I'm sorry, it's disgusting.

I can't do this, I can't even be with you anymore

and I am totally fucking with you again. [laughs]

You are too easy. - Yeah, so is your mom.

- Oh, and it bounces back.

- Esther.

- I'll give her a call.

- Seriously?

- I'll invite her over for drinks.

- Not gonna ask her on the phone?

- Yeah, Sam, yeah.

Write me the phone conversation

where I invite her over to come have sex with us.

Hey girl, just wondering, you know,

you want to come over and fulfill

a sexual fantasy for Sam and I?

How's eight o'clock for you?

- Oh my god, that's so good.

You never should have given up on your novel.

[Chloe laughs]

- Okay. I'm officially creeped out.

- What? - Why?

- Well it could be the fact that you two

have been staring at me fidgeting for the last 20 minutes.

- Oh.

Oh well, that's because we uh- - Have bedbugs.

- What?

What?

- Why would you invite me over?

- No, no, no, Esther, he's kidding. [chuckles]

Aren't you?

- Yes?

Yes. I'm just joking, you know.

One of those famous jokes I'm known for.

Bedbug humor, I know, it's edgy, but I'm just that raw.

- That's not funny, man.

My cousin Christopher got the bedbugs.

Ate his face.

- Seriously?

- No. [laughs]

So why are you two both spazzing so much?

- Well we wanted to know

if you would like to, um...

Play Parcheesi.

- No.

- No? Well...

I'm uh, I, uh...

Hey hon? - Yes, sweetpea?

- Can you help me find the thing in the-

- In the bathroom? - Yeah.

- That's really high up so we need two people.

- Yeah. - So yeah, let's go.

- Okay. - All right.

We'll be back.

- Oh god, this is so hard. - That's what she...

- Okay. How do you, how do you do this?

- What?

- How do you get girls to sleep with you?

- I don't know. - Come on, you have to know.

What usually works for you?

- Uh...

I'll give you money!

Uh, I have no idea.

- Well, what did you do for me?

- Hm.

Hi, Chloe.

Catch! [Chloe gasps]

Okay, you hold her down,

I'll give her a judgment-impairing concussion.

Break!

- No, we're not doing that.

- What usually works for you?

- We want you to have sex with us.

- Smooth.

- [Esther] What?

- Well, uh, Sam and I have been talking

and we decided that we want to try a threesome

and we want you to be the other girl. [chuckles]

Yay.

- You guys have been talking about fucking me?

- No, not fucking.

Making love.

Banging.

- [Esther] Well, I guess I should be flattered.

- You're welcome. - Oh, didn't say thank you.

- I'm sorry. I'm very nervous.

- Okay, sweetie. It's quiet time for you.

- Okay. - Okay?

Look, Esther.

This is something- [sipping]

This is something that we really want to try

and we feel, you know, comfortable with you.

- [Esther] Right.

- I mean, you, you are so attractive.

- Oh.

- Oh, I know. - And we just think

that you would be perfect. - Mm.

- You want me to let your boyfriend put his dick in me

because I'd be perfect?

- No, no, no, not the whole time.

And actually we didn't even really discuss that part yet.

I mean, that's be- - Now is not the time.

- When exactly is the time? I mean, I'm here.

Wouldn't this discussion kind of involve me?

- Well yes and no. - Yes and no?

- Well we're not dating you.

This is more between Sam and I with you thrown in.

- [Esther] Oh.

Yeah, see, I'm not really interested.

- Oh.

Oh, well, wait, wait, Esther.

I really didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry.

- No, no, no, you did.

It's fine.

I'm okay. I'm going to get over it, but, no.

[Chloe sighs]

[upbeat music] [people chattering]

- So why are we doing this again?

How's this work?

- You sound like exposition.

- Your mom sounds like exposition.

- Ha, classy.

All right, look, look, we're at a bar, all right?

You look for a girl, I'll look for a guy

and whoever gets someone to come home with us first

gets the threeway first.

- You realize how unfair that is, right?

- Why? - Hey, honey.

How's it going? - I'm standing right here.

- Yeah.

- Oh hey, man, I'm sorry.

My gay cousin's right in the back.

- Beat it, hombre.

- Your loss. [Chloe scoffs]

- See, I'd be more annoyed if he didn't just prove my point.

- Okay, look, look. How about this?

How about I go back outside

and give you a 20 minute headstart?

Fair?

- You're vastly overestimating my abilities here.

- I have faith you'll do good.

- All right. I understand.

I should have given you a time to relax

so you can properly absorb Enrique.

- I am literally kissing him currently.

- That's okay, sweetheart. [Chloe scoffs]

- Not him? - Not him.

- Not me, what?

- I will cut your fucking balls off.

- Mm.

Feisty.

- Good luck.

[synth pop music]

- Hi.

- Hi. [chuckles]

- Can I buy you a drink?

- Grey Goose and cranberry.

Double.

[upbeat acoustic music]

[Chloe sighs]

Oh, are we going...

Yeah, no, let's get a booth. It's quieter.

- [Woman] Hey, sorry.

I know, ooh, he's coming.

- So I'm Sam and I was just wondering if-

- Yeah, actually, I was just going to enjoy

this drink with my friend.

- Oh.

[people chattering]

[Chloe laughs]

- Stupid pigs.

