Original subtitles

(muted whispering)

(beeps)

THIS'LL BE MY FIRST CHANCE TO GET OUT OF NEW YORK

IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.

IT'S NOT A VACATION, JACK, OKAY?

IT JUST HAS TO LOOK THAT WAY.

YOU'RE THERE TO DO A JOB FOR US.

I KNOW THAT.

IRELAND WOULD BE A PERFECT SITE FOR US.

THE COMPANY'S GOT A LOT INVESTED IN THIS PROJECT.

SO HAVE I.

EXACTLY.

SO DON'T SCREW UP.

(birds singing)

SO, WAS IT A GOOD TRIP, MR. WOODS?

YEAH, YEAH, IT WAS FINE, THANKS.

NOT TOO MUCH OF THE OLD TURBULENCE, THEN?

NO.

ON THE AIRPLANE?

NO, IT WAS, UH... IT WAS OKAY.

IT WAS OKAY? WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

MUST BE A TERRIBLE THING TO BE BOUNCED ABOUT LIKE THAT.

DON'T YOU HAVE A CAR?

OH, YES, A FINE ONE.

BUT, UH, I DON'T USE IT SO MUCH

SINCE THE FITZPATRICK BROTHERS GOT THEIR VAN FIXED.

THE TRAFFIC'S BEEN TOO BAD.

WHOA, YEAH...

HERE WE GO.

THERE.

WOW.

THAT'S "WOW," YES?

YOU HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS THERE, MR. WOODS.

YOU'LL NOT SEE ANYTHING FINER IN THE WHOLE OF KERRY.

(thumping)

(groaning)

MIND THE BEAM.

BOY, THIS HOUSE WAS BUILT

FOR LITTLE PEOPLE.

NO! NO! IT'S NOT!

(chuckling): NOT AT ALL.

WELL, IT'S PERFECT, JUST EXACTLY WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

GOOD! GOOD...

(chuckling)

YOU-YOU HERE FOR A LITTLE OF THE OLD REST

AND RECUPERATION, YOU WERE SAYING.

YEAH, YEAH, A LITTLE REST, DO A LITTLE FISHING, MAYBE.

AH, WELL, WE HAVE SALMON THE SIZE OF DOLPHINS

AND TROUT THAT'LL JUMP RIGHT INTO YOUR PAN

WITH A PAT OF BUTTER ALREADY MELTED IN THEIR MOUTHS.

(chuckling)

HOW DO THE, UH, THE LIGHTS WORK?

WE HAVE OIL LAMPS IN ALL THE ROOMS.

OH.

WHAT, THERE'S NO ELECTRICITY?

NO...

TOO FAR TO CARRY IT.

AND THE STOVE, IS THAT, UH...

IS THAT OIL, TOO?

EH, THAT BURNS PEAT.

STRAIGHT FROM THE BOG, DRIED AND MAKES A POWERFUL FIRE.

SO TO COOK, I HAVE TO... SET FIRE TO DIRT?

AND YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO USE ANYTHING ELSE.

WILL YOU BE TAKING THE LET?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GETTING IT SO CHEAPLY.

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NOT SOMETHING

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME ABOUT THIS PLACE?

NO, NO, IT'S JUST THAT LETTING'S A BIT SLOW

AT THIS TIME OF YEAR

WHAT WITH IT BEING THE, UH, SUMMER AND ALL.

AND HERE TO CELEBRATE YOUR NEW HOME

IS A TRADITIONAL HOUSEWARMING GIFT FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

IRISH POTEEN, THE FINEST.

WHAT IS IT, LIKE-LIKE WHISKEY?

A WEE TOUCH STRONGER, MAYBE.

WHOA...

BEST NOT DRUNK CLOSE TO A FLAME

AND TRY NOT TO LET IT TOUCH YOUR GUMS ON THE WAY DOWN.

(laughing)

I'LL JUST STICK IT IN THE HOUSE FOR LATER.

NO, NO, NO!

I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU, NOW.

LET ME DO IT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT.

IT'S STUCK.

EH-EH-EH, LET ME TRY, NOW.

THESE OLD DOORS CAN SOMETIMES BE A BIT TRICKY.

(grunting)

(groaning)

WHAT WAS THAT?

JUST MICE.

IT'LL, UH...

IT'LL BE SAFE THERE, NOW...

UH, FOR YOUR RETURN.

(grunting)

(birds singing)

(loud splashing)

(yelling)

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?

GET OUT OF HERE!

COME ON, NOW, YOU-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND WELL ENOUGH: PEEPING TOM!

NO... NO!

COME ON, I WAS JUST WALKING BY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE

THAT YOU WERE... OW!

I'M SORRY, OKAY?

YOU'LL BE SORRIER WHEN MY BROTHERS

GET HOLD OF YOU!

OW!

OH...

I'LL KNOW YOU WHEN I SEE YOU AGAIN.

OH, NO...

I'VE SEEN YOUR FACE!

OH!

POTEEN...?

THAT'S STRANGE.

(cork squeaking)

(popping)

OKAY...

(sighing)

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

TO IRELAND.

(yells)

(coughs)

(grunting)

(hyperventilating)

WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE OF?

POTATOES, IGNORAMUS.

POTATOES?

HOW...?

(grunting)

AAH!

(grunting)

(birds singing)

(groaning)

OW.

OH, NOT ANOTHER DROP.

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

(snoring)

EH! OH! HEY!

AAH! AAH!

(creaking)

(splashing)

HELP! HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HANG ON!

I GOT YA!

HANG ON!

AAH!

OHH!

HEY! WAIT UP!

OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT.

COME OUT, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO COME IN THERE...

OKAY, I'M COMING IN.

HERE I COME!

I'M COMING IN NOW.

(hinge creaking)

I'M IN.

I KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

I CAN SEE YOU DRIPPING.

(groans)

YOU'RE...

YOU'RE A...

A LEPRECHAUN.

(gasping)

A WET LEPRECHAUN.

(huffing)

LEADER OF THE KERRY LEPRECHAUNS.

SEAMUS MULDOON AT YOUR WET SERVICE.

Woman: WHAT IN THE GRAND BANSHEE'S NAME

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

YOU'RE BLOWING IT.

I'M TALKING TO YOUR MAN.

ARE YOU MAD AS WELL AS STUPID?

I HAVE TO.

HE SAVED ME.

HE SAVED YOU?

GALLANTLY, I'D HAVE TO SAY...

WITHOUT A THOUGHT FOR HIMSELF.

YOU WERE DRUNK.

OF COURSE I WAS DRUNK.

WHEW!

I HATE WATER!

JUST CALM DOWN, JACK.

(panting)

GET A GRIP.

IT'S JUST JET LAG.

AND YOU LET HIM SAVE YOU?

I DIDN'T ASK HIM, MARY.

HE JUST DID IT. THAT'S NO EXCUSE.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD THE DECENCY TO DROWN.

HANGOVER?

BUMP ON THE HEAD?

YOU'RE FINE.

I'M MARY MULDOON.

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!

SEAMUS' WIFE FOR MY SINS

OF WHICH THERE MUST HAVE BEEN HUNDREDS

TO HAVE SUCH A TERRIBLE FATE.

THEY SAY THAT MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE ONES.

IT ONLY SEEMS LIKE THAT.

WE'RE IN YOUR DEBT NOW, MR. WOODS.

YOU ARE?

WHEN A MORTAL SAVES A LEPRECHAUN

THEN THAT LEPRECHAUN IS IN HIS DEBT

FOREVER AND A DAY.

WE'RE PRETTY MUCH IMMORTAL

EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO WATER.

(sighs)

IF YOU FALL IN

HMM...

BUT, OF COURSE, YOU SAVED ME.

WELL, HEY... FORGET ABOUT IT.

CAN'T DO THAT.

MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO.

I'D BETTER GO SIT DOWN.

YOU'RE SOAKING WET.

I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU CAN GET PNEUMONIA.

AAH.

OH, UH...

YOU SHOULD MEET MY SON, MICKEY.

MICKEY! SHOW YOURSELF.

HELLO, THERE.

OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

MICKEY, THIS IS MR. JACK WOODS.

HELLO, MR. WOODS.

