Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Thank you. - Yeah, no worries.

- And you said it couldn't be done.

- Derek, you ate that green fuzzy thing at the back of the fridge?

- No. - I didn't say it couldn't be done,

I said it shouldn't be done.

- No, I convinced the boss to have an Open Mic Night on Friday night!

- Oh! But I thought he hated the idea of entertainment.

Something about customers loitering?

- Oh, he did, until I told him that an Open Mic night

would increase restaurant traffic by 17 percent

and food consumption by 24 percent.

- Derek, are those real numbers?

- 17 and 24 are obviously real numbers...

that I picked at random. But it was for a good cause.

- Oh, so you can play with your band? - Uh, yeah!

Plus, I convinced the boss to let

my girlfriend be the emcee for the night.

- Ooh, I get to be the emcee?

Okay, now I am loving this idea!

- Okay, then wait till you hear this idea.

D-Rock rocks the house, then the boss hires us as the house band

and then I use my star power

to get you hired as the permanent emcee.

- Oh! You are the sweetest rock star boyfriend I have ever gone out with.

- [Flattered]: Sally...

There have been others?

- Oh, please.

No one compares to you.

And, in case you can't tell,

I want you to know how crazy I am about you.

You're a pretty wonderful guy, Derek Venturi.

- Right back at ya, Sal.

- "Right back at ya"? That's it?!

Nothing more that you'd like to add?

- Uh, no thanks.

I'm good.

- ♪♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married, that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school... A new house... ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora ♪

♪ Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪♪

- For "too-cool-for-school" types like Derek,

expressing feelings can be difficult.

Unless those feelings are feelings of hostility towards me.

Then they flow just fine!

- Hey, Dad, are you done burning the chicken yet? We're starving.

- You mean: if I don't bring out the chicken,

my goose will be cooked? [Drum roll]

[Nora laughs] - Eh...

- Please pass the potatoes. - Here you go.

- Hey! You can't "pass" the potatoes

until you see their grades! Get it?

- Yeah, you gotta love those food puns, honey!

- Okay, if you guys are done discussing vegetables,

I've got some real news. D-Rock is playing their first

non-school gig. Open Mic Night at Smellie Nellies.

- Who's Mike? - Ah, mic as in microphone.

It's a talent show.

- Finally I'll be able to display my talents on an actual stage.

- You're going to play your armpit trumpet?

- No! I'm doing stand-up comedy. - I can tap dance!

- What are you gonna do, Lizzie? - Die from embarrassment.

- Yeah, get in line.

- So D-Rock is performing Friday?

Don't you have something to ask me?

- Do you want my mashed cauliflower? - How 'bout:

"Are you free Friday?"

'Cause I'm the lead singer of D-Rock?

- No, you made one guest appearance

and we've decided to go back to our, uh, manly rockin' roots,

you know, so... you're out.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well go ahead and play your "manly" music

'cause I'd rather sing with my new girl group anyway.

- What new girl group? - It's a trio!

Featuring me, myself and I.

[Laughs]

- You know, I would not drink that.

- Why? Derek hock a loogie in it?

- No, no, no! But you see, I don't want you snarfing

on your milk while you're laughing at my jokes!

- Oh, so you're, ah, "work- shopping" your material

on the comedy master, huh? Go for it.

- Okay. So, a guy goes to a doctor

and the doctor says, "You have appendicitis."

The guy says, "Well, I want a second opinion."

So the doctor says, "Okay. You stink too!"

[Laughing] - Yes. Yeah!

- Alright, so, guy goes to the doctor and the guy says,

"It hurts when I do this".

So the doctor says, "Well, don't do this!"

[Laughing loudly]

Alright, so the guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says...

- ...You again? [Laughing]

- Hey! Who's telling the jokes here?

- You are.

- Right. So, a guy goes to the doctor, right?

And the doctor says, "You're going to live 'til you're 70!"

The guy says, "I'm already 80."

And the doctor says, "You see? I was right!"

[Laughing]

- Edwin, please, please... No more.

I, I wanna drink my milk.

- Thanks, Dad! I'm here all week and, uh,

don't forget to tip your waitress!

[Laughing]

- Yeah! Ah, sweet solo, Ralph.

- Excellent guitar riff, D. - Deep bass, Sam.

- Thanks. - Who knew that practicing could pay off?

And what does our biggest fan think?

- Oh, so, you do care how I feel?

