subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Sleeping.with.Other.People.2015 Eng

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional) Download

Corsican

Croatian Download

Czech

Danish Download

Dutch Download

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew Download

Hindi Download

Hmong

Hungarian Download

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian Download

Interlingua

Irish

Italian Download

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian Download

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian Download

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese Download

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:49,882 Matthew! 2 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,925 Hey!!! 3 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,636 Where are you? 4 00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,600 Matthew!! 5 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,479 Stupid. 6 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:13,989 Matthew! Are you gonna fuck me or what? 7 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,282 On it. On it like a bonnet. 8 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,784 On it like a bonnet - alright, fight club, 9 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,369 what the hell is going on here? - I'm a guest! 10 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,413 Unless someone signed you into the building, 11 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,415 you are not a guest. Alright? Please. 12 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,293 - Man, I miss my friend. - Don't take that tack with me. 13 00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:27,002 My friend lives here. 14 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,378 Please don't put me in this position. 15 00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:29,171 Why are you doing this? 16 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,298 I'm going to have to call the campus police. 17 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:34,134 Jordan, she's my guest. - She's your guest? 18 00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:38,180 - Yes. She's-- Hey Stephanie! - Yeah. 19 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,641 Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. 20 00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:43,185 Stephanie... Sanders. 21 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,728 - Stephanie Sanders. Right here. 22 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,479 Just take care of her, okay? 23 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,564 Oh yeah, I got this. This is all taken care of. 24 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,732 You don't have to worry about that. 25 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,484 - Thank you. - Thanks, man. 26 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,027 - Thank you. - Sorry. 27 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,987 - Oh, rock-and-roll. - What? 28 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:57,324 - I said Rock and roll. - Oh... 29 00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,452 Alright, this is us. 30 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,872 Us... You're funny. 31 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,003 Nice porn. 32 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,131 Yeah. Ha. 33 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,424 Nice panties. 34 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,468 Who are you? 35 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,427 I'm Jake. 36 00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,095 Lainey. 37 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,806 That's a nickname they give people named Elaine. 38 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,851 Elaine's a great name. It's like Elaaaine! 39 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:24,309 Elaaaine! 40 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,854 Hey, if you ever even mention The Graduate again, 41 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,189 I will slit your throat. 42 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:33,026 Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up. 43 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,655 Welcome to my Thursday night. 44 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:37,948 You ehm... 45 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:41,577 You wanna watch porn and smoke drugs? 46 00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,955 This sucks. 47 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,498 You know what I was gonna do tonight? 48 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,251 Judging from your outfit I'd say scale a mountain? 49 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:49,835 Lose my virginity. 50 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,087 Hold on a second... You were going to lose your virginity to 51 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,382 Matthew Sobvechik in 11B at Ween Dormitory? 52 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,509 He's the TA in my pre-med bio class. 53 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,721 I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him. 54 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,724 We fool around after he teaches me things I already know. 55 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:06,518 Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag such a 56 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,855 delightfully unhinged hottie, by being the most boring 57 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:14,985 fucking guy on this entire floor is beyond me. 58 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,987 Well, I'm in love with him. 59 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,865 Come on, there's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik, 60 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,575 the Pontiac Aztec of people. 61 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:24,453 Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik is basically 62 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:28,123 the same thing as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian 63 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,417 outback that he's about to listen to the Beatles for the 64 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,711 first time - and then I play Blues Traveler. 65 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,047 That's a cruel joke for I will have just tricked him into 66 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,092 thinking Blues Traveler is the greatest band of all time. 67 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:43,639 Okay, now if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik you will 68 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,642 be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life. 69 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,437 And that barely covered vagina of yours deserves better than 70 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,940 that. It doesn't deserve John Popper, 71 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,693 it deserves John Lennon. Okay? You understand me? 72 00:03:56,694 --> 00:04:01,698 I'm talking about, like, the White Album. Not Hook. 73 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,826 Tell me what sex is like? 74 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,663 - Oh my god, you have got a one track mind. 75 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,331 - Fuck you. Enlighten me. 76 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,000 You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh? 77 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,962 - Tell me. - Okay. 78 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,047 You better be ready. 79 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,841 - You ready? - Yes. 80 00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:21,510 Sex is like... 81 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,012 kissing with your entire body. 82 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:28,016 Very sensual experience. It's like shooting heroin 83 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:32,354 in a controlled yet moist environment. You know? 84 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,399 You know what it's like - it's like Times Square at night. 85 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,028 I mean just the right tinge of danger. 86 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,328 Oh my god. 87 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,205 What? 88 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,292 Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. 89 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,752 So I haven't technically... 90 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:58,964 - actually... really done it yet... 91 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,174 Why are you laughing at me? That's not-- 92 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,342 But you're so old! 93 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:05,387 Fuck you! I didn't call you an old virgin! 94 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,473 I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute. 95 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:12,227 Why are you giving me shit? You can't get the 96 00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:15,564 most boring dude in our dorm to sleep with you. 97 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:20,485 You know, that's ridiculous. You're the one who should be-- 98 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,284 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 99 00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,287 I didn't mean to upset I was just joking around with you. 100 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:33,498 I thought we were joking around. So I was joking. 101 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:40,881 This was all very romantic and then you just fucked it up. 102 00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:45,927 It was? 103 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,709 I'm so sweaty all of a sudden. 104 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:24,132 You're incredible. 105 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,594 You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day. 106 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,371 Hey! 107 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,541 Hey, Hannah! Hannah! 108 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:19,855 Hannah! 109 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,856 Leave me alone! 110 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,650 - Come on, I can do this all the way to Brooklyn-- 111 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,694 Whoa easy. Easy... Easy... 112 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,780 Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style! 113 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,032 Thank god you stopped. Okay? Please. Please 114 00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,034 - You're disgusting! - Okay, maybe you're right. 115 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,996 You might be right. - How could you fuck her, Jake? 116 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,956 I- Look- Oww!! 117 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,375 - How could you even kiss me after you fucked her! 118 00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:41,877 What are we doing in the middle of the street? 119 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:46,131 - Because I hope we fucking die! - Please, come on. 120 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,592 Let's get off the street, okay? 121 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,886 Okay, look, look, look, look, look. Hey, hey, hey... 122 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:54,848 I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay. 123 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,976 And Lord knows I could use the exercise, but I do believe 124 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,979 there are exactly three points we should discuss. Okay? 125 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,648 First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity, 126 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,569 I distinctly recall you saying something about staying casual. 127 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,403 Yeah? - I only said that-- 128 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,697 Most likely because you thought that was what I wanted 129 00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:11,406 to hear. Yes? - Yes! 130 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:14,201 - Okay. Well... Me taking you at your word doesn't make me 131 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,786 an asshole. It does however make you a liar. 132 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:21,291 You're such a piece of sh-- - Hey second second point. Okay? 133 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,668 If you really, actually wanted monogamy, 134 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,588 why have casual sex with me for three months? 135 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,507 I mean, if you want to grow flowers, 136 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,801 you don't plant them in a closet. So either you're stupid 137 00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:36,014 or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either. 138 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,807 You fucked my best friend! 139 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,435 Which brings me to my third and final point. Your chief 140 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:45,524 complaint is not that I screwed someone; it is who I screwed. 141 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,150 That's what it's about, right? 142 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:50,195 So much like the counter-intuitive plan to 143 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,781 secure an exclusive relationship with a guy that 144 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,075 you don't actually want to date - moi, 145 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,827 your issue with me and Sarah-- - Do not say her name! 146 00:08:57,828 --> 00:09:01,748 - Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity, 147 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:06,419 not to mention a culturally infused female competition. 148 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:11,633 My heart goes out to you ladies. Baby. You're a bad liar. 149 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:14,135 You're not stupid. 150 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:17,597 And she can't hold a candle to you. 151 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,183 Can we please go home? 152 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,768 Please? 153 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:23,436 You know, get out of these wet clothes. 154 00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:27,023 Dry each other off using friction. 155 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:30,777 Yeah? 156 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:33,488 - Yeah. - Good, 157 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,288 You got a girlfriend, Charles? 158 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:42,539 No. 159 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,958 Playing the field, huh? 160 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:48,712 Be careful, you know. 161 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,630 Why? 162 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,467 I don't know if I have time to answer that. 163 00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,891 Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks. 164 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,102 Um, what were we talking about? 165 00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:07,897 So I said to Jack- I said Jack, Lainey and I, 166 00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:11,401 we're looking to buy. Maybe have a kid. 167 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,403 I hope it's okay that I said that by the way. 168 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,572 I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you? 169 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,407 Because I know you don't want to get married, but you know, 170 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,618 I do think it's important to make some sort of commitment to 171 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:24,581 each other and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington, 172 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,415 maybe Prospect Heights. 173 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,793 What's up little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook? 174 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,379 Sam. I have to read you something. 175 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,423 You've been writing again? 176 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,968 - Sweetie, that's great! - No... I was never writing. 177 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,012 - Honey, yes! - It was one short story... 178 00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,598 - Yes, that is great! No, listen. Listen. 179 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:45,018 I want to tell you something; look at me. Look at me, okay. 180 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,730 I know you love teaching, but that's not a real thing. 181 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:49,356 I mean, this is great. 182 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,441 - Can you just please not interrupt me while I read this, 183 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,777 please. Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it. 184 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,446 - I don't think interrupt you, but go on. 185 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,572 - Don't. - I don't. 186 00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,492 - Please don't interrupt. - I would love to hear it. 187 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,411 - Okay, mister. - Wow me. 188 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,748 - Sam-- - Lainey. 189 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:14,130 My therapist suggested I attend a twelve step program, 190 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,967 for recovery from a love addiction and romantic obsession 191 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:22,055 - I'm sorry um, hello... Did you say love addiction? 192 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,515 and romantic obsession... 193 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,309 - Sweetie, you might as well face it, 194 00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,311 you're addicted to love. Huey Lewis. 195 00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:31,064 - No, it's Robert Palmer. ...that I've had for the last 196 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,983 ten years. As a result I have been able to stay faithful to 197 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,945 you -for the past six months- - Okay, let me just stop you 198 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,113 because... I feel like-- 199 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,657 - Sam, I'm trying to tell you something. 200 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:41,741 I know. 201 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,243 I would love to hear what you're telling me. 202 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,703 Can you listen to what I'm saying to you? 203 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,831 - I'm trying to-- Yeah, I'm listening. 