Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Casey is a very hard worker. - [Nora]: Ohhh!

- She participates and... - Ah-ha...

- She's a positive influence. I could go on.

- No, that won't be necess-- - Mom! Let her finish!

- Ah... okay, ah, Casey is never late. - Ah hem.

- I mean she's always early.

Derek is always late. - That means I'm consistent.

- He's always talking in class.

- That means I participate.

- To the female students.

- That means I'm developing social skills.

- Derek, I think Senora's saying that you're being disruptive.

- Dad, don't put words in her mouth.

- Like your Senora Sanchez sock puppet?

- Como esta, Georgio?

- Not good Derek. Just like these essays.

- Still playing with sock puppets, Derek?

- Mom!

- Hello, kid. - Hey, Abby. - Hi.

I didn't know you'd be in town. - I wouldn't miss parent teacher night.

Or as I like to call it: 'D-Day'.

- Ah-ha-ha! Funny! See?

At least I have one parent with a sense of humor.

- Oh, well forgive me for not seeing the humor in failing Spanish.

- Oh, Derek, no.

- Si.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Being an overachiever can be tough.

Always having to do your best, to study hard.

But for underachievers like Derek, all play and no work?

It catches up with you eventually.

- I'm just too angry to talk. You start Abby.

- I'm so disappointed I don't know what to say. Nora?

- Yeah, uh... I thought I was just here for back up.

- Fine, I'll start. - [Both]: No!

- Would anyone like some tea? - Ohhh! Good idea, I'll get it.

- You sit!

- Your mother drives all the way from Toronto to tell you that she has finished her thesis

and is now a PhD...

- You did? You the Mom!

- Thanks, honey, but you're not changing the subject that easily.

- Good catch, Abby. - Thanks, George.

- See, why can't you guys not get along like normal, divorced parents?

- This isn't about us, alright?

This is about you being too lazy to study!

- Look, I am only failing one subject.

For me that's progress.

- [George]: You failed naptime?

- [Mom]: You failed recess? - And now Spanish.

- Do you know how hard it is being your son? A do-gooder lawyer.

A PhD in Marine Biology?

Maybe the pressure of living up to you guys is...

really getting to me.

♪♪♪

[Laughing]

Fine! But this isn't my fault!

See, Senora Sanchez is a muy tough marker.

- Nice try, son, but I saw Casey's grade.

And we're just getting a little bit tired of your excuses.

- Look, I spoke with Senora Sanchez

and she's willing to let you write a make-up assignment.

And if you don't get a better grade,

we will re-visit that discussion about you know what.

- Not... private school!

- [George]: And not just any private school...

an all-boys private school.

♪♪♪

- Oh ho!

Doing homework on parent-teacher night?

No wonder I'm in trouble!

- It's not homework! Mister Lange offered me

a weekly poetry column in the school newspaper. - For money?

- No. - Extra credit? - No.

- Typical! I mean would it kill you to not do so well? - Yes. Why?

- Because you are ruining the grading curve in this house. My lousy Spanish mark

wouldn't have been such a big deal if you weren't here!

- Oh, so it's my fault you're failing Spanish? - Yes!

And thanks to you, my parents might be sending me

to private school!

- What? That is so unfair!

- I know! - When I wanted to go to private school there wasn't money!

- Huh?

Well, too bad you're not the problem child.

- Try doing your own work, for once.

- Now you're calling me lazy. - Actually, no!

Because a lazy person wouldn't spend all night tying my laundry together

to make a huge charm bracelet!

- The trick is to double knot the socks.

- Stop wasting your time pranking me and do some work!

- I'm sorry, did you say something?

I was thinking about moving all your furniture into the backyard.

♪♪♪

- Oh, Nora, I feel terrible about Derek.

I've been so concentrated on my own studies,

I've completely neglected his.

- You've been finishing up your doctorate in Toronto

and you've been driving back and forth every weekend

and as much as Derek and Edwin and Marti miss you,

they're even more proud of you.

- You're not gonna let me feel guilty are you? - No.

- My kids are really lucky to have a step-mom like you.

- Yeah and I'm pretty lucky, too.

