Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Ah... Hello, Marti. Did we brush our teeth this morning?

- Yes, we did! - Oh, really?

- Yup! - Then, how do you explain exhibit A?

One toothbrush. Oh! No water.

- Magic! - That's funny!

- Ha-ha-ha-ha... No. - Ah, that's not funny, Marti.

There's nothing funny about lying.

- You should always tell the truth, Marti. You know that, don't you?

- No. - That's a lie, of course she does!

I want you to go up the bathroom and brush your teeth.

- Okay, Daddy.

- Nora, it was just a little white lie.

- Was it? Or was it a gateway lie!

- What? - Today Marti's lying about brushing her teeth.

Tomorrow she's lying about her grades.

Next thing you know, she's gonna be swiping loose change from your desk just like--

- Derek! - Yes, just like Derek!

You think this house can handle two Dereks?

When we've already got an Edwin?

- No! Don't worry:

from now on I am all over this lying thing.

And that's the truth.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Call me a goody-goody, but I never lie.

Honestly, it never occurs to me!

Unlike 'certain people' who lie so much,

it never occurs to them to tell the truth.

What are you doing in Derek's room?

- Helping him with his science project. - How much is he paying you?

- Ten bucks more than I'm paying this kid Jordy to do my geography project.

- How pathetic!

Yet impressive.

Our project isn't due till next week.

This could be the most responsible thing Derek has ever done!

- Appreciate the backhanded compliment, sis,

but FYI, the project's due tomorrow, not next week.

- Liar, liar! How do you walk with your pants on fire?

- Think about it.

Why would Edwin be consulting on a project now

if it was due next week? - No, it's true.

I never get that much notice.

- Oh no! I couldn't have!

I did! I did get the date wrong! No!

- Yes. And don't ever call me responsible.

Something like that gets out and my rep is shot.

- You tell me what a lie is.

- Something that grown ups get to do!

- Marti, nobody gets to lie.

- Then how come you told Nora someone scratched the car

when you scratched it on the parking meter?

- Well... - And when you said

you'd clean the garage? And you had a nap?

- You... Ah, 'kay, fine, fine! Um...

Sometimes a grown up does get to tell a lie because...

well, that's the way it is. But kids can't tell a lie, end of story.

- Daddy, that's not true!

- Oh, okay! So you do know what a lie is! You see? Good, good!

Because I was just testing you there.

Okay, I wasn't testing you, but...

I won't tell any more lies to - to Nora

or - or to you or to anyone, okay?

- Okay. - Okay, now I think you should get upstairs

before the tickle monster comes to get you.

- Daddy, you're not the tickle monster. That's a lie!

- Oh no! No, no, no. It isn't a lie.

It's a funny. - It's 'a stupid'.

- Oh, you! I'm gonna get you! - It's a stupid!

- It isn't a stupid. I'm going to get you!

- Okay, I just have to fix Jupiter and the planets will all be aligned.

Ah! [Glass breaking]

- Edwin... would you please do my homework more quietly?

I am trying to sleep.

- Wasn't me, bro.

[Glass breaking] - Moronic Mars!

- Whoa! Easy!

You're going to wake up the entire world. Not to mention, tick off the Martians.

- It doesn't matter. I'm gonna fail this science project anyway.

- No you're not. Hand it in late.

- I've never handed in something late!

I've never not handed in something early!

- Make up a lie and then get an extension.

- Oh, great idea! And when I'm done I'll rob a bank and mug an old lady.

- Sounds a bit extreme, but, ah, I'll write you in jail.

- I'd like to discuss this lying concept with you.

- Lying concept? - Yes.

Suppose I was thinking of lying, how would I go about it?

Are there lying rules? Is there proper lying etiquette?

This isn't easy for someone like me.

- Sure it is. And, may I add, your hair looks great this morning.

- Really? - No that was a lie.

Sounded pretty natural though, huh? Years of experience.

- And could you share your wisdom with me?

- Okay, first you need to learn to lie about stupid stuff.

- Like what?