204 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,875 I want to move forward in our relationship in an honest way. 205 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,085 I know it. being honest- 206 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:56,464 honest, critical appraisal is the foundation-- 207 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:59,426 Sam, I cheated on you. 208 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,316 You cheated on me? 209 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:21,322 Baby... 210 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,616 how many times? 211 00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:28,037 Sixteen... 212 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,545 I don't even know sixteen guys. Sixteen guys? 213 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:39,340 No, the same guy. Sixteen times. 214 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,385 - Who? - It doesn't matter who. 215 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:45,555 - Tell me who. My brother? - No. 216 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:47,474 - Was it my brother? - No. 217 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,057 Was it my brother? 218 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,893 Stop! You know I'm not interested in your brother. 219 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,229 Who's so fucking hot? How is better than my brother! 220 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,815 - I'm not going to tell you. - I deserve to know. 221 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:56,858 - No. - I deserve to know. 222 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:59,903 I've been getting his second fucking servings. 223 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,823 I've been tasting his sweat. Whose juices have I tasted? 224 00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:04,282 Gross... 225 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,659 - If I've been drinking his juices I want to know who it is. 226 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,870 - I'm not going to involve him in this and make 227 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:09,537 this worse for everyone. 228 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:14,417 You involved my brother when you fucked him sixteen times! 229 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:18,046 Who can tell what that fucking swarthy man... 230 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,800 What? Get out of here! Get out of here! Please! 231 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,343 Why did you have to do this in public, 232 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,261 were you trying to humiliate me? Look it! Look it! 233 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:28,807 He's looking! I'm embarrassed. You won! I'm humiliated. 234 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,266 I was sacred that you would freak out. 235 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,935 Yeah, well you thought right. 236 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,938 Get ready for a classic Sam freak out! 237 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,027 Sam, wait. I'm sorry. Please... 238 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,196 I'm sorry... 239 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,324 I want to make this work. I'm trying to get better. 240 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,494 You can't get better, Lainey... 241 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,747 You're not an addict, okay. 242 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,877 You're just a whore. 243 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,465 You're a whore. 244 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,137 You're a fucking whore. 245 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:03,026 Before I did this program, I thought love was a feeling. 246 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,737 But that's bullshit. It's not a feeling, 247 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,156 it's a decision. Like everything else. 248 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,701 And I now see that when I was in my addiction I made the decision 249 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:16,456 over and over again to choose sex over my self-worth. 250 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,708 And it doesn't mean that I don't like sex now, 251 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,753 it doesn't mean that I'm not a sexual person. Gail. 252 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,715 I don't need to trolling online, looking for women to go down on. 253 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,508 I don't need to fuck eight guys in one night! 254 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,219 I don't deny what I've done. I embrace my past. 255 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,096 Yes, I did once call one of my neighbors in the middle 256 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,182 of the day when he was at work and said grab some condoms 257 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,976 and meet me at that delicious soft pretzel place. 258 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:40,313 Who cares? I did let someone put a protein bar 259 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,106 up my ass once. Big deal. 260 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,318 I did hack into my supermarket's Instagram account and posted a 261 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:48,363 picture of my asshole and say there was a sale on asshole. 262 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:52,408 And then said come and lick my asshole if you're bald. 263 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,963 Of all the gin joints... 264 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,007 No way. 265 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,927 - Jake! - Yes. 266 00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:16,766 Oh my god. Were you just in that meeting? 267 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,310 Oh yeah. sure was. Uh -huh. I had to get out 268 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:22,605 of there though. It was making me super horny. 269 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,151 Wow, it's been what-twelve years? 270 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:30,780 I think it might actually be longer, yeah. 271 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,032 You look good. 272 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,910 - So do you. - Thank you. 273 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,621 Wow... the old virgin. 274 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,499 Don't you mean the one that got away? 275 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:41,916 Stop... 276 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,127 No, the last thing I remember we had that awesome night 277 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,337 together and you just sort of... 278 00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:46,963 Disappeared. 279 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,675 Plus you were all hung on that guy that lived next door to me 280 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,094 the boring guy, Marcus-- - Matthew. 281 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,930 - That's right. I hear he's a lady doctor now. 282 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:56,889 - Oh? - Yeah. 283 00:16:56,890 --> 00:17:00,351 Do you ever see him around, I assume at doctor things? 284 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,437 - Aren't you a doctor now? - Oh, I didn't do that. 285 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,564 I didn't end up going to med school. 286 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,607 I teach now. Kids. 287 00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,568 - Cool. Great. - Kindergarten. 288 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,487 - Alright. - You? What do you? 289 00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:13,906 A buddy and I created this CDN an we're selling it to 290 00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:16,075 a digital media provider and - you're bored already? 291 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,285 - No. - You just asked me. 292 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,995 I know. I'm sorry. I have to-- 293 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,665 Respond to that booty text I assume, right? 294 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,542 Aw come on, Lainey. 295 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:25,918 I was watching you in there. 296 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,380 I saw you checking your phone every five minutes. 297 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,923 All that tension in your shoulders. 298 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,884 Legs crossed. Playing with your hair. 299 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,510 - Why are you here? - Hmm... 300 00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:35,303 To pick up women? 301 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:38,598 No, no. Heavens no. No not women. No. 302 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,433 Just you, evidently. 303 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,313 I'll see you around. Hopefully not here. 304 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,899 Yeah. 305 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,526 Hey. I'm on Facebook. 306 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,363 ...what a weird thing to say out loud. 307 00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:13,758 - I have one last question-- Come on. Come on. 308 00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,471 When I sign this, what happens to everything that Xander 309 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,932 and I worked on. All the content we created. 310 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,768 We dissolve all past and current product. 311 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,853 And you'll work exclusively for us. 312 00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:29,857 Yeah. Right? Time to settle down. 313 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:31,859 But what if we have-- 314 00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:35,988 No! I will straight up murder you if you do not 315 00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,615 sign this immediately. 316 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:38,533 Xander, I'm looking out for us. 317 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,701 You're looking out for us? No. I'm looking out for us. 318 00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:42,703 - You're being a dick. - Here's the thing, guys. 319 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:44,956 I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do. 320 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,792 So if you want to reopen the terms of the contract that's 321 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,003 fine, I'm just going to go grab some lunch. 322 00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:53,631 Alright. Alright. Alright. 323 00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:55,258 Okay. 324 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,886 You don't have to go for lunch yet. 325 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,805 Okay-- 326 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,395 Congrats, boys. You have officially sold out. 327 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:11,357 Fuck yes! Oh my god! 328 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,026 I really thought you were going to fuck this up. 329 00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,361 - Me too. - I really did. 330 00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:18,239 He fucks everything in life up. 331 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,950 I have two beautiful children, both are gonna 332 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,537 have ridiculously terrible teeth; so you're getting braces, 333 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:29,000 you're getting braces, you're getting braces! 334 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:33,421 Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with? 335 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,423 Dinner maybe? 336 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:36,883 How about brunch with my folks, you'll love them. 337 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,928 You're smart, handsome and now have stocks vesting until 2018, 338 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,388 you can go get any woman you want. 339 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,890 Really? But I would still choose you. 340 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,933 Why? Because I happened to be in your eye-line? 341 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,560 Possibly because you're uninterested. 342 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,854 Most likely because you're stunning and successful. 343 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,814 - I'm divorced. - His loss. 344 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:52,273 I have a kid. 345 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,483 I love kids. Kids love me. I basically am a kid. 346 00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,777 And I don't sleep with my employees. 347 00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:58,905 - I quit! - Goodbye, Jacob. 348 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,866 Congrats. - Thanks. 349 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,451 - Huh. - What? 350 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,453 Paula's something else, huh? 351 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,787 Yeah. She really is. 352 00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:09,123 She was vibing me pretty hard in that meeting. 353 00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:09,957 Well you're a married man. 354 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,459 Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her. 355 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,586 Because I didn't want her to embarrass herself. 356 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,671 Yeah, that's good. let her down easy. 357 00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,256 Yeah. 358 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:26,098 Elaine? Elaine Dalton? 359 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:29,727 Yes, um... Sorry. It's Lainey. 360 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,188 Only my father calls me Elaine. 361 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,941 Doctor Sobvechik will see you now. 362 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,035 You didn't have to make an appointment. 363 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:50,248 This used to be our move. Me pretending to be a patient. 364 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,002 You look great. 365 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,255 It's been a while. 366 00:20:57,714 --> 00:21:00,633 I get worried when you disappear. 367 00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,427 Me too. 368 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:07,515 It's really good to see you. What do you want to talk about? 369 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:11,352 - I can't see you anymore. - I agree. 370 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,648 Yeah, I think... 371 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,566 we need to be over. 372 00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,777 I asked Emma to marry me. 373 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,362 She kept bringing it up. 374 00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,073 I thought it was the right thing to do. 375 00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:29,328 You and Emma got back together. 376 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:32,456 Yes. Did I not tell you that? 377 00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,049 How's Sam? 378 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,051 He's... 379 00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,095 fine. 380 00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,722 Good. 381 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,768 I'm glad we ended it face-to-face. 382 00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:55,062 You were right to come. 383 00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:04,196 Will you do me a favor? 384 00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:08,534 Will you erase your number from my phone? 385 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,872 I won't be able to do it. 386 00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:08,886 Is this what you want, Elaine? 387 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,392 Yes. I want it all the time. It's all I think about. 388 00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:02,189 Good afternoon. Doctor Sobvechik's office. 389 00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,985 I'm sorry, the Doctor's unavailable at the moment. 390 00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:08,112 He's getting married. 391 00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,656 Who would marry him? Did she consent? 392 00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:14,160 Is she in a coma? I mean, who is this person? 393 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:18,164 Where do you find her? Some sort of like, website for people 394 00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,499 who want to have a horrible, painful life... 395 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,003 I think I need to stop having sex altogether for a while. 396 00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:26,172 No, alright. The problem isn't sex. 397 00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,008 The problem is Captain Amazing has monopolized your vag for 398 00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:30,926 like a decade and now you're a pod person. 399 00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:32,595 But maybe if I don't have any sex... 400 00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:35,097 And become sexually anorexic? No. 401 00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:36,348 What? Is that a real thing? 402 00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:39,018 Yeah, of course it's a real thing. Sexual anorexia. 403 00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,604 It's like depriving yourself of sex because of low self-esteem, 404 00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:45,149 or abuse or other gnarly shit. - That's great. 405 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,359 That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing. 406 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,237 It's like enough with this shit. It's over, Jack. 407 00:24:50,238 --> 00:24:53,407 It's like enough! I mean, you can do so much better. 408 00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,494 I don't care if it's a woman or if it's somebody else, 409 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,121 just anything but the schmuck. 410 00:24:59,247 --> 00:25:01,582 I feel like people are looking at us. 411 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:05,002 The guy I lost my virginity to was at my sex addicts meeting. 412 00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:06,170 What do you think that means? 413 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:11,967 It's a sign. You should fuck that guy. A lot. 414 00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:14,595 I don't think everyone should just be running around fucking 415 00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:19,391 willy-nilly, Okay, in your specific case I do think you 416 00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:22,144 should fuck that sex addict. 