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ARCHER: Are you shitting me?!
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How can they do that?!
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And do you have to do that
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right goddamn now?!
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KRIEGER: I actually
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don't have to do it ever.
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CYRIL: And so I ask again,
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why are you?!
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KRIEGER: Mm-m.
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ARCHER: How can they seize
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my penthouse?!
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MALORY: Well A, they're the
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government, and B, ISIS owned
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that penthouse, so -
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ARCHER: Since when?
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MALORY: Since this new thing
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called always?
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It never struck you as odd
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that you lived there
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for ten years and never paid
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a dime in rent?!
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ARCHER: I just thought it was
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because I banged the landlord's
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wife when she dropped off
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the key.
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But I realize now
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that I was mistaken.
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LANA: Aw, what a scary
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new feeling for you.
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ARCHER: Not as scary
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as having to live
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in Casa de Addams Family
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with you two!
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MALORY: Ugh, no,
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I'm just working here,
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not moving in.
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I was smart enough to put
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my apartment in Ron's name.
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LANA: We all could've hidden
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our assets if you'd warned us
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we were about to be
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arrested for treason!
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MALORY: Oh for the love,
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how long are you going to
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throw that in my face? !
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LANA: Probably at least
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through the weekend.
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MALORY: Well, then you'll have
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to throw it from Miami.
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LANA: Wait, no, why,
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what's in --
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[ BEEP BEEP BEEP! ]
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LANA: -- Miami.
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MALORY: Besides ninety percent
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of all mosquitoes and Cubans
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on earth?
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ARCHER: That sounds high.
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MALORY: A buyer for twenty
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kilos of our cocaine.
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LANA: Okay, now you sound high.
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[ BRAWMP! ]
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MALORY: And what did I say
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about that horn? !
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PAM: Oh, you were serious?
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MALORY: Did I not
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look serious? !
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LANA: Well maybe she
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couldn't tell,
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because you seemed pretty
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serious just now,
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when you said you set up
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a drug deal.
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MALORY: How else are we
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supposed to sell it?
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It's not like we can have
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a yard sale.
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ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
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Hello, people would steal it?
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LANA: I realize.
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We can't have a yard sale.
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ARCHER: Plus it's illegal?
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LANA: My point.
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Is how did you, Malory,
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possibly, set up
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a major drug deal?
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MALORY: Oh,
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don't worry about that...
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LANA: Kinda feel like I should.
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MALORY: Just worry about
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not screwing up this deal,
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because if it all goes well,
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my contact's people may
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buy the rest.
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And the sooner we sell
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this cocaine,
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the sooner we'll all be
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set for life.
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ARCHER: And the sooner we
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can move out of this enormous,
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Gilded Age mansion.
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Which -- where the hell is
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Woodhouse?
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PAM: In the pool.
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WOODHOUSE: Hello?
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I've finished!
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ARCHER: Jesus Christ,
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how long does it take him
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to move in?
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MALORY: And so, the sooner
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you go to Miami...
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LANA: Oh, I'm sorry,
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lemme eat forty pounds of
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coke-filled rubbers,
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and we're off.
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MALORY: Don't be ridiculous -
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ARCHER: Hello, pregnant?
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MALORY: -- Dr. Krieger has
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devised a way
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to transport the cocaine
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undetected.
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KRIEGER: Oh, you were serious?
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MALORY: Wh-? God! Dammit!
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KRIEGER: Sometimes it's hard
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to tell with you!
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MALORY: And since Carol insists
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on keeping Ms. Gillette here
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as a voice coach...
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CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi,
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fa, so, la, teeeeee!
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GILLETTE: No no no no no!
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Again!
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CHERYL/CAROL: Do -
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ARCHER: And also
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since he's crippled...
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MALORY: And also since
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he's crippled, Pam --
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[ BRAWMP! ]
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MALORY: will be going with you.
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PAM: Kinda like the third
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Musketeer, huh? !
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MALORY: Kinda.
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ARCHER: Hey Pam, relax, breathe
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you're doing fine...
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But since that, um,
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special "plaster" in your cast
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can totally be absorbed through
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the skin,
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you're probably gonna wanna try
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to minimize the sweating.
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Yeah, just think cool thoughts.
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Like eating mint
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chocolate chip ice cream.
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In your refrigerated drawer.
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At the morgue.
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CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi, fa --
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GILLETTE: No! Again!
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MALORY: My God,
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how I envy the deaf.
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I hope you're a better lawyer
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than she is a singer.
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CYRIL: I'd have to be.
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And I will be,
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I'm pretty darn excited
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to be practicing law again.
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I mean, hopefully I won't have
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to defend anybody in court,
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but --
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MALORY: But there's always
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a district attorney
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to blackmail,
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a witness to coerce,
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a judge to bribe...
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CYRIL: Bribe with what?
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The government seized the
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ISIS accounts, we're broke.
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MALORY: Hopefully not for long.
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And when that drug money
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starts pouring in,
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you'll be in charge of
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laundering.
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CYRIL: I'll start looking
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for a laundromat.
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MALORY: Wh-?
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Money laundering, you ass!
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Oh, you mean as a front,
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because a laundromat
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is a cash-based business.
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Why don't I just leave that
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whole side of the organization
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to you?
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CYRIL: Only if you promise
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to periodically micromanage it.
