Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- An excellent dinner, G-Vent.

The perfect balance of macaroni and cheese.

- What do you want E-Vent?

- As you know I am turning 13 soon

and that is a big cause for celebration.

- We've already discussed this. You can't have a bar mitzvah 'cuz you're not Jewish.

- Fine. Well, then...

How 'bout a regular party with regular presents?

- Ed, your birthday's not for another 3 months.

- And if anybody should be having a party, it should be me!

- We didn't throw you a birthday party this year?

- Remember, you were partied out from your wedding?

- Oh! - Oh yeah. I'm sorry, kiddo.

- Well, why don't you throw an 'Early for Ed,

Late for Liz' joint birthday party?

- Works for me. - Yeah! Par-tay!

- Oooh, Liz! Your first mixed party!

That would be so fun!

- Oh, it'll be great as long as I'm not invited.

- Well, I'm in if Nora's in. - I'm in.

- Ah, sweet!

Some of your friends are q-t's.

♪♪♪

- Maybe this isn't a good idea...

- You guys do know what you're up against here, right?

I mean, 'tweens are a tough crowd.

- Oh c'mon. I think we can plan a kid's party.

- Yeah! Loot bags, streamers.

- Mom, we're cooler than that. - What's a "'tween"?

- A 'tween is a freaky, stinky

half-teen, half-kid mutant.

[Roaring]

- We're having a mutant party? Cool!

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

hey play tag or pull each other's hair.

Pre-teens? Shy and cautious.

But teenagers?

Far more mature and honest about our feelings.

- Looking for anyone special?

- Huh? No, no! Um, hi Kendra.

- 'Cuz I heard you've developed a sudden interest in football?

Especially the quarterback.

- Derek told you Max has been calling?

- Yeah. So, c'mon, what's the deal with you and 'Maximus-Hotteus'?

- I dunno. We haven't gone out, but I think he kinda likes me, so I have to be extra careful.

- Of what?

- I have this habit of embarrassing myself around guys I like.

- Hi.

- Max! Hi, umm... You know Kendra.

- 'Course. Um, so you coming to the football game Saturday?

- Are you kidding? I love football.

- Great. I'll see ya' there. After the game, we'll hang out.

- He asked you out!

- I know! This is a disaster!

- Okay, ya' lost me. - Think about it.

I meet Max after the game.

Max has played football, I've watched him play football.

Football's bound to come up in conversation.

I know nothing about football.

- So? Just say, 'great game' if they win and terrible game' if they lose.

- Please, I can't fake it. He'll find out I don't know my kick-ups from my touch-ons!

- Um, you mean kickoffs and touchdowns.

- You know about football? Teach me!

- Oh, that's all I know, but you do live with a sports nut.

- Derek? That's totally nuts! He would never help me!

- Oh, I think he would. If I told him to.

- Ahhh! Wait'll you hear our party pitches

cuz we are all over this 'tween-party-scene!

- Yeah! Our first par-tay concept is called...

"L and M": lunch and a movie.

- Ah, which movie?

- The one with the talking dump truck. - Mud-mouth!

- Perfect for your age and only 88 minutes, leaving plenty of pizza time.

- Good try, but I already saw that movie at Jeremy's party.

- And pizza's so played out.

You know, some originality would be good.

- You want originality?

Then you are going to love par-tay concept numero du-ay.

Bow and ling.

- Oh, yeah! Some five-pin action,

burgers, dogs, fries!

- Bowling parties are great! Which is why...

Sandy Chang had one last month.

- Yeah, not as good as Zach's paintball party.

- Or Suzie's laser tag party! - We'll never keep up with the Joneses.

- Oh, you mean Teddy Jones?

Yeah, his party was at a Maple Leafs game!

- Guys, this is not a competition!

- Ah, ha, yeah it is!

Kids are judged on the quality of their birthday parties.

So, ah, what else ya' got?

- Ah... Oooh, I've got it! A dance party! Right here.