417 00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:30,194 ♪ One look in the mirror and I know the party's over. ♪ 418 00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:34,782 You have lipstick on your teeth. 419 00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:36,784 Thank you. 420 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,077 This is my wife! This is Blainey. 421 00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:40,996 Lainey. Lainey - with an L. What's wrong with you. 422 00:25:40,997 --> 00:25:44,041 Bring it in here. Never make it end. 423 00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,961 This is Lainey! Lainey, Naomi. 424 00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:48,462 This is my wife! 425 00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,965 Shots. I'm getting everybody shots. Shots for all round. 426 00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:51,757 We're going to keep it going. 427 00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:54,051 Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now. 428 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,928 Okay, stop screaming that. 429 00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:57,429 - Rich as shit! - I'm telling you, 430 00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,390 someone's gonna murder us if you keep screaming-- 431 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:03,936 - I don't care. We're in a cool bar. I just bought a Tesla! 432 00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:05,813 That's not true. 433 00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,649 We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it. 434 00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:10,234 Listen, are you guys... 435 00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:12,361 are you guys sleeping with each other? 436 00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,572 - No! - Oh good. Oh my god, good. 437 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,406 What are you guys talking about? 438 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:17,741 I'm telling her not to have sex with you! 439 00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,326 Oh, well you're too late! 440 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:22,288 Because we lost our virginity to each other! 441 00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:25,457 - Are you serious. - You didn't know! 442 00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:26,208 Yeah, I told him earlier. 443 00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:28,252 - We all knew. - You didn't know! 444 00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:30,796 - That's a beautiful story. - Yeah. 445 00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:32,256 - True romantic. - Right! 446 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,675 Here we go. Bring it in. To virginity! 447 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:38,137 - To virginity! - Get lost. 448 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,850 - I just gonna go outside for a-- 449 00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:45,769 - Naomi still has her anal virginity. 450 00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:46,395 That's not true. 451 00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:48,689 A lot of guys have been up there, just not you. 452 00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,107 Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl - 453 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,067 - Lainey, her name's Lainey. - Lainey, sorry. 454 00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:53,235 Quick question before you walk out the door, 455 00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:56,780 are you the reason that my friend Jake here is the biggest 456 00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:59,116 slut in the world? 457 00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:00,993 - What are you doing? - I'm saying, like, 458 00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,495 he puts his dick in like every sticky hole he finds. 459 00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,039 - That's not true. - It gross. 460 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,790 - Xander! - But like I'm jels. 461 00:27:06,791 --> 00:27:08,584 Come on. 462 00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,044 - No, I'm just kidding. - I don't know. 463 00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,045 I don't know. - I'm just kidding. 464 00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,546 I know it's not you. I know it's not you. 465 00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:14,256 I know it's because his dad molested him. 466 00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:15,174 - What? - What? 467 00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:18,469 - Now everybody knows! - He was a boy scout leader. 468 00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,346 Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome. 469 00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,223 - How am I welcome? - I just set that up for you! 470 00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:23,807 Where is she going? 471 00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,309 - Yeah, don't let her get away, man. 472 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:26,977 Dude, you have to chase after her. 473 00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:29,438 - I know. - She's a lobster, man. 474 00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:33,150 - Okay. Alright. - She seems... 475 00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:34,485 amazing. - Awesome! 476 00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:38,614 Hey, Lainey. Where are you going? 477 00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:39,907 Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 478 00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,618 I want to thank you for tonight. It was great. 479 00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:44,912 Just go in and have fun with your friends. 480 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,915 I just-I FaceBooked you because it thought I should 481 00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:50,918 start dating again, I'm trying to get over this guy-- 482 00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:52,920 Was this supposed to be a date? 483 00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:56,256 Oh shit, it was... 484 00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:59,426 Oh hell. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, I'm a dick. 485 00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:01,762 I'm sorry, I didn't know. I-- 486 00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:03,263 Hey, how about we go on a date. 487 00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:04,723 This is a date now. - We'll go out-- 488 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:06,517 - Oh, now it's-- - Yeah, it's a date. 489 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:07,726 Let's go on a date. This is good. 490 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:10,938 I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my jacket then I'll come out and 491 00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,524 we'll date it up. 492 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:16,068 Matthew Sobvechik? The guy had all the charm 493 00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,528 of a broken Etch-a-Sketch. 494 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:20,447 - It feels so freeing to tell someone about it 495 00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:21,156 who actually knows him. 496 00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,908 Okay, you're going to have to explain this to me. 497 00:28:22,909 --> 00:28:25,994 I mean, is he packing? Huh? Is that what's going on? 498 00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:26,787 Does it tip in hundreds? 499 00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:28,080 Read you the Polar Express before bedtime? 500 00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:30,457 You know, it's pretty average actually. 501 00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:34,461 Ah, goddammit! Even his junk is boring. 502 00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,964 God damn boring dick! 503 00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:39,174 That's so weird, and you're a catch! It's true. 504 00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:42,428 You know, I'm serious. You've got a strong vocabulary. 505 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:46,682 You look dynamite in a tank top. It's just - what gives? 506 00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:48,517 I guess... 507 00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:54,898 I guess, I just thought eventually he'd choose me. 508 00:28:55,775 --> 00:28:57,484 And so I always chose him. 509 00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,904 If he texted I'd think of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd-- 510 00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:02,990 That's psychotic. 511 00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:04,116 Thanks. 512 00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:04,992 Well, I mean it's not your fault. 513 00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:09,830 You know, little girls are told someday they'll find The One. 514 00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,915 What they don't tell you guys is that The One might be a complete 515 00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:15,043 fucking dickhead with a boring heroin penis that turns you all 516 00:29:15,044 --> 00:29:16,587 into a sex addict. That's what they-- 517 00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:18,756 - I'm not a sex addict. - Oh yeah. Yeah. Me neither. 518 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:21,008 - I went to a few meetings because my therapist suggested 519 00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:25,846 that I go, that it might help. But it didn't, so I stopped. 520 00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:28,182 - Okay. - What's your excuse? 521 00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:29,183 - Me? - Yeah. 522 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:31,477 My girlfriend said if I didn't go she'd break up with me. 523 00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:34,938 So I went to a meeting. She broke up with me anyway. 524 00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:35,856 I'm cured. 525 00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,609 Well why did she want you to go? 526 00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:48,202 She... some have suggested that I have a little bit of 527 00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:49,912 a problem staying faithful... 528 00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:54,416 for long periods of time... or possibly at all. I guess. 529 00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:56,502 And it all comes out. 530 00:29:56,503 --> 00:30:01,256 Look, once I come to the realization that I'm with- 531 00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:04,218 the wrong girl, I don't know how to end it. 532 00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:07,930 So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people. 533 00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:09,264 Yes. Exactly, yeah. 534 00:30:09,265 --> 00:30:12,142 Obviously they get upset, but then comes the big old 535 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:15,020 rigmarole of like 'you're afraid to commit' and it's like 536 00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:16,939 'no, I just don't want to commit to you.' 537 00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,858 But I can't say that, because that's like mean on top of mean. 538 00:30:19,859 --> 00:30:22,152 So it's no, no, no. It's not you, it's me. 539 00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:25,030 I don't like you. 540 00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:26,949 You know, like that. - Yeah, that's harsh. 541 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,659 That's harsh, right. You can't say that. 542 00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:30,994 So instead I'd rather just say something like: 543 00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:33,956 'I fucked your sister.' - Much better. 544 00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:35,040 Well, it's honest. 545 00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:37,793 You have to fuck the sister in order for it to work. 546 00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:38,710 It's like I'd rather - 547 00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:40,337 Be the bad guy than tell the truth. 548 00:30:40,338 --> 00:30:41,129 See. You get it. 549 00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:44,091 Yeah. But I'm psychotic. 550 00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:47,135 But like an approachable psychotic. 551 00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:48,846 That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier. 552 00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:51,849 - You like it? - Yeah, it's Like Ted Bundy. 553 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,726 You can't get into a van by just being a jerk. 554 00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:58,105 You've got to have a certain way about you. 555 00:30:58,106 --> 00:30:58,939 ...appetites? 556 00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:00,691 - That would be - That would be something. 557 00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:03,318 - Yes, yes, yes. - I'm hungry again. 558 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:04,528 Already? 559 00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,531 You know, that's Dim Sum for you. 560 00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,658 I have snacks at home. I have-- 561 00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,952 This is actually - this is my train. 562 00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:12,786 What here? Oh yeah? 563 00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:14,246 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Alright. 564 00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:16,373 - So I'm probably going to hit the road. 565 00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:19,668 - Yeah. - Jake, thank you. 566 00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:23,380 We did it. This was a good date. 567 00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:24,006 We did the date. 568 00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,884 - I think it was the first I think it might have been the 569 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,344 first date I've ever been on so I don't really have much to 570 00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:31,013 compare it to, but it seemed solid. 571 00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:33,015 Good. Okay. 572 00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:35,309 Shit... 573 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,060 What? 574 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,897 I- I want to fuck you. 575 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:42,024 - What? That's so-- - I know... 576 00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,401 - No! - What do you mean no? 577 00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:47,487 What did I do? Stop wanting to! 578 00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:49,281 It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you. 579 00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:51,867 I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable and it's just 580 00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:53,869 like you might as well be wearing a sign that says: 581 00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:54,703 Solve my problems with your penis! 582 00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,872 Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about how we 583 00:31:56,873 --> 00:31:59,541 screw up every sexual relationship we've ever have. 584 00:31:59,542 --> 00:32:03,503 I know, right. And yet here I am, wanting... 585 00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:06,423 So maybe we gotta just be friends. 586 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:08,884 Yes. That is the mature, responsible thing 587 00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:12,846 to do for each other and ourselves, yes I agree. 588 00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,181 Okay, but we've got to come up with a system, 589 00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,683 if we're gonna be friends, and I want to be good friends-- 590 00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:21,563 It's fair. So maybe we come up with a safe word for if we're 591 00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:24,024 having sexual tension and then we'll stop whatever-- 592 00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:26,526 If you're doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy. 593 00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:27,903 - Feeling attracted. - It's mutual? 594 00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:29,947 So it is mutual? You're saying it's mutual? 595 00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,907 - It could be mutual. - That's a yes. 596 00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:34,534 I may or may not have to use the word. We'll have to see. 597 00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,578 Okay, alright. Well say it for me. 598 00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:40,499 - Yeah. Anything. I'll do anything. You pick it, and yes. 599 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,584 - It's Avocado. - No. Can't do that. 600 00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,753 No. It's an immediate veto? 601 00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:46,672 I mean, it's too sexual. It's too sexual. 602 00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:49,091 - Avocado is too sexual? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 603 00:32:49,092 --> 00:32:51,009 I mean, you've got to see the way I eat an avocado 604 00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:54,304 and you'll be like that's you know, do that to me. 605 00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:55,055 Guam. 606 00:32:55,056 --> 00:32:57,015 - Guam, like the country Guam? No! No. 607 00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:59,434 I knew a girl whose father was from Guam and she literally had 608 00:32:59,435 --> 00:33:02,688 one of the best natural bodies I've ever seen in my life. 609 00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:03,230 Noodle salad. 610 00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:06,149 Noodle salad? that's a sex thing. 611 00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:06,483 What? 612 00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:08,402 That's a bunch of guys putting flaccid dicks into 613 00:33:08,403 --> 00:33:10,988 someone's mouth. That is called a noddle salad. 614 00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:12,614 That is not a thing. 615 00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:14,866 I mean it absolutely is a thing. 616 00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:16,576 I know it's a thing. Go to noodlesalad.org 617 00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:18,954 Now I feel like you're just trying to find problems. 618 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:21,456 I would make the argument that you are just suggesting only 619 00:33:21,457 --> 00:33:24,126 things that can only be perceived as sexual. 620 00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,461 - Okay, so it needs to be more violent. 621 00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:27,963 - Yeah. - Dick in a Mousetrap! 622 00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,673 - Yikes! What is that? - Oh! 623 00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:31,258 - That's awful! You don't like it? 624 00:33:31,259 --> 00:33:32,134 - No! - That's the one. 625 00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:33,844 - What? - We'll shorten it to Mousetrap. 