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And emasculate me.
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MALORY: Cyril,
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I would have thought
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that goes without saying.
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ARCHER: Ugh!
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It smells like a skunk ape!
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LANA: Yeah,
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I'm hoping the mattresses
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are just mildewy, and not...
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Mildewy and dead-hookery.
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ARCHER: No, not the room.
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These.
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PAM: Casts smell bad when
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thing people know about!
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ARCHER: Yeah after six weeks,
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not six hours!
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LANA: So listen,
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about this deal...
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ARCHER: Hang on.
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Pam, chop chop, torso!
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Ugh, this smells like a kennel,
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but for dogs that are poor.
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LANA: Archer!
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ARCHER: What, smell it.
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LANA: Shut up, look
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your mother's got the time
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in here, the place,
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price per kilo...
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But there's nothing
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about her contact,
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no picture,
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not even a name?
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What if this "person" is
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really a biker gang?
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ARCHER: Who gives a shit?
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Hang on.
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Legs!
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Lana, you and I, more me,
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were two of the best
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secret agents in the
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world...
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LANA: We were rogues.
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ARCHER: Potato, puh-treason,
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whatever, but we've been
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up against terrorists,
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assassins, the KGB,
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the IRA remember, North Korea,
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cyborgs, help me out...
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LANA: Space pirates...
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ARCHER: Oh my God, I forgot
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about the space pirates!
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But the point is,
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we are highly trained
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covert operatives with an
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extremely dangerous set
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of skills --
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Pam, legs!
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-- and since the government
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has unjustly accused us
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of treason,
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we are now forced to transfer
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those skills from espionage
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to criminal activity,
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kind of like the A-Team,
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but we sell drugs.
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LANA: And you're okay
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with that.
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ARCHER: Are you not? !
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Lana, it's the A-Team
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meets Scarface!
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That makes me...
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LANA: Hannibal Montana?
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ARCHER: What the--? Pam? !
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Goddammit, tell me you're not --
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Pam !
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Stop eating it, dammit !
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LANA: Pam?
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Archer?
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PAM: He's okay!
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He's okay don't come in here
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don't come in here he's okay!
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LANA: Oh shit.
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PAM: What,
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I said don't come in here!
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LANA: No, Leon!
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LANA: No, I'm honestly
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not judging you...
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PAM: Really, so this super-judgy
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feeling I'm feeling is just me
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feeling like you're super-judgy
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and that's me? !
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LANA: So, um, are you hearing
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your words?
286
00:07:21,433 --> 00:07:23,166
PAM: Are you shitting me?
287
00:07:23,168 --> 00:07:24,100
I can't hear anything over
288
00:07:24,102 --> 00:07:25,402
my har --
289
00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:29,005
tbeat, yerp,
290
00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:30,240
fired back up boop!
291
00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:32,108
LANA: It's just we're like,
292
00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:33,243
two days into this whole
293
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,277
drug cartel thing,
294
00:07:34,279 --> 00:07:35,245
and you're already
295
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:36,613
addicted to cocaine.
296
00:07:36,615 --> 00:07:39,549
PAM: Oh okay so I should
297
00:07:39,551 --> 00:07:40,583
take life advice from
298
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:45,288
an unwed mother? !
299
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:50,360
With a dirty car? !
300
00:07:55,032 --> 00:07:56,933
PAM: Is he dead?
301
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:58,768
LANA: No.
302
00:07:58,770 --> 00:07:59,736
PAM: He looks dead.
303
00:07:59,738 --> 00:08:01,137
LANA: He's not.
304
00:08:01,139 --> 00:08:02,138
PAM: I think he's dead.
305
00:08:02,140 --> 00:08:03,106
LANA: Pam?
306
00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:03,907
LATINO VOICE: Mis amigas,
307
00:08:03,909 --> 00:08:04,774
por favor!
308
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,642
ARCHER: Unghh...
309
00:08:05,644 --> 00:08:06,443
PAM: Is he a zombie?
310
00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,544
LANA: Pam!
311
00:08:07,546 --> 00:08:08,778
LATINO VOICE: Sterling?
312
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,647
Sterling can you hear me?
313
00:08:10,649 --> 00:08:11,314
ARCHER: Ramón? !
314
00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:12,649
RAMON: Sí, mi amigo,
315
00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:13,817
soy yo!
316
00:08:13,819 --> 00:08:14,551
LANA: Wh-?
317
00:08:14,553 --> 00:08:16,152
You two know each other? !
318
00:08:16,154 --> 00:08:18,121
ARCHER: Sh-shut your h-hole,
319
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:18,988
am I d-dying?
320
00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:20,924
RAMON: No, amigo, estas bien!
321
00:08:20,926 --> 00:08:21,758
ARCHER: But I'm s-so,
322
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,160
c-co -- oh.
323
00:08:24,162 --> 00:08:24,961
Um...
324
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:25,995
RAMON: She insisted.
325
00:08:25,997 --> 00:08:26,930
PAM: So we could unfreeze
326
00:08:26,932 --> 00:08:27,797
you in the future,
327
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:28,665
once medical science had
328
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:29,833
developed a cure for...
329
00:08:29,835 --> 00:08:30,733
headsmash.
330
00:08:30,735 --> 00:08:31,935
ARCHER: And you...
