Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Hey, Casey! Whadaya say, whadaya know?

- Whadaya want, Derek? - What? Nothing.

Can't a step-bro have a nice little chat with his step-sis?

- Not after you scattered all the contents of my schoolbag

all over the house this morning! Pretty juvenile,

even for you, Derek. - What? You don't like a scavenger hunt?

- Not on gym activity sign-up day. So if you'll excuse me,

I have to go before all the good ones are taken.

- Oh, good ones! You mean like, oh, I don't know, ah... rock climbing?

- They have rock climbing? I like rock climbing.

Are you trying to prevent me from getting into rock climbing?

- Well... Whoa!

- I thought you were coming early. - Rock climbing?

- Full. And guess who got the last spot?

- Ah! Derek!

But there are other cool activities we can sign up for, right?

- Archery's full. All that's left is curling or fencing.

- Sweeping or dueling... Hmmmm.

Do we really need to discuss this?

- But fencing is so last century. - Well, maybe there'll be

some interesting people in our class.

- Yeah! Boys like sword fighting. - Emily,

we are staying single all year. Remember our pact?

- Yeah! But it was only for 3 months.

And I can't remember how you convinced me in the first place.

- Em, boys are nothing but a distraction.

- Talking about me again? - Ah! Sorry, Truman, gotta go.

But if you're looking for a gym activity, think curling.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married, that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school... A new house... ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora ♪

♪ Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

- When childish people try to bait you with their silly games,

the best thing to do is turn the other cheek.

And if that doesn't work turn the other, other cheek.

- Hey, everybody, I'm home! - What's that?

- And I bought a present.

- A giant box?

- Are we gonna build a fort?

- No! But we are gonna build...

...wait for it... a ping-pong table!

- I'd rather build a fort.

- Yeah. The McDonald family

prefers to play regular tennis to table tennis.

- Another ping-pong table? Sick!

- Well, I'm glad someone appreciates the gift of pong.

- Oh, yeah! But I gotta warn you, Dad, I've been practicing at Teddy's and, ah,

I got game now. - Well, I can't wait to see that game.

Let's set the table up in the basement.

- Ah, George we sleep in the basement.

- Hm. Then we'll set it up in the garage, right after I clean it out.

- Dad, you know what? I'd actually like to play this

before my grandkids have grandkids, so why don't we

set it up now just to make sure it works? - Set it up where?

- Here? - Just for a couple of days, honey.

- Another ping-pong table? Sick!

- Okay, prepare to lose to the new-and-improved Edwin.

- Edwin, everyone knows I'm the house champ and you're the house chump.

- And Sir Monks-A-Lot's the house chimp!

Get it? - Ah, how lovely.

How ‘bout a pool table in the living room?

- Ah ha! - It's just temporary.

- Wanna play me? - Oh, no thanks. I have to read up on fencing.

It's my activity for gym. - Yeah, Casey got the lamest

gym activity while I am rock climbing.

- Fencing is not lame! - Hm.

- It's directly descended from the duel.

The tip of the fencing foil is the second fastest moving object in sport.

Fencing has lightning-fast blade movements

and fast... escapes.

- I know, I know! - Well, hello, girls.

- Truman! Shouldn't you be curling?

- C'mon, Casey. First semester's over.

You can't keep me away forever. - Okay, look,

I know we had this flirty thing last year, but I have sworn off guys completely this year.

Don't take it personally. - So what time should I pick you up on Saturday?

- Truman, I am serious. You need to listen to me!

- No, you need to listen to me.

I am Fergus,

your guide to the glory

of fencing.

In my class you will learn

that fencing is more than mere sword-play.

- It's like playing chess on your feet.

And at the end of the week, we'll have a round-robin tournament

where you can show off your new skills.

Now, choose a partner!

- Ah, hi.

I'm Evan. Ah, do you have a partner?

- Actually-- - No!

You can find another partner, right?

- Emily, the pact. - The pact's over, Casey.

- You can partner with me. Unless, of course, your attraction for me

is going to be a distraction. - Truman, I am not attracted to you!

- Not a requirement for a fencing partner.

What is required is that you take this seriously.

And don't 'foil yourself,' this épée

is a weapon and as we like to say in the fencing:

loose grips, cut lips. Ha ha!

Anyone? Tough class.

Lunge, court parry

and riposte. Now you try.

- But... but you only showed us once.

There's no way I could-- - I could!

- And prime, six, huit,

disengage, lunge, court parry and riposte.

Fine fencing form, friend.

- Oh, all thanks to your fine teaching Fergus

and the lessons I took back at private school.

- Maybe you can help your partner with her technique.

- Ah! - Yes!

- You know, Edwin, I thought you were just bragging, but you're really good.

- Thank you. - Lizzie loses again.

- Maybe it's time you beat someone else.

- Like Derek! - Hey, how 'bout it, bro?

- Ah, no. You kiddies have your fun. I'll beat Edwin later.

- What's wrong Derek? Are you the house champ or the house chimp?

- Or maybe you're the house chicken!

