Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Ahh! - Hey, Lizard!

How was your first hockey game? - Horrible.

- Oh, she's exaggerating. I thought you were great.

- That's 'cuz you know nothing about hockey!

And neither do I! - Ahh.

Didn't get the ol' puck in the net?

- The only thing I got in the net was me 'cuz I couldn't stop.

- Liz, you are way too self-critical.

- An awesome performance! - See? He was impressed!

- Oh, I sure was. But not with Lizzie.

[ Sigh ] - Edwin!

You should be supportive of your stepsister, no matter how bad she was!

Not that you were bad.

- Then why did our team captain, Tanya, call me the worst player on the team?

- Maybe 'cuz you tripped her on a breakaway.

- So what! You're just learning to play hockey.

You and the team'll get better.

- Mom, you don't get it. Except for me, the team is good!

- I think I'm gonna send that captain a congratulatory email.

- Who knew he was such a girls' hockey fan?

- He's not a girls' hockey fan. He's a Tanya fan.

As if the whole thing wasn't embarrassing enough.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, 'cuz I'm quitting.

- Oh, you can't quit! - Yeah, the McDonalds aren't quitters!

- Well, this one is!

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

ter bond.

Even with two new step-brothers and a little step-sister,

Lizzie still comes to me for advice and support.

I mean, where else would she go?

- Casey? I need your advice. I have a problem.

- Oh, that's great! Come on in.

Okay, so what's the problem?

School? Homework? Boys? - No, it's Mom.

She still won't let me quit hockey! Can you believe that?

- Actually, I can. But, come on,

you're bound to get better. You're great at sports!

- Not ice hockey. I'm covered in bruises!

And so are half my teammates, thanks to me.

- Hmm. Maybe your ego's bruised too?

- What do you mean? - Well, you're new to hockey

and you don't like feeling so... inexperienced.

- Exactly! So, how do I quit?

- You don't! You keep trying until you succeed!

- "Keep trying"? You're supposed to give me sisterly advice!

If I wanted sensible advice I would've talked to Mom again.

- Lizzie and I had a disagreement.

- Sisters always fight. - Not us!

- Lizzie never used to question what I said.

- Well, maybe she's growing up? - Quite the opposite, Paul. - Growing down?

She's becoming less mature due to certain bad influences

in our house. - Such as? - Derek!

He's constantly sabotaging

my efforts to inspire, encourage and nurture our siblings!

Hey guys! Why don't we watch something

a little more "cultured" for a change?

I have a DVD of the National Ballet doing Swan Lake! - No!

- [Robot]: No. - C'mon guys, give it a chance. You might like ballet.

- Sorry, Casey, the robot has spoken.

- Who wants to watch two hours of animals attacking each other?

- Me! - [Robot]: Me.

- I just don't want Lizzie to be corrupted by Derek's

slackadasical ways! - I used to worry about

my little brother, Bernie, too. You know, he never seemed to get what I was trying to teach him.

- Really? Where is your brother now?

- Ah, he's the president of a huge company.

But you'd think he'd return my phone calls? I mean... Bah! I...

But we're still tight! Like this.

So don't worry.

- Don't worry? Come on, Paul, you know me better than that.

- [Robot] Intruder alert. - Ahhh!

- Gotcha! - Marti! - Did you hear that, huh?

So, from now on, you don't walk, talk or breathe unless I say so!

- [Hushed]: Can I breathe now? - Yes, then go to your room.

- I was goin' there anyway. - What was that about?

- That was about Derek learning who is boss.

- Oh! Good for you. Do me a favour, though?

Don't buy Marti any more of these annoying toys.

- I didn't buy that. But I did shell out

a hundred and fifty bucks after the car got towed.

- Ah, no! What did Derek do?

- It's what Derek didn't do!

He was supposed to meet me in front of the hockey rink and when he didn't,

I had to leave the car in a no-stopping zone and go unlock his lips from the snackbar girl.

- Ha-ha! Oh no. - Oh yes. So you know what?

He can just say goodbye to his allowance 'til he pays me back

and this time I mean business! - Eh!

- Derek, I need some brotherly advice.

- Oh, I'm happy to give it. For a hundred and fifty bucks.

- What did you do? - Got Dad's car towed. Ah, but it was totally

worth it. This snack bar girl was so...

nice. - Oh, well, I met a nice girl too.

- Again? Who is it this week? - Tanya.

- Well, I'm happy to give you advice.

