Original subtitles

(all yelling)

WHERE'S MICKEY?

MISSING THE FUN.

COME ON, YOU BRIGANDS!

COME ON, WHERE ARE YOU?

THANK YOU, JERICHO.

DON'T MENTION IT, SIR.

WHERE'S BARNEY?

IT WAS A DREAM.

YES, LITERALLY.

WHAT ABOUT OUR WORK?

WHAT ABOUT THE NATURAL WORKS?

IF MEN ARE FIGHTING

THERE'LL BE NO ONE LEFT TO LOOK AFTER NATURE.

NATURE CAN LOOK AFTER ITSELF.

WE CAN'T TAKE CARE OF NATURE.

NATURE CAN TAKE CARE OF ITSELF, YOU HEAR?

WE'VE A WAR TO WAGE!

THERE'S STORMS, FLOODS

SNOW IN SUMMER.

THE LEAVES WILL WITHER

AND DIE.

(trumpet blowing)

(trumpet blowing)

(crow cawing)

SO... DID YOU SEE ME

BEFORE YOU DECIDED NOT TO GET THE TRAIN

OR DID YOU NOT

GET THE TRAIN BECAUSE YOU SAW ME?

I THINK I CATCH YOUR DRIFT.

I HAD DECIDED

TO STAY ANYWAY.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, MISS KATHLEEN?

WERE YOU GOING TO COME WITH ME

OR WERE YOU JUST COMING TO SEE

IF I WAS GOING?

I HAD MY BAG, DIDN'T I?

I'VE ASKED YOU

TO WARN ME!

SORRY ABOUT THAT, JACK.

AH, THE LOVELY KATHLEEN.

SEAMUS.

SO THE SPITTING FISH WAS YOUR IDEA, WAS IT?

WELL, NOT DIRECTLY, NO.

BUT INDIRECTLY, YES.

ALL THIS CRAZY WEATHER...

WAS THAT YOU DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY?

THERE'S A BIT OF A DISAGREEMENT GOING ON

BETWEEN OURSELVES AND THE TROOPING FAIRIES.

IF YOU WANTED TO

YOU COULD DESCRIBE IT AS A, UH...

WELL, MARY, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT?

A FULL-OUT WAR.

A FULL-OUT WAR.

MMM. YES. WELL, THAT WILL JUST ABOUT DO IT.

A WAR?

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

OH, THE USUAL.

EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY.

NOTHING AND NOBODY.

SO, CAN I ASK YOU

A QUESTION, JACK?

I GUESS.

HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY FIGHTING?

BEING IN THE ARMY

AS IT WERE.

I, UH... I DID SOME BASIC TRAINING

IN THE MILITARY

BUT, UH... NEVER SAW ANY ACTION.

BASIC TRAINING!

DO YOU HEAR THAT, MARY?

JACK'S DONE BASIC TRAINING.

I HEARD.

SEAMUS, I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT IN YOUR WAR

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE AFTER.

I KNOW THAT.

THE FAIRIES WOULDN'T LET YOU ANYWAY.

THEY'D DISAPPEAR AS SOON

AS THEY'D LOOK AT YOU.

NO, NO. BUT, YOU SEE

WE LEPRECHAUNS ARE FREE SPIRITS.

THINKERS AND DRINKERS.

WE'RE NOT BUILT

FOR MARCHING IN STRAIGHT LINES

AND COMPLICATED BATTLE PLANS.

THEY NEED TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.

AND YOU'VE DONE BASIC TRAINING.

AND THEY'RE ABOUT

AS BASIC AS IT GETS.

WE'D GIVE YOU THE POWER

TO SEE THEM ALL.

AND YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE EMPTY-HANDED.

WE STILL HAVE A FEW POTS OF GOLD LEFT.

I THOUGHT THOSE POTS OF GOLD WERE JUST FAIRY STORIES.

THEY ARE, BUT

IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, WE ARE FAIRIES.

YES, WE STILL HAVE A FEW POTS PUT AWAY

FOR HARD TIMES.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, JACK?

IT'S A NOBLE CAUSE.

WHICHEVER SIDE YOU'RE ON IN A WAR

IS ALWAYS THE NOBLE ONE.

YEAH, AND TRULY, IT'S NOT ABOUT TAKING SIDES.

IT'S ABOUT GETTING PEACE.

GETTING THINGS BACK TO NORMAL.

RIGHT.

RIGHT, SO THE QUICKER WE WIN, THE BETTER.

OH, I MISS HIM SO, MAGGIE.

I MISS MY FIRST HUSBAND, RODERICK GOODRICH III.

A TRUE GENTLEMAN.

WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF HIS BATH

HE ALWAYS RANG A SMALL BELL

SO I WOULDN'T BE ALARMED.

IN MY DAY, YOU HAD TO HAVE IMPECCABLE MANNERS.

YOU JUST COULDN'T MAKE IT IN POLITE SOCIETY

UNLESS YOU HAD IMPECCABLE MANNERS.

MICKEY'S LIKE THAT.

NEVER.

HE'S A LEPRECHAUN.

TOTALLY DIFFERENT CASE.

A LEPRECHAUN WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE A GENTLEMAN

IF HE WAS ROBBING HIM.

(loud thuds)

Lady Margaret: MY SECOND HUSBAND

SAMUEL BALMORAL-- HE WAS EVEN MORE REFINED.

HE'D KNOCK ON AN OYSTER SHELL

BEFORE HE OPENED IT.

MY THIRD HUSBAND

WAS A LITTLE DELICATE.

HE WAS THE ONLY MAN I EVER KNEW WHO WAS

ALLERGIC TO MATHEMATICS.

YOU ONLY HAD TO ASK HIM TO ADD TWO AND TWO

AND HE'D RETIRE TO BED WITH A NOSEBLEED.

TRUTH BE TOLD, HE WAS A BIT OF A LOSER.

AHA...

THERE'S THINGS BETTER THAN LOVE AND WORSE THAN LOVE

BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND ANYTHING THAT'S JUST LIKE LOVE.

IT MAKES A MAN THINK ALMOST AS MUCH OF A WOMAN

AS HE DOES OF HIMSELF.

YEAH...

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO, WHERE ARE WE GOING?

TO THE SWAMPLAND

TO SEE THE BUTTER SPIRIT, SIR ALOYSIUS JENTEE.

HE'S A FRIEND OF MY FATHER'S

AND THE SWAMP IS NEUTRAL TERRITORY

SO THEY CAN'T TOUCH US THERE.

(crickets chirping)

Mickey: I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

Jessica: NOR ME.

WE SHOULD GO THE REST OF THE WAY ON FOOT.

YEAH.

THIS WAY.

WHY ARE THEY CALLED "BUTTER SPIRITS"?

BECAUSE ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS BUTTER.

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS TO THEM.

(wings flapping)

(loud screeching)

(gasps)

MICKEY...

BEASTLY STUFF.

THIS IS THE MOST HIGH BUTTER SPIRIT.

THE ONE AND ONLY!

SIR ALOYSIUS JENTEE AT YOUR SERVICE.

I'M DELIGHTED TO MEET YOU, MR. JENTEE.

MICKEY SAYS THAT YOU'RE AN OLD FRIEND.

I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HE WAS LITERALLY

KNEE-HIGH TO A GRASSHOPPER.

NOW, YOU MUST BE PRINCESS JESSICA.

CAN YOU DO ANYTHING FOR US, UNCLE ALOYSIUS?

BUST MY GAITERS...

LADDIE, I CAN OFFER YOU SANCTUARY!

COME HERE.

THIS WAY.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY BUTTER ABOUT, WOULD YOU?

IRISH? DANISH? ENGLISH?

