All language subtitles for Naked.1993.REMAST

Oh!

Oh, go on! Oh!

What are you do...? Ow!

You're hurting me!

I'm gonna tell my Bernard of you!

You're fucking dead!

Oi!

Come back here, you!

Ronnie!

Get off that couch
and come out here!

Ronnie!

Oh, shit! Sorry.
I didn't see you there.

- Do you live here?
- Yeah, I do, unfortunately.

Do you know Louise Clancy?

Yeah.
Are you a friend of hers?

Know where she is?

She's at work.

- What time does she get back?
- Don't know. About 7:00 or something.

Fucking hell!

Do you want to come in
for a cup of tea?

Is that all right with you, love?
It's just, you know, cold.

Listen, have you got anything
for a headache?

Ah. Yeah, we have,
as it happens.

You know, like a monkey wrench
or something.

- What's all this about?
- Oh, yeah.

- That's Sandra, that is.
- Hello, Sandra.

This is her place.
She's a fucking nurse.

That's her idea of interior design.

Oh, yeah, it's a skeleton.

And this is her cocktail cabinet and all.

There you go.
That should do it.

- No, it's too big.

- Do you want a cup of tea?
- Yeah.

So, are you Louise's boyfriend?

- No.
- Oh, right.

- What, you're just, like, a mate?
- Primate.

- You must be the missing link, then.
- Yeah, that's me.

- You're not gonna tell me your name.
- No.

- I'm not gonna tell you mine neither.
- All right. We'll be strangers.

I see your boomerang
came back then, love.

It's not my fuckin' boomerang.

What about the old diminishing
pachyderm formation there?

No, that's all Sandra's collection.
She's in Zimbabwe at the moment.

And fuck knows what she's gonna
bring back from there.

Pellagra or hepatitis B or something.

She's with her boyfriend.

So, how is Louise?

I don't know.
I don't know her as well as you.

- Do you get on with her?
- Well, been out a couple of times.

- Does she like you?
- I don't know. You better ask her.

Most people don't.

Do you find that she's
at all jealous of you?

No.

So...

So, would you describe yourself
as a happy little person?

Yeah. I'm the life and soul.

Have you ever thought, right...
I mean, you don't know,

but you might already have had
the happiest moment in your whole fucking life,

and all you've got to look forward to
is sickness and purgatory?

Oh, shit.

Well, I just live
from day to day myself.

I tend to skip a day now and again.
You know what I mean?

I used to be a werewolf,
but I'm all right now!

Fuckin' hell.
I bet they're happy, eh?

All they got to do is sit round,
howling at the moon.

It's better than standing on the cheesy
fucking thing. Know what I mean?

I mean, tossing all these satellites
and shuttles out into the cosmos.

What do they think they're gonna find
up there that they can't find down here?

They think if they piss high enough,

they're gonna come across the monkey
with the beard and the crap ideas,

and it's, like,
"Oh! There you are, Captain!

"Are you busy? Because I've got
a few fundamental questions for you."

You with me?

Yeah. Cos let's face it, right?
What are rockets?

I mean,
they're just big metal pricks.

You know, I mean, the bastards
aren't satisfied with fucking the Earth up.

- They've gotta fuck space and all.
- Tell me something, love.

Are you aware of the effect

you have on the average mammalian,
Mancunian,

X-Y'ly chromosome, slavering,
lusty male member of the species?

Uh... yeah.

I thought so.

Would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?

No.

Do you think women like being raped?

You talk a lot, don't you?

Do you like Japanese food?

Look, I've told you, I'm not interested.
All right?

- Could I have that a touch harder, please?
- Yes.

All right?

- Enjoying yourself, are you?
- I'm having a great time, actually.

- Bloody hell.
- Ah, friendly.

What are you doing here?
You look like shit.

Just trying to blend in
with the surroundings.

- I can't believe you're here.
- I'm not here.

I tell you what.
It's a crackin' place you got, love.

- Good. I'm glad you like it.
- No, I was being sarcastic.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?
I would've met you off the train.

- I didn't come on the fucking train.
- Off the bus, then.

- I didn't come on the bus either.
- So, how did you get here, then?

Well, basically, there was this little dot, right,
and the dot went bang,

and the bang expanded -
energy formed into matter,

matter cooled, matter lived,
the amoeba to fish, the fish to fowl,

the fowl to froggy, the froggy to mammal,
the mammal to monkey, the monkey to man.

Amo, amas, amat. Quid pro quo.
Memento mori. Ad infinitum.

Sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese
and leave under the grill till doomsday.

- I see you haven't changed.
- He's a fuckin' genius, this geezer.

I take it you met
my wicky-wacky friend Sophie.

No, actually,
we haven't been formally introduced.

- Have we, love?
- No.

No, we've been sat here
in embarrassing silence all afternoon.

- So, how are you?
- Peachy creamy.

Are you really?
I'm very pleased.

So, how's, um... work?

- It's all right.
- "It's all right."

It's all right.

- Is it everything you hoped it would be?
- Yeah.

What did you hope it would be?

I'm so... I'm sorry.
Did you get that?

It's everything she hoped it would be,

but she doesn't fucking know
what she hoped it would be.

Oh, and by the way,
thank you for this.

I mean, are you taking the piss
or what?

"So, Johnny, my address is..."

I'm touched.

- Why have you come?
- Oh, can you tell from there?

- Do you want a cup of tea?
- I'd love a cup of tea!

You're fucking generous,
you Cockneys, aren't ya?

- Sophie?
- Oh, yeah. Ta.

- How's your mum?
- Fine. How's yours? Still pulling pints?

She's dead.
She's still a good fuck, though.

- I mean, the rates are a bit extortionate,

but I do get a discount,
what with being the son and everything.

Apparently, right, you shouldn't
stick anything up your cunt

that you can't put in your mouth.

Give us that mug.

Can I try your coat on, Johnny?

Yeah.

So, what you been up to?
You seen anybody?

Have you seen anybody?

Have you spoken to anybody
from Manchester?

Yeah, I phoned June
a couple of times.

And was June interested
in what you had to say?

Fuckin' hell.

I've seen more life in an open grave.
Come on!

- What?
- What!

- You don't seem very pleased to see me.
- I am pleased to see yal

Too good for us? Now you've got yourself
a posh job in the big "shitty".

- I mean, me and her are on the fucking dole.
- Right.

And you're a career girl.
You happy with that?

- Yeah.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- I'm delighted!

Do you want some of this, Johnny?

Fuckin' hell, love.
What are you trying to do to me?

Right. Well, I'm going up to me room.
Do you want to see it, Johnny?

Is it worth the bother?
Is there anything worth seeing?

Why don't you come and find out?
It's not very far.

I'm sorry about this.

Yeah.

Oh, move, move.

- Where are you?
- I'm in here.

Oh, it's de-lovely.

I see you've got a ceiling at the top
with a floor on the lower level

and a wall at either side.

And only a single bed.
Sad, really.

- You've got wonderful breasts.
- Don't you mean "tits"?

Are they both the same size,
or is one bigger than the other?

