Original subtitles

[TINNY DING]

[LOUD DING]

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

WELCOME TO THE MAJESTIC.

MAY I HELP YOU?

LIONEL SPALDING...

AND NEIL.

WELCOME TO THE MAJESTIC, MR. SPALDING, NEIL.

THANK YOU.

[SINGING OPERA]

THIS IS THE AIR SHAFT TO BASEMENT. DO YOU READ ME?

I READ YOU. WHAT'S YOUR 20?

I'M IN POSITION, FOUND OUR TARGET.

HE'S PICKING ON POOR ARTIE.

I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN AT THIS HOTEL.

YOU MUST SMILE WHEN YOU GREET THE GUESTS.

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS LADY WHO CHECKED IN.

SHE WEIGHS ABOUT A THOUSAND POUNDS.

THAT'S A PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY.

AND STAY FOCUSED. WE'RE ON A MISSION.

SORRY. 10-4.

ONE MORE TIME LIKE THIS, AND CUT.

O.K...GO.

IS HE ON THE MARK?

NOT YET.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

NOT YET.

** ** [GRRR]

[ARF]

NOW! NOW! NOW!

NO! OH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

[GRRR]

AAH!

[WHIMPERING]

UH-OH. AIR SHAFT TO BASEMENT.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

WE HOSED SOME GUESTS.

ABORT MISSION.

REPEAT-- ABORT MISSION.

HERE. COME HERE, BABY.

NEIL!

BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

GOTCHA.

WHOA!

MR. GRANT, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEP OUT HERE A MOMENT.

HEY, MURRAY.

HEY, BOYS.

[KYLE] SLOW DOWN!

WHAT THE...

WAIT A MINUTE.

BRIAN! KYLE!

BETTER SPLIT UP, KYLE.

WHAT? AAH!

WHOA!

SLOW DOWN!

OH!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

WELL...

ISN'T THIS A PLEASANT WAY TO START THE DAY?

HIS NAME IS NEIL.

AFTER NEIL ARMSTRONG.

[BABY TALK] THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON.

[ARF]

[GRRR]

AND HE'S VERY, VERY SENSITIVE.

I CAN SEE THAT JUST FROM LOOKING INTO HIS EYES.

I JUST HOPE HE HASN'T SUFFERED ANY SEVERE TRAUMA.

AHEM.

MR. GRANT.

YES. THANK YOU, NANCY.

DR. SULTINOFF...

HE'S ONE OF THE CITY'S FINEST PET PSYCHOLOGISTS.

PLEASE MENTION MY NAME,

AND I'M SURE HE'LL SEE NEIL RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.

SAY THANK YOU TO MR. GRANT.

[ARF]

HMM.

WE WERE AIMING FOR NORM. HE STOLE OUR FRISBEE.

HE DIDN'T STEAL YOUR FRISBEE.

HE DUG IT OUT OF THE SMOKED SALMON, WHERE YOU THREW IT.

WE DIDN'T MEAN TO SOAK ANY GUESTS.

MM-HMM.

KYLE, WOULD YOU HOLD THIS?

ATTABOY. WOULD YOU PUT IT IN RIGHT ABOUT HERE?

DAD.

NO, NO. I INSIST.

BRIAN, YOU, TOO.

CAN I HAVE ANOTHER KNIFE?

JUST PUSH IT IN. YOU MIGHT AS WELL,

BECAUSE IF THIS WEEK DOESN'T GO PERFECTLY,

AND IF YOU TWO DO ANYTHING TO FOUL THINGS UP,

I AM GOING TO BE SKEWERED, ROASTED,

AND SERVED AS DEAD DUCK FLAMBÉ.

SO UNLESS YOU TWO PREFER MOVING

FROM A FIVE-STAR HOTEL TO A TRAILER PARK,

WE WILL HAVE NO FURTHER DISTURBANCES.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

WE'RE SORRY, DAD.

NOW...

NEXT WEEK...

AFTER THIS IS ALL OVER,

WE GET TO GO ON VACATION.

YES!

BARBADOS FOR 10 DAYS,

JUST THE THREE OF US.

YES!

AND WE GET TO BE THE GUESTS,

AND WE WILL NAG,

AND WE WILL COMPLAIN,

AND WE WILL MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES MISERABLE.

YES!

BUT UNTIL THAT TIME...

YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED.

WHAT? WHAT?

COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GO. DINNER.

HEY, I WAS UP TO $400.

WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?

BARBADOS.

KYLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PRACTICING.

I FIGURE WE NEED SPEAR GUNS FOR SHARKS.

WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL IF WE GOT TO SHOOT A SHARK?

FOR EVERYONE BUT THE SHARK.

WILL THE HOTEL HAVE SPEAR GUNS?

WE'LL ASK THE CONCIERGE WHEN WE GET THERE.

HOW'S YOUR STEAK?

IT'S O.K.

O.K.? THAT'S THE FINEST FILET IN THE CITY.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD COOK FOR OURSELVES ONE NIGHT.

WHY? WE HAVE A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT

AT OUR BECK AND CALL.

WHAT IF OUR PLANE CRASHES

AND WE'RE STRANDED IN THE JUNGLE,

AND WE NEED SPEAR GUNS TO SHOOT OUR FOOD,

BUT WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK IT?

YOU THINK THE SAME WAY YOUR MOTHER DID.

DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT BEFORE?

IS THAT GOOD?

WELL...

IT WAS NEVER BORING.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

IF YOU GOT TO BE GROUNDED,

A FIVE-STAR HOTEL IS THE PLACE TO BE.

IF YOU'D LIKE EXTRA TOWELS OR ICE--

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

ENJOY YOUR STAY.

[MURMURING]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

[KNOCK]

[WHACK]

TERRIBLY SORRY. IT SLIPPED OUT OF MY HAND.

I HEARD SOMETHING IN THERE.

PROBABLY ONE OF MY SPORTS COATS.

I'VE BEEN TOLD THEY'RE A LITTLE BIT LOUD.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

OH. NOW I GET IT. HA HA HA.

THAT'S BETTER.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A LITTLE TRICK, HMM?

O.K.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW ALL SORTS OF TRICKS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY SPECIALITY IS, HMM?

NO.

I CAN MAKE NOSY LITTLE BOYS DISAPPEAR.

ONE MORE THING--

MY DOLLAR.

GOOD MORNING. RUTLEDGE.

WELCOME TO THE MAJESTIC, MR. RUTLEDGE.

LORD RUTLEDGE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

QUITE ALL RIGHT.

THE RUTLEDGES DON'T STAND ON THE CEREMONY.

LORD RUTLEDGE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MRS. DELLACROCE...

ARE YOU HERE FOR THE BALL?

OF COURSE.

WHERE IS POOR MR. DELLACROCE?

NOT HERE.