- But Derek's luck is about to run out.

- [Derek]: Dad how long are you gonna stand there?

- Until you finish that Spanish assignment!

- But I'm hungry.

- Here...

Have a mint.

- Dad!

- Don't be so hard on Derek, Dad.

Not everyone gets good grades like Casey and I.

- Well, what about me?

I get good grades.

- Yeah, well, not as good as mine.

Read 'em and weep. - Nobody's reading or weeping.

Look, I don't care what grades you get.

- [Derek]: Then why am I in here?

- Because you're failing Spanish!

Look, I don't want you 2 competing over grades,

so just keep your marks to yourselves, alright?

- [Both]: Okay.

♪♪♪

- Going somewhere?

- Apparently not.

- Derek! Spanish - now!

- Okay, Dad. I'm ready to work, really!

- I'm awake!

- [Casey]: Stop wasting your time pranking me

and do some work!

Stop wasting your time working and start pranking me!

- Good advice, Case.

- [Edwin]: This clue's hard.

Even for me.

- The crossword puzzle?

Isn't that for old people?

- Brainiacs like me need to be challenged.

You wouldn't understand 'cuz your grades aren't as good as mine.

- You peeked?

- Of course. You wanna read the comics?

♪♪♪

- This crossword's in Mom's handwriting.

- So, my parents were all

que pasa about me failing Spanish, so...

- Hello Derek.

- Mom! I'm mean, ah, Abby!

- Would you excuse me for a sec?

- What are you doing here?

Parent-teacher night does not extend into the next day!

- Oh, but operation crackdown does.

I'll save you a seat in Spanish!

[Bell ringing]

- [Sanchez]: Okay, class, so now that you have taken the notes

for the verb of hacer "to have",

you must remember to conjugate

in the present, the past and the future.

It's muy importante... - Senora Sanchez?

- Si Derek? - May I please be expelled?

- Come on, Mom. - I am not your Mother!

But you might want to call her after I'm through with you.

- Oh! Your poetry column came out.

Let's see...

Ooh! Stinky Feet.

A haiku by Casey McDonald.

"My feet are stinky

foot spray deodorizes

Foul odour remains" Deep stuff, Case.

- You're the one in deep stuff, Derek.

I can't believe you did this! Hey! Hey!

Don't you dare walk away from me, mister!

Of all the mean things you've done, this is by far, the worst!

Okay, at least in the top ten!

Way worse than the time you replaced my shampoo with syrup!

Or the time you put gum in every single pair of my shoes.

Or the time you dipped my cell phone in pudding.

- Mayonnaise, actually.

- [George]: Derek! We'd like to discuss your Spanish assignment.

♪♪♪

- Hey, Mom! Home from school already.

Shouldn't you be, ah, planting a wiretap in my locker?

- [George]: Shouldn't you be quiet?

- [Mom]: I just spoke to Senora Sanchez. You didn't hand in your assignment.

- I got a little distracted.

- Yeah, yeah! By re-writing my poem!

- "Stinky Feet"!

- So instead of doing your Spanish assignment you ruined Casey's poem!

- Ruined it?

That haiku is comedy gold

and hacking into Casey's computer took a lot of effort.

- And I couldn't help myself. - [George]: We know.

Which is why we've decided you need to be someplace

where you won't be so... distracted.

- Nnn! You can't send me to private school!

Look, I'll do better in Spanish! I'll leave Casey alone!

In fact, if you want, I'll never speak to her again.

- Derek, before I finished my PhD,

I was offered a fellowship to do research in Spain

for 6 months.

I didn't really consider it until all of this happened.

- We think you should go with your Mother.

- [Derek]: Wait...

You're punishing me by taking me to Spain?

- You're taking him to Spain?

- ♪ La Cucaracha ♪

♪ La Cucaracha ♪

Nachos-Venturi, hot outta the microwave.

A little taste of, ah, Spain for my Canadian family.

- Actually, nachos are Mexican.

- Who cares? Pass 'em here!

- Here, Marti, dig in!

- [Lizzie]: I think she's mad you're going away.

- Smarti? You're gonna come and visit.

