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THE HUNDRED AND ONE NIGHTS
OF SIMON CINEMA

I can see, I can hear

and I'm in my 100th year!

Are you sure this is good
for the memory?

That's what they say,
even doctors.

- What's going on?
- There's a movie shooting.

Movie, my ass!
I have a job, too.

Just a second!

We stopped shooting.

It's rolling, Mica!

Stop the traffic.

There is none.

- This is the chateau...
...Of the 100 and 1 Nights.

- Episode One:
- Monsieur Cinema.

First slate.

So you're the film expert.

But you're a student!

I'm doing an M.A., which means
I already have my B.A.

Is this old Mr. Cinema a nice man?

What is this, a circus?

You will see for yourself.
He's my master.

A respectable man.

These movie mementos are impressive!

He's done it all:
Act, direct, produce...

He's a giant.

Know what I have to do, exactly?

You must speak to him
an hour or two daily.

Or rather, nightly.
Movie lore relaxes him.

You will receive $ 100 a session.

Saturday is pay day,

Sunday is a day off.

Are you his secretary?

His polymorphous, polyvalent butler.

As long as you're polite.
Will you show me in?

The Master doesn't care
for young ladies in trousers.

Is your hair long or short?

- Long.
- Very well.

Introducing Camille Miralis,

your future film buff tutor.

Come in, young lady.

It was a joke.
The makeup was to frighten you.

You'll do fine.
We'll notify you by mail.

Mr. Cinema hereby hires you
for 101 nights at $ 100 a session...

101 times $ 100!
An offer I can't refuse!

I'll get used to his mug.

The work we offer you...

... is also a mission:

To keep alive
the human symbol of cinema.

He thinks he's hot shit!

What about you, megaproducer!

That's different, I've got time.
You're in for it!

Look at Granny. She's 92.
Always driveling and repeating herself.

I'm taking it.
$ 10,000 for three months!

It's all here:

The chateau is half a mile
from the station...

That I know, I walked it.
What should I take?

Go the way you are.
Old-timers just like to ogle...

To babble on,

and ogle.

Move it, if you want a lift!
I have a night shoot.

The suburban line
will do just fine.

Movement is life, movement is cinema!

Some camera movements
epitomize the cinema.

Like the opening
of La Soif du Mal...

One single complex movement from
when the bomb is set to its explosion.

Touch of Evil.
Original titles only,

- if you please!
- Sorry!

A sublime shot that lasts three minutes

and contains the entire film.
Welles was a genius,

a genius!

That's what they always say,
because he started so young.

Your drops, Sir.

Still, Citizen Kane for a first movie...
That's tops, super, cool!

Is that how young people talk today?

I'm so old. What did we use to say?

"Dazzling"? "Magnificent"?
And I forget what...

I was told you're only 100,
or almost.

Your memory seems in great shape.

Wrong, my dear Camille.

May I call you Camille?

Wrong.

A) I have memories
but I can't remember them.

As if I couldn't catch flies.

B) It's not a matter of age,
but of memory.

I hired you to talk to me about film,
my favorite passion.

C) I've lost the use of my legs.
I must keep my head busy,

travel without moving.

And d)

I need your beauty

to serve as my daily ray of sunshine,

and I need your knowledge.

You shall be my evening amphetamine.

Mr. Cinema!

Mr. Firmin!

Nim, pillows!

Mr. Cinema, don't get carried away!

I hope I'll be helpful
in your fly hunt.

Say, do you know the movie

Yoko Ono did with a close-up
of a fly on a breast?

Marvelous! Thanks for reminding me.

The change of scale is film magic.

The tiny woman in the hand
of King Kong...

Fay Wray, that's right.

I loved that woman madly.

I laid my power at her feet...
My wealth,

my madness!

I wanted to marry her.

That was when I managed

the studios of MGM.

I'm the one who invented King Kong.

I thought it was David O. Selznick
who produced it for RKO...

That's right. I'm David O. Selznick.

Weren't you Hitchcock?

I'm Renoir, I'm Nosferatu,
I'm Catherine Deneuve...

And now, I'm David O. Selznick.

I created

three or four dream creatures
who became tremendous stars.

My head's full of stars.
Faces, beauties...

Miss Ardant,
they're waiting for you on the set.

Why didn't you knock?

Are you new here?

I'm an intern.

- I forgot my shawl.
- I'll get it!

Beauty shall be convulsive or nothing.

If only you'd worn

very high pointed heels

I could have drunk champagne
out of your shoes.

Say, Bob, don't you have to buy
ball bearings in Billancourt?

Got the message, I'm off.

What an obstacle course!
It's even more of a dump than usual.

This isn't a movie studio,
it's a flea market.

Leftovers from a shoot.

We kept everything.
It might come in handy.

You've prepared everything!

We'd have had time at my place.
Mylene comes home at 5.

A quickie, right?
I'm in no hurry.

- Seeing someone later?
- Of course not.

But quickies

can be fun, too!

I always think
you'd rather be elsewhere.

Don't be a jerk, Mica.

Let's go upstairs.

How about it, sugar?

Immediate boarding by the ramp!

Got the safes?

These are worth two weeks' pay
and I don't even know the maker!

Get Camille to buy you a pair.

You're just jealous! You think I earn
too much for what I do.

Right on sight!
And me, not enough, hot stuff.

- Hi, gang!
- Hi, Sylvie!

Assistant-intern... Why not gofer-lackey?
Never on the set and rotten pay...

I was an intern, too.
Serving coffee, holding cables.

Gotta go. Nosferatu awaits me.

Is he a sicko or what?

It's okay now. He's just real old
and a bit batty. But he has style!

The Lumiere brothers!

Ah, Mr. Marcello Mastroianni,
what a pleasure!

I like calling on my friend.
That way everyone's happy.

How is the old man?

Long live Commedia dell'arte!

Meet the famous, enlightening
Lumiere brothers.

My friends Auguste and Louis,
this is Vittorio Gassman.

It's Marcello, ninny!
If you go gaga, I'm leaving.

Just teasing!
You didn't fall for it, you flew for it,

like that belle who made you
run, fly and crawl...

Which belle?
I've skipped from belle to belle.

Show-off!
You had some real dogs, too!