Are you a chicken, Derek? - I'm just giving Edwin his 15 minutes of fame

before I humiliate him. [Chicken]

[Chicken]

- One game?

- Fine. Prepare to lose.

- Please. I was born ready to lose.

Now it's your turn.

- Lucky shot.

- Yeah! 20-14.

One more point and I will drink from the

Venturi championship cup!

- It's not match point.

Because we're not playing it to 21, we're playing to 25.

- Ha! - Make that, ah, 30.

31. - Oh!

- Yes! - 32.

- Mmm. Spaghetti and...

Ah! ping-pong balls.

- 99-94 and that's another match point!

- No. It's match point when I say it's match point

and we're playing to 101.

- Boys, it's time for dinner. - [Both]: Okay.

- Time out. [Hiccup]

- Oh, you're right. The ball is out.

I win. - But Derek...

[Hiccup] that's not... fair.

- I know! Hiccups just come at the worst times, don't they?

- Come on, Derek. Play me again! - Sorry.

I only like to humiliate you once a day.

- That's not true and you know it!

- Ah, George, about the ping-pong table.

- Told ya it'd be fun, huh?

- I just don't like all this competitive stuff between siblings.

We have enough of that with Casey and Derek. - Oh, c'mon Nora.

I competed with my own brother all the time. - You mean the brother

you're still fighting with all the time? Don't you think co-operation is more important

than competition? Like the way we're co-operating now?

- Yeah, but it would be more fun if we turned it into a competition

to see if I can wash faster

than you can dry!

Go!

- George! You're not even rinsing!

- Oh? Rinsing? Here. - Hey!

- Nora, stop it. Nora, let go! Nora!

- Whatever you do, do not leave me alone with Truman.

- I won't.

- Howdy partner. - Howdy there, Evan.

- Emily! You said we were switching partners!

You and me? Truman and Evan?

- Oh! Sorry, I forgot! - Maybe we could double date with Emily and her new friend.

- We are never going out ever! So live with it and leave me alone.

- C'mon, I'm just sparring with you. Ah, don't go!

Ow! - Hey! You used that épée as a weapon

when I expressly told you never to do that? - But I was goosed!

- Then you should have ducked! Either way, Missy, you're out of my class!

- If you're here to apologize for poking me on the you know where.

Don't bother! - Casey, that was an accidental goosing.

And I'll make it up to you on our date.

- You are unbelievable. - You're not so bad yourself.

- Stop being cute! - Well, I can't help that.

- Okay, Truman, that's it! I've had it!

No more flirting! No more teasing!

- C'mon, you love this! - No, I really don't!

I dislike it almost as much as I dislike the idea of curling,

which happens to be the class I have to go

and beg my way into now, thanks to you!

So stop with the games, because I am done playing!

- Here you go. - What are you doing?

- I'm being a good sport and giving you a chance to beat me. - At what?

- Juice pong. - Juice pong?

- If you shoot the ball in to any one of the juice-filled cups, you get a point.

If you spill the juice in your hand, then you lose a point

and then if you knock over one of the juice-filled cups

without spilling the juice in your hand,

then you get 2 points. And if at any point you feel

thirsty for juice, just take a sip and deduct one point.

- Derek this game is ridiculous!

- I know! I serve.

- Oh, Edwin, you really have to control your drooling.

- I was playing juice pong with Derek.

- Edwin, you want my advice? - No!

- Have a seat. Here.

You're better off not playing Derek at all.

- But I've been playing games with Derek my whole life.

You know, hockey, football, wrestling,

spit for distance, hot-hands. - Exactly!

And either he beats you and taunts you, or cheats you and taunts you, right?

- Right. - Well,

you can't lose if you

don't play. - Is that what they teach you in fencing?

- No, that's what I taught myself after I was booted

from fencing after an inappropriate goosing. - Really?

You know, maybe you're right. Maybe playing games with Derek

has caused me nothing but juice on my shirt! Derek can find another sibling to humiliate

at ping-pong! Up top!

- Excuse me, Fergus? But I need you to excuse me.

- Excuse you? What, for your behavior?

- No, from this class. I need you to sign this form saying you kicked me out of fencing

so I can start curling. Incidentally, I've never been

kicked out of a class before, ever. - I thought you were here

to beg me to let you back in, just like your friend Truman.

He was just here pleading your case. - Really?

- Ay. He promised me he would talk to you about your,

um, rage issues.

- Rage issues? That arrogant jerk!

Fergus, please! I am begging you! Let me back in class!

I have to beat Truman! - That is a travesty!

You must embrace the grace and beauty that is fencing,

not use it like that to prove a point. - Well, can't I do both?

Okay, yeah, yeah! I'll embrace it!

I'll give fencing a great big hug if it gets me back in class!

Even if it is a little old-fashioned.

- Old-fashioned? It's not old-fashioned,

it's a timeless art! Full of skill

and intelligence and grace.

All of which you'll find out when I tutor you here after school.

- Oh thank you, Fergus!

- There is nay any hugging in fencing.

- Missed me! Missed me! Missed me! Missed me!

Oh! Got me!

- Up you come!