[people chattering]

[sensual music]

[people chattering]

[sensual music]

[people chattering]

[sensual music]

[people chattering]

- Ooh.

[upbeat music]

- Hi, baby.

How's it going?

- I think I need more money.

- Oh, so I'm guessing you struck out?

- Repeatedly.

Well, feel free to keep trying,

but your headstart is officially over.

[kisses]

[upbeat music] [people chattering]

Gin and tonic, please.

- That's on me.

- Thanks.

- What's your name? - Chloe.

- I'm Chad.

- Well, thanks for the drink, Chad.

- Yeah, you like that drink?

- Yeah, it tastes like Christmas trees. [chuckles]

- Christmas trees?

What do you taste like?

[upbeat music] [people chattering]

- Hey. [chuckles]

Hello.

Seriously? Not even gonna look at me?

I mean, I am a human being, you know? Okay?

Don't you think that's a little rude?

Because I do.

I think it's very rude, in fact.

Okay, fine, I get it.

You're the hot girl at the bar.

You don't have to talk to me.

Just stop ignoring me!

Oh, god.

Hi. - Hi.

- How's it going? - Just, not actually that-

- Great!

Hey, what's your favorite food?

- Sushi. - Raw fish.

Hell of a thing.

- No actually raw fish is sashimi-

- Culture, what do you know?

Something new every day.

Listen, I need to talk to you about something.

- So what do you do?

- I'm a personal trainer for stars.

- Really? - Yeah.

- What, like space?

- Space? No, not like space.

- I'm kidding. - I know.

Uh, celebrities.

- Like who?

- Well, I don't want to brag, but you'd be surprised.

- I promise I won't tell.

- Oh? Okay.

See, I don't know if I can trust you, though.

- What? [laughing]

I am insulted.

No. - All right, well, look.

Why don't you tell me one of your secrets

and I'll tell you mine?

- I guess that sounds fair. - Mm-hm.

- What do you wanna know?

- Hm.

What do you wanna tell me?

- So you want me to have sex with you and your girlfriend?

- Not necessarily.

You just need to seem like you want to

long enough for us to leave this bar.

As soon as we're out of here, you can change your mind

and then you can bail if you don't want to.

Wait, do you want to?

- I haven't completely ruled out the possibility yet.

[Sam laughs]

- You're fucking with me, right?

- Not yet. [laughs]

- You're very sure of yourself.

- That's not a secret.

- Okay.

I need to tell you something.

- Okay.

- [Sam] So you? Mm?

- Look, look, I was supposed to meet a date here, right?

He was supposed to be here

like more than an hour ago, you know?

Didn't call, no tags, just like,

didn't show up, you know, and that hurt.

So, you...

You just, you came right up to the sad girl

at the bar, you know, no hesitation.

- Uh...

- Okay.

Well, if you want to bring a girl, that's fun,

but look, if you got me, you don't need the other guy.

- No, it's not...

This is what we're doing.

- So then why you're talking to me, hm?

- I told you.

We want to try out this idea

because we think it could be, you know-

- Yeah, better.

Right, more exciting, more invigorating.

And you're right, it can be.

Just, um, with me.

[Chloe chuckles]

- Look, um...

I love my boyfriend.

- Okay, all right.

All right.

Do you want to say it a little louder

so he can hear you over there? [laughs]

I'm kidding.

You know what? It's fine.

Just, all right.

Look, when this is all over,

here you go, just give me a call, all right?

- Oh my god and you listened to me like,

pour my heart out with such compassion.

- Of course I did. - Yeah.

I mean, I like, I want to make it up to you, Sam.

- What?

Well, anytime you need a shoulder to cry on,

I am there for you, Tr...

- [Woman] What's my name?

- Of course I know your name. That's silly.

I've been listening to you

pour your heart out the whole night.

I'd be a real dick if I didn't know your name.

- [Woman] No seriously, what is it?

- I know it, I do.

You just got me excited with all the

oh my god we're gonna have a threesome.

It's like a breast octopus and-

- No, no, listen.

You restored my faith in men, Sam.

Don't take that away from me, okay?

What's my name, Sam?

What is it?

- Deloris.

[upbeat music]

[hitting] [Sam yells]

[Sam groaning]

- It's Miranda.

[kisses]

- What the fuck?

Ah!

- [Chloe] You okay, honey?

[Sam groans]

- Just ducky, honey.

- [Chloe] You sir, are a stud.

- Help me.

[Chloe chuckles] - Okay.

Come on.

[Sam groans]

Well she was a lovely girl.

- Oh, you are so funny.

Let's sit down. - I'm sorry, I'll be nice.

- Not seriously, I've got to sit down.

I gotta sit down. - Okay, okay, okay.

- Oh.

[grunts]

Ooh, you girls are lucky.

You missed out on the whole external genitalia thing.

[sighs]

'Cause let me tell you, it's not just the hit.

I mean that hurts, but it's the reverberations,

just like pain, ping ponging through your testicles

like a wave of nut sack terror

and making you kind of nauseous, a little.

Maintain...

Maintain...

- How about we get you to bed, huh?

- I don't think I'll be any use to you there.

- I'll live.

[soft acoustic music]

- Come on.

Oh god. - You're okay.

[Chloe laughs]

You're being dramatic. - Oh no, I'm not.

- It's the internet. - Exactly.