I don't know.
Do you want to weigh them?

- Is that a proposition?
- No, it's a threat.

Are you rich?

Life is for enjoying.

What about a family?
Have you got any brothers or sisters?

I try not to remember.

You're sexually frustrated, aren't you?

- What's funny?

- Are you a feminist?
- No.

- Do you like fucking?
- Do you like wanking?

Not on my own, no.

That's a very ornithological mutilation
you've got there, love.

That's my tribal initiation.

Is it really?

- That was fuckin' athletic, that was.
- I think I've ruptured my chakras.

Is there an instruction manual
for this garb?

No. It's an intelligence test.

Now, what is this?
A granny, a sheepshank

or the infamous round turn
and two half hitches

as mentioned in the Book of Ezekiel?

- Are you finished?
- Hardly fuckin' begun.

It's just I think I'm gonna get into difficulties
when I reach the hippie shit up here.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah. Well, you've tried the stairs.

I think we should take the escalator.

Simple, really.

So is this.

Thanks for the mammaries.

Could you ask her
to order me a taxi, please?

- This is terribly disappointing.
- You don't like rejection, do you, Jeremy?

- Could we have a taxi, please?
- No problem... sir.

Whee!

Whee, whee...!

It's really cosy, this.

Will you let me come again, Jerry?

You're dead handsome, you know.

What work do you do?

I'm a dancer, actually.

Don't you wanna know me name?

It's Giselle.

Are you married?

What?

Kiss me.

Oh, don't. It's yucky!

Get it off!

Are you glad I came?

What are you doing?
Get off me!

You're hurting me!

Have you ever thought
of committing suicide?

- No.
- I'm going to commit suicide

on my 40th birthday...

if I'm still around.

- Why?
- I don't want to be old.

Do you?

Fuck!

Oh...!

- Oh. Have a fag.
- Yeah. Thanks, I will.

What are you reading?

Will you stop fucking about and fidgeting
in my peripherals? I'm trying to concentrate.

She's got a very little waist,
Sophie, ain't she?

She's got little tits and all.

- Are you not cold?
- I'm reading about the butterfly effect.

What's the butterfly effect?

Every time a butterfly
flaps its wings in Tokyo,

this old granny in Salford
gets a bilious attack.

What happens if a butterfly
flaps its wings in Salford?

- That's not the point.
- Oh, is it not?

- What are you doing in London, Johnny?
- What are you doing in London?

- I've told you what I'm doing in London.
- You've told me nothing.

- The last time I saw you, I told you...
- Fuckin' hell! Were you born irritatin'?

What have you
come downstairs for anyway?

I fell asleep with the window open.
I was cold. I came down.

I had to pee. I've made some tea.
I'm here. All right?

- What's that, the greatest story ever told?
- I live here.

So what happened?
Were you bored in Manchester?

Was I bored? No, I wasn't fuckin' bored.
I'm never bored.

That's the trouble with everybody.
You're all so bored.

You've had nature explained to you,
and you're bored with it.

You've had the living body explained to you,
and you're bored with it.

You've had the universe explained to you,
and you're bored with it.

So now you just want cheap thrills
and plenty of ‘em,

and it don't matter how tawdry
or vacuous they are,

as long as it's new,
as long as it's new,

as long as it flashes and fucking bleeps
in 40 fuckin' different colours.

Well, whatever else you can say about me,
I'm not fuckin' bored.

Yeah. All right.

So, how's it all going for you?

It's a bit boring, actually.

You're not enjoying yourself?

You made many friends?

No.

Have you got a goblet or something,
because me heart's bleedin'.

When are you going back to Manchester?

- When are you going back to Manchester?
- I'm not going back.

- Why not?
- You know why not.

Do I?

I thought you said
you never wanted to see me again.

I don't ever want to see you again,
so will you fuck off back upstairs?

- Why are you such a bastard, Johnny?
- Monkey see, monkey do.

- What does that mean?

Oh, this fucking cough.

Mm. A butterfly
must have flapped its wings.

So have you got to get up
for work now, yeah?

No.

It's too early.

I'm going back to bed.

So is she, uh...
a Buddhist or something, this nurse?

No, she's a Catholic.

What's she doing with the old fat chap
in the house, then?

I don't know.
I think she fancies him or something.

Louise is a Catholic.
Did you know that?

- She's not, is she?
- Oh, fuckin' hell!

You know what frightens me
about the human body?

What?

Well, it's like the, uh, most sophisticated
mechanism in the entire universe,

and yet it's so fuckin' quiet, isn't it?

- Know what I mean?
- Don't know.

Mine makes enough noise.

It's like this wet, pink factory.

What the fuck are they making in there?
I mean, what's the product?

You never see no delivery trucks
coming or going, do you?

- I could have been a doctor.
- Do you wanna examine me?

- You don't believe me, do you?
- I believe everything you say.

- I've got "A" level psychology.
- You haven't.

"Resolve is never stronger than in the morning
after the night it was never weaker."

- What do you think of that?
- It's a load of bollocks.

I thought of that.

- Do you not agree with it?
- Don't know.

Well, that's cos you weren't
fuckin' listening, were you?

What's this?
A test or something?

Don't. Stop it.

Just pack it in. Stop it!

Keep buggering about.

- Let me get a watch, Johnny.
- Will you keep still?

- Look, you can get me a watch.
- Don't want a fucking watch.

I really like you, Johnny.

You don't know me.

I think I do.

- You don't fucking know me!
- Oh, shit! Fucking hell!

- You still like me?
- I love you.

- What?
- I'm in love with you, Johnny.

- Don't laugh. I'm serious.

I understand you, Johnny. I do.

Johnny! No! No!

Johnny!

Ta-ra, Mr. Halpern.

What's the matter?
What's going on?

Fucked if I know.

I'm too old for all this.

Why don't we go out?
Go out for a drink or somethin'?

Why don't you fuckin' go out?
Go for a drink or somethin'.

Cos I want to go out with you.

Is this good?

What are you doing?

- Where are you going?
- I'm cold.

- Johnny, I just...
- Get off of me.

How... Do you ever get the feeling
that you're being followed?

Look, will you just leave me alone,
give me a bit of room or something?

Fucking hell!

Johnny! Johnny!

What's all that about?
What are you playin' at?

- Where are you going, Johnny?
- Off my head.

- I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not.

- I want to come with you!
- Don't you fucking come with me!

- Are you comin' back?
- What the fuck for?

Maggie!

Maggie!

You all right there, chief?

- Have you lost somebody?
- Yeah?

Are you looking for somebody?

Fuck off, cunt!

Got a fag?

- Yes, thanks.
- What?

- Yeah, I got one.
- Giz one.

- "Please."
- What?

- Say "please".
- Just fucking giz one. Come on, mister.

You've got a lovely way about you.
Has anybody ever told you that?

"Thank you." It's all right.

Maggie!

- She's gone, mate.
- Eh?

Those days are over.

Have you seen a lassie
wandering about here?

- What?
- A lassie. Black hair, blue jeans.

I saw a little border collie
padding off down there towards the fire.