- Like if someone asks me if I've seen a movie,

I say yes, no matter what.

- Why? - If I say no,

then I'm forced to sit through some two-hour recap of a movie

I really didn't wanna see - or worse, a movie I did wanna see!

- I must be losing it 'cuz that actually makes sense.

- And don't play all innocent: you lie too. You just tell those girlie little white lies.

- I do not! - What about the time you told Nora you really liked

that miniskirt, that was... - Charity.

- And the time you told Marti that there were little mice in her stomach

that wanted to eat green beans? - Creative. And nutritional.

- See, clearly, you have truth-bending talents.

I say use them on our science teacher.

- I just... I can't do it. - Okay!

But, ah, need I remind you what happened to the last kid

that handed in something late to Ms. P? - What?

- She made him run around the school naked. - Derek!

- Good catch. Lying rule number one: keep it real.

But, ah, Ms. P. takes deadlines more seriously

than any teacher I've ever had.

- Derek... - Actually, that one's true.

- So you couldn't do your assignment

because you were abducted by mind-wiping Martians?

Okay, what else you got?

- My parents went out of town and I had a party.

- Ah! Now that I believe.

But you still get an F.

Were you waiting for me dear?

- Um, actually, yes, Mrs. Pummelman.

- I must say I was surprised not to see your assignment this morning, Casey.

- I - I know, um... it's - it's just...

I - I have this...

dog! And he, uh...

- Ate your homework?

- No! Um, my dog's name's... Bob.

And he's real - really sick and I had to take care of him.

- Oh, you poor thing! What sort of illness is it?

- The really bad kind?

They're - they're still doing tests.

- How upsetting. Casey, you take as long as you want with this assignment.

Right now, Bob needs you.

[Barking]

[Mewing and barking]

- Casey! Why didn't you tell me? - What?

- Our dear dog Bob is sick!

- Bad news travels fast.

- Well, who woulda thunk it? Mrs. P. is crazy for dogs.

You're a natural born liar after all.

- Ex liar. That was the first and last lie of my career.

I'm getting out, as soon as I can figure out how.

- You could always pull a Casey and... go tell her the truth.

- I can't! Mrs. Pummelman was so nice about it.

She was genuinely concerned about Bob! And I'll get an F!

- Well, there's only one way to get out of this lie.

You are going to have to kill Bob.

- Casey... how's Bob feeling?

- Actually, you could say Bob's feeling no pain.

- Oh, no! You - you don't mean he...

- The illness was worse than we thought.

And, in the end, scrappy little Bobby? Was all scrapped out!

Cut down in the prime of his doggy life!

It just seems so unfair!

- Oh, I am so sorry!

There... Oh, there, there...

[Casey crying]

- Hi, Miss P. Um, you'd better let me take it from here.

- Thank you, Em. Now that Bob's gone,

you truly are my best friend.

- She has suffered a terrible loss.

Bob will live in your heart forever, Casey.

- Thank you, Mrs. Pummelman.

- Okay, why are you crying and who's Bob?

- Bob is my dead dog. - But you don't have a dead dog.

Or any dog. - I know!

But I had the wrong due date for our science project.

So stupid Derek convinced me to tell a stupid lie and - stupid me - I did.

Now I have to plan a funeral for an imaginary dog!

- That's hilarious. - No, it's not! It's...

... it's terrible!

- Oh, I know, I know...

But Bob is in a better place.

And I just want you to forget all about that science project for now.

- Re - Really? - Really.

Instead, I'd like you to write an essay about Bob.

- Ah, what about Bob? - Well, about your relationship.

You know, something from the heart.

After all, what better way to achieve closure

and pay tribute to your dearly departed friend?

- Um, thank you Mrs. Pummelman. That should be very... healing.

- Oh...

[School bell ringing]

- "Bob was more than a dog. He was a friend,

a loyal companion, a dog among dogs!"

He was... completely imaginary!

Aaah! I can't do this!

- Can't do what? - Write an essay about Bob!

But if I don't, I'll be busted and fail!

