Original subtitles

MIKE SR.: Good God, that crowd in Ethiopia got it some bad.

They're saying it's the worst famine in years.

ADULT MARK: In the 80's, people were thinking of

the dire situation in Ethiopia.

MARY: Well, we might starve, too.

The friggin' fridge is on the fritz again.

ADULT MARK: And then, unfortunately,

went right back to thinking of themselves.

There's nothing wrong with that fridge.

That fridge is gonna outlive us all.

Bloody milk is froze solid.

Which just means the fridge is working too good.

Alright.

MARY: Oh, enough of those bloody chocolate almonds!

You've been eating that junk all week!

I'm just supporting the boy's fundraiser.

ADULT MARK: The whole scene was inspired by

Bob Geldof's Live Aid concert for famine relief.

While Bob held a super concert,

at school we sold chocolate-covered almonds.

I'll take one.

ADULT MARK: Being a salesman came easy to me,

especially given a certain someone's sweet tooth.

Pop was hooked.

A junk food junkie.

Aah!

Two more.

ADULT MARK: I was killing it!

And probably killing Pop, as well.

MARY: Jeez!

Did you make all that selling almonds?

- MARK: Uh-huh. - MARY: Good for you!

MIKE SR.: Friggin' packin' ice-box!

Have you got any more almonds?

I'm all out, Pop.

POP: What?!

Oh, jeez, no more almonds?

Stop your sooking and eat your breakfast, hm?

MIKE SR.: Probably don't need that part anyway.

I sold 'em all just in time, too!

We have to hand in our collection sheet

for the 24-hour famine.

ADULT MARK: I wanted to be just like Bob Geldof...

Famous!

If helping others helped me look good, then, why not?

MARK ON TV: Right. People,

I'm here to announce that I've solved world hunger.

Yes, I said, "hunger?

"Ah, not having it." Yes, people want food?

I'll sell 'em chocolate-covered almonds.

That way I made 800 billion dollars.

You're welcome.

Oh, yes, that's lunch. Thank you.

ADULT MARK: And, like Bob, I wanted nothing in return.

Well, almost nothing...

Whoever sells the most gets a free bike!

And I've already sold more than last year's winner,

so it's a formality at this point.

You don't know how to ride a bike.

Fall off one, maybe.

Well, then, I'll sell it.

I have my eyes set on the new Casio.

Digital!

Melodic alarm, liquid crystal display.

It shows the month and the day!

This isn't just a watch.

This is a time piece.

MIKE SR.: Aah!

Packin' packity packer!

[CRASH]

MARY: Call that repair guy that works for the station.

MIKE JR: I'm already on it.

And that's what you won't!

We don't be wasting good money on a repair man!

Besides, it's fixed now.

[LOUD RATTLING]

[RATTLING STOPS]

What's that?

MIKE SR.: How the... I was just...

Bloody packin' ice box!

?

SISTER ROSE: [CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Chafe.

MR. CHAFE: [CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you, Sister.

Alright, students,

welcome to this year's "Slumber for Hunger"!

[APPLAUSE]

I'm sure we're all gonna have a lot of fun!

SISTER ROSE: Ahem.

While solemnly reflecting on famine.

If you haven't done so already,

turn in your collection sheets.

Later tonight we will announce the top-seller

and present them with a gift certificate for a new bike

from "Bill's Cycle Shop, we also sharpen skates."

[APPLAUSE]

ADULT MARK: We put the "act" in act of kindness!

It's as good as mine.

I-I mean, it's so amazing we're helping out like this.

RITCHE: There were three bake sales and two flea markets

on my street last week, so people were tapped out.

How did you do?

My idiot brothers kept eating my almonds.

I'm way behind. I hate this crap.

Maybe I could take a few boxes off your hands?

You know, help you out?

I don't need your pity, dork.

MS. FOWLER: And before lights out,

there will be games of bingo with prizes.

[APPLAUSE]

But there will be no food for 24 hours.

This is a fast.

When Moses fasted, he received the Ten Commandments.

What shall you receive?

FOX: A new bike?

The Holy Spirit!

- MARK: You were way off. - FOX: [CHUCKLES]

SISTER ROSE: For when we feed the hungry,

we feed our Lord.

"For I was hungry and you gave me food!"

Matthew, 25: 35.

Imagine if a beggar came to your door asking for food

and you shooed him away!

