Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- [PA]: Have a safe and happy holiday, everyone!

- Merry Christmas! - He's Jewish.

- Ooh! Ah, Happy Hanukah! ♪♪♪

- Merry Christmas! - Muslim.

- Hope you had a nice Ramadan!

Oh boy, I'm batting a thousand. Uh, well Em: Happy Kwanzaa.

- Thanks, Case! But I celebrate Christmas.

- Right, right! Yeah, I knew that.

- So are you psyched about your New York trip?

- Ah! Totally! I've got a whole list of things for Lizzie and I to do with Dad:

a carriage ride through Central Park,

a trip to the MOMA and the Met...

And I'm not even gonna think about my break-up

with the sweetest, best-looking guy in the school.

- C'mon, Case! Keep up that Christmas spirit!

- You know what, Em, you're right!

My Christmas spirit will not break because

I don't have to celebrate it with Derek!

- This is gonna be the best Derekus ever.

- Totally! What's Derekus?

- Derekus. It's like Christmas only better

and it all starts this holiday season.

- But this holiday season you're coming to my Grandma's in Florida.

- Exactly. Sun, sand, girls in bikinis.

That is what Derekus is all about.

- I'm down with that holiday. Merry Derekus, buddy.

- Merry Derekus, Ralph! Ai-yi-yi!

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

celebrate peace and love;

it's a time to give. Well, unless you're Derek,

in which case it's a time to celebrate yourself.

Which is pretty much what he does all year long.

- Edwin! Marti! - Yes, Dad?

- What are you doing behind the curtains?

- Christmas present hunting. - Oh yeah? And how goes the hunt?

- Well, you are getting better at this, Dad.

Usually I have it all figured out weeks before Christmas.

Now gimme the keys to your car.

- They're not in the trunk, Ed. ♪♪♪

- What's up, Daddy?

- Your mother called. Now, she's been invited to go skiing at Mont Tremblant

and she wanted to know if you two are interested-- - [Both]: Yeah!

- Okay, but there's one drawback.

You'd leave tomorrow so you won't be celebrating Christmas with Nora and me.

- Oh, that's a drag.

Can I have my present now? - Yeah, me too!

- Guys, Christmas isn't just about presents.

- That's a good one, Dad.

- Yeah, you're a real joker, Daddy.

[Laughing]

- We won't have any kids for the holidays?

What kind of Christmas is that?

- The best Christmas ever!

Okay, okay, maybe not the best Christmas,

but it can be the most romantic Christmas. Come on, Nora!

- But George, Valentine's Day is supposed to be romantic, not Christmas!

Christmas is a family time where you get completely stressed out

cooking massive turkeys and trimming trees

and wrapping presents at midnight.

- Exactly! And we won't have any of that stress.

Listen, we can make a fancy dinner - just for two

because who needs turkey when you can have...

quail?

- A Christmas quail?

- Oh yeah! - For two? - Yeah.

- I guess that could be festive. - Oh ho ho!

Edwin, Marti!

Your ride to Toronto's gonna be here any second!

- Roger that, Daddio!

I'm all packed.

- Okay. Marti.

- You only packed stuffed animals.

- My friends love skiing.

- Alrighty, Dad!

I'm ready to hit the slopes.

- Edwin, get a suitcase. - Ah, but they're all taken.

- Well, then take your little sister upstairs and put some of her clothes in your suitcase.

- C'mon, Smarti. - Hurry!

- I'm not going to put my clothes in the garbage!

- What are you looking for? - Your passports.

I hid them for safekeeping and I can't remember where!

- You can't find our passports? [Honking outside] - No!

- Taxi's here! What do we do?

- Okay, Mom. Visualize. You've got the passports in your hand

and you put them...? - In the box at the top of the broom cupboard.

- That's it!

- How did you know that?

- Christmas present hunting. - Well, thank you.

- We'll be right there!

- Found them!

- Ah, Merry Christmas you two!

- Merry Christmas, Mom! - Ah!

And you!

And you! Give me a hug and a kiss.

Ahh! I'm gonna miss you guys!

- Liz, we're going to New York! - [Nora]: Wha...!

- Florida, here I come!

- Derek, you...

You can't travel on Canadian highways in the wintertime dressed like that!

- Right as ever Nora.