Like Simonetta
with those boot-button eyes,

and that slow-witted Irina,

whom you kept like a spare tire.

For someone who's senile,

you have a convenient memory.

Actually, I'm in treatment.

Ayoung beauty
is having my memory do aerobics.

- What's all this?
- It works!

That was my great idea:

The old goat gets himself a nanny.
A student.

A student?

She's always at the Cin�matheque
or the Museum.

Speaking of Muses...

Good evening, dear Camille.

'Evening, Mr. Marcello Mastroianni.

I'm so glad to meet you.

Me, too. He was just talking about you.

He knows I saw all his films?

Does he know I saw all his films?

That's enough! Get me out of here!

Ah, the harem bath in 81/2!

A thief! That Fellini was a thief!

That was me in the bath
wearing a hat and even smoking a cigar.

I like you better
without the hat and cigar.

It's to be like Dean Martin

in Some Came Running.

Did you see Godard's Contempt?

Well, I'm Piccoli.

I was the one in the movie with Bardot.

I was imitating Dean Martin.

No, Godard was imitating Fellini.

I was the one the producer wanted
in the role. Piccoli copied me.

Look, you're the one who duped me.

Anyway, I was Jean-Luc.

I'm drowning here. Who is who?

This reminds me of a Pr�vert poem:
Actors aren't people.

They're at once everyone
and no one.

Thank you.

She's spunky. I like that.

She's a film buff. I like that.

As for the two scenes in question,

you're right and wrong. Both were shot
in Rome in the summer of'63.

When Godard shot you in the bath,

it was in July, in a flat in Rome.

When Fellini filmed you in the baths,
it was in September, at Cinecitta.

Let's not lose the focus.
Focus on me, instead.

You deserve your degree, Miss.

Shall I call you
Diplomata or Dottore?

Please call me Camille.

I'm doing a thesis.
You're a big part of it.

It's about the myth of the seducer.

I'm just a moth-eaten seducer,

a tired hero,
an over-the-limit Latin lover.

That's not true!

- I saw you in Verso Serra.
- In the evening...

That reminds me, Mr. Cinema...

It has to do with these 101 nights...

Can I come during the day...
From 5 to 7?

Of course.

The magic hour for lovers.

Don't worry. You're safe with him.

But with me...
The Latin Lover may still strike.

Not him!

I'm the one she asked for the 5 to 7.
The answer is yes.

It's his come-on.

I'm an old Latin Lover.

That way they'll say:
Oh no, you're still magnificent!

Me, me, me!
I'm happy just to hear:

Bravo, thanks. Grazie. That's all.

You want sophisticated compliments.

Mr. Cinema deserves them.
He embodies all cinema.

He's a consummate man.

Oh, Mr. Cinema, you're terrific!

You'll drive me crazy!
What movie is this?

An entertaining one.

A divertimento.

The slate, boy!

Slate!

End of Episode One.

Episode Two.

A Million, the Wind,
Love and Death...

- The format doesn't matter to me.
- But my having talent does!

Just another guy trying
to impress his old lady.

Who's an old lady?!

The problem is shooting a demo reel

- to find a million.
- Clair's Million!

- Attaboy, Gaston!
- A million! A million!

Then find me
a winning lottery ticket!

I'd film the gangland killing first.

- Got a cast?
- We're the cast.

Bob, you'll play a drag queen.

Not me! I play me, or Groucho!

- Don't imitate. Create!
- A new wind.

After the New Wave,
the New Breeze.

You're creating a draft.
Who said that?

I know. I'm an Arletty fan.

Garance... I desire you, that's all.
But I have my pride.

Your head is too hot, Pierre-Fran�ois,
and your heart too cold.

I'm sensitive to drafts.

Ah, The Children of Paradise!

I dare you to repeat
my heart's too cold.

I dare you to deny
you desire me.

I won't deny or decry it.

Let's keep it vague.

Shall we go?

- You weren't at Mr. Cinema's?
- I work days now.

Now it's 1001 afternoons.

101... If I keep him alive that long,
I get a bonus.

A bonus, too! What a great boss!

I have an idea: I could film him.

In close-up.
Set it up for me.

Don't run like that, Miss.
You could hurt yourself.

I like to run and I'm late.

The station's a way off.
Want to borrow a bike?

- That'd be nice.
- I have two...

Mrs. Simone's old one, and Monsieur
Vincent Jr.'s. He's on the run too.

- Who is?
- The great-grandson.

He goes jogging?

Haven't seen him
in a long, long while.

You the storyteller?

- In a hurry?
- I hate being late.

As long as you come, he's happy.

- But he has other visitors.
- Of course. Colleagues.

But not his great-grandson?

Who told you about him?

Friends who know him... Knew him...

People.

I never saw him.
He may come when I sleep.

The Master gets very little sleep.
He says he sees ghosts.

The Lumiere brothers! He told me.

They drop by from time to time.

It's me.

Excuse me. I'm eating.

I was afraid you wouldn't show.

I was down in the dumps.
I was afraid

night would fall
and melancholy with it.

Come now... Who and what
do we talk about today?

Renoir? The Popular Front years?

No, I was thinking of the fellow
with the big eyes.

Buster Keaton?

Keaton, not today.

Bunuel. That eye slashed in two.

Bunuel is the standard.

He was my friend.
We were the same age.

We belonged to the same
Surrealist group

with a naked woman in the center.

And we closed our eyes.

You're too far. Come sit here.

Show me some pictures.

Look at this one...

Louise Brooks. She's beautiful.

She started when she was 15.

She wasn't much of a talker.
She used to read Schopenhauer.

I was Pabst.
I thought of playing the role,

a whip in one hand,

a revolver in the other!

I haven't introduced myself.

Always the first. At your service.

I'm a magician!

I had such magnetism,

that compass needles went wild
and clock hands stopped dead.

I never wear a watch.

Time is on my side
and I have no home.

I was always on the big side.
So was Falstaff.

Citizen Hearst was a big press baron.

When I made Citizen Kane in '34,
I was 23,

and Lulu was singing and dancing
in a nightclub.

My dear sir, that was in '41
and Welles was 25.

And the woman in the nightclub
was Susan Alexander.

You know what Cocteau said
about you...