Yeah?

- Have you lost your bird or something?
- Aye. Have you seen her?

Black hair.

- No.
- Fuckin' hell!

Stupid fuckin' cunt's gone
and got lost.

- Are you from Scotland?
- Uh?

- Are you Scots?
- Aye.

- What's it like up there?
- Fucking shite.

I'll kick her fanny, man.

- Do you dream in Scotch?
- Uh?

Do you, like, dream about sporran-clad,
caber-tossing haggis

galloping over porridge-covered glens?

Fucking shite!

I sent off for one of those
little Linguaphone packages -

"Talk Shite in a Fortnight."
It's all going very well.

I haven't quite got
the hang of the transitive verbs yet.

Will you fuckin' shut it?

- So, what you doin' down here?
- Eh?

Why are you here in London,
old Bodhi Dharma?

Put my old man in hospital.

- Your dad?
- Aye.

- How did you do that, then?
- Cracked him on the nut with a poker.

- What for?
- He was fuckin' asking for it!

- Maggie!
- So, what, is he in a bad way?

Fuckin' right. He's half dead.

- What does your mum think about it?
- She's off her fuckin' nut.

- So, you're, like, on the run, yeah?
- Aye.

- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah? The cops after you? Yeah?

- Can you tell me something, jock?
- What?

- What's all that about?
- Eh?

That, the old Highland fling there.
You know you're doing that?

- What?
- That, you know, "and for my next tick..."

That. Look, it... it just happened again.
I'm not imagining it.

Fuck off, en?

You do that in the sack,
with the old tick, spit - "Maggie!"

- Must be a great fucking shag.
- Are you taking a piss?

- You're fucking giving it away, aren't ya?
- Fucking come on, cunt!

Cut your fucking head open!

- Eh?
- What's it like being you?

- Eh?
- A bit hectic?

Fuck off, poof!

Do you believe
in self-fulfilling prophecy?

Eh?

You know, like Nostradamus.

He was, like,
this 16th-century astrologer,

and he wrote in one of his quatrains that
this goon called Hister would invade Poland.

So Hitler reads that and thinks,
"Hister, Hitler.

"Must mean me",
and invades Poland.

So, when the guy prophesied that the world
would end in 1999, which he did,

does that therefore mean
that we're fulfilling the prophecy

by precipitating the Apocalypse?
You with me?

What?

Do you think the world will end in 19997

Listen, mate, what do you think of this?
Why don't you have a little wander around

and go look for the wee lassie,
and I'll wait here?

If she turns up,
I'll keep her here until you get back.

- How does that grab ya?
- You gonna be here, eh?

- Yeah.
- Right. If she gets back, right,

tell her to fucking wait here
till I get back.

If she wanders off, knock her out.
You slap her good for me, right?

- Yeah, I'll tie her up.
- Aye.

- You gonna be here, eh?
- Yeah. Oh, listen. What's her name again?

- Maggie.
- Oh, yeah.

Be back in a minute, right?

Excuse me, love.

Hello!

Are you Maggie?

Piss off!

- Oh, you're Maggie.
- What?

- Is your name Maggie?
- How'd you ken that?

It's just a hunch.
Are you looking for the, uh, petulant dwarf?

- Eh?
- Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

- Archie!
- Yeah, that's the fella.

I was told to wait here for you.

You're Maggie, he's Archie, I'm nobody.
He's gone off looking for you, love.

What, you've seen him?

Look, would you just come
and sit over here now?

Fuck off, you dirty cunt.

I know I've not had a bath
for a good few seasons,

but there's no need to hurt my feelings.

He'll be back in a minute.

What, he's been here?

He's been here, he's been there.
He's been all over the fuckin' shop.

- Did he have the chips with him?
- He had a huge one on his shoulder.

- Fuckin' wee radge!
- Come on. No need to knock the young lad.

He's a wonderful exponent
of the old Socratic debate.

Listen, love,
I've got this great idea.

Why don't you have
a little wander round,

see if you can find the wee lad,
and I'll wait here?

And if he turns up,
I'll keep him here till you get back.

I'm fucking starvin'.

- Do you wanna get something to eat?
- He's got all the money, hasn't he?

- Who, laughing boy?
- Aye.

- Well, I've got a few bob on me.
- What if he comes back and we're no here?

- We'll leave him a note.
- He won't be able to read it.

Well, we'll get him on his bleeper.
Come on.

Can you feel all those vibrations?

No.

Just stand still a minute, love.

Try and feel it through your feet.

Do you not get all those tremblings
and mumblings

coming up through your bones?

Not really, no.

Do you not get, like, a sense of, like,
a whole other world underneath all this?

You know, like,
the guts of London?

What with all the tube trains
and everything, the city's viscera

and the subterranean fucking fistulas
and conduits and colons

and bunkers and dungeons
and tombs and all that.

What, about hell and the sewers, like?

You know that wherever you are
in London, right,

- you're only 30 feet away from a rat.
- Aye.

- Does that freak you out?
- No.

- Do you believe in hell?
- Aye.

- So do you believe in the devil?
- Aye.

- What do you think he looks like?
- He looks like that, doesn't he?

What, a little nudist homunculus
with a pink quiff?

- No, he looks like a snake.
- Let's have a look at that.

- It's Archie, isn't it?
- It's my good luck charm.

- Has it brought you much?
- Has it fuck.

- Are you superstitious?
- No.

What do you wear
a good luck charm for, then?

Are we gonna get something to eat
or what?

Have you ever seen a dead body?

Only me own.

- Where was you thinking of sleeping tonight?
- Don't know.

- Where did you kip down last night?
- In the park.

- Was that not cold?
- Aye.

Where are you thinking of sleeping, like?

Wherever I drop.

- How old are you, love?
- Twenty-three.

Do your mum and dad know
you're down here?

No.

- Will they not be worried about you?
- No.

How old are you, like?

- How old do you think I am?
- About 40.

- I'm 27.
- Oh, get the fuck.

Where the fuck
have you been?

- Where the fuck have you been?
- Eh?

- I've been waitin' on you!
- Come here!

- Fuck off!
- Cunt!

- What the fuck you been doin' now?
- You've got all the money!

- I've been fucking looking all over for ya!
- Well, I was with him.

- What do you... fuck!
- Fucking what?

- I was fucking with ya!
- I was fucking with him!

- Daft cunt.
- Fuckin' ask him!

- Fuck off!
- Fuckin' ask him!

- Fuckin' daft bitch! Eh?
- Where's my chips?

- That was fuckin' years ago.
- Well, I'm starvin'!

- Fucking here are your fucking chips!
- Don't come near me!

Fucking cunt!

Did he hurt you?

What do you mean?

You know,
when you were fucking.

Why? Did he hurt you?

Do you think you were made
for each other?

- Well, we went out for a year.
- A year?

Fucking hell, give me a year!

Do you ever feel like topping yourself?

- Oh, God. I wish I was at home.
- Glad I'm not.

Yeah, well, I don't mean
with me mum and dad.

I just mean in Manchester.