OH?

HOW--AHEM--

SAD.

LET'S GET TO WORK.

300 ROOMS, DUNSTON, EQUALS 600 EARRINGS,

IF MY MATH SERVES ME RIGHT.

HERE WE ARE...

THE MAJESTIC HOTEL.

AND IT'S OURS FOR THE TAKING.

WHERE BETTER TO BEGIN

THAN WITH THE LOVELY MRS. DELLACROCE?

ROOM 812.

REMEMBER HER?

I HOPE SHE HASN'T PAWNED ALL HER BEST JEWELRY

TO FINANCE THOSE FACELIFTS.

HA HA HA.

I THOUGHT YOU'D GIVEN UP.

[SIGHS]

IT WILL STUNT YOUR GROWTH.

NOW GIVE IT BACK.

UH-UH. UH-UH.

I'M A LITTLE TOO BUSY

FOR YOUR AMUSING LITTLE GAMES.

WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE IT BACK?

HEE HEE HEE.

MONKEY SPIT.

HOW DELICIOUS.

VERY GOOD.

YEAH. VERY GOOD.

DUNSTON, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ICE BUCKET?

I HAVE TWO WORDS TO SAY TO YOU...

MEDICAL...EXPERIMENTS.

THANK YOU.

NOW...

GO TO YOUR ROOM.

[PFFT PFFT]

I'M NOT DEBATING THIS.

YOU MOVE!

I'M A LIBERAL PARENT.

HAVE IT YOUR OWN WAY.

GOD FORBID I SHOULD SPOIL YOUR FUN.

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

[WHIMPERING]

SPARE THE ROD, AND SPOIL THE MONKEY.

[WHIMPERING]

[TRAFFIC NOISES]

DUBROW ALERT.

DUBROW ALERT?

DUBROW ALERT!

DUBROW ALERT.

DUBROW ALERT.

DUBROW ALERT!

DUBROW ALERT!

DUBROW AL...

LOBBY 3 DEGREES TOO COLD.

DOORMAN SLOW TO OPEN CAR DOOR.

TWO CRUSHED BUTTS IN ASHTRAY NUMBER ONE.

MAKE THAT 4 DEGREES TOO COLD.

BRR.

VICTOR...

COME ALONG, DARLING.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, DON'T YOU?

[GASPS]

MRS. DUBROW!

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO--

SHH. QUITE ALL RIGHT.

[ARF]

I'M TAKING HIM TO HIS ANALYST.

DON'T LET ME KEEP YOU...

"CONSUELO."

[ARF ARF]

I'M SORRY.

CONSUELO.

SO I KNOCKED ON THE TRUNK, AND HE KNOCKED BACK--

[RING]

HELLO.

DUBROW ALERT.

DUBROW ALERT.

WAIT. I'M NOT DONE.

YES, YOU ARE. SHE DOESN'T LIKE KIDS.

SHE ONCE KICKED BIG BIRD IN THE NUTS.

DAD!

DAD, PUT ME DOWN!

DAD, PUT ME DOWN!

DAD!

UNDER THE DESK!

ROBERT.

MRS. DUBROW.

OOH! LITTLE ROLL IN THE CARPET.

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!

MR. DUBROW, NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR.

FLUFFY TOWELS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

READ THE CARDS, ROBERT.

GOT TO KEEP UP ON THE CARDS

SO YOU KNOW WHAT OUR GUESTS WANT.

KNOW WHAT THEY WANT?

KNOW WHAT THEY WANT?

FLUFFY TOWELS?

THAT'S RIGHT. NICE, FLUFFY TOWELS.

TALK TO THE LAUNDRY IMMEDIATELY.

VICTOR, DARLING, SIT DOWN AND WORK ON YOUR CARDS.

ROBERT, WE HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS.

UH...

HA HA HA HA!

DOESN'T IT LOOK GREAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, IT'S WONDERFUL, MRS. DUBROW.

I WAS JUST THINKING THAT THE LE MONDE PEOPLE

MIGHT NOT APPRECIATE US JUST ADDING A SIXTH STAR.

NO, NO. THE LE MONDE PEOPLE

HAVE DECIDED TO AWARD A SIXTH STAR

TO THE MOST ELITE HOTELS IN THE WORLD.

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY

THEY HAVE A PERSON HERE NOW.

TH-THE LE MONDE PEOPLE HAVE A REPRESENTATIVE HERE NOW...THIS WEEK?

OF COURSE! THIS WEEK!

THE CRYSTAL BALL IS THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON.

WHY SHOULDN'T THEY BE HERE?

I WANT THAT SIXTH STAR, ROBERT. ARE WE CLEAR?

I WILL BE VERY UPSET IF I DON'T GET IT.

I UNDERSTAND.

GOOD.

NEXT WEEK WHEN EVERY TRAVEL SECTION IN THE COUNTRY INTERVIEWS US,

I WANT YOU IN THE PICTURE WITH ME.

NEXT WEEK.

COULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR...JUST A SECOND?

AHEM.

UH, AH...

OH! UM...

OH, YES, YES.

I--I AM SCHEDULED FOR A VACATION NEXT WEEK.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

OW! [THUNK]

UH...BANGED MY KNEE. TRICK KNEE.

ROBERT, I NEED YOU HERE.

DAD, YOU PROMISED!

IF YOU WANT TO KILL ME, JUST KILL ME.

PICK SOMETHING UP AND BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD.

WHY IS HE TALKING TO HIS CROTCH?

IS THERE A PROBLEM... ROBERT?

NO. NO.

DAD!

UH, WELL, YES, UM... ACTUALLY, MRS. DUBROW,

THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THAT I'VE HAD TO CANCEL--

NO, THE THIRD!

WORD. WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?

I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

THE WORDS FLY OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

IT MAKES ME INSANE WHEN...

PAPER?

HUH?

ROBERT, I KNOW IT'S AN INCONVENIENCE.

UH, YES...

LET ME JUST PUT IT THIS WAY.

WHEN WE GET THE SIXTH STAR,

YOU ARE IN FOR A BIG BONUS,

AND YOU CAN TAKE THEM SOMEPLACE FABULOUS... EVENTUALLY.

BUT IF WE DON'T GET THE SIXTH STAR,

WELL--HA HA HA--

TIME OFF JUST WON'T BE A PROBLEM, WILL IT?

ANY OTHER PROBLEMS?

NO.

GOOD. OH, ONE MORE THING.

SINCE THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT TIME FOR THE HOTEL,

YOU SHOULD FIRE SOMEBODY.

YES, MRS. DUBROW--

I HAVEN'T ASKED YOU TO FIRE ANYBODY SINCE...

CHRISTMAS.

YES.

WELL, THERE'S A CLUMSY CLERK

WITH A FOREIGN-SOUNDING NAME.

CONSUELO.