- [George]: Bye, guys! Call us when you get there!

Okay, Derek!

Have a great Holiday, son.

- You too, Dad. And I will catch some rays for you.

- Merry Christmas, Derek. - Merry Derekus, Nora!

- Merry Derekus. - Ah, ha, ha! [Honking]

Peace out!

- Ah! I thought they'd never leave!

- Now, that's the spirit.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Doorbell]

- Oh! Wonder who that could be? - Uh! I don't know.

Don't go anywhere! - I won't, mistletoe boy.

- Aunt Madge?

- You still haven't got a haircut, George!

- Aunt Madge, what are you doing here?

- Oh, I'm visiting my favourite nephew and his family of course.

- Okay. Let me get the door. - There we go! Thank you, dear.

And you are...?

- Uh, I'm Nora. I live here.

- Nora is my wife, Aunt Madge.

- Oh, goodness. What happened to Abby?

- Well, Abby and I, we got divorced

a few years ago and I married Nora.

- Oh, well, my goodness! If you'd invited me to the wedding I would have known all that...

- Oh... - Now wouldn't I? - Yes. Well, that wedding?

The wedding, it was very small. - Aunt Madge, it's a pleasure to meet you.

- Now, you did get the letter telling you I was coming, didn't you?

The one I tucked into the fruitcake? - Oh yes, yes, yes!

- Yes. - Yes, of course. - Oh, yes.

- Yeah. Well, usually, you know, I visit George's brother in Winnipeg, but...

he is so boring.

- Oh, no kidding! He really is, isn't he?

Ah... Aunt Madge, would you like some tea?

- Oh don't bother, dear!

Unless of course you're getting yourself some, anyway,

in which case I'd love some orange pekoe steeped for 2 minutes with a little milk.

- Got it!

- Oh, I could just eat you up!

Nora seems very sweet.

Although I always liked Abby.

But then I suppose you were lucky to find a wife at all

when you already had 3 children.

- Yes, I guess I was.

- Speaking of the children, where are they?

- I'm afraid the children are away this Christmas.

- Well, what's Christmas without children?

- Relaxing?

♪♪♪

- I don't know, maybe I could find a flight to Winnipeg after all.

- What? No! Really?

Oh... well, if that's what you want.

- We wouldn't hear of it.

George and I were just saying how lonely it would be with just the two of us.

Weren't we, George?

- Yes, we were. So, Aunt Madge, please, please stay.

- Alright.

- I don't know about this, George.

- I know Aunt Madge is a bit odd.

- No, no, no, honey, I'm, I'm talking about the weather. It's getting worse and worse.

- Just looks bad from the window. I'll check outside.

Holy macaroni! - [Edwin]: Hey!

- What, what are you guys doin' home?

- Huge bummer. - [Nora]: Whoo!

- Mom's friend? Huge chicken on the highway. Huh!

And it wasn't even that bad.

- This is great, though!

I mean, now you get to spend Christmas with me and Nora!

- Yeah! - And your Aunt Madge. - Aunt Madge?!

- Who's Aunt Madge? - She's...

the cheek pincher!

Hi, Aunt Madge. We're back.

- Children! How wonderful!

My goodness, are you really little Edwin?

Your voice has dropped right down to the basement.

Ah! And you have whiskers!

And you must be baby Marti.

- Yes I must be. - Oh! Do you know the last time I saw you

you were being potty trained and having accidents all over the house!

- I don't do that anymore. - Oh, you're so cute.

I'm just sorry to be missing Derek.

Tell me, what's it like to have such a wonderful older brother?

- I have no idea.

- Oh you... - No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh, are you a real person?

Finally! My two daughters are supposed to be on a flight to New York and...

And Happy Holidays!

You're back!

Ye - ea - eah! You're back!

- We never left. - [George]: What?

- We sat on the runway for 2 hours until they finally cancelled our flight.

- Well, at least we can spend Christmas together!

Edwin and Marti got back just a little while ago

and George's Aunt Madge is here, as well.

How great is that?

- [Both]: Ahhhhh!

- I am so sorry about that!

Mom! When did my room become the guest room?

- Well, Casey, it's the nicest room and I wasn't expecting you to be home.

- Well, put her in Derek's room! He's not here and she's his aunt!