About Welles:

Orson Welles is a baby-faced giant,

a tree full of shade and birds,

a dog that has broken its chain
to go sleep in a flowerbed.

I'd like to be a big dog
in a woman's bed.

It's to make my extravagant mistress
Lea Padovani happy

that I sleep in satin sheets.

She writes me love notes
on the mirrors.

She loves lace and rosy-pink satin.

And you're a rose bud,
my dear Rosebud.

Perhaps you forgot or didn't know
Rosebud was the pet name

Hearst used for the private parts
of his mistress, Marion Davies.

So, please, don't call me Rosebud.

There are three vile,
unbearable things in life:

Cold coffee, lukewarm champagne
and hysterical women.

I'm very calm!
So don't call me Rosebud.

I don't want to die!

- This is not amusing.
- It sure isn't!

Can't we go in to say hello?

Not when the Master is receiving stars.

- Why not?
- They're drunk. They might molest you.

Then I came for nothing!

Wait. You'll still get paid.

It's visiting day.

He disappeared just like that?

He may not have been in the plane
that crashed. His parents were...

Who're you talking about?

Mr. Cinema's sole heir, Vincent.
He's missing.

He was on the reservation list
but not the passenger list.

When was this?

- About 10 years ago.
- I'm not going to wait 10 years.

Nobody knows
if this Vincent is alive?

If he was, he'd come milk
his great-grandpap for some money.

He'll live until our next visit.

I'll go with you.
We'll talk on the way.

- I love disappearance stories.
- His estate's the talk of the town.

You don't look dead.
You're a solid old fart.

A solid fart.

Watch it. Don't fart too hard!

Remember the way you died
in The Grand Bouffe?

A grandiose backfire!

- Terrible death!
- Awful! Took some doing.

It wasn't just sound effects!

A great way to go!

A poot's more original than a gat.

I've died by gunfire
at least eight times.

In Barocco I had two roles:
The killer and the killee.

In another picture,
I stuck a shotgun in my belly.

Let's roll! Action!

Can't let you get stiff.

Make tracks, youngster!

You've rolled plenty!
Barroco and His Brothers...

The Satin Slipper...

It was your director who shut
your eyes in the confessional.

That old devil Pialat!

Action!

My director had me slit my throat.
While I sang!

That old devil Demy!

And Danton's death...

Was the guillotine fun?

That gave me a scare.
My arms were tied behind my back,

I was laid out on a plank

under a real 180-lb. Blade
that's held up by a little pin.

Imagine an extra going off his rocker...

I was really afraid
of an accidental death.

Show my head to the people.
It's worth looking at.

You show yours to the people a lot.

I sure do! If I stop, I die.

Stop playing senile.
Get up and walk!

In one picture
I almost fell from a tower.

Another time, in Italy,
I took a Leap into the Void.

You die plenty in movies! Especially
if you retake a scene 10, 20 times.

Death is bullshit!

I've been hung,
electrocuted, burned...

I've died a thousand deaths.

I usually wind up getting shot.

I died laughing

watching you croak in Uranus.

Berri wanted me to die to death!

I had a ball in front of the camera.

Everyone had a good laugh.

You could say
we've looked death in the face.

Look death in the face?

Then look at me. I am Death.

That's not civilized. It's rude.

Not proper.

In Orpheus
Casares didn't say anything.

I speak as I wish
and brandish my scythe.

All is lies, all is truth.
I come, I go, in disguise.

Your days are numbered, I'm counting.

- Conservatory?
- Private classes?

She's good.

I've seen plenty of girls
try to audition in my dressing room.

Sit down... Miss?

I have no name.

She knows her part:
Nameless, shameless Death.

You're after famous names

in your autograph book...
We can help you.

Strange notebook!

Dates... names... in columns...

Looks like a directory.

This notebook is mine alone,
its meaning ineffable.

- What a fable!
- And if she was amiable...

Play!

Play! Flirt! Trifle with me!

She'll recite
Death is nothing to trifle with.

That's right.
She knows the day and the hour.

What? Who? What's that?
Her? You? Who?

Come off it, kid, who you kidding?
Champagne?

Came from Paris by train?
Walk across the plain?

That's it, champagne.

No visitors today. I'm all alone.

Camille didn't come.
Nobody except that actor...

G�rard... What was his name?

Oh, yes. G�rard Philipe, the star
of Fanfan the Black Tulip.

No, it was Black Moonlight...
Gone with the Window.

Now I remember: G�rard Phoenix...

in My Own Private Idaho.

Take a deep breath. Come on...

Open your eyes.

You okay?

Okay...

You gave me a fright, Baby Doll.

Where'd you get your sexy nightie?

- Rue de la Ga^it�.
- That's gay.

I was imitating Arletty
in H�tel du Nord, and River Phoenix.

Don't ever pull that again!
Get dressed.

You're not narcoleptic
and River Phoenix is dead.

I know. I was gathering info
on Arletty for tomorrow.

You put yourself out
for the old man.

- Know what I found out?
- I couldn't care less!

No, wait! This is an awesome plan.

And it could be a juicy one.

The old man has a great-grandson
who disappeared.

His sole heir.
Maybe we can help find him.

How could we?

By inventing one! A stand-in.

To get to the jackpot.

Have a photo? Will I have
the honor and benefit

of playing the hypothetical heir?
Especially the benefit!

You're 10 years too young.

I saw some of his letters.

You've been prying?

Sure! I learn lots of stuff.

I showed him an envelope. He said:

He wrote again.
My Vincent will be back.

What a convoluted story!

You weenie! If we pull this off,
everybody stands to gain.

Especially you. For your movie.

And to spoil you, my queen.

Slippers!

Right away, my queen.

And tell that shrew Ren�e
to do the room at 3.

Yes, my queen.

When I was young
I played broad games, not board games!

Movie gossip is often
just a lot of negative clich�s.

What's he staring at me for?

Yes, why is he staring at us?

Kiwei!

- Tell that fellow to stop staring!
- We're not in a showcase.

To clean the outside windows,
he can't turn his back.

Have him clean inside.

Come in.

I thank this wind

that's allowed me to approach my idol.

I saw La Dolce Vita as a kid.
It changed my life.

I learned you can
look like a tango dancer

and still feel the confusion

felt by the meek, the lowly,

the subordinate.