SHE'LL DO.

COME ALONG, VICTOR, DARLING!

REALLY, MRS. DUBROW, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S--

ROBERT, NOW, JUST DO IT!

BY THE WAY,

THERE'S A SMALL BOY UNDER YOUR DESK.

THAT'S NOT FAIR, DAD!

YOU PROMISED US.

LET ME WORK ON IT, KYLE.

I NEED TO SEE CONSUELO.

OH, ALL RIGHT. SEND HER IN.

YOU CAN'T FIRE CONSUELO.

I HAVE A SYSTEM, KYLE.

FORTUNATELY, MRS. DUBROW NEVER REMEMBERS

WHO IT IS SHE WANTS ME TO FIRE.

YES, MR. GRANT?

CONSUELO, CONSUELO...

MM-HMM.

I'M GIVING YOU

A WEEK'S PAID VACATION, STARTING RIGHT NOW.

ON ONE CONDITION--

YOU HAVE TO RUN OUT OF THIS OFFICE RIGHT NOW, CRYING.

O.K.

BUENO.

[SOBS]

ZOOM IN ON EIGHT.

HE'S A BIG, SCARY GUY

WITH A HUGE TRUNK AND LOTS OF STICKERS.

RIGHT. SCARY GUY. HUGE TRUNK. GOT IT.

KEEP AN EYE OUT, O.K.?

YOU BET, KID.

THIS ONE REALLY LIKED ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MMM...THEY'RE O.K.

I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS GUY.

KYLE, WE'RE PREOCCUPIED HERE.

I HAVE A SENSE ABOUT THESE THINGS.

I KNOW YOU DO.

HE'S UP TO NO GOOD!

KEEP AN EYE OUT. HE COULD BE ANYWHERE!

I'M GOING TO SCHMOOZE THE GUESTS.

DO WHAT YOUR BROTHER SAYS... WITHIN REASON.

THE HUMAN BODY CAN ONLY STAND

SO MANY CENTURIES OF INBREEDING.

[TITTERS]

I BEG YOUR PARDON. ARE YOU THE MANAGER?

YES, I AM. ROBERT GRANT.

LORD RUTLEDGE. TELL ME...

WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE CHAMPAGNE, NEAR THE FURNACE?

IS THERE A PROBLEM, LORD RUTLEDGE?

NO. IT'S JUST THAT YOUR ROOM SERVICE

BROUGHT ME A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

THAT I COULD HAVE QUITE COMFORTABLY BATHED IN,

HAD THERE BEEN ANY SOAP.

WELL, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

YES. YOU SHOULD BE.

GOOD EVENING, MRS. DELLACROCE.

GOOD EVENING.

THANK YOU.

HAVE A NICE EVENING, MA'AM.

[GUNSHOTS]

[SINGING]

I STILL SAY YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE.

DOCTOR, I'D LIKE TO KISS YOU GOOD-BYE.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT...YOU'RE SO DAMNED UGLY!

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

[BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP]

SO, BRIAN, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TONIGHT?

WHOA, WHAT IS THIS "WE" STUFF?

REMEMBER, MR. SPALDING IN 612 NEEDS HIS DOG WALKED.

DON'T FORGET TO THANK HIM

IF HE GIVES YOU A TIP.

HIS NAME IS NEIL,

AFTER NEIL ARMSTRONG, THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON.

I LOVE THE ASTRONAUTS, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, SURE.

I WANT YOU TO BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL WITH HIM.

'CAUSE HE'S MY PRIDE

AND JOY, JOY, JOY!

BACK IN 10.

[ARR-ARR]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

DUNSTON, IT'S DADDY.

IS EVERYTHING GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN?

[PFFT]

DON'T FORGET. JEWELS, NOT JUNK!

[PFFT]

[PFFT PFFT PFFT]

[SHOUTING] LISTEN TO ME--

MMM.

AHH!

[CRASH]

[KISSING SOUNDS]

COME ON, NEIL. LET'S GO!

COME ON. COME ON!

LET'S GO, NEIL. COME AND GET ME.

COME ON, BOY. FASTER!

COME ON. ONCE AROUND.

COME ON, NEIL! RUN.

1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.

COME ON! LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT.

LEFT PAW, RIGHT PAW. LEFT PAW, RIGHT PAW.

ONE MORE LAP.

[RUFF RUFF RUFF]

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

[RUFF RUFF]

WHAT DO YOU SMELL, BOY?

WHOA!

NEIL!

[WHINES]

[RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF]

[THA-DUMP]

NEIL!

NEIL.

NEIL!

[RUFF RUFF]

[RUFF RUFF RUFF]

AAH!

MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, UH...

NEIL!

AND WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

UH...

A TIP?

KYLE, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT THE VACATION,

BUT THAT IS REALLY NO EXCUSE

TO THROW A GUEST'S DOG INTO THE GARBAGE!

I DIDN'T THROW HIM IN THE GARBAGE.

THEN WHAT HAPPENED? NO, DON'T TELL ME.

I'LL GUESS. YOU GAVE HIM A COFFEE-GROUND BATH TO IMPROVE HIS COAT.

HE JUMPED OFF THE DOG WALK!

THE DOG IS SUICIDAL? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?

HE SMELLED THE MONSTER ON THE LEDGE AND JUMPED OVER.

OH, HE SMELLED THE MONSTER. IT MAKES SENSE NOW.

HE SMELLED THE MONSTER ON THE LEDGE!

IT WAS THE SMELLY LEDGE MONSTER!

WAY TO BLOW THE TIP, PSYCHO.

AAH!

LISTEN, BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO PASS SENTENCE.

YOU ARE BOTH GROUNDED!

WE'RE ALREADY GROUNDED.

YOU'RE DOUBLE GROUNDED!

AND, BRIAN, NO POKER,

NO VIDEOS, AND NO USING THE SECURITY ROOM

FOR YOUR OWN VOYEURISTIC PLEASURES.

AND, KYLE, NO...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

NO...

[RING RING]

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THE PUNISHMENT THING.

MR. GRANT, SORRY TO DISTURB YOU. THERE'S BEEN A ROBBERY.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

WHAT ABOUT HIS PUNISHMENT?

THINK OF SOMETHING YOU REALLY LIKE.

YOU GOT IT?

YEAH.

NO THAT!

GOOD EVENING, LORD RUTLEDGE.

HOW WAS THE PLAY?

DELIGHTFUL.

HAVEN'T SAID THAT WORD IN MONTHS.

NOW...

SHOW DADDY WHAT YOU GOT, HMM?

[TITTERS]

I'M NOT AMUSED.

I'M IN NO MOOD FOR THIS, DUNSTON.

DON'T DO THIS, DUNSTON.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BROTHER...

DON'T YOU?

SAMSON LIKED TO PLAY GAMES, DIDN'T HE?