- What's wrong? You didn't like my tribute to pizza?

- "On my knees with double cheese, pepperoni if you please"?

- It's too cheesy, or...? - No offense, but...

I was hoping for a little something more emotional.

- Ha! D-Rock doesn't do emotion! We just flat-out rooock.

- Yeah, well, maybe your fans want to "flat out" know how you feel,

seeing as your biggest fan told you how she felt yesterday

and all she got was a "right back at ya" and a high five!

- What's she talking about? We didn't play yesterday.

- Probably something Derek did. - I didn't do anything.

- Yeah, and you didn't say anything either! And that's the problem!

- Sally!

[Mellow bass]

- I don't know what's worse.

That you didn't say what you should have said, or that you don't know what you didn't say!

- Right! Why don't you tell me what I did wrong and then I'll decide?

- You hurt my feelings yesterday.

When I told you how I felt and all you said was "right back at ya".

- Hey! You're forgetting about the high five, which was great!

Look,

you know I don't do well with the whole "talking about feelings" thing.

- Okay, well, it's like your music.

You can express your feelings about pizza.

- Uh-huh.

- Why don't you just try expressing your feelings about me?

Write me a song! - [Laughing]: No!

That's way too cheesy. - Well, fine.

I guess we're just going to have to sit here until

you can figure out how to tell me how you feel.

[Clock ticking] [Ding!]

- Ah, yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna, I'm gonna write a song.

- Oh, Derek! Really?

- ♪♪ Your smile shows your heart ♪

♪ Your eyes share your soul ♪

♪ Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We're two halves ♪

♪ That make a whole ♪♪

- Mmm. That was so beautiful!

- Thanks, Mom. I wrote it when I first fell for Max.

The tune just kinda came to me.

- Oh, gosh! The Open Mic night audience is gonna love it.

- Oh, this is not the song I'm singing for the open mic night.

It's just way too personal!

- But that's what I love about it.

- Thanks, Mom, but I just kinda wrote it for myself.

So, what you hear doesn't leave this room, okay?

- Okay. - You want to hear it again?!

- Okay. - Okay!

- So... [Casey singing]

So guy goes to a doctor, right? And the doctor says...

- Can I do my dance now? - That's not what the doctor said.

A guy goes to the doctor, right? And the guys says "Oh, no!

My ears are ringing. So the doctor says,

"Well, you better answer 'em."

[Laughing]

- Why does this guy go to the doctor so much?

- I think this guy is sick of Edwin's jokes.

- Hey! What is wrong with my jokes? Marti laughed.

- Marti laughs when you say "poopie".

- Hee! Hee! "Poopie"! [Sighs]

- Edwin, if you going to tell these jokes at open mic night,

you're gonna get laughed off stage. And not in a good way.

- Thank you, Lizzie. You've been a very honest audience.

- Marti, aren't you going to show me your dance?

- I'm afraid you'll be honest with me, too.

- ♪♪ Oh, I like the way you sneeze and your really...

♪ knobby knees ♪

♪ Oh, I like the way you smell when you call me on my cell ♪

♪ Oh, I like the way you laugh and you help me do my math ♪♪

[Laughing] - Hilarious!

- My song amuses you? - Was it not supposed to?

- No!

I'm supposed to write a sappy song about my...

feelings.

- Well, if it makes you feel any better, I mean,

your song is way funnier than my unfunny jokes.

- Oh, it doesn't, so, uh,

unless you can write a sappy song, why don't you get out?

- I could never write one of those, but I heard Casey did.

- Ah! - Casey wrote a sappy song?

- Mm-hmm. - Then I need a favour.

- Does this favour involve sneaking, stealing, and/or spying?

- Oh, all of the above. - I'm in.

♪♪♪

- Hey, Casey. - Hey!

- What're you doing here? - I'm signing up for Open Mic night.

I'm debuting my new solo act.

- Well, if you need any song-writing tips, you should talk to Derek.

- Talk to Derek? Why?

- Well, it's supposed to be a secret,

but your stepbrother wrote me the most beautiful song.

- Derek did?

- ♪♪ Your smile shows your heart ♪

♪ Your eyes share your soul ♪

♪ Whenever we're together... ♪

- [Gasps]: We're two halves that make a whole?

- Oh, so you heard it? Can you believe that Derek wrote that?

- No. I really can't. De-rek!

- Ca-sey! Sa-lly!