626 00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:37,389 - Thank you. Goodbye. - Mousetrap? Alright. Goodbye. 627 00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:40,517 - I'm going. I'm going for it. - Yeah. Live on the edge. 628 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:44,062 - Goodnight. Careful. Bye. 629 00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:46,940 Bye. - Bye. 630 00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:47,941 ♪ Your face will surely show it, 631 00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:51,486 If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! ♪ 632 00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:52,446 Yay! 633 00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:56,324 Good singing. Good. Alright, free play. Everybody play. 634 00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:57,951 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 635 00:33:57,952 --> 00:33:59,578 Lyle, no, no, no, no. 636 00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:01,872 Alexander had the ball first. 637 00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:03,498 Why did you take it from him? 638 00:34:03,499 --> 00:34:08,045 Hey, no. You've got to use your words. We don't do that. 639 00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,422 - One of my students reminds me of you. 640 00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:13,842 He's devastatingly handsome? 641 00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:15,844 He reminds me of us. 642 00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:17,846 He has no one to play with and gets angry. 643 00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:22,476 So nobody wants to play with him cuz he's angry all the time. 644 00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:24,352 No dates, huh? 645 00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:26,521 - Haven't met anyone. I've been busy. 646 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:30,275 Studying for the MCATs, you know. You? 647 00:34:30,276 --> 00:34:32,694 Nothing. Nada. 648 00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:35,280 Have you texted Voldemort? 649 00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:37,157 Trying to distract myself. 650 00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:42,245 Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something. 651 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:43,997 Oof, mousetrap. 652 00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:47,125 You should text me what you want to text him. 653 00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:49,878 I miss your cock in my mouth. 654 00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:53,048 I miss the way you feel on top of me. 655 00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:55,092 I miss making you cum. 656 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:58,887 - Whoa, since when are you a porn star with killer grammar? 657 00:34:58,888 --> 00:35:00,472 That's how I text with him. 658 00:35:00,473 --> 00:35:02,724 - Okay, well you're sending porn star 659 00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:04,017 vibes instead of Lainey vibes. 660 00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:06,937 - You're one to talk. You're a completely different 661 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,980 guy with me than with other ladies. 662 00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:09,564 That's not true. 663 00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:12,150 - If you want someone to fall for you, you gotta be you. 664 00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:14,736 - Yeah, I don't think I like me enough to introduce 665 00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:16,613 him to other people. 666 00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,198 Night. 667 00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,540 That was fun. 668 00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,962 - Goodnight. - Goodnight. 669 00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:03,762 He looked so normal. 670 00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:06,765 Like he hadn't even noticed we stopped sleeping together. 671 00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:07,807 No, no. He noticed. 672 00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,392 He's just not thinking about it the same way. 673 00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,312 Right. Right, great. I'm a guilty slut and he gets 674 00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:16,900 to be a heartless alpha male who fucking jogs! 675 00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,735 No! That's not it at all. To Sobvechik, 676 00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:22,364 you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party. 677 00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:23,990 In a second he has to make a decision; 678 00:37:23,991 --> 00:37:26,701 do I go home now or cancel everything tomorrow. 679 00:37:26,702 --> 00:37:29,120 You know, no pre-meditation means no post-meditation. 680 00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,748 It's not like months from now he's thinking, oh gosh, 681 00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,750 I wonder how crack is doing? 682 00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:36,419 Or I hope cocaine isn't mad at me! 683 00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:39,381 You know. No dude thinks like that. Except Aaron Sorkin. 684 00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,216 Are you saying I'm crack cocaine? 685 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,425 Yeah. Don't sell yourself short. 686 00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,803 We wouldn't have The West Wing without you. 687 00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:45,679 What is wrong with me? 688 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,431 - Nothing's wrong with you. Are you kidding me? You're great. 689 00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:52,269 I mean you're funny, you're sexy, you're cool, 690 00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:53,853 like... Oh... - 691 00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:56,106 What? You run out of compliments? 692 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:58,066 Yeah. No. Do you remember that girl, Renee? 693 00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,777 - Had a spectacular time with you last night. 694 00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:01,778 I'm at lunch. 695 00:38:01,779 --> 00:38:03,321 Just tried calling you. 696 00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,407 Have you ever thought about taking a road trip? 697 00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,951 At least respond so I know you're alive and okay. 698 00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,411 GIF of a panda dancing! 699 00:38:09,412 --> 00:38:10,662 Seriously - are you okay? 700 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:11,955 I was on the subway, did you text me? 701 00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:14,124 Fuck me then ignore me... Nice one, Jake! 702 00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:16,626 Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi! 703 00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:17,627 I have chlamydia... 704 00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:18,670 Okay, I was joking!!! 705 00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:20,547 I do have HPV though... and I hope it's the one 706 00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:25,468 that gives you dick cancer. Emoji of a heart. xxx Renee. 707 00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:27,137 Well, that's sort of normal. 708 00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:29,306 You actively stalked someone today, your perception of 709 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:31,266 normal might be a little skewed, my dear. 710 00:38:31,267 --> 00:38:35,228 Okay, you slept with her. Rocked her face. 711 00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:36,313 Yes. With my body. 712 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:37,063 You didn't call her. 713 00:38:37,064 --> 00:38:38,982 I lost my phone in a cab. 714 00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,650 And you unleashed her Khaleesi. 715 00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:43,403 Wait. You mean like Game of Thrones Khaleesi? 716 00:38:43,404 --> 00:38:48,325 Yes. Either A) we make multiple babies with you or 717 00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:51,286 B) we cut your dick off. 718 00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:52,120 Jesus... 719 00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:55,582 I've got my fingers crossed out here for an option C. 720 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,001 C) You appease her. 721 00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,836 And how do you appease your Khaleesi? 722 00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:03,423 I spend about a month's rent on this. 723 00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:07,260 What do you think? 724 00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:11,181 Yeah, I mean you should definitely wear stuff over it. 725 00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:14,351 Nice neg. Mousetrap. 726 00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:30,325 Hey, you've reached Lainey. Leave a message. 727 00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:32,118 Hey dude, It's me. I haven't heard from you in a 728 00:39:32,119 --> 00:39:34,662 while so I'm gonna guess you either finally fucked Jake 729 00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:36,373 or you got into med school. 730 00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,877 Either way, mazel tov. Happy Hannukah or whatever the--- 731 00:39:41,670 --> 00:39:44,172 Just pick a TV and we can get out of here. 732 00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:44,839 So tell me what happened. 733 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,967 Oh right. Okay, so I've been seeing this gal Thea, alright. 734 00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:50,720 She's black. And-- - Wait. Stop! 735 00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:54,724 Does this story end with you doing something super racist? 736 00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:56,309 Oh my god. No! 737 00:39:56,310 --> 00:39:59,729 Why are you telling me she's black? 738 00:39:59,855 --> 00:40:00,397 I don't know. I-- 739 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:03,817 I'm just trying to give you a mental picture, that's all. 740 00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:07,320 Okay. Racist. Keep going. 741 00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:09,280 Okay. Well, we go see a movie. During the day. 742 00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:12,492 And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous but I do what 743 00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:15,161 we talked about: I do not sleep with her. 744 00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:17,163 You're so strong. I'm so proud. 745 00:40:17,164 --> 00:40:20,583 Hey. Not all of us can remain celibate for a year, alright. 746 00:40:20,584 --> 00:40:22,419 I'm just waiting for the right guy. 747 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:25,046 The white guy? Whose racist now... 748 00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:27,715 - The right guy. - Oh, the right guy. 749 00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:29,300 Oh, the one you waited for for ten year. 750 00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:32,053 That right guy? You know, he's married now - that one? 751 00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:33,430 What're we doing in this aisle? 752 00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,140 Can I finish my story please? 753 00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:39,561 I wait four days and then I call her and we go out again. 754 00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:40,687 Alright? No sex. 755 00:40:40,688 --> 00:40:44,274 I mean, we hook up but I don't, like, finger her or anything. 756 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:44,732 Awesome. 757 00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:46,693 So I call her last night, and I'm like: 758 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,112 Hey, do you want to go see the new Wes Anderson movie? 759 00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:52,699 - Ugh. - What? And then she's like: 760 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:53,992 Jake. What are you doing? 761 00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:56,870 - And I'm like, Oh of course. Wes Anderson is such a 762 00:40:56,871 --> 00:40:59,456 stupid white guy thing to do suggest, you know. 763 00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:01,916 Okay, racist. And also dumb. Yes. 764 00:41:01,917 --> 00:41:03,960 Do you two need any help? 765 00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:07,130 No, we're good. She just takes a while to make a decision. 766 00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:08,798 - I do. - Yeah, you got it. 767 00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:11,509 And so I'm like well do you want to go see something else? 768 00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:12,093 And then she says: 769 00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:15,430 - Why haven't we had sex yet? Do you just want to be friends? 770 00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:18,683 Because honestly, I have enough friends. 771 00:41:18,684 --> 00:41:20,894 Where are you right now? 772 00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:35,200 That was awesome. 773 00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:36,868 Oh my god... 774 00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,537 Oh golly... 775 00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:42,540 Sorry if I was too noisy, but that was like-- 776 00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:45,877 I don't know what got into me. Hey... 777 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,755 Did you... 778 00:41:49,089 --> 00:41:50,965 - No. - Oh. 779 00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:52,425 But don't take it personally. 780 00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:55,094 I don't orgasm during sex that much. 781 00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:58,681 So? Lots of women don't cum during sex. 782 00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:02,435 So? No, no, no. That has never happened to me before! 783 00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,394 What positions did you do? 784 00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:06,564 - No. We did everything. What's your favorite position? 785 00:42:06,565 --> 00:42:08,566 - I don't know. The regular one? 786 00:42:08,567 --> 00:42:11,694 The regular-come on. 787 00:42:12,154 --> 00:42:12,779 From behind. 788 00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,739 - Exactly. Because you hate your dad. 789 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:17,325 Oh my god. Mousetrap! 790 00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:19,577 All set. And can I just say 791 00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:23,665 we think you two are the coolest married couple ever. 792 00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:25,416 - That's-we don't get that enough. 793 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:26,709 - So sweet. - Thank you. 794 00:42:26,710 --> 00:42:28,002 - That's really sweet. - Happy holidays. 795 00:42:28,003 --> 00:42:29,212 - Let's go, hon. - Happy holidays, yes. 796 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:31,381 I will just meet you out by our minivan. 797 00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:32,674 - I'll meet you out front. - Okay, great. 798 00:42:32,675 --> 00:42:34,676 I'll have to move the car seat and then there 799 00:42:34,677 --> 00:42:36,636 will be plenty of room. 800 00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:40,306 Car seat? Are we going to have a kid? 801 00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:42,350 It's just like- when do you orgasm? 802 00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:45,186 When does it happen to you? - When I'm with Matthew. 803 00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:48,731 - Yeah, okay. - That's it. 804 00:42:48,816 --> 00:42:50,650 That's it! 805 00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,652 Okay, well that just explained everything. 806 00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:56,447 That's-you haven't had an orgasm in a year? 807 00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:59,742 Come on, that's bullshit. Not even when you masturbate? 808 00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:02,453 Lainey, you've got to be kidding me! 809 00:43:02,454 --> 00:43:04,414 You don't mast-- Why not? 810 00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:08,042 What-I don't know. I've tried to! I try. 811 00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:11,588 I just, I don't know, I - I get bored. 812 00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,047 Bored? How's that boring? 813 00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:14,299 - I feel good when I'm with Matthew. 814 00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:17,635 I don't know. I don't know how to recreate that for myself. 815 00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:19,721 Well fuck the TV, I'm going to teach you 816 00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:23,016 how to finger yourself today. Right now, okay. 817 00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,393 - What? - It's go time. 818 00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,812 Sister. Alright? Let's go. Alright. 819 00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:29,981 - Okay... - No, no. This is a good thing. 820 00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:32,317 It's about time. Get it out. Okay... 821 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,153 For the purposes of today's tutorial your vagina will be 822 00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:38,489 played by this former bottle of green tea. 823 00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:40,283 - Looks just like it. - Okay. Good to know. 824 00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:44,037 So, here's what we do. First thing you do is you take this 825 00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:45,038 guy, this index finger 826 00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,123 and you're just going to slide it in there like that, okay. 827 00:43:47,124 --> 00:43:50,168 And you're going to curve it up a little bit and I want you to 828 00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:50,835 tap the roof like that. 829 00:43:50,836 --> 00:43:53,463 You see that - that's your G Spot - alright, you got that? 830 00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:54,172 Yeah. I'll check it out. 831 00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:56,549 - Alright, now next move, you're going to take the middle finger 832 00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:59,093 here, you know, the bad boy right you're gonna pop that in 833 00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:01,179 as well and then you're gonna have that one tapping the roof 834 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,682 and then this one - the middle finger - is going to be sort of 835 00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:08,227 circling this sort of fleshy gap area. 836 00:44:08,228 --> 00:44:08,770 My cervix? Jesus. 