331
00:08:31,937 --> 00:08:32,902
LANA: Acquiesced.
332
00:08:32,904 --> 00:08:33,770
She's all...
333
00:08:33,772 --> 00:08:35,738
coke-strong.
334
00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:36,573
RAMON: So yes,
335
00:08:36,575 --> 00:08:37,807
I am your mother's contact.
336
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:38,942
After Fidel's hitmen try
337
00:08:38,944 --> 00:08:39,809
to kill me --
338
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,144
ARCHER: Ugh, Charles and Rudi,
339
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,278
those dicks.
340
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:42,846
I wonder what ever happened
341
00:08:42,848 --> 00:08:44,647
RAMON: Anyway! I go into hiding,
342
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,849
change my name,
343
00:08:45,851 --> 00:08:46,850
buy this business with some
344
00:08:46,852 --> 00:08:48,184
little money I borrow from Mamá,
345
00:08:48,186 --> 00:08:49,152
and --
346
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,453
ARCHER: Hey, how is your mother?
347
00:08:50,455 --> 00:08:52,121
RAMON: Pff, como siempre.
348
00:08:52,123 --> 00:08:53,456
Y la tuya?
349
00:08:53,458 --> 00:08:54,791
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re --
350
00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:55,859
[ BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! ]
351
00:08:55,861 --> 00:08:56,626
CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus!
352
00:08:56,628 --> 00:08:58,194
Alright already!
353
00:08:58,196 --> 00:08:59,662
MALORY: Thank you.
354
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,697
ARCHER: Como siempre.
355
00:09:00,699 --> 00:09:02,432
RAMON: So, she telephone me,
356
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:04,000
ask if I know some maybe people,
357
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,001
I say yes,
358
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,169
I know some maybe people,
359
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:07,437
and here we are.
360
00:09:07,439 --> 00:09:08,171
LANA: And, sorry,
361
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,172
you're getting out of this
362
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:09,939
maybe what?
363
00:09:09,941 --> 00:09:10,707
ARCHER: Lana!
364
00:09:10,709 --> 00:09:12,609
He's helping a dear friend!
365
00:09:12,611 --> 00:09:14,210
RAMON: Sí, claro.
366
00:09:14,212 --> 00:09:15,678
And also how you say,
367
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,380
a finder's fee?
368
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:18,648
Five thousand a kilo.
369
00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:19,649
ARCHER: Oh.
370
00:09:19,651 --> 00:09:20,884
RAMON: Because I want to buy
371
00:09:20,886 --> 00:09:22,018
that place...
372
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,520
EVERYBODY: [ Gasps ]
373
00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:24,854
RAMON: Nice, eh?
374
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:25,855
Is the best club in Miami.
375
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,557
ARCHER: Uh, duh!
376
00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:29,359
LANA: Archer, what're you --
377
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,326
ARCHER: Lana, we're gonna need
378
00:09:30,328 --> 00:09:31,160
an office in Miami,
379
00:09:31,162 --> 00:09:32,462
and that office is gonna need
380
00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:34,163
to be a red leather banquette!
381
00:09:34,165 --> 00:09:35,198
RAMON: Dios mío,
382
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,833
that would be increíble!
383
00:09:36,835 --> 00:09:39,002
You and me, together at last...
384
00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,003
LANA: Implying that you two
385
00:09:40,005 --> 00:09:41,971
haven't ever, cough,
386
00:09:41,973 --> 00:09:43,740
been together, or...?
387
00:09:43,742 --> 00:09:45,174
ARCHER: It was a mission, Lana!
388
00:09:45,176 --> 00:09:46,309
Ramón's Latino,
389
00:09:46,311 --> 00:09:47,210
so he's comfortable
390
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,378
expressing affection!
391
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,812
It doesn't make him gay!
392
00:09:49,814 --> 00:09:50,480
RAMON: Although I am.
393
00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:51,581
ARCHER: So go ahead, Lana,
394
00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:52,715
judge away!
395
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:53,583
PAM: Right?
396
00:09:53,585 --> 00:09:54,584
LANA: I -- Pam shut up,
397
00:09:54,586 --> 00:09:55,652
and Archer you know better,
398
00:09:55,654 --> 00:09:57,053
I don't care about that.
399
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,488
What I do care about are
400
00:09:58,490 --> 00:09:59,522
these buyers of yours, Ramón.
401
00:09:59,524 --> 00:10:00,823
Who are they?
402
00:10:00,825 --> 00:10:02,225
RAMON: Just some guys.
403
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,760
We'll go see them, they're cool,
404
00:10:03,762 --> 00:10:04,761
dun't worry about it.
405
00:10:04,763 --> 00:10:06,095
LANA: Kinda feel like I should.
406
00:10:06,097 --> 00:10:07,330
ARCHER: Lana, Ramón vouches
407
00:10:07,332 --> 00:10:09,198
for them, I vouch for him,
408
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,567
and you're embarrassing me!
409
00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:11,367
LANA: I am.
410
00:10:11,369 --> 00:10:14,904
PAM: Kachoooo!
411
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,606
LANA: That's flour, by the way.
412
00:10:16,608 --> 00:10:18,341
PAM: I know.
413
00:10:18,343 --> 00:10:19,075
CHERYL/CAROL: Don't you think
414
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,877
I know that? !