We're gonna talk on the phone all the time.

- Wow! I still can't believe you're kicking Derek

outta the country for messing up Casey's poem.

Tough love.

- I can't believe you're sending Derek to Spain for failing Spanish!

So if I fail French you'll send me to France?

- Where do you go if you fail gym? - Look, Look...

This is not a punishment, or-or a trip. It's just a chance for Derek to

focus on his studies without distractions.

- Uh, yeah! Focus, right.

So, uh... How do you say "Hey, baby" in Spanish?

Kidding.

♪♪♪

Dude, you shoulda seen the tears when I told the girls here

I was leaving. I'm all like:

"Chillz, I'm going to Spain, not space".

- Yeah! I mean, 6 months is a long time.

- I know... but Spain!

- So you studying your Spanish?

- Why start now?

- 'Cuz to hit on Spanish girls, it'll help if they understand you.

- You think? - Yeah.

- Maybe I should learn a few phrases... but Spain!

- Mmm. And hanging with your Mom? That'll be cool too.

- Ah, totally.

'Cept she'll probably be on me to study all the time.

- Yeah, but Spain!

- Yeah... Spain.

- You know, I'm really gonna miss you man.

So, um... can I have your locker?

- Touching, dude.

Caliente is hot.

Chica is girl.

It is like every word is different!

Hey, if isn't my, ah...

Hermana!

What's the good word?

Still giving me the silent treatment.

If only you'd follow her lead.

- Good one, Derek.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I'm recovering your chair while you're gone, uh...

but don't worry! I'll uncover it when you're back.

- And here. You'll wanna pack in the TV watching now

'cuz they probably won't have your shows in Spain.

- Yeah. But we'd be happy to tape stuff for you while you're gone.

- You'd be happy?

- [All pleading]: Don't go. We're gonna miss you so much.

We love you bro. Don't leave us Derek! Bye Derek!

We love you!

Yeah!

Aw... Don't go. We're gonna miss you.

We love you bro. Don't leave us Derek!

- Ow!

- I'm sorry. Next time I come into my room I'll knock.

- Well, I'm sorry but if my reno plans are gonna be done the day you leave,

I've gotta get started ASAP.

- Oh, yeah! Course ya' do.

Oh, can I see your floor plan? - Hm. Sure.

♪♪♪

I'm sensing you're upset. Would you like to talk about it?

- No.

But... this Spanish trip isn't turning out to be the vacation I hoped.

I have to learn the language

and leave all my friends and stuff behind.

- You mean like your leather jacket?

'Cuz if you're not taking it to Spain with you... can I have it?

- What?

I figured since you're not going to be here to boss me around,

maybe wearing your jacket while you're gone

will inspire me to act more like you?

- Yeah, that's creepy, but sure.

- Thanks, bro!

Ah, you don't mind if I have the sleeves taken up, do you?

Ahhh!

- [Derek]: And stay out while I'm gone!

- Derek mad at you, huh?

- Oh, nah, just some brother bonding.

You wouldn't understand 'cuz you're not as smart as me.

- Really? 'Cuz I snuck a peek at your report card.

- How could you?

So you know I did worse than you in every subject.

- You did! Just as I suspected!

- So, you didn't sneak a peek?

Very sneaky!

- No, very smart.

- You don't have to rub it in!

- Smarti, you in there?

Still not talking to me, huh?

Alright! I'm coming in there.

Wow! You got a nice place here.

Mom told me you were upset about us going to Spain.

And to be honest, I am, too.

I'm gonna miss you.

And Lizzie and Edwin

and Nora and Dad.

Maybe even Casey.

But that's just between us, right?

I think you're the only one in this house who doesn't want me to go.

- Oh! There he is! There he is! Ahhh!

- What's going on? - It's an Adios Derek Roast!

Featuring your host with the most,

Edwin Venturi!

- Yeah!

- A... what now?

- A roast! It's where we make fun of you 'cuz we like you.

- Ha ah ah! - It was Edwin's idea.

And he's not the smartest!

- But I do know funny!

So sit down and get ready to laugh!