We're looking for real sex from the internet,

which I don't know if you have a lot of experience with,

but let me tell you, I don't.

I just, but I've heard it's very shady and such.

- Nice save.

- Ah, thank you. - Look, it's something

that we should at least consider, okay?

[Sam groans]

All right, a loving couple looking for...

What are we looking for?

- Hot chick with big old boobs?

- No, come on, fair is fair.

- There is a hairy penis.

- Yeah, like yours is so smooth.

- That's not the...

Wait, do I have a hairy dick?

- Looking for a man or woman for playful experimentation.

- I'm serious. - Must be clean,

discreet and understanding.

- I'm a little alarmed that you're dodging the question.

- Please send picture and information

and we'll get back to you. - Do I have Wookiee dick?

I'm nervous. - I'm excited.

- Which one is this again?

- This is the Taiwanese gymnast.

- I'm excited. [Chloe chuckles]

- I can tell. [laughing]

- [Sam] So when's she getting here?

- Hi.

- Hello. - Can we help you?

- ExperimentTemptation?

- What?

- That was our internet handle.

- How does he know that?

And why was that our internet handle?

- I'm sorry? Who are you?

- UdonKitty46.

- You showed us this picture.

- Yep.

You guys want pancakes?

[soft music]

- Do you know what would be really hot?

You two, me and my dad.

- And when you first go in, it's just like-

- Okay well his skin is so soft.

I'm telling you, his skin is so soft, seriously.

- [Sam] Taylor?

- Hi. What's going on?

- Hey, you like double penetration?

- Well hello there.

- Hi. Is this in response to the ad?

- That it is. - Well, great.

My name is Chloe and this is my boyfriend, Sam

and what we're really looking for is someone-

- I have a 15-inch penis.

- 15-inch...

- Penis. Yes, thank you.

I know.

You just let it sink in for a second there.

Hey yo! [laughs]

- Whoa.

That doesn't sound too bad. - That is way too big.

- Oh, thank God.

- [Man] What?

- That's like too much for a vagina to handle.

- I've never had any complaints.

- That's because they go into shock

After you ruptured their kidneys.

15 inches?

- Is that like metric or something?

- No, take your $5 foot long and add three more inches.

- How?

- Eh, good genes, man.

- No, I mean like how do you walk?

- I walk with a cane.

- That's like a disability, man.

- Do you know anyone who could actually take?

- Well, I think I've just met- - No.

- Okay, no, I guess I don't, no.

- When was the last time you got laid?

- You mean like with an actual person?

- Sure.

[sobbing]

Aww. - Aww.

Hey, it's okay.

- It's okay.

It's all right, buddy, it's-

Ah. [man sobbing]

- That was a disaster.

God.

My shoulders are so tight.

- Really?

[Chloe chuckles]

- Sam, if you think I am in the mood after all of that,

you've got another thing... - Shh.

- Oh my god, never stop doing that.

- That good, huh? - Oh, well you're not Ian but-

- I'll stop. - No, no, keep rubbing.

Keep rubbing.

Please. - Keep rubbing what?

[Chloe sighs]

- Keep rubbing, Cock Master.

- Mm-hm.

- Of the Ages, sorry, oh Cock Master of the Ages.

- [Sam] Credit where credit is due.

- Mm, due it is.

[moaning]

Condom?

- Well I was thinking of starting with a little bit-

- Oh you will start with,

but the way I'm feeling tonight,

you don't grab it now, it's not getting used.

- [Sam] Gotcha.

[laughing]

I'm jumping.

Hey, hon, question.

- [Chloe] Ooh, I like this game.

- No, um, I was thinking,

when we have our thingy,

we should probably have, like, multiple condoms, right?

- Wait, what?

- Well I was thinking like I would go from

inside you into girl X.

That seems a little...

You okay with that?

Oh, you're...

You're going to have like actual sex with her?

- Not...

Was that not the idea?

- No it was just that I assumed, um...

So you wanna fuck her?

- Whoa, hold on, we don't even have like a her yet.

- No, I know, I know, I know.

But whatever her you want to be inside of her?

- It's a thought.

- I mean, no, you can tell me.

Just be honest with me. I won't be mad.

- See, I'm not entirely positive that that's true.

- No, really. Tell me.

- Yes, I would.

I would like that.

- Huh? - Oh no.

- What? - That huh, what was that?

- No, it's nothing.

It's nothing, it's just...

Okay, so whoever guy we pick, you'd let him fuck me?

- If you wanna.

- I mean, are you okay with that?

- Are you? - I asked you first.

- Look, you love me, right?

- God, sweetie, of course.

That's not- - No, no, no.

I know, I know.

It's not about being dissatisfied with each other

or looking for love elsewhere.

It's fun.

- Right.

- And so if I am the man that you love

and I feel so gay calling myself a man,

if I'm the guy that you come home to, then yeah.

I'm okay with it.

- Oh god, I think I'm going to cry.

- Oh no. [murmuring]

I was just kidding. What other girls?

- No, no, it's a good cry.

- Sorry?

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

- Good.

Now come over here and fuck me silly, my Cock Master.

- [Sam] Will my work never end.

[laughing]

[Sam grunts]

[women laughing]

- [Alex] Oh my god.

Get this bitch another drink.

[laughing]

- All right. - Let's cheers to something.