- You reckon it's different there, do you?
- Yeah. People talk to you.

- Well, I'm talking to you.
- Yeah, but you talk a pile of shit.

Doesn't matter where you are anyway.
Might as well be in Zimbabwe with Sandra.

Are you gonna do any washing up
before she gets back?

Yeah, of course I am.
When is she getting back?

Sunday.

Well, it's four fucking days away,
innit?

"Thou shalt not consent unto him,
nor hearken unto him,

"neither shall thine eye pity him,
neither shall thou spare,

"neither shall thou conceal him,
but thou shalt surely kill him with thy hand..."

Lost me place now.

"And thou shalt stone him
with stones till he die

"because he has sought to force thee away
from the Lord, thy God, and..."

Fuckin' hell.
Why hast thou forsaken me?

Bastard.

Hmm.

Is that it now, then?

Are you through
with the regulation pacing?

Are you all set to deploy
the fatuous sarcasm?

Well, I've beaten you to it.

Would you like a mint?

What's this, a new policy?

- Ply the culprit with menthol?
- Extra strong.

I get through four packets
of these a night.

You want to be careful, don't you?
I don't want your poxy mint.

Oh.

- Waste not, want not.
- And other clichés.

Ah, but a cliché is full of truth,
otherwise it wouldn't be a cliché.

Which is in itself a cliché.

- Tell me, have you read the book of Hosea?
- What now?

- "For they are the children of whores."
- There's no need to get personal, mate.

What, will you stop fucking about?

If you're gonna stick the boot in,
will you get on with it?

Have you got nowhere to go, then?

I've got an infinite number
of fucking places to go.

The problem is where you stay.

- You with me?
- Indeed. Yes.

So, listen, is there much security
in this job?

Too much.

What is it that goes on in this particular
postmodernist gas chamber?

Nothing.

It's empty.

So what is it that you're guarding?

Space.

You're guarding space?

That's stupid, isn't it,
because someone could break in there

and steal all the fucking space,

and you wouldn't know it had gone,
would you?

Good point.

All right.

All right, pally, I appreciate
you've got a job to do,

and it's, "Move on! Move on!
Move on!"

But it's fucking freezing out there,
and I was a Caesarean.

Come on, quick.

- What?
- Come in.

- You serious?
- Through that door, smartish.

It's a funny smell in here.

Come on.

Bit of a waste of space,
all this, isn't it?

Could sleep a thousand
flea-bitten tramps in here.

What's all that?

They say it's a fucking jungle out there.
Have you seen it in here?

I mean,
where's the bloody monkeys?

Look, Dad!
Will you just back off?

- What is it you're after?
- You must be invisible.

- What?
- I must be seen.

Follow me.

Sit there.

Am I allowed to smoke in here?

No!
You'll set off the alarm.

Now, I'm not gonna look at you.

It mustn't look
like I'm talking to anybody.

If you're seen in here,
I'm out of a job.

See what I mean?

If they see you talking to yourself like that,
you'll be out of a job anyway.

They'll come after you
with a big butterfly net.

Oh, yes.

I'll stand like this, then.

- Well, that's better, isn't it?
- What?

In, out of the cold.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks very much.

It's funny being inside, innit?

Cos when you are inside,
you're still actually outside, aren't ya?

And then you can say,
when you're outside, you're inside,

because you're always inside your head.
Do you follow that?

Yes. Sometimes when I'm sitting here,
I turn the lights off, sit in the dark.

That always makes me feel
like I'm sitting outside.

So, what do you do with yourself
here of a night-time?

I read, and I think.

What do you think about?

- I think about my life.
- And is that horrendous for you?

No, certainly not.

Is it horrendous for your wife?
Are you married, mate?

Well, technically I'm married,

although my wife is 5,919 miles away
and I haven't seen her for 13 years.

It's all going very well, then?
Where is she?

- She's in Bangkok.
- Saucy.

They're not worth it, are they?

Whores and harlots.

When was the last time you had a fuck?

Is that an embarrassing question for you?

It is, rather. Yes.

I'm sorry.

Step this way.

I want to reveal to you
the mysteries of my trade.

What do you think that is?

- A, uh... Dadaist nun?
- Wrong.

This little lady is the representative
of my employer.

- How do you do, love?
- Watch.

Very Zen.

My existence at this moment, on this spot,
is now trapped and recorded.

Twenty-three moments, 23 sites,
every two hours.

That's my job.

Well, could they not train
a tall chimpanzee to do that?

Or a small chimpanzee
with a bigger gizmo?

I expect they could, yes.

- What's your name, son?
- Brian.

Hello, Brian. Johnny.

Well, Brian, congratulations.

You succeeded in convincing me

that you do have the most tedious
fucking job in England.

Come on.

Yes, itis a boring job.
Bloody boring, actually.

All right, all right.

But all you can see is the tip of the iceberg,
the present, the tedious here and now.

What you're incapable of seeing
is the rest of time, the rest of the iceberg -

past and the future, my future,

which is a very interesting place to be.

The good thing about this job
is that it gives me time and space

to contemplate the future at my leisure,
whilst the city sleeps,

free from the cacophonous curiosity
of the hoi polloi.

So, you see, it's not a boring job.

And I'm not boring either.

- Am I allowed to smoke on the stairs?
- No. There's alarms all over the building.

So, you think you can make the present
palatable by projecting into the future?

You're living in the past, pal.
It's the future that fucks you up, Brian.

It's the maggot in the apple.

See, you're all pissed off
with the present, Bri,

and there's nothing wrong
with the present.

The present's fine. The present's perfect.
The present's peachy fucking creamy.

The only thing wrong with the present
is the bastard doesn't exist,

because the present is the future,
and the future is the past,

and it's all the same
fucking bag of bones anyway.

It's a constant process
of coming into being and passing away,

coming into being and passing away.
The future is now.

But the present does exist.
We're in it now.

You were just then, when you said it,
but you're not in it now,

you're not in it now, you're not in it now.

You're forever being kicked up the arse
by the future. You with me?

That's what I mean.

See, I'm in the present,
but I'm not in the present.

I'm in the future.

Exactly.

Has nobody not told you, Brian,

that you've got this kind of gleeful
preoccupation with the future?

I wouldn't even mind,
but you don't even have a fucking future.

I don't have a future. Nobody has a future.
The party's over.

Take a look around you, man.
It's all breaking up.

Are you not familiar with the
Book of Revelations of Saint John,

the final book of the Bible
prophesying the Apocalypse?

Yes, as it happens,
I'm familiar with all the books of the Bible.

I'm very happy for you.

"He forced everyone to receive
a mark on his right hand or on his forehead

"so that no one shall be able
to buy or sell unless he has the mark,

"which is the name of the beast
or the number of his name,

"and the number of the beast is 666."

- 666! I know about it.
- Great.

I know about Nostradamus.
Nostradamus talked about three brothers.

Now, did he mean
the Kennedy brothers,

or was he talking about
three bits of the Soviet Union?

You see?
You just can't tell.

Fuck Nostradamus!
I'm not talking about Nostradamus

or Mother Shipton or Russell Grant
or Mystic-fucking-Meg.