Right after you do my laundry.

- So, Lizzie, how's the hockey going?

- I'd rather not talk about it. - Oh, you shoulda seen Lizzie, Dad.

Hilarity on ice! Ah...

Like a gazelle.

- It's okay, Casey. I'm quitting anyway.

- Hey! I've got a better idea.

Derek, you're our resident hockey star.

Why don't you give Lizzie a few tips?

- Ah, hum... Derek's not really a "help your sibling" kind of guy.

- Yeah, girls' hockey's kinda out of my league.

I mean, what do they... Skate around in skirts and have tickle fights on the ice?

- Enough, Derek!

And I like Nora's idea!

Lizzie, meet your new hockey coach.

- What? - What?

[ Annoying sound outside ] [ Gasp ]

- Do you mind? I'm reading! - Ohhh!

- Ow. - Ha-ha! You missed me!

- Ah, is Derek still with Lizzie? Cuz, I need girl advice.

- Oh, well, ah, since Derek's busy with Lizzie,

and I am a girl, maybe I can help? What's up?

- Alright, well, I wanna ask Tanya out, but...

she's a bit more developed than other girls.

- She's smarter than you? - Oh, probably,

but that's not what I meant. Um, okay, let's see...

Suppose Tanya was at the grocery store,

you'd find her with the peaches, not the grapes.

- Oh! She's developed. - Yeah.

And I don't wanna be a pig and stare at her... development,

so I end up talking to her feet! What should I do?

- Well, you just need to get comfortable around her.

Instead of focusing on her looks, learn more about her.

Find out what she likes, where she goes.

- And, do you really think that'll help? - I guarantee it.

[ Derek's laughing. ]

- What's so funny? - Lizzie shot the ball right into the Davis's birdbath.

- Nailed the dancing frog! - After a little more coaching from her big bro,

Super Lizzie'll be an all-star in no time. - Oh yeah?

Well, with my help, Edwin's going to be

an all-star dater in no time! - Stop that.

- Marti!

Bedtime. - [Robot]: Annihilate alien intruder.

- You know it was very nice of Dimmy to share,

but it's time you gave that back to him.

- Dimmy didn't share. I borrowed it.

- Ahh...

Does he know you borrowed it? - No.

- Nora? Where's Derek? You know what, you know what he just did?

He just used the garage door as a hockey net!

You know? So now he's going to add painting to his list of things to do!

- Ah, George, Marti borrowed that robot from Dimmy

without his permission.

- Really? Hey, Marti. Come on out here.

You gotta take this back right away and give it back to Dimmy

before he realizes that it's gone, okay?

- Got it! - Ah, no you don't got it.

And, ah, apparently you don't get it either!

Borrowing something without permission is stealing.

- Ahh... no. - No.

Yeah. Actually... actually, munchkin, it is.

So why don't you start by taking this toy back to Dimmy and

apologizing. Right?

[ Burp! ]

- Only you could make eating a sandwich so completely revolting.

- Hey, how's the new star on ice? You still got that sweet slap shot?

- Yeah, but I think it was too sweet.

I beaned the coach with the puck, got demoted to watergirl.

- When it comes to giving out sisterly advice, leave it to the pro.

- Some pro you are! - What's wrong?

- Well, I tried to find out more about Tanya.

But she thought I was following her.

Now she calls me "Edweirdo"! - Ha! Ha! Ha!

- You see! She already has a pet name for you! She must like you!

- Like me? She thinks I'm freaky!

- Yeah! Leave it to the pro.

Obviously you know nothing about little brothers.

- Well, I know enough to keep Edwin from turning

into a skirt-chasing cad like his brother.

- I may not know what a "cad" is,

but I know enough to keep Lizzie from turning into a princess like you.

- Oh, yeah? Tell you what,

with my expertise, not only will Edwin get Tanya to notice him,

in a good way, he'll take her to the school dance!

- But I'm Edweirdo! - Oh yeah?

Well, I am gonna to get Lizzie to be her hockey team's leading scorer!

- But-but... I'm the watergirl!

- Okay, Lizzie! Let's go. We gotta practice.

- C'mon Edwin! You need a makeover. - Hey!

Don't we get any say in this? - No! - No!

Let's go!

Alright Liz, top shelf.

No! Not that shelf. Top shelf

as in top corner. Alright! Try it again.

- But I've tried again and again! Can't we take a break? - No!

