Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:15,261 --> 00:00:20,261
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
2
00:01:07,354 --> 00:01:08,557
Oh my god.
3
00:01:10,627 --> 00:01:14,690
What was that?
4
00:02:40,217 --> 00:02:42,217
Suicide is precarious.
5
00:02:44,788 --> 00:02:46,319
There are a lotta different
schools of thought
6
00:02:46,388 --> 00:02:47,689
on killing yourself.
7
00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:50,791
Beyond just pro and con, I mean.
8
00:02:53,130 --> 00:02:54,698
And believe me,
9
00:02:54,766 --> 00:02:56,797
there is a totally pro-suicide
contingent out there.
10
00:02:58,064 --> 00:03:00,834
They just aren't as
vocal as the other guys.
11
00:03:02,002 --> 00:03:04,706
Because well, for the
most part, they're dead.
12
00:03:10,342 --> 00:03:12,945
Think this stuff would
kill you if you drank it?
13
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,913
Says it's toxic.
14
00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:17,949
But is this, feel
a little woozy,
15
00:03:18,018 --> 00:03:19,953
I don't go to work
the next day toxic?
16
00:03:20,022 --> 00:03:22,753
Or is this, Lord hide the
eyes of your children,
17
00:03:22,822 --> 00:03:25,122
it's melting my face off toxic?
18
00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:36,637
For clean, pills
are your best bet.
19
00:03:36,706 --> 00:03:39,102
They're simple,
elegant, merciful.
20
00:03:39,171 --> 00:03:41,211
Just close your eyes
and wake up in the arms
21
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,272
of whatever God you believe in.
22
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:45,881
Unless you wake up three
months later to discover
23
00:03:45,949 --> 00:03:48,011
that you've just slipped
into a coma and some orderly
24
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,251
has been charging
truckers 20 bucks a pop
25
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,753
to have sex on you.
26
00:04:05,003 --> 00:04:08,970
But, who says taking yourself
out all neat-like is a virtue?
27
00:04:09,039 --> 00:04:13,274
Why not go out in a violent,
mangley way people remember?
28
00:05:26,581 --> 00:05:28,581
Tofu, extra firm tofu.
29
00:05:28,650 --> 00:05:30,247
Oh my god, veg, Vegenaise?
30
00:05:32,752 --> 00:05:34,251
What in the hell?
31
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,992
I have a coupon for a meat
lovers and cheesy breadsticks.
32
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,496
Don't rule this a suicide.
33
00:05:47,565 --> 00:05:50,971
The coroner's report should
read, "Cause of death,
34
00:05:51,974 --> 00:05:54,309
a broken heart and
a fucking rabbit."
35
00:06:09,492 --> 00:06:10,852
What do you think?
36
00:06:10,921 --> 00:06:12,293
What is it?
37
00:06:12,362 --> 00:06:13,895
It's a rabbit.
38
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:16,700
Is it abstract?
39
00:06:17,368 --> 00:06:18,999
No, it's a rabbit.
40
00:06:19,969 --> 00:06:22,200
Okay, his name is
Othor the Terrible.
41
00:06:22,269 --> 00:06:25,771
He's traveled through,
through hell and back
42
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,072
to reclaim his lady rabbit.
43
00:06:28,141 --> 00:06:30,138
And now he's coming
home victorious,
44
00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:32,947
but having paid a heavy price.
45
00:06:33,881 --> 00:06:37,050
So it's a metaphorical rabbit?
46
00:06:38,616 --> 00:06:42,456
No. It's a rabbit who's
had some hard times, man.
47
00:06:42,525 --> 00:06:43,727
I don't trust rabbits.
48
00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:47,262
Hey, sweet rabbit, baby.
49
00:06:47,331 --> 00:06:48,226
Thanks, babe.
50
00:06:59,274 --> 00:07:01,243
"There are a lotta
different schools of thought
51
00:07:01,312 --> 00:07:02,273
on suicide.
52
00:07:03,482 --> 00:07:05,241
There are a lotta ways to die.
53
00:07:05,309 --> 00:07:07,377
Lately, I've considered
most of them.
54
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,251
The one I can't
live with though,
55
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,755
the death I can't abide is the
one that takes 60 years or so
56
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:16,355
spending small days
in a small home,
57
00:07:17,191 --> 00:07:20,357
in a small suburb,
with anyone but you.
58
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:22,831
I hope you miss me every day.
59
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,230
And I hope you know
this is all your fault.
60
00:07:25,997 --> 00:07:28,332
Love always, Mia."
61
00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:33,205
I'm gonna need you to sign this.
62
00:07:59,599 --> 00:08:04,373
Hey, uh, large meat lovers
and cheesy mozzarella sticks
63
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,269
for one Steven Sanders.
64
00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:08,070
Just slide it
through the crack.
65
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:10,747
What? That's ridiculous.
66
00:08:10,816 --> 00:08:13,178
That is also what
she said.
67
00:08:13,247 --> 00:08:14,713
It's fine, just
you hand me the pie,
68
00:08:14,782 --> 00:08:15,780
I'll hand you the cash.
69
00:08:15,849 --> 00:08:17,216
It won't fit, man.
70
00:08:17,284 --> 00:08:18,916
Didn't you ever
play Tetris as a kid?
71
00:08:18,984 --> 00:08:20,285
Not with pizza, no.
72
00:08:23,422 --> 00:08:26,027
Your toppings are gonna
be a mess now, dude.
73
00:08:29,568 --> 00:08:30,861
Something wrong with your face?
74
00:08:30,930 --> 00:08:31,963
No. Why?
75
00:08:32,032 --> 00:08:33,430
Do you have elephantiasis?
76
00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:36,032
No.
77
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,467
Ah, just wondering.
78
00:08:37,535 --> 00:08:39,172
You know, my girlfriend's
got this thing
79
00:08:39,241 --> 00:08:40,844
that when she gets
nervous, she sweats a lot.
80
00:08:40,913 --> 00:08:43,007
Like a lot, like I am
genuinely concerned
81
00:08:43,076 --> 00:08:45,041
about her hydration sometimes.
82
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,042
A sweaty little girl.
83
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,944
I mean, it's not like,
84
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:49,744
it isn't anything like an
eight-pound testicle or anything,
85
00:08:49,813 --> 00:08:52,822
but she's got a couple a
extra t-shirts in her car.
86
00:08:52,891 --> 00:08:54,286
She's got this thing
of antiperspirant
87
00:08:54,355 --> 00:08:56,025
basically comes out of
a holster, you know?
88
00:08:56,093 --> 00:08:57,353
Yeah, one time I, I
delivered a pie to a lady,
89
00:08:57,422 --> 00:08:59,393
had a nipple right
on her eyeball.
90
00:08:59,462 --> 00:09:02,227
True story, nipple right there
in the corner of her eyeball.
91
00:09:02,296 --> 00:09:03,800
But it's all rock
and roll to me, man.
92
00:09:03,869 --> 00:09:05,501
I mean, 'cause we're
just, we're just living,
93
00:09:05,569 --> 00:09:06,599
you know, just living.
94
00:09:06,668 --> 00:09:07,464
There you go.
95
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,436
Listen, it's just
been a long day
96
00:09:10,505 --> 00:09:13,910
and I don't really feel like
seeing anybody right now.
97
00:09:16,109 --> 00:09:18,206
I mean, you've been crying?
98
00:09:18,275 --> 00:09:20,208
Oh man, did your dad die?
99
00:09:20,277 --> 00:09:22,479
What? Of course not? No.
100
00:09:23,281 --> 00:09:25,383
Why, why would you say that?
101
00:09:25,452 --> 00:09:28,154
It's basically the
only acceptable reason
102
00:09:28,223 --> 00:09:31,026
for a grown-ass man
to cry, you know.
103
00:09:31,991 --> 00:09:33,391
What if it was a girl?
104
00:09:35,229 --> 00:09:38,501
Ah. Feelings and
shit, I get it.
105
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:40,869
Well, enjoy your pie, sir.
106
00:09:40,938 --> 00:09:42,906
How 'bout if I
tip you to listen?
107
00:09:44,502 --> 00:09:47,702
So what's the
young lady's name?
108
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,244
Mia. I mean, Elaine,
Elaine, Elaine.
109
00:09:51,947 --> 00:09:54,951
Huh. I dated an Elaine once.
110
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,553
Yeah. Girl had immaculate
sentence structure.
111
00:09:58,622 --> 00:10:00,087
It was really something.
112
00:10:00,156 --> 00:10:01,557
Course she ended up
being an arsonist,
113
00:10:01,625 --> 00:10:03,325
which was unfortunate.
114
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:08,061
So what would you say to her
if you wanted to say goodbye?
115
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,559
I'd say, while
I'm at the store,
116
00:10:09,628 --> 00:10:12,397
please do not set my
cat on fire, you know.
117
00:10:12,466 --> 00:10:15,033
I mean she lived, my,
my cat, but you know,
118
00:10:15,102 --> 00:10:16,633
hasn't been the same ever since.
119
00:10:16,702 --> 00:10:19,041
Just kinda walks around
all bald and confused now.
120
00:10:38,693 --> 00:10:39,761
Hey.
121
00:10:58,943 --> 00:11:01,743
Kinda feel like we're in
Zach Braff movie right now.
122
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:05,787
Nobody puts baby in
the corner.
123
00:11:05,856 --> 00:11:08,390
Wait a second. That's not right.
124
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,825
Anyway, I think you're gonna
enjoy this Friday show, dude.
125
00:11:10,894 --> 00:11:12,656
It's totally fresh to death.
126
00:11:12,725 --> 00:11:15,459
Kinda like arena glam rock
with some heavy gangster
127
00:11:15,528 --> 00:11:18,694
rap influences, all
done in chip tune.
128
00:11:19,771 --> 00:11:21,367
I call it eight bit cock hop.
129
00:11:24,175 --> 00:11:25,705
You know you got a little
bit a sauce right there
130
00:11:25,774 --> 00:11:27,676
on the chin.
131
00:11:27,745 --> 00:11:29,078
Yeah, right, right there.
132
00:11:30,943 --> 00:11:31,982
Go away.
133
00:11:52,502 --> 00:11:56,567
Look, I'm sorry, Poodle.
He was a really chatty dude.
134
00:11:56,636 --> 00:11:58,439
I mean he wanted to
know all about my cat,
135
00:11:58,508 --> 00:12:01,009
and, and there was this girl
whose name he didn't know
136
00:12:01,078 --> 00:12:02,905
that he kept going
on and on about.
137
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:05,478
Next thing you know, we're
talking about Paul Newman
138
00:12:05,547 --> 00:12:09,316
and wolves, and he's
probably gonna kill himself.
139
00:12:11,589 --> 00:12:14,623
Ah.
140
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:17,187
Probably not. You know?
141
00:12:17,256 --> 00:12:19,057
Just a big maybe on that.
142
00:12:19,126 --> 00:12:20,658
I mean, who, who's to say?
143
00:12:20,727 --> 00:12:24,160
Huh, you know, 30% of
Americans do commit suicide
144
00:12:24,229 --> 00:12:25,467
every single day.
145
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,762
Ah.
146
00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:28,197
And that's some
serious math right there.
147
00:12:28,266 --> 00:12:29,902
Some scary stuff.
148
00:12:29,971 --> 00:12:31,204
But, but he won't.
149
00:12:31,273 --> 00:12:33,435
He wouldn't, 'cause
he's, you know,
150
00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,111
he's got his stuff together.
151
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,714
Little douchy, yeah
but,
152
00:12:37,783 --> 00:12:39,676
you know, he's fine.
153
00:12:40,984 --> 00:12:43,019
We have to bake him a cake.
154
00:12:43,088 --> 00:12:45,385
But I've got deliveries
to make, Poodle.
155
00:12:45,454 --> 00:12:49,686
Yes, you do. Today,
we're delivering hope.
156
00:12:51,726 --> 00:12:52,795
What?
157
00:12:52,864 --> 00:12:56,165
Buttercream frosted hope.