- How could you steal my song?

- Your song? - I didn't steal your song.

- Oh, of course you didn't. You probably had Edwin do it.

- Derek, yes or no, did you write that song for me?

- Sally, I can explain.

- [Laughing]: I think they call that, um... "just desserts"?

Ha! Ha!

- Alright! Who's ready to make some noise?

- Ah, I was thinking maybe we'd make a different kinda noise.

- What do you mean different?

- Uh, well, maybe Sally's got a good idea there, you know,

trying something more emotional like a ballad.

- Why would we do that?

- Does this have anything to do with that pie Sally smushed in your face?

- [Laughing]: Sally smushed a pie in your face?

- Yeah. - What kind was it?

- What's the difference? - Well, if it was something

fluffy like lemon meringue, it's really no big deal,

but if it was something like apple?

- Ooh! - You got problems.

- Hey, c'mon, guys. I got a situation here!

Can you just help me out?

- You really think that the band best known for its food tributes

can write a ballad? - Yeah!

I mean, how hard can it be?

Why is this so hard?!

Okay, we have been at this for an hour and all we've got is

"Baby, baby, baby"

- I thought it was gold. - We were better off writing about what we know.

Like pizza. - Pizza.

Good idea. Let's go get some. - Wait, wait, wait!

No! You guys can't leave! I mean, we haven't finished, or even started!

- Dude, sometimes you just gotta give up.

You taught us that. - Yep.

- Yeah, but I'm the D in D-Rock and D says we stay and keep working.

- Dude, you can't tell us what to do.

- Yeah, who do you think you are? My girlfriend? - No!

But, hey, think of all the presents you can buy your girlfriend

if we write a ballad and become the house band.

- No, Amanda already has the best present: dating me!

Oh, and that bagel slicer I got her for her birthday. That was sweet.

- All this talk about pizza and bagels is making me hungry.

- Do you wanna go to Amanda's and slice us up some pizza bagels?

- Let's do it up. - No, no! Guys, if you walk out that door, D-Rock is done.

- Like dinner? - Like dinner? I love dinner!

- Guys? - Later, bro. - Yeah, later.

[Knocking on door] - Well, if it isn't my favourite plagiarist.

So, you apologize to Sally yet?

- Hey, she's the one who should apologize. - For what?

- Uh, for wasting perfectly good pie? - Ugh!

- And you should apologize too. And then, get to work.

- I should apologize? To who? And get to work why?

- Uh, well, you need to help me write a new sensitive song

because you insensitively told her that I didn't write that other song,

and for that? You should apologize.

Okay, I need your help to write a song

because I don't speak... 'girl'!

- Derek.

I'm not writing a song about your feelings.

But obviously Sally means a lot to you,

so for her sake, I will help you write your own song.

- Ah... But I've got a better idea:

you write the song and then forget about the apology.

- Ahh!

- It is not uncommon for the adult bird

to make as many as 500... - You're watching a documentary?

- Yes. For I am a serious man who cares not for jokes.

- Since when? - Since I tried my material out on Michelle, okay!

My own girlfriend wouldn't even laugh at me!

It's all because your mean comments about my jokes de-funnied me!

- So, I'm the problem, not the jokes?

- Yes. [Door opening] - Hi, guys!

- Dad thought my jokes were hilarious! Tell her, Dad!

- Oh, yeah! This guy?

Yeah, this is the guy. This is the guy with the doctor, doctor and the funny, funny.

Ha, ha! Yeah-- you slay me! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- You don't like my jokes!

- Ah, well, your jokes are just a little old-fashioned.

- You know, this whole time, alright, I... I'm going around thinking that I'm this...

I'm this smart, good-looking, hilarious dude

and... and now I find out I'm only 2 of 3?

Guess I'm just going to have to get used to being unfunny.

Hey, how do you deal with it, Dad?

- Well, I ju-- hey!

I'm funny! Right, Nora?

- Yeah, sure! You're very funny.

Your puns are very... punny!

- Hurts, doesn't it, Dad?

- Well, if my puns aren't funny, then why do you laugh?

- Because I don't want to hurt your feelings. - Oh! Oh, well, well, listen,

I mean, you don't have to humour me anymore,

because the jokes stop here!

[Laughing]

Oh, so that's funny? - No, of course not.

- 'Cause I think I fell on the eggs. - George, stop! Wait!