WE'RE NOT PARTICULAR.

SPREAD THICK.

(laughing): GAD, WHAT DELIGHT!

WHAT DECADENCE!

NO. SORRY.

AH, NO MATTER.

WE'VE ADAPTED.

NOW, THIS IS OUR DOMAIN.

THIS IS LITTLE ENGLAND.

NOW...

WE'LL GET YOU SETTLED.

THEN YOU MUST JOIN ME FOR TIFFIN.

WHAT'S TIFFIN?

TEA AND CUCUMBER SANDWICHES.

NO BUTTER, I'M AFRAID.

WE'VE GOT MUD...

PLENTY OF MUD.

HE SPIRITED HER AWAY, YOUR MAJESTY.

IT'S THE DEVIL'S WORK!

ARE YOU SURE YOU WERE WATCHING, LADY MARGARET?

MY EYES WERE OPEN 24 HOURS OF THE DAY.

I NEVER SLEPT.

I HARDLY ATE.

AND WHEN I DID, I DIDN'T LOOK AT MY FOOD.

(sobbing)

THERE, THERE. I'M SURE MULDOON

WON'T HARM HER.

HE NEEDS HER AS A HOSTAGE.

I JUST HAD WORD THAT MICKEY MULDOON

HAS TAKEN PRINCESS JESSICA

TO THE BUTTER SPIRITS IN THE SWAMP!

WE CAN RESCUE HER.

DON'T PUNISH HER. IT'S IN HAND.

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL

BEING ORGANIZED LIKE CLOCKWORK.

NOTHING, NOTHING LEFT TO CHANCE. HA-HA!

(groans)

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL...

IS IT?

Father Daley: GOD IS IN HIS HEAVEN...

(thunder crashing)

AND ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD...

BUT IS IT?

NOW YOU MAY ASK ME WHY.

WHY IS IT

THAT ALL THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING?

WHY IS IT THAT THE ALMIGHTY GOD HAS DESERTED US

BUT SHOWN US THE ROCKY PATH

TO ETERNAL DAMNATION?

YOU MAY ASK ME

WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP

THESE DISASTERS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE

SO THAT OUR SINS CAN CATCH US UP

AND THEN WE ARE PULLED DOWN INTO THE FIERY PIT!

(voice rising): I REPLY TO YOU...

(calmly): I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.

(congregation murmuring)

ANY OPINIONS OUT THERE?

IT'S THE LITTLE PEOPLE.

THE FAIRIES AND LEPRECHAUNS

HAVE STOPPED LOOKING AFTER NATURE.

ANYBODY WITH ANY SENSIBLE OPINIONS?

COULD IT BE THE STATE OF THE ECONOMY, FATHER?

OR-OR MAYBE THE RAILWAYS, SINCE THEY CHANGED THE...

OH, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, MAN!

AH, YOU MADE IT.

THIS WEATHER

IS UNBELIEVABLE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU'RE NOT ON VACATION, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE HERE TO BUY UP

ALL THESE HOUSES SO YOU CAN TURN THIS PLACE

INTO ANOTHER DISNEYLAND...

AREN'T YOU?

IT WASN'T GOING TO BE ANOTHER DISNEYLAND.

(sighs)

KATHLEEN...

I TRIED TO TELL YOU.

I CAME HERE FOR WORK.

THEY SENT ME HERE

TO BUY UP SOME VACATION HOMES FOR AMERICANS.

YOU KNOW, GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE TO LIVE OUT THEIR DREAMS.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU SO MANY TIMES.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER NOW

BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

BUT YOU WERE TRYING TO TAKE OUR HOMES.

NO, NO, I WASN'T; I'VE JUST BEEN DOWN TO THE POST OFFICE

JUST NOW, CALLING NEW YORK

TELLING THEM THAT THIS PLACE IS NOT SUITABLE FOR THEM.

ALL RIGHT. WHICH, UM...

PARTICULAR LIE DO YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE, THEN?

I'M NOT LYING.

KATHLEEN, I LOVE YOU.

OH, RIGHT. THAT LIE.

(door opening and closing)

(frogs croaking)

Aloysius: YES, INDEED

DEAR FRIENDS.

PRINCESS JESSICA

AND MICKEY MULDOON ARE HERE

UNDER MY PROTECTION.

WELL, WE WANT THEM.

YOUR TERM, SIR, IS OFFENSIVE.

YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM!

WE CAME UNDER A WHITE FLAG OF PEACE.

SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

I'M COLOR-BLIND.

WE DIDN'T SAY GOOD-BYE TO ALOYSIUS.

I DON'T TRUST HIM.

WE'RE BETTER OFF FAR AWAY.

CAN I SPEAK PLAINLY?

I'D PREFER IT DEVIOUS, BUT BE PLAIN IF YOU MUST.

I'D LIKE TO BRIBE YOU.

BRIBE?!

NEVER, SIR.

THE IDEA IS OFFENSIVE TO MY EARS.

WE ARE ENGLISH TO THE BONE!

WHERE GIVEN WORD KEPT AN ENGLISHMAN'S WORD!

ENOUGH SAID.

BESIDES, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BRIBE US WITH?

BUTTER.

AH, BUTTER, OF COURSE, YES.

(gasping)

(wings flapping)

WELL, WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

THE VERDICT?

ABOUT JOINING OUR CAUSE.

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, SEAMUS

I HAVEN'T GIVEN IT MUCH THOUGHT.

(scoffing)

HERE WE ARE, ENGAGED IN A WAR

THAT COULD DETERMINE THE FUTURE

OF CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT

AND YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

I HAD A FIGHT WITH KATHLEEN.

IS THAT ALL?

WOMEN TROUBLE?

I HAVE THAT 24 HOURS A DAY.

WAS IT WHEN SHE FOUND OUT YOU WERE GOING

TO BUY UP THE COTTAGES?

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

WE'RE LEPRECHAUNS.

WE KNOW WHEN THERE'S MISCHIEF AFOOT.

I LOOKED INTO YOUR HEART

AND THEN I LOOKED INTO

YOUR DRAWER INSIDE.

(chuckles)

SAY, SEAMUS...

COULD YOU TALK TO KATHLEEN?

OH, UH, YES, MAYBE.

MAYBE I COULD, MAYBE I COULD.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD BE IN RETURN

FOR A SMALL FAVOR YOU MIGHT DO ME.

LIKE IF I HELP YOU OUT?

YOU SCRATCH MY BACK, I'LL SCRATCH YOURS, HUH?

THAT'S HOW THE WORLD TURNS, JACK.

ANYWAY, IT WILL TAKE

YOUR MIND OFF YOUR TROUBLES.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO SQUARE THINGS WITH KATHLEEN.

OH, SHE'S AS GOOD AS BACK IN YOUR ARMS.

(chuckling heartily)

ALL RIGHT.

(whistling)

HEY, I WANT YOU TO TURN THIS HAIRY RABBLE

INTO A FIGHTING MACHINE.

WHAT?

I'M SURE YOU'LL DO FINE.

YOU'LL DO FINE.

ANYWAY, YOU'VE ALL DAY TO DO IT.

BY MYSELF?

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

JUST LET ME EXPLAIN.

YOU PROMISED.

WHAT DID YOU DO

TO OUR SISTER?

SHE'S BEEN CRYING

HER EYES OUT ALL NIGHT.

HOLD STILL SO WE CAN KICK YOU.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO HER.

HOLD HIS ARMS, GEORGE.

I'LL HIT HIM.

NO, YOU HOLD HIS ARMS; I'LL HIT HIM.

YOU HIT THE FELLA THE LAST TIME.

I HELD HIS ARMS

THE LAST ONE.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

YES. LOOK, IT'S MY TURN.