158
00:13:06,743 --> 00:13:07,539
Hey, Mia.
159
00:13:09,645 --> 00:13:10,476
Mia.
160
00:13:11,849 --> 00:13:13,809
Hello, I am Sockio Sockio.
161
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:18,648
Hi, and I am Luigi Sockio.
162
00:13:18,717 --> 00:13:21,553
We are Italian and
we have-a mustaches.
163
00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:25,554
And we bring to you,
our ancestral food stuff
164
00:13:25,622 --> 00:13:28,229
from the ancient
island of Italy,
165
00:13:28,298 --> 00:13:31,299
which is where we
are from.
166
00:13:31,368 --> 00:13:34,103
Okay, first of all,
Italy is a peninsula.
167
00:13:34,172 --> 00:13:37,338
And secondly, you're
a fucking asshole.
168
00:13:44,677 --> 00:13:47,514
I wrote you a
dinner theater play.
169
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:51,880
Oh. Oh, I take back
what I said then.
170
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:54,188
I'd like you to kill me now,
171
00:13:54,256 --> 00:13:55,719
so I don't have
a listen act two.
172
00:13:57,995 --> 00:14:00,063
Well that was very hurtful.
173
00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:02,559
The second act is
a fierce takedown
174
00:14:02,628 --> 00:14:04,231
of the banking
industrial complex.
175
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,598
And I think you would've
really enjoyed it.
176
00:14:06,666 --> 00:14:09,436
I'm only trying to
cheer you up, Mia, but
177
00:14:10,940 --> 00:14:12,708
fine, you know what?
178
00:14:12,777 --> 00:14:13,803
Have it your way.
179
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:18,610
Here, pizza.
180
00:14:19,509 --> 00:14:20,777
I can't eat that.
181
00:14:22,281 --> 00:14:23,846
What do you mean?
182
00:14:25,988 --> 00:14:27,718
I mean, it's a good.
183
00:14:27,786 --> 00:14:29,792
It's from-a the place
around the corner.
184
00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:32,460
I don't eat cheese.
185
00:14:33,430 --> 00:14:34,828
What do you mean,
you don't eat cheese?
186
00:14:34,897 --> 00:14:36,364
You know this.
187
00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:42,436
I spent like forever
picking little pieces of ham
188
00:14:43,706 --> 00:14:47,804
and hamburger and emu off of
here, and it was really hot.
189
00:14:48,373 --> 00:14:49,873
I mean I burnt my,
190
00:14:49,942 --> 00:14:51,177
I didn't really, I didn't
actually burn myself,
191
00:14:51,246 --> 00:14:52,611
but I did it over and over again
192
00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:54,550
and it was really
uncomfortable for me.
193
00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:58,588
I'm trying really hard here,
Mia, and you don't even care.
194
00:15:01,354 --> 00:15:02,786
What do you want from me?
195
00:15:04,693 --> 00:15:06,727
You want me to let you
go? Is that what you want?
196
00:15:06,796 --> 00:15:07,622
Yes.
197
00:15:07,691 --> 00:15:09,198
Okay, well I, I can't do that.
198
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:10,326
I mean, I'm just,
I'm brainstorming.
199
00:15:10,395 --> 00:15:11,761
Is there anything else?
200
00:15:11,830 --> 00:15:14,697
Garrett, I don't know
what's going on here.
201
00:15:14,766 --> 00:15:17,566
I don't have a
fucking clue, okay.
202
00:15:17,635 --> 00:15:21,438
And, I'm not mad anymore, okay?
203
00:15:21,507 --> 00:15:24,841
So just, please, let me go.
204
00:15:27,282 --> 00:15:30,818
I'll get you a
waffle.
205
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:36,853
Boy.
206
00:15:46,931 --> 00:15:51,132
How you bum
your leg, boy child?
207
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:53,705
I was part of the commando
unit sent in to squash
208
00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:56,110
some insurgent activity
over on Sycamore Drive.
209
00:15:56,179 --> 00:15:57,873
I busted my leg on extraction.
210
00:15:57,942 --> 00:16:00,343
Ha, almost same
thing happens to me,
211
00:16:00,412 --> 00:16:02,517
outside of Hanoi in '72.
212
00:16:02,585 --> 00:16:06,117
Now, my leg parts, mostly
rebar and duct tape.
213
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,255
It's the man in black pajamas
who I'm shooting at. You?
214
00:16:11,324 --> 00:16:12,256
Fifth grade girls.
215
00:16:12,325 --> 00:16:14,226
Ah, just as dangerous.
216
00:16:14,294 --> 00:16:15,656
I hear you, brother.
217
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,164
What kind of gun is that?
218
00:16:17,233 --> 00:16:19,064
Makarov, nine millimeter.
219
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:20,569
Can I see it?
220
00:16:20,638 --> 00:16:21,469
Sure.
221
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,907
Whoa. Can I shoot something?
222
00:16:25,976 --> 00:16:28,905
Sure. Um, shoot Glen.
223
00:16:29,773 --> 00:16:32,309
No, no, no, no, no. I'm joking.
224
00:16:32,378 --> 00:16:34,383
It's joke, ha-ha.
225
00:16:36,751 --> 00:16:38,948
All right, maybe we
shoot Glen later, huh?
226
00:17:19,024 --> 00:17:21,623
Hello, and welcome
to YouTube's edition
227
00:17:21,691 --> 00:17:23,828
of how to tie a noose.
228
00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:38,881
Step one in tying
noose, find a rope.
229
00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:40,141
Once you have your rope,
230
00:17:40,210 --> 00:17:43,447
you shall start tying
your noose as such.
231
00:17:55,897 --> 00:17:58,793
Now that you have learned
to tie a proper loop,
232
00:17:58,862 --> 00:18:01,068
you must now follow step 15.
233
00:18:01,137 --> 00:18:04,204
In step 15, you shall...
234
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:21,650
Take the end of the rope and
place it through the bunny hole
235
00:18:21,719 --> 00:18:23,789
and out the rabbit hatch.
236
00:18:37,970 --> 00:18:39,834
And if you take that
last bit of string,
237
00:18:39,903 --> 00:18:42,907
pull it nice and tight, voila,
238
00:18:42,976 --> 00:18:46,713
you now have yourself
a full bonafide noose.
239
00:19:37,561 --> 00:19:38,600
Hey.
240
00:19:39,829 --> 00:19:42,104
Oh, what happened here?
241
00:19:42,172 --> 00:19:44,173
I dropped my waffle.
242
00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:46,905
Well, we'll get you another one.
243
00:19:47,875 --> 00:19:49,677
I don't want you to
eat off the floor.
244
00:19:51,615 --> 00:19:53,879
Okay. I'm gonna take
this off of you.
245
00:19:53,947 --> 00:19:55,584
What I don't want you to
do is be too mean to me.
246
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:58,086
If I wanted to be brow
beaten or made fun of,
247
00:19:58,155 --> 00:19:59,115
I could call my mom.
248
00:20:00,591 --> 00:20:02,756
What's with the neck
wear there, buddy?
249
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,894
Oh, this.
250
00:20:05,963 --> 00:20:09,591
Yes, well, I guess you decided
to hang yourself in the end.
251
00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:11,263
Out of guilt.
252
00:20:11,332 --> 00:20:12,700
It's a classic.
253
00:20:12,768 --> 00:20:14,565
I don't think I did
decide to do that.
254
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:16,331
I think I'd remember that.
255
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,241
Vegetables do weird
things to people's brains.
256
00:20:19,310 --> 00:20:20,239
You should stop eating them.
257
00:20:20,308 --> 00:20:21,275
Let me go.
258
00:20:21,343 --> 00:20:22,911
Oh, I can't do that.
259
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:24,039
Why?
260
00:20:24,108 --> 00:20:26,081
I think you'd be
very upset if you knew.
261
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:27,444
You're gonna kill me.
262
00:20:27,512 --> 00:20:28,881
I'm upset!
263
00:20:28,949 --> 00:20:30,918
Hey, please don't
be like this, don't.
264
00:20:30,987 --> 00:20:34,986
Can't you just, I'm a nice
guy. I'm a damn bunny rabbit.
265
00:20:36,089 --> 00:20:39,960
Nice guys don't kidnap
and kill innocent people.
266
00:20:40,028 --> 00:20:45,194
Monsters do that, and
fuckheads. Fuckhead monsters.
267
00:20:46,934 --> 00:20:49,035
He was cheating
on you, you know?
268
00:20:49,104 --> 00:20:50,198
What?
269
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:53,604
You were one of
half a dozen girls
270
00:20:53,673 --> 00:20:55,172
he didn't even care about.
271
00:20:55,241 --> 00:20:57,072
I've actually taken the
liberty of putting together
272
00:20:57,141 --> 00:20:59,175
a PowerPoint
presentation for you.
273
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:01,951
A PowerPoint?
274
00:21:02,019 --> 00:21:03,284
Oh yeah.
275
00:21:03,352 --> 00:21:05,720
Oh, there he is, Ben.
276
00:21:05,789 --> 00:21:08,618
He moved in with me
and ruined everything.
277
00:21:21,105 --> 00:21:22,000
Whoo-hoo.
278
00:21:23,401 --> 00:21:26,207
I hated the way he seduced
you with his slick ways
279
00:21:26,276 --> 00:21:28,209
and his sex parts.
280
00:21:40,421 --> 00:21:41,690
Help! Help!
281
00:21:43,357 --> 00:21:44,454
Help.
282
00:21:44,523 --> 00:21:45,320
Help!
283
00:21:55,137 --> 00:21:55,935
Hello?
284
00:21:57,637 --> 00:21:58,806
He's really shy.
285
00:22:00,043 --> 00:22:02,275
He doesn't have elephantiasis
though. I'm pretty sure.
286
00:22:02,343 --> 00:22:03,173
Uh, hey!
287
00:22:04,545 --> 00:22:08,048
Hey, open the door.
288
00:22:08,117 --> 00:22:08,948
Please.
289
00:22:14,391 --> 00:22:17,051
Hi. We brought you a cake.
290
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,360
She makes cakes. Pretty good.
291
00:22:20,429 --> 00:22:21,796
Why are you here?
292
00:22:21,864 --> 00:22:24,667
She made me leave work
early to buy cake stuff.
293
00:22:26,096 --> 00:22:27,736
What happened to your hand?
294
00:22:29,471 --> 00:22:31,370
It's from a monkey.
295
00:22:31,439 --> 00:22:32,873
A monkey?
296
00:22:32,942 --> 00:22:38,010
Yeah. I train helper
monkeys for citizens.
297
00:22:38,712 --> 00:22:39,644
Citizens who need monkeys.
298
00:22:39,712 --> 00:22:43,311
Oh. I love monkeys.
299
00:22:43,380 --> 00:22:46,885
There's a monkey on
the cake. See?
300
00:22:46,954 --> 00:22:48,489
Can we come in and
meet the monkey?
301
00:22:48,558 --> 00:22:50,924
No, no. God, no. He's angry.
302
00:22:52,090 --> 00:22:54,054
You actually need
to leave. Okay?
303
00:22:54,123 --> 00:22:56,292
But, thanks for the cake.
304
00:22:57,402 --> 00:23:00,267
Yeah, it looks, looks good.
305
00:23:00,336 --> 00:23:01,704
I like monkeys.
306
00:23:01,772 --> 00:23:05,537
Wait. I just want you
to know that we're here.
307
00:23:05,606 --> 00:23:07,035
I can see that.
308
00:23:07,104 --> 00:23:10,240
No, I mean we're here for you.
309
00:23:11,315 --> 00:23:13,280
I'm fine. Okay?
310
00:23:13,349 --> 00:23:14,414
Oh my god.
311
00:23:14,483 --> 00:23:15,783
What?
312
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:17,753
You have a noose
around your neck.
313
00:23:18,552 --> 00:23:19,414
No, I don't.
314
00:23:20,656 --> 00:23:22,319
Maybe we should go, Poodle.
315
00:23:23,155 --> 00:23:25,660
There is a noose
around his neck.