- He talks like a book.
- Like a chatterbox.

Let him speak!

Go on...

For me, you're Number One,
even in Leo the Last.

Your British cool worked wonders.

Allow me.

I admire your elegance in La Notte,

your licentious airs
in Flight to Varennes.

May I?

Show this gentleman
to his ladder.

This meeting will illumine
the second part of my life!

Did you fly away?

I'm here.

A fan. Know where
the word comes from?

Fanatic! A nutcase!

If he were your fan,
you wouldn't say that.

You're just jealous!

Me, jealous?

I've had it all.

Prizes, honors, presents!

Jealous...

I think he's a pleasant young fellow.

You take me for a buffoon.

I'm a sensitive man.

You won't give me your films and rights.
But he gave me his sponge.

How nice.

I'll give it to my mother.

You're a sensitive man.

I'm so fond of you.
The old man's old and stingy.

I'll buy you anything you want.
You'll be my queen.

Don't climb!

Mr. Vincent Jr. Used to climb, too.

He'd shout:

Hey, Sylva the forest,
Sylvestre the forester!

Come down!

Come down, child!

You're both here...
Hanna Schygulla and Jeanne Moreau.

Jeanne and I met
at a dinner the other night.

The patriarch's two wives. We had
a good laugh. We plotted this surprise.

Say, you're not both here
for your alimony?

I haven't got a thing.

I'm just a poor, penniless old man.

Simon, you haven't changed.

Haven't changed a bit!

- What continuity!
- As stingy as ever!

We won't take the money and run.

Excuse me for receiving you
in bed, my darlings.

Come sit by my side. Come!

Here...

No, here.

You've always had

a seductive gaze.

The German woman's gaze.

And you've always amazed me.
As empress or chambermaid...

She also played Queen Margot.
My very own queen...

And you as Effi Briest.
As the Holy Whore.

And you in The Immortal Story
by Orson Welles.

Orson stole you from me, my Nanette.
I hate him!

You broke my heart

by falling for that leather punk
Fassbinder.

Be quiet, Simon.
She did lots of pictures with him.

When a director does several
with an actress, they form a couple.

A creative couple.
Antonioni and Vitti...

Bergman and Liv Ullmann.
Demy and Deneuve.

- Godard and Karina.
- Sternberg and Marlene.

Cassavetes and Gena.

Panfilov and Churikova.
Truffaut and you.

I directed you, too.

But only once each!

I married each of you.

Big deal! The Marriage of Maria Braun
went sour...

and sometimes
The Bride Wore Black...

Who's your next victim?

Still jealous at your age!

What is there without love?
Hanna...

Did you ever truly love me,
simply, gazing in my eyes,

without doing your number?

Is anybody out there?

Tea and crumpets. And chocolate.
All women love chocolate.

Lackey! Clown!

Your Love is Colder than Death!

I'm going to direct my third film,
you know.

- You?
- You dislike female expression?

- Mise en scene?
- Ms. En scene!

Are you here to hold a press conference?
Or to criticize?

- We wanted to surprise you.
- Surprise me?

To astonish you.

As surprises go,
it's an unpleasant one.

Oh really?

You're not two Graces, you're two Fates!

The third is coming for you very soon.

She'll be less beautiful
and much uglier than us.

Curtain!

End of Episode Two.

Episode Three:
The return of the Vincents.

Hey, Mica...

- Waiting for us?
- Sure I was.

This is my brother.

- Was he in hiding?
- No, abroad.

- Where?
- India.

Is he dumb?

You autistic
or was your tongue cut out?

I'm so glad.
I found a two-day job on a shoot.

Nice! Should I babysit him?

My name's Vincent.

Camille.

We call him Mica.

To tell me apart
from my girlfriend Camille.

Mica. Beautiful as a deity.

One of those 12-armed things?
I'm not into Hinduism.

Except Lang's Tiger of Bengal
and The Thief of Bagdad by...

I forget. Coming?

Like Scorsese?

Except that you end the shot
on the body riddled with bullets...

and then to the Ferrari.

Will you be home tonight?

I'm sleeping at Mica's.

Okay, but you won't have a crane.

Or a Steadicam.

- Can you take the trash out?
- Sure thing.

I hear he did
3 three-month stints

in a Buddhist monastery.
He got fed up with silence and celibacy.

- Did Marco tell you that?
- He told Bob.

He'll be a hit!
Buddha and Co. Are in style.

Sure. The return to values...

And the red ribbon for AIDS,
and Sarajevo...

And the homeless sell, too.

I'm hungry. Feed me.

Princess,

will you do me the honor
of supping with me?

You seem elsewhere.

Do you hear other voices?

Mr. Cinema! That's Sandrine Bonnaire.
I recognized her.

I just love her. You feel
she understands plain folk.

She's so beautiful.

Beautiful as a landscape.
Beautiful as can be.

- I was waiting.
- Why the wheelchair?

Get a load of this!

I bet your old man can't do this one.

Show-off!

- Pretty dress!
- I've been buying clothes lately.

I need air! I've been slaving away.

I finished my shooting script.
Short subject, long title:

The Flower of Blood
or Make 'Em See Red.

Any coffee left?

I describe a cut
and blood spurts.

Say, you're all red,
as lovely as an open wound.

Look at this! A real storyboard.

Listen! I missed Depardieu,
I missed Sandrine Bonnaire

but not Anouk Aim�e!

Not interested
in hearing about my film?

Depardieu... You're caught up
in the Star System!

He's my favorite.
You didn't tell me!

Why should I?
You never listen anyway.

I told you I missed Depardieu

but I saw Marcello courting
Anouk Aim�e in the park.

He looked superb
in a black cape like Mandrake.

Want to make la dolce vita
with me?

Oh, no, Marcello.

I just came to intervista you
as Mandrake.

Do a trick for me.

I'm so tired, Anouk.

My disciple performs for me now.

So long.

Did you talk to Anouk Aim�e?

It didn't go so well.
She took me for a schemer.

You are! Take me along.
You're paid like two people.

It'd be good for me,
and I'd keep an eye on you.

I'm the one with the job!
I go alone, I collect alone.

If I scheme,
it's to get the estate.

It might work.
He's gullible and hungry for love.