TELL ME SOMETHING:

ARE ANY MORE OF YOU JUST GOING TO, YOU KNOW... PFFT?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S JUST THE MULDOON FAMILY HERE AT THE COTTAGE.

COURSE THERE'S THOUSANDS OF LEPRECHAUNS

AND OTHER SOLITARIES ALL AROUND THESE PARTS.

ALL FUN-LOVING PEOPLE FULL OF PEP AND VIGOR.

AND BOOZE, GIVEN HALF THE CHANCE.

(sighs)

HERE'S YOUR TOWEL, MR. WOODS.

THANKS.

ANYWAY, I'M OFF OUT, MA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, JUST TO DO SOME MISCHIEF.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN.

CAN YOU LEND US

A COUPLE OF GOLD ONES, DAD?

OH, YES, YES, YES. SURE, SURE.

DON'T SQUANDER IT, NOW.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL ONLY SPEND IT ON DRINK AND WOMEN.

OH, I PROMISE.

BYE, MA.

BYE.

GOOD DAY TO YOU, MR. WOODS.

AH, AH.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

THANKS, DA'.

HE'S A... HE'S A FINE BOY.

AND HIM NOT 200 YEARS OLD YET.

OH, HUH.

(bleating)

Man: SO, THIS MR. WOODS, HE'S NOT FROM AROUND HERE, THEN?

NO. FROM HIS ACCENT, I'D SAY HE WAS FROM DUBLIN.

AH, HMM.

OH! EE!

AY!

OH!

WHOA-HEY!

QUICK! QUICK!

GIVE US A DRINK, MICKEY.

THE FLOWERS MAKE ME THIRSTY.

NO, YOU'RE ALWAYS THIRSTY.

ACTUALLY, I'M ALWAYS FALLING OUT OF TREES.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE, SEAN?

I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR COUNT GROGAN.

MAY HIS FAIRY BONES ROT.

I THOUGHT I COULD DROP IN ON HIM, YOU KNOW

QUIET-LIKE FOR A LITTLE FLATTERING.

YOU FLATTER HIM QUITE ENOUGH.

AH, YOUR BROTHER TALKS A GOOD FIGHT, JERICHO.

YEAH, WELL, IF TALKING WAS ALL IT TOOK

HE'D BE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL IRELAND, EH?

AH, IT'S DUNLANG...

THE DULLAHAN!

(neighing)

HOW ARE THINGS IN MUNSTER

DUNLANG?

TOO PEACEFUL.

STAY AROUND HERE NOW. WE'LL STIR THINGS UP FOR YOU.

I WOULD, SEAN

BUT THE GRAND BANSHEE HERSELF

HAS FORBIDDEN US FROM FIGHTING.

AH, WE TAKE NO NOTICE OF THAT.

NONE AT ALL.

AND TODAY'S THE ANNIVERSARY

OF MESELF MEETING THE EXECUTIONER'S AX

AND I'LL BRIGHTEN UP THE SLIGO, CELEBRATE.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING FINE, HONEST, DUNLANG.

THANKS, MICK.

I CAN SEE FROM UP HERE

THERE'S A FEW OTHER DULLAHANS ALREADY ARRIVED.

I'D BEST BE OFF.

GOOD-BYE, LADS.

AND WHEREVER IT IS, OUT OF MISCHIEF.

BYE, DUNLANG!

TAKE CARE NOW.

DUNLANG'S A DOOMY SORT.

HE DOESN'T ENJOY LIFE.

AH, TO BE SURE.

IT'S NOT EASY WITH NO HEAD.

THAT'S A FAIR POINT. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

IT'S COUNT GROGAN--

THE FIRST OF THE FAIRY FOOLS!

MOCK ON, MICKEY MULDOON

YOU AND THAT HAIRY MISTAKE, SEAN DEVINE

MAKE A FINE RAGGEDY-ARSED PAIR.

CLEAR THE PATHS; YOU'RE POLLUTING THE GRASS.

AND WHAT IF WE DON'T?

THEN I'LL HAVE TO MAKE YOU.

YOU AND WHICH PARTICULAR THOUSAND TROOPING FAIRIES

MIGHT THAT BE?

I'LL FLATTEN YOU WITHOUT RAISING A SWEAT.

OH, WE ARE TREMBLING BEFORE SEAN DEVINE--

A POWERFUL MAN WITH A POWERFUL SET OF EYEBROWS.

OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.

(metallic clanking)

SO...

OW!

WHOO!

EASY!

(yelling)

HAVE A LOOK AT THE TIME!

AH, COME ON NOW, GROGAN!

COME ON NOW, CAN'T YOU CATCH A LITTLE TURNIP CART?!

Grogan: NEXT TIME, DEVINE, NEXT TIME!

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE SLEEPWALKING THINGS.

YOU THINK YOU'RE SLEEPING

BUT YOU'RE REALLY AWAKE.

MAYBE I WORKED TOO HARD.

OH, LOOK.

A NORMAL-SIZE PERSON.

HEY, THERE!

WHAT ARE YOU HAULING THERE?

TURNIPS?

GOING TO MARKET?

WELL, I, UH, I GOT TO BE GOING.

CAN'T STAND AROUND HERE ALL DAY TALKING.

HELLO, THERE, MR. WOODS!

HEY, MR. WOODS.

HOW'S IT GOING NOW?

All: ALL RIGHT, THEN.

IT'S REALLY GOOD OF YOU

TO LET US STAY IN THE COTTAGE, JACK.

OOH, SORRY.

DID I STARTLE YOU?

I'M GOING TO STOP DOING THAT.

AH... WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THIS NATURE.

FAR TOO MUCH OF IT, ISN'T THERE?

THOSE TROOPING FAIRIES

HAVE A LOT TO ANSWER FOR.

"TROOPING FAIRIES"?

OH, THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS.

I MEAN, WHY DO THEY HAVE

TO MAKE ALL THESE LITTLE LEAVES, HUH?

MILLIONS OF TEENY-WEENY MEAN THINGS.

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST MAKE A FEW HUGE

GIGANTIC ONES?

THAT WAY, YOU'D HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO WHEN IT RAINED.

YEAH.

YOU TRY TELLING THAT TO A TROOPING FAIRY

(chuckling): OOH...

ABOUT HALF A BRAIN BETWEEN THEM.

SO, YOU, UH... YOU DON'T LIKE THEM?

"LIKE THEM"?

THEY ARE THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE LEPRECHAUN

STUCK UP THERE IN THAT FANCY CASTLE.

ALL OF THEM TOGETHER, HOO.

VERY UNHYGIENIC.

JUST BECAUSE THEY LOOK AFTER NATURE

AND MAKE A FEW FLOWERS GROW

AND GET THE ODD TREE THE RIGHT WAY UP

THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN THE REST OF US. HA!

IF THEY WERE ANY FURTHER UP THEMSELVES

THEY'D BE INSIDE OUT.

THAT LEPRECHAUN RIFFRAFF PELTED YOU WITH TURNIPS?

TURNIPS.

THAT'S WORSE THAN CAULIFLOWERS.

MUCH WORSE.

WELL, IT COULD HAVE BEEN OVERRIPE TOMATOES.

IT JUST SHOWS WHAT THEY'RE CAPABLE OF.

AVOCADOES.

THESE BUNK FAIRIES MUST BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

WHY DON'T WE JUST TALK TO THEM?

TOO MUCH TALKING.

TOO HARD. EXACTLY.

YOU CAN'T CALL THE FAIRIES TO ARMS, YOUR MAJESTY.

THE GRAND BANSHEE HAS DECREED

THERE MUST BE NO MORE FIGHTING.

OH, HER?!

I'M KING HERE, CHAMBERLAIN.

I DO ALL THE DECREEING

FROM NOW UNTIL MICHAELMAS TUESDAY.

YES, OF COURSE, OF COURSE

AND WHEN EXACTLY IS MICHAELMAS TUESDAY, SIRE?

WHENEVER I DECIDE.

JOLLY GOOD, JOLLY GOOD.

WE'LL ALL LOOK FORWARD TO THAT, THEN.

SHE'S HERE! SHE'S HERE!