316
00:23:25,729 --> 00:23:27,722
He is going to
kill himself, Rick.
317
00:23:27,791 --> 00:23:33,164
Maybe he's a gasper, like
into autoerotic asphyxiation.
318
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:34,934
I don't know.
319
00:23:35,003 --> 00:23:37,707
I, I feel weird. This is
really personal stuff.
320
00:23:38,443 --> 00:23:39,737
I'm not gonna kill myself.
321
00:23:39,805 --> 00:23:41,140
See, it's all good.
322
00:23:42,043 --> 00:23:43,605
Catch you at the
cock-hop show, right?
323
00:23:43,674 --> 00:23:44,676
Yeah.
324
00:23:44,745 --> 00:23:46,415
There is a noose around,
325
00:23:46,484 --> 00:23:47,681
there is a noose around you.
326
00:23:47,749 --> 00:23:49,547
There is a noose
around his neck.
327
00:23:49,615 --> 00:23:51,279
Go away.
328
00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,750
I don't think
he wants us here.
329
00:23:53,819 --> 00:23:55,457
He does want us here.
330
00:23:55,526 --> 00:23:58,119
Clearly, he doesn't. Clearly.
331
00:23:58,188 --> 00:24:00,361
No one is killing anyone.
332
00:24:00,430 --> 00:24:01,797
My girlfriend and I,
333
00:24:01,865 --> 00:24:03,157
we just have a
complicated relationship.
334
00:24:03,226 --> 00:24:05,361
I told you it was a sex thing.
335
00:24:06,435 --> 00:24:07,264
That's it.
336
00:24:07,899 --> 00:24:09,365
That's it, we have uh,
337
00:24:10,201 --> 00:24:13,271
sweet, sweet,
complicated intercourse.
338
00:24:13,340 --> 00:24:16,170
But, I need you to go now
because of all the intercourse.
339
00:24:16,239 --> 00:24:18,211
So, thanks for the monkey cake.
340
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:22,277
Okay, and, oh you, you might
wanna go run off to the car
341
00:24:22,346 --> 00:24:24,448
and grab one of
those extra shirts.
342
00:24:24,517 --> 00:24:28,923
Yeah, your pits are kind of
swampy. Okay now, bye-bye.
343
00:24:47,678 --> 00:24:50,042
I hate people.
Especially other people.
344
00:24:50,111 --> 00:24:52,743
You, you're not so bad,
but for the most part,
345
00:24:52,812 --> 00:24:55,578
people who need people,
346
00:24:55,646 --> 00:24:58,218
they are just the most
annoying people in the world.
347
00:24:58,287 --> 00:25:02,891
Some people will draw you in
with the way they have skin.
348
00:25:04,324 --> 00:25:07,423
Or, they smell like
vanilla coconut candy.
349
00:25:13,532 --> 00:25:16,336
And, then they make you feel
like you can trust them.
350
00:25:17,306 --> 00:25:20,535
And it turns out that they're
just big, fat liar cats,
351
00:25:20,604 --> 00:25:23,004
and that they're sleeping
with other people
352
00:25:23,073 --> 00:25:25,077
right behind your back.
353
00:25:25,146 --> 00:25:28,279
I never slept with you
in front of your back.
354
00:25:29,379 --> 00:25:31,348
Don't you see
how that's worse?
355
00:25:31,417 --> 00:25:33,447
I don't know what
you're talking about.
356
00:25:33,516 --> 00:25:36,116
You can't ignore
me anymore, Mia.
357
00:25:36,185 --> 00:25:37,685
I mean, look at me.
358
00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:40,962
I'm the last thing
you're ever gonna see.
359
00:25:41,764 --> 00:25:44,627
What we had, it was cosmic.
360
00:25:44,695 --> 00:25:48,502
It was a love I thought was
gonna watch the stars turn cold.
361
00:25:48,571 --> 00:25:49,564
And you're just ,
362
00:25:52,076 --> 00:25:56,406
anyway, I'm not mad at you,
I just want you to know,
363
00:25:57,481 --> 00:25:59,247
I mean, I forgive you.
364
00:25:59,316 --> 00:26:00,146
Hm.
365
00:26:03,849 --> 00:26:05,586
Help, help.
366
00:26:13,329 --> 00:26:14,595
Mia!
367
00:26:14,663 --> 00:26:19,495
Help, help me.
368
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,113
I'm sorry, Poodle. He was
having a really bad day.
369
00:26:32,182 --> 00:26:36,677
A complete stranger. You
met him one time, Rick.
370
00:26:36,746 --> 00:26:38,553
Do you tell everybody
that your girlfriend
371
00:26:38,621 --> 00:26:40,088
has sweaty arm stains?
372
00:26:40,156 --> 00:26:42,320
Is that like your Facebook
status or something?
373
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,224
I love you.
374
00:26:46,993 --> 00:26:49,565
Who else have you told?
375
00:26:49,634 --> 00:26:50,662
What's important is that...
376
00:26:50,731 --> 00:26:51,626
Who else?
377
00:26:53,703 --> 00:26:55,300
- Well...
- Who else?
378
00:26:57,169 --> 00:26:59,506
I have told many, many people.
379
00:27:01,712 --> 00:27:03,105
You know what your problem is?
380
00:27:03,174 --> 00:27:04,673
I know several of them.
381
00:27:04,742 --> 00:27:06,543
Do you even understand
what's happening right now?
382
00:27:06,612 --> 00:27:08,180
I understand some of
what's happening right now.
383
00:27:08,249 --> 00:27:09,848
You never even
notice what's going on
384
00:27:09,916 --> 00:27:10,882
right under your nose.
385
00:27:10,950 --> 00:27:12,346
Are you kidding me?
386
00:27:12,415 --> 00:27:14,386
I'm like fucking Daredevil.
387
00:27:14,455 --> 00:27:18,521
Like hyper aware of, you
know, my shit at all times.
388
00:27:18,589 --> 00:27:21,891
I'm hyper aware
that you're an idiot.
389
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:22,894
Is that nice?
390
00:27:24,665 --> 00:27:26,060
Hm-mm.
391
00:27:26,129 --> 00:27:27,167
Check this.
392
00:27:28,634 --> 00:27:32,770
There's a car, PT Cruiser,
hunter green, fairly mint.
393
00:27:34,542 --> 00:27:36,143
It's carrying three children,
about to round the corner.
394
00:27:36,212 --> 00:27:38,442
They're watching
SpongeBob in the backseat.
395
00:27:39,379 --> 00:27:41,415
Squidward's flipping
a Krabby Patty.
396
00:27:41,484 --> 00:27:46,681
The middle child has ADHD and
just ate Cheez-Its for lunch.
397
00:27:51,558 --> 00:27:54,025
Okay, but you got to admit
that would've been pretty dope.
398
00:27:54,094 --> 00:27:56,593
Also, Krabby Patty? Band name.
399
00:27:56,662 --> 00:27:59,227
Do we even care that
he's going to kill himself?
400
00:27:59,295 --> 00:28:00,395
He's not going to...
401
00:28:00,463 --> 00:28:02,434
He has a noose
around his neck.
402
00:28:02,503 --> 00:28:06,802
So? Flava Flav's been
wearing a clock since the '80s.
403
00:28:06,871 --> 00:28:08,174
What?
404
00:28:08,243 --> 00:28:10,244
I'm just saying, I've
seen worse fashion.
405
00:28:10,313 --> 00:28:12,306
Like, remember the time
Byork wore a fricking goose
406
00:28:12,375 --> 00:28:13,273
or whatever to the Oscars?
407
00:28:13,342 --> 00:28:14,748
Now that was fucked up.
408
00:28:14,816 --> 00:28:16,183
You're unbelievable.
409
00:28:16,251 --> 00:28:17,987
He said he's not
going to kill himself.
410
00:28:18,055 --> 00:28:19,449
That's exactly what
someone would say
411
00:28:19,518 --> 00:28:21,751
if they were going
to kill themself.
412
00:28:21,820 --> 00:28:23,256
Sure.
413
00:28:23,325 --> 00:28:25,157
But it's also exactly
what someone would say
414
00:28:25,226 --> 00:28:27,790
who's not going to
kill themselves.
415
00:28:27,859 --> 00:28:29,497
Huh?
416
00:28:29,565 --> 00:28:30,428
Conundrum.
417
00:28:35,300 --> 00:28:38,436
Get in there and fix this,
418
00:28:38,504 --> 00:28:40,669
or find somewhere
else to sleep tonight.
419
00:28:48,651 --> 00:28:49,914
No!
420
00:29:07,500 --> 00:29:11,106
I have tried really
hard to be fair to you.
421
00:29:12,940 --> 00:29:14,069
I almost died up there.
422
00:29:19,781 --> 00:29:21,010
You scared me.
423
00:29:22,912 --> 00:29:25,115
If I had any idea how
to tie a proper knot,
424
00:29:25,183 --> 00:29:26,484
I'd be dead right now.
425
00:29:39,461 --> 00:29:41,499
How, how did you even?
426
00:29:43,467 --> 00:29:45,668
What, did you chew through this?
427
00:29:48,276 --> 00:29:49,974
You're not getting
any monkey cake.
428
00:29:50,043 --> 00:29:51,146
Fuck you!
429
00:29:58,818 --> 00:29:59,918
Steve?
430
00:29:59,987 --> 00:30:01,090
Steve?
431
00:30:03,287 --> 00:30:04,687
Damn, I hate people.
432
00:30:18,772 --> 00:30:19,735
Sh.
433
00:30:21,775 --> 00:30:22,606
Steve?
434
00:30:25,076 --> 00:30:26,847
Hold on.
435
00:30:37,728 --> 00:30:39,392
Why are you in my house?
436
00:30:40,628 --> 00:30:43,192
I thought you were trying
to get our attention.
437
00:30:43,261 --> 00:30:44,627
Well, I wasn't.
438
00:30:44,696 --> 00:30:47,797
Oh my god. You have
scratches on your face.
439
00:30:47,866 --> 00:30:52,269
Oh yeah, that's from the,
that's from the monkey.
440
00:30:52,338 --> 00:30:53,769
He's in a really foul mood.
441
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,776
I don't know what
his problem is.
442
00:30:56,845 --> 00:30:57,608
Where is he?
443
00:30:59,649 --> 00:31:02,814
I sent him to his room to
think about what he had done.
444
00:31:02,883 --> 00:31:03,850
Hm.
445
00:31:03,919 --> 00:31:05,452
Did you spank him?
446
00:31:05,521 --> 00:31:08,685
You know, for being bad,
did you spank your monkey?
447
00:31:11,258 --> 00:31:13,690
We were worried about you.
448
00:31:13,758 --> 00:31:17,859
Can you worry about me
in someone else's house?
449
00:31:20,067 --> 00:31:21,335
We're here for you.
450
00:31:22,102 --> 00:31:25,740
We care about you.
451
00:31:25,809 --> 00:31:28,573
Super.
452
00:31:42,186 --> 00:31:43,723
Mm.
453
00:31:43,792 --> 00:31:44,589
Mm.
454
00:31:53,938 --> 00:31:57,503
So, what's your monkey's name?
455
00:31:59,237 --> 00:32:00,440
Ampersand.
456
00:32:03,340 --> 00:32:04,543
Mm.
457
00:32:08,180 --> 00:32:09,780
Ah, uh, okay.
458
00:32:09,849 --> 00:32:14,850
Uh, Steve, we're worried
about you, uh, apparently.
459
00:32:19,759 --> 00:32:22,056
We want you to know
that we both like you.
460
00:32:22,992 --> 00:32:28,061
You are liked, and
you are a good person.
461
00:32:28,731 --> 00:32:29,997
I mean, probably, I don't know.
462
00:32:31,333 --> 00:32:34,270
Oh, you really shouldn't have
said that arm sweat thing
463
00:32:34,339 --> 00:32:35,705
to Abigail though.
464
00:32:35,774 --> 00:32:37,311
You know, I'm not gonna
get too down on you
465
00:32:37,380 --> 00:32:38,975
because you're going
through this whole
466
00:32:39,044 --> 00:32:40,781
killing yourself thing, but
that was messed up, dude.
