Original subtitles

I didn't know women had such a vocabulary.

It certainly upset everyone on the team and in the audience,

who needed to hear it.

- Forgiveness. In my defense... - I don't want to hear that.

I don't want to hear another word from your gutter mouth.

You have demonstrated an unacceptable level of moral depravity.

They single-handedly destroyed everything...

TVC POLICIES

...what this station stands for.

As of today, you are relieved of your duties.

Oh no!

So who's starring in "Jim and Barbara"?

Clive Richardson will continue to play Jim.

- I'm sorry, what? - He wasn't using the foul expression.

But he committed the evil deed.

We informed the press

that you are unable to work due to illness and are absent for this reason.

your transmitter ID.

You find your way out on your own.

I need a three martini lunch now

to digest this horror.

- Patsy? - Yes, darling?

please dr Woodcock for a special sick note.

- I'll do it. - Nothing fatal.

Roger.

The press must never know about it.

This is just a stopgap.

What am I supposed to live on now?

Der "Carry On"- Film...

Der "Carry On"- Film...

- Oh yeah. - It's off the table.

They cast a bubbly little blonde named Barbara Windsor.

You can't work anyway, you're contagious.

Orthorubulavirus?

Roger.

Thank you very much Dr. Woodcock.

In order. Speak to you soon.

- What do I have? - mumps.

Great, now I can run around like a hamster.

You're quarantined and you're not going anywhere.

dear let me help you where will you go

- Probably just going home. - Go in disguise.

- Yes, I'm going in disguise. - As what?

As a woman who has been shitted on the head from a great height.

So as a brunette.

George, remember? Len Phillips of the Evening Gazette.

Do you know when she 'll be back on TV?

Sorry, Mr. Phillips, Len... I don't know anything yet.

She's pretty upset by this Orthoro...

Mumps! She has mumps!

Her face is like a bowling ball. Terrible.

Get well soon from us. We're sorry about her and Clive.

All right, goodbye.

Morning.

It's like wearing wet pants.

You have to hold out until it dries up.

You should have considered the consequences

before swearing in front of her boss.

I knew her dirty mouth was going to get her in trouble!

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

Not me. You have been provoked.

I don't want to say anything, I'm just saying that she should have chosen Aiden.

Listen, I miss you, little one. Heads up.

Ying tong middle I po.

Ying tong middle I po.

This is bloody ridiculous!

I get it. Are we all seven years old?

We have a show to air this week .

We once had a show

but thanks to Clive and his super dork we don't have Sophie.

We have to keep going as best we can.

No, Bill is right. Clive screwed it up.

We keep our private lives out.

- Why not him? - He is sexually incontinent.

We had a smash hit and Clive had to cum on it.

And you even had Sophie Straw. She is a goddess.

Don't tell me about relationships!

If Ted Sargent knew what Bill was up to...

Leave Bill alone.

Oh, says the sexually confused man who can't get his wife pregnant.

Try fucking, Tony.

- Shut up, Clive. - Was that a secret?

- Bill, what did you tell me? - Nothing at all.

You know Bill's loose tongue when he's stuffed.

- Tony... Tony! - Lick me.

- Do not listen to him! - I trusted you!

Stop it, it's useless!

Peacemaker Dennis heals everything but the dark hole in his marriage.

Calm down, Bill. Don't fall on Dennis.

Thanks, but I stand my ground.

Then why can't you see that Edith is making a fool of you?

I'm just saying what the whole house already knows.

She fucks Vernon Whit...bait.

War es Whitbait? Vernon...

- Whitpig. - Dennis...

Whitshire, Whichable... Whit... Whitstable?

Vernon, I dunno... Vernon Whitfuck?

- Vernon... - His name is Whitfield.

Not in the face!

Did you try to punch me?

- Yes, and I'll try again. - No, stop it!

You jerk. Without me you would be nobody!

You couldn't play if your life depended on it!

What shoud that?

Stop it! That is ridiculous.

Ridiculous?

You are ridiculous!

Great god!

Bill, put the knife down!

Little asshole.

you killed him

The?

Dennis...

Also...

Who would you rather be?

Sandy?

Or Cilla?

You can't stay in there for weeks. With that you can get out.

Do I look good with this?

- Like a medieval monk. - This is my favorite look.

I feel so stupid.

Couldn't I keep my mouth shut?

No, couldn't Clive let his zip fly?

My women's group has a technical term for such men.

- Oh yes? - assholes.

And the dismissal is unfair. Contact the union.

Mary is right. Why did n't Dennis help you?

Andrew O'Shea would have helped me.

He knew nothing about it. Ted called me in alone.

You go back to Ted Sargent and ask for your job back.

You look into his eyes...

And you picture him shitting a big pile.

- Believe me, this really works. - That's correct.