THE GRAND BANSHEE!

BORIC...

I DECREED THAT ALL FIGHTING

BETWEEN TROOPING AND SOLITARY FAIRIES END.

THERE WAS A BRAWL THIS AFTERNOON.

WELL, IT WASN'T OUR FAULT.

WELL, IT NEVER IS.

SEAN DEVINE AND MICKEY MULDOON

AND THE OTHER SOLITARIES

STARTED THE WHOLE THING.

THEY THREW TURNIPS! HMM.

I KNOW THEY THREW TURNIPS.

I'M ALL-SEEING, REMEMBER?

I ALSO SAW THAT THE COUNT

AND HIS HOTHEADED FRIENDS WERE JUST AS RESPONSIBLE

AS MR. MULDOON.

IT WAS A MATTER OF HONOR.

COUNT GROGAN, YOU DEAL WITH YOUR HONOR, SUCH AS IT IS

IN A PEACEFUL FASHION

FROM NOW ON.

I WILL DEAL WITH MR. MULDOON AND THE OTHERS

AND I GIVE YOU FAIR WARNING.

IF THIS WAR DOES NOT STOP

YOU WILL ALL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING CAMERA

YOU HAVE THERE.

WILL YOU STOP THAT?!

I DID IT AGAIN, DIDN'T I?

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

MAYBE YOU'LL GET USED TO IT IN TIME.

I DON'T THINK SO.

Seamus: AH, THE OLD FITZPATRICK PLACE--

HOME OF THE LOVELY

KATHLEEN.

HEY, UH, SHE DOESN'T... HAVE DARK HAIR

AND FABULOUS GREEN EYES, BY ANY CHANCE.

OH, YEAH, AND A FIGURE THAT'D MAKE A MONK CRY.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, I THINK I SAW HER SWIMMING

DOWN BY THE WATERFALL.

OH, THAT'D BE

KATHLEEN BATHING LIKE A GODDESS.

SOMETIMES THERE'S A BIG ADVANTAGE OF BEING INVISIBLE.

(chuckling)

(shutter clicking)

(shutter clicking)

(Kathleen laughing)

GET IT. GET IT.

GET IT!

(Kathleen growling)

(dog growling)

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

GET IT, GET IT, GET IT.

GO BURY GEORGE'S UNDERPANTS! YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

GO BURY IT.

(shutter clicking)

YOU.

(nervous chuckle)

I'M SORRY. IT'S THE PEEPING TOM!

NO, NO, LOOK... IT'S THE PEEPING TOM!

LOOK, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, OKAY?

I WAS JUST...

Man: WAIT TILL I GET ME HANDS ON YOU!

AW, FORGET IT! WHAT WAS HE DOING TO YOU?

Man: GO AFTER HIM!

WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

(all yelling)

JUST HOLD ON!

HOLD IT!

JUST HOLD ON!

(all yelling)

COME BACK!

OKAY, NOW JUST HOLD ON.

IF THIS IS ABOUT THE OTHER DAY

I CAN EXPLAIN.

(panting)

I GOT LOST AND...

(chuckling)

WELL, IT'S--

IT'S REALLY KIND OF FUNNY, ACTUALLY.

YOU SEE, MY FOOT GOT STUCK AND...

(chuckling)

(men chuckling)

GET HIM.

OH!

DON'T WORRY, NOW, KATHLEEN.

LEAVE HIM TO ME, HUH?

(screams)

REMEMBER THIS.

YOU CAN ALWAYS GET THE LAST WORD IF YOU TALK

TO YOURSELF.

THERE BE MUTTERINGS AGAINST ME IN THE PARISH

THAT I'M TOO OLD.

I'LL NEVER BE TOO OLD-- NOT UNTIL

I'M SIX FEET UNDER.

KATHLEEN FITZPATRICK.

SIT!

AND THAT GOES

FOR YOUR FOUR MUSCLE-BOUND BROTHERS.

NOW THEN

WHERE WAS I?

OH, YES, SIX FEET UNDER.

(grunts)

(laughing)

AND... JOSEPH SHOUTS DOWN TO MARY

"WHATEVER YOU DO

"DON'T LET THE CHILD

TOUCH THE WATER."

(snoring)

SO, IN THE WORDS OF THE GOOD BOOK...

MOHABISMY WATCH POT.

YEA, GO IN PEACE.

THE MASS IS ENDED.

(priest mumbling)

THAT WAS A, UH, VERY INSPIRING

SERMON, FATHER.

OH, YOU THINK SO?

OH, YES.

OH, THANK YOU, MY SON.

INSPIRING, YOU SAY.

YES.

WHICH PARTICULAR BIT?

SOMETIMES I FORGET WHAT I'VE SAID.

WELL, PRETTY MUCH ALL OF IT.

ALL OF IT. OH, GOOD.

GOOD. HEY, WAIT. LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.

I DON'T GET MANY VISITORS THESE DAYS.

I'D BE DELIGHTED.

OH, WELL, GOOD.

RIGHT OVER HERE'S OUR SIDE ALTAR HERE.

(grunting)

I THOUGHT THE FRONT END FELT A LITTLE HEAVY.

OH, SORRY, JACK.

SAY, MULDOON, UM, THAT GIRL

UH, YOU KNOW THE-THE ONE WITH THE, UM...

KATHLEEN.

IS SHE GOING TO BE HERE? OH, NO DOUBT, JACK. NO DOUBT.

SO THIS, UH

KATHLEEN, HUH?

TAKEN A BIT OF A FANCY TO HER, HUH?

OH, WELL, NO, I MEAN, I JUST

DON'T WANT HER WALKING AROUND

THINKING I'M SOME KIND OF A CREEP.

(muttering): HOW ARE YOU?

THAT'D BE THE ONLY REASON

YOU'RE WEARING YOUR BEST SHIRT THEN, JACK.

WHAT, THIS?

THIS ISN'T MY BEST SHIRT.

LOOK ALL RIGHT?

OH, VERY CLOSE, FATHER.

OH, THE LORD'S ABANDONED ME.

HOW'S IT GOING, FATHER?

THE WHOLE THING'S RIGGED.

I'M BEING CHEATED.

Seamus: WHAT'S HE DOING?

HE KNOWS HE CAN'T WIN.

GIVE HIM A HAND THEN, SEAMUS.

CAN YOU DO THAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

OH, I SAID, UH, OH, DON'T DO THAT.

LET ME GIVE IT A TRY, FATHER.

FATHER

THAT'S HIM; THAT'S THE MAN.

AT LEAST LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED.

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU WERE FOLLOWING ME... NOT NOW, WOMAN.

HE'S ABOUT TO THROW.

I WANT TO HEAR

ANGELS PASS.

(Seamus grunting)

(sputtering)

IT'S A MIRACLE--

MIRACLE OF THE RINGS.

YOU WIN, FATHER.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, MY BOY.

I'LL HAVE THAT BIG PINK FELLER OVER THERE.

REMINDS ME OF FATHER DONOVAN.

(chuckling)

HE WAS ALWAYS SEEING THESE THINGS.

FATHER, THIS MAN HERE IS THE ONE I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT.

AND YOU'RE MAKING A SERIOUS ACCUSATION

AGAINST HIM.

NOW THEN, JACK... UH, I CAN CALL YOU JACK, CAN'T I?

OH, I HOPE SO.

RIGHT. NOW, ARE YOU A PEEPING TOM AS SHE SAYS?

NOPE.

FAIR ENOUGH. THERE YOU ARE, KATHLEEN.

YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN.

I'M AN IMPECCABLE JUDGE OF CHARACTER.

UH, COME ON, JACK.

LET'S FIND THE BEAR TENT.

I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU, FATHER.

EH, RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, MISS FITZPATRICK, UH...

IT REALLY WAS ALL JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING.

Man: THAT'S HIM, KATHLEEN.

Father Daley: WE'LL HAVE NONE

OF THAT HERE, GEORGE FITZPATRICK!

(bleating)

KEEP UP NOW, JERICHO!

COME ON! JUST DO IT WITH YOUR LEGS!

COME ON! COME ON! GO FASTER!

(yelling)

WHOA, WHOA.

(yelling) COME ON!