837 00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:11,564 Yeah, sure. You know what it's called. Wonderful. Good for you. 838 00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:13,358 Okay yes, so you're going to go after the cervix here. 839 00:44:13,359 --> 00:44:16,402 So you're going to mind the gap, right. And tap the roof. 840 00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:18,237 Mind the gap. Tap the roof. 841 00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:20,323 - You got it. And at this point you want to start thinking 842 00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,950 about something arousing. You know, like maybe you want to 843 00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:26,204 think about the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps. 844 00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:26,579 Gross. 845 00:44:26,580 --> 00:44:27,955 Okay, and then you're going to start to get wet. 846 00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:30,291 You're going to start to get wet and then you're going to start 847 00:44:30,292 --> 00:44:32,210 to feel some contractions in your vagina. 848 00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:34,921 At that point you're going to want to squeeze your vagina 849 00:44:34,922 --> 00:44:37,131 harder than it wants to go, okay. 850 00:44:37,132 --> 00:44:39,509 - And that's called-- - Kegeling. 851 00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:42,053 Well it's pronounced kee -gul -ing, but it doesn't matter. 852 00:44:42,054 --> 00:44:43,054 Uh, I got into medical school! 853 00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:44,555 I think I know how it's pronounced. 854 00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:47,392 What - you did? You didn't tell me that. 855 00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,019 Oh yeah. I got in. Michigan. 856 00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:51,604 Wow... 857 00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:54,774 Lane, that's great... Alright. 858 00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,402 I mean, are you gonna go? What are you thinking? 859 00:44:57,403 --> 00:45:00,780 Well I mean I have until the end of the summer to decide. So... 860 00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:04,659 - Keep going! - Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, um... 861 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:07,995 Okay, so do you know what a dirty DJ is? 862 00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:09,414 - No. - You don't? Okay, great. 863 00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:11,833 Okay, so the biggest misconception that guys have 864 00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:13,668 about the clitoris, if they can find it, 865 00:45:13,669 --> 00:45:16,921 is that they're too nice to it. Okay, that's the problem. I 866 00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:21,801 mean the trick is to be a little rude to the clitoris, okay. 867 00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:22,260 Oh really? 868 00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:24,345 Yeah. Go to town on this little motherfucker right here. 869 00:45:24,346 --> 00:45:26,764 You just-you just you know, so that's the dirty DJ - 870 00:45:26,765 --> 00:45:30,226 it's like you're scratching a record. 871 00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:33,688 Let-let-let the drummer 872 00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:35,606 Let-let-let the drummer get wicked right? 873 00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:37,358 And you just really want to work that little bugger. 874 00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,110 You know, remember like the old IBM Thinkpads? 875 00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:42,113 And that little nub. Right? Okay, so you just really 876 00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:45,032 go after it like that - just like this. 877 00:45:45,033 --> 00:45:47,535 So you have that - that's phase three. 878 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,663 So again - yeah, perfect. Natural... 879 00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,207 So tap the roof. Mind the gap. 880 00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:54,709 Oh, see. Okay, yeah. 881 00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:56,002 Work all three. Look at that. 882 00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:57,837 It's like you're doing oh boy, oh boy... 883 00:45:57,838 --> 00:46:01,215 I feel like Anne Sullivan teaching Helen Keller about 884 00:46:01,216 --> 00:46:04,093 water right now. That is amazing. What a breakthrough! 885 00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:04,886 - Like that? - Yeah, that's it. 886 00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:08,306 Yeah, just take a night, crack open a bottle of rose and just 887 00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:13,811 have multiple orgasms. If you want... 888 00:46:17,691 --> 00:46:21,652 I-- Primatologists actually believed that-that women 889 00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:24,947 evolved this way so that-- 890 00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:29,577 they could mate with as many men in one session as possible. 891 00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:32,580 Fucking awesome... 892 00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:33,372 That's neat. 893 00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:36,918 Multiple orgasms for multiple partners. 894 00:46:38,712 --> 00:46:41,380 Gang bangs. And such. 895 00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,299 Yeah... 896 00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:47,094 - I'm gonna go home. - Yeah. Me too. 897 00:46:47,095 --> 00:46:48,971 - No, no. You live here. - Yes I do! 898 00:46:48,972 --> 00:46:50,056 - Okay now... - Bye! 899 00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:51,641 - Bye now. - Thank you. 900 00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,309 Yeah yeah yeah. 901 00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:57,104 I think it's a little bit weird that a 902 00:46:57,105 --> 00:46:58,189 straight dude had to tell you all that. 903 00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,442 - I think it's sort of great. I mean, he's actually dating. 904 00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:05,196 He's not cheating. And I hardly think about Matthew. Like ever. 905 00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:08,032 Yeah. Because you're in a relationship with each other. 906 00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:10,076 No we're not. 907 00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:10,827 You're not out there! 908 00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,830 This guy Jake is taking up emotional real estate that 909 00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,290 could be occupied by a real option, okay. 910 00:47:16,291 --> 00:47:17,667 You leased the that space out to Matthew, 911 00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:20,878 rent free I might add, and now you've replaced him with 912 00:47:20,879 --> 00:47:24,674 another unavailable avoidant breeder you don't fuck. 913 00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,759 Like where's the fucking in all this? 914 00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,344 Hey babe. Sorry I'm late. 915 00:47:28,345 --> 00:47:31,138 Look at this little baby face. It's beautiful. 916 00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:34,976 Very sick in the head though. Very sick in the head. 917 00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:36,269 How's your fake boyfriend? 918 00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,563 Oh my god! We're just friends! 919 00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:41,816 Men and women can't be friends. It's like life 101. 920 00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,443 - Stop lying to yourself. - Come one! That's bullshit. 921 00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:46,946 It's the 21st century. We know that's not true. 922 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:47,530 You and I are friends. 923 00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:49,448 Sex doesn't get in the way of our friendship. 924 00:47:49,449 --> 00:47:52,994 I'm not attracted to you. And I have zero penises. 925 00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:54,328 I am. 926 00:47:54,329 --> 00:47:57,206 Hi, George. Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend. 927 00:47:57,207 --> 00:47:59,125 I like bad girls with Daddy issues. 928 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,419 - She's twenty-two, she'll fuck anyone. 929 00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:02,461 Wait. I'm sorry, no. 930 00:48:02,462 --> 00:48:04,755 Serious, she's probably fucked everyone in here 931 00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:06,591 but I don't even care. 932 00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,303 You got a minute? 933 00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:14,599 Not really. I'm kind of in the middle of something. 934 00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:16,100 I was thinking... 935 00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:16,642 Oh yeah? 936 00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:20,646 Do you wanna come to Henry's birthday party this weekend? 937 00:48:21,356 --> 00:48:22,607 Really? - Yep. 938 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:24,483 Xander, in the eight years I've known you as a father 939 00:48:24,484 --> 00:48:26,986 you have never once invited me to any function 940 00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:27,612 involving your children. 941 00:48:27,613 --> 00:48:32,366 Hear me out. I was thinking... Maybe you and Lainey-- 942 00:48:32,367 --> 00:48:33,784 Ah, I knew it! No. 943 00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:35,161 See, Lainey and I are not dating. 944 00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:37,204 I know that. I'm not saying you have to date her, 945 00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:39,081 I'm not saying you have to come as a couple. 946 00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:41,667 I'm just saying arrive at the party together. 947 00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:44,712 Come as friends - or whatever fucked up thing you guys have-- 948 00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:47,214 - We're best friends. - No, we're best friends! 949 00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,382 - That's not true. - What? 950 00:48:48,383 --> 00:48:52,637 Look, she's my best friend and I would say by circumstance and 951 00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:55,514 certainly duration, you would be my next best friend. 952 00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:57,183 You know what, I'll even allow that. 953 00:48:57,184 --> 00:49:02,063 You're my last single friend, I can't have you mingling-- 954 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:03,356 - Hey. - Yes? 955 00:49:03,357 --> 00:49:05,524 We have a meeting with group sales in twenty. 956 00:49:05,525 --> 00:49:07,401 Are you two prepared? Huh? Not at all. 957 00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:10,488 Should I reschedule the meeting for when you are ready? 958 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:13,366 Five or six months from now? - I would make it a cool seven. 959 00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:16,369 - Yeah, seven at least. - Shit, I'm not available then. 960 00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:19,163 Oh well, I tried. See you in twenty? 961 00:49:19,164 --> 00:49:21,874 You got it, boss. 962 00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:24,585 - Mousetrap... - What the fuck is that? 963 00:49:24,586 --> 00:49:25,211 That was repartee. 964 00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,421 - That's exactly why I can't have you at the party. 965 00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:28,965 Because you have repartee with everybody. 966 00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:33,469 You love repartee. All you want to do is flit around the party, 967 00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:34,804 flirt with the moms. 968 00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,640 And then they all get mad, and then they turn on each other. 969 00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:40,601 Then they yell at Naomi, then Naomi yells at me. 970 00:49:40,602 --> 00:49:43,062 Then they won't let their kids play with me kids. 971 00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:46,190 Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends. 972 00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:49,735 I'm raising friendless children because of you. 973 00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:50,319 Do you understand? 974 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:54,115 It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation. 975 00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:57,243 - A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps. 976 00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:01,288 We'll you've spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up. 977 00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:03,791 - So bring Lainey to the party. - Okay. Fine. 978 00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:07,753 I will, on behalf of your children - and Naomi, 979 00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:10,297 I will talk to Lainey and see what we can do. 980 00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:13,592 Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date. 981 00:50:13,593 --> 00:50:17,138 I'm just saying, for the first time, I'm a little bit 982 00:50:17,139 --> 00:50:22,643 optimistic you might not become that creepy guy. 983 00:50:22,769 --> 00:50:25,604 But he's got a point. I'm going to be the creepy old dude! 984 00:50:25,605 --> 00:50:28,649 Like, that sucks. And then what happens when my dick doesn't 985 00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:31,444 get as hard as it used to, okay. Because that's going to happen. 986 00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:33,029 It's going to happen, it's inevitable. 987 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,447 And young chicks don't put up with that shit, 988 00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:38,034 they have no time for that. And older women are going to be 989 00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:42,455 nowhere near into my nonsense. Okay? Just not into it at all. 990 00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:44,123 It's at that point, what do I do? 991 00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:46,417 I just buy the fedora and move to Miami, right? 992 00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:47,960 Make a golf cart my own mode of transportation. 993 00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:49,962 - I've never seen you like this. - I can't believe it... 994 00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:51,547 - You're spinning. You're spinning, and honestly... 995 00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:53,799 - get lucky and happy... - Honest you sound like a woman. 996 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,135 - ...bachelor parties at people third marriages... 997 00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:58,804 Like that's- what is that? That's crazy. 998 00:50:58,805 --> 00:51:01,557 It's him. 999 00:51:01,558 --> 00:51:03,184 Him who? 1000 00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,436 He never calls. He always texts. 1001 00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,645 Okay, no! Don't answer that. 1002 00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:08,481 - Jake! Jake! - Don't answer it. No. 1003 00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:09,065 Give me the phone! 1004 00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:10,483 - No. Absolutely not. Lainey, what are you doing? 1005 00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,985 Hey, you don't do this anymore. Remember? We're okay. 1006 00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:16,280 I'm sorry, yeah. You got to breathe Lainey, please breathe. 1007 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:16,989 Is there a problem? 1008 00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:19,158 Uh, yeah. My wife, she's prone to panic attacks. 1009 00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:22,411 It's this guy she's sleeping with. It's alright. 1010 00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:22,870 Okay... 1011 00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:25,498 Dude get the fuck out of here, I got it. 1012 00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:26,040 Alright, easy. 1013 00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:30,086 - I appreciate your concern, Superman! Fly away. 1014 00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,588 Baby. Just breathe will you. Okay? Will you? 1015 00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:35,508 Here, come on, sit down. You're gonna be okay. 1016 00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:37,843 It's alright, you just got to breathe. 1017 00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:39,428 Please. Okay? 1018 00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:42,848 Yeah. There you go. 1019 00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:45,559 Lainey, this is just fear. Alright? 1020 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:48,813 A really, really large dose of fear. 1021 00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:52,525 That's all that's going on. 1022 00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:55,027 A little adrenaline - in a bad way. 1023 00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:56,987 Does that make sense? 1024 00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:00,783 Also... 1025 00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:02,618 Mousetrap. 1026 00:52:02,619 --> 00:52:05,579 Complete and total Mousetrap right now. 1027 00:52:05,580 --> 00:52:06,497 Oh my god. 1028 00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,541 Stop. You're so fucked up. 1029 00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:09,875 I'm fucked up? What are you talking about? 1030 00:52:09,876 --> 00:52:14,213 You went Kathy Bates in Misery in the middle of Central Park. 1031 00:52:14,214 --> 00:52:17,091 Come on . Maybe we're both fucked up. At least give me that. 1032 00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:20,219 Come on. You want to get out of here? Central Park sucks. 1033 00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:24,265 I mean it's a goddamn bird toilet anyway. 1034 00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:29,270 Almost done. Just one more. 1035 00:52:33,900 --> 00:52:35,776 This is the greatest movie ever made. 1036 00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:38,487 Yeah, of course you love it. Look at her. 1037 00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,488 God I love you... 1038 00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:42,283 That's you, baby. I love you! 1039 00:52:42,284 --> 00:52:44,994 I'm gonna murder you all. I love you! 1040 00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:47,788 That's the second time you said that. 1041 00:52:47,789 --> 00:52:48,956 Said what? 1042 00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:50,958 You called me baby just now. 1043 00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,961 And you said it the other day too. 1044 00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,713 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 1045 00:52:55,714 --> 00:52:57,381 No, I mean it was a total accident. 1046 00:52:57,382 --> 00:53:00,301 I don't I don't know why I would... 1047 00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:16,942 Do you want talk about it? 1048 00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:21,363 Talk about what? 1049 00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:26,160 We're not a couple but we act like one. 1050 00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,209 Yeah... 1051 00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,919 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um... 1052 00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:40,382 I guess I've been putting this conversation off for awhile. 1053 00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:41,008 We don't have to-- 1054 00:53:41,009 --> 00:53:43,928 No. No. No. It's good. We should. 