Why can't I come?
You've been a snotty, secretive flirt

since you met that old man.

- Push me.
- What for?

We're going to do
a Raoul Coutard traveling shot

in a wheelchair.

We do a slightly
low-angle close-up...

...of the snotty star
who also doubles as the grip.

He's really into "mise en obscene".
And you're a slut.

Cut it out!

You're jealous because I meet stars.

That's right.

You're a fine driver, Firmin.

The Rolls is rusting.
What a shame!

We'll go out driving one day.
I'll be Gloria Swanson, you'll be Max...

Von Stroheim, I mean.

You up front, me behind.

Madame will pardon me: The shadow
over the left eye is not quite balanced.

Thank you, Max.

You're great in Sunset Boulevard,
Mr. Gloria Cinema!

I knew Gloria well.
She was glorious!

She never wore
the same dress twice

and had a 32-room mansion!

- Mr. Gillette's house.
- Like the razors?

That's right.
Every time I shave, I think of Gloria.

That was long ago.
I'm Monsieur's barber now.

- A barb in my side! Leave us.
- Will you push the Master now?

Push me inside! He always wants me
to take the air. I hate air!

I only like light,
or great open air... Adventure!

In a mood to travel?

Yes, far away, incognito...
Departure

and homecoming.

Coming Home
was my professor's favorite theme.

What? Who?

Jean-Claude Romer.

First postulate: He who returns
should never have returned.

He's often a hell-raiser

or a swindler...
Like Charles Boyer in Gaslight.

But homecomings can be happy!

The amnesiac...

Travis in Paris, Texas,
searching for his wife and son.

We always await the return of our kin,
our great-grandchildren.

Not so sure!

There's Joseph Cotten's return
in Shadow of a Doubt...

a criminal hiding out
with relatives.

And that fake Martin Guerre...

Those who come home
aren't all impostors!

When I said Those who come home
aren't all impostors,

my knees turned...

...To jelly!

You and your plot!

Here come the brothers!

Joining the ranks
of decadent youth, blessed Buddhist?

Look, Camille, I left the monastery.
I'm not in a trance, got that?

10 years must've left traces!

What's left may not be for you,
my lovely lotus flower.

It's Sunday!

How about casting an heir?
That's top priority.

Here we have a guy
who split for 10 years

who's cut out for the part!
Want some pizza?

No pizza.

He's perfect.

Just the right profile, and his name's
Vincent like the other one!

True, he's just right.
Are you up for being reincarnated

as an heir,
and splitting the dough with us?

- The geezer isn't dead yet.
- Soon enough.

Got any pictures from India?
A degree in meditation?

Monasteries don't give college credit.

We need proof you were there.
I've got your fake parents' family papers.

It was in a handbag
at the old man's place.

- Say you retrieved it after the accident.
- What accident?

A plane crash, 10 years ago.
I'll explain...

Laurel and Hardy.

They're a riot!

It's not for a lark.

We need money to shoot.

- Take an oath!
- For what?

That what Mr. Cinema leaves you
goes into a feature film.

That you'll sell the chateau
if you inherit it.

The rest of you, swear to secrecy.

I swear, I swear...

We swear, too.

Shit!

Shit, if we had that much money,

are you sure you'd have ideas
worth spending it all on?

I don't know. I feel so shabby!
No, more like a kid.

Think of Spielberg, Coppola,
Polanski, Godard,

when they started out.
Even bad directors...

Cut it out, Camille Thibault!
That's nothing new.

Like Herzog said:
Even Dwarfs Started Small.

Mr. Cinema...

Someday my prince will come.

Someday Vincent will come back.

Sylvester?

I'm so glad to see you.

Don't you recognize me?

Wait a sec... Salve Silva.

It's Mr. Vincent!
What d'you know!

I'm just back from India.

We thought you were dead!

How's Madeleine?

- And the girls?
- Married.

- How long's it been?
- 10 years.

- Awful accident!
- I've been an orphan for 10 years.

Poor fella!

You've changed a bit.

Seen Grandpappy?

My Grandpapyrus? I'm afraid
it may be a shock. Go in with me.

I rarely go in so I don't track in dirt.
But this time...

True, you used to call him Papyrus,
so I thought he was a Russkie!

- Maxime still around?
- No, now he has Firmin.

- And a yellow servant you never met.
- Yellow?

Two girls: One's from Nimes,
the other's from China.

I can feel it! Visitors!

The Lumiere brothers are here!

Visitors, at last! Look!

The audience is a doubting Thomas,

believing only what they see.
The audience loves excitement.

Sugar?

A bouquet, how nice!
You're just in time. Guess who's here?

Vincent. I've never mentioned him.
He's the last of the line.

- Still have family?
- A great-grandson.

- A Ghost from the Past.
- A Louis Jouvet movie!

That's when he said:
Stop playing the fool, you moron!

Say hello, Vincent!

I'm no movie maven but Papyrus
doesn't care. I know other things.

What do you do?
And why call him Papyrus?

He went on a retreat to India.
He's a wise man now.

Because he's old and precious.

Shall I leave you?

No, I'm leaving. See you tomorrow.

Don't go.

- I'll leave you two.
- Don't leave.

- Mind if I walk around?
- You unlocked the gate!

I remember you, everything.

Remember Lost Horizon?

Frank Capra's paradisiacal valley:
Shangri-La!

Where you never grow old nor die.

Now that Vincent's back,
I feel as if I had wings

and I want to go to Shangri-la,
beyond the Lost Horizon!

Am I dismissed then?

No, you stay on. I want you near me.
We'll all go to Shangri-La.

Will you come back later?
Tomorrow?

Little rascal!

Those Hindus didn't change you any!

What?

Dance!

What could be better?

I hadn't seen you. Hello.

He was napping.
Normal at his age!

He's the one who's senile.

He can't even remember
we'd been chatting for the past hour.

Next chapter: Musicals.

Ginger and Fred
with Giulietta Masina and me.

He always has to steal the spotlight!

Here's a trivia question, gentlemen:

In which movie do the chorus girls
form a swastika?

A great Mel Brooks picture

where he sells more than 150%
of a Broadway musical...

The title is...

We've seen some fly-by-night producers
in our time!