I'm talking about
the holy fucking book!

What can such a specific
prophecy mean?

What is the mark?

Well, the mark, Brian, is the bar code,
the ubiquitous bar code

that you'll find on every bog roll
and every packet of johnnies

and every poxy pork pie.

And every fucking bar code is divided
into two parts by three markers.

And those three markers are always
represented by the number six.

Six, six, Six.

Now, what does it say? "No one shall be able
to buy or sell without that mark."

And now, what they're planning to do
in order to eradicate all credit card fraud

and in order to precipitate
a totally cashless society,

what they're planning to do, what they've
already tested on the American troops,

they're gonna subcutaneously
laser-tattoo that mark

onto your right hand
or onto your forehead.

They're gonna replace plastic with flesh.

Fact!

In the same Book of Revelations,

when the seven seals are broken open
on the Day of Judgement

and the seven angels
blow the trumpets,

when the third angel blows her bugle,
wormwood will fall from the sky,

wormwood will poison

a third part of all the waters
and a third part of all the land,

and many, many, many people will die.

Now, do you know what
the Russian translation for "wormwood" is?

- No.
- Chernobyl.

Fact!

On August the 18th, 1999,

the planets of our solar system
are gonna line up into the shape of a cross.

- I don't believe in astrology.
- I'm not talking about astrology!

I'm talking about astronomy.

They're gonna line up in the fixed signs
of Aquarius, Leo, Taurus and Scorpio,

which just happen to correspond
to the four beasts of the Apocalypse,

as mentioned in the Book of Daniel.

Another fucking fact!

Do you want me to go on?
The end of the world is nigh, Bri.

The game is up!

I don't believe that.

Life can't just come to a stop.

All right, I'm not saying
that life will end

or the world will end
or the universe will cease to exist,

but man will cease to exist.

Just like the dinosaurs passed into extinction,
the same thing will happen to us.

We're not fucking important.
We're just a crap idea.

I'm not gonna cease to exist.

I'm gonna be here in the future.

What is this fucking fixation
with the future?

Listen, pal,
I've got chronic systolic palpitations

and acute fucking neuralgia.

What about these toilets?
Can I smoke in here?

No, you fucking can't!

- Let me ask you a question.
- What?

Have you ever had the sense that you've lived
in a time different from this one?

- What, you mean, like, in a past life?
- Could be, yeah.

- Well, in my past life, I was dead.
- Ah, well, you see, I wasn't.

I know I was here in the past,
before I was born.

So, I know I'm gonna be here
in the future, after I've died.

I see.
And in this alternative existence,

did you still have
the same noxious body odour?

There's no need to be personal.

- It's what I believe.
- Shall I tell you what I believe?

- You don't believe in anything.
- Oh, I do, Brian.

Yeah?
What do you believe?

Do you think that the amoeba ever dreamed
that it would evolve into the frog?

Of course it didn't.

And when that first frog shimmied out
of the water and employed its vocal cords

in order to attract a mate
or to retard a predator,

do you think that that frog ever imagined
that that incipient croak would evolve

into all the languages of the world,
into all the literature of the world?

Of course it fucking didn't.

And just as that froggy could never possibly
have conceived of Shakespeare,

SO we can never possibly
imagine our destiny.

I know what my destiny is.

Yeah, but what you're experiencing,
as far as I can gather

with all these manifestations
of regression and precognition

and transmigratory astral
fucking chatterings,

is just the equivalent
of that first primeval grunt,

because evolution isn't over.

Man isn't the be-all
and fucking end-all.

Look, if you take the whole of time,
represented by one year,

we're only in the first few moments
of the first of January.

There's a long way to go.

Only now we're not gonna sprout
extra limbs and wings and fins,

because evolution itself is evolving.

And whereas you, through some process
of extrasensory recall,

might imagine that you were some,
I don't know,

some 17th-century Dutch girl
living in a windmill in old Amsterdam,

one day you'll realise that you've had not
just one or two past or future existences,

but that you were, and are, everybody
and everything that has ever been

or will ever be.

Hang on a minute.
You just contradicted yourself.

Oh, and how'd you make that out?

Downstairs you were predicting
the end of the world.

Now you're talking about the future.

- How do you explain that, eh?
- Easy.

When it comes,
the Apocalypse itself

will be part of the process
of that leap of evolution.

Yeah.
Well, whatever happens,

mankind will not cease to exist.

It must.

By the very definition of Apocalypse,
mankind must cease to exist,

at least in a material form.

What do you mean,
"in a material form"?

- Well, it'll evolve.
- What into?

Into something that transcends matter.

Into a species of pure thought.
Are you with me?

Yeah. Like a ghost.

No, not like a fucking ghost,
you big girl's blouse!

Into something that's, like,
well beyond our comprehension.

Into a universal consciousness.

Into God, who is,
by the same principle that time is.

You don't believe in God.

Of course I believe in God.

You see, the thing is, Brian...

that God is a hateful god.

Must be.

Because if God is good,
then why is there evil in the world?

Why is there pain and hate
and greed and war?

Doesn't make sense.

But if God is a nasty bastard,

then you can say,
"Why is there good in the world?

"Why is there love and hope and joy?"

Well, let's face it - good exists
in order to be fucked up by evil.

The very existence of good
enables evil to flourish.

Therefore, God is bad.

And it doesn't matter how many past
or future existences you have,

because they're all gonna be riddled
with grief and anguish

and sickness and death.

You see, Brian,
God doesn't love you.

God despises you.

So there's no hope...

and mankind is just
a component of the device

by which the devil creates itself.

Are you with me?

You see, what I'm saying,
basically, is,

you can't make an omelette
without cracking a few eggs,

and humanity is just a cracked egg,

and the omelette... stinks.

Yeah.

Oh.

And what's through
the round window?

Who's that?

Good question.

Have you seen her before?

Oh, yeah.
She's there every night.

- Good-looking young girl, isn't she?
- She's all right.

Does she ever have fellas up there?

No.

Have you ever seen her, like,
you know, totally naked?

Once.

What's she up to, eh?

I mean, what's her game,
taunting people in the middle of the night, eh?

She probably gets a kick out of it,
like you get a kick out of watching her.

- I'm doing no such thing.
- Well, I am.

Have you got a hard-on?

No, I haven't, as a matter of fact.

You wouldn't tell me if you had,
would you?

No, I don't think I would.

Did you make these yourself?

- I did, yeah.
- I thought so.

Well, listen, I might be back
in a couple of minutes.

Be good.
If you can't be good, be careful.

- And other clichés.
- Yeah.

Well... tatty-bye, Bri.

Yes.

Charles? What?

Mais il est ou alors?

Ecoute,
Je ne sais pas qui vous étes.

Hello?

What the fuck's going on?
Where the bloody hell's Dorfman?

The bastard's cost me 30 grand already.

Quoi?

Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Fuck!

Sorry about that.

Oh, I'm sorry, love.

That's not you on the top floor,
is it, dancin'?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, right.
Um, you're a lovely mover.