467
00:32:40,850 --> 00:32:41,541
I'm just sayin'.
468
00:32:43,045 --> 00:32:44,880
It really was, but, but,
but we like you, a lot.
469
00:32:46,053 --> 00:32:46,882
Whole bunches.
470
00:32:48,292 --> 00:32:51,054
How 'bout some
drinks with the cake?
471
00:32:51,123 --> 00:32:52,391
Mm.
472
00:32:52,460 --> 00:32:54,956
That would be lovely,
Steve. Thank you.
473
00:33:14,380 --> 00:33:17,880
Oh. She's really pretty.
474
00:33:18,983 --> 00:33:21,418
The prettiest
ones are the worst.
475
00:33:21,487 --> 00:33:23,722
He doesn't mean you, Poodle.
476
00:33:23,791 --> 00:33:26,361
Of course I don't mean
her. Why would I mean her?
477
00:33:27,062 --> 00:33:28,429
I said the pretty ones.
478
00:33:32,435 --> 00:33:35,766
So what happened
between you guys?
479
00:33:41,241 --> 00:33:42,977
She ruined my life.
480
00:33:43,045 --> 00:33:44,478
How did she do that?
481
00:33:45,179 --> 00:33:46,111
Doesn't matter.
482
00:33:46,180 --> 00:33:47,107
It does matter.
483
00:33:47,843 --> 00:33:52,420
Because we care.
484
00:33:53,986 --> 00:33:57,051
It just really wasn't any
one thing in particular.
485
00:33:59,028 --> 00:34:00,693
It's like this, okay.
486
00:34:00,762 --> 00:34:03,795
I used to bring her
flowers, and she's beautiful
487
00:34:03,864 --> 00:34:07,402
and so she expects flowers,
like they just appear.
488
00:34:07,471 --> 00:34:10,902
And one day I used my
key that she gave me.
489
00:34:10,971 --> 00:34:14,909
We exchanged keys and I used
my key to leave her flowers.
490
00:34:56,713 --> 00:34:59,014
Ben, you got me flowers?
491
00:35:02,288 --> 00:35:05,124
Yeah. I...
492
00:35:05,193 --> 00:35:06,758
They're gorgeous.
493
00:35:09,296 --> 00:35:10,661
Look, there's a card.
494
00:35:10,730 --> 00:35:13,860
Oh, hey, why
don't you let me uh,
495
00:35:13,929 --> 00:35:15,603
why don't you let me read that
496
00:35:15,671 --> 00:35:18,068
like one of those sexy,
romantic voiceovers, huh?
497
00:35:18,137 --> 00:35:18,968
Okay.
498
00:35:28,444 --> 00:35:33,851
In a desert life, you are
a refreshing, sexy beverage,
499
00:35:35,553 --> 00:35:37,156
like an Arnold Palmer.
500
00:35:37,225 --> 00:35:38,791
Okay.
501
00:35:38,860 --> 00:35:42,123
Or a Sprite that I think
about at night times.
502
00:35:45,066 --> 00:35:46,061
Love, Ben.
503
00:35:47,532 --> 00:35:49,669
That's weird.
504
00:35:50,302 --> 00:35:51,704
Yes.
505
00:35:54,978 --> 00:35:55,774
It is weird.
506
00:35:57,113 --> 00:35:58,146
But it's sweet.
507
00:35:58,215 --> 00:36:01,208
I have to have you, right now.
508
00:36:02,513 --> 00:36:03,711
Right now?
509
00:36:03,780 --> 00:36:05,280
Right this very second.
510
00:36:05,349 --> 00:36:06,180
Okay.
511
00:36:26,339 --> 00:36:27,106
Yeah.
512
00:36:30,145 --> 00:36:32,011
Oh, right there.
513
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:32,910
Yeah.
514
00:36:35,018 --> 00:36:37,984
Holy shit.
515
00:36:38,053 --> 00:36:39,146
Wow.
516
00:36:39,215 --> 00:36:42,123
So you were just under
the, like the whole?
517
00:36:42,192 --> 00:36:44,786
That's really something.
518
00:36:44,855 --> 00:36:46,258
Yeah.
519
00:36:46,327 --> 00:36:47,155
How are the drinks?
520
00:36:48,232 --> 00:36:50,363
They smell funny.
521
00:36:50,432 --> 00:36:52,094
Like not a ha-ha funny, but.
522
00:36:53,303 --> 00:36:54,734
Oh my god, that's strong.
523
00:36:54,802 --> 00:36:57,165
Kind of burns. It
smell like it burns?
524
00:36:58,603 --> 00:37:01,109
Oh, it's a cocktail.
525
00:37:01,177 --> 00:37:03,242
Oh. We don't drink.
526
00:37:03,311 --> 00:37:05,008
Nah. Gave up drinking.
527
00:37:05,908 --> 00:37:07,142
You don't drink at all?
528
00:37:08,346 --> 00:37:09,144
Nope.
529
00:37:09,878 --> 00:37:11,113
Not even wine coolers?
530
00:37:12,116 --> 00:37:14,219
Not even wine coolers.
531
00:37:21,631 --> 00:37:26,832
Can I use your uh,
bathroom?
532
00:37:28,102 --> 00:37:30,737
Oh, oh yeah. Right, right
down the hall to the right.
533
00:37:33,308 --> 00:37:35,137
Thank you.
534
00:37:40,275 --> 00:37:43,616
Dude, she freaks
out about smoke.
535
00:37:43,685 --> 00:37:46,152
You know where
people don't smoke?
536
00:37:46,221 --> 00:37:47,555
Your house.
537
00:37:47,624 --> 00:37:48,985
Dude, just be
chill. We're leaving.
538
00:37:49,054 --> 00:37:51,560
Just give her some peace
of mind so we can go.
539
00:38:00,134 --> 00:38:00,899
Oh, god.
540
00:38:02,165 --> 00:38:04,199
If she asks, you
drank these, okay?
541
00:38:24,821 --> 00:38:27,222
God. This is not good.
542
00:38:28,057 --> 00:38:30,493
It tastes like hate.
543
00:38:30,562 --> 00:38:31,765
I'm burning.
544
00:38:45,109 --> 00:38:48,445
Wait a minute. Why
are you kicking?
545
00:38:48,514 --> 00:38:49,648
I'm sorry.
546
00:38:49,717 --> 00:38:53,087
Ow, stop it!
547
00:38:59,196 --> 00:39:01,161
Oh, man, I'm sick!
548
00:39:01,230 --> 00:39:02,389
Oh my god.
549
00:39:02,457 --> 00:39:04,228
Hurry, grab a towel
from the bathroom.
550
00:39:04,297 --> 00:39:06,398
Go!
551
00:39:06,467 --> 00:39:08,197
Hurry. I know CPR.
552
00:39:10,067 --> 00:39:12,370
Shut up. Shut up.
553
00:39:12,439 --> 00:39:13,539
Where is it?
554
00:39:13,608 --> 00:39:15,737
Oh god, just keep looking.
555
00:39:15,806 --> 00:39:16,772
It's not in here.
556
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:18,310
Look in the closet.
557
00:39:22,686 --> 00:39:24,415
Don't hit me with the
blender, please don't.
558
00:39:32,089 --> 00:39:34,289
I can't find it
anywhere. Rick?
559
00:39:35,461 --> 00:39:36,291
Rick?
560
00:39:52,478 --> 00:39:53,308
Rick?
561
00:40:00,486 --> 00:40:01,316
Rick?
562
00:40:04,259 --> 00:40:05,089
Rick?
563
00:40:06,591 --> 00:40:07,421
Rick?
564
00:40:52,803 --> 00:40:54,006
Okay, okay.
565
00:40:55,042 --> 00:40:57,476
Calm down. Calm down.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
566
00:41:01,681 --> 00:41:03,646
Calm down. Calm down.
567
00:41:03,714 --> 00:41:04,515
Just, shh.
568
00:41:06,421 --> 00:41:07,755
Stop, okay.
569
00:41:07,824 --> 00:41:09,521
Just, I know this
probably looks bad,
570
00:41:09,590 --> 00:41:10,825
but it's gonna be fine.
571
00:41:13,260 --> 00:41:16,164
It's not like I'm collecting
people or anything.
572
00:41:17,499 --> 00:41:18,530
Mia, say something.
573
00:41:20,235 --> 00:41:21,464
Mia.
574
00:41:21,533 --> 00:41:22,397
Mia. Sh.
575
00:41:26,505 --> 00:41:27,336
Mia?
576
00:41:28,309 --> 00:41:29,140
Mia?
577
00:41:42,884 --> 00:41:44,423
Hey.
578
00:41:52,502 --> 00:41:55,465
Oh!
579
00:41:55,534 --> 00:41:56,431
Oh!
580
00:42:00,575 --> 00:42:02,509
What are you doing?
581
00:42:02,578 --> 00:42:04,010
I was saving your life.
582
00:42:05,247 --> 00:42:08,446
What, are you trying to
save me so you can kill me?
583
00:42:08,515 --> 00:42:10,284
No.
584
00:42:11,519 --> 00:42:12,447
Yeah, I guess.
585
00:42:13,489 --> 00:42:15,417
Oh god, who is she?
586
00:42:16,420 --> 00:42:18,386
Is she another girl
that won't date you?
587
00:42:18,455 --> 00:42:22,495
Um, that's the, the
pizza guy's girlfriend.
588
00:42:22,564 --> 00:42:23,595
It's a whole thing.
589
00:42:23,664 --> 00:42:25,393
Listen, how do you feel?
590
00:42:30,099 --> 00:42:32,240
I'll get you some water.
591
00:42:54,589 --> 00:42:57,564
Mia?
You're not home yet?
592
00:42:57,632 --> 00:42:59,065
You give Barry a call.
593
00:42:59,134 --> 00:43:01,298
You let mom, dad know
you are healthy, okay?
594
00:43:01,366 --> 00:43:04,002
Barry is by to check
on the roof at five.
595
00:43:04,071 --> 00:43:06,000
Will also make sure
all is correct.
596
00:43:07,806 --> 00:43:08,635
Who's Barry?
597
00:43:10,177 --> 00:43:13,310
My landlord. We've
been over this.
598
00:43:14,011 --> 00:43:15,246
Landlord Barry.
599
00:43:17,749 --> 00:43:18,579
Band name.
600
00:43:19,381 --> 00:43:21,114
Does he have your key too?
601
00:43:21,183 --> 00:43:23,384
He's my landlord.
602
00:43:23,453 --> 00:43:26,493
Well, great. I'm
gonna have to kill him.
603
00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:28,129
Why would you do that?
604
00:43:28,197 --> 00:43:31,526
Is this, is
this because of the cake?
605
00:43:36,037 --> 00:43:38,536
Call him and tell
him not to come.
606
00:43:38,605 --> 00:43:39,640
No.
607
00:43:39,709 --> 00:43:41,635
Do you not see how this works?
608
00:43:43,244 --> 00:43:46,145
If he comes over here,
I have to kill him.
609
00:43:47,348 --> 00:43:50,144
Have you seen this chick?
Or how 'bout this guy?
610
00:43:50,212 --> 00:43:52,482
This is the pizza guy.
611
00:43:52,550 --> 00:43:55,452
The pizza guy comes
over, I have to kill him.
612
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:59,660
He brings his girlfriend,
I have to kill her.
613
00:43:59,729 --> 00:44:01,560
A bell rings, I kill someone.
614
00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:04,361
You want this Barry guy dead?
615
00:44:05,229 --> 00:44:09,064
Fine. Just let him come over.
616
00:44:09,133 --> 00:44:10,901
Anyone else you want dead?
617
00:44:10,969 --> 00:44:12,534
Just give 'em a ring.
618
00:44:12,603 --> 00:44:14,136
Give 'em a ring and
have 'em come on down
619
00:44:14,205 --> 00:44:15,568
to Garrett's death emporium.