HMM?

AND WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO SAMSON,

HMM?

WELL... [MUMBLING]

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

GOD, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!

AAH! [THUNK]

[SCREECHES]

DUNSTON, YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL!

DUNSTON!

DUNSTON, COME BACK HERE.

THIS JOB IS NOT OVER.

THE PIE IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING!

DUNSTON, DADDY'S SORRY.

[TITTERS]

DUNSTON, I'VE GOT SOME LOVELY BANANAS HERE.

[TITTERS]

DON'T WAVE YOUR HAIRY BOTTOM AT ME!

DUNSTON, REMEMBER, WE'RE PARTNERS!

THIS IS BUSINESS STRAIGHT DOWN THE LINE.

COME BACK HERE!

DUNSTON!

DUNSTON!

LEAVE IT ON, PLEASE.

GOOD NIGHT, BUDDY.

GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

YOU STILL SAY GOOD NIGHT TO MOM?

YEAH.

THAT'S NOT STUPID OR ANYTHING...

IS IT?

NO, KYLE.

IT'S NOT STUPID AT ALL.

8 P.M., MRS. DELLACROCE LEAVES FOR DINNER.

JEWELS ARE STILL THERE.

THREE HOURS LATER, MRS. DELLACROCE RETURNS.

THE JEWELS ARE GONE.

DURING THAT TIME,

NOBODY ELSE WENT THROUGH THAT DOOR, MRS. DUBROW.

WHO IS THAT?

THAT'S LORD RUTLEDGE.

I WONDER WHAT HE'S DOING.

THAT'S VERY ODD.

DUNSTON?

DUNSTON!

DUNNY...

THE MAN FROM LE MONDE.

MY HAND.

STOP IT.

STOP IT!

MY HAND.

DAD!

THERE'S A GORILLA IN THE BATHROOM!

KYLE, THERE IS NO GORILLA IN THE BATHROOM.

BUT, DAD--

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I CAN'T SLEEP NOW!

THEN WATCH TV.

NICE BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE.

YOU'LL BE OUT IN NO TIME.

SEND THE RIOT SQUAD. KONG HAS ESCAPED!

[RRR]

[SLURPS]

KYLE, GO TO SLEEP.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT

IF YOU'RE STILL SCARED, BUT JUST TONIGHT.

[COUGHS]

DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH?

WHAT ARE YOU... ARE YOU WEARING YOUR FLANNELS?

[RING]

WELL, YOU SLEPT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE BATHROOM!

GUESS HE REALLY HAS TO GO.

THE CAMCORDER!

NO!

DAD'S GOING TO KILL YOU

WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU LOST HIS CAMCORDER.

I DIDN'T LOSE IT. THE GORILLA DID.

OH, RIGHT. THE GORILLA.

WHEN WE GET IT BACK, YOU'LL SEE.

[WHISTLES]

MAKE THAT THREE MONTHS' ALLOWANCE

AND SIX MONTHS OF MAKING MY BED.

DEAL.

OH, BOY.

HOLD ON.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME,

THERE'S A BOX OF MAGAZINES UNDER MY BED.

GET RID OF THEM, O.K.?

GOTCHA.

[HUMS]

BRIAN, YOU O.K.?

YEAH, FINE, KYLE.

HOLD ON!

I FOUND SOMETHING!

KYLE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

EXCUSE ME, BUT, UH,

CAN YOU STOP DOING THAT?

YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

SEE, MY BROTHER'S DOWN THERE,

AND, HE, UH, HE GETS...

KYLE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

OOF!

UH...

H-HELLO.

DUNSTON, STOP THAT!

AAH!

OOF!

I'M GOING TO KILL HIM! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

DADDY'S VERY ANGRY, DUNSTON,

VERY ANGRY, INDEED.

OH! OW! OW!

AH HA HA HA HA!

AAH!

DAMN!

AAH!

WHOA!

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

SHOOT.

DAD'S GOING TO KILL ME!

GEE...

THANKS...

DUNSTON?

THAT GUY ALWAYS MEAN TO YOU?

DON'T WORRY. NO ONE'S GOING TO HURT YOU.

I PROMISE.

ROBERT!

ROBERT.

ROBERT!

THE LE MONDE SPY IS NAMED RUTLEDGE.

LORD RUTLEDGE?

YOU'VE MET HIM?

WELL, I--WE PASSED IN THE HALL.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

JUST THAT THE CHAMPAGNE...

THAT--THAT WE ARE THE--

THE CHAMPAGNE OF HOTELS.

THAT BODES WELL FOR YOU, DOESN'T IT?

ALMOST THERE.

HEY, KYLE!

HI.

GET BACK IN THERE!

OH...

WHAT HAVE WE HERE,

HMM?

ROOM SERVICE?

WE MUST HAVE A LITTLE TALK LATER.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

DUNSTON, GET BACK HERE!

DUNSTON?

* OW, OW *

* ALL ABOARD THAT FUNK BOAT *

* THAT I'M ABOUT TO START SAILIN' NOW *

* ALL YOU RIGGERS AND ALL YOU PARTY TRICKERS *

* EVERYBODY'S IN THE FUNKY BLOWOUT *

* YOU KNOW WHERE TO SET SAIL FROM *

* JUST AROUND THE CORNER FROM THE PORTOBELLO ROAD *

* DOWNTOWN, W-10, YOU'RE MY BEST, BABY *

* BABY, DO WHAT YOU DONE TOLD *

* I GOT BOTTLES OF BEER AND A DECK OR TWO *

* ALL MY FRIENDS ARE NOW COMING IN *

* LUCY AND JULES LOOKIN' GOOD, GIRLS *

* SO ALL ABOARD, LET THE PARTY BEGIN *

* I'M ON THE MIKE, I MAKE YOU DANCE *

* I MAKE YOU FUNK, I MAKE YOU SWEAT *

* FROM NOW TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN *

* SO GET UP THE WALL, LET'S HAVE A BALL *

* TILL THE MORNING COMES, AND I SAID *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* DO WHAT I SAY *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* DON'T DO WHAT I DO *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* COME ON, HAVE FUN *

* LIVIN' IN THE CITY *

* HERE WE GO... **

Dunston.

Dunston.

[SIGHS] OHH...

SO FAR IT'S BEEN A GHASTLY TRIP.

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

MR. DELLACROCE DIDN'T COME WITH ME.

OH, HA HA.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GOING TO GO GET THAT SPECIAL OIL.

DON'T BE LONG.

OOH!

AH HA HA.

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

OH, THAT'S JUST HOW I LIKE IT.

[TITTERS]

[LAUGHS] YES!

OH, WILLIAM!

YOU ARE AMAZING!

HOO HOO!

OH!

WILLIAM!

OH, YOU ARE ASTOUNDING!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT IT'S FABULOUS!