I'm sorry, pet.
I'm, uh, freaking you out.

- Where's Bhapu?
- Bhapu?

- It's cold.
- Listen, I'd better explain meself.

You see, me brother's working
as an "insecurity" guard

in that fucking monstrosity round the back,
and we can see straight into your room.

It's very nice.

Anyway,
he's got his boss coming round,

so he's told me to schlep round the streets
for a couple of hours,

and I said I'd come and say hello
to Isadora Duncan, keep you company.

Hmm! I know it's a bit cheeky, but, uh,
I'm a cheeky young monkey.

- Do you want to come in?
- Is that all right?

Hmm. How long have you been
growing that?

- About two inches.
- Hmm. It's nice.

You've had a few, haven't you, love?

- Do you want to come in?
- Thought you'd never ask.

- Am I allowed to smoke in here?
- Yeah.

Thank Christ for that.

Do you want a drink?

- Mm.
- I think I better had, don't you?

Got a bit of fucking
catching up to do, ain't I?

Here's to the monarchy.

What's funny?

I'm not laughing.

So do you live here on your own, yeah?

Is this what you're reading?

Jane Austen by Emma.

- It's my favourite book.
- Is it really?

I don't read much myself.

You from Ireland?

No.

Why?

What's that, a damp patch?

Oh.

I never noticed that before.

How's it going inside there?

Mm. Baby.

Baby.

How old are you, love?

It's funny, cos from over there
you look a lot younger.

I think me big brother's
quite taken with you.

He's up there every night,
having a bit of a wank about you,

you with me?

Mm... mm!

What's the matter?

Don't do that.

What, that?

Or that?

Don't you like that?

You don't have to hurt me.

I'm sorry.

Bite me.

Fucking bite me.

- Come on.
- Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Who's this?

Who's this?

I can't, love.

You look like me mother.

Think you can recapture your youth
by fuckin" it?

You don't wanna fuck me.
You'll catch something cruel.

Bonjour.

What's going on?
What are you doing here?

Well, you see, I was over here, like this,
but that didn't really work for me,

so I thought I'd try over here.

But I don't think there's much future
in this one either.

Fuckin' hell.
Have you got any suggestions?

Nope.

So, what do you do now?

I'm gonna get some breakfast.

Yeah, I could do with something to eat.
Can I come with ya?

- Have you got any money?
- Nope.

Well, how are you gonna pay for it?

I'm not.

Well, I'm hungry.

- Did you have to go and beat her up?
- I never beat her up.

- You've shagged her, though?
- No.

You don't believe me, do you?

- She's older than you.
- Bollocks.

Poached egg.

That skirt's a bit short, innit, love?
It's disgraceful.

What's this?

That's where I'm gonna live.

Where is it?

Ireland.

I've lived in that cottage before.

What, in one of your past lives?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

Fuckin' shit-hole, innit?

- Don't waste your life.
- What?

Don't waste your life.

- What time does this place close?
- Four o'clock.

Uh, listen, can you tell me
where I can get something to eat round here?

What?

- You've got a very nice smile.
- Have I?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, sir.

I'll take that, sir.

Your lady companion is joining you, sir?

Uh, no, she can't make it today, pal.

The old sciatica's playing up and everything,
you know?

- Come on.
- What?

- Out of the car.
- Well, I've only just got in the car.

Get out of the fucking car!

All right, Parker.
Keep your hair on.

Well, that was lovely.
Thank you.

Keep in touch.

Oh, fuck.

- Who are you?
- Sebastian Hawks.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah. Um, what you doin' here?

I'm an acquaintance of Sandra's.

- Oh, yeah?
- I just popped round to say hello.

Well, Sandra's away
at the moment, actually.

Really?

I hope you don't mind,
but I helped myself to a beer.

Yeah, I noticed.
Is that your champagne and all?

- You like champagne, do you?
- Yeah. I do, as it happens.

This is a very nice flat,
don't you think?

How did you get in here?

Tell me, do you have any problems
with the central heating?

Oh, are you the plumber?

Let's just say I've got
a vested interest in the property.

Fuckin' hell.
You're the landlord.

- I'd rather you thought of me as a friend.
- Oh, shit.

What, is Sandra behind on the rent
or something?

- Was your tattoo painful?
- Yeah.

Good.

You're very beautiful, aren't you?

Am I?

In a quirky sort of way.

- Are you a nurse?
- Yeah.

Psychiatric.

These are a very fetching
pair of tights.

Oh, you like them, do ya,
Mr Landlord?

Can we have
that champagne now, please?

Did you buy them like this,
or are the holes self-inflicted?

Nah. A spider spun them,
and that's where he had a tea break.

Fucking hell!
That's a bit excessive, innit?

- I rather like this belt, too.
- Oh, God.

Here we go.

Uh, excuse me.
Where do you think you're going?

I'm going home.

- What, you're leaving me?
- Yeah.

I've come all this way to see you,
and you're going.

I can't believe it.
I'm stunned. I'm flabbergasted.

So we'll get you a tissue.

Sounds promising.
Do you live nearby?

- I might do.
- I mean, is it within walking distance?

No, cos you see, I've got this fascination
with all things peripatetic.

See ya.

Cheeky, aren't I?

Have you stolen the tea cosy?

Love, people can see you wearing that thing.
You're not embarrassed?

No?

Don't give up.

Oh! Ow!

Put this on.

Oh, what?

Gonna play doctors and nurses now,
are we?

Hurry up.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Listen, I'm really sorry, right,
but I've had a bit of a rough week,

and I just don't think
I can go through with this.

Oh! No!

Oh, you fucker!

Fuck off! Leave me alone!

No!

Oh, don't!

You vile bastard!

Do you want some beans?

Yeah, cheers.

So, what would you be doing now
if I wasn't here?

Don't know.

Having a shower, relaxing.

I could do with a shower meself.

I haven't washed for about a week,
as you've probably noticed.

You can have one if you like.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Bathroom's just here.

Fuckin' hell.

What did I do to deserve you, love?

Just press this button.

Now, listen...

you're not gonna creep up on me
with a big knife,

dressed up as your mother, are you?

No.

But it looks like you already
are dressed up as your mother.

Can I have me bag?

It's got me duck in it.

Ta.

Oh, dear.

Who lives here, then? Zeus?

- Is all this stuff yours?
- No.

All these pseudo Doric midgets
with their novelty underpants.

Oh, look at this one,
touching time with a barge pole.

I wouldn't.

Is he a Homer-sexual, yeah?

What do you think?

- Where is he?
- They're in America.

- "They"?
- Yeah.

- When are they gettin' back?
- Don't know.

And they're just letting you
stop here for nothing?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I don't know them.

I don't know,
I find all this a bit sad.

Why?

No, I don't mean that
to sound Homer-phobic.

I mean, I like The lliad.

And The Odyssey.
Did you get that?

No.

So, have you read
many of these books?

No, I haven't.

Oh.
I've read quite a few.

Oh, look!
Do you get it now?

Do you know this?

I bet you do.

You've most likely done it at school.
You just can't remember.