WHOO!

FASTER NOW!

GO FOR THE GATE!

GO FOR THE GATE!

THE WHAT? GATE?

(bleating)

HERE WE GO!

WHOA!

THE OLD CROCK OF GOLD.

AH, SURE, BUT ANIMALS HAVE SUCH GOOD SENSE TO DROP US HERE.

AH, THEY DO, DON'T THEY?

HEY, HEY, NOW, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, BROTHER?

IN FOR A DRINK.

NO, NO, NO

YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

I'M 97.

SEE?

NOT EVEN OUT OF DOUBLE FIGURES.

OH, BARNEY, NOW, LOOK, LOOK.

LOOK, YOU SEE...

YOU HAVE TO STAY AND GUARD THE PLACE.

YEAH, TELL US IF ANY TROOPING FAIRIES

TURN UP.

BE THE GUARD?

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT JOB.

IS IT?

VITAL.

WE'D BE DEPENDING ON YOU.

YOU WOULD?

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT THEN...

AS LONG AS I'M IN CHARGE.

OH, YOU ARE.

YOU ARE INDEED. DON'T WORRY.

I'M IN CHARGE.

SO WHAT MISCHIEF SHALL WE GET UP TO, LADS?

EH, TURN THE MILK SOUR?

NO.

FLATTEN THE WHEAT FIELDS?

NO.

BLOSSOM SHAKING WILL BE GOOD.

NO. NO.

I HATE BLOSSOMS.

IT HAS NO RIGHT TO BE THERE.

IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH?

YES.

WHAT ABOUT WE SNEAK UP INTO THE GRAND MITZMA BALL

UP AT THE CASTLE?

IT'S THE EVENT OF ALL THE YEAR FOR ALL THE TROOPING FAIRIES.

AH, GOOD ON YOU, MICKEY.

THERE'S BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FAIRIES UP THERE

WHO HAVE YET TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE DELIGHTS

OF A HANDSOME, VIRILE LEPRECHAUN.

THEN WE CAN CAUSE A WHOLE HEAP OF TROUBLE.

BUT... THE GRAND BANSHEE HAS WARNED US

TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE, HASN'T SHE?

JERICHO, LEPRECHAUNS ARE BORN FOR TROUBLE.

WE'RE THE TRUE SPIRIT OF OLD IRELAND.

WE'VE GOT MORE GET-UP-AND-GO IN US THAN A HATFUL OF POOKAS.

Both: DID SOMEONE CALL OUR NAMES?

(cheering)

(Irish jig playing)

BY THE EYEBROWS OF THE GREAT FARACUS

THIS'LL GET THE BLOOD RACING AND THE FEET TAPPING

OVER THE HILLS OF GALWAY!

OH, THAT'S QUITE A PARTY

THEY'RE PUTTING ON FOR US UP THERE.

Jericho: BUT THERE'S NO WAY TO GET IN.

OH, WE'LL FIND A WAY, JERICHO.

WE MIGHT HAVE A FEW PROBLEMS

PASSING OURSELVES OFF AS ONE OF THEM.

OH, BARNEY, HURRY!

(indistinct talking)

Man: HEY!

FOUR AGAINST ONE.

OH, CALAMITY!

OH, LET'S GET HIM.

GOT YOU!

NO, YOU DON'T!

COME BACK HERE.

(punches being delivered)

(laughing)

MY FRIENDS

I BELIEVE WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO A BALL.

(laughing)

SHH. KEEP IT QUIET.

GET UP HERE, NOW!

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING.

IT'S HUGE!

SHH. BE QUIET, COME ON.

OH, UP WE GO.

HOLD ON, LADS.

ALL RIGHT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT!

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

OH, IT'S A POWERFUL LONG WAY DOWN THERE.

OH, I HOPE THIS THING DOESN'T BURST.

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, SEAN.

WHAT'S THAT FUNNY SMELL?

OH, THEY MUST HAVE BEEN CLEAN.

CLEAN?

YEAH, CLEAN. IT'S CLEAN.

OH, YOU'LL NOT HAVE COME ACROSS IT BEFORE.

OH! OH!

OH, COME ON!

STOP MUCKING ABOUT.

I WAS NOT!

THEY MOVED THE GROUND.

SHH. SHH.

MY INVITATION.

THAT'S MINE AS WELL.

WE'RE ALL TROOPING FAIRIES.

DON'T!

JUST LET ME AT THEM!

I'LL MASSACRE THE LOT.

SILENCE!

JERICHO!

LISTEN, THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A YOUNG LEPRECHAUN.

YES, IT IS.

NO! YOU'RE TO STAY HERE AND WAIT.

DO SOME GUARDING.

GUARDING? AGAIN?

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

AM I IN CHARGE AGAIN?

YOU ARE THE MAN.

THE ONLY MAN.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN.

AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES...

NOT AT ALL.

TAKE OFF

THAT STUPID LEPRECHAUN MASK, GROVER.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID.

THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA.

PERFECT FOR A MAD MIDSUMMER BALL.

YOU WOULD THINK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YES, I WOULD, WOULDN'T I?

LOOK AT THE WINGS

ON HER.

AH, NO, POINT, WAIT!

WHAT?

WATCH AND LEARN FROM THE MASTER.

AS ONE WHO'S BEEN OUT EAST AND SEEN A FEW THINGS

MAY I SAY YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS.

YOU MAY HAVE THIS DANCE.

(waltz playing)

(fanfare playing)

(screaming)

DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER KNOCK?

SORRY, JACK.

BUT WE DO LIVE HERE, TOO, YOU KNOW.

(clearing throat)

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

OH, WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT...

LADIES FIRST

PLEASE.

OH, ISN'T SHE

A MAGNIFICENT WOMAN?

SAY, MARY, LOOK AT ALL THEM GREAT PICTURES.

SOUVENIRS, ARE THEY, JACK

TO TAKE BACK WITH YOU?

YEAH, KIND OF.

IN FACT

I'M NOT JUST HERE FOR A REST.

I'M HERE FOR MY JOB AS WELL.

MUST BE A VERY IMPORTANT JOB, IS IT

TO TAKE ALL THEM PICTURES OF THE VALLEY?

YEAH, I GUESS.

SAY, UM... THIS, UH...

KATHLEEN...

WHAT'S HER STORY?

JACK'S TAKEN QUITE A SHINE TO KATHLEEN.

NOT THAT I COULD SEE WHY.

WELL, SHE'S PRETTY ENOUGH IN AN UGLY HUMAN

KIND OF A WAY.

THEY'D MAKE A FINE COUPLE.

(both giggling)

OKAY, OKAY.

THANK YOU.

Seamus: OH, JACK!

DON'T TELL HER BROTHERS ABOUT US.

YOU HEAR ME?

THEY'LL WANT TO CATCH US FOR OUR POTS OF GOLD.

Jack: POTS OF GOLD?

LEPRECHAUNS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE POTS OF GOLD

HIDDEN ALL OVER THE PLACE.

AND WHEN HUMANS CATCH US

THEY WANT US TO TELL THEM WHERE THEY'RE HIDDEN.

Mary: IT'S A FAIRY STORY.

IF WE HAD POTS OF GOLD

YOU THINK WE'D BE LIVING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

HA! WE'D BE LIVING IN A PALACE.

(laughing)

♪ I HAVE ALWAYS ♪

♪ HEARD... ♪

OH, I'M SORRY, PRINCESS.

I'VE NEVER DANCED SO BADLY.

OH, SO YOU HAVE DANCED BEFORE, THEN?

OH, WELL, MY FOX-TROT WAS ONCE THE TALK OF THE PALACE.

OF COURSE, PLEASE.

A PLEASURE.

HELLO.

♪ ...TO OUR DREAMS ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY... ♪

AND WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

THE FAIREST BEAUTY THAT EVER STOOD

BEFORE THE EYES OF A MAN

SINCE HELEN DANCED HER WILLING WAY

ON THE WONDERING WORLDS OF TROY.

IT'S ONLY A GIFT OF WORDS THAT YOU SHOWER ME, BUT I HAVE TO SAY

THAT THEY SHINE.