Well, what if it turned out that the beggar was

Jesus in disguise?

How would you feel then?

ADULT MARK: I somehow doubted Jesus would use

the Second Coming to go trick-or-treating

on Kenmount Road.

So remember, be charitable.

For when someone asks something of you,

they might just be Jesus in disguise, testing you.

May I use the washroom?

No.

Ms. Fowler, start the clock.

[BUZZER SOUND]

Ooh, nice time piece.

MR. CHAFE: Okay, students.

You can start laying out your mats in an orderly fashion.

ADULT MARK: We showed solidarity

with starving children by sleeping on gym mats.

One inch of bulk protection that was almost as soft

as the linoleum floor it protected us from!

They offered little comfort,

but it was worth it to sleep mere inches from Fox.

What?

So what if it's pink?

It's my younger cousin's.

I don't camp, bum-face.

Maybe I should take the middle.

Give it up.

There's no more of those GD chocolate almonds in the house.

Oh! Oh, the floor's soaked!

Oh...

It's dead!

Everything's defrosted.

Oh, no, no, no! The bulb is gone is all.

Then why am I standing in a pool of fridge piss?

One of ye crowd must have been shagging around with it.

We need a new fridge, Mike.

A new fridge? I'll be ruined.

I wonder if it's calling for weather at all.

We could store the turkeys and frozen vegetables

- out in a snow bank. - MARY: Mike!

Fine, I'll call Freddy at Simpson-Sears.

The bugger owes me.

Mm-hm.

Mmm, mmm.

FATHER GARCIA: ? No sugar tonight in my coffee. ?

? No sugar tonight in my tea. ?

? No sugar to stand beside me. ?

? No sugar to run with me. ?

? Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ?

? Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ?

? Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ?

? Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow! ?

At least I can't hear my stomach anymore.

? Dow-dow! ?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you! That was a little ditty

by a band called the Guess Who that says,

"Guess what? No sugar or other food groups tonight."

KIDS: Aw.

I'd kill for a flaky right now.

And a bag of hickory sticks.

How about you, Fox? Any cravings?

Is she going home?

Her sleeping bag's still here.

Maybe she doesn't like the music.

Or maybe she doesn't like me.

MR. CHAFE: [PA] Mark Critch to the office for a phone call.

Mark Critch to the office.

KIDS: Ooh...

ADULT MARK: A phone call, at school?

An absolute first.

Either someone was dead or the house had burned down.

That can't be good.

I know you're all filled up on the holy ghost,

but I hope you left some room for a little pie...

[APPLAUSE]

American pie, that is.

KIDS: Aww...

Hello?

Is it Pop? Is he okay?

Yes. It's me.

[SIGHS] You're okay!

No, I'm starving!

Who else has almonds?

What? Uh, I don't know.

Dad bought some?

Ate those.

- MARK: Mom bought three. - POP: Ah, ate those, too.

Oh...

Uh, Dick Dunphy bought 10 bucks' worth.

Why?

Dunphy.

Yes, he'll do nicely.

[DIAL TONE]

[HANGS UP PHONE]

MR. CHAFE: [CLEARS THROAT]

Would you like an almond, Ms. Fowler?

Oh, no, thank you, Mr. Chafe. I'm watching my weight.

MR. CHAFE: I've been watching your weight too,

and it's looking pretty good to me.

I mean...

You don't look sick or anything.

Oh, well, you look very healthy yourself.

Strapping.

That's from all the strappings.

[BOTH LAUGH]

ADULT MARK: What the hell was I seeing?

The only emotions I'd ever witnessed teachers exhibit

were anger and regret.

?

Oh, God.

Freddy says he'll give me a deal on a floor model,

but he can't deliver it until next week.

MARY: Well, what about all this food?

We don't want it to go to waste!

We're gonna have to cook it all.

- MARY: What? - MIKE SR.: Grab a pot.

MARY: Oh, jeez.

MARK SR.: We're gonna have to eat enough to last all weekend.

MARY: Ah!

ADULT MARK: My teachers weren't the only ones

breaking the rules.

Everywhere I looked, kids were sucking on contraband candy.

Was I the only one not cheating?

?

ADULT MARK: But where were they getting it?

I couldn't believe it.

Fox was pushing candy like a dealer!

Like she was me with Pop!

What would Bob Geldof do?

MARK: Get out of here!