You know, like, uh, Achilles heel,
the wooden horse, Helen of Troy.

- You know them?
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's all it is.
Good stuff.

Cyclops.

Oh, hello.

It's, uh, pizza delivery man.

Do you want those beans?

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Sebastian Hawks.

Good evening.

Very nice to meet you, Louise.

Very nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you.

- Sophie?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm in here.

- Oh. You all right?
- I've never been better.

We've had a very interesting afternoon.
Haven't we, Sophie?

It's been fascinating.

For services rendered.

Fuck off.

- Who's your friend?
- He's the landlord, isn't he?

- Whose landlord?
- Our fucking landlord.

- Oh, get out of town.
- Ask him.

- What you wearin' Sandra's uniform for?
- I don't wanna talk about it. All right?

- Well, do you want a cup of tea?
- Yeah.

So, have you been sittin'
on his face all afternoon?

- I don't need this.
- Jesus Christ.

I get home from work - all I wanna do
is put my feet up and watch the telly,

not get involved in one of your orgies.
Do you know what I mean?

What happened to your arm?

Sophie, what's been going on?

- Have you put the kettle on?
- Yeah.

Any chance of a coffee, Louise?

Yeah. Sure.

- These are a very nice pair of shorts.
- Would you take your hands off me, please?

I apologise.

Right, pal. Here's your clothes.
Get your kit on and sling your hook.

Here's your shoes, mate.

Hope I haven't given you AIDS, Sophie.

- Jesus Christ!
- Fucking hell! Are you serious?

- Merely jesting.
- Very funny.

Mind you, I think AIDS is rather healthy,
in its way.

You what?

I realise that's not the fashionable thing
to say, of course.

- No, it's not.
- But the world is overcrowded, isn't it?

- Could do with a bit of pruning.
- You fucking better be joking.

You're not going to have children,
are you, Louise?

I might do one day.

I loathe children, I must say.

I bet they're not too keen on you neither.

I'm sure you like fucking.
Don't you, Louise?

- Are you going?
- I'm rather enjoying myself, actually.

- Yeah, well, we're not.
- That's a pity.

Look, you may be the landlord from hell,

but that doesn't give you the right
to lie on our couch.

- Whose couch?
- Do you want me to phone the police?

Be my guest.

Right.

- Listen, I can't have them in here.
- Why not?

They're gonna look at him in his suit
and one look at us,

and who do you think
they're gonna believe?

There's fucking dope all over the place.

Well, we're just winding him up.
He's loving this.

What are we gonna do?

It's very peaceful here, innit?

Suppose so.

Are you warm enough?

Yeah, it's nice. Thanks.

It's funny, cos the silence
usually freaks me out.

You start to pick up on all the small sounds,
you know what I mean?

Like that clock.

I hate that fucking clock.

Course you do.
It's a clock.

Is it all right
if I stay here tonight?

Have you ever had a dog?

No.

- I don't like dogs.
- Why?

Well, they're either vicious or daft.

- Why? Have you?
- Yeah.

- Is it dead now?
- Yeah.

Did you bury it?

Don't know.
Me dad took it.

And what about you?
Would you like to be buried or cremated?

I couldn't give a shit.

I had this, uh, dream the other night
about these two skeletons havin' a fuck.

Was a right bloody racket.
Woke me up.

Have you got a photo of your mum?

- What, on me?
- Yeah.

No.

I think you might find one over
at the news agent's, on the top shelf.

Do you want some beans?

- You've got a very sad face.
- Have I?

It's all right.
I mean, I find that attractive.

But that's me.

So, have you got a boyfriend
or anything?

What are you gonna do for Christmas?

I don't know.
What are you gonna do?

You all right?

- What's the matter?
- Fuck off!

What's up, love?

- Is it something I said?
- I want you to go.

- Why?
- Can you go, please?

- Is it cos I don't like dogs?
- Get out!

- Don't quite follow, love.
- Just fuck off!

Oh. I see.

Um...

Well, perhaps
I was jumping to conclusions,

but I got the impression that I could
kip down on the sofa or something.

- Go!
- Go where?

Have you got any suggestions?

Cos it's like a fucking Eskimo's grave
out there.

Hey! Hey!

All right, I'm going!

Hey!

It's not easy, is it?

Do you find that?

Well...

just goes to show ya...

that no matter
how many books you read,

there's some things in this world
that you never, ever, ever, ever...

ever fuckin' understand.

Oh, thank you for the tea
and the bath and the booze.

And the beans.

And listen, love, I hope that when you're
tucked up tonight all snug and warm

underneath your tear-sodden
fuckin' duvet

and your ankle-length
Emily Bronté winding sheet

that you spare a thought for me
with me head in a puddle of cold dog's piss.

And I hope that you dream about me.

And I hope that you wake up screamin'.

And I hope that all your fuckin' children

are born blind, bow-legged,
hare-lipped, homeless hunchbacks!

Have you ever had an abortion?

- Have you?
- No. I thought I was pregnant once.

Would you have had one?

In the end, it turned out I wasn't,
and he left me anyway, so...

I wanted to keep mine.

What happened?

All my mates said
I couldn't look after a baby.

Too fucking right.

Did it make you feel shitty?

It was a nightmare.

I really loved ‘im.

- He was a philosopher.
- Where was this?

- Paris.
- Paris?

Should have seen
the state of his girlfriend.

Had one when I was 15 and all.

Jesus, Sophie.

And that one was worse for my mum.
Fucking drama she made out of it.

I could have been married by now
with a four-year-old.

Do you wanna get married?

Don't know.

Just cos you have a kid with someone
doesn't mean they're gonna stick around.

My dad didn't.
Couldn't fucking wait to get out.

Well, I don't know
if I want to get married,

but I wouldn't say no
to a proper relationship.

What is a proper relationship?

Living with someone who talks to ya
after they've bonked ya.

I don't know what they want from you
half the time.

What they start off liking you for,
they end up hating you for.

Don't like you if you're strong.
Don't like you if you're weak.

Hate you if you're clever.
Hate you if you're stupid.

They don't know what they want.

Do you think that bastard's fucked off yet?

Yeah, he must have done by now.

Is this a stick-up?

- So you must get that all the time, yeah?
- Yeah.

Just got it again.

So, is this your job,
or a nice little hobby you've got for yourself?

You're a lovely mover.

- This your van, yeah?
- Yeah.

It's, like, uh, I don't know,
top of the range.

Very nice.

- Are you going up the road?
- You want a lift?

- That all right with ya?
- Yeah.

Cheers.

It's just I been walkin' round the streets
all night, you know what I mean?

These fuckin' feet are on their last legs,
I'm tellin' ya.

- So, how much do you earn for doin' this?
- It's none of your fuckin' business.

I mean, is the pay as substantial
as, say, the wages of sin?

Know what I mean?
You with me?

Listen, Captain, is it all right
if I have a go at doing this, yeah?

Oh! God love ya.

Or does it take, like, thousands of years
of state-subsidised government training

to do this clobber, yeah?

You gotta slap on, like, copious quantities
of the old industrial sputum there.