- Darling, the bed was already made, so can't you just be a good sport?

- No! You know the only good thing about this Christmas is that it's still Derek-free!

- I'm home! ♪♪♪

- I was worried Ralph's car had gone into the ditch or something.

- It did. And the tow truck refused to tow us to Florida.

- Hey bro! You're back.

And, uh, better cover your cheeks.

- Uh, we have a special guest. - [Madge]: Derek. - Aunt Madge!

No, no, not the cheek.

- Well, look at you.

What happened to the pudgy little boy I remember?

- I was never pudgy. - Oh, yes you were.

- Well, Derek, you were the missing link.

Now the whole family can celebrate Christmas together.

- Sorry Aunt Madge, I'm really not in the mood.

So I'll take my turkey outside my bedroom door.

And, uh, Aunt Madge?

Good, good to see you.

- What happened to my darling little Derek?

- He turned into a teenager.

[Door closing]

- Uh, you know that this is my bed, right?

- Liz, there's an aunt in my bed.

- Well, this is my room! You take the cot.

- Oh! Okay.

It's just, I've really had a hard time sleeping

since I broke up with you-know-who.

- I thought you were over that.

- Oh, I was just trying to make it through the Holidays without thinking about him but,

it's all come rushing back in a wave of despair.

- Fine, I'll take the cot. - Thanks, Liz.

- By the way... Derek's back.

- What?

- Can I help with the turkey?

- No turkey. Quail.

- Well! How unusual.

Oh, while we're waiting for this delicious quail,

perhaps we could trim the tree?

- Well, actually, since the kids were going to be away this year,

we... didn't get a tree.

- Oh!

- Okay! We're gonna build a Christmas tree!

- Dad, why would we build a tree

when we could buy a perfectly good fake one in a store?

- Ed! Cuz this is way more fun!

And stores are closed. - Uh huh.

- Poor little quails. How could you, Mom?

- Well, I didn't go out and shoot them!

- Don't you have anything else?

- Huh! Yeah, freezer frost!

Oh! Chicken wings!

Chickens are just like mini-turkeys, right?

- Poor little chickens...

- Yeah, I know, Lizzie, but we've gotta whip up a feast for 8 somehow.

Oh, hey! Stale croutons!

We can make stuffing for the chicken wings and, uh,

pretend the strawberry jam is cranberry jelly!

- Or try and pretend this whole holiday never happened.

- Ah, c'mon, grumps! Get it together!

It's Christmas Eve!

[Deck the Halls]

- Thanks, Edwin!

Now, if we hang a few more branches on the left side, it might actually stand up.

- You know what, Dad? Forget the tree.

We'll hang Marti's paper chains. We'll eat. We'll open presents. Huh?

- Edwin, sit down. - Why?

What did you do?

- The reason you couldn't find the hiding spot for the presents this year

is because the presents are still in the store.

- What? - Mm-hm.

This year we thought we'd shop on Boxing Day!

And that way the presents would be cheaper, huh? And they'd be extra good!

And, and you would never be able to find them!

- No presents?

- No presents?

- No presents?

- Oh, come on, everyone! Christmas isn't about presents.

It's about joy, peace and good will.

- You've got to be kidding me.

- Mom, we're kids and it's Christmas.

There has to be presents! It's in the parenting contract! - Mm hm.

- Dad, this is simply unacceptable!

- Now that's enough! You know what you all need?

- A magic carpet to Manhattan? - A turkey?

- Some Christmas spirit? - [Edwin]: Presents?

- What you all need is Derek.

- Now, Casey dear, would you mind running up and asking him to come down?

- Aunt Madge, I'm the last person in the world

who could convince Derek to do something he doesn't want to do.

- Yes, well perhaps you could give it a try?

Just for me? Your Aunt Madge?

- Okay.

Derek!

- I can't hear you. I'm on the beach.

- Stop being a party pooper and come downstairs.

- Hey! I decide which parties I poop

and which parties I don't poop!

And I definitely poop this party!

- Derek, it is Christmas Eve! So get your selfish butt off your bed

and come celebrate with your family!

- I celebrate Derekus!

And, sadly, this year it's been cancelled.

- Only you would celebrate a holiday named after yourself!

You don't see me celebrating Casey-us!