I NEVER GET TO HIT ANYONE.

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG, LITTLE HARRY.

YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN

HOW TO CLENCH YOUR FISTS FIRST.

CAN I MAKE A...?

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN'T EXPECT

TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE HITTING.

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.

WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS THIS

OVER A DRINK, LIKE UH... GENTLEMEN?

AND IF YOU STILL WANT TO GET PHYSICAL

WELL, I'LL... I'LL OBLIGE YOU.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

COME ON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHY NOT?

Jack: THE BEER'S IN THE...

WELL, I SEE YOU FOUND IT.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

I WASN'T THIRSTY ANYWAY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY CHIPS AT ALL?

OR MAYBE, YOU KNOW

SOME LITTLE NIBBLES?

NO. NO, I... I DON'T.

UM, KATHLEEN, IS SHE OKAY?

I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO HER.

SHE SAYS YOU WANTED TO TURN OUR FARM INTO A CASINO.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU CALLING OUR SISTER A LIAR?

OF COURSE NOT.

I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD HAVE PAID A FAIR BIT

FOR THE, UH, THE PROPERTIES, YOU KNOW.

THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER NOW.

I'M NOT GOING THROUGH WITH IT, NOT ONCE I GOT

TO KNOW THIS PLACE.

George: RIGHT. SURE. UH...

THE MONEY WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD THOUGH, YEAH?

Seamus: IF IT'S MONEY YOU'RE AFTER

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GETTING SOME GOLD?

SOME GOLD? WELL, THAT...

WHO SAID THAT?

WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS, SEAMUS?

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

YOU NEED HELP, DON'T YOU? ASK THEM IF THEY'VE

DONE ANY SOLDIERING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SAY, UM...

YOU BOYS KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT DRILLING, ARMY-TYPE DRILLING?

WELL, YOU KNOW, ME AND THE LADS WERE IN THE SCHOOL CADET CORPS.

YEAH. WE LIKE TO SHOUT.

GIVING ORDERS.

STOMPING.

REALLY?

George: YEAH.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'D BE INTERESTED

IN HELPING OUT OUR LEPRECHAUN FRIENDS.

COMMANDER MULDOON

FRONT AND CENTER.

HOLY...

MARY.

MOTHER OF GOD.

COMMANDER MULDOON

MEET THE FITZPATRICK BROTHERS.

GOTCHA!

(laughing)

NOW THEN, LITTLE LEPRECHAUN

WHY DON'T YOU TELL UNCLE GEORGE

WHERE YOU'VE HIDDEN YOUR POTS OF GOLD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, JACK.

THAT'S WHAT THESE

FLAT-FOOTED, IGNORANT PEASANTS DO

WHEN THEY CATCH A POOR, DEFECTIVE LEPRECHAUN.

WE ARE RICH.

WHERE'D HE GO?

WHERE'D HE GO?

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO BEHAVE

LIKE GENTLEMEN, FITZPATRICKS

SO WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL THESE DISASTERS

YOU FARMERS HAVE BEEN HAVING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Seamus: AND MAYBE GET YOUR HANDS ON SOME GOLD

FOR YOUR TROUBLES, AFTER WE WIN.

SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY FAIR DEAL

TO ME, LADS, YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

OH, UH...

COMMANDER, UM...

YOU KNOW, SORRY ABOUT THE, THE GRABBING

AND THE THROTTLING AND EVERYTHING.

YOU'LL, YOU'LL BE WANTING YOUR LITTLE GREEN COAT BACK.

THERE, THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S A LOVELY TWEED.

NOW, CAN YOU DRILL

SOME DISCIPLINE

INTO THIS FINE ARMY

OF LAYABOUTS?

WHAT ARMY OF LAYABOUTS?

ALL RIGHT, LEPRECHAUNS, WE'RE GOING

TO START A LITTLE BIT OF BASIC TRAINING.

AT THE END OF THE TRAINING

YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BECOME

LITTLE GREEN BERRIES.

NOW... I AM GENERAL GEORGE.

NOW, WE'RE GOING TO START LIKE THIS.

ATTENTION!

THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO STAND UP STRAIGHT

WITH YOUR CHESTS OUT AND YOUR SHOULDERS BACK.

VERY GOOD.

NOW, PRESENT ARMS!

NO, DON'T WAVE AT ME.

THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO PRESENT YOUR WEAPONS.

HOLD YOUR WEAPONS LIKE THIS.

THE STICKS. THE STICKS.

VERY GOOD.

YOU ESPECIALLY, VERY GOOD.

NOW, WE'RE GOING TO TRY A LITTLE BIT OF MARCHING.

LEPRECHAUNS...

RIGHT HUT!

I SAID RIGHT, RIGHT.

TO YOUR RIGHT.

TO THE RIGHT, QUICK.

A-MARCH! LEFT, RIGHT.

LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT.

ABOUT FACE!

LEFT.

THAT MEANS TURN AROUND.

TURN AROUND THE OTHER... THE OTHER WAY.

COME BACK, THIS WAY.

LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT.

LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT.

AND HALT!

I SAID HALT!

STOP, STOP, STOP!

KATHLEEN, I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.

I'VE BEEN WANTING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU.

LOOK, I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU, JACK.

YOU LIED TO ME.

OKAY? BUT I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS FIGHTING.

IT'S GETTING WORSE.

ALL OUR MILK'S TURNED SOUR, WE'VE LOST

A WHOLE FIELD OF WHEAT

AND IF IT GOES ON LIKE THIS, WE'RE GOING TO BE RUINED.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

THEY'RE HELPING ME HELP THE LEPRECHAUN.

YOU SHOULDN'T

BE FIGHTING IN THE WAR.

YOU SHOULD BE TRYING TO STOP THIS.

I AM STOPPING IT, OKAY?

I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

OH, JUST GREAT.

BIG-CITY BOY COMES TO IRELAND

TO HELP SAVE THE PEASANTS FROM DESTRUCTION.

NOW, YOU HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE.

I PULLED SOMEBODY

OUT OF THE RIVER.

THAT'S ALL I DID.

AND SUDDENLY I FIND MYSELF A MILITARY ADVISOR

TO AN ARMY OF INVISIBLE PEOPLE TWO FEET HIGH.

THAT WAS NOT IN THE BROCHURE

AND I'M HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM HANDLING IT, OKAY?

ON TOP OF THAT, I FALL IN LOVE

WITH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER MET

AND EVEN THOUGH SHE, SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY

AND SO AS NOT TO UPSET HER

I LOSE MY BOSSES A FORTUNE, I LOSE MY JOB

I LOSE MY APARTMENT

BUT DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO HER? NO, NO.

SHE STILL THINKS I'M LYING TO HER.

MEANWHILE, THE WORLD IS PROBABLY COMING TO AN END

AND FRANKLY, THIS CITY BOY

HAS JUST ABOUT HAD IT!

AH, KATHLEEN, YOUR BROTHERS ARE DOING A FINE JOB.

COME ON, ME LITTLE GINGER CENTURIONS.

KEEP ON DRILLING.

THAT'S WHAT WAR'S ALL ABOUT--

DRILLING AND KILLING, DRILLING AND KILLING!

WE'RE TIRED.

OUR LITTLE LEGS AREN'T USED TO IT.

WE'LL HAVE TO BECOME INVISIBLE.

IT'S LESS TIRING FOR US.

INVISIBLE?

OKAY, THEN.

Seamus: OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THEY'RE STILL THERE.

KEEP GOING, YES.

KEEP, KEEP GOING.

OH, OKAY THEN.

ALL RIGHT.

MARCHING ON THE SPOT!

HUT, TWO, THREE...