Come on, George! Don't be so sensitive. - Now that is funny.

- I wouldn't know. - Edwin, you are funny.

You have great delivery, and timing, and if I was a doctor, I'd love your jokes.

But maybe you should write your own material.

You know, tell jokes about stuff you know. - Like this family?

- Sounds funny to me, but lay off the 'Lizzie' jokes, okay?

- No promises!

- Face it, I can't write a heartfelt song

because I'm totally heartless! - Derek, I think the reason

you can't do this is because you're doing something you shouldn't be doing.

- Working with you? - Thinking. It's never worked for you.

- Huh? - So stop thinking and start feeling. Close your eyes

and think about your feelings toward Sally. I'll write down how you feel.

- I feel...

totally ridiculous!

Hey, can you just write me a song?

I will pay you.

- Derek, if you don't express your feelings somehow,

Sally is never going to forgive you. I thought you cared about her!

- Of course I care about her! - Well, then tell me how she makes you feel!

- I don't know! All I know is, you know,

when she comes to my hockey games, I play harder, when we watch a movie, I laugh louder,

when we eat pizza, I mean, it tastes... better!

- Keep going. - Keep going where?

- You've just started writing your song.

[Plays hard rock]

- The sun is bright. But on me it rains.

The coffee spills. And on me it stains.

You stub your toe. I feel your pain.

[Polite applause]

- Now there goes someone who's not afraid

to express themselves. Our next performer

is a Venturi that I actually like.

The comedy stylings of Edwin! - Ehhh!

[Applause] - Hello, everybody.

It is great to...

- Why is he staring at us?

- I think he has stage fright.

[Heart pounding]

- I'd go up and help him, but I'm not funny either.

- Tell us some funny stories! - Lizzie, it's not polite to heckle.

- Like about your family! - That is some very specific heckling.

- My family? Uh... Okay, Um...

- Tell the raisin story!

- Okay, the raisin story. Ah, well, there's this time, Marti,

she tried to put a raisin up her nose

to see if it would fit, ah, but it got stuck.

Then to calm her down, and, uh, show her

that it wasn't worth going to the emergency room over, my dad

stuck a cherry pit in his nose. [Laughter]

Except, that got stuck too.

Ah, then, my step-mom Nora,

she comes home and she sees my dad and my sister, ah, with their fingers up their noses

and, well, she rolls up her sleeves and digs in.

[Laughter] Guys, the moral of the story is:

you cannot pick your families

but you can pick your family's noses.

[Laughter and applause]

You know my brother Derek, well, he's got a-- - Okay, thank you, Edwin.

That was hilarious! - Ah!

- But we really need to move on to our next act, which happens to be another Venturi!

- Finally! - Wait! - Oh, brother.

- Okay.

Well, it seems that a third Venturi has something to perform for you

and it was going to be 'D-Rock'--

- Still is D-Rock, right? - Right. Thanks, guys.

- Let's do it. - Let's rock this place! - Okay, I now present to you

D-Rock! [Cheers and applause]

- Ah, wait!

Uh, I... I... I can't do this.

This song's so embarrassing. You've gotta sing it. Please! - What?

- Please. - Oh, Derek!

Sally, I'm singing the song for Derek now. - Correction: that's 'C-D Rock'.

- This is a new song my stepbrother wrote for someone

he really cares about a lot. But I'm singing it,

because I have a way better voice. - Alright!

♪♪♪

- ♪♪ I'm laughing longer - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ I'm smiling stronger - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ All problems seem slight now - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ Everything seems bright now - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ For the first time I truly feel - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ That this is really real - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ Don't ever wanna be far apart - And I blame you ♪

- ♪ 'Cause you're the one who stole my heart - And I blame you ♪

♪ And I blame you And I blame you ♪

♪ Oh yeah, it's true ♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

- Rock 'n roll!

- Thank you, C-D Rock,

for such an amazing song.

It really meant a lot to me.

[Crowd goes "Aww"]

[Whooping]

- And last but not least, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

'Tap-dancing Marti!'

- Marti. You're on! - Yay!

[Applause]

- I didn't know Marti could tap dance. - Neither did I.

♪♪♪

[Cheers and whoops]

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc.

- I'm the man!

- It's not that funny!

- I can't go in. I can't go in there!

- Yeah, like the cooked goose at dinner--

Ha, ha, ha!

- "The jokes stop here." And then, bam,

he falls flat on his face!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0