But I'm banned from the house and no longer have a station ID.

I can't even get in there.

Sender ID, please.

We do not know each other. Which show?

"Top of the Pops", ist doch klar.

- Bigger than I thought. - Who?

Sandie Shaw.

Wait a minute, "Top of the Pops" is filmed in Manchester.

Sophie, wait a minute.

Dennis! what happened to your face

- What do you want here? - Do the job again for me.

The dismissal was unfair.

And I'll tell Ted Sargent what I think.

That's the wrong way.

- And what is this? - The wig?

- Dennis. - Oh, Eunice.

Can I help you?

I just wanted to let Ted know that everything is under control.

Well then.

Come on darling

Hey there!

- What do I do now? - I don't know.

Soph?

I'll leave you alone for five minutes and you'll become the Bash Street Kids.

And you to Nana Mouskouri in the wind tunnel.

I'm so sorry I ruined everything.

- Clive was a jerk. - If only it had stayed that way...

What do we do now?

Try not to attract attention. At least not at the moment.

I'm talking to Ted. You come back to the show.

Promised.

Dennis, I...

Who is this?

Soph.

Hey! There she is!

- Away from here. - Just!

- Us too, Bill, let's go. - Why are we running away?

That way, friends.

Diane, do I have spinach in my teeth?

- Just a little. - Thanks.

Is someone missing an important clipboard here?

The record manager maybe.

Or the audience editors? I like reading them too much.

Some requests are outrageous. What is written there?

"As a seasoned gardener , I am indignant

that your reporter does not refer to tomatoes as fruit."

Glad that's settled.

I have to agree with this.

"Andrew O'Shea's garish ties are reminiscent of puke."

Hey, my ties are fancy.

"Take this woman off the TV and you won't find any...

decent white people?"

Don't leave something like that here.

Everyone from the set, please. Recording running in 5, 4...

Marjorie, is that true?

She's no longer on the show?

- She's just sick. - What does she have?

An STD?

How did you come up with that?

Clive Richardson is a Casanova. I would like to get something from him.

A friend of a friend knows someone who knows Clive.

And the truth is that Sophie Straw got fired.

COMIC DEVELOPMENT IN COMEDIAN

Oops. My hand slipped.

Every day you read these newspapers and gossip about them

how hot you find the men

and what sluts all the women in it are.

Ca n't you be nice to other women ?

Sophie Straw is my friend and you know her.

- She is a person with feelings. - Excuse me.

I didn't know you were a lesbian.

Hoppla.

My hand slipped.

Now there's lighter fare from our reporter Diane.

Thank you Andrew

Given the weather, I was looking for the perfect umbrella.

Not as easy as one would think.

Umbrellas are available from formperfect

up to...

ridiculous.

He would look good on you.

Splendid.

There you are.

Beautiful.

Oh my goodness.

Here it is again . What are you doing here?

My women's group is coming.

- Excuse me. - I already have it.

- I'm going to the bedroom. - You do not have to go.

- I think so. - She's welcome to join.

- Really? - Yes. do you have a hand mirror

- Would a powder compact also work? - Perfect.

do we make up?

We make friends with our pussies.

come here everyone

I didn't know how busy it was down there.

- Mine even winked at me. - Mine resembles David Niven.

So then, quiet please.

who wants to start

Marge?

No, do you want...

I finally left my husband.

- And therefore also my children. - My goodness.

I love my kids but...

Becoming a mother was n't my choice.

He's not a bad man, just...

It was all just so wrong.

It made me sick.

The pain of leaving my children is...

enormous.

I've been called heartless

slovenly,

Scum.

But I had to get out of there, because otherwise...

Otherwise these children would have no mother at all.

Maternity is considered compulsory, paternity voluntary.

- That's only too true. - We're not judging you.

How is Barbara? Just take good care of her.

- She's a diamond. - Yes, indeed.

- Get well soon from me, yes? - I'll tell her.

I'm sick of being given the responsibility

for the welfare of a fictional character.

The boundaries are a bit blurred there.

Bugger me.

Is this episode called "Morgue Party"?

"Visit from Bombay".

It would be nice. That would bring life to the place.

Barbara is traveling and Jim is having tea

for his counterpart from Bombay.

- Was that your idea, Den? - No, a suggestion from Ted Sargent.

That means we have no choice.

And who plays Jim's Indian counterpart?

Please not some guy with shoe polish on his face.

No way, we 're not a minstrel show.

- I have my eye on someone suitable. - Nice.

I...

I should...

Okay, no, I should...

Lately I have...

I guess I have a little...

Are you choking up a furball, or are you apologizing?

Yes, exactly that.

I mean the latter.

I'm sorry.

Well, none of us have particularly covered ourselves in fame.

Schön.