620
00:44:15,637 --> 00:44:17,544
We're having a
half-off sale today.
621
00:44:17,613 --> 00:44:19,344
Everyone must go.
622
00:44:19,412 --> 00:44:22,412
Anyone have Justin
Bieber's number?
623
00:44:29,458 --> 00:44:30,491
Oh, god.
624
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:31,651
worth it.
625
00:44:31,720 --> 00:44:36,360
It was just flour,
sugar and love.
626
00:44:38,393 --> 00:44:40,364
Fine. Give me the phone.
627
00:44:51,481 --> 00:44:52,272
Hello?
628
00:44:52,341 --> 00:44:54,508
Hey Barry, this is Mia.
629
00:44:54,577 --> 00:44:57,313
I got your message,
and I'm okay.
630
00:44:57,381 --> 00:44:59,514
Yeah? Why
didn't you call?
631
00:44:59,583 --> 00:45:02,148
Your mom, dad's
calling me. It's nuts.
632
00:45:02,217 --> 00:45:03,323
Shopping.
633
00:45:03,392 --> 00:45:03,952
What?
634
00:45:04,021 --> 00:45:05,059
Shopping.
635
00:45:06,222 --> 00:45:08,388
I've been shopping.
636
00:45:08,457 --> 00:45:10,625
Barry checks roofs.
637
00:45:10,694 --> 00:45:15,762
Uh, no. Um, don't
come over. I'm naked.
638
00:45:16,803 --> 00:45:17,936
What?
639
00:45:18,005 --> 00:45:19,670
Yeah, I'm shopping naked.
640
00:45:19,739 --> 00:45:23,073
And I'm going to be naked for
the foreseeable future, so,
641
00:45:23,142 --> 00:45:25,075
please, please don't come over
642
00:45:25,144 --> 00:45:27,108
unless you wanna see me naked.
643
00:45:27,177 --> 00:45:28,643
Thanks Barry. Bye.
644
00:45:34,318 --> 00:45:37,184
I hate all of you so much.
645
00:45:37,253 --> 00:45:38,653
You ordered the pizza.
646
00:45:42,123 --> 00:45:43,493
What?
647
00:45:43,561 --> 00:45:45,165
I didn't come here
for the hell of it.
648
00:45:45,234 --> 00:45:47,333
You brought me here.
You ordered the pizza.
649
00:45:47,402 --> 00:45:50,236
I'm not killing you
because you brought a pizza.
650
00:45:50,969 --> 00:45:52,303
That was fine.
651
00:45:52,372 --> 00:45:55,071
I'm killing you
because you came back.
652
00:45:55,140 --> 00:45:56,672
I didn't wanna do that.
653
00:45:56,741 --> 00:45:59,276
Fine then, it's the
sweathog's fault, whatever.
654
00:45:59,344 --> 00:46:01,911
Oh, shit.
655
00:46:01,980 --> 00:46:02,809
You're right.
656
00:46:04,016 --> 00:46:05,212
This is all your fault.
657
00:46:06,816 --> 00:46:09,517
Oh, knock it off. I might
be dead because of you.
658
00:46:09,586 --> 00:46:10,789
At least give me
some peace for once
659
00:46:10,858 --> 00:46:12,460
in your ridiculous life.
660
00:46:13,623 --> 00:46:15,323
What the hell are
you doing, dude?
661
00:46:15,392 --> 00:46:18,791
And you know what? I do drink.
662
00:46:18,860 --> 00:46:22,136
I drink all the time
and it is awesome.
663
00:46:22,204 --> 00:46:24,503
It's how I put up
with you for so long.
664
00:46:24,572 --> 00:46:27,169
But there ain't enough beer
in the world at this point.
665
00:46:27,238 --> 00:46:28,509
You know what I'm saying?
666
00:46:28,578 --> 00:46:29,937
Knock it off.
667
00:46:30,005 --> 00:46:35,380
No. I am so sick of this
shit I could vomit, more.
668
00:46:36,649 --> 00:46:38,151
The next time this little
shit writes a murder note,
669
00:46:38,220 --> 00:46:39,648
it should be about
our relationship.
670
00:46:39,717 --> 00:46:42,886
Because that thing is
deader than a cat box.
671
00:46:44,058 --> 00:46:46,456
And I mean gone, baby, gone.
672
00:46:46,525 --> 00:46:48,928
Which is an awesome
movie, by the way.
673
00:46:48,997 --> 00:46:50,628
You're breaking up with me?
674
00:46:50,697 --> 00:46:53,662
You're breaking up with her
in the middle of all this?
675
00:46:53,731 --> 00:46:56,698
I wanna switch sides
now. Can I do that?
676
00:46:57,734 --> 00:47:01,736
Is this because of
the cake?
677
00:47:07,914 --> 00:47:09,881
Unbelievable.
678
00:47:11,352 --> 00:47:14,453
I have to kill myself
very, very dead,
679
00:47:14,522 --> 00:47:16,551
because of all the guilt
from all the murders I did
680
00:47:16,620 --> 00:47:19,557
in my gang, because
I'm in a gang,
681
00:47:19,625 --> 00:47:22,389
which you probably didn't
know, but it's true.
682
00:47:22,457 --> 00:47:24,495
Damn this thug life!
683
00:47:30,404 --> 00:47:32,268
It was just a
peanut butter party.
684
00:47:32,337 --> 00:47:34,002
Should have been safe as houses,
685
00:47:34,071 --> 00:47:38,343
but I have to commit suicide
now because I feel really bad,
686
00:47:38,412 --> 00:47:41,110
because of all the
dying that happened.
687
00:47:41,179 --> 00:47:42,843
Damn you, E. coli!
688
00:47:47,322 --> 00:47:50,686
I'm not signing
it. It's ridiculous.
689
00:48:14,881 --> 00:48:15,711
Mia?
690
00:48:17,787 --> 00:48:19,385
Mia, where are you?
691
00:48:28,724 --> 00:48:32,662
Mia, this is
disgusting. You are bad.
692
00:48:32,730 --> 00:48:35,665
There is no party
time in Barry's house.
693
00:48:35,733 --> 00:48:38,833
Few people. This is
Barry's house, Mia.
694
00:48:40,301 --> 00:48:41,467
Mia?
695
00:48:55,987 --> 00:48:56,818
Mia?
696
00:49:15,943 --> 00:49:16,871
Lord Jesus.
697
00:49:21,817 --> 00:49:23,180
Stay there.
698
00:49:23,248 --> 00:49:24,846
Simon says no moving.
699
00:49:26,416 --> 00:49:28,322
Stay on the ground.
700
00:49:37,426 --> 00:49:38,997
Stop moving.
701
00:49:39,066 --> 00:49:41,665
Not moving, breathing.
702
00:49:43,004 --> 00:49:44,299
Well, knock it off.
703
00:49:44,368 --> 00:49:45,738
Did you call the police?
704
00:49:45,807 --> 00:49:47,073
No.
705
00:49:47,142 --> 00:49:50,040
What'd you see in the closet?
706
00:49:50,108 --> 00:49:51,707
Nothing.
707
00:49:51,776 --> 00:49:53,880
Then why did you
say "Lord Jesus?"
708
00:49:53,949 --> 00:49:55,349
Because you scared me.
709
00:49:57,752 --> 00:49:59,082
Liar.
710
00:50:09,863 --> 00:50:13,829
That is so just like you
to say some shit like that.
711
00:50:13,898 --> 00:50:16,029
You know this whole
relationship, you've acted like,
712
00:50:16,098 --> 00:50:18,365
just because I live in
your parents' basement
713
00:50:18,434 --> 00:50:19,935
that you own me.
714
00:50:20,004 --> 00:50:22,375
Do you know how that makes
me feel on the inside?
715
00:50:22,444 --> 00:50:27,612
Makes me feel cheap, and
sad. Like an emo song.
716
00:50:28,315 --> 00:50:29,983
I don't wanna be an emo song.
717
00:50:30,052 --> 00:50:31,710
I do not own skinny jeans.
718
00:50:33,949 --> 00:50:36,790
That is a damn lie
and you know it.
719
00:50:47,466 --> 00:50:50,437
Okay, everyone. This is Barry.
720
00:50:51,468 --> 00:50:52,736
I think you know Mia.
721
00:50:54,042 --> 00:50:55,442
That's the pizza guy,
722
00:50:55,511 --> 00:50:57,874
and that is his crazy
annoying girlfriend
723
00:50:57,942 --> 00:51:01,948
who likes monkeys and cake.
724
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:02,950
What was your name?
725
00:51:03,018 --> 00:51:04,347
Oh, it doesn't matter.
726
00:51:05,750 --> 00:51:08,284
Someone gave him
a gun. Awesome.
727
00:51:08,353 --> 00:51:10,252
Where'd you get a gun?
728
00:51:10,321 --> 00:51:11,518
It's Barry's.
729
00:51:12,422 --> 00:51:13,955
Stop crying.
730
00:51:15,763 --> 00:51:18,563
How have you not died from
dehydration at this point?
731
00:51:18,632 --> 00:51:20,665
Or from someone
choking you to death?
732
00:51:20,734 --> 00:51:22,600
Well, believe me,
I've thought about it.
733
00:51:22,669 --> 00:51:24,702
What are
you doing to them?
734
00:51:27,339 --> 00:51:28,839
Whatever I like.
735
00:51:28,908 --> 00:51:31,776
Barry will
kill you from the throat,
736
00:51:31,845 --> 00:51:34,980
and then I will brunch
on you and your testicles
737
00:51:35,049 --> 00:51:36,014
with mint jelly.
738
00:51:37,648 --> 00:51:39,079
What does that even mean?
739
00:51:39,148 --> 00:51:41,285
I will tear your
tendons from their parts.
740
00:51:41,354 --> 00:51:44,150
Just shut up.
741
00:51:45,153 --> 00:51:47,055
I mean, I could
shoot you right now.
742
00:51:47,124 --> 00:51:51,164
Oh, if you shoot me, the
neighbors will call the police,
743
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:52,497
and then the police will come
744
00:51:52,566 --> 00:51:54,160
and make much
holes in your body.
745
00:51:54,228 --> 00:51:57,199
Seriously, I need
you to stop talking.
746
00:51:57,268 --> 00:51:58,069
Huh.
747
00:52:01,769 --> 00:52:03,272
I think Abigail...
748
00:52:03,340 --> 00:52:04,606
Abigail.
749
00:52:04,675 --> 00:52:06,875
I think Abigail will calm down
750
00:52:06,944 --> 00:52:09,948
if you take the gag
out of her mouth.
751
00:52:10,017 --> 00:52:11,016
No.
752
00:52:11,084 --> 00:52:12,119
No way.
753
00:52:13,915 --> 00:52:15,885
I am going to watch you die,
754
00:52:15,954 --> 00:52:18,322
and it'll make me very
happy to see the worms
755
00:52:18,391 --> 00:52:20,054
flirting with your corpse.
756
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:23,130
I will shoot you in the face
757
00:52:23,199 --> 00:52:26,231
if you do not shut your mouth.
758
00:52:26,300 --> 00:52:27,930
Go ahead, slime weasel.
759
00:52:28,867 --> 00:52:30,902
And I hope my blood
splatters all over you,
760
00:52:30,971 --> 00:52:34,001
and you can not remove my
sticky brains from your hairs,
761
00:52:34,070 --> 00:52:35,939
and the flies make
a home in your head
762
00:52:36,007 --> 00:52:39,044
and lay eggs in your
marrow and eat your bones
763
00:52:39,113 --> 00:52:40,481
from the inside!
764
00:52:42,350 --> 00:52:45,453
Holy shit.
765
00:52:49,091 --> 00:52:50,458
No crying or screaming.
766
00:52:54,522 --> 00:52:55,529
Great.
767
00:52:58,830 --> 00:53:01,831
Listen, dude, I've
been thinking,
768
00:53:01,900 --> 00:53:04,769
you really don't need
four hostages, you know?
769
00:53:04,838 --> 00:53:07,271
It's just more people
to worry about, right?