- Well, I am a very good dancer.

- I haven't been to any dance birthday parties yet.

- Well, then we have a winner! - Fabulous!

- And Lizzie can save the last dance

for a certain someone whose name rhymes with shmamie.

- Too bad you'll be dancing with a limp!

- Eep.

- You are so obnoxious. Come back here and face the music!

- Studying the sports section.

You can suck the fun out of anything.

- I was trying to learn about football.

- Yeah I heard.

So get your pencil out 'cuz class is in session.

- Kendra convinced you to help me?

- You try saying no after 20 minutes of: Der-bear? Der-bear, please, please Der-bear...

- Okay. I get it.

- 'Kay, let's get this over with. Let's start with the quarterback.

- Oooh! - Question? Yeah? - Question, um...

Do 2 quarterbacks make a halfback?

- Uh... yeah. Absolutely right.

[Crowd cheering]

- Okay Lizard,

on your guest list we have Amanda, Stephanie, Leanne...

- Ah, that's not my guest list.

- All girls, Ed?

- Just helping my odds with the ladies, Dad.

- But, this is a boy-girl dance party and Lizzie's list is all girls:

Gabby, Rebecca, Christine, Jamie...

- Dad, Jamie's no girl.

- Yeah, he's my new friend.

- Oh! [Phone ringing]

Could this be a new,

special friend?

- No! He's just a new regular friend.

- [Marti]: Lizzie! Your new special friend's on the phone!

- And... continue.

- 'Kay, so the quarterback tries to bypass the 'flinger'

to get to his 'flonger' to score a 'flingflong.'

- A flingflong? What's a flingflong?

- 6 points. 7 if you kick the extra flong.

- Why does it sound like you're making this up?

- Because you don't watch football.

Some people don't even know that the object of the game is to get rid of the ball.

- I thought the whole idea was to hold onto the ball.

- Nobody wants the football. Why do you think they call it a pigskin?

- Ew! Good point.

- 'Kay. What are two ways to get rid of that disgusting pigskin?

- Oh, okay, um -- throw the pigskin to the pork belly,

or run it into the touchdown!

- Flingflong!

Your boyfriend is going to be shocked by your knowledge.

- Max is not my boyfriend...

Yet. - [Liz]: Jamie is not my boyfriend!

- Fine! I take it back! Mercy!

Uncle! Derek! Help! - Do your worst Liz!

- Derek! What is going on here? - Get off!

Well, all I said was that Jamie--

- Finish that sentence and you're finished! - Ah, Liz, ah...

Can I please see you in my room?

- Ignore Edwin, Liz. You know girls mature faster than boys.

- Boys mature? When?

- I wish I knew.

Anyway, speaking of boys, who's Jamie?

- Not you too! Jamie's my friend.

Guys and girls can be friends, ya' know!

- Of course they can. But if there ever was a guy you liked...

- You'll be the first to know. - Good!

Well until you have some juicy guy talk, do you wanna hear mine?

- Sure. - So, you know Max?

I'm gonna watch him play football Saturday afternoon

and we're gonna hang out after! It might even be a date!

Oh. So, you're gonna miss the party?

Your birthday party!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Liz!

When I like a guy, I kinda get brain-freeze! But I could cancel!

- No, don't. The party's no big deal.

- [Edwin]: Man, this party's gonna be huge!

So? What d'ya think?

- Yes! You are a dork.

- I was asking about my party outfit.

- Is it a costume party? - No.

'Kay, forget about how you look, just,

ah, make sure your breath is fresh. - Uhhh... Why?

- 'Cuz at my first boy/girl party, ho! It was make-out city.

Just make sure you're ready.

- Me? Well...

I- I was born ready.

♪♪♪

I... uh...

Derek, I... It was ju- I...

- This is gonna be the tween party of the year!

- Yeah. But why do I feel like we're forgetting something?

- Okay, I'm off!

I've got my football crib sheets and I'm ready for the opening groin-kick!