[Recorded laughter]

First up is the step-mom we all know and love:

Nora! - Yeah! Nora!

- Well, having a stepson like Derek

has been a real eye-opener.

And a nose-plugger. Pee-ew!

[Recorded laughter] His room is toxic.

- Having a stepbrother like Derek

has made my Mom very happy.

'Cuz I've been scared off boys for an extra 5 years!

[Recorded laughter] - High five.

- Derek is quite the writer. When he was 6,

he wrote in crayon all over the walls

"Edwin was here." Then he put the crayon in his little brother's hand.

Pretty clever, except Edwin couldn't write at the time.

- You know, you couldn't ask for a better brother than Derek.

- Aww! - Okay, I did ask, but Dad and Nora said no!

[Recorded laughter]

And Derek is so lazy!

- [Others]: How lazy is he?

- He's so lazy he makes me noogie myself!

[Tape unravels in machine] But, seriously, folks!

- My turn! My turn! - Go ahead.

- I liked it when Derek put pickles all over

Casey's pillow and called it dill pillow!

- [George]: That's sweet. - Marti speaks.

- Don't go, Smerek.

- Come on! Let's lighten up, you know? Less honey, more funny?

- [Casey]: Yeah, yeah, take a seat, comedy boy!

Because I have enough material

to last for the next 6 months Derek'll be gone. - Oh, no!

- Oh, yes. But, um...

Seeing all of us here, together,

makes me realize that

as tough as living with Derek can be, maybe...

maybe we will really miss him and maybe I'm gonna...

- Oh! No, no, no! [Ding! Dong!]

- Hey, I said: "Stick with the funny!" - I'll get it!

- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. - [Edwin]: Hey Mom!

- Oh, no, no! You're ah, just on time.

Now can I talk to you alone for a second?

- Oh, but I have some great stuff about when you picked your nose

at your piano recital. Hi everyone!

- [George]: Hey Abby! - Hi Mommy!

- Yeah, just a minute!

Mom, if I told you...

I didn't wanna go to Spain...

What would you say?

- Uh, well...

I would say "Why?"

- Well somebody's gotta make sure that Edwin doesn't get any weirder

and that Marti, you know,

doesn't turn into a keener like Casey.

- And you'll miss everybody.

- I'm sorry Mom.

- Oh, don't be!

I feel guilty because I haven't been around enough

and then you failed Spanish,

so taking you to Spain seemed to make sense.

But your family needs you

and it sounds like you need them, too.

- No, no! Just, ah...

Just used to them. That's all!

- Yeah, I get it. Though we will have to solve your Spanish problem.

- Oh! Course we will!

- Let's go tell everybody the good news.

- Thanks, Mom.

- What! I said I'd miss him! I don't want him to stay!

I've got some major zingers in here, guys!

- Welcome home, bro! - Ahhhh!

- Welcome home? He never left!

- Whoa! - And I'm glad he didn't!

- Me too!

- Hey! Hey! There is no hugging at a roast!

Only insults and I've got some doozies!

Derek's hygiene is so bad... - [Derek]: Ah, look at Marti!

- Oooohhhhh! [Giggling]

Don't you want to hear how bad it is?

- Group hug! - [All]: Oh!

- [Derek]: Oh, I'm losing you Marti! Oh!

- Here. I'd wait for you to open it,

but I'm off to be tormented

I mean tutored by Senora Sanchez.

- Wait! What is it?

- It's an advance copy of the school paper

and my way of saying I'm sorry for messing up your poem.

- You had my real poem published!

Thank you, Derek.

- You're welcome. Oh, and I made my own little contribution

to your poetry column.

- You did?

"Casey's Feet Reek".

A sequel to "Stinky Feet" By Derek Venturi?!

- What can I say? I'm a poet and the world needs to know it.

- Der-ek!

- [Sanchez]: Derek! You're late for tutor time!

[Speaking in Spanish]

Did you do those exercises?

- Adios, Derek.

♪♪♪

- I don't know why we're laughing.

- You are ruining the grading curve in this house!

Senora Sanchez is a very, muy, tough "markerino"!

- Derek!

- No! - Oh! Sorry!

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

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