More specifically,
the title of their musical?

As musicals go,
the absolute yardstick is...

During my MGM days,
I danced with an umbrella.

So now you're Gene!
Gene's a genius!

There was that young fellow
from Rochefort who hired me

to tap-dance with some sailors.

You're quite charming,

but your effect
on my friend's memory

aggravates his usual delirium.

She's all I have, besides Vincent.

You bastard! What about me?

I come see you often!

Excuse me for excusing you.

Anyway, we have to finish
our game of checkers.

I feel like an intruder today,
and I have a headache.

Would you mind if I left?

Your piece is in danger.

It can move horizontally.

Hellzapoppin and Mary Poppins
are in a boat...

You should consider my offer.

Give me your stock of prints
and your rights.

I'll make them turn a profit.

For now, I'm winning.

I take your piece.

Trust me. Give me your films.

We've been friends for ages.

Mary Poppins falls out...

Give me your films.

Who's left? Hellzapoppin!

You're a good actor, you know!

Think so?

What a farce!

- He's the king of playback.
- Drop your things in my room.

- Isn't Camille back?
- Not yet.

So you're going to shoot your film?

- Happy?
- Yeah, a short.

St�phane's doing the photography.

Isn't Camille here?

She's late.

Tell her I'll be home
after the film.

It worked, guys!
Vincent was perfect.

He's now part
of the old man's family.

We're in the money!

Now you won't have
to kowtow to any producers.

Don't count your chickens...
Never learned that?

- Well, I don't care. So long...
- Don't go, I'm starved!

I'm seeing a movie.

Anyone seen Marco?

Anyone seen Marco?
Incredible!

Like Grandpap,
he still needs his kid brother!

- Cool it! What'll we do?
- I'm outta here!

What's his problem?

Trouble in paradise...

I'm going with you!

Wait for me!

Wait for me.

I'm coming.

I'm not ready yet.

Firmin!

Kiwei!

Anyone might come in.
I'm in my stocking feet!

I thought I saw
the girl in purple!

I thought I saw lovers. I heard
someone say How're the lovebirds?

I got scared:
Lovebirds are never okay.

One's always more in love
than the other.

- How're the lovebirds?
- Just fine.

Put something on
or we can't talk.

You want to talk?

Yes, I do.

Come here.

You know, sometimes...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I'm afraid.

I mean, I wonder...

You're afraid?

Camille...

Yes, Camille?

To think they call me Mica
so people can tell us apart...

It's ridiculous.
We're so different.

You don't know,
you don't feel it.

What don't I feel?

In film it's not easy to feel

silence, time,
and the movements of the soul.

Dreyer, Bergman,
Bresson and Cavalier

at times offered me a hand
I wouldn't take.

I don't like what they call
inner life, or death.

I understand.

Still go to movies?

No, I meditate

by watching falling leaves
or floating clouds.

The cinema of observation.

Is that all you do in life?
How old are you?

I'm going to try to adjust.

I need a bit more time.
I know I'm already 30 but...

it's hard to adjust to the noise.

Down with cries,
long live whispers.

I heard Mr. Cinema was ailing.

I came to pay my respects.

I couldn't call ahead.
I don't have his number.

We have no phone, sir,

nor radio, nor television.
But we have you, as a guest!

Allow me to proclaim
my boundless admiration!

You're my favorite!

Of all film stars, you are
a constellation in your own right!

The cream of the crop!

May I see your master?

I've often thought
of leaving Mr. Cinema's employ.

His health, not to say his moods,
are so unstable.

But...

may I make a confession?

I always told myself I'd remain
with Mr. Cinema at least until the day

I'd meet Mr. Delon,

my idol!

I'm very touched and honored,
but would you mind announcing me?

Wait!

I've waited years for this moment!

Look at my book.
Please take a seat.

- Now what?
- Sit down.

My guest book.

Impressive.

The center page is reserved for you.
Please sign.

My name is Firmin Gauche.

Yes, sir, Gauche.
Just like the character

you play in Red Sun.

Oh yes, that's right.

How kind of you. I'm in raptures!

There, Firmin.

May I go in now?

I'm afraid Mr. Cinema
is not at all well.

He instructed me to allow no one in.
No visitors.

I'm afraid I must show you back
to your chopper.

But I wanted to...
Well, if he feels ill...

Give him my card.
Thank you, Firmin.

Alain Delon, within our walls!

Hello. What an event!

- You a relative?
- I'm the prop of Mr. Cinema's old age.

I was hired to help him
do memory aerobics.

He's not in shape today.
I couldn't see him.

Then I'm not staying.
I'm no nurse!

Is that yours?

- Ever flown in an insect like that?
- Never.

How about a maiden voyage?
Paris heliport in 5 minutes.

Great, I live nearby.

Greater still, if you take me away,
if I dare say so.

Dare, dare!

- What's your name?
- Camille.

In truth, I say to you,

I'm more of a movie buff than I seem.

Renoir's The River,
which he shot in India,

is a highly bourgeois vision
of a traditional society.

Whereas Satyajit Ray
better captures basic values.

He refuses to confine things
within boundaries.

But the most accurate vision in film
is Godard's Sauve qui peut, la vie.

That Swiss has a way with words.
He talks like a book.

Sauve qui peut comma la vie.

It could have been
Joy, or Heaven...

The film describes prostitution

as a metaphor
for the entire notion of business.

There's that, but not only that.

Something in the mind and body

rises against repetition
and nothingness.

I'd like something
in my body to rise.

What was that?
War? A helicopter?

The police looking for a fugitive.
I asked them to leave.

I'll have none of that here!

We know Mr. Cinema's tastes.
They are limited.

He systematically avoids thrillers

and anything to do with drugs,
pimps and gangsters.

Indeed!

What feigned ignorance! There is
such a thing as film noir, sir.

Le faucon maltais,
En 4eme vitesse...

What about French thrillers?

The Samurai, Borsalino...

The Sicilian Clan.

Are you a Delon fan?

And proud of it!

If I had a real model plane...

If we had money and equipment...

We've seen the palace of Versailles

and the chateau at Rambouillet.
We'll return to Paris

and its Eiffel Tower.
But first a tour detour

by way of a century-old
cultural monument in human form:

Mr. Simon Cinema!