Gut.

And...

Here.

- Good. - Nice.

- Here. - Thanks, Tony.

Friends?

This is Harinder Singh.

- Hello. Tony Holmes. - I'm pleased.

- Bill Gardiner. - And you know Clive Richardson?

- "Who's in charge here?" - Very good.

point for you.

Please take space.

- Thanks for coming. - Very much.

Do you have any questions about your role first?

- No, it's self-explanatory. - Good.

But I have a question.

I've always wanted... What's under the hat?

What's under yours?

- But I don't wear a hat. - Me neither.

All right.

Well, let's go through the scene then .

Let's start. You come through the door, yes?

Without script.

Harinder, you're coming from the other side.

Thanks.

All right.

Hello! I'm Jim!

Have a good trip?

Yes, I have bon voyage.

But I don't have hearing impairment.

Come in.

May I take off my shoes?

Dear Dad, to distract me today,

I watched a fly lay eggs

and then when racing against two raindrops on the window pane.

I keep thinking about what I'm missing.

Dennis tells me to be patient, he's getting me back on the show.

But not even Dennis can work miracles.

Mary Whitehouse worries

for the moral backbone and well-being of this country!

Please write to me again soon.

If I sound desperate, it's only because I am.

Ying tong middle I po.

Vernon's cocktail parties are legendary.

His thoughts on Wittgenstein are incredibly exciting.

You hardly said a word.

Why should I come with you?

Everyone wanted the producer

of the highly amusing show "Jim and Barbara".

I'm sorry if you were expecting a Norman Wisdom.

did you want me to see you

What do you think?

Edith, I saw you with Vernon.

You have n't kissed me seriously in years .

If I 've been negligent in any way...

"Careless"?

Jeez, that sounds like you're drafting a legal deed!

Be angry, yell at me! Where is the passion?

Alright!

You're my woman. I love you.

But you're not in love with me anymore.

Or?

The break was too long, Dennis.

Are you in love with Vernon?

Yes, I am indeed.

And he's madly in love with me.

And when we fuck, he makes me feel like I'm...

Aphrodite.

There she is! Soph!

- Soph, come down! - We go out!

I'm here to save her.

- Come down! - We won't move until you come!

Come on, you two.

Heck, I wanted to go to bed early this morning.

My grandma too.

- Dennis says not to attract attention. - Here you are well hidden.

Are we going to spend the night in Smaug's cave?

- Hello. - Welcome to the Munch.

- Have fun. - Thanks.

This is Charlie.

Frankie?

What is this?

Drink is good for you.

- Dumbass. - Dumbass.

Tony!

No, I really can't dance. I'm just embarrassing myself.

Just shake your butt.

I really miss her.

Tony? Tony? Tony!

Tony!

Just let it melt.

I finally got it with Bill, but...

- Well done, Sherlock. - But with you?

what about june

are you going to tell her?

Soph...

Es war Junes Idea.

I'm sorry, what?

She wanted me to try

to find out

Once and for all, she said.

She must love you more than anything.

And I love her more than anything.

We just can't do it...

Do you understand?

And do you have?

Figured it out?

I've found that I like both.

I don't even know what that is.

Crap.

Somehow...

I envy Bill.

It's not easy for him in life

but for that it is clear.

Who says it has to be clear?

What's between you and June is nobody's business.

Do what you want.

I'm not as brave as you, Sophie.

me, brave?

I'm just cheating myself.

And I have no idea how to proceed now.

How far are we with the script? Tomorrow Frank

Without Sophie, it's difficult to get the momentum right.

But the guys are working hard on a temporary solution.

- I hope so. - We were lucky with the cast.

- For Guneet, the politician? - Yes.

Our man has very good timing. A true discovery.

Indeed he is.

- You know Harinder Singh? - Whom?

Spike Milligan was supposed to.

Spike is a star, certainly neither affordable nor available.

Then I'll call his agent personally.

It's not just that.

It would be more authentic and fun to take Harinder for the role.

Spike pulls off a delicious act as a Pakistani.

But our role is an Indian.

Spike was born in India , he can do it.

Harinder Singh is very funny. I want to give him the role.

If you would like me to consider reinstating Sophie Straw,

Spike will appear in the role.

Think about it.

Be careful with the prone twist, darling.

This woman really seems to think she is Barbara's mother.

someone would have to tell her

that Barbara is entirely made up.

No, Barbara is her real name.

You invented Sophie Straw, darling.

You're right.

How exciting. i feel like dr. Frankenstein.

We should show Sophie the letter.

No, I very much doubt

that she can handle such a distraction at the moment.

Throw it in the trash bin.

I'll do it.

Now also at the darned back door.

I told you she's not here!

- Here you go. - Dad, I'm impressed.

You are exactly right.