Breaks are for bench warmers. Now, shoot it like you mean it.

- But isn't hockey supposed to be fun?

- No, see, hockey is about winning!

- How am I supposed to win if I can't stop on the ice

without smashing into the boards.

- Well, you're going to have to learn how to stop!

- No, I need to quit!

- You can't quit!

See, you're a Venturi now - sort of.

And when you're on that ice you are representing me: a three-time

league MVP! So you cannot quit,

no matter what. - Ahhh!

- Whoa! [ Cat's meowing ]

See! I knew you had it in you! Class dismissed!

- [George]: Derek! What was that? - Run!

- Hm. What to do, what to do...

- So what if Tanya doesn't like me.

There are other fish-ettes in the sea, right? - Wrong!

I can get you your girl, you just have to trust me.

- Yeah, well, thanks to you, Tanya already thinks I'm freaky!

- Okay, don't trust me, just do what I say. Starting with your looks.

- But why? Girls don't care about looks!

The guys with the funnies get the honeys.

- And how do you make "the honeys" laugh?

- I burp the anthem. You wanna hear?

- No! I mean I'm sure that's hilarious.

Look, I know looks aren't everything, but they are something.

So let's start with your hygiene. Show me your nails.

Ewww! - You should see my toenails.

- No, no, I really shouldn't. Here, use these.

You have used nail clippers before, right?

- Ah, twice!

What is that?

- It's mousse. Gotta do something with your hair.

- I don't like people touching my head!

- Oh, grow up, Edwin!

- Okay. Puck's dropped in the corner, where should you be?

- Sliding into the boards at top speed?

- No! You have to chase the puck!

- But I can't chase the puck if I can't stop!

- Casey, stop! - Okay, Edwin, but when Tanya

comes out of the dressing room what do you do? - I don't know! Throw up?

- No! You make eye contact! With her eyes!

- Oh!

I hope you don't make "nose contact", cuz

dude, you stink! - That scent is cologne and Tanya will love it.

- Ah, I'm sure she will, girls love perfume.

- You said it was cologne!

- Well, that's what you get when you're coached by a princess.

See, guys know that girls prefer their real smell.

- Ah, no Derek. They really don't.

- Hello! Can someone help me up? - You've turned Edwin into Edwina!

- Edwina! That's worse than Edweirdo! That's it, I'm changing!

- No! - Me too! The game hasn't even started

and I'm already too exhausted to stand!

- No! [ Bip! Bip! Bip! ]

Game time! I'll get your gear to the car.

Dad! We gotta drive Lizzie to the game!

- 'Kay Edwin, show Tanya what you got.

- Could use a hand here!

- Marti, I'm sorry, but you can't keep the robot.

- But Dimmy said I could.

- But you took it from Dimmy in the first place. And that was still wrong.

- So does that mean I can't keep all of these?

- Marti! Where did you get all those toys?

- Other kids. They didn't want them any more.

- Did they say they didn't want them any more? - No.

But I could tell. - Marti,

we've been over this. Now, you've gotta give back all of those toys

and you have to apologize to the rightful owners.

- Hey Lizzie! I heard you slammed a player into the boards.

Nice work. - Actually, I crashed into her 'cuz I couldn't stop.

And since body checking's not allowed, I got benched.

- Good job, Derek!

- No, I like being benched. Next best thing to quitting. Thanks, Derek!

- Ah... you're welcome.

- Well, I have better news.

I was checking out the action behind the boards

and I caught Tanya eyeing the new and improved Edwin.

So, I invited her over.

- You what!

- Um, I-I thought you'd be happy.

- I don't even like Tanya anymore.

- You don't! - A good coach knows their players.

And players like Edwin? They get new crushes every week.

[ Doorbell ] - Well, Edwin, your old crush is here,

so you're gonna have to face her like a man!

Edwin?

Edwin! - Good luck with all of that!

- Look, if you don't like Tanya any more, at least get some

practise talking to girls! Just remember:

look into her eyes, not at her chest!

- Hi. - Hi.

Ah, nice to see ya, Tanya.

- What are you staring at? - Your eyes! I swear!

- Well, stop it, Edweirdo. You're freaking me out!

Look, I need a favour.

- A favour? - Keep Lizzie from playing in tomorrow night's game

and I'll save you a song at the school dance.

- But why? - 'Cuz our team's playing the city champs tomorrow.

And if Lizzie plays, we'll lose for sure.