- And be labeled a liar and a cheat. - Thanks. That too.

I never should have lied. I don't even like dogs!

They slobber on everything! They lick their privates... in public!

- So, what are you gonna do?

- I don't know, I'm way out of my depth.

I better consult with the 'lord of the lies'.

Alright, Derek. You got me into this mess, you can get me out!

- Casey, speaking from experience, Derek doesn't respond to demands.

He prefers the yes-man, boot-licking approach.

- Derek, you are the guru of the sacred art of deceit.

You and only you can help me in my hour of need.

Please, oh great liar, take pity on my poor truthful soul.

- Alright. I'll help you.

- You will? Ah, that is so... - Provided you help me.

- ...not sweet. - See, little Edwin here needs

some financial encouragement to do my history project.

Alright, how we doing on the breed?

- Well, I looked at the schnauzers and the bauzers,

but I'm leaning towards one of the 'oodles'.

- Hmm... Poodles, doodles, noodles, schnoodles...

Ed, download a schnoodle, stat!

- Done and done. - Ed...

this schnoodle's the size of a horse!

[Horse neighing] - Okay.

- Huh! This schnoodle's the size of a rat!

- Fine!

- Hey! Not too big, not too small...

this schnoodle is just right.

- Thank you! - But this is all so wrong!

- Relax. I've got everything under control.

Look, I'm even throwing in these, no extra charge.

- What are they? - They are touching dog stories I found on the 'net.

The sappiest ones are starred for your convenience.

- What are you doing? Whose doggy?

- Oh, that's Casey's doggy, Bob.

- You have a doggy? I wanna see!

- Well, actually, Marti, Bob died.

- Doggy died?

[Marti crying] - It's okay, Smarti. It's okay.

Um... Bob's not really dead, see, Bob's not really real.

Casey's just pretending. - To be funny?

- Yeah, to be funny! [Laughs]

- That is funny! [Laughs]

- Finally! You're home!

- Yeah. I handed in the dog essay and now I'm washing my hands

of all this dirty lying business for good.

- Yeah! You might want to tell that to her.

- Oh, yes...

- Oh! What did you do?

You broke the cardinal rule of lying: never bring a lie home!

- Well the lie is here, sitting on the couch with a giant horse dog, so what do we do?

- I don't know! Okay, um... um... there's a teacher in our house!

This is not good. Okay, I need time to think, ah...

You go in there, talk to her.

[Barking]

- Mrs. Pummelman? How nice to see you... here.

- Casey, as soon as I read your heartwarming essay,

I had to come right over and I brought a very special surprise.

- Oh-hoo-hoo... How adorable! Drooling on the couch like that.

Nice doggy. - Oh goodness, Tiny here's not the surprise.

It's what's inside of her: a litter of puppies.

And we want to give one of them to you!

- Wow! Ah, thank you very much, Mrs. Pummelman... and Tiny.

[Licking]

- Oh! Ho! Ho! I think she likes you!

- Lucky me. Okay, um, I'm going to go see now

if we have any leftover dog treats for Tiny.

- Ah, whose a good girl? Yes.

- What are you doing? - I'm trying to think of a lie.

I thought eating might kick start my brain.

- Well think faster 'cuz I'm drowning in dog drool out there!

- Look, this is uncharted territory!

There is a teacher in our house! A lie gone bad!

- C'mon guys, get it together!

- Derek, Mrs. Pummelman offered me a puppy to replace Bob.

What do I say? - I don't know, okay!

- No! Not okay!

- [Mrs. Pummelman]: Casey! I think Tiny's thirsty.

Do you still have Bob's water bowl?

- Ah, here's some water to replace Tiny's drool.

- Oh! Thank you, dear. Do you have any of Bob's old toys that Tiny could chew on?

Um, actually we - we buried, um, Bob's toys with him

so he could play with them in doggy heaven. - Oh...

- Doggy heaven? - Mom!

This is my science teacher, Mrs. "Pummelmom". I mean "man"!

And this is her tiny, giant dog. I mean, her giant dog, Tiny.