415
00:10:20,879 --> 00:10:22,278
I know it's bad,
416
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,947
I'm not ear-crippled!
417
00:10:23,949 --> 00:10:25,181
GILLETTE: Well,
418
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:26,416
then maybe being a c --
419
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:27,784
CHERYL/CAROL: Not a,
420
00:10:27,786 --> 00:10:29,018
the number one country music
421
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:30,286
singer in all of America,
422
00:10:30,288 --> 00:10:31,354
and some of Canada!
423
00:10:31,356 --> 00:10:32,922
what if maybe that goal's
424
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,591
not realistic?
425
00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:37,727
Or even unlaughable?
426
00:10:37,729 --> 00:10:40,096
CHERYL/CAROL: Get out!
427
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:40,897
ARCHER: Wait, seriously?
428
00:10:40,899 --> 00:10:41,564
RAMON: Yes,
429
00:10:41,566 --> 00:10:42,532
they were very clear,
430
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:43,366
no guns.
431
00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:44,033
ARCHER: But --
432
00:10:44,035 --> 00:10:45,101
RAMON: I gave mi palabra.
433
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,069
ARCHER: Right, sorry, I --
434
00:10:46,071 --> 00:10:46,936
LANA: Archer.
435
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:47,470
ARCHER: Lana he gave
436
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,806
his palabra!
437
00:10:49,808 --> 00:10:50,607
LANA: If anything goes wrong
438
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,642
I'm holding you responsible.
439
00:10:52,644 --> 00:10:59,082
ARCHER: Yeah, that'll teach me.
440
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:00,083
CYRIL: Tough day, huh?
441
00:11:00,085 --> 00:11:00,984
GILLETTE: The high point
442
00:11:00,986 --> 00:11:02,218
was getting shot at.
443
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:03,586
CYRIL: It's so weird, I mean,
444
00:11:03,588 --> 00:11:04,754
she's a billionaire,
445
00:11:04,756 --> 00:11:05,955
she could be anything,
446
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:06,990
a world traveler,
447
00:11:06,992 --> 00:11:07,924
an art collector...
448
00:11:07,926 --> 00:11:08,725
GILLETTE: A transatlantic
449
00:11:08,727 --> 00:11:10,259
goddamn balloonist!
450
00:11:10,261 --> 00:11:11,794
CYRIL: So, why does she want
451
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,730
to be a country singer so badly?
452
00:11:13,732 --> 00:11:15,331
Besides being clinically insane.
453
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:16,466
GILLETTE: Yeah.
454
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:20,303
Here's to the crazy ones.
455
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:24,641
CYRIL: Um...
456
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:25,642
RAMON: Ugh, díos mio,
457
00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,643
that stinks!
458
00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:29,178
PAM: It's not that bad!
459
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:32,782
I mean it's not great, but...
460
00:11:32,784 --> 00:11:34,283
This is still some primo shit.
461
00:11:34,285 --> 00:11:35,618
ARCHER: Pam! Quit eating
462
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,286
all the goddamn cocaine!
463
00:11:37,288 --> 00:11:37,920
CHARLES: Yeah,
464
00:11:37,922 --> 00:11:39,989
save some for us, bitches!
465
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,357
ARCHER: Charles and Rudi? !
466
00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:42,659
LANA: Wait, the hitmen? !
467
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,260
RAMON: Tranquilo, tranquilo!
468
00:11:44,262 --> 00:11:45,161
It's okay!
469
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:45,828
CHARLES: Yeah,
470
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:46,629
we're like BFF's now.
471
00:11:46,631 --> 00:11:47,263
ARCHER: What? !
472
00:11:47,265 --> 00:11:48,097
RAMON: Well...
473
00:11:48,099 --> 00:11:50,133
here's your fondue set, and...
474
00:11:50,135 --> 00:11:51,634
was there only one blue fork?
475
00:11:51,636 --> 00:11:52,602
ARCHER: What the hell? !
476
00:11:52,604 --> 00:11:53,770
CHARLES: And how is
477
00:11:53,772 --> 00:11:54,537
that tone necessary?
478
00:11:54,539 --> 00:11:55,538
RUDI: Thank you.
479
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:56,372
CHARLES: It's a fork.
480
00:11:56,374 --> 00:11:57,306
RAMON: And there were two
481
00:11:57,308 --> 00:11:58,641
of each color and you know this
482
00:11:58,643 --> 00:11:59,942
as well as me because we stood
483
00:11:59,944 --> 00:12:01,678
in my kitchen and counted.
484
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,146
CHARLES: Well then I apologize,
485
00:12:03,148 --> 00:12:04,013
and I'll be happy
486
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,381
to throw in another...
487
00:12:05,383 --> 00:12:07,116
five dollars?
488
00:12:07,118 --> 00:12:07,850
RAMON: Eighty dollars.
489
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:08,885
CHARLES: For a fork? !
490
00:12:08,887 --> 00:12:10,353
RAMON: You can't buy only one
491
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,821
you have to buy the whole set!
492
00:12:11,823 --> 00:12:13,222
CHARLES: Oh, that is such --
493
00:12:13,224 --> 00:12:15,058
okay okay, ya know what?
494
00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:15,892
Fine.
495
00:12:15,894 --> 00:12:16,726
We'll call it one million
496
00:12:16,728 --> 00:12:17,994
and eighty dollars!