OH, YOU SHINE, PRINCESS MINE

YOU SHINE!

♪ ...MY WORLD, MY HOPE ♪

♪ MY GOAL ♪

♪ WE CAN FLY AWAY OVER... ♪

MAY I CUT IN?

♪ ...YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ YOU CAN FLY AWAY OVER IT ALL... ♪

NICE SET OF EYEBROWS YOU GOT THERE.

♪ YOU REACHED OUT AND TOUCHED THE REAL ME ♪

♪ NOW THERE'S NO STORM BEFORE US ♪

♪ AS STRONG AS THE LOVE WE BOTH FEEL... ♪

YOU LOOK SO LOVELY IN THE MOONLIGHT.

TAKE OFF YOUR MASK.

UH, TH-THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

ARE YOU FRIGHTENED?

YES. UH... NO. UM...

THEN DO IT.

(sighs)

FOR YOUR SAKE ONLY.

I'LL TURN AWAY.

BUT YOU'RE A LEPRECHAUN.

A REAL ONE.

I AM.

BUT LEPRECHAUNS ARE ALL VILE AND VILLAINOUS AND VULGAR.

AND TROOPING FAIRIES ARE ALL SNEERING, SNOBBISH AND SELFISH.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

WE'RE NOT LIKE THAT.

AND WE'RE NOT ALL VILE AND VILLAINOUS.

NOW, VULGAR, MAYBE-- AND THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH.

I CAN'T ARGUE THERE.

BUT YOU'RE STILL A LEPRECHAUN.

AND YOU ARE STILL A TROOPING FAIRY.

DOES IT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?

NO.

HOW DARE YOU!

OH, I DARE.

PRINCESS JESSICA, I DARE.

COME BACK HERE NOW AND APOLOGIZE.

OH, YOU'RE JOKING.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST

AND NO FLYING.

YOU THINK A PRINCESS CAN'T RUN.

NO.

(Jessica laughing)

WHEN I WAS YOUNG

I NEVER WANTED TO DANCE

BECAUSE I THOUGHT

I HAD TWO LEFT FEET

AND THEN I FOUND OUT MY FEET WERE FINE.

IT WAS THE TWO LEFT SHOES THAT WERE BOTHERING ME.

I'M NOT STOPPING YOU

FROM GETTING BACK TO SOMEONE, AM I?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO MONOPOLIZE YOU.

AH, NOT AT ALL.

I'M ALL YOURS NOW.

LUCKY ME.

SIRE.

I THINK WE'VE BEEN INVADED.

BY WHO?

WHOM. BY WHOM.

BY WHOM?

LEPRECHAUNS.

THEY WOULDN'T DARE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THERE ARE LEPRECHAUNS HERE?

SMELL.

(all sniffing)

IF WE ACCUSE THEM AND THEY'RE NOT

IT WOULD CAUSE A SCANDAL.

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

MEET ME AFTERWARDS.

I CAN'T. IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.

I KNOW.

FRIENDS!

NOBLES!

WE WILL ALL UNMASK ON THE LAST STROKE OF MIDNIGHT.

OFF WITH THE MASKS, AND ALL WILL BE REVEALED.

COME ON, COME ON.

YOU HAVE TO GO.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL SEE ME AGAIN.

GO BEFORE YOU GET CAUGHT.

YOU MUST PROMISE. GO.

YOU MUST PROMISE ME.

ALL RIGHT. I PROMISE. GO.

All: FIVE...

DO YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISES?

SIX...

ARE YOU OKAY? LET'S GO.

SEVEN...

EIGHT...

NINE...

TEN...

ELEVEN...

TWELVE!

(cheering)

MICKEY, JERICHO-- WILL YOU BE MUCH LONGER?

I'M POWERFUL HUNGRY

AND I'M NOT SURE WHO I'M GUARDING AGAINST. WHOOPS.

WHY ARE WE RUNNING? I COULD TAKE THEM.

YOU DID FINE TURNING UP AS YOU DID.

I DID?

SAVED THE DAY BY DISTRACTING THEM.

THAT'S WHY I DID IT

OF COURSE...

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

TRY TO REMEMBER HOW TO FLY.

MICKEY.

I-I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M DOING IT.

I'M SORRY TO BE THE ONE

TO TELL YOU THIS, MICKEY LAD

BUT YOU'RE IN LOVE.

REALLY?

THAT'S THE SIGN.

IS THAT A FACT?

GRAB HIM BEFORE HE COMES TO HIS SENSES.

COME ON QUICK. HOLD ON.

HURRY, JERICHO! COME ON, NOW.

QUICK! DOWN THERE! DOWN THERE!

SHE'S A LOVELY GIRL, NOW.

JUST KEEP IT UP.

JUST KEEP FLYING.

KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.

THAT'S A VERY ENERGETIC

WAY OF DOING THE WEEDING, JACK.

SEAMUS.

I'M NOT GARDENING.

I'M PRACTICING MY SWING.

YOUR SWING?

YEAH. YEAH, MY GOLF SWING.

YOU KNOW, THIS WHOLE AREA HERE

THIS WOULD MAKE A PERFECT GOLF COURSE, DON'T YOU THINK?

NO DOUBT, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

MIND YOU, I DON'T HAVE

THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I TELL YOU, A PLACE LIKE THIS

IT WOULD BE EVERY GOLFER'S DREAM.

I MEAN, YOU GOT THE BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

YOU GOT THE PRETTY COTTAGE, A BLISSFUL SUMMER'S DAY.

GOLFERS FROM EVERYWHERE-- NEW YORK, CHICAGO--

THEY'D ALL COME HERE.

ENJOY A RELAXING, FUN-FILLED HOLIDAY PLAYING GOLF

IN PERFECT IRISH SURROUNDINGS.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, JACK?

IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?

NO. I'M, I'M OKAY.

(ball clattering in wheelbarrow)

WHAT TIME DID YOU GET IN AT LAST NIGHT?

OH, UM...

LATE. I WENT PARTYING.

I WENT UP TO THE FAIRIES SUMMER BALL.

DID YOU? GOOD BOY, GOOD BOY.

YOU STUCK IT TO THEM.

AH, THEY HATE THAT.

I MET THIS GIRL.

PRINCESS JESSICA.

PRINCESS JESSICA?

KING BORIC'S DAUGHTER?

OH, SHE'S AN ANGEL

WITH A FACE...

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO-- THIS IS IT.

YOU LEAVE HER BE.

I DON'T WANT THAT SORT OF TROUBLE.

MARY MULDOON, THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

JACK, W-WILL, WILL YOU TELL HIM TO LISTEN TO HIS FATHER?

WHY? I NEVER DID.

NEITHER DID I. THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

SO HE'S TOLD YOU, HAS HE?

YOU'RE HIS FATHER-- SPEAK TO HIM.

MICKEY MULDOON, YOU LISTEN TO ME.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM THAT GIRL OR I'LL DISOWN YOU.

HOW CAN YOU DISOWN ME? YOU DON'T OWN ANYTHING.

DON'T SPEAK TO YOUR FATHER LIKE THAT.

WELL, YOU DO.

IT'S EXPECTED. I'M HIS WIFE.

AND DON'T SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT.

DON'T SPEAK TO HER LIKE THAT.

WHO AM I EXPECTED TO SPEAK TO LIKE THAT?

DON'T BE SPEAKING TO ME LIKE THAT.

SHE STARTED SPEAKING TO ME LIKE THAT.

I TOLD YOU THE SAME THING LAST YEAR, KATHLEEN.

AND THE YEAR BEFORE. NO, I'M SORRY.

WHY CAN'T I BE IN THE RACE?

'CAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE LADY.

TOLD YA. SEE?

YOU CAN'T.

(people laughing)

I'M GOING TO ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO RIDE FOR ME.

THAT SEEMS FAIR, DOESN'T IT?

WILL SOMEBODY ELSE DRIVE FIREFLY FOR ME?

I'LL RIDE FOR YOU.

OH, IT'S PEEPING TOM.

JACK. PEEPING JACK, IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

PEEPING JACK.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

I WOULDN'T LET YOU NEAR MY HORSE.

WHY NOT?