1055 00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:49,141 Okay, well... 1056 00:53:50,435 --> 00:53:55,856 You take this risk when you start sleeping with people. 1057 00:53:55,857 --> 00:53:59,109 You know, you risk losing them. 1058 00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:02,821 So for me, I've never slept with someone I 1059 00:54:02,822 --> 00:54:05,115 wasn't willing to lose. 1060 00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:09,495 Except one time. 1061 00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:12,623 And... 1062 00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:17,711 And it kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan. 1063 00:54:17,712 --> 00:54:19,922 And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay, 1064 00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:23,259 because I have no right to, you know. And... 1065 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:28,013 So I just want to spend as much time with my best friend 1066 00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:30,182 as I possibly can. 1067 00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,727 Before I lose her again. 1068 00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:39,066 I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know it's like-- 1069 00:54:39,067 --> 00:54:42,152 No. You're telling the truth. 1070 00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:45,489 Yeah... 1071 00:54:55,750 --> 00:54:57,751 So what now? 1072 00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,231 Hey, I got an idea. 1073 00:55:19,232 --> 00:55:21,859 - Hm-mm? - Will you... 1074 00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:28,824 take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party? 1075 00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:31,744 I literally thought you'd never ask. 1076 00:55:31,745 --> 00:55:33,412 - You thought I'd never get to this? 1077 00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:35,956 - I thought you would never get to this. 1078 00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:39,460 Where have you been all my life? 1079 00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:42,296 Right over your shoulder. 1080 00:55:42,881 --> 00:55:44,173 Waiting. 1081 00:55:44,174 --> 00:55:46,300 For the right moment. 1082 00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,635 Is that a yes or a no? 1083 00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:53,432 Happy birthday! 1084 00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:55,726 Look who it is. Look at this little human here. 1085 00:55:55,727 --> 00:55:59,063 Hello. Happy birthday. It's you're birthday! 1086 00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:02,191 Actually it's-- it's Henry's. He's seven. 1087 00:56:02,192 --> 00:56:05,152 She's not seven - but so happy you guys are here. 1088 00:56:05,153 --> 00:56:08,906 Oh my god - are you guys high? 1089 00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:09,865 We're actually rolling. 1090 00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:13,494 XTC? You know, that's how Henry was actually conceived. 1091 00:56:13,495 --> 00:56:14,536 - No kidding. - Yeah... 1092 00:56:14,537 --> 00:56:16,330 - Well that explains a lot. - Full circle... 1093 00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:17,831 Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys. 1094 00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:21,668 No offense, but seriously, just be safe. 1095 00:56:21,669 --> 00:56:22,628 You know what I mean. 1096 00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:24,296 But I'm sorry happy you guys are here. 1097 00:56:24,297 --> 00:56:25,589 It's so good to see you. 1098 00:56:25,590 --> 00:56:27,341 - Transformers guy didn't show up. 1099 00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:28,342 You kidding? 1100 00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:31,136 No, no, no. Oh my god - just kidding. No. Okay... 1101 00:56:31,137 --> 00:56:31,887 It feels soft and smooth. 1102 00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:33,305 No, and so there's a little bit of a meltdown. 1103 00:56:33,306 --> 00:56:35,516 It's a little bit of a crisis so I'm glad you're here. 1104 00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:36,433 Oh, is this for Henry? - Yeah. 1105 00:56:36,434 --> 00:56:39,061 Oh great. He loves New York ladies' flip flops. 1106 00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:41,355 Oh, no, no, no. those are mine. Those are for me. Those are me, 1107 00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:43,565 that shouldn't be in there. It's just a shitload of candy. 1108 00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:45,526 Great. Okay. That'll be nice. 1109 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,694 Are those hot pads also for Henry? 1110 00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:49,947 Yeah. Can I just hold them now? 1111 00:56:49,948 --> 00:56:52,199 Okay, sure. Come in. 1112 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,160 Okay, hopefully she goes down for her nap. 1113 00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:57,663 Okay - oh my god... 1114 00:56:58,206 --> 00:57:02,251 Okay, that kid has a hose. That kid has a hose. 1115 00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:03,252 You guys made it, huh? 1116 00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:07,506 Welcome to the hell scape that is my son's birthday party. 1117 00:57:07,507 --> 00:57:08,424 It's birth control. 1118 00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:11,510 Okay, when I say hello, you say hi! 1119 00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:12,761 - Hello! - Hi! 1120 00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:13,637 - Hello! - Hi! 1121 00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:18,142 I'm Miss Dalton! So you say 'Hi - Hi, Miss Dalton! 1122 00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:19,101 Hi, Miss Dalton! 1123 00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:21,186 Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance! 1124 00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:21,854 Me! 1125 00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,605 Okay, everybody go out to the grass. 1126 00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:27,276 I will meet you there. I will be right there. 1127 00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:30,404 Naomi, put on track seven on my workout mix. 1128 00:57:30,405 --> 00:57:33,282 - Wait, Lainey... you don't have to do this. 1129 00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:34,825 It's not your responsibility. 1130 00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:38,120 Okay, relax. I do this for a living. Also, 1131 00:57:38,121 --> 00:57:43,167 two minutes ago, I accepted my body for the first time. 1132 00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:44,418 That a girl! 1133 00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,253 She dances for a living? 1134 00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,964 - No, deals with kids. - She told me to relax, 1135 00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:52,509 and the word lasted for like four seconds. 1136 00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:54,845 Okay, okay, okay. Great, alright. 1137 00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:56,305 Are you guys ready to learn a dance? 1138 00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,849 - Yes! - Yes! Okay, this is good. 1139 00:57:58,850 --> 00:58:01,560 Because everyone likes a person who can dance. 1140 00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:06,482 And this dance you can do anywhere - all you need is your- 1141 00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:10,736 - Body! - Yes! And just a little- 1142 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,279 - Music! - Yes! 1143 00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:14,615 Okay, are you guys ready to learn the moves? 1144 00:58:14,616 --> 00:58:15,824 Yes! 1145 00:58:15,825 --> 00:58:18,452 Okay. Let's do this! 1146 00:58:29,088 --> 00:58:31,006 On my count... 1147 00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:32,549 here we go! 1148 00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:35,802 Five, six, seven, eight... 1149 00:58:51,194 --> 00:58:53,320 Ugh, I miss drugs... 1150 00:58:53,321 --> 00:58:54,071 Why don't we do drugs? 1151 00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:58,575 Because he have to control these lives that we gave birth to. 1152 00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:00,494 - First of all, I gave birth to them. 1153 00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:03,622 - Whatever. - We gave birth to? 1154 00:59:19,973 --> 00:59:21,932 I have not felt that free... 1155 00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:24,810 maybe my whole life. 1156 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,019 What? 1157 00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,691 - I want that-- What are you doing? 1158 00:59:30,692 --> 00:59:33,443 Okay, he's going to put a stop to it. 1159 00:59:33,444 --> 00:59:36,530 Alright, now we're going to freestyle. 1160 00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:37,698 Who knows who to freestyle? 1161 00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,908 - Me! - Alright, grab your folks. 1162 00:59:39,909 --> 00:59:41,118 Who's the choreographer? 1163 00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:42,536 Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey. 1164 00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:45,622 Jake's friend Lainey - who he really wants to fuck. 1165 00:59:45,623 --> 00:59:48,333 Yeah, really wants to get deep up in there. 1166 00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:50,836 - Like gross. - So she's single... 1167 00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:52,796 Oh, one hundred percent. 1168 01:00:12,775 --> 01:00:15,360 This was an awful idea. 1169 01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:17,321 Oh wow, that's weird. 1170 01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:19,948 I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater. 1171 01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,117 Oh, this is good stuff. 1172 01:00:22,118 --> 01:00:23,493 Excuse me. 1173 01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:25,454 I'm Chris. This is Paul. 1174 01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:26,788 Lainey. Jake. 1175 01:00:26,789 --> 01:00:29,916 - Ah, hi you two. Are you guys married? 1176 01:00:29,917 --> 01:00:32,919 This is my son, and he really liked dancing with you. 1177 01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:33,462 Didn't you, buddy? 1178 01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:36,340 - Dude... are you really using your kid to hit on my friend? 1179 01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:38,425 Shut up. Ignore him. He's on drugs. 1180 01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:40,218 Hi Paul. Nice to meet you. 1181 01:00:40,219 --> 01:00:42,888 - We're heading out. But here's my info. 1182 01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:45,432 In case you feel like you might need it. 1183 01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:47,309 Come on, buddy. You can drive. 1184 01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:50,103 - Oh boy... in case you might need it? 1185 01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:52,314 Why would you need his info. 1186 01:00:52,315 --> 01:00:54,191 You're jealous. 1187 01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:56,818 I'm going to assume it is because you're coming down 1188 01:00:56,819 --> 01:00:57,903 off a powerful drug. 1189 01:00:57,904 --> 01:00:59,821 First part false. Second part true. 1190 01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:00,405 Chris Smith. 1191 01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:04,284 Hold on - what? His name's Chris Smith? 1192 01:01:04,869 --> 01:01:06,286 It is? 1193 01:01:06,287 --> 01:01:09,206 As in Chris Smith tree? 1194 01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:11,083 As in Chris Smith carol? 1195 01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:12,584 - No. - Holy smokes! 1196 01:01:12,585 --> 01:01:15,170 I always thought he'd be heavier with a beard. 1197 01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,255 - Leave him alone. - I love it. It's great. 1198 01:01:17,256 --> 01:01:19,007 Okay, I'm going to try it again, alright. 1199 01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:22,969 Just see if any of the water goes down, alright. 1200 01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:30,602 I love those Rush Hour movies. Oh my gosh. Anything that 1201 01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:34,690 African American says, anything and I'm laughing, you know. 1202 01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:36,566 Hm-mm. Yeah. 1203 01:01:36,567 --> 01:01:38,902 - Shit, that was dumb. - No, Chris. 1204 01:01:38,903 --> 01:01:42,364 It's fine. They're great. They're such good movies. 1205 01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,366 I was married for eight years. 1206 01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:48,954 And I just I haven't done this in a while. 1207 01:01:50,039 --> 01:01:51,748 Me neither. 1208 01:01:53,042 --> 01:01:55,085 Are you okay? 1209 01:02:07,974 --> 01:02:10,392 Be rude to it. 1210 01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,617 That was ridiculous. 1211 01:02:28,870 --> 01:02:31,747 The Dirty DJ was our thing! Okay? 1212 01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:33,498 - Jake! - That was our thing. 1213 01:02:33,499 --> 01:02:36,334 - Okay, let me be super clear here. 1214 01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:37,002 Please. 1215 01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:39,463 - We don't have things that are sexual. 1216 01:02:39,464 --> 01:02:43,967 We don't sleep with each other so we don't have things. 1217 01:02:43,968 --> 01:02:47,095 Okay, but you know what I mean, alright. 1218 01:02:47,096 --> 01:02:49,806 I taught you that as a gift to you. 1219 01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:52,434 That was not a Chris Smith gift. 1220 01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:53,810 So. I don't get mad when you bring other 1221 01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:55,854 chicks to our restaurant. - Our restaurant? 1222 01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:58,815 - Yeah. Oh, thank you. Our restaurant? 1223 01:02:58,816 --> 01:03:01,818 I didn't know we put a down payment on this place? 1224 01:03:01,819 --> 01:03:02,235 Come on. 1225 01:03:02,236 --> 01:03:05,322 - I love that you get ownership over a randomly selected 1226 01:03:05,323 --> 01:03:07,949 dumpling spot but me, I can't share with you the 1227 01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:10,827 slightest disappointment over you co-opting 1228 01:03:10,828 --> 01:03:11,578 an original idea of mine. 1229 01:03:11,579 --> 01:03:16,333 - First of all, you are not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas. 1230 01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:17,083 I don't know who that is. 1231 01:03:17,084 --> 01:03:21,338 - And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding 1232 01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:23,215 scale morality. I'm not one of your dates. 1233 01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,550 - That is very true. You are not one of my dates. 1234 01:03:25,551 --> 01:03:26,718 Some water for you and the lady? 1235 01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:28,637 - No, the lady doesn't need it. She doesn't deserve that. 1236 01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:30,847 - I would like that, please. I actually would like the water. 1237 01:03:30,848 --> 01:03:33,850 - Sir, I can't stress enough- if we give her water I don't 1238 01:03:33,851 --> 01:03:35,060 know what happens. - Give me this water. 1239 01:03:35,061 --> 01:03:37,395 - See? She's addicted. She's addicted. This is an addict. 1240 01:03:37,396 --> 01:03:40,023 I have seen it a hundred times with her. 1241 01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:41,817 You gotta trust me. 1242 01:03:41,818 --> 01:03:43,527 You have lost your mind. 1243 01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:46,446 And you have lost your water. 1244 01:03:46,447 --> 01:03:47,364 So... 1245 01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:50,200 I guess we're tied. 1246 01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,661 I want to be able to talk you about this kind of thing. 1247 01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:54,830 I sense that. That's obvious. I just don't know why. 1248 01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:57,999 You talk to me about chicks you screw all the time. 1249 01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,001 That's different. 1250 01:04:00,711 --> 01:04:02,504 - Why? - Because I'm going inside them. 1251 01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:05,882 You're talking about someone inside you, that's just - Duh. 1252 01:04:05,883 --> 01:04:08,218 - Stop. - Grody. 1253 01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:11,221 This is the Bieder contract that has to go 1254 01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:12,973 to legal for comments. 1255 01:04:12,974 --> 01:04:16,017 Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute? 1256 01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:19,020 Ehm... I mean... a real minute? 1257 01:04:19,021 --> 01:04:21,106 A New York minute, I dunno, yeah a real minute. 1258 01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:22,732 Sixty seconds. Sure. 1259 01:04:22,733 --> 01:04:24,401 Okay. Ehm... 1260 01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,902 What was the other thing - oh yeah, 1261 01:04:25,903 --> 01:04:27,612 buzz me for the three o' clock. And that's it. 1262 01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:30,407 - Okay. - Yeah, don't fuck that up. 1263 01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,742 You got to let them have it. 1264 01:04:32,743 --> 01:04:34,828 Hey, will you sign this for me please? 1265 01:04:34,829 --> 01:04:36,413 Well I have to know what it is first. 1266 01:04:36,414 --> 01:04:38,206 Oh. It's a nullification of my contract. 1267 01:04:38,207 --> 01:04:43,461 It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander. 1268 01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:45,881 And why would you do that? 1269 01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:49,593 Right, no. because I want to go on a date with you. 1270 01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:50,093 Silly. 1271 01:04:50,094 --> 01:04:52,429 If you can just sign the back here - three places. 1272 01:04:52,430 --> 01:04:54,014 You can use my pen if you like. 1273 01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:57,183 And you can see I've executed my half, so... 1274 01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:59,436 You stand to make over five million dollars in 1275 01:04:59,437 --> 01:05:00,604 the next two years. 1276 01:05:00,605 --> 01:05:03,565 No shit? Wow... That's great. 1277 01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:05,942 But I mean I never really factor money into making my 1278 01:05:05,943 --> 01:05:08,904 decision making. But it doesn't change what I'm doing. 1279 01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,781 I appreciate the hardball, but obviously I can't take a 1280 01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:12,741 request like this seriously. 1281 01:05:12,742 --> 01:05:17,245 But he seriousness of my request is reflected in the hardball. 1282 01:05:17,246 --> 01:05:21,207 So I don't-I don't know what to do here. 1283 01:05:23,502 --> 01:05:25,795 Okay. I'll go on one date with you if you 1284 01:05:25,796 --> 01:05:27,255 answer a question truthfully. 1285 01:05:27,256 --> 01:05:29,007 Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah. 1286 01:05:29,008 --> 01:05:32,427 I answer all questions truthfully, but fire away. 1287 01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:36,848 What on earth makes you think I'm worth five million dollars? 1288 01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:40,060 What makes you think you're not? 1289 01:05:44,315 --> 01:05:46,399 Get out of here. Get back to work. 1290 01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:47,484 - I'm on break. - So take this... 1291 01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:50,612 - I'm on break. - ...and get out of my office. 