497
00:12:17,996 --> 00:12:18,561
RAMON: Well, there is a small
498
00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:20,296
problem there.
499
00:12:20,298 --> 00:12:21,364
CHARLES: What, we agreed
500
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:22,231
on fifty grand a kilo!
501
00:12:22,233 --> 00:12:23,700
LANA: I think we're probably
502
00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,400
a little closer to
503
00:12:24,402 --> 00:12:26,402
nineteen and a half?
504
00:12:26,404 --> 00:12:27,503
CHARLES: Okay, couple Q's,
505
00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:28,471
I'd love some A's.
506
00:12:28,473 --> 00:12:29,839
One, what the hell
507
00:12:29,841 --> 00:12:30,807
is that thing?
508
00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,341
ARCHER: We made a body cast
509
00:12:32,343 --> 00:12:33,209
out of the coke.
510
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:33,976
RAMON: But I tested it,
511
00:12:33,978 --> 00:12:35,211
it's very pure.
512
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:36,379
CHARLES: Mmkay, two,
513
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,047
how can you eat a pound of
514
00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,048
cocaine and not be dead?
515
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:39,982
PAM: I've actually
516
00:12:39,984 --> 00:12:42,251
never felt better!
517
00:12:42,253 --> 00:12:43,219
I hope that lasts.
518
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:43,920
CHARLES: I'm sure it will,
519
00:12:43,922 --> 00:12:45,021
okay here's the dilly
520
00:12:45,023 --> 00:12:45,888
and the sweets.
521
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,156
We're gonna round that down
522
00:12:47,158 --> 00:12:48,057
to nineteen kilos even,
523
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:48,991
so I'll just take back
524
00:12:48,993 --> 00:12:49,592
fifty grand...
525
00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:50,359
ARCHER: Way to go, Pam.
526
00:12:50,361 --> 00:12:51,027
CHARLES: And since the coke's
527
00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:51,894
in the shape of
528
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:52,729
a Poppin' Fresh costume,
529
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:53,663
and taintsweaty,
530
00:12:53,665 --> 00:12:55,098
I'm taking off another fifty...
531
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:55,698
ARCHER: The hell you are!
532
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:56,432
CHARLES: Can I finish?
533
00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:57,834
Can I finish?
534
00:12:57,836 --> 00:12:58,868
Since Ramón gave his word
535
00:12:58,870 --> 00:12:59,602
that you people
536
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:00,603
wouldn't bring any guns...
537
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:01,704
ARCHER: We didn't,
538
00:13:01,706 --> 00:13:03,172
not even my underwear gun.
539
00:13:03,174 --> 00:13:04,674
RAMON: I gave mi palabra.
540
00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:05,908
CHARLES: Well that's just
541
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:06,509
terrific.
542
00:13:06,511 --> 00:13:09,078
Because...
543
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,379
we're gonna go ahead and take
544
00:13:10,381 --> 00:13:12,248
the cocaine and the money.
545
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,549
ARCHER: Goddammit.
546
00:13:13,551 --> 00:13:15,051
LANA: And so, right about here
547
00:13:15,053 --> 00:13:16,052
is the part where I hold
548
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:17,887
you responsible.
549
00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:19,956
ARCHER: Oh my God the burden.
550
00:13:19,958 --> 00:13:21,124
you take the fondue set
551
00:13:21,126 --> 00:13:22,425
CHARLES: Can I finish? !
552
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:23,392
And I'll take the fondue set.
553
00:13:23,394 --> 00:13:24,093
Because you were a total
554
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,062
b-hole about the fork.
555
00:13:26,064 --> 00:13:29,198
It's not even real Le Creuset!
556
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,399
LANA: Ugh!
557
00:13:30,401 --> 00:13:31,300
RAMON: Right?
558
00:13:31,302 --> 00:13:31,768
Of course it is real.
559
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,070
the outlet store doesn't mean --
560
00:13:34,072 --> 00:13:34,771
ARCHER: Ramón!
561
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:35,571
RAMON: What?
562
00:13:35,573 --> 00:13:38,574
Sterling, are you angry with me?
563
00:13:38,576 --> 00:13:39,642
Wait, you don't think this is
564
00:13:39,644 --> 00:13:44,013
my fault? !
565
00:13:48,085 --> 00:13:49,452
RAMON: Sterling, please!
566
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,820
This is loco!
567
00:13:50,822 --> 00:13:51,888
ARCHER: No, Ramón,
568
00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:53,122
getting my stolen money back
569
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:55,558
isn't loco, it's --
570
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,292
Wait, what's the word
571
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,326
for rational?
572
00:13:57,328 --> 00:13:58,327
RAMON: Racional.
573
00:13:58,329 --> 00:13:59,162
ARCHER: Goddammit.
574
00:13:59,164 --> 00:14:00,296
LANA: What was loco
575
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,998
was trusting you!
576
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,966
RAMON: How can you say that? !
577
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,768
ARCHER: To Ramón, Of all people!
578
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:06,669
LANA: Look, I don't know
579
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:08,004
what kind of "history"
580
00:14:08,006 --> 00:14:09,105
you two have together, but --
581
00:14:09,107 --> 00:14:10,006
ARCHER: History? !
582
00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:11,307
What're you trying to --
583
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,842
that's crazy,
584
00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,310
we didn't even kiss!