COME ON, LADS, YOU'RE SOUNDING GOOD.

I HEAR YOU AND JACK

HAVE HAD A FALLING OUT, KATHLEEN.

NOW, IF YOU

WANT MY ADVICE...

I DON'T!

RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY.

IT'S NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE.

FORGET ABOUT THE TROUBLES IN YOUR HEAD

BUT LISTEN TO THE JOY IN YOUR HEART.

HE'S A FINE MAN, AND YOU'RE

AS BEAUTIFUL A FLOWER HAS EVER GRACED THE VALLEY HERE.

IF I WAS 200 YEARS YOUNGER AND THREE FEET TALLER

I'D SHOVE YOU...

OH, HELLO!

THERE'S MARY MULDOON.

MISTRESS KATHLEEN

WHAT ARE YOUR FOUR IDIOT BROTHERS DOING

TALKING TO THEMSELVES

IN AN EMPTY FIELD?

WELL, THEY'RE DRILLING YOUR TROOPS, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'VE ALL GONE INVISIBLE!

NO, THEY'VE ALL GONE FOR A DRINK.

George: NOW MARCHING IN DOUBLE-TIME.

LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT.

LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT.

LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT.

(Seamus snickers)

(thunder rumbling)

ANYTHING WRONG, JACK?

NO, NOTHING MUCH

EXCEPT THAT I HAVE TO STOP A WAR

SAVE THE WORLD AND WIN BACK THE ONLY WOMAN

I EVER LOVED.

OH, IS THAT ALL?

YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT IT.

I'M JUST AN ORDINARY GUY, MARY.

YOU'RE THE FIRST HUMAN IN YEARS

TO ACTUALLY SEE US LEPRECHAUNS AND MAKE FRIENDS.

YOU CAN'T BE THAT ORDINARY.

WELL, THAT WAS JUST LUCK.

MAYBE GOOD

MAYBE BAD.

IT MAKES YOU EXTRAORDINARY.

SO WHAT DO I DO, MARY?

SLEEP ON IT.

George: ON THE RIGHT.

QUICK MARCH.

Seamus: OH, YES!

BASIC TRAINING.

CAN'T BEAT IT.

STRAIGHT LINES.

NEARLY STRAIGHT.

MARCHING MAGNIFICENTLY.

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THEY DO TO THE ENEMY

BUT THEY SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF ME.

(gasping)

MICKEY!

Mickey: DOWN THERE. COME ON.

I BEAR YOU BAD NEWS, SIRE.

MICKEY MULDOON'S ESCAPED OUR PATROLS

AND STILL HAS YOUR DAUGHTER.

THE LEPRECHAUNS

WILL PROBABLY TRY AND USE HER FOR BLACKMAIL.

DAMN IT. WE ARE BEATEN!

BEATEN?

I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD.

"BEATEN" MEANS WE'RE FINISHED

DONE FOR, KAPUT, SIRE.

WE MUST TRY THE SAME PLAN.

NOW, THE PRINCESS IS IMPORTANT TO US

SO WE HAVE TO SNATCH SOMEBODY

IMPORTANT TO THEM.

AHH! MULDOON HIMSELF.

I WONDER

WHERE HE COULD BE.

HE'S JUST OUTSIDE.

(squeaking)

(sighing)

I'M, UH, JUST GOING FOR A DRINK WITH FERGUS.

HELPS KEEP UP MORALE.

YOURS OR THEIRS?

YOU POSTED SENTRIES?

OF COURSE I HAVE, AND I'VE ORDERED THEM ALL

TO STAY SHARP.

THEY'RE ABOUT AS SHARP AS BILLIARD BALLS.

MARY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN HERE TONIGHT.

(light squeaking)

(Irish music playing)

AHH, THIS IS THE STUFF THEY GIVE THE TROOPS.

UH, BUT SHOULDN'T WE BE HAVING A BIT OF AN EARLY NIGHT, SIR?

YOU KNOW, WHAT, WITH THERE BEING A BIG BATTLE AND ALL THAT?

GIELGUD, SOMETIMES I SUSPECT

YOU HAVE A LITTLE TROOPER BLOOD IN YOU.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, SIR.

GIVE ME A NETTLE JUICE, THERE.

AND MAKE IT A DOUBLE.

(music stops)

(all cheering)

YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE, SIRE, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

I MUST LEAD. I'M YOUR KING.

(bird hooting)

WHAT WAS THAT?

AN OWL, SIRE.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TAKE OVER?

OH, NO, NO, NO.

AH, BUT, THEN, YOU GO IN FRONT

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

RIGHT, MEN...

AWAY.

(people chattering in distance)

SHH.

IT'S FOR COMMANDER MULDOON.

THERE'S MULDOON.

OH... WAIT, WAIT. I'LL GET HIM.

(growls)

(laughing)

I DID IT.

AT LAST!

WHAT IS IT, BORIC?

VICTORY! GLORIOUS!

MAGNIFICENT VICTORY!

I WANT MY STATUE

ON A HORSE; I LOOK SO GOOD ON A HORSE.

COPPER, BRONZE, I DON'T MIND.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE KIDNAPPED THE LEADER OF THE LEPRECHAUNS, SEAMUS MULDOON.

(spluttering)

(mumbling)

(panting)

Jessica: MY FATHER WON'T LISTEN

NOT EVEN TO ME.

HE'LL THINK THAT I'M UNDER A SPELL.

MINE WILL THINK THE SAME.

AND NOW EVIL THOUGHTS

SIT ON THY SHOULDERS.

IT'S OUR FAULT.

IF WE HADN'T RUN AWAY TOGETHER.

I MAY BE

THE NEW GUY ON THE BLOCK HERE, BUT IT'S MY GUESS

THAT YOU'RE JUST AN EXCUSE FOR THEM TO KEEP FIGHTING.

IT'S NOT JUST A FIGHT.

THE GRAND BANSHEE'S TAKING THE LIVES

OF THE SOLDIERS.

WE'RE NOT IMMORTAL ANYMORE.

WHO'S THE GRAND BANSHEE?

SHE'S THE HEAD

THE CHIEF, THE GRAND AVATAR

OF ALL THINGS FAIRY AND LEPRECHAUN.

WELL, LET'S TALK TO HER.

TALK TO THE GRAND BANSHEE?

YEAH, WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?

TOP OF MOONSTONE MOUNTAIN.

NO, I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, MR. WOODS.

I THINK THAT MIGHT WORK.

SHE HAS THE POWER.

THERE YOU GO.

I'D LIKE KATHLEEN, UH...

KATHLEEN FITZPATRICK TO COME WITH US.

WHY?

WELL, ANOTHER HUMAN.

SHE'S FROM AROUND THESE PARTS.

SHE'S A WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, IT'LL SHOW THAT WE'RE ALL CONCERNED.

YOU KNOW, THAT WE'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER.

OH, RIGHT.

WHAT?

(both laughing)

NOTHING.

(whinnies)

TO THE RIGHT.

NO!

FIREFLY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

FIREFLY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

NO, TIME. WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE GRAND BANSHEE.

MOONSTONE MOUNTAIN.

HOW DID YOU GET THE PONY TO COME HERE?

THAT WAS ME, I'M AFRAID.

SORRY.

MOONSTONE MOUNTAIN, FIREFLY.

(Firefly whinnies)

Morag: WHAT ARE YOU

GOING TO DO NOW?

INTERROGATE HER.

THIS IS AN INTERROGATION ROOM, MA'AM.

I TOOK THE TROUBLE OF TURNING IT INTO ONE MYSELF, PERSONALLY.

THERE'S NOTHING IN IT EXCEPT A CHAIR.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT A PROPER INTERROGATION ROOM.