- [Chloe] What should we drink to?

- To lost love-

- May all men suffer horrific anal fissures.

- Ow. - Here, here.

- Woo! - Ow, that kinda hurt.

- Hello, everybody. - Fucking man.

- Hi, baby. [chuckles]

- [Sam] Hi.

- Hi.

- What's going on?

- Um, well, Kaitlin's a little upset about Joe.

Has he said anything about her recently?

- Honestly, dude, it's like a quarter and then like a penny.

- No, not really. - Oh.

Well you are kind of the enemy tonight.

- Got it.

Just gonna grab my DVD and I'll-

- Couldn't satisfy a ginger sprig.

- Yeah, okay, so Avengers DVD?

- [Chloe] On my desk.

- [Sam] Thank you.

- Hey, come have a drink with us.

- No thank you.

- You are...

Your breed.

- [Esther] Oh, I love drunk Kaitlin.

- Yeah, I think Chloe might kick us out

if we get her boyfriend stabbed, though.

- You try to use us.

We are nothing but penis sheaths to you.

- Uh, I'm right here.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You know, Chloe, be all subservient,

crawling around on all fours, wouldn't you?

- Doesn't sound awful.

- You try to own us!

But that is not enough for you.

Most of you want, like, two or three,

four of us at once and most of you

do not have what it takes to fuck one of us properly!

Get me a legion of men!

[upbeat, funky music]

- [Chloe] It's not as easy as it looks, huh?

- You are officially too organized for your own good.

Did you write hookers?

- Look at this point, it's at least worth talking about.

- Yeah, about that.

- Ethnicity, skin tone, cup size.

I'll take care of that for you.

Whether or not she does anal. Yeah.

Price range, and then you just hit search.

- So it's like ordering a pizza?

- Yeah.

- Except it's a woman.

- It's awesome.

- Click the lowest price range.

Ah! - Oh.

Oh, my.

- Jesus.

- You guys ordering Chinese food?

- Okay.

Um...

Should we try the bars again?

- Mm, no.

- [Chloe] Oh Sam, come on, stop it.

They're the same size. - They weren't before.

- All right, no bars.

Uh...

- We can put another ad.

- No, no, no more Craigslist. Those people...

- Scared you? - Yeah.

- [Sam] Eh.

- Do you know what yiffing is?

- So where does that leave us?

- Friends.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

- After Esther?

- Look, we just need to be smarter

about how we approach the topic.

- Okay. But who?

- That is the question, though, isn't it?

- No! [Chloe laughs]

- Look, you know my friends.

You know what you like better than I do.

- Look, I know you've been incredibly cool about all this,

but I just feel like I'm going to say one thing

and you're just gonna snap back hard.

- No, I won't.

And if I do, you have my permission

to call me a crazy bitch.

- Oh, that's so cute. You think I need your permission?

[Chloe laughs] - Okay, so, who is it?

Kaitlin?

- And most of you do not even

have what it takes to fuck one of properly!

- Okay, okay. Uh...

Alex?

- Um, she's...

- Hey look, I've, I've seen her dance.

I'd be interested to see what that's like.

- Looks like a rollercoaster for my penis.

- So Alex?

- Am I in trouble? - No.

- You sure?

- Yup.

[kisses]

All right.

- [Alex] So let's do this.

- Do what?

- If I have to explain to you that it goes-

- You'll do the thing? The..

- Yeah. - Us

- Yeah. - Oh my god.

- Yeah. - Oh my god, Alex, thank you.

Thank you! [laughing]

- So, so, so, so, so,

so sorry, but I'm very excited and...

- I can tell. - Mm-hm.

- So, when's good for you?

- How about tomorrow night?

- Oh. - That works for me.

[laughing]

- Mm-hm.

All right, then.

Right, okay.

Maybe drinks, um, six?

Maybe like somewhere in like Union Square-

- Wining and dining a threesome?

This one's a keeper, Chloe.

- Mm, I know.

[laughing]

- Let's go get food.

- Okay. - Food.

- Threesomes and food!

Threesomes!

- We got her.

[laughing]

- [Alex] What about the old guy

sitting at the other table?

He was like what is going on?

- Dude, oh my god.

I thought he was going to choke on his biscuit.

[laughing]

- Right? Maybe he might have a heart attack.

- Yeah, no.

- Oh, I'd feel really bad then.

- That would have been bad. - Yeah.

- How funny would it have been if he died?

[awkward chuckling]

- So anyway. - So I'm just gonna

take off my socks. [laughing]

- Keep 'em on.

- They're not, trust me, I've learned that the hard way.

- All right, uh...

So, I don't know how this all is supposed to start.

- Who knew that awkwardness

was a sexually transmitted disease?

[Sam laughs]

- Hey. [laughing]

- You're awkward. [laughing]

- Oh, you've done this before. Uh...

How do we get going?

- All right, well, you can fetch me a beer.

Us girls will make ourselves comfortable.

- Okay.

I will get you beer

and you will not lock the door on me when I leave the room?

[laughing]

[laughing] [indistinct whispering]

Okay, so there was one.

- Ah. - Wow.

- Really sprung for the high quality stuff I see.

- Got your high quality stuff right here.

- Mm. - Oh.

- Look at the sudden confidence.

- I know.

- Yeah.

- And there it goes.