585
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,779
PAM: Zip!
586
00:14:16,781 --> 00:14:17,747
ARCHER: Do you even hear
587
00:14:17,749 --> 00:14:19,148
how crazy you sound?
588
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:19,949
LANA: Do you? !
589
00:14:19,951 --> 00:14:22,151
ARCHER: I dunno, yes, shut up.
590
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,152
Ramón, I'm sorry but this whole
591
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,021
thing is kinda your fault,
592
00:14:25,023 --> 00:14:25,988
so you're taking us to
593
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,156
wherever Charles and Rudi
594
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,491
are having a money fight
595
00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:31,627
with our million bucks.
596
00:14:31,629 --> 00:14:33,162
RAMON: A million and eighty.
597
00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,198
ARCHER: Alright, uno rampageeo!
598
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:35,965
Okay, Lana,
599
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:37,266
LANA: Votes we cut our
600
00:14:37,268 --> 00:14:38,367
losses and go home.
601
00:14:38,369 --> 00:14:39,502
While reminding you,
602
00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,304
seemingly unnecessarily,
603
00:14:41,306 --> 00:14:42,872
that she is pregnant.
604
00:14:42,874 --> 00:14:43,840
ARCHER: Oh my God,
605
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:44,774
how long are you gonna use that
606
00:14:44,776 --> 00:14:46,008
for an excuse?
607
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:46,943
LANA: Probably at least
608
00:14:46,945 --> 00:14:48,110
through childbirth.
609
00:14:48,112 --> 00:14:52,949
ARCHER: Oh, you were serious?
610
00:14:52,951 --> 00:14:54,650
MALORY: Alright, I'm going home,
611
00:14:54,652 --> 00:14:55,852
but --
612
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,019
What's her problem?
613
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,788
CYRIL: Scotch.
614
00:14:58,790 --> 00:15:00,523
And also maybe
615
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,991
post-traumatic stress disorder,
616
00:15:01,993 --> 00:15:02,992
from listening to --
617
00:15:02,994 --> 00:15:03,826
CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles
618
00:15:03,828 --> 00:15:04,961
of mountain road...
619
00:15:04,963 --> 00:15:07,663
MALORY: Carol?
620
00:15:07,665 --> 00:15:08,664
KRIEGER: Yep yep yep!
621
00:15:08,666 --> 00:15:09,832
MALORY: But...
622
00:15:09,834 --> 00:15:10,833
how is that possible?
623
00:15:10,835 --> 00:15:11,534
KRIEGER: I've got the whole
624
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:12,368
house wired up.
625
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:15,204
Bedrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms,
626
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,340
other bathrooms,
627
00:15:17,342 --> 00:15:19,876
the swimming pool...
628
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,377
MALORY: I meant! Ass!
629
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:22,211
KRIEGER: Ow!
630
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,980
MALORY: How is she singing so...
631
00:15:23,982 --> 00:15:25,014
well?
632
00:15:25,016 --> 00:15:25,882
KRIEGER: Probably because
633
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:26,549
she doesn't know anyone's
634
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:27,550
watching.
635
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:28,251
You'd be amazed
636
00:15:28,253 --> 00:15:29,051
what you people do
637
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,153
when you think you're alone.
638
00:15:31,155 --> 00:15:32,188
Cyril.
639
00:15:32,190 --> 00:15:34,257
Dammit Krieger, you -- ow!
640
00:15:34,259 --> 00:15:35,324
MALORY: Turn it up!
641
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:36,325
CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles
642
00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:36,893
of Gerogia clay...
643
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:37,927
ARCHER: Oh my God.
644
00:15:37,929 --> 00:15:38,895
This is exactly
645
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:40,429
how I pictured their house.
646
00:15:40,431 --> 00:15:41,230
RAMON: Oh, wait until you see
647
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,332
inside, díos mio,
648
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,368
they just redid the kitchen.
649
00:15:45,370 --> 00:15:46,068
LANA: Ahem.
650
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:46,936
ARCHER: What,
651
00:15:46,938 --> 00:15:48,905
just because you have no taste.
652
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:49,705
LANA: Or patience,
653
00:15:49,707 --> 00:15:50,573
so if you could hurry up
654
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,540
and get our money --
655
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:52,241
PAM: And cocaine and cocaine
656
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,276
get the cocai --
657
00:15:53,278 --> 00:15:57,213
[ BLOOP. ]
658
00:15:57,215 --> 00:15:58,014
PAM: Oh my God Lana, Lana,
659
00:15:58,016 --> 00:15:59,081
you know what I could
660
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:01,017
totally go for right now? !
661
00:16:01,019 --> 00:16:02,018
LANA: Some cocaine?
662
00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:02,718
PAM: Right? !
663
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,587
PAM: Popety, pop pop pop, pow.
664
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,589
RAMON: Did I tell you?
665
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:08,858
Here, give me your gun.
666
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:09,792
Now push that button,
667
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:12,862
right there.
668
00:16:12,864 --> 00:16:13,562
ARCHER: This is the
669
00:16:13,564 --> 00:16:15,231
best kitchen ever!
670
00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:17,099
CHARLES: Aww mercy, thank you...
671
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,067
Ya know, if we could go back in
672
00:16:18,069 --> 00:16:18,734
time there's a few things
673
00:16:18,736 --> 00:16:19,635
we'd change...