- The what-now? - Yeah, I know, it sounds weird but Derek said--

- Casey, ah, your football game and my hockey game's about to start,

so we better go! Go-go-go-go-go!

- Has anyone seen my monkey?

- Ask Edwin.

- Oooh! Good luck, Mom! - Thanks.

- Hi.

- Where are the guests of honor?

- Oh! That's what we forgot.

Ah, Edwin! Lizzie! - Want me to go get her?

- What's wrong, Jamie? Can't wait to see your girlfriend?

- Hey gang! Come on in.

- I was just, ah...

- Hiding? Join the club.

- Mom and George aren't gonna be happy.

- Well, hey! It's our party and we'll hide if we want to.

- [Mom]: Edwin! Lizzie!

- Shut the door, shut the door!

♪♪♪

- I tried threatening, bribing

and then some more threatening, but they still won't come out.

- That's ridiculous! George, you've got to make them come down.

- You mean toss one over each shoulder and carry them downstairs?

- Ah, don't be silly. You're not nearly strong enough.

- So what are you in here for?

- What's the difference? I don't care about this party, anyway!

- Yeah. Me neither.

But, ah, won't your friend be mad if you don't show?

- I hope so. Then he won't be my friend anymore and everyone'll

stop bugging us about being boyfriend and girlfriend!

Including you!

- Yeah... Sorry about that.

- Don't be sorry, just... King me!

- There you are!

I've been looking everywhere for you!

I missed you Sir-Monks-A-Lot!

- Sir?

That's not a girl monkey?

- I am the biggest loser ever!

Ah, hi everyone. Having fun?

- Casey, what happened?

- It's over. Max. My life. My dignity.

After I congratulated Max on his

flingflonging, I followed him into the locker room at half time

because I thought the game was over!

- What did he think?

- No idea.

But his teammates sure had a good laugh.

Can you believe I asked Derek to explain football? - No, I can't,

but can we deal with that later?

You're the only one who can save this from becoming

the birthday party fiasco of the year!

And of Lizzie and Edwin's life!

- Edwin, Lizzie, please come out.

- [Ed]: We're not in here.

- Edwin, she already knows we're in here.

- Lizzie, Jamie's looking for you.

And Edwin, there are tons of cute girls for you to dance with.

- Now I'm never coming out!

- Me neither!

Come on, guys! You gotta come out!

Okay guys, um... Edwin and Lizzie are a little party-shy.

But I bet they'll come down when they hear us having the best time ever!

- [All 3]: Yeah!

[Cricket chirping]

- Yeah, okay, um...

Okay, let's start with a great ice-breaker game:

it's called the 'necking game'.

- Whoa!

[Chuckles]

- Oh, hey! This is fun! George!

- Do I have to? - George...

- Oh... 'Kay... Got it!

Oh! Now Marti.

- I've got it!

I've still got it!

- Okay, okay! Who wants to come take the orange from Marti now?

So, hm? - Hurry cuz it's about to be juiced!

- Great!

- Actually, can I call my parents so they could take me home?

- No way! No! Nobody is leaving this place until we have some fun!

Okay, let's crank the tunes!

♪♪♪

- I don't think this is working.

- Ya think?

Well, then, let's ruin someone else's day.

- Who died?

- See for yourself.

- 'So the wolf said: "Little pig, little pig, let me in'."

And what did the pig say? Anyone? Anyone?

- Wait.

You brought me home before the end of the third period

because the party died?

- Oh, I'm sorry. Did I ruin your hockey game?

Why don't we play a little football.

Start with the groin-kick, just like you taught me!

- Guys! Please! Edwin and Lizzie's party's tanking!

- And so is our rep as party-planning parents!

- Oh, and I should help because I'm what?

Compassionate? - I'll pay you.

- Fine. But I'm only taking care of the male half of the party.

Casey can handle the other half. - Work with Derek?

I'd rather flingflong him through the uprights!

- For the next 2 hours, you 2 have got to put aside your differences!