1292 01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,072 Okay. 1293 01:05:52,156 --> 01:05:54,699 Alright. To be continued. 1294 01:05:56,035 --> 01:05:58,286 TTFN. 1295 01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:00,747 You know... I mean... 1296 01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:02,374 Ta ta for now. 1297 01:06:02,375 --> 01:06:05,168 My ex has my son this weekend. 1298 01:06:05,169 --> 01:06:07,545 And I know a place with cheap tequila. 1299 01:06:07,546 --> 01:06:10,173 We should go there. That sounds great. 1300 01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:11,675 Can you keep your mouth shut? 1301 01:06:11,676 --> 01:06:13,802 Yeah - I mean, not once we get there. 1302 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:17,555 Tequila makes me so chatty. In a good way I think. 1303 01:06:17,556 --> 01:06:20,183 - You mean out here? - Yes, just mouth shut, please. 1304 01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:23,520 - Not going to say a peep. - Get out of here! 1305 01:06:25,481 --> 01:06:27,649 Back to work, you! 1306 01:06:28,859 --> 01:06:30,610 Yes! 1307 01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:34,030 There you are. 1308 01:06:34,031 --> 01:06:35,532 Hey, thanks for coming Lainey. 1309 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,368 Partners always have to do these bullshit events. 1310 01:06:38,369 --> 01:06:40,495 I hope your heels are comfortable, because you're 1311 01:06:40,496 --> 01:06:43,915 going to be standing and talking to boring people all night. 1312 01:06:43,916 --> 01:06:47,210 I'm having a great time. Thank you for inviting me. 1313 01:06:47,211 --> 01:06:50,588 And these shoes are so comfortable. 1314 01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,675 Elaine? 1315 01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:56,386 - Hi, Matthew. - Good to see you. 1316 01:06:56,387 --> 01:06:58,638 - This is Chris. - Nice to meet you. 1317 01:06:58,639 --> 01:06:59,347 Nice to meet you, Matthew. 1318 01:06:59,348 --> 01:07:03,184 - Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time. 1319 01:07:03,686 --> 01:07:05,687 Your name is Elaine? 1320 01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:07,230 Lainey is a nickname. 1321 01:07:07,231 --> 01:07:08,189 I didn't know that. 1322 01:07:08,190 --> 01:07:11,026 - Oh. Elaine. You've never met my wife. Have you? 1323 01:07:11,027 --> 01:07:13,903 - I haven't. - Let me introduce you. Emma? 1324 01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,572 Come here. 1325 01:07:16,574 --> 01:07:19,576 This is Elaine. - It's so nice to meet you, Emma. 1326 01:07:19,577 --> 01:07:21,411 This is Chris. - Hi. 1327 01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:23,580 - When are you due? - October. 1328 01:07:23,581 --> 01:07:28,209 - Congratulations. Your first? - Yes. It's a boy. 1329 01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:29,878 We're so excited. 1330 01:07:29,879 --> 01:07:32,839 Matthew will be delivering him. 1331 01:07:32,840 --> 01:07:35,592 - Oh. OBGYN? - Yes. You? 1332 01:07:35,593 --> 01:07:37,761 - Partner over at Garrison and Shingle. 1333 01:07:37,762 --> 01:07:39,054 - A man of the law. - Yeah. 1334 01:07:39,055 --> 01:07:41,639 - I worked with you guys when I was a mediator on 1335 01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,682 Thorpe V Bronwin. - Sure. 1336 01:07:42,683 --> 01:07:46,019 Elaine, what is it that you do? - I teach kindergarten. 1337 01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:47,270 - That's right. I think I knew that. 1338 01:07:47,271 --> 01:07:51,733 Would you excuse me? I'm just going to run to the ladies room. 1339 01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:58,573 Okay, can I cut to the chase? 1340 01:07:58,574 --> 01:08:01,034 - I would love that. I love cutting to chases. Do it. 1341 01:08:01,035 --> 01:08:05,538 - Okay, so you're a womanizer. - Hey... How did you know that? 1342 01:08:05,539 --> 01:08:06,998 Everybody knows that. 1343 01:08:06,999 --> 01:08:09,292 The interns call you Jump Back Jake. 1344 01:08:09,293 --> 01:08:09,876 I have a nickname? 1345 01:08:09,877 --> 01:08:11,419 A nickname. That's how bad it is. 1346 01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:14,339 - It's not bad. - Or that's how good it is! 1347 01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:17,008 Right. See, that's what I'm saying. I mean, I assumed they 1348 01:08:17,009 --> 01:08:18,927 would speak about me but I thought I would be more along 1349 01:08:18,928 --> 01:08:21,096 the lines of something like... - Stellar Yelp reviews? 1350 01:08:21,097 --> 01:08:23,932 - Yeah. Stellar Yelp reviews. - So can I ask... 1351 01:08:23,933 --> 01:08:26,392 Yeah, how do I stop you? 1352 01:08:27,728 --> 01:08:29,229 Were you a fat teenager? 1353 01:08:29,230 --> 01:08:33,358 Did you-no seriously, did you not get along with your mother? 1354 01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:34,901 Do you just not like women? 1355 01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:37,904 Do you feel suffocated by them as soon as you-- 1356 01:08:37,905 --> 01:08:41,324 No, it's none of those things. God, those are all bad. 1357 01:08:41,325 --> 01:08:43,827 No, I think it was... 1358 01:08:45,621 --> 01:08:50,375 I think it was because I was a late bloomer. 1359 01:08:50,376 --> 01:08:52,961 Really? Me too. 1360 01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,131 That's amazing. No shit. 1361 01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,715 I mean, it's different for women. 1362 01:08:57,716 --> 01:09:00,510 I waited until my wedding night. 1363 01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:03,930 Did you grow up in America? 1364 01:09:03,931 --> 01:09:06,724 Holy shit. I don't think I've ever... 1365 01:09:06,725 --> 01:09:09,018 No, I've never met anybody that actually 1366 01:09:09,019 --> 01:09:10,728 waited until their wedding day. 1367 01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:12,939 That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity. 1368 01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:15,942 Okay, well I grew up very, very religiously. 1369 01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:17,819 What is your excuse? 1370 01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:20,071 Yeah, well my excuse. I think it's... 1371 01:09:20,072 --> 01:09:24,742 I thought it was something that should be special. 1372 01:09:25,578 --> 01:09:30,331 I think I literally sprouted a vagina when I said that. 1373 01:09:30,332 --> 01:09:31,666 Check, please... 1374 01:09:31,667 --> 01:09:33,585 There's a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in my pants 1375 01:09:33,586 --> 01:09:35,837 as we speak. - There are worse things. 1376 01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,548 That's true. Pollock... 1377 01:09:38,549 --> 01:09:39,507 Woof. 1378 01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:43,887 Yeah, but that's why I... yeah. 1379 01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:46,181 I mean, I had a bunch of friends who had done it and it just, 1380 01:09:46,182 --> 01:09:49,976 I don't know, at some point I realized it wasn't going to be 1381 01:09:49,977 --> 01:09:52,312 special and I just wanted to get it over with, 1382 01:09:52,313 --> 01:09:56,107 and it hasn't been special ever since. 1383 01:09:56,108 --> 01:09:58,484 So who was the girl? 1384 01:09:59,278 --> 01:10:00,528 Do you remember? 1385 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,573 - Do you need to get that? - Nope. 1386 01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:05,533 - Please. - No. No. It's just a friend. 1387 01:10:05,534 --> 01:10:07,202 Well you can still get the phone. 1388 01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:09,621 I don't want to get the phone. It's just a friend. 1389 01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:10,747 It's no big deal. 1390 01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:15,710 - You call has been forwarded to an automatic voice-- 1391 01:10:30,226 --> 01:10:33,061 Are you one of Matthew's patients? 1392 01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:34,854 No. I went to Columbia. 1393 01:10:34,855 --> 01:10:38,358 I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you. 1394 01:10:38,359 --> 01:10:41,945 Well I haven't seen him in a long time. 1395 01:10:41,946 --> 01:10:45,949 It shouldn't bother me but I don't like meeting his patients. 1396 01:10:45,950 --> 01:10:49,494 It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen 1397 01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:52,288 her... you know. 1398 01:10:52,539 --> 01:10:53,915 Of course. 1399 01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:56,584 Yeah, I'd feel the same way. 1400 01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:02,340 Lainey, everything okay? 1401 01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:05,969 Oh I got to go. Chris, I'm so sorry I'm leaving. I'm sick. 1402 01:11:05,970 --> 01:11:07,845 Oh no, well let me drive you home. 1403 01:11:07,846 --> 01:11:10,890 - No. Please... - Is everything alright? 1404 01:11:11,058 --> 01:11:12,517 I'm just not feeling well. 1405 01:11:12,518 --> 01:11:14,978 Oh. You should take our driver. 1406 01:11:14,979 --> 01:11:17,647 Emma and I are going to stick around for another hour or so. 1407 01:11:17,648 --> 01:11:21,526 But he can drop you off and be back in twenty minutes. Easy. 1408 01:11:21,527 --> 01:11:22,527 You don't know where I live. 1409 01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:24,153 That's so nice. Are you sure? 1410 01:11:24,154 --> 01:11:27,282 Yes. She'll never get a cab out at this hour. It's no trouble. 1411 01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:30,493 I'm really supposed to mingle a bit, but if you want me to come- 1412 01:11:30,494 --> 01:11:33,204 It's fine. I'll call you tomorrow. 1413 01:11:33,205 --> 01:11:35,331 Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better. 1414 01:11:35,332 --> 01:11:38,710 Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight. 1415 01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:41,379 It's no trouble. Thank you. 1416 01:11:43,340 --> 01:11:45,466 So it's the black Town Car. It's across the street-- 1417 01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,677 I know what your car looks like. I don't need it. 1418 01:11:47,678 --> 01:11:49,429 - I like your date. He seems nice. 1419 01:11:49,430 --> 01:11:49,971 Fuck you, Matt. 1420 01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:51,764 Why haven't you returned any of my calls? 1421 01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:53,641 - I blocked your number. - Why? 1422 01:11:53,642 --> 01:11:56,269 Because I'm not an asshole. 1423 01:11:56,270 --> 01:11:58,438 Okay. 1424 01:12:09,366 --> 01:12:12,160 - No, no. - What? What? 1425 01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:14,162 You're so greedy. 1426 01:12:15,706 --> 01:12:16,956 Nuh-uh. 1427 01:12:16,957 --> 01:12:18,708 - What? What do you want me to do? 1428 01:12:18,709 --> 01:12:20,877 I want you to do nothing. 1429 01:12:22,379 --> 01:12:27,759 I want you to do exactly what you don't normally do. 1430 01:12:28,469 --> 01:12:30,053 Okay? 1431 01:12:30,054 --> 01:12:31,763 Okay. 1432 01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:51,115 ...Fuck. 1433 01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:39,831 - Can you cum? - But you haven't. 1434 01:13:39,832 --> 01:13:43,334 - Cum inside me. I want you to cum now. 1435 01:13:44,002 --> 01:13:46,462 - Cum! - Okay. 1436 01:13:47,923 --> 01:13:49,882 ...Oh fuck! 1437 01:13:49,883 --> 01:13:51,759 Oh Lainey... 1438 01:13:54,054 --> 01:13:55,388 Oh Lainey... 1439 01:14:10,112 --> 01:14:11,654 Oh shit... 1440 01:14:19,371 --> 01:14:21,831 Who's Lainey? 1441 01:14:25,252 --> 01:14:26,878 Um... 1442 01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:29,547 It's a long story. 1443 01:14:33,427 --> 01:14:36,220 You want to tell me about it? 1444 01:14:40,642 --> 01:14:42,268 Yes... 1445 01:15:04,208 --> 01:15:06,876 I just tried calling you. 1446 01:15:07,461 --> 01:15:09,795 My phone died. 1447 01:15:10,923 --> 01:15:14,634 So. How was your day? 1448 01:15:15,344 --> 01:15:17,094 Swell. 1449 01:15:18,055 --> 01:15:20,556 Want to come up? 1450 01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,558 It's over. 1451 01:16:45,559 --> 01:16:47,977 He didn't choose me. 1452 01:16:47,978 --> 01:16:51,564 You never told him to make a choice, you know. 1453 01:16:56,695 --> 01:16:59,196 How was Paula? 1454 01:17:03,368 --> 01:17:05,745 That was a mess. 1455 01:17:07,998 --> 01:17:10,625 She nice to you? 1456 01:17:12,753 --> 01:17:14,545 Yes. 1457 01:17:15,714 --> 01:17:17,590 Good. 1458 01:17:35,692 --> 01:17:37,401 What's up? 1459 01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:42,114 Are we in love with each other? 1460 01:17:54,378 --> 01:17:57,755 What are we gonna do about it? 1461 01:18:05,806 --> 01:18:08,641 What do you want to do? 1462 01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:13,646 Nothing. 1463 01:18:16,692 --> 01:18:19,360 There's nothing to do. 1464 01:18:25,575 --> 01:18:28,494 I love you for free, Lainey. 1465 01:18:31,581 --> 01:18:34,667 I love you for free, Jake. 1466 01:19:26,303 --> 01:19:30,931 I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor? 1467 01:19:30,932 --> 01:19:33,142 Tempting. Tempting, but no. 1468 01:19:33,143 --> 01:19:37,146 Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow. 1469 01:19:37,147 --> 01:19:38,981 Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes? 1470 01:19:38,982 --> 01:19:41,609 Kara and George are shipping it to me on Monday. 1471 01:19:41,610 --> 01:19:43,861 - Cool. Alright. - I'm good. 1472 01:19:43,862 --> 01:19:46,363 You got it all figured out. 1473 01:19:46,364 --> 01:19:50,659 Alright, well last chance to ditch med school and run away 1474 01:19:50,660 --> 01:19:53,120 with me. Come on, what do you say? Let's go. 1475 01:19:53,121 --> 01:19:55,956 You just sneak in here, I'll drive. Bounce around. 1476 01:19:55,957 --> 01:19:59,001 - You know. Unfortunately I don't sleep with men 1477 01:19:59,002 --> 01:20:02,630 in relationships anymore. This new crazy thing. 1478 01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:05,007 - Gotcha. No that's okay. That's okay. 1479 01:20:05,008 --> 01:20:08,135 I stopped cheating anyway. Bad timing. 1480 01:20:08,136 --> 01:20:10,179 What happened to us? 1481 01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:12,848 We're getting a chance to start over. 1482 01:20:12,849 --> 01:20:13,933 That's true. 1483 01:20:13,934 --> 01:20:16,310 Just in time if you ask me. 1484 01:20:16,311 --> 01:20:20,606 Oh yes. Yeah. Before things got really bad. And weird. 1485 01:20:24,486 --> 01:20:26,153 Alright, well. 1486 01:20:26,154 --> 01:20:28,197 Goodbye forever. 1487 01:20:28,198 --> 01:20:31,659 Goodbye forever. Again. 1488 01:20:32,869 --> 01:20:35,371 Up top. There you go. 1489 01:20:41,753 --> 01:20:44,004 Thank you, Jake. 1490 01:20:45,632 --> 01:20:47,591 For what? 1491 01:20:48,718 --> 01:20:52,388 For teaching me how to love someone. 1492 01:20:55,684 --> 01:20:57,768 Anytime. 1493 01:21:01,189 --> 01:21:03,858 I'll get this for you - you've got to close this. 1494 01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:05,150 Yep. 1495 01:21:06,194 --> 01:21:08,696 It would be kinda cool though if you could just hang onto the 1496 01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:11,782 back. Eddie Murphy at the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop? 1497 01:21:11,783 --> 01:21:15,327 Remember that? Cigarette truck - never mind. 1498 01:21:15,453 --> 01:21:17,705 Alright. Drive safe. 1499 01:21:18,582 --> 01:21:21,000 - Go. - Bye. 1500 01:21:22,627 --> 01:21:25,421 Go be a hot shot. 1501 01:21:36,975 --> 01:21:41,353 Hi babe, it's me. Um... I hope the goodbye went well. 1502 01:21:41,354 --> 01:21:45,816 Oliver and I are on our way. Okay, see you soon. 1503 01:21:46,109 --> 01:21:49,403 Nice job, Oliver. You're a whirling dervish out there. 1504 01:21:49,404 --> 01:21:52,072 - A whirling dervish! - You got this, Henry. 1505 01:21:52,073 --> 01:21:53,240 - There you go, Henry. Right through. 1506 01:21:53,241 --> 01:21:56,285 How's that feel, blue? How's that feel, blue? 1507 01:21:56,286 --> 01:21:59,163 - Yeah, little legs but they move fast. 1508 01:21:59,164 --> 01:22:02,708 Get it. Get it. Reverse it. Reverse it. Yeah! 1509 01:22:02,792 --> 01:22:05,502 - Yes! Nice pass, man. - Get off me! 1510 01:22:05,503 --> 01:22:07,671 Sorry, I'm just a passionate fan man. 1511 01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:10,674 I'm sorry, go play soccer, what are you doing talking to me? 1512 01:22:10,675 --> 01:22:11,967 - What are you doing? - What? 1513 01:22:11,968 --> 01:22:12,718 You're embarrassing the kid. 1514 01:22:12,719 --> 01:22:14,094 They kid's having a great game, you're embarrassing-- 1515 01:22:14,095 --> 01:22:16,972 Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry! 1516 01:22:16,973 --> 01:22:19,224 - That's better? - How's that feel, blue? 1517 01:22:19,225 --> 01:22:21,602 How's that feel, blue? 1518 01:22:21,603 --> 01:22:24,188 My love is conditional. 1519 01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:33,155 When we were kids, we had like orange slices after a game. 1520 01:22:33,156 --> 01:22:33,614 Thank you. 1521 01:22:33,615 --> 01:22:36,992 That's like four hundred dollars worth of frozen yogurt. 1522 01:22:36,993 --> 01:22:37,785 All the toppings... 1523 01:22:37,786 --> 01:22:41,455 - She just said it's every topping. Every flavor. 1524 01:22:42,123 --> 01:22:42,790 Hey, what's up dude? 1525 01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:45,250 Is it okay if I go over Henry's to go swimming? 1526 01:22:45,251 --> 01:22:46,961 It's cool with me. Is it cool with you? 1527 01:22:46,962 --> 01:22:49,964 At my house? You're going to go swimming at my house? 1528 01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:51,131 Yes, I am. 1529 01:22:51,132 --> 01:22:53,592 - Let me think about it. - What do you say? 1530 01:22:53,593 --> 01:22:54,802 Alright. I'll allow it. 1531 01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:57,096 - You sure you don't want to come to brunch? 1532 01:22:57,097 --> 01:22:57,805 Me and your mom? 1533 01:22:57,806 --> 01:23:00,557 We're gonna have some eggs Benedict and some frittatas. 1534 01:23:00,558 --> 01:23:02,434 - Yeah, because that's what kids want to do. 1535 01:23:02,435 --> 01:23:05,354 They don't want to go swimming. They want to go to brunch. 1536 01:23:05,355 --> 01:23:06,855 Thanks, Jake. 1537 01:23:06,856 --> 01:23:08,607 There you go. 1538 01:23:09,484 --> 01:23:11,694 - You have really changed, my friend. 1539 01:23:11,695 --> 01:23:13,487 - Yes. - I have to say I don't mind it. 1540 01:23:13,488 --> 01:23:16,240 I don't know what that whole thing was with Lainey but it 1541 01:23:16,241 --> 01:23:20,160 really turned you around in the right direction. 1542 01:23:20,412 --> 01:23:22,121 How's she doing? 1543 01:23:22,122 --> 01:23:24,415 - Lainey? - Yeah. 1544 01:23:24,416 --> 01:23:27,793 I don't know. We haven't talked in a while. 1545 01:23:29,462 --> 01:23:33,590 Look at her, passing out toppings like-- 1546 01:23:34,009 --> 01:23:35,759 She's just like a dealer. 1547 01:23:35,760 --> 01:23:37,344 - What? - You're mad? 1548 01:23:37,345 --> 01:23:39,096 - No. - You're happy. You're both? 1549 01:23:39,097 --> 01:23:41,223 - You're crazy. - Are you mappy? You're mappy? 1550 01:23:41,224 --> 01:23:42,182 - I'm just going to say you're mappy. 1551 01:23:42,183 --> 01:23:44,601 - Have you thought this through? - It's a birthday gift. 1552 01:23:44,602 --> 01:23:46,020 - I can't go to France. I can't get off work. 1553 01:23:46,021 --> 01:23:48,147 - Do what you want, because I'm pretty sure there's going to be 1554 01:23:48,148 --> 01:23:50,566 a very nice suite in a five star hotel just waiting for you. 1555 01:23:50,567 --> 01:23:52,526 But you're right. It's a bad idea. Maybe you shouldn't go. 1556 01:23:52,527 --> 01:23:55,362 But I've got to find someone now with your exact name that can go 1557 01:23:55,363 --> 01:23:59,533 to Europe and use that room. Anybody here named Paula? 1558 01:23:59,534 --> 01:24:01,785 - Ssshhtt!! You're crazy. 1559 01:24:01,786 --> 01:24:03,370 - Settle up, people. No. Not at all. 1560 01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:07,708 I think this is a great idea. - When did you get this good? 1561 01:24:07,792 --> 01:24:10,502 I spent a long time being bad. 1562 01:24:17,886 --> 01:24:19,720 What? 1563 01:24:20,055 --> 01:24:24,975 I'm sorry, I just- I know this guy from somewhere. 1564 01:24:24,976 --> 01:24:28,395 - With the glasses? - I can't put my finger on it. 1565 01:24:28,396 --> 01:24:31,023 - From work? - No... 1566 01:24:33,234 --> 01:24:34,026 Neighbour? 