WILLIAM.

OH!

AH HA!

OOH!

OUCH!

OH!

HA HA HA!

OUCH! HA HA!

OH! MORE! MORE, WILLIAM, MORE!

HA HA HA HA!

OH, WILLIAM!

DON'T STOP, WILLIAM.

WILLIAM?

[LAUGHS] WILLIAM...

OH, WILLIAM!

[PFFT]

DUNSTON! COME ON, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE FAST!

O.K. YOU STAY HERE AND BE VERY QUIET.

MY DAD'S GOING TO HELP US.

DON'T WORRY, DUNSTON.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MMM.

IS THAT A LOOFAH?

THAT FEELS GREAT, HELAINE.

MMM. THAT'S INTERESTING PERFUME.

IS THAT...MUSK?

HELAINE, WHAT ARE YOU DO--

AAH! PERVERT!

OUCH.

BUT, DAD, KYLE TRIED TO KILL ME!

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

YOU SHOULD PUT HIM IN A SPECIAL SCHOOL.

THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM, COOK FOR HIM.

WHAT?

WHAT IS YOUR BROTHER DOING IN THE SPA?

DAD!

IT WASN'T A MONSTER.

IT'S A MONKEY, AND HIS NAME IS DUNSTON!

AND THIS GUY WANTS TO HURT HIM, AND HE'S HIDING!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHERE IS HE?

TERRIBLY SORRY, LADIES.

BUT, DAD, HE WAS HERE--

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME DOWN HERE?

WHAT LANGUAGE DO YOU SPEAK?

IT'S HIM, THE GUY!

TOLD YOU, DAD. CRAZY.

BRIAN!

THAT'S HIM! THAT'S THE GUY!

THIS IS HIM, DAD.

HE'S GOT A MONKEY NAMED DUNSTON,

AND HE TRIED TO HURT HIM.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW!

MY DAD'S HERE!

WELL...

LORD RUTLEDGE, I AM...

TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY SORRY.

IT'S NO WONDER THIS HOTEL IS SO SHODDILY RUN.

YOU CAN'T EVEN CONTROL ONE SMALL BOY, CAN YOU?

WELL...

HE'S VERY...VERY SORRY, AREN'T YOU, KYLE?

NO! HE TRIED TO HURT DUNSTON!

YOUR SON, SIR, IS BEHAVING LIKE A LUNATIC.

NO, I'M NOT!

ENOUGH!

APOLOGIZE TO LORD RUTLEDGE.

BUT, DAD--

NOW.

I'M SORRY.

NOW GET UPSTAIRS.

AND STAY THERE.

AH...UH...

LORD RUTLEDGE, UH, I WOULD, UM,

VERY MUCH LIKE YOU TO BE MY GUEST AT DINNER THIS EVENING.

OH, HOW THRILLING.

WELL, EXCELLENT.

I'M SURE YOU WILL ENJOY THE CUISINE HERE.

I DOUBT THAT THE CITY OFFERS ANY DINING EXPERIENCE...

AH. LADIES.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING

QUITE SO DETAINED.

MRS. FELDMAN, MRS. WINTHROP.

MRS. WINTHROP...

MRS. FELDMAN.

YES. YES, OF COURSE.

OBVIOUSLY.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

LET ME SAY HOW GRATEFUL WE ALL ARE

FOR THE WONDERFUL WORK

THAT YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN DOING

IN ITS FIGHT AGAINST, UH...

AHEM.

TINEAVERSICOLA.

IT'S A SKIN DISEASE.

NOT DEADLY, JUST... UNSIGHTLY.

ALL THE GOOD DISEASES WERE TAKEN.

YES. YES, THEY WERE.

NOW, I KNOW THAT YOUR ORGANIZATION

HAS BEEN TO THE FOUR SEASONS.

I WOULD BE LOATH TO EVER SPEAK ILL OF A COMPETITOR, BUT--

HOLY SHIT!

HE MUST REALLY HATE THE FOUR SEASONS.

NO! NO! NO!

I'M SORRY.

I JUST WASN'T PREPARED TO SPEAK ABOUT MONKEYS--MONEY!

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I WILL BE...RIGHT BACK.

HA HA! WITH THE DOORKNOB--

HA HA. OH, GOSH!

CALL SECURITY.

EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY!

CALL THE BEST ANIMAL CONTROL PERSON IN THE CITY.

NANCY, NANCY... CALL KYLE, AND, UH,

APOLOGIZE FOR ME.

I GOT A MONKEY IN MY HOTEL.

MONKEY!

[SINGSONG] OH...MONKEY!

I WONDER WHERE HE IS.

* YOO-HOO! *

* HERE, HERE **

AAH--

MR. GRANT SEEMS VERY COMPETENT.

YES.

UNTIL HE RAN SCREAMING FROM THE ROOM, OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

AAH!

AAH!

[HORN HONKS]

AHEM.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

MM-HMM.

OKEY-DOKE.

ALL THESE MONKEYS

ARE...CRIMINALS?

WELL...

THAT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HIM.

PONGO PYGMAEUS.

YOU'VE GOT AN ORANGUTAN PROBLEM, MR. GRANT.

WHERE DID HE COME FROM?

WELL, MA'AM,

WHEN TWO ORANGUTANS FALL IN LOVE...

I...THINK SHE MEANS

HOW DID HE GET IN THE HOTEL?

OH.

MY GUESS...

THE SEWERS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.

IT'S EASTER.

YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE CUTE

TO PUT A BABY ORANGUTAN IN YOUR KID'S BASKET.

WELL, AT FIRST IT IS CUTE.

THEN IT GETS BIGGER.

THE KIDS LOSE INTEREST.

AND THEN ONE NIGHT...

YOU FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

YOU EVER BEEN IN THE SEWERS OF THIS CITY,

MR. GRANT?

WELL, I HAVE!

I COULD TELL YOU STORIES...

OOH!

I SAW A TURTLE ONE TIME...

LOOKED LIKE A VOLKSWAGEN WITH A TAIL.

IT WAS 1967...

SUMMER OF LOVE.

I HAVEN'T FELT COMFORTABLE

SITTING ON THE JOHN SINCE.

SINCE...1967?

NOW, IF HE'S CONTAINED...

IT SHOULD BE EASY.

DAD!

NO!

DAD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOT NOW, SON.

EXCUSE--AAH!

DAD, WHY DOES HE HAVE A GUN?

I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

HEY...

SORRY I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU.

NOW TAKE OFF, O.K.?

THIS TRANQUILIZER DART

WILL KNOCK A HUMAN OUT FOR 18 HOURS.

AND ITS EFFECT ON AN ORANGUTAN?

KILL HIM, MOST LIKELY.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SAY

THAT THIS MONKEY MADE A MONKEY OUT OF US.