ADULT MARK: Make it about himself!

What are you doing, dork?

MARK: What am I doing?

Bullies are supposed to take candy from babies,

not sell it to 'em!

And at a mark-up?

We are fasting for the needy, not the greedy!

FOX: Chill out, Gandhi.

Besides, it's not eating if you just suck the chocolate off of 'em.

Come on.

Everyone's doing it.

?

?

No. No.

Why are you selling food at a famine fundraiser, Fox?

FOX: I told you I was behind.

This is the only way I can catch up and win that new bike.

You're cheating!

And some of us worked really hard to have a chance to win.

Don't you judge me.

It's pretty hard not to.

ADULT MARK: My stomach was empty,

but like Bob Geldof, I was full of myself.

?

[FOOD SIZZLING]

MIKE SR.: Oh, good God, I feel like Peary at the Pole.

Rainbow trout?

How long have they been in there?

Pop caught those in the little pond up behind the station.

Back before they filled it in with gravel.

Oh, Mike.

Remember when we used to sit up there and splash our feet?

The flies were enough to eat ya!

"Bursey's frozen cod tongues"?

I remember when you brought those home!

They were one of your very first clients at the station.

I was so proud of you!

Let's fry up a feed of tongues.

No, no, no, I don't like to eat tongues.

I don't like to taste anything that can taste me back!

The Pink Poodle?

That place closed years ago. When were we there?

Aw, that was just before Mark was born.

Bit of spice did the trick.

Yeah, he shot out of you like Evel Knievel out of a cannon.

Oh, Mike. Remember when they were small?

Where'd the time go, at all, hm?

Oh, it wasn't that long ago.

It was just...

1974?

Yeah, that might be pushing it a bit.

Yeah, euch.

?

?

POP: Eureka!

Aah!

Hey, Pop.

Hey! Whoa.

Good, good to see you.

What are you doing here?

No, I was just, uh...

I was just looking for a pencil.

I was gonna leave you a message.

What's the message?

Your mother wants to invite Dick here for supper.

Really?

Is Mike gone?

Calm yourself.

No, we're all gonna be there.

Well, you could have just called.

Yeah, I could have done, but you know...

I wanted to see my grandson in action.

Well, okay.

I can show you around if you want.

We got some time.

Nah, that's okay.

I've seen enough.

MIKE JR: Yeah.

Right. No, it's really, uh, fabulous.

It's a way bigger office than Mike's.

Great. Alright!

Keep up the good work! [QUIETLY] Ah, Dick...

FATHER GARCIA: Okay, gang!

Time for bingo, which we play every Saturday night

at the parish hall.

I noticed a lot of you have not... "Bin-go-ing."

Bin-go-ing.

Tough room.

Must be the hunger.

Under the B, we have 4!

B-4.

As in "Before Christ." B.C.

Dinosaurs!

Very cool.

Next, we have...

MARK: I can't believe she's doing this.

FATHER GARCIA: G!

MARK: She's making a farce out of it.

You know? And these kids are no better.

This is supposed to be a fast, not a Halloween party!

FATHER GARCIA: Next up, we have I-19...

Why aren't you saying anything?

- RITCHE: Mm. - FATHER GARCIA: I-19...

Open your mouth.

FATHER GARCIA: Next, B-1!

I just sucked the chocolate off!

I swear!

Judas!

No, I don't see what the big deal is!

The money still goes to charity.

ADULT MARK: My hunger mixed with my anger

twisting my stomach like a sponge being strained!

I had had enough.

FATHER GARCIA: B-1, as in O-B-wan.

MARK: Can we talk?

- FATHER GARCIA: Kenobi... - FOX: Not here.

FATHER GARCIA: I love Star Wars! Anybody else?

I wish I had a light saber right now.

Alright, eat up.

This is gonna have to do us until Monday.

You too.

I'm not really very hungry.

Not for this mish-mash, anyway.

MARY: Well, there are no more chocolates,

so it's this or nothing.

Oh, well, "nothing" sounds perfect.

I'll just have that, then.

MARY: [SIGHS]

DICK: I'll have his wieners and fish sticks.

My favourite!

ADULT MARK: Dick gorged himself like a stray dog

in a bologna factory dumpster.

Pile it high indeed.

- MARY: There. - DICK: Thank you.

Jeez, Dick. How can you eat all that?

What?