And here's his chateau where
you'll see the Great Man in person.

Now for a lightning tour
of the mini-museum.

Cameras and flashes are permitted,

handshakes, too. All right.

Onward...

No spitting or smoking.

Toilets are in the front hallway.

Japanese cinema has a long history,

dating back to 1896,

but Europeans
only really discovered it

in 1951 with Rashomon,

the Golden Lion at Venice.

Slowly, film after film,

the charm of sliding partitions
took hold,

as did the tea ceremony,

court ladies in kimonos,
the lives of ordinary folk,

and Crucified Lovers.

I'll mention
only certain milestone directors

and a few landmark films.

You, here?

I bought a ticket like everyone else,
to see the old man.

Then stand in line
like everyone else!

- What do you want?
- A close look at you.

Close up, I'm a papyrus.

- He admires you as an illumination.
- Know him?

Sort of. Just an eccentric.

What if I were your Death?
Not some young girl or femme fatale.

But what if I were Death,
calling for you...

Camille!
Get rid of this lunatic!

That'll do!
Wait for me over there!

Careful of fragile objects!
Don't touch!

- Going back with them?
- I paid for a round trip.

We could walk back together.

You're on foot
and my bike was stolen.

Italian neorealism strikes again!

I'll wait.
Scaring the old man relaxed me.

You beast!
You could've scared him to death!

Don't you want Vincent
to get his estate for me?

We can't kill him!

Let him croak on his own!
Who needs that old relic?

Movies are as hardy as weeds,
they grow everywhere!

- Are you hardy?
- You sure aren't!

You were to get him for my film
but you're not even cut out to ask!

- After the scene you made?
- No need to say it's for me.

There you are!

- How were admissions?
- 38, and one non-Jap student.

The one who attacked me. Punk!

Shall I dispatch to the next world

a young man not part of yours?

Pr�vert! What dialog he wrote!

That's for sure! I must get back

to my tourists

and tell them about Pr�vert.
Glad to see you on form.

- Form of what?
- Why, you seem content.

Form and content,
a debate even older than I am.

Sir, I have a request.

Friends - well, people I know -
are planning to make a short film

and want you in it.

Me, an acting comeback?

I want Mae West or B�atrice Dalle
as my co-star.

Tits and ass!
What's the part?

An evergreen old man?

A Godfather, but a good guy.

An anti-Mafia mafioso who finances

anti-drug dope.

I'll always be by your side.
Please say yes!

Then, would you play hostess

for the garden party I'm throwing?

Actually, I'm renting my grounds
to a charity organization

that's covering the costs.

Sure! So you'll say yes?

Yes, Camille dear.

- Your little caps are cute.
- And fitting!

Sabine Az�ma!

A Sunday in the Country
against AIDS!

Dear Irene, I'm Louis Ducreux
and I say, Stay Young.

Sabine, let me introduce my tutor.

Look down there!

We're having a benefit
for AIDS research.

Is that Liz Taylor?
In France?

My name's Marina and I'm Italian.

- Too bad!
- I knew it wasn't her.

Marvelous Liz Taylor!

Young ladies will be coming around.
Give generously.

Let Liz Taylor's image spur you on!

Look at me, think of her.

Reach into your hearts and pockets!

Marvelous Liz!

He may be rich, but stingy!

He's got lovely eyes, you know.

Yes, he's very attractive.

Who's attractive? Careful now!

The Latin lover could strike again.

- Mandrake!
- Rabbit lover!

Anouk, you're mine!

You must be dreaming.

So am I.

We're playacting.
That's what we love to do.

Acting is feeling.

Dear Mr. Bunuel.

L 'Age d'Or.

I find

all commemorations
fallacious and dangerous.

What's the point?
Long live oblivion!

I disagree!
I'm tired of forgetting things!

I have no more memory,
no more dreams, even!

So I use my imagination.

Have the waiter bring me a dry martini
from the San Jos� Purua bar.

I'll go myself.
C'mon, let's get out of here!

- May I come in?
- Liz!

I understand you're rich and generous.

Who told you that? That's
malicious gossip! Liz, you're here.

Why does he call her Liz?
It's Marina Castelnuovo!

He's lost his marbles.

That Italian sure has
great conversation pieces.

Money, solidarity...

Liz, you're the Madonna
of diamond miners!

I reach out to you.
Be generous.

I'm asking you to.

Oh, Liz! Money has powerful bonds
with beauty.

Your beauty
has always overwhelmed me.

Having goods is good,
doing good is better.

All right, your cause
will be the sole beneficiary:

My chateau, fortune,
film rights, everything!

It's a pleasure to give it all away,
it's like being in love.

Firmin! Fetch me the lawyer
sitting by the pond.

And some tea for Madam.
And wine for the miners!

The joy of your presence
is well worth my will!

The legatee's name goes here.

You can't let him do this!

Yes, I can. It's better this way,
for him... and even for me.

He's happy. I like the fellow.

Did you forget about our deal?

You're hopeless.
Our whole plan's ruined!

Sign here.

He signed his will.

What's done is done.
End of Episode Three.

Fourth and final Episode.

Cinema and its Myths, meaning:

Champagne, stars, festivals,

Hollywood, wealth,
and the centennial of cinema.

- A little early to celebrate.
- I think so, too.

Ready on the set?

- Speed!
- Sound ready?

Action!
I dream of saying Action.

To friendship!

The soaps are the fuel
of the film industry. I agree!

It's elbow grease that grows
the best dolly shots...

like fertilizer grows the best plants.

How do you know that?

I was a dolly grip
before I was a gardener.

I know what I'm talking about.

The setup for the famous dolly shot
of "Weekend", that was me.

That Godard!

And that Truffaut, I did
many dolly shots for him...

and for the new wave guys!

Pan across the puddle
until you come to the flower.

Let 'em drop!

Shit, it doesn't work!

It's a mechanical misconception.

You'll have to rise

as the petals fall away.

What'd you say?

I hear M-G-M's made you an offer.

What'd you say?

The head of M-G-M...

He's looking for you.

I prefer the Columbia lady.

Anyone home?

A dormant memory is like
a clawless lion, an extinguished fire.

A mind without memories
is like a locked suitcase,

a chandelier without light.