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT MAKE UP

FOR THAT LITTLE... MISUNDERSTANDING.

ANYWAY, THE TIDE'S COMING IN

WE SHOULD START THE RACE.

YOU'RE TOO LATE NOW ANYWAY.

ALL RIGHT. YOU DRIVE FOR ME.

MY NAME IS JACK, JACK WOODS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

KATHLEEN FITZPATRICK.

I KNOW.

HELLO, KATHLEEN.

SO, HAVE YOU DONE MUCH TROTTING?

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT, IS IT?

YOU HAVE DRIVEN A BUGGY BEFORE

HAVEN'T YOU, MR. WOODS?

YOU SIT IN THE SEAT AND HANG ONTO THE REINS.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

(people shouting)

THE RACE WILL BE ONE CIRCUIT OF THE TRACK

TO THAT FAR SLAB AND THEN BACK AGAIN.

AND TRY NOT TO CHEAT TOO MUCH.

GET READY...

GET SET...

GO!

YAH!

(cheering)

YES! YOU GO ON.

COME ON, FIREFLY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED A HAND.

DON'T WORRY, MR. WOODS.

THE OLD LEPRECHAUN MAGIC WILL DO THE TRICK.

GREAT. TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

GET CLOSER TO THE OTHERS.

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S YOUR ADVICE?

PRETTY MUCH, YES.

THAT SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

WELL, AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING UNGRATEFUL

THIS IS SOMETHING I WANT TO DO BY MYSELF.

GO ON, JACK.

GO ON, WIN IT FOR THE LADY.

COME ON, BABY.

COME ON, YOU STUPID DONKEY.

HOLD THE LINE THERE, JOHN.

COME IN, COME IN, COME IN HERE!

WE HAVE HIM, LADS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

(laughing)

OKAY, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO PLAY IT.

TIME FOR A LITTLE FREEWAY MANEUVER.

THIS IS MY EXIT.

JACK...

JACK! JACK! JACK!

COME ON YOU, DOPEY DAN!

COME ON, COME ON, FIREFLY.

JACK! JACK!

JACK!

JACK!

(cheering)

Man: WELL DONE, MR. WOODS.

YOU DID REALLY WELL, LAD.

THIS IS A REALLY NICE GESTURE, MR. WOODS.

CALL ME JACK.

YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK... JACK?

YEAH.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

OH, WELL, I... YOU KNOW, I JUST GUESSED.

WELL, THAT'S WHERE I LIVE NOW ANYWAY.

I'D LOVE TO GO THERE.

SEE ALL THE SKYSCRAPERS AND THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

AND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

IT'S QUITE SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT.

I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN OUT OF IRELAND.

NO?

I COULD THINK OF A LOT WORSE PLACES TO BE.

OH, DO YOU LIKE IT HERE?

YEAH, VERY MUCH.

A LOT MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD.

YEAH.

WELL, WE DON'T GET

TOO MANY TOURISTS, THANK GOODNESS.

YOU DON'T.

YOU DON'T.

WELL... I'D BETTER BE GOING.

KATHLEEN...

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I DON'T KNOW TILL I HEAR IT.

WELL, I'M TAKING SOME PICTURES

OF SOME OF THE BEAUTY PARTS OF IRELAND

AND I WAS WONDERING, IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE

YOU COULD SHOW ME AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

(chuckles)

NO.

WHY NOT?

WELL, WHY AREN'T YOU?

BECAUSE I NEVER WANTED TO.

WELL, THERE YOU GO.

(chuckling)

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU HERE TOMORROW MORNING...

9:00.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THIS SPERRY...

SPERRY... WHATCHAMACALLIT?

McGIRK.

SPERRY, SPERRY & McGIRK.

I'M THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF COORDINATION.

SOUNDS IMPRESSIVE.

WELL...

YEAH, IF I CAN PUT TOGETHER

THIS PARTICULAR DEAL

I'M WORKING ON NOW, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE

I'LL MAKE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT.

OF COURSE, THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS GOING FOR THE SAME POSITION.

THERE'S NO GUARANTEES.

GOT TO COME UP WITH THE GOODS.

YOU SEE THIS SHELL?

ISN'T THAT JUST BEAUTIFUL?

YEAH.

YEAH, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.

SMILE.

ARE THESE THINGS CLEAN?

YEAH, OH, YEAH, THEY'RE CLEAN.

THEY'RE POISONOUS.

BUT THEY'RE CLEAN.

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

I'M JUST NOT USED TO EATING ANYTHING

THAT DOESN'T HAVE A EXPIRATION DATE.

OH, GO ON, JACK.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE?

THOSE ARE GOOD.

YEAH.

THOSE ARE REALLY GOOD.

IT'S BETTER THAN IN THE STORE.

MM.

OW.

OH, WAIT.

HANG ON.

JUST STAY STILL.

DON'T MOVE.

DON'T MOVE.

STOP PULLING.

HANG ON, HANG ON.

THAT'S IT.

JESSICA'S THE DAUGHTER OF A KING

WHOSE WORLD SPINS ON A RIM OF GOLD.

SHE'LL NOT WANT TO LIVE IN A DUSTY HOLE

FULL OF COLD HILLS AND LONG ROADS

ONLY FIT FOR WALKING.

THAT'S FOR THE FUTURE, SEAN.

THIS IS HERE AND NOW.

I DON'T MIND HOW IT GOES AS LONG AS I GO WITH JESSICA.

NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT.

BUT YOU'RE IN LOVE.

SO YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

LISTEN TO HIM.

RIGHT THERE, JERRY, ME LAD.

WE'RE ALL JUST TALKING ABOUT LOVE.

WE OAKSHEES KNOW ALL ABOUT LOVE, DON'T WE, LADS?

OF COURSE WE DO.

WHO DO YOU LOVE?

WE'RE TREE SPIRITS. WE LOVE TREES.

DOESN'T COUNT.

TRY AND DO ANYTHING TO OUR TREES

AND YOU'LL SEE HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM.

BUT YOU LEPRECHAUNS ARE DECENT FELLAS.

YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT TIME TO STOP AND SHOOT THE LEAVES.

NOT LIKE THEM TROOPERS

WITH ALL THEIR MEASURING AND BLOSSOM NONSENSE.

THEY WORK TOO HARD.

WORK IS THE DEATH OF FREEDOM AS WE KNOW IT.

AMEN.

ABSOLUTELY.

Kathleen: NO, THEY'RE GOOD SOULS, REALLY.

THEY'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT...

THEY'RE OVERPROTECTIVE SINCE OUR PARENTS DIED.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY, JACK?

OH, YEAH.

GOT A FULL SET.

GOT A FATHER WHO RUNS A CAB COMPANY.

GOT A MOTHER WHO RUNS MY FATHER.

A COUPLE OF YOUNGER SISTERS

AND AN OLDER BROTHER.

AND THEY ALL LIVE IN NEW YORK?

WELL, MY BROTHER DOES.

YEAH, HE'S A LAWYER.

BUT HE'S OKAY.

EVERYBODY ELSE, THEY LIVE IN ARIZONA.

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM.

DO YOU MISS THEM?

YEAH... YEAH, I DO.

SO WHY'D YOU LEAVE?

WELL, YOU KNOW, CAREER.

LURE OF THE BIG CITY.

ARE YOU HAPPY THERE?

I'M HAPPY RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT NOW.

WITH YOU.

NOBODY THERE, NOT EVEN A WHIFF OF A LEPRECHAUN.

HE SAID THAT HE'D BE HERE THIS EVENING.

THEY SAY A LOT OF THINGS, DO MEN

ESPECIALLY LEPRECHAUN MEN.

THEY'RE FOND OF SAYING THINGS THEY DON'T MEAN.

MICKEY MULDOON ISN'T LIKE THAT.

THEN WHERE IS HE?

I'M HERE. (gasping)

HE MADE MY HEART GO PIT-A-PAT, PIT-A-PAT.

MINE, TOO.

LADY MARGARET, HE HAS COME TO SEE ME.

YOU CAN WAIT DOWN HERE.

Margaret: I'VE ONLY BEEN A LADY IN WAITING FOR 300 YEARS.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT BY NOW.