YOU'RE GOING TO INTERROGATE ME?

ABOUT WHAT?

SEAMUS NEVER TELLS ME A THING.

HE JUST GRUNTS

WHEN I ASK HIM ANYTHING.

JUST THE SAME WITH BORIC.

THAT'S HUSBANDS FOR YOU.

YOU'VE GOT IT IN ONE.

EXCUSE ME, COULD WE GET ON WITH THE MATTER IN HAND?

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ME

NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT ME?

SPERRY, SPERRY AND McGIRK WANTED ME

TO LOOK INTO SOME PROSPECTS.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL.

WELL, NO, NO.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, OKAY?

IT WASN'T SPERRY AND SPERRY.

IT WAS McGIRK WHO ASKED ME.

AND DO I CARE?

WELL, I'M JUST TELLING YOU.

SO YOU DECIDED TO COME TO IRELAND

AND RUIN OUR PEACE AND QUIET.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MUCH PEACE AND QUIET SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE.

WELL, NORMALLY, IT'S MUCH QUIETER THAN THIS, MR. WOODS.

Kathleen: YEAH, AND ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT OTHER THINGS AS WELL.

LIKE I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

YEAH.

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU?

NOT ONE WORD.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHERE WE'RE GOING?

DO YOU?

UH, PROBLEM.

LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO SWING AROUND IT.

JUST LIKE THAT?

UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

IS THAT NECESSARY?

I'VE DONE SOME CLIMBING, YOU KNOW.

MOUNTAIN OR SOCIAL?

GIVE US THE ROPE THERE, MR. WOODS.

I'LL TIE IT OFF SOMEWHERE UP THERE.

IT WILL BE

A HUMAN-SIZE KNOT, WON'T IT, MICKEY?

HELLO, DON'T LOOK DOWN.

(gasps)

Mickey: THAT'S IT. YOU'RE DOING FINE THERE.

YEAH, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU FLYBOYS TO SAY.

WOULD YOU STOP SHAKING THE ROPE!

THAT'S NOT THE ROPE. THAT'S ME.

(deep rumbling)

Mickey: QUICK! CRAWL UNDER THIS LEDGE.

(screams)

(grunts)

I GOT YOU!

WE'VE GOT TO HELP THEM.

(grunting)

THANK YOU, MICKEY AND JESSICA.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

THAT'S FINE.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN FAIRIES

AND LEPRECHAUNS WORK TOGETHER.

YEAH.

OH, THAT'S OKAY, KATHLEEN.

NO THANKS NECESSARY.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO THANK YOU.

OH. OH, WELL, OKAY.

THANK YOU.

WHAT? THAT'S IT?

JUST THANK YOU?

NO SMALL GIFT?

NO OFFER OF ADOPTION?

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(chuckles)

VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OKAY, I'LL TAKE "VERY MUCH" FOR A START.

AND DON'T MAKE ANYTHING OF THAT.

NOTHING GETS TO A LADY'S HEART QUICKER

THAN SAVING HER FROM FALLING TO HER DEATH.

YEAH, I'VE GOT HER RIGHT WHERE SHE WANTS ME.

THAT'S THE ENTRANCE THERE.

IT'S TINY.

WE'LL NEVER GET THROUGH THERE.

OKAY, I'LL GO BY MYSELF.

I'LL DEAL WITH THE GRAND BANSHEE.

AND ME.

NO, JESSICA, IT MIGHT BE DANGEROUS.

MICKEY, WE DO THIS TOGETHER

SO SHE CAN SEE THAT BOTH SIDES WANT PEACE.

IT MAKES SENSE, MICKEY.

I KNOW, BUT LEPRECHAUNS HAVE NO SENSE.

JESSICA...

I'M COMING WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

JESSICA.

IT'S A TROJAN!

FERGUS FLYNN, ESQUIRE.

THE FIERY CHANGELING

OF MOONSTONE MOUNTAIN, IF YOU PLEASE.

THE ONE AND ONLY GUARDIAN

OF THE CAVE OF THE HIGH COUNSELOR.

KILLER OF CATTLE

DESTROYER OF TOWNS

AND GENERAL ALL-AROUND GOODFELLA.

WE WANT TO SEE THE GRAND BANSHEE.

HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT?

Mickey: NO.

WE DIDN'T KNOW WE NEEDED ONE.

WELL, YOU DO.

SO HOW DO WE GET ONE?

FROM THE GRAND BANSHEE.

OH, TO SEE THE GRAND BANSHEE

WE HAVE TO GET AN APPOINTMENT.

FROM THE GRAND BANSHEE.

NOT EASY, IS IT?

HMM.

"HMM"? WHAT DOES "HMM" MEAN?

IT MEANS I KNOW A BAG OF HOT AIR WHEN I SEE ONE.

YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

I'LL SQUASH YOU FLAT.

YOU'RE NOT BIG ENOUGH.

STILL THINK I'M NOT BIG ENOUGH?

WELL, YOU'RE BIG, FLYNN

BUT YOU'RE STILL NOTHING.

NOW! GO!

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

IT'S CHEATING!

WHOA!

(Fergus roaring)

UH-OH.

Fergus: OH, DEAR.

(whooshing and chirping)

FUNNY-LOOKING FELLAS.

CAN WE HELP YOU?

WE'VE COME TO SEE THE GRAND BANSHEE.

HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT?

DO WE NEED ONE?

NO, BUT YOU CAN'T SEE HER WITHOUT ONE.

Jessica: HOW DO WE GET ONE?

ASK THE GRAND BANSHEE?

OH, YOU KNOW THAT ROUTINE.

FROM THE FIERY FOOL AT THE ENTRANCE.

YES, YOU JUST CAN'T GET THE STAFF NOWADAYS.

WILL YOU CALL HER?

PLEASE?!

OH-HOO, THE "PL" WORD.

WE DON'T HEAR THAT AROUND HERE VERY OFTEN, DO WE?

NO, WE DON'T.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.

AH, LOOK, YOU'RE IN LUCK.

WE'VE HAD A CANCELLATION.

THE GRAND BANSHEE CAN SEE YOU NOW.

AH. WELCOME TO THE HOTEL SPLENDIDE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

NO, THANK YOU.

WE'RE HERE TO...

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

WHY ARE YOU LIVING IN A HOTEL?

BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THE ROOM SERVICE.

Mickey: GRAND BANSHEE

WE CAME HERE TO ASK YOU TO STOP THIS WAR.

WE STARTED IT, MICKEY AND ME.

WE'RE IN LOVE, BUT OUR FAMILIES DON'T APPROVE.

WELL, IT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU

TO COME AND TRY TO TAKE ALL THE BLAME ON YOURSELVES

BUT I KNOW THERE ARE OTHER REASONS.

WELL, PERHAPS, BUT PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT.

EVERYTHING IS BEING DESTROYED.

Mickey: CAN'T YOU STOP IT, GRAND BANSHEE?

NO. NO, I CAN'T.

WELL, WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP PEOPLE DOING

WHAT THEY REALLY WANT TO DO.

AND I WARNED THEM AND I WARNED YOU

BUT NOBODY LISTENED.

I TOOK AWAY THEIR IMMORTALITY, AND STILL NOBODY PAID

A BIT OF ATTENTION.

BUT IF THIS WAR CARRIES ON

THEN THERE'LL BE NO FAIRIES LEFT IN IRELAND.

IF THIS WAR CARRIES ON

AND THEY DON'T TAKE CARE OF NATURE

THERE'LL BE NO IRELAND OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER.

COME, LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

FROM HERE I CAN SEE MOTHER NATURE HERSELF.