- I can't do that. Fast dance or slow dance? - Slow.

Offer's good 'til midnight.

- The crush is back on!

Casey's coaching worked! Tanya wants to dance with Edweirdo!

- She does? How much are you paying her?

- Nothing! All I gotta do is convince Lizzie to sit out tomorrow's game!

And since Lizzie wants to quit and I wanna dance, it's win-win!

- Forget it. Lizzie's playing. I don't coach quitters.

- Yeah, but Derek, Tanya promised me a dance.

That means she likes me!

- No. It means she's using you.

- You think so? Sweet!

- Not sweet. Have some pride.

- And why start now? You use me all the time! - But I'm family.

Tanya's just doing this for her team and though

I admire her win-at-all-costs attitude,

I don't like seeing my bro' used.

- I feel so ashamed.

I was blinded by love, but what do I do now?

- Fire your coach? - I'd love to, but...

I don't want to hurt Casey's feelings.

But you can! You have no heart!

- You want me to fire Casey?

With pleasure. - Thanks.

- Where's Edwin? I'm dying to know what happened with Tanya!

- Arrrgh! I can't stand this!

- Uh, it's just a lace, Liz.

- No! I can't stand being on the hockey team!

- Well, come on, even I can see you've gotten better.

- But the better I get the harder Derek pushes me. What if I mess up?

- Relax, Liz. It's only a game. - Not to Derek it isn't!

He wants to out-coach you so much, he doesn't care about how I feel! At all!

- Maybe you should talk to your coach.

- Maybe you should talk to him!

- Why, so I can fire him for you?

- Would you?

- Yes. Yes, I would.

- [Both]: You're fired!

- Unbelievable! Ha-ha!

Not one of your friends wanted their old toys back!

- See, I told you. So now can I keep 'em? - No, Marti,

stealing is still wrong!

- But I tried giving them back. I even said sorry!

End of story, right?

- Do you think that's the end of the story?

- Gonna make me figure this out?

I hate that! [ Laughing ]

- Ohhh! Just the coach I wanted to see.

- Just the coach I wanted to see.

- As Lizzie's newly-appointed spokesperson,

I am giving you your walking papers - citing exhaustion,

mental anguish and failure to show her the money.

- Is Lizzie firing me? - Yes. Face it, she's better off with me.

- Really? Cuz, uh, when Edwin had a real girl crisis -

cuz of you - he came to me, to fire you.

- No way! Edwin's made great progress! Did you see his cuticles?

- Tanya didn't care how he looked or smelled.

She just wanted him to get Lizzie not to play in the game.

- Really? That's awful! - Yeah, well, thanks to me,

Lizzie will play in that game tomorrow. - But Lizzie doesn't wanna play.

And you don't really wanna help her, you just wanna prove that you're a better coach than I am.

- So you'd rather Lizzie be a quitter and a loser?

- And you'd rather she fall flat on her face at tomorrow's

big game and be emotionally scarred for life?

- I heard that.

And you're both fired!

- So you're not gonna play?

Maybe I could let Tanya use me.

- After what you told me about Tanya,

I'm gonna play my heart out and hope we lose just to make her mad!

McDonald's aren't quitters!

- Bravo, Liz.

- Lizzie, stop.

See? You do know how to stop, after all.

But maybe I should teach you on the ice before your game tomorrow.

- As my former coach or as my step-brother?

- As your big brother.

- Oh! Maybe you're not such a bad coach after all.

- Thanks. You're not waiting for me to return that compliment right?

- Oh, come on! Ed's a changed man!

[ Burp! ]

- You think?

- [Both]: Lizzie's number one! Whoa! Lizzie's number one! Whoa!

- So I scored a goal. We still didn't win.

- Yeah, but you were on fire! I'm so proud of you!

- Yeah, you did pretty good out there.

- Thanks, big bro'. - You know, speaking of pretty good, Liz,

your goalie's kinda cute. You think I should call her?

- [Derek and Casey]: No!

- And we have another daughter to be proud of...

- [Both]: Marti!

- She donated all her "borrowed" toys to a children's hospital!

- Hmm. - Now, didn't that feel good?

- No. It felt great!

- Ah! Well, then, hooray for Marti for doing the right thing!

- Marti's number One! - [Together]: Marti's number One!

Marti's number One!

- Who wants to watch two hours of... [ Gibberish ]

- High five.

Closed captioning: Technicolor, Creative Services - Montreal

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0