DON'T MOVE UNLESS I SAY SO!

IF YOU SEE THE MONKEY, YELL OUT LOUDLY.

MURRAY! MURRAY, QUICK!

HE GOT OUT! HE'S IN THE KITCHEN!

YOU'D BETTER GET THERE FAST. DAD'S PRETTY MAD!

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO. MOVE. MOVE!

DUNSTON?

DUNSTON, IT'S ME!

[SNORES]

MMM.

DUNSTON!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

DID YOU GET LOST?

[DOOR OPENS]

SHH.

BE QUIET, O.K.?

PONGO PYGMAEUS.

[KISSING SOUNDS]

GET OFF.

[PFFT PFFT PFFT]

[PFFT]

[PFFT] [PFFT]

[PFFT] [PF-F-F-FT]

[KISSING SOUNDS]

GO ON, GET OFF.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T GET OFF.

OOH, OOH, OOH!

[GUNSHOT]

OH.

LET'S TRY THE PLAZA.

AB-ABSOLUTELY.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

DID YOU GET HIM?

NO. I DID NOT.

WE'RE DEALING WITH A VERY SMART ANIMAL HERE.

HE'S A PSYCHO.

BUT I LIKE OBSESSIVE PEOPLE.

THEY GET THINGS DONE!

HE'S STILL HERE!

I CAN FEEL IT.

DUNSTON!

DUNSTON, ARE YOU HERE? IT'S ME.

DUNSTON.

HE'S INCREDIBLE, KYLE.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.

WHOA.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

IT'S A PIECE OF GLASS.

[SHRIEKS]

IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS,

YOU'LL HAVE TO HOLD HIM.

HE'S SCARED.

WELL, DO WHAT DAD DOES.

SING TO HIM.

O.K.

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

* YOU LOOK LIKE A MONKEY *

* AND YOU ACT LIKE ONE, TOO **

[WHIMPERS]

DUNSTON, I KNOW IT HURTS,

BUT IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET A SHOT

OR BROCCOLI.

IT'S BETTER IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT IT.

LOOK AT ME, DUNSTON.

LOOK AT ME.

IT'S GOING TO BE O.K.

GOT IT.

WE GOT IT, DUNSTON.

ISN'T HE COOL?

SURE, HE'S COOL, KYLE,

BUT WHAT WILL WE DO WITH HIM?

HE CAN STAY IN MY ROOM.

COME ON. DAD MIGHT BE A LITTLE PREOCCUPIED,

BUT I THINK HE'LL NOTICE AN ORANGUTAN IN YOUR ROOM.

WAIT A MINUTE. WE HAVE LOTS OF ROOMS.

O.K., NAME?

"LAM BINH NGOC."

WHAT?

L-A-M...

B-I-N-H...

N-G-O-C.

GOT IT. LAM BINH NGOC. DR. LAM BINH NGOC.

HOTEL THINKS YOU'RE A DOCTOR,

YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

LET'S GO, DR. NGOC.

WHOA.

COOL.

IMPRESSIVE.

THE ROYAL SUITE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, DUNSTON?

UH-OH.

WHOA!

[BURPS]

DAMN!

YOU'VE RUINED MY RETIREMENT FUND.

TREACHEROUS LITTLE HAIRBALL.

LORD RUTLEDGE.

HOW WAS YOUR MEAL?

WELL, FROM THE LOOK OF THE SOUP,

MY GUESS IS THAT SOMEONE IN YOUR KITCHEN

HAS A SERIOUS HAIR-LOSS PROBLEM.

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL.

GOOD NIGHT.

WELL...

HOW WAS HIS MEAL?

WELL, I BELIEVE HE USED THE WORDS "ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL."

I HOPE SO, YOU KNOW,

ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT LITTLE INCIDENT

WITH YOUR SON TODAY.

OH, MRS. DUBROW, THAT WAS TOTALLY--

ROBERT, I LIKE CHILDREN, I REALLY DO,

BUT LET ME JUST ASK YOU THIS.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S A WAY

WE CAN KEEP YOUR BOYS LOCKED IN THEIR ROOMS

JUST UNTIL THE CRYSTAL BALL IS OVER?

WE CAN MAKE A GAME OUT OF IT.

WE COULD CALL IT QUARANTINE.

MRS. DUBROW, I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER INCIDENTS.

AS OF THIS MOMENT,

THEY ARE BOTH ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR.

[CRASH]

WHOO!

YEAH! WHAT A CATCH!

INCOMING!

WHOO-HOO!

I'D LIKE TO ORDER TWO BANANA SPLITS,

EXTRA BANANAS ON EACH,

AND A CAESAR SALAD WITH EXTRA BANANAS AS WELL.

ROLL! ROLL!

ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL!

ROLL! ROLL! ROLL!

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

YOU HEARD ME. MORE BANANAS.

THAT'S RIGHT. BANANAS.

MMM...

* HEY, COME ON AND HAVE A BALL *

* YOU'RE DOIN' TOO MUCH THIEVIN'... **

WHOA!

GOT IT!

WHOO-HOO!

WELL, DUNSTON, FRISBEE MAY NOT BE YOUR GAME.

DON'T WORRY.

THAT RUTLEDGE GUY WILL NEVER FIND YOU HERE.

COME ON, KYLE. WE'D BETTER GO.

I'M COMING.

GOOD NIGHT, DUNSTON.

THANKS, BRIAN.

FOR WHAT?

HELPING.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL? I'M GROUNDED.

I GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

BOY, IF DAD EVER FINDS OUT

THAT WE CHECKED DUNSTON INTO THE HOTEL,

WE'D BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WELL, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT IF I WERE YOU.

FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS,

DAD'S GOING TO HAVE HIS HANDS FULL.

TERRIBLE.

[PEOPLE MOAN]

ABSOLUTELY.

NO.

IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR.

EXCELLENT.

BRAVO.

MAJESTIC...

HOTEL.

ROOM SERVICE.

WORD SEARCH--BANANA.

ONE BANANA.

TWO BANANAS.

WELL, DR. NGOC,

EITHER YOU'VE GOT A POTASSIUM DEFICIENCY

OR I THINK WE MIGHT BE IN BUSINESS.

THERE IT IS.

IT'S JUST A ZOO.

IT'S NOT GREAT,

BUT AT LEAST THEY'LL BE NICE TO YOU,

AND YOU WON'T STEAL OR ANYTHING.

YOU SEE, EVERYONE WILL BE AT THAT STUPID BALL,

SO I CAN SNEAK YOU OUT THE BACK.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

THAT'S BRIAN.

[GASP]

DR. NGOC, I PRESUME.

ROBERT, GORGEOUS.

WE HAVE DONE...

A SPECTACULAR JOB.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

HEY.

HI.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

HI. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

HE BROUGHT A DOG.