- I... - There it went.

- No, don't come out just yet.

[sensual jazz music]

- So we were thinking,

we thought you were so sweet treating us to a night out,

we just had to do a little something for you.

- [Sam] Suck me in.

- What? - Nothing.

[claps]

Proceed. [laughing]

[sensual jazz music] [giggling]

[upbeat marching music] [laughing]

- What?

- Fucking jingles.

I'm sorry, I'll fig-

- [Alex] Oh, do nothing.

[upbeat marching music]

[laughing]

[snoring] [birds chirping]

- Oh, oh babe.

[Joe groans]

- Dude, why are you wearing my pants?

- Ladies.

Please, not so loud.

- Oh, my bad, man.

There was totally room on the bed for you.

- Oh, that would've been nice.

- [Joe] Yeah. Hindsight 20/20.

[Ian grunts]

- What the fuck did Sam just send me a picture of?

- Oh my god! - Holy shit!

- Oh, Jesus! - Yeah!

- That's actually not a bad shot.

- Oh my god!

- You cocky bastard.

- Hey, don't playa hate.

Appreciate.

- [Ian] Will you drink all of this and die?

- Oh, so what'd you do today

besides not wear the belt, obviously?

- Well, I actually had a pretty slow day today.

I got home early from work, watched some TV,

made myself a drink,

jerked off thinking about your threeway-

- That'll happen.

- Uh, I made another drink.

I jerked off thinking about banging Chloe by myself

on top of a mountain while you cry in a corner you fuck.

- That's elaborate.

[Ian sighs]

- Had another drink and then you came home

and ruined everything.

[laughing]

- Jerked off twice, huh?

- Yeah. It was a pretty slow day.

Dude, by the way, you've got to give you some details

on how that went down.

- I have to do no such thing.

- Oh, um, that's fine.

I can just ask Chloe about it when she gets here.

- Come again for big fudge?

- I kind of invited Chloe to hang out

with us tonight for drinks.

You should probably not act surprised when she gets here.

That would make my invites seem a little weird.

- That is weird.

Would you stop trying to fuck my girlfriend?

- Oh, you still think you can stop this from happening?

You are so cute. Drink up, buttercup.

- [Sam] I hate that I can't tell if you're kidding.

- Not kidding at all.

- Okay, fine.

So, hypothetically- - Yeah?

- If I were to give you details,

would you stop trying to fuck my girlfriend?

- I promise to try not to say anything out loud

about banging that sweet poon for the rest of the night.

[phone pings]

Is that her?

- Okay.

Fine.

What do you want to know?

- Dude, I want to know everything!

I want to know, I want to know the fucking details.

I want to know the nitty gritty titty of it.

I want to know who went down on who,

did Alex stick her finger in your ass,

did Chloe lap the cum off of Alex's tits?

- Jesus Christ. - Like a naughty little puppy?

- Dude, I'm too sober for this shit.

- We can fix that, son!

- Not, no.

- Yes!

- No. - Okay.

So you get back to Chloe's place

and they just start, what, going at it?

Were you les-merized?

- Yep, yep, I'm gonna need another drink.

- Come up?

- Low.

- Oh.

- Oh! - Oh!

- No, no, no, no. - Son of a bitch!

- Aces are low, aces are low! - Bullshit.

Ace up your sleeve.

- No, no, no. - Ah!

Put it in you mouth.

♪ Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot ♪

- Shot. - Come on.

- Do it. - Gentlemen.

- Oh!

- And she downs it like a champ.

- Slurps it up and it's all over her face.

Yeah, yeah. [laughing]

- Pinkie up, motherfucker. - What did I say

about throwing it at my face afterwards.

What did I say?

- Do you think we should tell him

that you can't light a vodka shot?

- Well the guy's gotta learn for himself.

- Fuck!

My eye, bro!

Oh, goddammit. [laughing]

- And so then, Dr. Kipliner was all like, fuck,

you know Chloe, you should just fucking do that

instead of the different way.

You shouldn't do it that way- - It's okay.

- Oh my god, never stop doing that.

Oh.

[kissing]

[chuckling]

[kissing]

[laughing]

[slaps] [Chloe laughs]

[kissing]

- [Ian] Fuck this.

[kissing]

[Chloe giggles]

Oh shit. [Chloe laughs]

Okay.

[kissing] [heavy breathing]

[moaning] [grunting]

[panting] [moaning]

Hey buddy.

You want some bacon?

How about some sausage?

What? - What are you doing?

- What? - What are you doing?

- Yo, I'm making eggs, motherfucker.

Speaking of which, before I forget,

banged your girlfriend, right?

Yeah, I did a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

[laughs]

Ooh.

[laughs]

Where is our lovely lady this morning?

Sammy? - Hm?

- Where's Chloe? - Asleep, I think.

- Not wrong. [chuckles]

Morning, baby.

- [Ian] Your eggs, milady.

- Oh my, and he cooks, too.

[laughing]

Oh, we should probably keep him around more often, huh?

What's the matter? You look a little out of sorts.

[Sam groans]

Oh my God. These eggs are amazing.

- [Ian] Right? Italian dressing and seasoned salt.

That's all it is. - Get out!

- [Ian] Nope, swear to god.

My mom's do the Italian dressing thing

when I was a kid and then I just made eggs

so many mornings and I messed around with the seasonings.