770
00:53:07,340 --> 00:53:08,740
So keep the girls,
771
00:53:08,809 --> 00:53:10,177
let me walk on outta here.
772
00:53:10,246 --> 00:53:11,840
Hell, I'll help out, you know,
773
00:53:11,909 --> 00:53:13,908
tighten the security
in this bitch.
774
00:53:13,977 --> 00:53:17,078
I don't need
help. You need help.
775
00:53:21,290 --> 00:53:23,722
Your landlord is just psychotic.
776
00:53:24,392 --> 00:53:26,626
You're running out of chairs.
777
00:53:38,272 --> 00:53:40,140
Put this on.
778
00:53:49,184 --> 00:53:51,045
Are you kidding me?
779
00:53:51,114 --> 00:53:52,846
Like you've never
been taken hostage
780
00:53:52,915 --> 00:53:54,583
and held at gunpoint before.
781
00:53:54,652 --> 00:53:56,517
Really?
782
00:53:56,586 --> 00:53:59,054
No? Just me.
783
00:53:59,790 --> 00:54:01,960
Shut your woman up or I will.
784
00:54:02,996 --> 00:54:06,963
Steve, Steve, there's
no need for, for firearms.
785
00:54:07,031 --> 00:54:10,236
Hey, come on, we're,
we're a team, Steve.
786
00:54:10,304 --> 00:54:11,968
His name is Garrett.
787
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,873
Steve, I think is an alias?
788
00:54:17,005 --> 00:54:19,178
I wanna thank you for that.
789
00:54:19,247 --> 00:54:20,647
You're welcome.
790
00:54:22,349 --> 00:54:23,310
Dude, you lied to me?
791
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:27,086
I bet you don't even
own a monkey, do you?
792
00:54:28,951 --> 00:54:30,290
I'm gonna name
a bleeding ulcer
793
00:54:30,359 --> 00:54:32,454
after each and every one of you.
794
00:54:32,523 --> 00:54:33,561
Two for you.
795
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:38,599
Stop looking at me.
796
00:55:06,626 --> 00:55:08,924
Whoa.
797
00:55:08,993 --> 00:55:10,662
Jesus, what the,
what the fuck, man?
798
00:55:10,731 --> 00:55:12,195
You
ruined everything.
799
00:55:12,264 --> 00:55:13,600
What?
800
00:55:13,669 --> 00:55:16,098
Just stop. Garrett, stop
it right now. Jesus!
801
00:55:16,166 --> 00:55:19,036
You stole my flowers
and did sex on me.
802
00:55:19,105 --> 00:55:20,703
Yeah, well if you don't
want sex done on you,
803
00:55:20,772 --> 00:55:22,036
don't break into people's homes
804
00:55:22,105 --> 00:55:23,974
and hide under
their bed, creepy.
805
00:55:25,312 --> 00:55:26,240
You knew?
806
00:55:27,177 --> 00:55:29,375
Yeah, I knew. I
was extra bouncy.
807
00:55:30,417 --> 00:55:31,350
I'm moving out.
808
00:55:31,418 --> 00:55:32,985
Well, good for you.
809
00:55:33,053 --> 00:55:35,586
Me and Mia are moving in
together, so keep the house.
810
00:55:35,655 --> 00:55:37,819
We're gonna have so much sex.
811
00:55:37,888 --> 00:55:38,986
Whoa!
812
00:55:39,054 --> 00:55:40,561
Stop.
813
00:55:40,630 --> 00:55:42,760
Garrett, would you
stop it right now.
814
00:55:42,829 --> 00:55:44,698
That's it, I'm
gonna kick your ass.
815
00:55:44,767 --> 00:55:46,192
You better check your
damn insurance policy
816
00:55:46,261 --> 00:55:48,266
to make sure it
covers ass-kicking.
817
00:55:48,334 --> 00:55:49,602
Oh yeah?
818
00:55:49,671 --> 00:55:50,700
What're you
gonna do with that?
819
00:55:50,769 --> 00:55:51,833
Huh? You gonna hit me with that?
820
00:55:51,902 --> 00:55:54,074
Come on.
821
00:56:13,856 --> 00:56:15,289
Oh, this is not good.
822
00:57:13,921 --> 00:57:18,490
So, we are going to
discuss the possibility,
823
00:57:18,559 --> 00:57:19,858
the very real possibility
824
00:57:19,927 --> 00:57:22,521
of me letting
everyone go, perhaps.
825
00:57:22,590 --> 00:57:25,161
Without and, and this
is really key, okay?
826
00:57:25,229 --> 00:57:28,032
Without me getting into
any trouble whatsoever.
827
00:57:29,503 --> 00:57:31,503
Speaking duck. Okay?
828
00:57:31,571 --> 00:57:33,173
Whoever has the duck...
829
00:57:33,242 --> 00:57:34,071
Whomever.
830
00:57:35,143 --> 00:57:35,902
What?
831
00:57:35,971 --> 00:57:37,371
Whomever has the duck.
832
00:57:38,476 --> 00:57:39,307
Right.
833
00:57:40,277 --> 00:57:44,244
Whomever has the
duck has the floor.
834
00:57:44,312 --> 00:57:46,448
You're actually
gonna let us go?
835
00:57:46,517 --> 00:57:47,848
Yeah.
836
00:57:47,917 --> 00:57:49,216
Well everyone but Barry.
837
00:57:49,285 --> 00:57:51,820
Barry has seen too
much, so Barry's boned.
838
00:57:51,888 --> 00:57:53,388
What did Barry see?
839
00:57:53,457 --> 00:57:55,726
Barry has seen a
hundred-fold times your death,
840
00:57:55,795 --> 00:57:57,929
delivered by the hands of Barry.
841
00:57:57,998 --> 00:58:00,696
Damn it, Barry, this
is why no one likes you.
842
00:58:00,765 --> 00:58:02,230
That was really creepy.
843
00:58:02,299 --> 00:58:04,832
Okay, and, you did
not have the duck.
844
00:58:04,901 --> 00:58:06,568
Give me the duck.
845
00:58:06,637 --> 00:58:08,335
No, you're just gonna say
things about killing me again.
846
00:58:08,404 --> 00:58:11,304
I have additions,
addendums, modification,
847
00:58:11,373 --> 00:58:13,307
Bible references, which
I will list to you
848
00:58:13,376 --> 00:58:16,782
if you give Barry
the fucking duck.
849
00:58:16,851 --> 00:58:18,819
You're not getting
the damn duck.
850
00:58:20,554 --> 00:58:21,448
May I have the duck?
851
00:58:23,491 --> 00:58:25,023
Yeah. Yes, you may.
852
00:58:25,759 --> 00:58:27,421
I mean, how hard
is that, really?
853
00:58:31,593 --> 00:58:36,100
I think we should go
on the honor system.
854
00:58:36,169 --> 00:58:39,539
We can swear not to
tell anyone about you.
855
00:58:39,608 --> 00:58:43,338
We, we can pinky swear.
856
00:58:45,711 --> 00:58:47,511
That's not gonna work.
857
00:58:47,579 --> 00:58:48,409
Why not?
858
00:58:54,588 --> 00:58:56,284
Thank you. Why not?
859
00:58:56,353 --> 00:58:58,518
Because if I had
poisoned and tied up
860
00:58:58,587 --> 00:59:01,525
and tried to hang me,
I would tell on me.
861
00:59:11,506 --> 00:59:13,206
How 'bout this?
862
00:59:13,275 --> 00:59:16,603
How about you hook us each up
with a gallon or two of water,
863
00:59:16,672 --> 00:59:20,778
maybe some straws, then hop
on a plane and bomb away
864
00:59:20,847 --> 00:59:22,883
to a non-extradition country.
865
00:59:22,952 --> 00:59:25,651
Then when you land,
you can call the cops
866
00:59:25,720 --> 00:59:27,349
and tell them where we are.
867
00:59:28,184 --> 00:59:29,582
Seems pretty solid, brother.
868
00:59:33,293 --> 00:59:37,590
Name for me please some
non-extradition countries.
869
00:59:45,438 --> 00:59:48,401
I'm not sure, but I feel
pretty good about Venezuela
870
00:59:48,469 --> 00:59:51,840
or Vancouver,
definitely a V country.
871
00:59:51,909 --> 00:59:53,476
Maybe the Vatican?
872
00:59:53,544 --> 00:59:56,413
How is it that you don't know
Vancouver is not a country?
873
00:59:56,481 --> 00:59:58,546
They didn't actually teach
geography at my school,
874
00:59:58,615 --> 01:00:01,515
and I'm a little sensitive
about it, to be honest.
875
01:00:03,421 --> 01:00:07,686
Mia, you've been
awfully quiet. Any ideas?
876
01:00:08,889 --> 01:00:11,730
You think I'd walk outta here
and leave you to kill Barry?
877
01:00:11,799 --> 01:00:14,600
Well, we told him not to come.
878
01:00:14,668 --> 01:00:16,194
How is this my fault?
879
01:00:16,263 --> 01:00:17,630
It's moot anyway.
880
01:00:17,698 --> 01:00:20,867
Ben's gonna be back soon
and he's gonna end this.
881
01:00:20,936 --> 01:00:21,975
Ben.
882
01:00:26,649 --> 01:00:28,740
Ben has only ever let you down.
883
01:00:29,677 --> 01:00:32,216
I promise you, he's
not gonna change today.
884
01:00:35,724 --> 01:00:38,123
Fine. You guys can all just die.
885
01:00:38,192 --> 01:00:40,660
Well, hang on. I,
I can live like that.
886
01:00:40,729 --> 01:00:42,357
And she didn't have the duck.
887
01:00:42,426 --> 01:00:44,160
It doesn't count if she
didn't have the duck.
888
01:00:44,229 --> 01:00:46,158
And I thought of
another one, Indonesia.
889
01:00:46,227 --> 01:00:47,561
You could learn to surf.
890
01:00:48,668 --> 01:00:50,202
Dammit, lady.
891
01:00:50,271 --> 01:00:53,004
I mean, I respect the
balls and all, but come on.
892
01:00:53,072 --> 01:00:56,137
Barry's old, he's
had a good life.
893
01:00:56,206 --> 01:00:57,877
Barry's had a terrible life.
894
01:00:57,946 --> 01:01:00,344
Barry's mostly duct
tape and rebar.
895
01:01:00,412 --> 01:01:03,176
See, all the more
reason. He's ready to go.
896
01:01:03,244 --> 01:01:04,780
Barry wants to live.
897
01:01:04,849 --> 01:01:06,052
Dammit, Barry.
898
01:01:06,952 --> 01:01:08,451
What did you see, Barry?
899
01:01:09,554 --> 01:01:12,390
I saw the death of
someone's life in your closet.
900
01:01:12,459 --> 01:01:13,290
What?
901
01:01:19,665 --> 01:01:20,594
Barry.
902
01:01:21,667 --> 01:01:22,633
Barry.
903
01:01:22,702 --> 01:01:24,336
Hmm?
904
01:01:24,405 --> 01:01:25,701
Those aren't real handcuffs.
There's a safety release.
905
01:01:25,770 --> 01:01:26,600
Hmm?
906
01:01:27,476 --> 01:01:28,404
Chicks, man.
907
01:01:31,139 --> 01:01:32,177
Am I right?
908
01:01:35,016 --> 01:01:37,578
How did you put up
with her all that time?
909
01:01:39,188 --> 01:01:40,882
I guess maybe cheating
on her constantly helped,
910
01:01:40,951 --> 01:01:41,989
I don't know.
911
01:01:44,020 --> 01:01:44,992
You wanna smoke?
912
01:01:47,087 --> 01:01:48,094
No?
913
01:01:49,460 --> 01:01:52,562
Yeah, good call, they're
bad for your health.
914
01:01:52,630 --> 01:01:57,532
You see what I did
there? 'Cause you're dead.
915
01:01:59,100 --> 01:02:02,636
Man, your sense of humor just
went to shit after you died.
916
01:02:05,779 --> 01:02:06,640
No, you're right.