- What's going on? - We're playing full-contact pong.

- Ah! Derek, isn't that more of a game for you and Edwin?

- Ah! He won't play me anymore. Can't take the heat.

- Well, maybe Marti wouldn't mind if, ah, I played you?

- Knock yourselves out. - I'll try not to.

- Okay, Derek. How ‘bout a little rally, ah,

old school?

So, Edwin won't play you, huh? - No.

- Well, after the way you competed so unfairly, I don't blame him.

- We've been competing unfairly for years! He's gives up now?

- I don't know. Maybe Nora was right.

Maybe all this competition isn't healthy. - Of course it's not healthy.

That's what makes it fun. - When I was a kid,

my brother Robbie and I? We competed at everything.

- Uncle Robbie kicked your butt, huh?

- No, no, actually I kicked his butt.

Well, right up until he had his growth spurt...

...then I wouldn't play him anymore.

Now, you know what? We're not so close.

I mean, we get along fine and everything but, ah,

he always wants to compete.

You know, who has the nicer car?

- He does. - Who has the bigger house?

- He does. - Who makes more money?

- He does. - All I'm saying is,

maybe if I'd let him win once or twice back then,

he wouldn't still be competing with me now and,

well, maybe we'd be closer.

- Dad, I get the point.

- Actually I get the point.

And I think it's time I called my brother.

- Oh, oh! - You alright?

- Yeah. - Gently, gently, gently!

- Bring your arm in like that. Like this.

Good. We step... this is good. You're getting it, you're getting it.

Gimme a lunge. Ah! That's not bad.

Not bad for a lassie. And good luck with that laddie.

- Hah! Hah!

- Whoa, watch where ya whisk!

- Sorry! Just came from fencing.

- I thought you were booted for thwacking after an inappropriate goosing?

- Oh, Fergus let me back in class. So, choose your weapon.

- Spatula.

- En garde!

- Olé!

Not bad. - Thanks.

Fergus has taught me to appreciate the timeless art of fencing.

I am so gonna beat Truman. - Casey, can you remind me again

why I'm not allowed to play ping-pong with Derek?

- Who said you're not allowed to play Derek? - You did!

And I took your advice! - You took my advice? Really? - Mm hm. Yes I did.

- Have a seat, Edwin.

As it turns out,

that advice was wrong. So here's your new advice:

You must beat your opponent. - Yeah, but that's the whole problem, Casey!

Every time I play Derek, he cheats so I can't win.

You know, this is the first time I've ever been better at a sport

than him and he can't handle it. - Well, then maybe

instead of trying to earn the respect of a cheater,

you should learn to stand up for yourself.

- Stand up to Derek? - Mm hm. That's right.

- Okay.

But can I bring my spatula?

Up top.

- Let the tournament begin.

Prêts? Allez!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the final battle between Truman French

and Casey McDonald. May the finest fencer win.

- Casey? How'd you get back in class?

And how'd you get so... good?

- Let's just say... en garde!

- Prêts? Allez!

- I thought you said no more games?

- That was before I found out about my rage issue!

- I only said that to Fergus so he'd let you back in class.

I was trying to be nice!

[Applause]

- You were only nice because you thought it would make me

go out with you? - Okay, well that, too.

- Well, you know what I realized? I think I can handle you.

- So, are we talking about fencing or are we talking about dating?

- Both.

- Oh, really?

So, then pick you up at eight Saturday night?

- No way! I'll pick you up.

[Applause]

And I win.

- I think I did, too.

- Will you two stop it? There's no flirting in fencing!

- Okay Derek, I will play juice pong,

full contact pong, pudding pong or any kind of pong,

if you agree to play me one game of table tennis to 21.

- Oh, you're on.

Out. - What? That was in! It hit the table!

- Uh, sorry! I must have missed it.

Well, that's one-nothing for me and maybe I should dock one for whining.

- Derek, I'm whining

because you're a big baby

who cheats because you can't stand losing!

Well, you're just going have to accept

that when it comes to pong, I rule!

- Oh, nice! - Hey! What's going on here?

- I think you missed a screw when you were putting the table together.

- Ah, nice try.

But you know what? This family was not meant to have a ping-pong table.

- Oh, hasty! - Dad, it was...

- My-my fault. Um, I'll pay for a new one.

- Oh, really? Well if your check doesn't bounce, I'll reconsider.

Now, you know what, both of you? I want you to put this table

in the garage with the other one you smashed.

- Right.

- But, why‘d you take the fall?

Is it because you knew I was going to beat you the whole time?

- Maybe. Or maybe it was because

it was time you stood up to me,

even if the table collapsed beneath you.

- So you were provoking me for my own good?

- Edwin, everything I do is for your own good.

And since I trained you so well, you can pay me back

by paying for a new ping-pong table.

- Forget it! You pay for it!

- What did you say? - I said we should split it?

Me 60, you 40? - Alright.

You win.

Closed Captioning by sette inc.

- You are a big baby! You can't

stand losing because you have to cheat

and I'm going to say the line again from the ground.

- Okay, let's... let's... let's get the shot.

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

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