- Hi, I'm Nora. Ha, ha. So... what did Derek do?

- Oh, nothing, Nora. Except an excellent science project.

No, I'm actually here because of Casey.

She has been so distressed since Bob died.

- Um, when Mrs. Pummelman found out about the death of our beloved dog, Bob,

she was incredibly understanding when I could not hand

my science project in on time due to overwhelming grief.

- Yeah, true story!

- And I've come over to offer you a puppy from Tiny's litter.

- I don't know what to say.

That is so sweet. But, ah, the memory of...

- Bob. - ...Bob is still so fresh,

I'm not quite ready for another dog. How about you, Casey?

- I - I feel the same way. - Well, I do understand, dear.

Nobody will ever be able to replace Bob.

- Hello.

- Hi, George. - Hi.

- This is Mrs. Pummelman, Casey and Derek's science teacher.

- Oh, hello. What did Derek do?

- Oh, it's not Derek, it's, ah... our dog Bob

who's just died, preventing Casey

from completing her science project in a timely manner.

- Right...

And I assume we're all very sad about the passing of our dear dog, Rob?

- Bob. - Bob!

- We don't have to be sad 'cuz Bob is a pretend dog

and he didn't really die! Get it?

- That's not true, Marti. We pretended that Bob never existed

to get over the pain of Bob's death.

- But that's not funny.

- No, it really isn't.

I can't do this anymore.

The truth is...

there is no Bob, Mrs. Pummelman.

- There isn't? - No.

Bob was a lie I made up because my science project wasn't ready.

And then he had to be killed and I - I had my whole family lying

and setting a terrible example for Marti.

I'm so sorry. To everyone.

Especially you, Mrs. Pummelman.

- Well, I forgive you, dear.

But I'm not so sure about "Mister Biscuits" here.

- Mister Biscuits? But you said your dog was having puppies.

- Ah, well, now that would be quite a trick.

- You lied too! - Only to get Casey to tell the truth.

- So, you knew all along?

- Casey, you are an excellent student and a truly terrible liar.

- Oh... but I had the best coach.

- Okay, man. You can do this! You were born to lie!

You are lord of the lies!

So get in there and lie like you have never lied before!

Casey! I finished Bob's eulogy.

Oh, Mrs. Pummelman! Are you here to pay your respects?

- Too late, Derek. The dog's outta the bag.

[Door's opening]

- Hey, Derek. Did, ah, Mrs. Pummelman like my model?

- Why don't you ask her yourself, Ed.

- Yes, your work was very impressive.

Ah, yours? Not so much.

- Um... listen, Mrs. Pummelman? Would you like to stay for dinner?

- Yeah, you can teach us all a valuable lesson about why lying is wrong.

- [Mrs. Pummelman]: I'd love to.

But I think you've already learned the lying lesson. Am I right?

- [All]: Yes, Mrs. Pummelman.

[Barking]

- What a lovely dinner!

I hope you don't mind that little trick that I played on you, dear,

letting you think that Mister Biscuits was having puppies.

- I don't mind. I deserved it.

And I hope you forgive me for the little trick I played on you?

- Actually, it was highly entertaining.

Of course I will have to give you an F. - An F?

I - I've never gotten an F before!

- Well, Derek can help you through the pain.

He's getting an F on his assignment too.

- Edwin'll just have to do better next time.

Kidding. - Good.

You know, since I had such a nice time at dinner

and since at least one of you seems truly repentant,

I'm going to give you both another chance to do the assignment: together.

Tomorrow morning. On my desk.

Come on, Mister B! Let's go! Come!

Who's a good boy? Night you two.

- Well, wake me when it's done. - Ah, nice try, Derek.

You aren't sleeping until we finish this assignment!

- Okay, then, just a quick nap while you get started!

Um, napping is sleeping!

Get your glue sticks and let's get to work!

Closed Captioning by SETTE Ltée

- Alright people... [Singing]

Alright people, this has to be done fast

and it has to be done right... Jambalaya!

[Laughs]

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0