Just a bit'a wieners, peas, chocolate cake, eggs,

fish sticks, and...

Mystery meat.

That's rainbow trout.

Oh.

Where's the gravy?

MARY: Oh.

There we go.

Get some on the cake.

MARY: Oh! Jeez.

?

?

?

MARK: Why do you even need a bike?

You already have one.

You wouldn't understand.

- Try me. - I just need a new one, okay?

You mean you "want" a new one?

No!

I need one.

My dumb brothers wrecked mine doing wheelies.

My house isn't like yours.

Sometimes it's just...

Better not to be there.

So I just ride it not to think about stuff, you know?

ADULT MARK: To me, the bike was a prize I didn't even want.

But to Fox, it was everything.

FOX: Besides, all I've ever had has been hand-me-downs.

Boy's bikes.

It's gross.

I'm sorry. I-I didn't know.

It don't matter now, anyways.

I'm out of time. No cheating, right?

Well, you made some money, though.

You know, that's what counts.

Look, give me your sheet.

I'll turn it in with mine.

Whatever. I should'a known.

I mean, when do I ever win, right?

Here. On the house.

ADULT MARK: Our Lord had gone 40 days and nights.

I had gone four hours and 14 minutes.

Surely that was close enough?

After all, did anyone even care about the rules anymore?

"If you find honey, eat just enough.

Too much of it, and you will vomit."

Proverbs, 25: 16.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Where did you get those almonds?

Can't talk with your mouth full?

Oh, you just ate up any chance of winning that bike.

You're disqualified.

Now, go say seven Hail Mary's

and think about what you've done.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

?

?

Mmm.

Mmm...

Mmm!

?

MS. FOWLER: Thank you, Tina.

Last call for collection sheets.

Thank you, Mark.

Thanks for not ratting me out.

Snitches get stitches, right?

- MS. FOWLER: Students... - [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, it appears we have a winner!

Mr. Chafe?

MR. CHAFE: Thank you, Ms. Fowler.

So, the winner of the new bike is...

Fox!

MS. FOWLER: Fox?

How?

[APPLAUSE]

Come get your coupon. Congratulations.

Go on.

?

[MARK STARTS APPLAUSE, OTHERS JOIN IN]

?

I copy off you enough to know your handwriting when I see it.

Impossible!

It says your name right there.

Besides, I'm disqualified.

I don't need your charity.

I don't even know how to ride a bike.

But maybe you could teach me?

That and another box of almonds should cover it.

?

?

?

?

RITCHE: Yeah...

Maybe I should sleep in the middle tonight.

MIKE JR: Oh, I shouldn't have had thirds.

MIKE SR.: I shouldn't have had firsts.

POP: Disgusting piggies.

DICK: The fridge is best kind now!

MARY: Oh, really? Oh, Dick!

How'd you get her fixed?

The condenser coils were dusty.

I knew that.

DICK: Jesus, b'y, Mary!

When was the last time you cleaned back there?

There was enough dust bunnies for a dozen easters.

Oh, you frig off back to the hole you crawled out of!

[STOMACH RUMBLING] Oh...

[RUMBLING CONTINUES]

Oh...

[BATHROOM DOOR CLOSES]

Must have been the cod tongues.

MIKE JR: Hm, yeah.

ADULT MARK: Selling almonds, staying up all night,

even putting on a concert won't change the world.

For all our good intentions,

we didn't end world hunger.

We might not have changed the world that night,

but I'm pretty sure I felt it move.

?

We often go through life not knowing

how hard other people have it.

We might set out to change the world and realize

it's a little too big for us to do that.

?

But maybe, if we try,

we can change our little piece of it.

Because giving is good,

but sharing is great.

MARK: Okay, okay. I dunno.

FOX: Pedal, pedal. You got this.

- You've done it before, come on. - MARK: Okay, there we go!

- Yeah! [LAUGHS] - FOX: Yeah...

MARK: Okay, yeah, I got it!

FOX: Turn, turn...

Yeah, yeah, careful, careful, careful!

- MARK: Okay... - FOX: Okay!

- MARK: Yes, I did it! - FOX: Yeah!

MARK: Yes, I got it! Woo!

FOX: Okay, keep going...

- MARK: Yeah. - FOX: Do it a little faster.

- MARK: Are you sure? - FOX: Yeah, come on.

MARK: Okay.

?

?

?

?

?

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