674
00:16:19,637 --> 00:16:20,403
ARCHER: Goddammit...
675
00:16:20,405 --> 00:16:21,103
CHARLES: But overall
676
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:21,771
we're pretty happy.
677
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:22,738
Even though it's gonna be a
678
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:24,540
bitch to scrub your brains
679
00:16:24,542 --> 00:16:25,408
out of the grout.
680
00:16:25,410 --> 00:16:27,076
RAMON: Charles, por favor!
681
00:16:27,078 --> 00:16:28,110
You have your cocaine,
682
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,378
just give them their money!
683
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:30,613
CHARLES: Oh okay sure,
684
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,081
we've got it right here.
685
00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:33,449
ARCHER: Oh! Great, yes,
686
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,418
and we've got about a five hour
687
00:16:35,420 --> 00:16:37,586
flight home, with Pam...
688
00:16:37,588 --> 00:16:40,756
PAM: Poppety pop pop, cocaine.
689
00:16:40,758 --> 00:16:42,124
ARCHER: So can you
690
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:43,125
throw in a pound of coke?
691
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,327
CHARLES: Can I? !
692
00:16:44,329 --> 00:16:45,828
I only totally insist!
693
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:46,829
ARCHER: Oh. So,
694
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:48,097
you're being facetious.
695
00:16:48,099 --> 00:16:51,100
CHARLES: Extra-eemly, yes.
696
00:16:51,102 --> 00:16:52,335
A, the coke is gone...
697
00:16:52,337 --> 00:16:53,135
RAMON: What? !
698
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:53,803
What do you mean, gone? !
699
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:54,770
CHARLES: Not gone gone,
700
00:16:54,772 --> 00:16:55,805
you-know-who has it --
701
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,073
ARCHER: Wh-? ! Ramón? !
702
00:16:57,075 --> 00:16:58,074
Who is you-know-who? !
703
00:16:58,076 --> 00:16:59,608
RAMON: I, uh --
704
00:16:59,610 --> 00:17:00,743
CHARLES: You still get your cut,
705
00:17:00,745 --> 00:17:01,911
'cuz you-know who says good
706
00:17:01,913 --> 00:17:03,145
job on you-know-what!
707
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:04,080
ARCHER: What? !
708
00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:05,848
RAMON: Por qué no te callas? !
709
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:08,985
ARCHER: Ramón!
710
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:14,123
[ GUNFIRE ]
711
00:17:14,125 --> 00:17:15,458
ARCHER: Ramón!
712
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:16,993
RAMON: Sterling...
713
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,294
díos mio,
714
00:17:18,296 --> 00:17:20,663
I'm... sorry.
715
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,131
LANA: Sorry baby
716
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:24,500
sorry baby sorry baby...
717
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:28,537
PAM: Lanaaa! get cocaaaaaaine!
718
00:17:28,539 --> 00:17:29,705
RAMON: Oh, Sterling,
719
00:17:29,707 --> 00:17:31,774
I'm s-so c-cold...
720
00:17:31,776 --> 00:17:33,275
ARCHER: What, like hearted?
721
00:17:33,277 --> 00:17:34,276
Ramón, what the hell,
722
00:17:34,278 --> 00:17:35,845
was this all a scam, or --
723
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:36,879
RAMON: No, I swear,
724
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:39,648
is just muy complicado.
725
00:17:39,650 --> 00:17:40,983
Sorry,
726
00:17:40,985 --> 00:17:42,651
I cannot explain right now.
727
00:17:42,653 --> 00:17:43,486
ARCHER: Oh really? !
728
00:17:43,488 --> 00:17:46,155
Why, because you're --
729
00:17:46,157 --> 00:17:48,691
Dying, right, sorry.
730
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:49,859
RAMON: Take the money,
731
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,660
God knows you've earned it.
732
00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:52,728
All I ask,
733
00:17:52,730 --> 00:17:57,233
is one small favor...
734
00:17:57,235 --> 00:17:58,734
Before I die.
735
00:17:58,736 --> 00:18:00,569
ARCHER: Yes, Ramón,
736
00:18:00,571 --> 00:18:02,038
I'll do anything!
737
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,205
LANA: You name it kid,
738
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,306
savings bond, a puppy,
739
00:18:04,308 --> 00:18:05,207
breastfeed you senseless...
740
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,709
just forgive me
741
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:09,045
for what's about to happen.
742
00:18:15,318 --> 00:18:20,022
LANA: So, um, quick question...
743
00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:20,923
MALORY: Why the hell
744
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:22,191
were you kissing him? !
745
00:18:22,193 --> 00:18:22,892
LANA: With what appeared
746
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:23,559
to be tongue...
747
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:24,360
ARCHER: Because, I --
748
00:18:24,362 --> 00:18:27,196
it was muy complicado Lana!
749
00:18:27,198 --> 00:18:28,097
And the last wish
750
00:18:28,099 --> 00:18:29,532
of a dying man!
751
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:30,566
LANA: Who you had a crush on.
752
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,068
ARCHER: I -- no, I --
753
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:33,869
go smoke some menthols!
754
00:18:33,871 --> 00:18:34,703
MALORY: Alright, Sterling,
755
00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:35,871
calm down.