Mickey: OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

EXCEPT THAT HER LEAVES ARE USUALLY GREEN AND GROWING

AS THEY HAVE BEEN FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Jessica: AND NOW THEY'RE BROWN AND FALLING.

BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN NEGLECTED.

WHEN THE LAST LEAF FALLS

FROM THE TREE

ALL GROWTH AND ALL THINGS WILL END.

CAN WE STOP IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HER LOOK LIKE THIS.

PERHAPS IF WE COULD STOP THE FIGHTING

MAYBE IT'S TOO LATE.

Jessica: HOW LONG DO YOU THINK WE'VE GOT?

NOT LONG.

WHAT ABOUT US?

WHAT ABOUT US?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WHAT? I CANNOT TRUST YOU ANYMORE.

AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

NO, IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT, KATHLEEN.

YOU KNOW I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

SO YOU SAY.

LISTEN TO ME.

I HAVE GIVEN UP EVERYTHING BECAUSE I WANT TO STAY HERE.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

WELL, I'M NOT STOPPING YOU.

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU ARE.

GET OUT.

SORRY. THAT WAS HIM.

STOP THAT.

SORRY.

SIR! SIR! WHERE'S

MICKEY AND PRINCESS JESSICA?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY'RE STILL MISSING.

WHAT'S YOUR ORDERS?

OH, UH... WELL, I SUPPOSE

I HAVE TO DO THE HONORABLE THING

AND RESCUE MY WIFE.

WE'LL ATTACK.

GREAT.

THEY MIGHT TORTURE HER IF WE ATTACK.

YOU'RE A GOOD LAD, JERICHO

BUT YOU CAN'T CHEER ME UP THAT EASILY.

COME ON.

THE FOOLS ARE TRYING TO BREAK IN. IMPOSSIBLE!

YOU'D BETTER LEARN TO FLY IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ME ON!

RIGHT, MY OAKSHEE FRIENDS.

DO YOUR BEST.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LAD.

BRACE YOURSELF.

I AM BRACED, YOU FOOL.

FIRE!

MARQUIS!

GUARDS!

JERICHO!

RETREAT.

RETREAT!

ALL THAT WE DID WAS FALL IN LOVE.

IT WAS ENOUGH TO SET THEM

AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

THERE ARE HARDLY ANY LEAVES LEFT.

THE THORN TREE.

EVIL THINGS SIT ON THOSE TWISTED BRANCHES.

THEY SAY THAT LOVERS WHO LEAN AGAINST THE THORN TREE

LOSE THEIR LOVE FOREVER.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY LOVE.

NO, NO, NOR DO I, BUT...

BUT IF WE... IF WE STOPPED

CARING SO MUCH ABOUT EACH OTHER

MAYBE WE COULD RETURN TO OUR FAMILIES

AND, AND THEY'D MAKE PEACE.

MICKEY...

ARE YOU SURE?

NO, NO, I'M NOT

BUT SHOULDN'T WE AT LEAST TRY?

YES.

SO, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

ALL RIGHT.

AND HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?

ALL RIGHT.

HOW DO... HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?

ALL RIGHT.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN.

YES. YES, IT IS.

SO, TO TEST IT--

TO MAKE SURE IT'S ALL OVER--

IT'S ALL FINISHED BETWEEN US--

IF I WERE TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE KISS

LIKE THIS... YOU FEEL...?

NOTHING.

OH, RIGHT.

AND, WELL, IF I WAS TO KISS YOU BACK...

LIKE THIS...?

NOT A THING.

GOOD. YEAH.

SAME HERE.

AND IF... IF I WERE TO...

TO HOLD ONTO YOU LIKE THIS...?

AND IF I... I WERE TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU

LIKE... LIKE THIS...?

MAYBE A LITTLE TREMOR THERE.

JUST A LITTLE ONE.

YOU'RE RICH, BOYS!

YOU'RE RICH!

TIME TO GET THE GOLD I PROMISED YOU.

LADS. LADS!

I FOUND SOMETHING.

(all laughing)

SEAMUS, WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING?

DID YOU WIN?

IT WAS A GLORIOUS DRAW.

SO, DOES THAT

MEAN PEACE?

NEVER.

TOTAL VICTORY OR NOTHING.

IF YOU DON'T MAKE PEACE

THERE'LL BE NOTHING LEFT TO FIGHT OVER.

BUT THE TROOPING FOOLS WILL HAVE TO AGREE TO PEACE, AS WELL.

THEY'LL NEVER

DO THAT SO LONG AS THEY THINK

THAT MICKEY HAS SPIRITED JESSICA WAY.

THEN WE'LL HAVE TO GET THEM TO EXPLAIN.

WHERE COULD THEY HAVE GONE, SEAMUS?

OH, PROBABLY THE SWAMP.

THAT'S NEUTRAL TERRITORY.

THE SWAMP.

YOU KNOW THE WAY

THERE, DO YOU?

I KNOW THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION

BUT IS THERE REAL GOLD?

HAH!

I TOLD YOU

THERE'S MORE, THERE'S MORE!

THERE'S ONE THERE.

WHERE? THERE'S ONE OVER BY THE TREES.

KEEP GOING.

Boric: AND YOU GIVE US YOUR WORD THAT YOU WON'T TRY TO ESCAPE?

Mary: OF COURSE I WON'T.

AND EVEN IF I DID, WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME?

THIS IS A VERY BARE-LOOKING ROOM, YOUR MAJESTY.

YOU COULD DO WONDERS

WITH A FEW FLOWERS AND SOME SCATTER CUSHIONS

AND MAYBE A SMALL SOFA.

SIRE? SIRE?

I THINK YOU SHOULD COME

AND SEE WHAT PROGRESS WE HAVE MADE.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

WHAT IS THAT

IDIOT BULSTRODE DOING NOW?

HE'S DIGGING A TUNNEL UNDER THE PALACE.

DIGGING A TUNNEL TO GET OUT?

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

WE'RE BESIEGING YOU.

WE SHOULD BE DIGGING A TUNNEL TO GET IN.

THAT'S WHAT I KEEP SAYING

BUT THEY WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

THEY NEVER DO.

AND THEY'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY DAUGHTER.

POOR, SWEET JESSICA...

UNDER THAT LEPRECHAUN'S SPELL!

I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

MICKEY HAS BEEN BEWITCHED BY A CHIT OF A GIRL.

OF COURSE, YOU WOULD SAY THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?

IT'S TYPICAL, DOUBLE-DEALING LEPRECHAUN BEHAVIOR.

DOUBLE-DEALING, IS IT?

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME.

I WON'T LISTEN TO SOMEONE

WHOSE IDEA OF HAVING A WASH

IS TO STAND OUTSIDE AND WAIT FOR THE RAIN.

AND I WON'T LISTEN TO SOMEONE

WHOSE ONLY IDEA OF A FRIEND CAN BE FOUND IN A MIRROR.

OUR ENGINEERS ARE WORKING

ON THE TUNNEL NIGHT AND DAY.

AND IT HAD TO BE IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE BALLROOM, DID IT?

YES, SIRE.

IT'S A DIRECT LINE BETWEEN HERE AND THERE.

HAS THE QUEEN SEEN WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THE FLOOR?

NOT YET.

WELL, MAKE SURE I'M THERE WHEN SHE DOES, WILL YOU?

CERTAINLY.

COME, SIRE.

I'M NOT GOING DOWN THERE.

NOT HERE.

OUTSIDE, TO SEE THE REBEL CAMP.

WE'RE DIGGING A TUNNEL UNDER THAT FIELD

AND UNDER THEIR CAMP.

Boric: THEY'LL BE SURPRISED

WHEN WE POP UP BEHIND THEM.

IF THE TUNNEL DOESN'T COLLAPSE.