917
01:02:08,347 --> 01:02:10,644
Of course you are.
I gotta talk to her.
918
01:02:12,650 --> 01:02:15,517
I can't leave it like this
with her all mad at me.
919
01:02:17,589 --> 01:02:21,521
You know, you're a shitty
comedian since you died, right?
920
01:02:21,590 --> 01:02:24,658
But you are a damn
fine listener.
921
01:02:26,863 --> 01:02:32,270
Okay, well, let's
get you back in your closet.
922
01:02:41,843 --> 01:02:45,046
Okay guys, I think we got
a little off track here,
923
01:02:45,115 --> 01:02:47,213
and I blame myself.
924
01:02:47,282 --> 01:02:48,451
What are you doing?
925
01:02:51,526 --> 01:02:52,323
Wait.
926
01:02:53,824 --> 01:02:54,688
Where's?
927
01:03:00,830 --> 01:03:03,829
All of your nervous
system are now belong to us.
928
01:03:11,779 --> 01:03:14,173
You're too violent, man.
929
01:03:16,811 --> 01:03:19,651
No. What did you
do? What did you do?
930
01:03:21,216 --> 01:03:21,982
Tie him up!
931
01:03:22,051 --> 01:03:23,090
No!
932
01:03:23,788 --> 01:03:24,991
No!
933
01:03:25,059 --> 01:03:28,354
Barry! Barry!
Fuck!
934
01:03:28,422 --> 01:03:30,394
I can't feel my face.
935
01:03:37,332 --> 01:03:39,106
Garrett, stop it!
936
01:04:15,437 --> 01:04:17,771
I better go talk to him.
937
01:04:21,447 --> 01:04:25,482
Hey, little kid. Little
kid, hold up. Hold up.
938
01:04:28,516 --> 01:04:29,815
Did you wanna come inside?
939
01:04:29,884 --> 01:04:32,489
We are having a
great time in there.
940
01:04:32,557 --> 01:04:34,854
We've got cake inside.
It's monkey cake.
941
01:04:35,896 --> 01:04:37,496
I have to get home.
942
01:04:37,565 --> 01:04:39,298
Hey, your mom's not gonna
care, just let's ,
943
01:04:41,996 --> 01:04:43,562
let's go inside and
give her a call, okay?
944
01:04:43,631 --> 01:04:46,300
Come on. Let's go, sweet pea.
945
01:04:46,369 --> 01:04:48,802
Just give her a,
946
01:04:51,546 --> 01:04:52,377
Ah.
947
01:04:53,808 --> 01:04:56,810
We're
making pie inside.
948
01:04:58,885 --> 01:05:00,416
It's cherry pie.
949
01:05:00,485 --> 01:05:02,955
Look, and we're
playing paintball.
950
01:05:04,324 --> 01:05:07,826
It's a
blast man, come on.
951
01:05:07,895 --> 01:05:08,888
I'm not gonna hurt you.
952
01:05:09,993 --> 01:05:10,827
Come on.
953
01:05:11,763 --> 01:05:14,567
- Listen, I need to get inside.
- Help, help. Let go.
954
01:05:14,636 --> 01:05:15,466
Hey!
955
01:05:17,338 --> 01:05:19,833
Nothing, nothing
weird going on here.
956
01:05:21,270 --> 01:05:22,308
We're fine.
957
01:05:29,279 --> 01:05:31,251
Shut that fucking door!
958
01:05:31,319 --> 01:05:34,716
I still have the gun.
Remember the gun?
959
01:05:40,795 --> 01:05:43,190
Hey.
960
01:06:13,994 --> 01:06:15,361
What just happened?
961
01:06:15,429 --> 01:06:17,961
I think he's Al Qaeda
or Taliban, maybe Cobra.
962
01:06:18,030 --> 01:06:19,064
I don't know.
963
01:06:19,133 --> 01:06:20,795
No one is gonna hurt you.
964
01:06:20,864 --> 01:06:23,270
I promise, everything
is gonna be just fine.
965
01:06:57,971 --> 01:06:58,971
Holy shit.
966
01:06:59,040 --> 01:07:00,603
You just hit that lady.
967
01:07:00,672 --> 01:07:03,042
She just, she
came out of nowhere.
968
01:07:03,111 --> 01:07:04,576
No, no, she was on the lawn
969
01:07:04,644 --> 01:07:06,940
and then you drove up on
the lawn and you hit her.
970
01:07:09,914 --> 01:07:13,380
I know, it's
crazy, right? Who does that?
971
01:07:13,449 --> 01:07:16,048
Listen, call the police.
972
01:07:16,117 --> 01:07:18,655
I think I have a first
aid kit in my trunk.
973
01:07:21,029 --> 01:07:23,693
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
974
01:07:23,761 --> 01:07:26,563
Oh holy sugar. Okay,
this isn't the good.
975
01:07:26,632 --> 01:07:28,000
Think she'll need
the first aid kit?
976
01:07:28,069 --> 01:07:29,033
I don't know, I think...
977
01:07:30,867 --> 01:07:33,967
Jogging. Is. Bad.
For. Your. Health.
978
01:09:46,006 --> 01:09:46,565
Hey!
979
01:09:49,970 --> 01:09:52,578
Hey neighbor. You hungry?
980
01:10:25,844 --> 01:10:29,582
All right you Swedish
dick hole, it's on.
981
01:10:42,491 --> 01:10:43,288
Whoa.
982
01:10:47,165 --> 01:10:48,929
No. Nah.
983
01:10:55,742 --> 01:10:58,677
I didn't know that
IKEA made people.
984
01:11:00,245 --> 01:11:01,075
Sorry.
985
01:11:01,776 --> 01:11:03,610
All right, try to...
986
01:11:04,678 --> 01:11:05,717
Whoa.
987
01:11:06,449 --> 01:11:07,916
Damn.
988
01:11:11,021 --> 01:11:13,823
You seeing
this, bookshelf?
989
01:11:23,569 --> 01:11:26,434
Wow.
990
01:11:31,279 --> 01:11:34,347
That wasn't cool.
991
01:12:19,285 --> 01:12:21,056
We need to have
a conversation.
992
01:12:28,402 --> 01:12:31,902
No. No!
993
01:12:35,875 --> 01:12:39,679
I wanted to tell you,
just before you die,
994
01:12:42,046 --> 01:12:44,047
I want you to know
you deserve this.
995
01:12:45,017 --> 01:12:46,277
'Cause other people,
they probably didn't,
996
01:12:46,346 --> 01:12:48,215
but you killed
them just the same.
997
01:12:50,185 --> 01:12:53,352
I hope you know
you're a murderer.
998
01:12:56,757 --> 01:12:57,992
No, no.
999
01:12:58,061 --> 01:13:01,899
You know, still,
I forgive you.
1000
01:13:18,178 --> 01:13:20,078
Why are you doing all this?
1001
01:13:20,147 --> 01:13:23,382
Why? You wanted a monster?
1002
01:13:24,558 --> 01:13:26,319
Look at me, now you've got one.
1003
01:13:27,154 --> 01:13:28,926
I'm gonna out-beast even you.
1004
01:13:30,495 --> 01:13:32,160
Pay attention.
1005
01:13:33,928 --> 01:13:35,328
This is where I begin.
1006
01:13:37,070 --> 01:13:40,333
Oh, uh, you um, killed
your boyfriend, by the way.
1007
01:13:43,441 --> 01:13:45,078
Ben.
1008
01:13:45,146 --> 01:13:46,379
Ben? Ben.
1009
01:13:46,448 --> 01:13:48,913
Oh, yeah you drowned him.
1010
01:13:49,679 --> 01:13:51,148
You're crazy.
1011
01:13:51,217 --> 01:13:52,484
What?
1012
01:13:52,553 --> 01:13:57,218
It's right here on page two.
1013
01:13:59,994 --> 01:14:03,124
"It was just a lover's
quarrel that got out of hand,"
1014
01:14:03,193 --> 01:14:06,359
because you are a
cheating asshole.
1015
01:14:09,067 --> 01:14:11,396
"I didn't mean to
brain him to death
1016
01:14:11,465 --> 01:14:16,875
with my metaphorical
abstract fucking rabbit.
1017
01:14:18,078 --> 01:14:20,813
But I totally did, and now he's
dead and it's all my fault."
1018
01:14:21,948 --> 01:14:23,712
Anyway, that's just
one of the drafts.
1019
01:14:23,781 --> 01:14:26,213
I've got others. You see?
1020
01:14:26,282 --> 01:14:29,722
Anyway, I told you that
you're the crazy one.
1021
01:14:29,791 --> 01:14:32,491
I thought
we were friends.
1022
01:14:32,560 --> 01:14:35,591
I thought we were in love.
1023
01:14:35,660 --> 01:14:36,994
I thought we were...
1024
01:14:40,532 --> 01:14:42,432
Any way, um.
1025
01:14:46,237 --> 01:14:47,939
I'm gonna need your
John Hancock on this,
1026
01:14:48,007 --> 01:14:52,376
just uh right here,
at the bottom, okay?
1027
01:14:52,445 --> 01:14:56,314
No!
1028
01:14:56,383 --> 01:14:57,311
Wait. No?
1029
01:14:58,251 --> 01:14:59,083
Really?
1030
01:15:00,320 --> 01:15:04,021
Okay, well you just killed the
girl that won't stop crying.
1031
01:15:04,919 --> 01:15:05,957
You did that.
1032
01:15:07,359 --> 01:15:08,689
Oh no.
1033
01:15:08,757 --> 01:15:09,994
Oh, um,
1034
01:15:12,997 --> 01:15:15,032
don't fall until
I get back, okay?
1035
01:15:17,305 --> 01:15:18,431
Just a minute.
1036
01:15:29,546 --> 01:15:30,513
Hey.
1037
01:15:30,582 --> 01:15:32,449
Whatcha doin'?
1038
01:15:32,517 --> 01:15:33,748
Shut up.
1039
01:15:36,754 --> 01:15:38,384
Hey, you shut up too.
1040
01:15:38,453 --> 01:15:41,626
Don't worry, Poodle.
He's not gonna kill you.
1041
01:15:41,695 --> 01:15:43,592
Did you just call me Poodle?
1042
01:15:43,661 --> 01:15:44,457
Yes, I did.
1043
01:15:46,394 --> 01:15:47,899
Do you wanna
get back together?
1044
01:15:47,968 --> 01:15:50,667
Focus, lady. I'm
about to kill you.
1045
01:15:50,736 --> 01:15:53,235
He hasn't killed anyone.
1046
01:15:54,172 --> 01:15:57,002
Even if he tried to kill
you, you'll be fine.
1047
01:15:57,071 --> 01:15:58,404
If he were a newspaper,
1048
01:15:58,473 --> 01:16:01,441
his permanent headline
would be "Fail."
1049
01:16:01,510 --> 01:16:03,747
There are two pretty
fucking dead people
1050
01:16:03,816 --> 01:16:04,878
up in that hallway right now.
1051
01:16:04,947 --> 01:16:05,978
I think they'd disagree.
1052
01:16:06,047 --> 01:16:07,714
Ah, I don't know.
1053
01:16:07,783 --> 01:16:10,851
Probably you just found 'em
dead and brought 'em in here.
1054
01:16:10,920 --> 01:16:11,986
Found 'em dead?
1055
01:16:12,055 --> 01:16:14,290
Sure. People die all the time.
1056
01:16:14,359 --> 01:16:17,328
Stands to reason you might
trip across one or two.
1057
01:16:17,397 --> 01:16:22,366
I once knew a guy, died while
performing CPR on an old lady.
1058
01:16:22,435 --> 01:16:23,232
Irony.
1059
01:16:24,000 --> 01:16:25,898
Well, what about Barry?
1060
01:16:25,967 --> 01:16:27,137
Barry's dead.
1061
01:16:28,575 --> 01:16:29,909
I don't think so.
1062
01:16:31,346 --> 01:16:32,738
Barry's old.
1063
01:16:32,807 --> 01:16:35,447
He probably just needed a
nap after kicking your ass.