- Casey, leave right now, or I'll be forced to be mean.

- Well, do your worst, 'cuz I am not leaving until you agree to join us.

- Fine. The reason you don't celebrate Caseyus

is because you have nothing to celebrate!

You're not in New York and you definitely don't have a boyfriend.

- Oh...

That really is mean. - I warned you.

- Goodnight, everyone. Sorry I couldn't get Derek to come down.

- Wait, you're going to bed already?

- Yeah, I think I will too.

Once I set up the stupid cot.

- I'm gonna go take a bath. Unless there's no hot water either!

- You're all going? Where's your Christmas spirit? - Huh?

- Does that mean that Santa's not going to come?

- Oh, of course Santa's coming, dear.

And so is Christmas.

[Knocking]

- Go away Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Casey.

- It's only me.

So this is what a teenage boy's room looks like. Hm, hm, hm.

Well it's such a shame that when I finally come to visit

you're hiding way up here.

I was particularly looking forward to seeing you.

- Look, it's cool you're here.

I just don't want to do Christmas Eve.

- You know, when you were a little boy, Derek,

you were such a handful!

But you always kept everyone entertained.

You have a gift, my dear,

and I'm hoping you'll choose to share that gift with your family tonight.

'Cuz I have a feeling if you don't want Christmas to happen this year, it won't. For anyone.

- Well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

- Well, maybe you're right.

Oh, I'll just go back to my lonely apartment in Ottawa,

I guess, and wait until next Christmas

to have a real family Christmas.

Course, that's if I'm not in a home and I still have my health.

- Aunt Madge, not going on your guilt trip.

But nice try! I mean, you really haven't lost your touch.

- Well, apparently I have.

- So, ah... This Christmas thing's really important to you?

- Yes, it really is.

- Then I'm in.

But there is still a problem.

I don't celebrate Christmas, I celebrate Derekus!

- Well, then that will just have to do.

- Ah, no, no! Ah, no cheeks!

Up and at 'em you two.

- But I've got the holiday blues.

- Oh get over yourself! We got some rehearsing to do. - Rehearsing?

- Rehearsing what? - The show we're gonna put on for Aunt Madge.

- Wow. How'd she get you to do that?

- She just asked.

Announcing the celebration of the festival of Derekus!

And, in honour of our special guest, Aunt Madge,

we will be telling the story of how the Venturis

and the McDonalds came together.

Featuring the Derekus Players!

Now, our tale begins with a guy named George.

Poor George was oh so lonely. - [Madge]: Ahh.

- I'm oh so lonely.

- [Madge]: Poor George. - I wish I could meet the love of my life.

- But then one day...

Lonely George met the love of his life, at a party.

♪♪♪

- Be still my beating heart.

- So, lonely George took his heart in his hand.

- Nora, will you marry me?

- Sure! Why not. - Yes! Yes!

- I'll tell her why not! Because she hadn't told her own children!

- I'm Casey. I like Toronto

and I don't want to go and live with George and his weirdo kids.

- Meanwhile in London, Ontario, little Marti was ticked off, too!

- Forget it, Daddy! Five kids in one house? That's way too many!

I'm the only girl and I like it that way.

- But George and Nora didn't care what their kids thought.

No! They got married anyway.

And now there are 5 kids

and they actually get along pretty well.

- Uh, except for Casey and Derek.

- Except for Casey and Derek. - Oh!

- [George]: Thanks, guys!

- Thank you, Derek.

- Oh, oh, oh! It's not over yet, Aunt Madge!

You must join me in the Derekus dance!

Everybody, get a hat on!

♪♪♪

Ha, ha!

And they're not so sad any more!

[Doorbell] - Hey! I think I hear bells.

[Doorbell]

Hi! - [Edwin]: Alright!

- Merry Derekus!

Behold the feast of Derekus!

- You found a Chinese restaurant that delivers in a snowstorm?

- Anything's possible on Derekus!

Especially when the delivery guy's got four-wheel drive.

- [Edwin]: Ah, yeah! [All laughing]

♪♪♪

- He's not here, she's in the...

- You know that's my bed, right? Stop laughing...

[Giggling] - Ahhh!

- Cut! - Is there a Derekus dance or anything?

- And it all starts this holiday season.

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0