GOOD POINT.

OH, THAT'S A FIRST.

I MADE A GOOD POINT.

SEE IT DOESN'T, BULSTRODE.

THAT'S ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF, SIRE.

I'VE GIVEN STRICT ORDERS TO IT THAT IT'S NOT TO COLLAPSE.

OH, THAT'LL WORK, THEN.

WE CAN ALL SLEEP EASY IN OUR BEDS TONIGHT.

AH!

AND ENGLISH BUTTER TO BOOT.

THIS PUTS

A WHOLE DIFFERENT COMPLEXION ON THE MATTER.

BUTTER CHANGES EVERYTHING.

I HAD A FEELING

IT MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, UNCLE.

BUT WE HAVEN'T COME HERE FOR SANCTUARY.

WE WANT YOUR ADVICE.

REALLY? WHY ME, LAD?

THIS SITUATION NEEDS SOMEONE WHO'S CLEVER

DEVIOUS, SLIPPERY AND CROOKED.

SOMEONE WHO CAN SEE AROUND CORNERS.

FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYTHING.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WE WANT TO PUT A STOP TO THIS WAR

BRING OUR FAMILIES TOGETHER.

IT'LL HAVE TO BE SOMETHING

REALLY SPECTACULAR AND SHOCKING.

HMM.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT

OF DYING AT ALL?

WELL... WELL, IF...

IF YOU THINK THAT IT MIGHT

REALLY HELP, THEN...

NO, I DON'T MEAN FOR REAL.

THAT MIGHT SUCCEED

BUT YOU WOULDN'T BE THERE TO ENJOY IT.

THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE POINT OF THE EXERCISE.

NO, IF YOUR FAMILIES THOUGHT YOU'D GO THAT FAR

RATHER THAN BE PARTED

THAT WOULD DO THE TRICK JUST AS WELL.

IT MIGHT.

BUT... BUT HOW COULD IT WORK?

FOLLOW YOUR UNCLE JENTEE.

THIS...

IS POISON.

WELL, LET'S SAY, IT ACTS LIKE POISON.

DRINK IT, BLOOD STOPS, YOU GO INTO A COMA.

OF COURSE, A LOT OF PEOPLE I KNOW ARE IN A COMA

WITHOUT DRINKING THIS-- NO NAMES.

NO PATRIAL.

ANYWAY, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES

THAT'S IT.

NOW, THIS...

IS THE ANTIDOTE.

DRINK IT...

AND YOU'LL BE FINE

PROVIDED YOU DRINK IT

WITHIN TEN MINUTES

OF TAKING THE POISON.

IF YOU DON'T...

NO MORE CRICKET ON THE GREEN.

NO MORE WARM BEER.

NO MORE BUTTER.

MICKEY!

JESSICA!

Kathleen: JESSICA!

MICKEY!

THERE.

Jessica: KATHLEEN.

HEY, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE SAFE.

YOU HAVE TO COME BACK AND EXPLAIN.

THEY THINK YOU'RE UNDER SOME MAGIC SPELL.

WE ARE. WE'RE IN LOVE.

WE HAVE A PLAN.

LISTEN.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH, IF YOU THINK IT'LL WORK.

THEY'LL NEED TIME TO PREPARE THOUGH.

GOOD LUCK, MR. WOODS.

Mickey: GOOD LUCK.

GOOD LUCK, JACK.

LOOK.

(thunder rumbling)

(cracking)

(wind whistling)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(frightened grunting)

(grunts)

YOU REALLY SHOULD WATCH

WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MR. WOODS.

YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

COURSE.

I'M THE GRAND BANSHEE.

YOU'RE THE GRAND BANSHEE?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK SO SURPRISED.

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING--

TWO HEADS, FIRE BREATHING?

I COULD DO THAT, TOO.

(laughing): NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

I'D LIKE THIS WAR TO END AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD.

YEAH?

(chuckles)

WE HAVE A PLAN.

I KNOW.

YOU DO?

I'M ALL-SEEING.

THAT'S WHY I PLUCKED YOU

OUT OF THE TWISTER.

OH.

WELL...

THANKS.

WELL... YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO, WILL IT WORK?

YOUR PLAN?

YEAH.

I'M... ALL-SEEING.

THAT'S A LITTLE VAGUE.

WELL, I'M NOT A FORTUNE TELLER, AM I?

GOOD DAY.

OH, SO, YOU WOULDN'T... YOU WOULDN'T KNOW

BY ANY CHANCE, IF KATHLEEN AND I WERE...

(squawking)

WHOA.

AAH... TROOPERS.

(chuckling)

Jack: SEAMUS?

SEAMUS.

Seamus: OH, JACK.

OH, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'VE DECIDED

TO JOIN THE SIDE OF RIGHT AND JUSTICE.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU... ALONE.

LISTEN, SEAMUS...

YOU GOT TO CALL A PEACE CONFERENCE HERE NOW.

WHAT?

MICKEY AND PRINCESS JESSICA--

THEY BELIEVE THAT THEIR LOVE IS THE REASON

FOR ALL THIS FIGHTING.

THEY'D RATHER DIE THAN BE PARTED.

THEY WOULDN'T.

OH, THEY WOULD

AND THEY WILL, UNLESS YOU GET IN TOUCH

WITH KING BORIC AND AT LEAST TALK.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T.

I JUST CAN'T.

I HAVE MY PRIDE.

WHAT'S THAT AGAINST YOUR SON'S LIFE, SEAMUS?

Boric: THE WHITE FLAG?

WHAT THE DEVIL DOES HE WANT?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

AND MY MICKEY?

UH, TOGETHER

UNLESS BOTH SIDES MEET AND TALK.

Boric: I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

Morag: I BELIEVE IT.

SHE WOULDN'T DO IT.

SHE WOULD!

SHE'S IN LOVE!

MULDOON WOULDN'T THINK UP THAT TRICK

JUST TO GET YOU TALKING.

AYE, HE ONLY WANTS US TO TALK.

IF WE DON'T TALK, AND THE TWO OF THEM DO IT...

WELL, OF COURSE, WE'LL TALK.

BORIC!

THEY HAVE A HUMAN TO FIGHT FOR THEM.

DON'T WORRY.

THEY'RE DOCILE

SO LONG AS YOU DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.

AND WHERE IS BULSTRODE?

UNDERGROUND, STILL DIGGING.

Boric: BEST PLACE FOR HIM.

AND WHO'S THIS?

A NEUTRAL.

HE'S HERE AS AN OBSERVER.

I'M NOT FIGHTING.

IT WOULDN'T MATTER TO US IF YOU DID.

CHAMBERLAIN.

Chamberlain: ON BEHALF OF KING BORIC

AND THE TROOPING FAIRIES

WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO SAY "HELLO" TO YOUR WIFE.

HELLO.

NOW, LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY

YOU HALF-GUTTED MACKEREL?

THE MAN ASKED ME IF I'D LIKE TO SAY "HELLO"

AND I HAVE SAID "HELLO."

NOW, LET'S GET ON WITH THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

I AM SEAMUS MULDOON

WHOSE CLAN WERE THE LORDS OF OFFALY

1,000 YEARS BEFORE HIS ANCIENT MAJESTY HERE

WAS EVEN BORN.

Boric: MY CLAN STRETCHES BACK

TO BEFORE A LEPRECHAUN HAD EVEN THOUGHT

OF BUILDING

A MUD HUT.

(cheering and applause)

WE'RE NOT HERE TO PROVE WHOSE FAMILY'S THE OLDEST.

WE'RE HERE TO MAKE PEACE FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE.

Seamus: "PEACE"?

WHAT PEACE?