1064
01:16:35,516 --> 01:16:37,380
I kicked his ass.
1065
01:16:37,448 --> 01:16:41,447
Nah. You couldn't
even beat up an old man.
1066
01:16:41,516 --> 01:16:44,319
There's no way you
could kill anyone.
1067
01:16:45,652 --> 01:16:47,625
You don't think
I can kill anyone?
1068
01:16:47,693 --> 01:16:49,489
Not a soul, sunbeam.
1069
01:16:55,636 --> 01:16:57,501
Let's find out together.
1070
01:17:12,550 --> 01:17:14,914
Oh, so we're taking a bath
now. That's a little weird.
1071
01:17:23,630 --> 01:17:25,261
Ah, that is cold.
1072
01:17:26,363 --> 01:17:30,331
Ah, this is cold.
This is cold water.
1073
01:17:30,400 --> 01:17:34,606
If we could make that
warm. I'm very cold now.
1074
01:17:40,508 --> 01:17:42,376
Whoa, whoa, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
1075
01:17:42,445 --> 01:17:45,415
Uh, see this is why you
need me on your side.
1076
01:17:45,484 --> 01:17:49,387
That there's a GFCI outlet,
and it'll trip the circuit
1077
01:17:49,456 --> 01:17:51,584
like a 30th of a second after
you toss that thing in here
1078
01:17:51,653 --> 01:17:56,589
with me so, can't kill
me like that.
1079
01:17:58,060 --> 01:17:59,130
Let's find out.
1080
01:18:04,970 --> 01:18:08,003
Oh, fuck me running.
1081
01:18:16,479 --> 01:18:21,515
Oh, worst 30th of a
second ever.
1082
01:18:31,630 --> 01:18:32,460
What?
1083
01:18:33,997 --> 01:18:35,628
Oh, oh shit. Geez.
1084
01:18:43,373 --> 01:18:46,408
Oh shit, you're
gonna make me die.
1085
01:18:47,478 --> 01:18:51,681
That's not very nice.
That's not very nice.
1086
01:18:54,850 --> 01:18:56,318
Ta-da.
1087
01:18:56,387 --> 01:18:58,557
Have a good feeling this
is gonna be the one.
1088
01:18:58,626 --> 01:19:00,521
Oh, come on. Come on.
1089
01:19:12,866 --> 01:19:18,275
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
1090
01:19:22,410 --> 01:19:24,413
Not the fucking blender again.
1091
01:20:04,317 --> 01:20:05,855
There you are.
1092
01:20:05,924 --> 01:20:07,452
Sorry that took so long.
1093
01:20:07,521 --> 01:20:09,392
Pizza guy just didn't wanna die.
1094
01:20:10,524 --> 01:20:11,797
So are you gonna
sign the letter,
1095
01:20:11,866 --> 01:20:13,528
or should I kill someone else?
1096
01:20:16,834 --> 01:20:17,664
Thank you.
1097
01:20:18,935 --> 01:20:19,732
Okay.
1098
01:20:58,842 --> 01:20:59,772
Come.
1099
01:23:06,300 --> 01:23:07,637
Hey, kids?
1100
01:23:08,740 --> 01:23:12,806
Oh, come on, let's play a little
game of duck, duck murder.
1101
01:23:39,568 --> 01:23:41,934
It'll break. It'll break.
1102
01:23:44,075 --> 01:23:44,937
It'll break.
1103
01:24:29,216 --> 01:24:31,185
You know, you kinda have
to appreciate the irony
1104
01:24:31,254 --> 01:24:32,622
in all this.
1105
01:24:32,690 --> 01:24:34,821
You came here to make
sure I didn't die,
1106
01:24:34,890 --> 01:24:37,495
and here I am making
sure that you do.
1107
01:24:38,830 --> 01:24:42,665
I mean, maybe that's not
irony, but it is something.
1108
01:24:43,933 --> 01:24:47,103
We could ask your
boyfriend, maybe he'd know.
1109
01:24:47,172 --> 01:24:49,474
Oh, you know what?
1110
01:24:49,542 --> 01:24:51,872
I kinda fried his ass
a few minutes ago.
1111
01:25:10,862 --> 01:25:16,061
It was, it was a GFCI outlet,
eh, can't kill me like that.
1112
01:25:26,244 --> 01:25:28,073
Okay. God, let's go.
1113
01:25:29,880 --> 01:25:34,013
How 'bout
just rest for a sec?
1114
01:25:35,783 --> 01:25:37,089
We gotta get you to a doctor.
1115
01:25:37,158 --> 01:25:39,183
Ah, don't worry about me.
1116
01:25:40,522 --> 01:25:42,054
Go get Abi. Get Abi.
1117
01:25:44,129 --> 01:25:45,897
Okay. Okay.
1118
01:25:45,966 --> 01:25:47,098
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1119
01:25:47,167 --> 01:25:48,830
You wanna take my blender?
1120
01:25:50,234 --> 01:25:51,129
I'm good.
1121
01:25:54,269 --> 01:25:55,772
Okay.
1122
01:25:55,841 --> 01:26:00,710
There's a, you
got a bicycle chain on the,
1123
01:26:03,115 --> 01:26:04,945
oh shit, oh.
1124
01:26:06,345 --> 01:26:09,818
Don't worry, dude. We're
gonna get you outta here.
1125
01:26:15,225 --> 01:26:16,788
Whoo.
1126
01:26:16,857 --> 01:26:17,921
Did you actually come up here
1127
01:26:17,990 --> 01:26:19,795
thinking there was a way out?
1128
01:26:20,760 --> 01:26:22,066
Yeah, there's not.
1129
01:26:22,135 --> 01:26:23,767
There's no way out.
1130
01:26:23,836 --> 01:26:27,906
No hope for you and all
your tears.
1131
01:26:27,975 --> 01:26:29,035
I can, wait.
1132
01:26:32,473 --> 01:26:37,111
Yeah, you know, it's just you
and me and death makes three.
1133
01:26:38,114 --> 01:26:40,684
Also that little crippled
kid with the glasses.
1134
01:26:57,837 --> 01:27:01,606
I swear, I don't know why I put
off killing you for so long.
1135
01:27:01,675 --> 01:27:05,241
Killing you is gonna
be the most fun since,
1136
01:27:05,310 --> 01:27:07,139
well, probably ever.
1137
01:27:46,516 --> 01:27:48,180
You guys are the worst.
1138
01:28:00,694 --> 01:28:01,798
You guys okay?
1139
01:28:05,601 --> 01:28:06,836
I've been better.
1140
01:28:09,636 --> 01:28:11,973
Oh, them.
1141
01:28:12,672 --> 01:28:14,040
Of course.
1142
01:28:14,109 --> 01:28:16,615
Of course you wouldn't
be asking how I'm doing.
1143
01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:18,749
Drop the shovel.
1144
01:28:19,382 --> 01:28:20,616
Or what?
1145
01:28:20,685 --> 01:28:22,546
Ow, ow!
1146
01:28:22,615 --> 01:28:23,954
Ah!
1147
01:28:24,023 --> 01:28:25,090
Ah!
1148
01:28:31,294 --> 01:28:33,994
I'm gonna sleep in your
skin tonight, like a tauntaun.
1149
01:28:38,202 --> 01:28:39,033
Ah! Uh.
1150
01:28:49,379 --> 01:28:50,209
What now?
1151
01:28:52,616 --> 01:28:54,114
I'll think of something.
1152
01:28:57,256 --> 01:28:58,052
And it'll hurt.
1153
01:29:08,335 --> 01:29:10,431
This is all your fault.
1154
01:29:10,500 --> 01:29:14,072
All this chaos,
1155
01:29:14,141 --> 01:29:14,970
all the death,
1156
01:29:16,209 --> 01:29:17,071
this is on you.
1157
01:29:50,240 --> 01:29:52,705
You got a little something
right, one right here.
1158
01:29:52,774 --> 01:29:53,840
Let me get that for you.
1159
01:31:36,947 --> 01:31:39,147
I'm gonna need
you to sign this.
1160
01:32:02,437 --> 01:32:05,238
Who just bombs in here,
starts killing folk,
1161
01:32:05,307 --> 01:32:07,339
and even brings a few
of his own dead people,
1162
01:32:07,408 --> 01:32:09,279
like a, like a bag
lunch or something?
1163
01:32:09,348 --> 01:32:12,417
I'm like, "Stop killing folk.
They, they don't like that.
1164
01:32:12,485 --> 01:32:13,852
You know, just stop."
1165
01:32:13,920 --> 01:32:16,851
And then he, he axes
himself in the face.
1166
01:32:16,920 --> 01:32:18,456
And then he hung himself.
1167
01:32:18,524 --> 01:32:20,557
Right. Right after.
1168
01:32:20,626 --> 01:32:22,252
- Shame.
- Yeah.
1169
01:32:22,321 --> 01:32:24,425
Why the ax and the hanging?
1170
01:32:24,494 --> 01:32:27,391
Um, well, I guess he believed
that anything worth doing
1171
01:32:27,459 --> 01:32:30,596
was worth doing
right.
1172
01:32:30,665 --> 01:32:32,101
Hm.
1173
01:32:32,170 --> 01:32:34,499
Well, we were having
a peanut butter party,
1174
01:32:34,567 --> 01:32:37,903
and he just showed up, I
didn't even invite him.
1175
01:32:37,972 --> 01:32:39,539
Terrible manners.
1176
01:32:39,607 --> 01:32:41,573
Yeah, I mean mayonnaise
party, go ahead and just,
1177
01:32:41,642 --> 01:32:44,844
you know, uninvited, that's
fine, but peanut butter.
1178
01:32:44,913 --> 01:32:45,877
Not peanut butter.
1179
01:32:45,945 --> 01:32:46,984
Huh-uh.
1180
01:32:49,285 --> 01:32:52,123
Fuckin' terrorist,
man. They're everywhere.
1181
01:32:52,191 --> 01:32:55,689
This one was when he tried
to make me eat chicken.
1182
01:32:55,757 --> 01:32:56,587
I'm vegan.
1183
01:32:57,930 --> 01:32:59,530
They hate our
freedom, you know.
1184
01:32:59,599 --> 01:33:00,964
Drown guy in the closet?
1185
01:33:01,033 --> 01:33:04,168
There was a drown guy
in the closet.
1186
01:33:04,237 --> 01:33:06,535
Well, they say it only takes
like a teaspoon of water,
1187
01:33:06,604 --> 01:33:07,704
don't they?
1188
01:33:07,773 --> 01:33:09,138
- Yeah.
- True story.
1189
01:33:09,206 --> 01:33:11,474
I mean, you'd have to
be a total retard, but...
1190
01:33:11,543 --> 01:33:12,577
It can happen.
1191
01:33:12,646 --> 01:33:15,342
Yeah, he is missing teeth.
1192
01:33:16,747 --> 01:33:18,884
Gingivitis is a bitch.
1193
01:33:19,686 --> 01:33:20,880
I just assumed he was British.
1194
01:33:20,949 --> 01:33:22,718
Hm, he was very pale.
1195
01:33:22,787 --> 01:33:25,288
- Hm.
- And stiff.
1196
01:33:25,357 --> 01:33:26,351
Yeah.
1197
01:33:26,419 --> 01:33:28,223
Could've been
the rigor mortis.
1198
01:33:29,957 --> 01:33:31,725
It's a rabbit.
1199
01:33:31,794 --> 01:33:32,726
Riga-what?
1200
01:33:32,795 --> 01:33:33,595
Riga-who?
1201
01:33:33,664 --> 01:33:34,765
Riga-please.
1202
01:33:34,833 --> 01:33:35,730
We're starting
a hip hop group.
1203
01:33:36,864 --> 01:33:37,903
Holla.
1204
01:33:39,901 --> 01:33:40,767
We're not.
1205
01:33:40,835 --> 01:33:43,341
We are.
1206
01:33:43,409 --> 01:33:43,968
We are.
1207
01:33:55,558 --> 01:34:00,558
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
83000
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.