OH, JESSICA, COME WITH ME WHERE THE RAIN IS LIGHT

AND THE SUN IS HOT.

I SHOULDN'T LISTEN

TO YOU, MICKEY, BUT YOUR WORDS ARE STARS IN MY EARS.

(giggling)

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT LEPRECHAUNS COULD FLY.

WE CAN'T.

UNLESS WE'RE... WE'RE IN LOVE

AND YOU CAN'T LIE TO GRAVITY.

ANYWAY, COME AWAY WITH ME.

I CAN'T.

WE CAN DO ANYTHING.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

(shrieks)

LADY MARGARET!

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE MY FRIEND.

I AM, OR I'D HAVE CALLED THE GUARDS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

THEY'RE ALREADY HERE.

I'LL COME BACK.

Jessica: MICKEY!

OH, NO.

OAKSHEES!

OAKSHEES! TO ARMS!

TO ARMS!

TROOPERS ARE DAMAGING YOUR TREES WITH COBWEBS!

(laughing)

(clearing throat)

(jeering)

THANKS, LADS.

(laughing)

I GOT A DATE

WITH A PRINCESS.

DO YOU WANT US TO COME WITH YOU?

IT COULD BE DANGEROUS.

ON, NO, JERICHO.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.

NO NEED, IT'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU.

GIVE HER A KISS FOR ME, MICKEY, M'BOY.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, NOW, LADS. TAKE CARE.

Sean: I ALMOST KISSED A TROOPING FAIRY ONCE.

SHE HAD A FINE SET OF WINGS ON HER.

OH, BARNEY.

DON'T WORRY, LADS.

I GOT THEM RIGHT WHERE I WANT THEM.

AH, MULDOON, WHAT A COINCIDENCE

FINDING YOU HERE.

I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE, GROGAN.

LET BARNEY GO.

YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TROUBLE, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

YOU DON'T GET AWAY THAT EASY.

I'M NOT FIGHTIN'.

OH, YOU'LL FIGHT.

OR YOUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE HAS DONE

HIS LAST SPELL AT GUARDING.

IS THAT A FACT?

WELL, I'M HAPPY TO OBLIGE YOU.

Jericho: SO AM I.

MY FIGHT IS WITH MULDOON HERE.

OH, WELL, AS MUCH

AS IT GRIEVES ME TO WATCH

ANOTHER LEPRECHAUN HAVE ALL THE FUN--

GO FOR IT, MICKEY ME BOY.

LITTLE MORRIS HERE IS BEGGING FOR IT.

DON'T CALL ME MORRIS.

WELL, THEN I WON'T.

MORRIS.

(snickering)

AND NEITHER WILL I, MORRIS.

MORRIS, MORRIS, MORRIS.

GIVE HIM A TASTE

OF LEPRECHAUN JUSTICE, MICKEY, LAD.

I'M NOT FIGHTING, SEANNIE.

LET HIM GO.

THAT GIRL HAS UNMANNED YOU.

HE'S A YELLOW-BELLY.

HE HAS COWARD'S LEGS, LIKE ALL LEPRECHAUNS.

THAT'S IT.

ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.

NO MORE MR. NICE LEPRECHAUN.

OH, I'LL SHOW YOU

A COWARD'S LEGS AND ARMS.

DON'T DO IT. IT'S WHAT HE WANTS.

Sean: HERE'S THE THING.

IT'S WHAT I WANT, TOO.

IF YOU NEED ANY HELP, SEAN

I'M RIGHT HERE FOR YOU.

GOOD MAN.

(yelling)

SEANNIE, LEAVE HIM BE!

SEAN!

I DON'T FEEL SO WELL.

I FEEL DOOMY SOMEHOW.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WE LEPRECHAUNS ARE IMMORTAL.

WELL, IT DOESN'T SEEM SO.

WELL, WHERE'S THE REST OF ME?

I WARNED YOU'D PAY

THE ULTIMATE PRICE.

I'M TAKING HIM.

NO!

LOOK...

I'M ONLY HALF THE MAN I WAS.

WE MEANT NO HARM.

I COULD DO WITH A DRINK

OF SOMETHING, AS LONG AS IT'S WET.

KISS HER FOR ME... MICKEY.

(yelling)

WHAT NEWS OF MICKEY?

THE WORST.

NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

HE'S KILLED YOUR COUSIN GROGAN.

HE'S KILLED HIM?

BUT FAIRIES DON'T DIE.

THEY DO SOMETIMES.

I MUST SEE MICKEY.

JESSICA, GET PACKED.

WE'RE SENDING YOU AWAY.

WHERE? WHY?

WAR WITH THE LEPRECHAUNS.

THEY'VE KILLED OUR BELOVED GROGAN.

IT WAS THAT MICKEY MULDOON.

WE'RE MAKING SURE YOU'RE OUT OF THE CLUTCHES

OF THAT MURDEROUS SEDUCER.

COUSIN GROGAN HAD A VERY BAD TEMPER.

ARE YOU DEFENDING

HIS KILLERS? NO!

THE CHILD HAS A POINT.

IF WE GO TO WAR, THE GRAND BANSHEE

WILL MAKE IT VERY REAL THIS TIME.

IT WOULD BE SENSIBLE TO WAIT TILL ALL THE FACTS ARE KNOWN.

Boric: I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SENSIBLE.

JESSICA LEAVES IN THE MORNING.

Mary: I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SEAN'S GONE.

IT'S LIKE WE'VE KNOWN HIM

FOR CENTURIES.

WE HAVE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, MULDOON?

FIGHT!

All: YEAH!

GRAND BANSHEE OR NO GRAND BANSHEE.

(exclamations of approval)

HEY, JACK.

SEAMUS

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE

I AM TRULY, DEEPLY IN LOVE.

THAT RIGHT?

IT'S KATHLEEN.

THAT'S NICE, YEAH.

LOOK AT THIS.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT.

YES, YES, IT'S LOVELY. SHE GAVE IT TO ME.

HUH?

HERE.

AH, NO.

NO, THANKS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SEAMUS?

IT'S BEST YOU DON'T KNOW, JACK.

SOME THINGS ARE STRICTLY

LEPRECHAUN BUSINESS.

AH.

YOU KNOW, IF SHE FINDS OUT WHY I CAME HERE

SHE WON'T UNDERSTAND.

THAT A FACT?

THE GRAND BANSHEE IS TAKING ALL THE FUN OUT OF IT.

I WAS ALMOST MARRIED ONCE, YOU KNOW?

SHE WANTS US TO STOP.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

BOSS'S DAUGHTER.

DIDN'T WORK OUT.

A LOT OF, YOU KNOW...

I HOPE WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

I TOLD MYSELF, "JACK

MAYBE YOU JUST WEREN'T MEANT TO BE IN LOVE."

LO AND BEHOLD, HERE IT IS AGAIN.

GRAND BANSHEE OR NO GRAND BANSHEE

WE ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

YEAH, SURE YOU ARE.

I CAN'T LET 'EM CHANGE ANYTHING HERE.

I JUST CAN'T.

IT'D COST ME MY JOB, BUT...

THERE YOU GO.

AH, YES, THERE YOU GO.

YEAH, THERE I GO.

NICE TALKING TO YOU, JACK.

YEAH, YOU, TOO, SEAMUS.

CLEARED THE AIR.

YEAH, YEAH.

(both gasping)

I'M SORRY, LADY MARGARET

BUT I'D BE OBLIGED IF YOU COULD KEEP

AS QUIET AS A MOUSE ON A PLATTER.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, PRINCESS JESSICA?

YES, I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE TO GO.

THEY'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU.

PLEASE, MICKEY, BE CAREFUL.

I WILL. I WILL.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

I'M BEING SENT TO THE UNDERWATER PALACE.

I'LL COME GET YOU.

YOU WON'T FIND US.

THE PALACE IS UNDER THE SEA.

IS THERE SOMEONE THERE, PRINCESS?

NO. ONLY LADY MARGARET.

NOW GO.

I'M GOING.

Seamus: IT'S TIME WE TAUGHT

THOSE ARROGANT, SNOT-NOSED TROOPERS A LESSON!

IT IS THAT, YES.

THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO CRUSH THOSE TROOPERS

ONCE AND FOR ALL!

BY GOD, IT IS!

BREAK OPEN THE BARREL AND DRINK TO VICTORY.

GOOD MAN, GROCOCH.

DRINKS ARE ON GROCOCH.

HE'S BUYING.

WE'VE ALREADY ACHIEVED FULL MOBILIZATION.

WHAT ABOUT OUR WORK?

IF WE'RE ALL FIGHTING

THERE'LL BE NO ONE LEFT TO LOOK AFTER NATURE.

WE'LL HAVE STORMS, FLOODS, SNOW IN SUMMER.

THE LEAVES WILL WITHER AND DIE.

Queen Morag: DON'T BE SUCH A DRAB FAIRY, CHAMBERLAIN.

NATURE CAN TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

WE'VE A WAR TO WAGE.

Chamberlain: WHO'S LEADING THE ARMY?

Morag: THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN.

GENERAL BULSTRODE REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIRE.

IT'S NOT A BIG, DARK SECRET.

IT'S NOT ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, KATHLEEN.

NOW, NOW. WHEN PEOPLE SAY

THEY WANT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

IT USUALLY MEANS THEY HAVEN'T.

WELL, I HAVE BEEN.

I HAVE.

WELL, UP TO A POINT.

BUT I'M NOT EXACTLY

ON A VACATION.

IN FACT, IT'S NOT REALLY

A VACATION AT ALL.

MR. WOODS!

HELLO THERE, KATHLEEN.

I'VE JUST HAD A TELEPHONE CALL FROM NEW YORK

AND I WAS ASKED TO GIVE YOU THIS MESSAGE.

THEY SAID IT WAS URGENT.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HAD SUCH A CALL

AT THE POST OFFICE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BOYS UP TO THEIR TRICKS.

I PUT IT INTO AN ENVELOPE

FOR SECURITY.

HE'S TO GET BACK TO AMERICA RIGHT AWAY

FOR A MEETING.

THEY'VE HEARD NOTHING

FROM HIM FOR DAYS.

SO, WHEN DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THOSE LEAVES?

AND IT'S THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER.

WE'D BEST BE GETTING SOME SHELTER.

COME ON.

THE PONY AND TRAP'S THIS WAY.

IF I CAN REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT.

IT'S LIKE THE SEASONS HAVE ALL GOT MIXED UP.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW

BUT I THINK I KNOW A MAN WHO DOES.

SEAMUS MULDOON.

WHO?

HE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE.

SEAMUS!

HE AND HIS FAMILY, THEY SHARE THIS COTTAGE.

NOBODY SHARES A COTTAGE, JACK.

HE'S A LEPRECHAUN.

SEAMUS, ARE YOU IN HERE?

HE'S A LEPRECHAUN?

WHERE ARE YOU?

YEAH. HEAD OF THE KERRY LEPRECHAUNS.

YOU KNOW, SEAMUS MULDOON.

RIGHT. SEAMUS MULDOON, OF COURSE.

ARE YOU OUT THERE?

WHERE ARE YOU?

JACK, JACK...

SEAMUS, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU COULD SHOW YOURSELVES.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

SEAMUS AND MARY MULDOON AT YOUR SERVICE.

HERE, DRINK SOME OF THIS.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE REAL LEPRECHAUNS?

YOU WON'T FIND ANY REALER.

OF COURSE, WE ONLY SHOW OURSELVES TO THOSE THAT WE LIKE.

AND WE LIKE YOU, PRETTY LADY.

YOU'RE A FINE SWIMMER.

IT'S A VERY NICE STROKE YOU HAVE.

ENOUGH OF THAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE WITH THE LEAVES, SEAMUS?

THIS IS LIKE FALL ALREADY.

THERE'S TERRIBLE TROUBLE IN FAIRY LAND, JACK.

TERRIBLE TROUBLE, YES.

I HAVE TO GO.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, PRETTY LADY.

JACK THERE'S A FINE MAN, YOU KNOW

FOR A HUMAN.

YOU COULD DO A LOT WORSE.

YOU COULD DO A LOT WORSE.

A LOT WORSE.

(waves rolling)

(gulls calling)

(sustained note blowing)

(sustained note blowing)

Jack: KATHLEEN

I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY

ABOUT ANYONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN US

BUT I JUST KNOW THAT I CAN'T LEAVE HERE

AN-AND NOT TAKE YOU WITH ME.

WELL, THEN, STAY.

YOU KNOW, STAY, AND YOU CAN GET SICK

OF THE SIGHT OF ME, HMM?

(chuckles)

I CAN'T.

THAT CALL FROM NEW YORK, THAT'S, UH...

George: HEY, IT'S THE RACE CHEAT.

FORGET IT, GEORGE.

I INVITED HIM.

BOOTS.

BOOTS.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I'M SORRY, KATHLEEN

BUT... I'M LEAVING ON THE EVENING TRAIN.

THIS EVENING?

(thunder rumbling)

GOOD RIDDANCE.

GEORGE...

COULD YOU GO, PLEASE?

YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE? CAN I GO WITH YOU?

NOT ME, HIM.

I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH HIM.

NO ONE ASKED YOU.

OH, RIGHT.

COULD YOU ALL

GO NOW, PLEASE?

(thunder rumbling distantly)

(sighs)

KATHLEEN, I...

(sighs)

I'VE GOT NO CHOICE.

IF I... IF I DON'T GO BACK, I'M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB.

BUT ARE YOU SO IMPORTANT TO THEM?

THEY CAN'T EXIST WITHOUT YOU BEING THERE?

NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING I HAVE TO...

STOP FROM HAPPENING OVER THERE.

I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO YOU

ON THE WAY, BUT...

JUST COME WITH ME.

I CAN'T.

WHY?

UM...

WHY?

I WANT TO, JACK...

I DO...

BUT I-I CAN'T.

George: KATHLEEN, HAVE YOU GOT MY PUB SHIRT?

YES, IT'S IN THE PRESS, BESIDE YOUR SOCKS.

(thunder approaching)

I REALLY CAN'T. THEY NEED ME... AND THIS PLACE

NEEDS RUNNING AN-AND...

AND IT'S JUST... IT'S ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST

YOU KNOW, WITH YOU

AN-AND...

THIS...

AND... THE LEPRECHAUNS.

ALFIE'S BEEN USING MY SHIRT AS HIS BED. I DON'T KNOW...

(distant rooster crowing)

WELL...

IT'S YOUR CALL.

(taps twice on table)

IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE A BUNCH OF EXCUSES.

(thunder rumbling)

(cow mooing)

(crackling)

(cow mooing)

George: WE ONLY PAINTED THIS LAST WEEK.

Man: HOW'D IT HAPPEN?

WHERE'D THE STORM COME FROM?

Man: I DON'T KNOW.

Man: WHAT ARE WE GOING

TO DO, KATHLEEN?

HUH?

WHY DOES THE WEATHER KEEP CHANGING?

(men continue talking)

HALT.

HALT!

HALT!

HALT!

HALT! HALT!

HALT! HALT!

(distant rumbling)

WHAT'S THAT?

(rumbling approaching)

(rumbling grows louder)

(roaring)

(birds chirping)

HELLO THERE, MR. WOODS.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED

A HAND WITH YOUR LUGGAGE.

THANKS.

AH, I THOUGHT I MISSED YOU.

BACK HOME, THEN, IS IT?

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME, THEN?

AH, YOU DID, GOOD.

BACK TO THE BIG CITY, EH?

THE BIG APPLE.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

AH... DON'T WORRY, NOW...

THE TRAIN'LL BE HERE THE MOMENT IT ARRIVES.

(crow cawing)

(yelling)

(yelling continuing)

HERE SHE COMES, MR. WOODS.

BEST GET READY-- BEAT THE RUSH.

(metal and brakes screeching)

AH, A GLORIOUS DAY FOR THE ARMY AND FOR ME, AH.

(soldiers yelling)

(mumbling)

(birds chirping)

(yelling continuing)

(in slow motion): CHARGE!

CHARGE!

SLAUGHTER THEM!

(yelling continuing)

(whistle blowing over screaming)