Seasoned salt nails it.

- [Chloe] I really think you're on to something.

This is really, really good. - Yeah, it really brings out-

[hits]

[birds chirping in the distance]

- What happened?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

Sam, you just punched your best friend in the face.

- He's not my best friend. - Since when?

- Since he fucked my girlfriend.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- What? - Don't do this.

- What? - Don't do this.

- What is this? - Please don't do this.

- Don't? What is this?

- Get mad. Get weird.

Don't.

Please?

- How could you do this?

How could you do this to me? - Do what to you?

- Fuck my best friend. - We did it together, Sam.

- Did you like him more than me?

You can't just say no? - That is not the point.

- What is the point? - I'm not doing this!

You want to fight me? That's too bad.

I'm not stooping to your level.

Oh? Oh you can't stoop to my level?

- Sam, this was supposed to be fun.

It was, it was fun.

It was something that we could give each other

and it was something that would bring us closer together.

- Yeah, you and Ian are plenty close now.

- So are you and Alex. - That's different.

- Seriously?

How?

Because I understood what this was and you forgot?

- Because it's- - What, what?

- Because it- - You don't even know, do you?

Wait, wait, wait, Sam, Sam, look at me.

Look at me the way you did before last night, please just,

look at me the way you used to.

Wait, Sam.

Sam, this is what we said we wanted.

Sam!

[soft, emotional music]

- [Esther] If he can't handle it, that's his problem.

- I know, you're right. I mean, totally right.

It is absolutely 100% his problem.

- But?

- Why am I the one in fucking misery?

[knocking]

- Sam.

Hey you.

Uh...

What's going on?

- It's a whole...

Joe, why aren't you wearing any pants?

- A ghost took 'em.

- Hi, honey.

Who is it?

Hey Sam.

- Huh.

Okay, look, I'm having a really rough night

and I really need a place to stay

and I don't know where Taylor is.

I tried calling him, but it's just...

- Oh, hey man.

[Kaitlin chuckles]

[Sam scoffs]

Hey man, where are you going?

Come on, you just got here,

- Oh?

- Yeah, you should be angry.

- I know. - No, you should be pissed.

- Yeah, I know. - well then why aren't you?

- Because that doesn't get me what I want.

- What?

- Look, you know, if I wanted to make him feel guilty,

if I want to, to, you know, chew him out,

if I wanted to make him melt into a pile

of self-doubting goo and make him feel so shitty

that he'd never had the nerve

to talk to another woman again, I would, and I could,

I mean, I could attack every insecurity,

every doubt, every sore topic, but...

I don't want that.

You know, I, I just want us to be okay.

I want him to come back.

[knocking]

- Hey.

- Hey.

Can I come in?

- No, you have to stand in the hallway.

- Oh, um- [Alex laughs]

- Come in, Dorkimus Prime.

[Sam mimics robotic whooshing] [Alex laughs]

- [Sam] Wow, your apartment is very salmony.

- Thanks.

- [Sam] You're welcome.

- So what brings you to my neck of the woods?

Your phone call was a tad dramatic.

- Yeah, um...

Me and Chloe kind of had a fight.

- Shit.

Was it about me and the thing?

- Kind of, but not.

It's, I don't really want to talk about it, so, yay.

- [Alex] You come into my apartment

in the middle of the night because you and Chloe had a fight

and you don't wish to discuss it?

- That is correct.

- How about now?

- [Esther] I'll get that.

- Hey, man.

Can we talk?

- Sure.

- I will leave you guys alone.

[laughing]

- Ooh, so you let Ian fuck your girlfriend.

- I wouldn't say let Ian fuck my girlfriend.

- [Alex] Did you tell him not to?

- No. - Was it his idea?

- Kinda. - Kinda how?

- Okay, technically me and Chloe started it, but still it's-

- How is that not you just letting him?

- [Sam] Well I didn't say step right up

to my girlfriend's vagina.

Two balls for three dollars.

Old tickers, old tickers.

- Right, but Chloe didn't say step right up

to my boyfriend's penis.

Not the first time, anyway. [laughing]

- It's different.

- How?

- It...

Okay.

So, like, when you and me, rah-ha-ha,

it didn't mean anything, right?

- I don't know.

- Oh you don't? Okay, who would know?

[laughing] I could call them.

Or text them. It's the future.

I'll text them. Ow.

- You're cute. [Sam growls]

[laughing]

- Thank you.

But no, seriously, so like it didn't

mean anything for you, right?

- This is a bad idea.

- I'm sorry Sam hit you.

- So is my face.

Luckily he's a bit of a pussy, so.

- Really? Because it looks pretty bad.

- I mean, I can't see any color out of that eye, but-

- What? - Totally had worse.

- Ian, you need to go to a hospital.

- Right, the hospital.

You know how when you're gainfully employed,

you should probably, I don't know,

get some health insurance?

- You idiot.

[Ian chuckles]

- Yeah.

- Let me get you some ice.

- Much obliged.

I haven't been back to the apartment yet, so...

Oh.

- Sorry. [Ian grumbles]

[Chloe sighs]

- What?

- What was it to you?

- Fun.

- Nothing more?

[Alex chuckles]

- Nope.

Nope.

No.

- [Alex] Oh.

- Oh my god.

I'm sorry.