Cooking is fun for me.

The yolk is nice and soft, just how you like it.

tell me are you crying

TV Barbara does n't like soft-boiled eggs.

That's why everyone thinks I don't like them either.

And I'm crying because you know how I like eggs best.

Come here.

It's good.

- What is she doing here? - This is your home, Marie.

She's only here until the clouds clear.

She's sitting here in perfect health, although she's supposedly ill?

The press will find out. They knock on the door day and night.

- Do you know how it is? - Only too well.

It's your own fault, you wanted it that way.

You had a fiancé and a future in Blackpool, but no...

you wanted more.

Just like your mother.

- Marie! - Take my side.

- We're on your side. - On your side?

I've been glued to your side all your life .

- Now stop it, Marie. - Nothing there, brother!

you spoiled her

You put a bunch of nonsense in her head.

She has no idea what sacrifices I had to make.

I could never start a family of my own

because I always had them under my belt.

And then there was this brief moment

where I thought maybe it was worth it

but far from it.

Bang!

She had to destroy everything.

Stop.

And where's my soft-boiled egg?

Harinder spares us a white man as a laughable caricature.

- That's a small triumph. - A bloody huge triumph.

That is really good.

Who is that with Dennis?

Crap! Tony...

The godfather of comedy, dammit!

This is Spike Milligan.

Hello there.

Mr. Milligan, it is a great honor to make your acquaintance.

I have bon voyage. But I don't have hearing impairment.

He plays Guneet.

Madame can clean up while we're at the doctor's.

George, don't forget the scarf . you get death

- "George, don't forget the scarf." - I have heard that.

I wasn't copying you, that was Aggie from number 22.

- I want to go with you. - Can't, they're still here.

- All right. - Like that.

- See you later, Aggie. - See you later.

Forgiveness!

Be nice to the doctor.

- George! - Will you let me through, please?

I have no idea where she is. Don't you have a home?

place there.

- Na, Aggie? - George.

Come in, I'll make us some tea.

you can fuck me

- What. - Thanks, sweetie.

Joan sleeps with Harold Pinter, Lucian Freud with everyone else.

It is considered extremely cultivated.

Then I must be a Philistine.

- I don't want an affair. - Are you sure?

If you wanted to leave Vernon and stay my wife

I would agree

Very courteous of you.

I don't want anyone doing this out of a sense of duty

but one who cannot live without me.

You're a coward, Dennis.

I could say what I felt and act.

It's beneath your dignity, I know that.

I thought it better to let you know.

Ted Sargent and the press department have it covered.

Only in part.

The revolver magazine has so far withheld the photos of the liaison.

But unfortunately, the villains expect something in return.

What exactly do they want?

Jim and Barbara are happily reunited.

Preferably with a nice bling on her finger.

Jim and Barbara or Sophie and Clive?

Thank you very much.

For them it's basically one and the same.

The main thing is that it is enough for an exclusive title page.

I doubt Sophie wants me back.

She was really angry.

Poor thing clearly still has feelings for you.

And what woman doesn't dream of

being taken by storm by Clive Richardson ?

If you and Sophie got back together as the nation's dream couple,

would certainly row back at Ted Sargent .

Listen...

- I know I screwed up. - A slip happens to everyone.

But...

If I win her back, it will be sincere

and on my terms.

Not because I'm going to let some dirt sheet blackmail me.

Thanks for the drink

It was a pleasure for me.

Norris, medium shot of Spike.

I have to urgently.

Setting 40 on camera 2.

May I use your toilet?

And I was like, "Where 's my toothbrush?"

Congratulations, excellent show.

Spike was great. We book him for the rest of the season.

- Together with Sophie Straw. - Sophie who?

- We had an agreement. - Yes, that I would consider it.

I can't help but think

that you have an inflated opinion of Ms. Straw.

I have to ask myself whether your impulses are purely professional.

Somewhere deep inside you

meets the fact that Sophie is a beautiful and funny woman,

quite a sensitive nerve, isn't it, Ted?

I will accept your resignation with great regret.

I've already put them on.

Aggie, I hear

you did a big tour of the city.

- Yes / Yes. - You must be tired.

How are you feeling?

How I feel?

Or should I rather show you how I feel?

That was good.

God, my little one...

You were born for this.

Mr. Mahindra also says you're a natural.

When we do the show...

This is difficult to put into words.

Then there is no other place in the world I would rather be.

You're coming back, little one. you find a way

Dennis?

What brings you to Blackpool?

I am here to visit.

And you?

I have ... myself

acting like a giant asshole , hence...

Don't they ever give up?

It's good! Yes I am here!

Do you calm down if you take a photo...

Hallo, Soph.

Do you want to be my wife?

For her.

Will you say yes, Sophie?

Sophie, what are you up to?