1567 01:24:34,027 --> 01:24:37,488 No, I-I feel like he had longer hair. 1568 01:24:37,489 --> 01:24:39,239 Maybe he's an actor? 1569 01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:42,242 Maybe I knew him at Colum... 1570 01:24:43,995 --> 01:24:45,662 Columbia... 1571 01:24:48,666 --> 01:24:49,583 You know what - 1572 01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:51,960 you mind if I run over there just to see if it's him? 1573 01:24:51,961 --> 01:24:55,422 - Okay, baby. - Be right back. 1574 01:25:02,013 --> 01:25:03,430 Sobvechik? 1575 01:25:03,431 --> 01:25:05,891 Yeah. 1576 01:25:06,976 --> 01:25:10,062 - Oh, you're pregnant! - Oh my god! 1577 01:25:17,946 --> 01:25:20,614 Jake! Jake! 1578 01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:23,575 - Who are you, you fucking asshole! 1579 01:25:24,744 --> 01:25:26,787 Sorry. Sorry. 1580 01:25:29,541 --> 01:25:32,167 - Jake! 1581 01:25:32,168 --> 01:25:34,002 Somebody do something. 1582 01:25:34,003 --> 01:25:37,005 - That's for my girl! You shit! 1583 01:25:37,006 --> 01:25:39,299 Fuck you! 1584 01:25:39,884 --> 01:25:43,428 Get up! Come on. 1585 01:25:44,139 --> 01:25:46,265 - You fucking boring piece of shit! 1586 01:25:46,266 --> 01:25:48,851 Fucking tourist. 1587 01:25:48,852 --> 01:25:51,770 I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 1588 01:25:58,069 --> 01:25:59,778 Matthew, my water broke... 1589 01:25:59,779 --> 01:26:02,364 Honey! 1590 01:26:02,365 --> 01:26:03,198 We need a doctor. 1591 01:26:03,199 --> 01:26:05,534 - I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor! Hold on. 1592 01:26:05,535 --> 01:26:06,493 Hold on. Hold on. 1593 01:26:06,494 --> 01:26:07,870 I am her husband. 1594 01:26:07,871 --> 01:26:09,371 That is my wife and that is my baby. 1595 01:26:09,372 --> 01:26:12,499 And this motherfucker I don't even know! 1596 01:26:12,500 --> 01:26:13,250 Let's go! 1597 01:26:13,251 --> 01:26:14,209 What are you doing?! 1598 01:26:14,210 --> 01:26:16,044 Jake, you fucking maniac! 1599 01:26:16,045 --> 01:26:17,171 That's my husband! 1600 01:26:17,172 --> 01:26:19,047 Oh my God, Oh my God, 1601 01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:22,217 No! No! No! 1602 01:26:28,349 --> 01:26:32,227 No! No! 1603 01:26:32,228 --> 01:26:34,521 Matthew! Hey! Hey! 1604 01:26:34,522 --> 01:26:35,147 He didn't do anything. 1605 01:26:35,148 --> 01:26:38,901 We were just having brunch and then this fucker comes out of 1606 01:26:38,902 --> 01:26:40,652 nowhere and decks him! 1607 01:26:40,653 --> 01:26:43,405 The Henley wearing bullshit motherfucker! 1608 01:26:43,406 --> 01:26:46,575 Oh my god, this isn't happening. 1609 01:26:46,576 --> 01:26:48,785 I need a tissue... 1610 01:26:57,587 --> 01:27:00,380 Hey... 1611 01:27:04,344 --> 01:27:07,221 - They're going to book you for assault. 1612 01:27:07,222 --> 01:27:09,890 What? Why? 1613 01:27:11,100 --> 01:27:12,935 Sorry. Bad joke. 1614 01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:16,897 - So you're going to need someone to bail you out. 1615 01:27:16,898 --> 01:27:19,983 Oh, come on. Paula... 1616 01:27:19,984 --> 01:27:22,110 I don't need a hardball. 1617 01:27:22,111 --> 01:27:24,071 My girl? 1618 01:27:24,072 --> 01:27:26,531 What? 1619 01:27:26,532 --> 01:27:28,575 Michael, Who's your girl? 1620 01:27:28,576 --> 01:27:30,452 - Well I can explain that, it's just... 1621 01:27:30,453 --> 01:27:31,495 Who's your girl, Jake? 1622 01:27:31,496 --> 01:27:35,791 - I was... that guy's a fucking asshole who was really shitty 1623 01:27:35,792 --> 01:27:37,292 to a good friend of mine. 1624 01:27:37,293 --> 01:27:38,293 You can't even say it. 1625 01:27:38,294 --> 01:27:41,630 You can't even look at me and just say her name. 1626 01:27:44,300 --> 01:27:45,425 I don't even... 1627 01:27:45,426 --> 01:27:46,093 Give me the courtesy. 1628 01:27:46,094 --> 01:27:49,137 - What are you talking- I haven't even spoken to her 1629 01:27:49,138 --> 01:27:50,222 since she left. 1630 01:27:50,223 --> 01:27:53,850 I didn't do anything wrong here, okay? 1631 01:27:53,851 --> 01:27:55,310 You've been playing house. 1632 01:27:55,311 --> 01:27:57,980 I let my son fall in love with you... 1633 01:27:57,981 --> 01:27:59,690 Oh come on, that is not true. 1634 01:27:59,691 --> 01:28:01,358 - You've been lying this whole time. 1635 01:28:01,359 --> 01:28:02,150 I have not lied! 1636 01:28:02,151 --> 01:28:05,946 I would not lie to you. To him. Okay? 1637 01:28:05,947 --> 01:28:08,323 I wasn't trying to hurt you. 1638 01:28:08,324 --> 01:28:11,159 Wow, you really, you really... 1639 01:28:11,160 --> 01:28:11,702 Really what? 1640 01:28:11,703 --> 01:28:12,911 - Two different people, my friend. 1641 01:28:12,912 --> 01:28:15,539 Oh come on. I am not, okay? 1642 01:28:15,540 --> 01:28:16,707 - But you're gonna figure it out. 1643 01:28:16,708 --> 01:28:20,502 - Figure what- what are you doing? 1644 01:28:20,503 --> 01:28:22,879 You're just going to go? 1645 01:28:24,841 --> 01:28:26,508 Okay. Great... 1646 01:28:27,510 --> 01:28:29,386 Great. Okay. 1647 01:28:30,763 --> 01:28:32,306 Great! 1648 01:28:33,349 --> 01:28:35,309 Wonderful. 1649 01:28:35,310 --> 01:28:37,561 Fucking... 1650 01:28:40,481 --> 01:28:43,150 Who wants more wine? 1651 01:28:43,151 --> 01:28:44,359 I'll take some. 1652 01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:46,486 Great. 1653 01:28:46,946 --> 01:28:48,196 Hello? 1654 01:28:48,197 --> 01:28:49,906 Hey, baby. 1655 01:28:49,907 --> 01:28:50,657 Jake? 1656 01:28:50,658 --> 01:28:53,535 - Yeah. Yeah. yeah. How are you doing? 1657 01:28:53,536 --> 01:28:57,414 I'm fine. 1658 01:28:57,415 --> 01:28:58,623 Where are you calling me from? 1659 01:28:58,624 --> 01:29:01,418 - Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail for cool 1660 01:29:01,419 --> 01:29:02,878 people who fucked up? 1661 01:29:02,879 --> 01:29:04,921 There's just one big old jail for everyone. 1662 01:29:04,922 --> 01:29:07,799 Jake. What happened. 1663 01:29:07,800 --> 01:29:12,095 - Well... I ran into our old college buddy, 1664 01:29:12,096 --> 01:29:15,432 Matthew Sobvechik. 1665 01:29:15,850 --> 01:29:17,809 Baby, what did you do? 1666 01:29:17,810 --> 01:29:20,437 Well.. I um... 1667 01:29:22,523 --> 01:29:24,816 I sort of beat he shit out of him. 1668 01:29:24,817 --> 01:29:27,569 Fucked up his life a little bit. 1669 01:29:27,570 --> 01:29:30,322 Why did you do that? 1670 01:29:30,323 --> 01:29:33,742 I um... 1671 01:29:33,743 --> 01:29:37,245 Well I just, um... 1672 01:29:37,246 --> 01:29:39,915 I just really miss you. 1673 01:29:39,916 --> 01:29:44,753 Yeah, I think about you like, all the time. 1674 01:29:44,754 --> 01:29:47,756 Even the word "Think" is wrong, 1675 01:29:47,757 --> 01:29:49,800 because I don't actively do anything. 1676 01:29:49,801 --> 01:29:53,929 You're just here. 1677 01:29:57,266 --> 01:29:59,267 Look, I didn't think I'd remember you. 1678 01:29:59,268 --> 01:30:01,978 I thought that I would forget about all of it. 1679 01:30:01,979 --> 01:30:03,188 And I didn't... 1680 01:30:03,189 --> 01:30:07,150 You know, I just-I know we're no good at this shit. 1681 01:30:07,151 --> 01:30:09,361 And that's why we agreed to stop seeing each other. 1682 01:30:09,362 --> 01:30:11,822 So we wouldn't fuck it up. But... 1683 01:30:12,824 --> 01:30:15,450 But I want you to come back. 1684 01:30:15,451 --> 01:30:17,828 I need you to... 1685 01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:20,414 Because ahh, 1686 01:30:20,415 --> 01:30:23,208 Because I'd rather fail with you, 1687 01:30:23,209 --> 01:30:28,713 than win with anyone else. 1688 01:30:33,719 --> 01:30:36,972 Hello? 1689 01:30:37,598 --> 01:30:39,683 Lainey? Are you still there? 1690 01:30:39,684 --> 01:30:41,810 Just keep talking. 1691 01:30:41,811 --> 01:30:43,812 I love hearing your voice. 1692 01:30:43,813 --> 01:30:45,605 I love hearing you say my name. 1693 01:30:45,606 --> 01:30:46,815 You do? Lainey! 1694 01:30:46,816 --> 01:30:48,358 Jake. Jake. 1695 01:30:48,359 --> 01:30:49,484 Lainey! 1696 01:30:49,485 --> 01:30:50,610 I love you so much. 1697 01:30:50,611 --> 01:30:51,319 I love you. 1698 01:30:51,320 --> 01:30:52,195 Lainey. Lainey. Lainey. 1699 01:30:52,196 --> 01:30:52,863 I love you. 1700 01:30:52,864 --> 01:30:54,030 I love you so much! 1701 01:30:54,031 --> 01:30:55,031 I love you! 1702 01:30:55,032 --> 01:30:56,158 I love you, Jake! 1703 01:30:56,159 --> 01:30:57,576 I love you! Lainey! Lainey! 1704 01:30:57,577 --> 01:30:58,493 What are you doing?! 1705 01:30:58,494 --> 01:30:59,077 Fucking take it. 1706 01:30:59,078 --> 01:31:01,705 Okay honey, you're on speaker phone in a police station. 1707 01:31:01,706 --> 01:31:03,331 Be very careful what you say. 1708 01:31:03,332 --> 01:31:04,207 Hello, police. 1709 01:31:04,208 --> 01:31:09,129 I love you. Don't- don't hurt any more people. 1710 01:31:09,130 --> 01:31:11,256 Easy! Easy! Watch it. 1711 01:31:11,257 --> 01:31:12,466 Back off. Back off. 1712 01:31:12,467 --> 01:31:20,223 Elaine! Elaine! Elaine! I love you! 1713 01:31:20,224 --> 01:31:24,644 I love you! 1714 01:31:30,776 --> 01:31:33,111 Yes? Yes. 1715 01:31:35,406 --> 01:31:38,408 I will communicate the message. 1716 01:31:39,619 --> 01:31:42,078 Mr. Sobvechik will not be joining us. 1717 01:31:42,079 --> 01:31:43,663 We will have to postpone. 1718 01:31:43,664 --> 01:31:45,582 - Come on. This is the third time. 1719 01:31:45,583 --> 01:31:47,626 - My client has a newborn he has to spend time with. 1720 01:31:47,627 --> 01:31:50,378 - We have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit. 1721 01:31:50,379 --> 01:31:52,756 Your client is clearly dragging this thing out. 1722 01:31:52,757 --> 01:31:55,842 - My office will be in touch to reschedule. 1723 01:32:05,686 --> 01:32:09,731 - I forgot that Pinkerton was an alias of yours. 1724 01:32:09,732 --> 01:32:12,859 - You never caught that reference. 1725 01:32:14,278 --> 01:32:17,113 Madame Butterfly. 1726 01:32:17,114 --> 01:32:18,782 Just because I don't applaud your intellect 1727 01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:21,785 doesn't mean I don't notice it. 1728 01:32:29,502 --> 01:32:30,502 Matthew. 1729 01:32:30,503 --> 01:32:34,965 - I need you to swear that you didn't plan this. 1730 01:32:34,966 --> 01:32:36,633 I didn't plan this. 1731 01:32:36,634 --> 01:32:39,469 Jake's offering you a lot of money to settle this emotional 1732 01:32:39,470 --> 01:32:41,137 distress lawsuit so... 1733 01:32:41,138 --> 01:32:42,556 Just take it. 1734 01:32:42,557 --> 01:32:44,849 - Or what? Are you threatening me? 1735 01:32:44,850 --> 01:32:46,601 I don't need to threaten you. 1736 01:32:46,602 --> 01:32:47,561 Let me guess. I drop it, 1737 01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:49,938 or you tell Emma we slept together. 1738 01:32:49,939 --> 01:32:51,648 I'd tell her what I know. 1739 01:32:51,649 --> 01:32:53,650 Which is what. 1740 01:32:55,069 --> 01:32:59,573 - I know that you stop breathing when you kiss. 1741 01:32:59,574 --> 01:33:01,825 That when you lean in to whisper, 1742 01:33:01,826 --> 01:33:07,080 you put your lips right up against the back of my earlobe. 1743 01:33:07,081 --> 01:33:10,292 You kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat 1744 01:33:10,293 --> 01:33:12,961 over my shoulders. 1745 01:33:14,463 --> 01:33:18,925 I remember every compliment you ever gave me. 1746 01:33:18,926 --> 01:33:22,929 Everything you ever did to me in bed. 1747 01:33:22,930 --> 01:33:24,514 And the day you made me yours. 1748 01:33:24,515 --> 01:33:30,353 The day you said: Elaine, I wish I could have known you when you 1749 01:33:30,354 --> 01:33:33,523 were a little girl. So that I could've been... 1750 01:33:33,524 --> 01:33:36,985 Could've been your true love. 1751 01:33:36,986 --> 01:33:40,280 I remember too, you know. 1752 01:33:40,281 --> 01:33:44,534 - Would any of it sound familiar to Emma? 1753 01:33:44,535 --> 01:33:46,578 Some. Yes. 1754 01:33:46,579 --> 01:33:49,039 - I don't think she needs to know that things she holds close 1755 01:33:49,040 --> 01:33:53,585 to her heart were rehearsed on someone else. 1756 01:33:55,796 --> 01:33:58,923 Goodbye, Mathew. 1757 01:34:06,474 --> 01:34:08,141 - So is he going to drop the charges? 1758 01:34:08,142 --> 01:34:09,768 Am I allowed to leave the state? 1759 01:34:09,769 --> 01:34:10,935 He will. You may. 1760 01:34:10,936 --> 01:34:14,147 - Good, because I booked us a flight back to Michigan 1761 01:34:14,148 --> 01:34:15,190 at 10am tomorrow morning. 1762 01:34:15,191 --> 01:34:16,858 - Great. I have a final at three. 1763 01:34:16,859 --> 01:34:19,653 - Excellent. I'll help you study. I'll make flashcards. 1764 01:34:19,654 --> 01:34:21,446 So no honeymoon? 1765 01:34:21,447 --> 01:34:22,113 Oh no, no. 1766 01:34:22,114 --> 01:34:22,906 There's going to be a honeymoon. 1767 01:34:22,907 --> 01:34:25,075 I got us the penthouse suite down at the plaza 1768 01:34:25,076 --> 01:34:26,451 right down the road here. 1769 01:34:26,452 --> 01:34:26,868 Nice! 1770 01:34:26,869 --> 01:34:29,454 - But first I've got to take you downtown and make an honest 1771 01:34:29,455 --> 01:34:31,456 woman out of you. - Rings? 1772 01:34:31,457 --> 01:34:32,499 Shit... 1773 01:34:32,500 --> 01:34:36,044 Kidding. Xander's got them. 1774 01:34:36,212 --> 01:34:39,923 - I can't believe that we lost our virginity to each other and 1775 01:34:39,924 --> 01:34:41,591 saved ourselves for marriage. 1776 01:34:41,592 --> 01:34:42,967 That's pretty great. 1777 01:34:42,968 --> 01:34:44,719 - Yeah, I'm proud of us. Nicely done. 1778 01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:47,263 - But it's not like we haven't done it. 1779 01:34:47,264 --> 01:34:47,806 Of course. 1780 01:34:47,807 --> 01:34:48,932 I know what it looks like. 1781 01:34:48,933 --> 01:34:49,766 Yeah, yeah. It's been a while. 1782 01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:51,935 But I know what your situation is down there. 1783 01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:52,686 Oh really? 1784 01:34:52,687 --> 01:34:55,271 How's my situation? 1785 01:34:55,272 --> 01:34:56,898 You kidding? 1786 01:34:56,899 --> 01:35:00,068 It's perfect. 1787 01:35:01,112 --> 01:35:02,362 Oh well... 1788 01:35:02,363 --> 01:35:05,782 I'm pretty much a dream come true. 1789 01:35:07,785 --> 01:35:11,371 Mousetrap... 1790 01:35:12,248 --> 01:35:13,540 Do we really have to... 1791 01:35:13,541 --> 01:35:14,624 No, we don't. 1792 01:35:14,625 --> 01:35:17,752 Safe word to code word, I guess... 1793 01:35:17,753 --> 01:35:19,671 We should probably... 1794 01:35:19,672 --> 01:35:21,423 - Let's go fuck first, then we'll meet them down there. 1795 01:35:21,424 --> 01:35:23,925 - We gotta do it now, yeah. But we got to do it quick. 1796 01:35:23,926 --> 01:35:24,926 Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late. 1797 01:35:24,927 --> 01:35:27,470 - Absolutely... How long shall I tell him we're going to be? 1798 01:35:27,471 --> 01:35:28,138 A couple of hours. 1799 01:35:28,139 --> 01:35:29,514 Really? Luck guy, aren't I. 1800 01:35:29,515 --> 01:35:31,474 - Yeah, and then we'll still go and get married. 1801 01:35:31,475 --> 01:35:34,811 - Absolutely. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something. 1802 01:35:34,812 --> 01:35:36,855 What? 1803 01:35:39,692 --> 01:35:41,651 That. 1804 01:35:41,652 --> 01:35:42,861 Yeah. 1805 01:35:42,862 --> 01:35:43,945 Better, right? 1806 01:35:43,946 --> 01:35:45,947 So we got twenty blocks. 1807 01:35:45,948 --> 01:35:47,449 - Why didn't we just take the bus? 1808 01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,366 Oh that's a good point. 1809 01:35:48,367 --> 01:35:49,367 Should we get on the bus? 1810 01:35:49,368 --> 01:35:52,370 I wonder if we can find that route where we first did it. 1811 01:35:52,371 --> 01:35:54,205 Oh, you're such a romantic. 1812 01:35:54,206 --> 01:35:55,957 Yeah, yeah.... 1813 01:35:55,958 --> 01:35:57,584 I love you. 1814 01:35:57,585 --> 01:35:59,586 I love you too. 1815 01:36:21,734 --> 01:36:24,903 Yeah. we'll be here. 1816 01:36:24,904 --> 01:36:27,614 Okay, have fun I dunno. 1817 01:36:27,615 --> 01:36:28,531 Okay, bye. 1818 01:36:28,532 --> 01:36:32,327 Um they're going to be here in like ninety minutes. 1819 01:36:32,328 --> 01:36:34,746 When have you ever had sex for ninety minutes? 1820 01:36:34,747 --> 01:36:35,622 With you? 1821 01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:36,164 With anybody. 1822 01:36:36,165 --> 01:36:38,166 You have not had sex for ninety minutes? 1823 01:36:38,167 --> 01:36:41,461 - I have had actual intercourse for ninety minutes. 1824 01:36:41,462 --> 01:36:43,630 - I bet their counting foreplay and stuff. 1825 01:36:43,631 --> 01:36:44,714 No well, maybe they are. 1826 01:36:44,715 --> 01:36:48,384 - Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all. 1827 01:36:48,385 --> 01:36:51,095 I bet this sex thing is a ruse. 1828 01:36:51,096 --> 01:36:51,930 For what? 1829 01:36:51,931 --> 01:36:53,181 They're having trouble. 1830 01:36:53,182 --> 01:36:53,932 Cold feet. 1831 01:36:53,933 --> 01:36:54,808 Second thoughts. 1832 01:36:54,809 --> 01:36:55,558 Second thoughts? 1833 01:36:55,559 --> 01:36:57,143 They literally just got back together. 1834 01:36:57,144 --> 01:36:59,938 - I know, but now they have to have this whole sex thing. 1835 01:36:59,939 --> 01:37:01,105 I don't know... 1836 01:37:01,106 --> 01:37:05,360 - First of all, we had sex at the last minute, 1837 01:37:05,361 --> 01:37:06,820 right before we got married. 1838 01:37:06,821 --> 01:37:08,238 I don't think that's true. 1839 01:37:08,239 --> 01:37:08,780 Really? 1840 01:37:08,781 --> 01:37:10,448 You don't remember someone sneaking into 1841 01:37:10,449 --> 01:37:11,741 my room right before? 1842 01:37:11,742 --> 01:37:13,743 Who? Who? I'll murder him! 1843 01:37:13,744 --> 01:37:16,287 Text us if you're going to do this. 1844 01:37:16,288 --> 01:37:17,914 We'll be there. I've got the rings. 1845 01:37:17,915 --> 01:37:19,916 The whole deal, so just ahh... 1846 01:37:19,917 --> 01:37:21,960 - We're gonna go have sex for nine minutes. 1847 01:37:21,961 --> 01:37:24,921 - Yes, we're gonna go have sex for nine minutes. 1848 01:37:24,922 --> 01:37:27,882 - Now I'm super happy with four to six. 1849 01:37:27,883 --> 01:37:31,094 - Four to six minutes or four to six inches? 1850 01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:32,303 Both. 1851 01:37:32,304 --> 01:37:34,138 - I can get to like six and a quarter. 1852 01:37:34,139 --> 01:37:37,725 I'll show you right now. It is so cold. 1853 01:37:37,726 --> 01:37:39,727 I can't get hard right now. 1854 01:37:39,728 --> 01:37:40,353 Just show me. 1855 01:37:40,354 --> 01:37:41,896 I can't get hard right now! 1856 01:37:41,897 --> 01:37:42,522 Alright. 1857 01:37:42,523 --> 01:37:43,773 I want to though. 1858 01:37:43,774 --> 01:37:44,190 Here... 1859 01:37:44,191 --> 01:37:45,692 - If they're gonna be ninety minutes. 1860 01:37:45,693 --> 01:37:46,234 Will this help? 1861 01:37:46,235 --> 01:37:48,278 - Yeah, oh That's doing something... 1862 01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:51,364 There's a kid looking at me. 1863 01:37:51,365 --> 01:37:53,199 The kid's locked eyes with me. 1864 01:37:53,200 --> 01:37:55,910 Hey. We made it work. 1865 01:37:55,911 --> 01:37:57,078 12 years! 1866 01:37:57,079 --> 01:37:58,288 Who would have thought. 1867 01:37:58,289 --> 01:38:00,248 Don't say twelve years... 1868 01:38:00,249 --> 01:38:02,000 I bet my brother seven and I would be out. 1869 01:38:02,001 --> 01:38:04,377 I had to give him 5000 dollars. 1870 01:38:04,378 --> 01:38:04,752 What?! 1871 01:38:04,753 --> 01:38:06,880 - Yeah. 5 years ago I gave him 5000 dollars. 1872 01:38:06,881 --> 01:38:08,423 Remember, you were so mad. 1873 01:38:08,424 --> 01:38:08,840 Yeah! 1874 01:38:08,841 --> 01:38:11,968 - Yeah. I paid him that because I lasted longer. 1875 01:38:11,969 --> 01:38:14,095 - You said you got into a car accident. 1876 01:38:14,096 --> 01:38:17,682 It's weird to look at you for this long. 1877 01:38:17,683 --> 01:38:18,850 What do you mean? 1878 01:38:18,851 --> 01:38:20,101 I never look at you. 1879 01:38:20,102 --> 01:38:23,062 Get a good gander. 1880 01:38:25,941 --> 01:38:28,568 What are you doing? Don't dance. 1881 01:38:28,569 --> 01:38:30,278 Don't dance, please. 1882 01:38:30,279 --> 01:38:32,363 I don't like it. 1883 01:38:32,364 --> 01:38:36,534 What are you... Don't grind up on me, weirdo. 1884 01:38:36,535 --> 01:38:37,785 There's not even music. 1885 01:38:37,786 --> 01:38:38,536 Really? 1886 01:38:38,537 --> 01:38:39,746 There's music in my body. 1887 01:38:39,747 --> 01:38:40,705 - Okay, now something's happening. 1888 01:38:40,706 --> 01:38:43,583 Let's get out of here. Let's go back to the hotel. 1889 01:38:43,584 --> 01:38:45,084 I want to do stuff to your body. 1890 01:38:45,085 --> 01:38:47,921 Upstairs. Downstairs. Right? 1891 01:38:47,922 --> 01:38:48,922 Yeah. 1892 01:38:48,923 --> 01:38:51,507 All right. 1893 01:38:51,508 --> 01:38:53,051 I love you, honey. 1894 01:38:53,052 --> 01:38:54,385 I love you. 1895 01:38:54,386 --> 01:38:56,930 Let's go! 142975