You okay?

- Mm-hm, fine.

I guess it didn't mean anything.

- Look, we said going into it that-

- I know.

Don't worry about it, doesn't matter.

- Sorry.

[Alex scoffs]

- That was really stupid.

- No, no it wasn't. It was...

[sighs] Shit.

- Wow, okay, so new topic.

Um [chuckles] uh, why the fuck are you so upset?

- What?

- Oh my god. You're a fucking goldfish.

Chloe.

- Yeah, look, it's complicated, okay?

- No it's not. - Yeah, it is.

Because of the- - What, you think this was

part of Chloe's, like, big diabolical plan.

Like string you along for three years

and then leave you after one night of drunken sex, really?

- [Sam] I never said she planned anything.

- Then what are you saying?

- It's Ian. - He's your best friend.

- Yeah, and a complete man-whore.

- [Alex] He wouldn't try to steal Chloe.

- I'm not saying you would try.

I'm just saying- - What are you say...

- It's Ian.

He does massage. - Oh my god.

- And he gets girls and he speaks Esperanto.

- [Alex] You've got to be kidding me.

- Is it that hard to believe?

- That a girl you loved walks out on you

because you had a threeway with your friend?

Yeah, it's pretty fuckin' far-fetched.

She loves you. - I know she does.

- So? - So what?

- Am I hot?

- What?

- Like objectively, would you like to tap this?

- Sure.

- [Alex] So why aren't we humping right now?

- Because I love Chloe.

- Exactly!

So what's the fucking difference?

- It's Chloe.

She's smart and sexy and funny and ghosts.

She makes origami ghosts

and she hangs them from above the bed

and they're like meh, and she's difficult

in the best possible way.

Just trying to get her to watch a movie

that I want to watch is an adventure in and of itself,

but that's an adventure that I want to take.

She snores like a Wildebeest

and she farts like you would not believe,

but I still want to spend every waking minute

with that smelly, loud hunk of woman.

She's everything.

- And what are you?

- What do you mean?

- You can never cheat on her 'cause you love her

'cause she's so amazing and even though

she told you she loved you a zillion and a half times,

you don't believe her.

You don't think anyone, you don't think you deserve

her or anyone really.

You put her on this pedestal

and in your pathetic fucking mind,

it's only a matter of time before she leaves

and you think this is it.

Now that she's tasted Ian, that it's all over.

- No it's- - And you know what?

If you keep thinking that, you'll actually be right.

- Oh my god.

I gotta go. - You gotta go.

- Thank you. I gotta go.

But... - Go.

[Sam grunts] [thuds]

- Sam?

Shit, Sam. - Ow.

- I'll get a blanket.

Shit.

- Are you okay?

- No.

I have no idea where Sam is and no idea what to do.

- You don't deserve this.

- You're damn right I don't.

- I'll talk to Sam.

- I appreciate that.

- Even though he fuckin' hit me.

- I thought you said it wasn't a big deal.

- I can't see colors.

[Chloe laughs]

[laughing]

- Oh my god.

- I had fun last night.

We all seemed to.

- Well, I didn't hate it.

- I think I'm going to put that on my business cards.

Ian Barnes, women don't hate fucking him.

- There could be worse reviews.

[laughing]

- Totally saw your boobs.

[laughing]

Fuck you. [laughing]

- I'm sorry.

- I'm injured. [laughing]

Hey.

Hey.

- Thank you.

[Chloe chuckles] Uh...

Ian? - Mm-hm?

- What you doin'?

- Eh, just feeling your tits against my chest.

- You're such a jerk.

[Ian sighs]

- I'm going to go find your boyfriend.

- You know you, you really don't have to do that.

- Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I do.

[soft piano music]

[knocking]

- Ian?

Ian, you there?

I forgot my keys man.

I'm a douche. - I'm a douche.

- We good?

- Not the first time I got cold-cocked

by somebody's boyfriend. [Sam chuckles]

- Good, 'cause I need your help.

[knocking]

[knocking]

[knocking] [Chloe groans]

[knocking]

- [Chloe] Asshole.

[Chloe sighs]

- I thought we should talk.

I owe you an apology.

- Really?

- Yeah. Yes.

I was way out of line.

Can you ever forgive me?

I brought bagels. - Not so loud, please.

I'm very hungover.

- Long night last night, huh?

Sorry.

My bad.

- Look, Sam. I'm...

I'm glad you're here and that you've calmed down

and you've brought me a bunch of flowers

I'm allergic to, but- - Wait, what?

- What was that about yesterday?

- It was...

- [Chloe] I mean, do you have any idea how you made me feel?

- Badly, I'm sure.

- Badly?

You made me feel like a whore.

- Oh. - Yeah.

You tried to slut-shame me like some misogynist asshole.

- Chloe, I'm so sorry.

I never meant to make you feel that way.

I'm just, I never meant to make you feel

like anything other than hunky-dory 24/7.

You know what I mean.

But I fucked up, big time.

You didn't deserve that. - No, I really didn't.

- So what was it about?

Were you testing me this whole time?

- No, no, no, god, no, no.

No. It had nothing to do with you.

- Then what was it?

- It...

- It obviously had something

to do with me. - No, no, it, okay.

Not why I freaked out.

That was on me.

- Then what was it?

- Seeing you with Ian.