After that, you can drop kick, tee-off or whatever! Okay?

- Okay.

- Hey! No!

- Liz, what's going on? - Not much. You?

- Why won't you come to your party?

- 'Cuz everyone won't stop teasing me about Jamie.

It's too weird!

- And hiding in the closet isn't weird?

Look, I know you probably don't want guy advice from the girl

who just blew it with Max,

but don't be afraid to hang out with Jamie.

Ignore the teasing because this is your first boy/girl party.

Do you really want to remember it from in here?

- [Derek]: What is your damage?

There is a room full of girls downstairs

that I bet kiss better than Marti's monkey!

- Oh, wait! I can explain that! I was just, you know...

- No! We will never speak of that if you go downstairs right now!

- I- I can't! - Why not?

- 'Cuz I'm a fake! A fraud! I'm a phony!

- What are you talking about?

- Okay, you're... You're not gonna believe this

but I'm, I'm not really a ladies' man.

- Ah, c'mon.

You've had girlfriends before. What about, uh, Molly Moscovitz? - We only talked on the phone.

- Wh... The-the girl on Lizzie's hockey team?

- Tanya? She shut me out!

Just like every other girl has my whole life!

- What are you saying? - I've never even kissed a girl before.

There! Disown me as your brother

and just let me hide in the closet in peace.

- Okay. I'm gonna tell you something,

something I have never told anyone before.

A bro-to-bro secret.

I didn't kiss a girl 'til I was 15.

- What? You're only 15 now!

You've been dating since you were 6!

And what about that make-out party when you were 12?

- Ah, we played spin the bottle. When the bottle pointed to me,

I ran like the wind.

- You were scared... of girls?

- Yes! And sometimes, I still am.

Alright, all this pressure you're feeling to kiss a girl?

Totally normal and your time will come.

But, until then, just enjoy your own party.

- Thanks, bro.

- Oh! You know my 'no-hugging' policy.

- Ah, it's your policy, not mine!

Hey, party people!

[Expressions of surprise]

- Lizzie!!!

And Edwin!

[Greetings]

- How did you get them down here?

- Just some honest sister-talk.

- Really? I lied to Ed and told him I was a loser like him.

- You what? - Who cares? The party's saved!

[Clears throat]

- Well, we gave it a shot. - I don't know what else to do.

- Maybe we should cut our losses and take everyone

to the dump truck movie. - Yeah.

- You guys are giving up?

- So soon?

- Well... maybe WE could...

- Uh, I guess we could...

♪♪♪

- Lookout, Jamie you got competition!

- Um, can I dance with your stepsister?

- Oh, well, ladies' choice.

- C'mon, Jamie. Let's give those kids something to talk about.

- Come on, Georgie. Let's go dance.

- [Clearing throat]: Um...

So, ah, would any of you... like... to dance?

Sweet!

But, uh, what do you say I share the wealth?

What do you think, boys?

- We did good, huh?

- Hah! We? You mean me!

This party was going nowhere 'til I got here.

- Let's boogie, Smerek!

- Okay, Smarti!

[Doorbell ringing]

[Marti giggling]

- Max? Uh, wha-what are you doing here?

- Well, I'm done flinging flongs...

And I kinda thought we had a date.

- So you still wanna go out with me?

Even after I lied to you about liking football?

- Well, I assumed you lied

because you liked me.

- Good assumption.

♪♪♪

- I'm sorry my parents are so late.

- Oh, really? I'm not.

[Honking] - Oh!

I guess that's them. - No!

I mean... Good!

That they're here.

- I have a confession to make...

I told my parents to come late. - Really? Why?

- 'Cuz I wanted to hang out with you. - Really?

- What happened?

- She kissed me! And I think she likes me!

- Way to go, Ed. I'm proud of you.

- Thanks, bro! Means a lot.

- What the heck.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc.

- Football's gotta come up in - in a con...

- Well, I am a very good dancer.

- And I haven't been to any...

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0