THESE TROOPING FAIRIES KILLED SEAN DEVINE

AND DROVE MY SON INTO EXILE!

Boric: THESE LEPRECHAUNS

HAVE KIDNAPPED MY DAUGHTER, JESSICA

CAST A SPELL ON HER

AND KILLED MY NEPHEW, COUNT GROGAN.

WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

Seamus: WELL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE IS.

SHE... ENTICED MY SON AWAY FROM HIS DUTY

WITH HER FEMALE MAGIC.

THAT'S RIGHT. YES, SHE DID.

(muttering)

(all yelling)

WE'RE HERE TO MAKE PEACE.

(shouting continuing)

OKAY.

IT MUST BE

WITHIN TEN MINUTES.

YES, I KNOW.

DON'T WORRY.

OVER HERE!

OVER HERE, QUICKLY!

HURRY, TAKE THEM TO THEIR PARENTS!

HURRY!

(warriors shouting)

RIGHT THERE!

WOULD YOU BELIEVE THIS?

WITH OUR HUSBANDS IN CHARGE?

YES. YES.

JESSICA!

MICKEY!

(sobbing)

THEY TOOK A POTION.

NO!

I WARNED YOU.

THEY THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE THE REASON FOR THIS WAR.

THEY THOUGHT THIS WAY IT WOULD END.

YOU CAN'T LET THEIR SACRIFICE BE IN VAIN.

END THIS WAR NOW.

(whispering): THERE MUST BE A PEACE TREATY.

Jack: LATER.

RIGHT NOW

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

SHAKE HANDS OVER THE BODIES OF YOUR CHILDREN.

"SHAKE HANDS"?

A HANDSHAKE BETWEEN GENTLEMEN

IS MORE BINDING THAN ANY TREATY IN THE WORLD.

AH, THAT'S TRUE.

DO IT.

SHAKE HANDS!

NOW, BORIC!

(clears throat)

(horse nickering)

(grunts)

(whinnying)

WHERE'S JACK?

WON'T SOMEONE HELP?

SOMEONE HELP, PLEASE!

JACK?

JACK, I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF IT.

(sobbing)

I LOVE YOU, JACK.

(clamoring)

COME ON, MEN, WE'RE THERE!

YOU'RE NOWHERE, YOU BLUNDERING FOOL!

IT'S HAPPENING.

NO!

WHY WON'T SHE SAVE

OUR CHILDREN?!

SAVE THEM. YOU MUST!

BRING THEM BACK TO US.

AND JACK. SAVE JACK.

I CAN'T SAVE JACK.

HE DOESN'T NEED IT.

HE'S ONLY WINDED.

WHAT?

JACK...

JACK?

JACK!

(laughing)

AH, BUT MICKEY AND JESSICA, THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

THEY'RE NOT SO EASILY SAVED.

BUT THAT'S WHAT COMES FROM STUPID WAR.

BUT IT'S OVER.

THEY... THEY SHOOK HANDS.

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO

UNLESS, OF COURSE

YOU REALLY WANT PEACE IN YOUR HEARTS.

GENTLEMEN'S AGREEMENT--

NO MORE WAR.

NEVER AGAIN!

Bulstrode: DON'T SAY THAT, SIRE!

I'D BE OUT OF WORK!

UNLESS EVERYONE WANTS PEACE.

WE DO!

WE DO! WE DO!

BULSTRODE!

OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN.

(cheering)

LOOK! OH...

JESSICA...

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

SEAN!

SEAN!

SEAN HOW'S IT GOING, LADS?

I MUST HAVE FELL ASLEEP.

I HAD A FEW, AND I WAS DEAD TIRED.

YEAH, YOU WERE DEAD, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S GOING ON, GRAND BANSHEE?

IT'S A SURPRISE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD BRING THEM BACK LIKE THAT.

WELL, IF YOU KNEW, IT WOULDN'T BE A SURPRISE

NOW, WOULD IT?

(laughing)

WHERE IS COUNT GROGAN?

OH, I'LL BE KEEPING HIM FOR THE NEXT 100 YEARS OR SO

JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

GOOD THINKING, GRAND BANSHEE.

WIFE'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

UH, HOW ABOUT A DRINK BEFORE YOU GO?

OH, NO, I COULDN'T.

OH, YES, I COULD.

SAVE ME A BRANCH; I'LL BE BACK.

DRINKS ALL AROUND!

ON ME!

(cheers) GREAT IDEA.

NOTHING.

NOTHING!

HEY, YOU!

YOU SCURVY KNICK-KNOCKER!

THERE'S NO POTS HERE!

THERE'S NO GOLD.

HE CHEATED US!

YOU AND THAT... TODDLIN' TRIPE

CALLED MULDOON.

SOMEBODY CALL?

THERE HE IS, LADS.

NOW, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

GOLD IS THERE.

JUST HAVEN'T DUG IN THE RIGHT PLACES.

WE'VE DUG EVERY PLACE.

YOU HAVEN'T DUG...

THERE.

THAT LOOKS GOOD.

(rumbling)

WHAT'S HAPPENING, LADS?

WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!

YES, BOYS, YOU'RE RICH! YOU'RE RICH!

I WANT TO GET MARRIED HERE IN IRELAND.

I HAVEN'T ASKED YOU YET.

WERE YOU GOING TO?

MAYBE.

ALL THE WORDS IN THE WORLD

WON'T MAKE A MARRIAGE BINDING.

ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU

MAN AND WIFE.

♪ I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CERTAIN ♪

♪ THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM ♪

♪ THOUGH THE HEAVENS STOP TURNING ♪

♪ I'LL BE HOLDING ONTO OUR DREAM ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY ♪

? FLY AWAY...? DRINK UP, BULSTRODE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NO MORE WARS.

AW, WRITE YOUR MEMOIRS.

"HOW I SAVED THE WORLD AND OTHER FAIRY STORIES."

YES. YES, THAT'S A MARVELOUS IDEA.

♪ ...YOU HEARD MY WORD, MY HOPE, MY CALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER ♪

♪ YOU GAVE YOUR HAND, YOUR HEART, YOUR ALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER IT ALL ♪

♪ IN A MAGICAL MOMENT ♪

♪ YOU REACHED OUT AND TOUCHED THE REAL ME ♪

♪ NOW THERE'S NO STONE BEFORE US ♪

♪ AS STRONG AS THE LOVE WE BOTH FEEL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY, FLY AWAY ♪

♪ IF WE GIVE OUR LOVE, LOVE WILL COME OUR WAY ♪

♪ FLY AWAY, FLY AWAY ♪

♪ FROM THE DARKNESS TO THE SUN, LET OUR SPIRITS BE AS ONE ♪

♪ YOU HEARD MY WORD, MY HOPE, MY CALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER ♪

♪ YOU GAVE YOUR HAND, YOUR HEART, YOUR ALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER IT ALL ♪

♪ FLY AWAY OVER... ♪

IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I CAN SEE IT NOW.

I CAN.

IT'S THE SECOND MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

♪ ...FLY AWAY, FLY AWAY ♪

♪ IF WE GIVE OUR LOVE, LOVE WILL COME OUR WAY ♪

♪ FLY AWAY, FLY AWAY ♪

♪ FROM THE DARKNESS TO THE SUN, LET OUR SPIRITS BE AS ONE ♪

♪ YOU HEARD MY WORD, MY HOPE, MY CALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER ♪

♪ YOU GAVE YOUR HAND, YOUR HEART, YOUR ALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER IT ALL ♪

♪ YOU HEARD MY WORD, MY HOPE, MY CALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER IT ALL ♪

♪ YOU GAVE YOUR HAND, YOUR HEART, YOUR ALL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER IT ALL... ♪