It was hard. - Why?

- Because I thought you'd like him more than me.

- Sam. - I know, I know.

It's stupid and insecure and...

- Do you not trust me?

- Of course I do.

- But how could you, how could you possibly think that?

- Because I couldn't see what you see in me,

which I know is, is, is...

[sighs]

There it is.

- How long have we been together?

- Three years.

- Right.

Do you think I would waste three minutes,

let alone three years on anyone

who I thought was unworthy?

- Nope.

You kicked that homeless guy at one time

'cause he asked for change and he wasn't dancing.

- You have to stop telling people that.

They believe you.

- And what does that say about you?

[laughing]

- Sam?

Are you done with the self-doubt?

- I'm not sure. - Not funny.

- Sorry. Yes.

- Because it's not cute.

It's not endearing.

It's just a pain.

- Understood.

Thank you.

- For what?

- For everything.

[chuckling]

Three years, man.

- That's a long time. [Sam grunts]

- A lifetime.

- If you're a fish.

[laughing]

Sorry. - Dork.

You ever wonder why we decided

to have a threesome in the first place?

- I don't know.

More fun?

Exciting, I guess?

- I have a theory.

- Oh, you've come back wise.

Hit me. [laughing]

- I feel like in every relationship,

no matter how clearly awesome, there's a back door.

- Sam, I said no butt sex.

- I, no, no. Stop, no.

I don't mean, no butt sex. No.

What I mean is that there's always

a post this relationship time in their mind.

So if they want to experiment or whatever,

they think we'll just do it later, alone.

- Okay.

- But after a while, let's say three years,

they stop thinking about a post this relationship time.

In fact, they don't even think there will be

a post this relationship time, so if they want to explore,

then they do it together, as a couple.

- No post this relationship time?

- So I'm not the most eloquent. Sue me.

- Sued. - Ah!

[laughing]

What we did with Ian and Alex, that was fun,

but that was it.

At the end of the day,

the person that I want to be with is you.

The person that I want to live with,

to come home to, to cook with,

to play Little Big Planet with is you.

For the rest of my life.

- What?

- Chloe Mancini...

Will you marry me?

- Yes. - Yes?

- Yes.

[laughing]

- I'm gonna put that mother on

like you would not believe. [laughing]

- Oh no, it's the other hand.

- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I don't know directions.

- Oh my god, how could you afford this?

- Oh, at the wedding, I have to let Ian fuck my sister.

- Ha ha, joke's on her. We hate that bitch.

- I know, right? [laughing]

- Oh my god.

Did I just say no butt sex in the middle of your proposal?

- Yeah, you did.

- Wait, when we tell our kids about this,

can we leave that part out?

- What part can we tell?

- I guess we'll worry about that later.

- Ooh. With your headache?

- I'll work through it.

Pants off, now.

[laughing]

[soft, bright acoustic music]

♪ Rose is on rampage moving around the furniture ♪

♪ A table there, a sofa there ♪

♪ And over there the bed ♪

♪ Time to do the laundry again ♪

♪ You got to put the clothes on ♪

♪ Separate the lights and darks ♪

♪ You put the quarters in ♪

♪ They're talking about the future ♪

♪ Talking about the world at war ♪

♪ We're turning all the lights off ♪

♪ It's time to go the bed ♪

♪ And this is what I said ♪

♪ And this is what I said ♪

♪ This is what I said ♪

♪ It's a life ♪ ♪ It's life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ I call it a life ♪

♪ That's what it is ♪

♪ It's a life ♪ ♪ It's a life ♪

♪ It's just a life ♪ ♪ It's just a life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ Oh we're living in again ♪

[bright, upbeat music]

♪ Having eggs and corn beef hash ♪

♪ Thank you Lou, no problem Miss Sandy ♪

♪ She's deftly maneuvers them off of the counter ♪

♪ And gingerly puts the plates down ♪

♪ What can I get you boys ♪

♪ How about some coffee, sugar ♪ ♪ Sugar in your coffee ♪

♪ I'll take black and I'll take tea ♪

♪ I just got out of bed ♪

♪ Are you boys from the trade mill ♪

♪ How'd you guess ♪

♪ It's written on the buttons on your chest ♪

♪ And then I did the rest ♪ ♪ And then I did the rest ♪

♪ And then I did the rest ♪

♪ And again ♪

♪ It's a life ♪ ♪ It's life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ It's just a life ♪

♪ That's what it is ♪

♪ It's a life ♪ ♪ It's a life ♪

♪ You call it a life ♪ ♪ You call it a life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ Living to the end, but ♪

♪ High on an airplane ♪

♪ Looking at the ground below whoa oh ♪

♪ High in an airplane ♪

♪ Higher than you'll ever know oh oh oh ♪

♪ High in an airplane ♪

♪ Looking at the ground below oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ High in an airplane ♪

♪ Higher than you'll ever know ♪

[bright, upbeat music]

♪ Alfred in Zimbabwe ♪

♪ He grew up without a family ♪

♪ Met some Peace Corp volunteers ♪

♪ That came and went away again ♪

♪ Indonesia, Polynesia, Pakistan, Afghanistan ♪

♪ You build the trenches, wear the sorries ♪

♪ Think about the plans ♪

♪ What's that overhead ♪

♪ Food and bombs and propaganda dropped on ♪