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

COULD YOU LOSE THE DOG?

SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FRIEND.

HE JUST BECAME AN EVEN MORE

ENDANGERED SPECIES.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

TIME TO CHECK OUT.

GET IN THAT TRUNK.

OH, SO NOW YOU'RE READY TO GO TO WORK, ARE YOU?

WELL, FORGET IT. GET IN THE TRUNK.

OH...

SO NOW WE'RE FEELING REPENTANT.

[WHIMPERS]

GO ON, THEN. GIVE DADDY A BIG HUG.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

YOU'LL BE JOINING YOUR BROTHER VERY SOON.

AAH! AAH!

[MUFFLED] DUNSTON, HELP ME.

HELP ME, DUNSTON. GET IT OFF.

OW.

LORD RUTLEDGE...

THE BALL IS THIS WAY.

NO, BUT--

NO, NO, NO BUTS.

YOU ARE MY SPECIAL GUEST THIS EVENING.

REALLY?

MRS. DUBROW, I'M LIONEL SPALDING.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

LORD RUTLEDGE, I'M ELENA DUBROW.

I OWN THIS HOTEL.

THIS IS THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO MISS IT.

DO COME IN. LOOK.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

COME ON, DUNSTON.

I KNOW A GREAT WAY OUT OF HERE.

COME ON.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE I KNOW YOUR NAME.

BUCK LAFARGE, ANIMAL SECURITY.

HOW'S IT HANGING?

OH, WELL...

MUSTELA ARMENIA--

MEMBER OF THE WEASEL FAMILY.

OH!

CHAMPAGNE?

IS IT FREE?

YES.

DOG.

DOG, WE'RE GOING TO SIT HERE.

SIT.

[BARKS]

AAH!

HEEL, DOG.

PLEASE HEEL.

OH, NO.

LORD RUTLEDGE.

SEE?

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

BRIAN, WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM.

KYLE, I'M A LITTLE BUSY HERE.

DUNSTON'S IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.

GREAT MOVE. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HIM UPSTAIRS.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

RUTLEDGE GOT ME, AND I FOUND THIS IN HIS ROOM.

LOOK AT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S FIND DAD.

[DOG BARKS]

I SAW A TURTLE ONE TIME,

LOOKED LIKE A VOLKSWAGEN WITH A TAIL.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY.

COULD YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE DOG?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DAD, YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S A PICTURE OF LORD RUTLEDGE AND TWO MONKEYS.

I WAS JUST TELLING LORD RUTLEDGE

HE SHOULD VISIT ONE OF OUR OTHER FINE HOTELS.

HOW ARE THE MINTS?

BEG YOUR PARDON?

ON YOUR PILLOW AT NIGHT,

YOU LIKE THE MINTS?

WHY, YOU...

REALLY? NO MINTS?

MY GOD.

HE IS THOROUGH.

HELLO, DUNSTON.

WILL YOU PLEASE--

LORD RUTLEDGE.

MRS. DELLACROCE.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?

LOST YOUTH.

I'M IN ROOM 812.

BYE, DARLING.

HE TIED YOU UP?

HE'S GOING TO HURT DUNSTON IF HE FINDS HIM.

PLEASE, DAD. YOU'VE GOT TO HELP HIM.

O.K.

O.K.

YOU GUYS, YOU SPLIT UP,

YOU FIND THE MONKEY,

AND YOU TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS TO THE APARTMENT.

I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF LORD RUTLEDGE.

[ARF]

HE'S IN THERE, FANG?

[ARF]

ALL RIGHT.

AS YOU WERE.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

HOW CAN THESE WOMEN WEAR FUR?

I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

HOW THEY BLUDGEONED AND TORTURED

THE POOR LITTLE ANIMALS.

THAT IS WHY I ALWAYS CARRY PICTURES

OF THE PROCESS.

THAT IS HOW THEY DO IT

TO POOR LITTLE BUNNY RABBITS.

OH, THIS IS HORRIFYING.

WHY CAN'T WE TREAT ALL CREATURES

WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT?

PIG!

CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING, SON?

I'M LOOKING FOR A PONGO PYGMAEUS.

I CATCH YOU LOOKING

AT MY WIFE'S PONGO PYGMAEUS ONCE MORE,

I'M GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF.

RIGHT.

[GASP]

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

AH...

OH, THE BABY QUICHE.

I LOVE THESE.

LOVELY. MY MOTHER USED TO MAKE THESE.

SHE DID.

THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.

AH...

SHRIMP BOAT.

THANK YOU.

[HEE HEE HEE]

THERE'S A MONKEY HEAD IN MY LAP!

A BIG, HAIRY MONKEY!

MONKEY HEAD! MONKEY HEAD!

WHAT ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE STARING AT ME FOR?

YOU THINK I'M CRAZY, DON'T YOU?

WELL, I SWEAR IT WAS A MONKEY HEAD.

I KNOW A MONKEY HEAD WHEN I SEE ONE.

THERE'S A MONKEY HEAD IN THERE.

GOD, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

OLÉ.

MONKEY HEAD!

MONKEY HEAD!

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS HOTEL

ALWAYS SLAPPING ME?

THE PARTY'S OVER, DUNSTON.

DO SOMETHING.

DO IT YOURSELF.

AAH! AAH!

[GLASS BREAKS]

SORRY.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A SPORTING CHANCE.

I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE.

I THINK YOU ARE SLIGHTLY OUTNUMBERED.

1...

2...

3.

DUNSTON, RUN!

DUNSTON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, LET'S GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

DUNSTON?

[NINJA SHOUTS]

NO, NO, NO!

THAT'S THE CHATEAU LAFITTE.

OH.

GOOD YEAR.

OH!

NO, NO. LET ME ASSURE YOU,

EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE.

[CRASH]

[YELLING]

JUST FINE.

WE TAKE GREAT PRIDE

IN OUR BEVERAGE SELECTION,

AND IT SEEMS ONE OF OUR GUESTS

SELECTED ONE TOO MANY BEVERAGES.

AAH!

AAH!

HEH HEH HEH.

LET'S NOT LET, YOU KNOW,

SUCH A TINY LITTLE INCIDENT

SPOIL SUCH A WONDERFUL EVENING.

AND LET ME ASSURE YOU

THERE IS NO MONKEY IN THIS HOTEL.

A MONKEY!

SHOOT HIM.

NO! DON'T SHOOT HIM!

THAT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR CHECK.

NOW, COME ON. I WANT HIM DEAD.

TEACH HIM TO COME INTO MY HOTEL.

COME ON. SHOOT HIM.

HYAH!

AAH!

WHOA.

HA HA HA!

YOU!

AAH!

GOOD SHOW. THANK YOU.

WATCH THE BIRDIE.

SO, AM I STILL GROUNDED?

[STRAINED VOICE] THAT'S MY BOY.