I'm the world specialist
of withering memories.

Memoriabilist or memologist?

Quiet, patient! Let science
and occult forces do the talking.

Butler, you'll be my assistant.

It's a revolutionary method!

I'll hit a specific point
in your recall zone...

For instance, a molecule
will unleash a memory! Ready?

Waste no time!

The treatment will be radical!

Our fairy, our Esmeralda,
our Queen of Sheba: Gina Lollobrigida.

- My better half, my medium.
- Really?

My better half!
As if I were his property!

Change your tune,
because we're divorcing.

You'll remain my electric muse,

my holy bread,
my love, my jealousy.

He's possessive!

What about me? Work your powers
of possession on me. Take me.

Back to work.
Butler, hook everything up.

Shoot another arrow
into my patient's memory.

An impatient patient!

The divine Bardot,
the Venus of St Tropez.

Women are desirable in general.

The lawyer confirms

that our business contract
is separate from our divorce.

Even when you're no longer
my better half, we'll go 50/50

on profits from our sessions.

I break my marriage chains
and my contract. You break my chops!

You use me to seduce your patients.

They're so glad to see me
they feel better.

Then it's you who gets
the compliments, Mr. Professor.

I want 70%, not 50%!

A debate as old as the hills:
End vs. Means, Method vs. Results.

Your method
has produced results for me.

And your wife's an angel,
isn't she, Camille?

Sure, she is.

Excuse me,

you'd make quite a decent assistant.

What do you say to 30%?

I'll think it over.

But I don't understand
why you stopped acting.

I was on stage one night
and my memory went blank.

So now I'm fascinated
by other people's memories.

It takes a good actor
to be a doctor.

Please go on with the treatment:
Two shots at once?

I'll pay double.

Two shots, two women.

Ay caramba!

Two more shots, two more women.

Your wife's got percentages on the brain
but - dare I admit it? -

I've long had you on my mind,
before and after your reconversion.

Calm down, butler!

Sign my guest book. The center page
has always been reserved for you.

Some other time, mate.

What's going on? Is the party over
or just starting?

Where are you going?

You've been caught up
in the Star System?

Going to the Cannes Film Festival?
With a divorcing couple?

No, you must go to Cannes with me!

With me, Simon Cinema!

And a few other stars.

And a gun, for Bob.

We'll do a few test shots
with the paint ball.

Careful!

Oh, shit!

It's too pink!

You're right. Lucky I prepared
some normal blood bags.

Think it'll burst right?

You bet it will! I'm an expert.

Don't overdo it!

Don't be stupid.
I'll find the dough!

You need a shirt.
We can see the blood bag.

Really?

Catherine!

I met them all through films,
except you.

I held them all in my arms,
except you.

I should've been your partner
since the dawn of time.

Not Belmondo or Depardieu,

not Perez or any of the others!

It's dark, the light is soft.

We got into the same boat.

Like others get into hot water.

Darling, did you turn off the gas?
Change the cat litter?

Put the mayonnaise in the fridge?
Recharge the batteries?

Did you set the alarm?
Jam the pantry window?

Bring your razor?

And I have the keys.

Great idea I had, this cruise!

It means so much to them
to have you play in their short!

Are you angry?

I hate this chauffeur.
He's a lecher. Beware.

I hate that creep
but I still love Catherine Deneuve.

Sure you do.

Quick! He's coming!

Your ersatz powder
is wrecking our network!

We can still make a deal
before the final shootout.

We'll beat you
at your own dirty game!

My boys are eager
because we kill drugs at the source!

Blood will flow if it must!

Back off! Get lost!

The truce is up in one minute.
I don't collude with crime!

Hold it... Cut!

That was fine, but your fast delivery
took me by surprise.

Some voices never grow old.
You'll have to adapt.

Sure, but...

I know you!

- Not at all, it's just...
- What do you want?

We'll take it again.
If you could

just enunciate
a bit slower, please.

Enunciate? I am!

Pretentious twerp!

It's all so corny.
What is this, a thriller spoof?

Even for the cause!

I'm practicing, doing my scales.
The music comes later.

Then I'll bowl you over.
Trust me.

For me, movies produce emotions
that are new to me...

sensations, substitutes
for something else.

For instance, the dexterity
of Bresson's Pickpocket thrills me

like a sexual come-on.

Then I'll pick your pockets!

Speed!

Scene 24, Take 1.

Action!

Gimme 2.

We've got a surprise for you.

Hit it, Sylvie!

Poor fellow.

- He's dead!
- It's almost criminal.

It's all my fault.

Put him on the couch.

No, don't touch him.

- Quick, to the hospital!
- Not the hospital!

My Rolls, a suitcase,

the Concorde,
and off to Shangri-La!

Camille,

Vincent, I want to go to Hollywood!

I think it's flying too fast.

Think she's there yet?

Here at Trocaca...

- Trodero...
- Trocadero!

In Pa-Pa-Paris...

- To inaugugu-rate...
- A mo-monument.

According to our researcher

here present, Ms. Miralis,

the Lumiere brothers
invented the cinematograph,

but we must mention the many scientists
who also invented the cinema:

Another pair of brothers:
The Skladanowskys.

We salute them all.

Let us pay tribute to them.

Yes, they deserve it.

It's time to cut my speech...

And this piece of film.

I'm so glad not to be among them.

I'm like Bunuel.

Down with commemorations.
Long live anarchy.

Down with speeches.

Long live desire.

You're vile!

Since you got back,
I've been all over town looking for you.

I've been all over town, too.
I had appointments yesterday.

Here, presents for you.

A T-shirt.

Try it on.

A coffee!

Hollywood was something else!
Wild!

- Had fun?
- Yes. He knows everyone there.

I'm completely out of it.
I've got...

What?

Jet lag. I'm always sleepy.

Let's go take a nap.

Can't. I have to take something to Mom.
Shocking pink.

Tonight, then.
When can I come over?

I need my sleep.

I'll call you tomorrow
if you want.

I look like an idiot
with this T-shirt and cap.

You're bullshitting me!

- Don't you like Micalifornia?
- You're bullshitting me.

I'd like my coffee.

I'd like my Camille.

Hear me?

And during the end credits

his Italian friend
pays a visit the chateau.

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