756
00:18:35,873 --> 00:18:37,706
My God, it's not as if I care.
757
00:18:37,708 --> 00:18:38,407
As long --
758
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,241
ARCHER: As long as I brought
759
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,076
back the money!
760
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:40,676
Is that what you were
761
00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:41,210
going to say? !
762
00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:42,244
MALORY: Yes.
763
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,212
And I don't have time for this,
764
00:18:43,214 --> 00:18:44,447
I have a country music star
765
00:18:44,449 --> 00:18:45,748
to manage.
766
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:46,882
CHERYL/CAROL: Says you!
767
00:18:46,884 --> 00:18:47,883
MALORY: Says your contract,
768
00:18:47,885 --> 00:18:48,617
missy!
769
00:18:48,619 --> 00:18:49,552
Read it!
770
00:18:49,554 --> 00:18:52,354
CHERYL/CAROL: You read it!
771
00:18:52,356 --> 00:18:54,890
Goddammit.
772
00:18:54,892 --> 00:18:55,691
CYRIL: And, I'm sorry,
773
00:18:55,693 --> 00:18:57,927
the money is where, exactly?
774
00:18:57,929 --> 00:18:58,761
ARCHER: Uh, in your
775
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:00,396
masturbators, you idiot.
776
00:19:00,398 --> 00:19:02,098
CYRIL: Oh, I'm the idiot?
777
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,265
ARCHER: I mean, historically...
778
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,100
CYRIL: Well I'm not the one
779
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,401
who sold twenty kilos of coke
780
00:19:05,403 --> 00:19:07,303
for... Monopoly money!
781
00:19:07,305 --> 00:19:08,871
EVERYBODY: Huh? What?
782
00:19:08,873 --> 00:19:09,972
CYRIL: It's counterfeit!
783
00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:11,707
Every last bill!
784
00:19:11,709 --> 00:19:13,909
MALORY: Son of a...!
785
00:19:13,911 --> 00:19:15,578
Sterling, you fool,
786
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:16,779
was this was all just a huge
787
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:17,446
set up!
788
00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:18,314
ARCHER: For what mother,
789
00:19:18,316 --> 00:19:19,315
a funeral? !
790
00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:20,983
They're all dead!
791
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,418
LANA: Yeah, but...
792
00:19:22,420 --> 00:19:24,253
are they?
793
00:19:24,255 --> 00:19:25,054
LANA: We got out of there
794
00:19:25,056 --> 00:19:27,089
in a hurry...
795
00:19:27,091 --> 00:19:28,457
ARCHER: Ramóoooon!
796
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:31,127
LANA: Will you come on? !
797
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,828
ARCHER: But the gunshots...
798
00:19:32,830 --> 00:19:34,597
all the blood.
799
00:19:34,599 --> 00:19:36,799
LANA: Blood packs and blanks.
800
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,167
ARCHER: Even Ramón?
801
00:19:38,169 --> 00:19:40,302
LANA: Especially Ramón.
802
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,303
I bet the whole thing
803
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:42,805
was his idea.
804
00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:43,806
ARCHER: Aha!
805
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:44,840
You're forgetting a key
806
00:19:44,842 --> 00:19:46,242
piece of the puzzle, Lana!
807
00:19:46,244 --> 00:19:47,676
They'd already stolen our coke,
808
00:19:47,678 --> 00:19:49,411
and they had the money!
809
00:19:49,413 --> 00:19:50,279
Why go to the trouble
810
00:19:50,281 --> 00:19:52,982
of a fake shootout? !
811
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,250
CHARLES: See what I'm saying?
812
00:19:54,252 --> 00:19:55,284
RAMON: But this way,
813
00:19:55,286 --> 00:19:56,485
we have twenty kilos of pure,
814
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:58,787
uncut, Colombian cocaine.
815
00:19:58,789 --> 00:19:59,588
CHARLES: Holy shit, yes!
816
00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:01,490
Which we had already stolen,
817
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:02,925
so we still would've had it!
818
00:20:02,927 --> 00:20:03,926
Plus the counterfeit
819
00:20:03,928 --> 00:20:04,760
million dollars,
820
00:20:04,762 --> 00:20:05,995
which now we don't have!
821
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:06,629
RAMON: Ohhhhh...
822
00:20:06,631 --> 00:20:07,363
CHARLES: Like, fifty times
823
00:20:07,365 --> 00:20:08,964
I tried to explain this!
824
00:20:08,966 --> 00:20:09,965
RAMON: I see now,
825
00:20:09,967 --> 00:20:11,200
what you were saying.
826
00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:12,134
CHARLES: Ta-daaaaa!
827
00:20:12,136 --> 00:20:13,169
Jesus, it's like trying to
828
00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:15,638
explain particle physics to...
829
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,272
a particle.
830
00:20:16,274 --> 00:20:17,640
RAMON: Aha! But this way,
831
00:20:17,642 --> 00:20:19,108
my way, Archer thinks
832
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:20,109
we are dead,
833
00:20:20,111 --> 00:20:22,011
so he will never think to come
834
00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:25,447
looking for us again!
835
00:20:25,449 --> 00:20:27,883
CHARLES: It was still a stupid,
836
00:20:27,885 --> 00:20:32,688
stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,
837
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:35,591
stupid, stupid, stupid plan.
51018
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