THIS IS FOR TYING UP MY KID.

AAH!

ALL RIGHT, DAD.

VERY WELL.

YOU DID THIS.

YOU BROUGHT THAT MONKEY INTO MY HOTEL.

THERE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

SINCE YOUR DADDY STARTED WORKING HERE.

YOU LITTLE SPOILED BRAT!

AAH!

AAH!

OOH!

AH!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT,

YOU AND THOSE CHILDREN.

MRS. DUBROW. WHAT?

HAVE YOU TRIED THE CAKE?

YOU'RE...

FIRED!

JUST GO HOME AND BURN YOUR RÉSUMÉS

BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER WORK

IN THE HOTEL BUSINESS--

DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME.

I'M STILL FIRING YOU!

MRS. DUBROW, I'M LIONEL SPALDING

FROM THE LE MONDE TRAVELER ORGANIZATION.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE MANAGED TO GO

FROM A FIVE-STAR HOTEL

TO A ONE-STAR HOTEL.

GOOD NIGHT.

AAH!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING. I'M UTTERLY INNOCENT.

THIS WILL BE REVEALED BY MY LAWYERS

AS SOON AS I GET TO A PAY PHONE.

DUNSTON...

HOW COULD YOU?

[PFFT] [PFFT]

DUNSTON!

MAY I CALL YOU DUNSTON?

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB.

IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL.

DO YOU BELIEVE ME?

I DESERVED THAT.

[SNORING]

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ATTACKED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

NOW I'VE DROPPED TWO IN THE SAME DAY.

SO HOW DID IT FEEL?

GREAT.

YOU DO REALIZE WE'LL PROBABLY END UP LIVING

IN A MOTEL 6.

YEP.

SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD TO ME.

HELLO, DUNSTON.

NICE TO OFFICIALLY MEET YOU.

DAD, CAN WE?

NO, WE CAN'T.

WE CAN'T.

PLEASE. HE CAN STAY IN MY ROOM.

I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM.

KYLE, LISTEN TO ME.

DUNSTON CAN STAY WITH US TONIGHT,

BUT TOMORROW WE'VE GOT TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE FOR HIM.

[WHIMPERS]

IT'S A REALLY NICE ZOO.

NO ONE WILL BE MEAN TO YOU OR ANYTHING,

AND YOU'LL HAVE FRIENDS.

NO.

MONKEY FRIENDS.

I'M NOT SURE WHERE I'LL BE,

BUT I'LL TRY TO COME AND VISIT YOU

WHENEVER I CAN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

IT'S THEM.

MR. DUBROW?

GOOD MORNING, KYLE.

WHERE'S MRS. DUBROW?

SCOUTING HOTEL SITES IN ALASKA.

WE'VE COME TO SEE YOUR FATHER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I WANT YOU TO STAY.

THIS IS THE FINEST HOTEL IN THE ENTIRE CHAIN.

YES, IT IS.

THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DREAMED OF DOING,

AND NOW I'VE DONE IT.

I THINK I'D LIKE A POSITION...

THAT'S A LITTLE LESS DEMANDING ON MY TIME.

HMM.

LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

MR. DUBROW, YOU KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE, RIGHT?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

I HAVE THIS FRIEND

WHO'S SORT OF IN NEED OF A FAVOR.

UH-HUH.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

LIONEL SPALDING...

AND NEIL.

WELCOME TO THE BALI MAJESTIC, MR. SPALDING.

THE MANAGER HAS BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

MR. SPALDING, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW PLEASED I AM

THAT YOU DECIDED TO ACCEPT OUR INVITATION,

PARTICULARLY AFTER THOSE RATHER UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES

BACK IN NEW YORK.

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE,

WE ARE FAR, FAR AWAY FROM THERE RIGHT NOW.

AND MY FAMILY AND I ARE DEDICATED

TO MAKING YOUR STAY HERE AT THE BALI MAJESTIC

AS UNEVENTFUL AND TROUBLE-FREE AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

YOUR ROOM AND MEALS ARE COMPLIMENTARY.

IF YOU'D LIKE ME TO ARRANGE A LINE OF CREDIT IN THE CASINO,

I'D BE HAPPY TO DO SO.

YOU MAY HEAR SOME OF OUR NATIVE ISLANDERS

OUT AND AROUND THE BUSHES.

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I CAN GUARANTEE YOU

THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER INCIDENTS TO DEAL WITH.

ANYTIME YOU NEED ANYTHING, PICK UP THE PHONE--

DAD, UH--

JUST A MOMENT, KYLE.

ONE OF THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT

IS THE BALI-HAI BUFFET,

WHICH WE OFFER EVERY DAY AT BREAKFAST AND LUNCH.

NO!

* OW, OW *

* ALL ABOARD THAT FUNK BOAT *

* THAT I'M ABOUT TO START SAILIN' NOW *

* ALL YOU RIGGERS AND ALL YOU PARTY TRICKERS *

* EVERYBODY'S IN THE FUNKY BLOWOUT *

* YOU KNOW WHERE TO SET SAIL FROM *

* JUST AROUND THE CORNER FROM THE PORTOBELLO ROAD *

* DOWNTOWN, W-10, YOU'RE MY BEST BABY *

* BABY, DO WHAT YOU'RE DONE TOLD *

* I GOT BOTTLES OF BEER AND A DECK OR TWO *

* ALL MY FRIENDS ARE NOW COMING IN *

* LUCY AND JULES LOOKIN' GOOD, GIRLS *

* SO, ALL ABOARD, LET THE PARTY BEGIN *

* I'M ON THE MIKE, I MAKE YOU DANCE *

* I MAKE YOU FUNK, I MAKE YOU SWEAT *

* FROM NOW TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN *

* SO GET UP THE WALL, LET'S HAVE A BALL *

* RUMMIN' OUT TILL THE MORNING COMES *

* AND I SAID *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* DO WHAT I SAY *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* DON'T DO WHAT I DO *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* COME ON *

* HAVE FUN LIVIN' IN THE CITY *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* DO WHAT I SAY *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* DON'T DO WHAT I DO *

* HAVE FUN, GO MAD *

* SO, COME ON *

* HAVE FUN LIVIN' IN THE CITY *

* HERE WE GO *

* HAVE, HAVE, HAVE *

* HAVE FUN *

* SO, LET IT BE, LET IT BE MY *

* MY TURN TO DANCE *

* SO MAKIN' THE SPACE UP AND ON THE FLOOR *

* 'CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO TAKE THIS CHANCE *

* TO BUST A MOVE, THRUST A MOVE *

* JUST TO MOVE, YOU KNOW I GOT NO SHAME *

* I WANNA DO IT AGAIN, I WANNA DO IT AGAIN *

* I WANNA DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT *

* DO IT, DO IT AGAIN **