Beg your pardon.

It's a wonderful career opportunity for me.
You know what I mean?

- I'm gonna play the joker on this one.
- Shift!

- Very well. Agh!
- Shift out of the fucking way.

No, I like Laurel and Hardy, although
apparently they didn't get on in real life.

Another illusion shattered.

Sorry about that, pal. It's just, I've had
a lot of bad experience with walls, you know,

what with talking to them
and climbing them.

Me dad's driven me up a good few in his time.
You know what I mean?

But I think I've got a secret -
a saucy little secret.

The solipsistic, sagacious little secret
is just, you got... you just gotta...

bang your fuckin' head against ‘em.

Just crack the old pate.
Are you with me?

Have you got it? And that's it.
That is the key to enlightenment, which is...

It's, like, that's why... that's why it's, like,
such a potent motif of civilisation.

It's the wall.
It's, like, the Great Wall of China

and the wall of Jericho
and the Berlin Wall and the Wailing Wall.

Now, you see, the Jews,
they've almost got it, haven't they?

A real rockin' and that, you know.
Just six inches away and they'll be there.

They'd have won the fucking race.
They'll be there. Are you with me?

What is all this, anyway?
What are you doin'? Cancel everything.

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was "cancelled".

You get satisfaction out of this?
You think you're making a contribution?

You're, like,
sort of publicly promulgating vacuities.

Are you with me?

Fuckin' hell!

That's it!
Blank it all out!

Blank it all out till you just atrophy
and die of fuckin' indifference!

Can I show you something, pal?
You see that at the top of your legs?

That's your arse, right,
and that's your fuckin' elbow.

Do you wanna write it down or...
Oh! Fuck.

Ow.

Ow.

Who's that supposed to be?
Me dad?

You wanna watch that, mate.
I've got a dicky sacrum here.

Shit.

F...

Uh, can you, uh, come back here?

Uh, did I upset ya?

Mate!

You got me bag!

You fucking tosser!

You've got... Fuck!

Fuck!

All right, listen.
Does anybody mind if I scream here?

Is that OK with you all?
Cos I'd feel better for it. It won't take long.

Fuck.

Who's that?

Let's get him.

Let's go. Fuck.

Let's do it.

Who's that?

Oh, Jesus.

What's been happening to ya?

Will you shut up, for God's sake.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Just give us a fag.

Fucking comedian.

It's not my fault.

What's not your fault?

- Where are you going?
- I just want to go to bed.

Will you be quiet!

- I fuckin' walked here.
- Where from?

Which way?

Um... I'm gon...

I'm gonna be sick.

Fuckin' hell.
What's happened to him?

Don't know.

- Johnny. Are you all right, Johnny?
- Get off!

Shh!

- Is he still here?
- I don't know.

- Right. We'd better get him into bed.
- Yeah.

- You take that end, I'll take this end.
- OK. Don't push me, all right?

I'm not pushin' ya.

- Careful. That's his bad leg.
- Well, what do you want me to do?

After three.

One, two, three.

I wanna go. I wanna go!

Johnny...

Johnny!

I know.

I know you told me.

And... I'm not here yet!
I'm still wet.

What did she mean?

Why not me brother?

Will it be quiet now? Yeah?

Are we going?

Oh, fuck. Shit.

- Who's this?
- It's all right. He's a friend of mine.

What extraordinary friends
you have.

- He's only got one sock on.
- Shut up!

You seem a bit tense, Sophie.
Would you like a massage?

- Are you the doctor?
- Pardon?

Is he the doctor?

You're rather disgusting,
aren't you?

You're not crying, are you, Louise?

Oh, listen,
when are you gonna fuck off?

This has got nothing to do with you.
Right?

No! No! Stop!

- Leave me alone!
- Ow, me leg!

- You don't know.
- Aren't people pathetic?

Right.
I'm going to beddy-byes.

If anyone wishes to join me,
I'll be under the duvet.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Are you?

Yeah.

Come on.
I'll give you a hand.

I'm all right.
I walked here.

Is it here?

Yeah.

- Who's that?
- Clancy.

I thought so.

I used to know you, didn't I?

Yeah.

I've got an hard-on.

What's...

What are you...

This is, uh...

It's disgusting!

Nobody in my...

Who's he?

You've got your boots on!

She's...

And what's this doing?

This is something I can't...

I don't...

It's not...

I just don't need all this...
palaver.

Oh, shit.

OK, who's Jeremy?

- Who's Jeremy?
- What do you mean?

Sandra.
What a nice surprise.

- What are you doing here?
- How was Zimbabwe?

Shift!

Morning, Louise.

- Where's Jeremy?
- Who's Jeremy?

- These are Jeremy's.
- That's Sebastian's.

No, look. "Jeremy Smart."
"Jeremy Smart." "Jeremy G. Smart."

Well, I've never heard of him.

Sebastian, who...

Are you Jeremy G. Smart?
Are you?

- Johnny. Johnny, wake up.
- Leave him.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Sophie.
Sandra's back.

- What day is it?
- It's Friday.

Oh, fuck this.

- Look at his eye.
- Christ.

He can lie down in my room.
Oh, God!

What are you doing?
He's not harming anyone.

- Have you seen the state of her? Johnny!
- I'm here, Johnny.

Morning, everyone!

I would actually like to have some kind
of explanation for all this because...

- Having fun?
- Can you put these on, please?

Sophie and I had a fuck on your bed
yesterday afternoon, Sandra.

- Oh, God.
- You are just...

- She was very good, I must say.
- Filth!

- Not as good as you, though.
- You lying...

- Nastiness!
- We must do it again sometime.

Will you...

How can you...

Everything...

I can't cope with this.

You've got five minutes.

Five minutes to get your things on
and get the hell ou...

I shouldn't worry about it so much
if I were you.

I'd forgotten what a beautiful bottom
you've got, Sandra.

- Two minutes.

Marvellous tits.

Listen, Sandra, I'm really sorry.
We weren't expecting you back.

I fail to... Why...

It's a pigsty! It's...

- I know. It just got out of hand.
- Obviously!

- And what's all that?
- He's a friend of mine.

- Look, can I make you a cup of tea?
- I don't want tea. I don't want...

I just want...
My journey was...

- He's not very well!
- What's the matter with him?

He's got a lump on his face the size
of a boiled egg, and he won't wake up.

- Did he do this?
- Who?

- Sebastian. Jeremy!
- You never warned me about him, did ya?

- What are you talking about?
- Fucking letting himself in with the keys.

- Bastard!
- I don't...

Right.
Let's get this shoe off.

Have you ever had smoked salmon
after making love, Louise?

Don't like smoked salmon.

I think you should try it.
It's rather wonderful.

Will you undo your fly, Sebastian?

Would you like me to?

Honest.

Oh, do you not want me to slice your prick off
and shove it up your arse?

Maggot-dick.

Could you pass me that pillow, please?

- Here you go.
- I can't move, Sandra.

You are worse than useless.

You all right?
You don't think it's broken, do ya?

No, he can move it.

You can do that, can't you?

Why would I want to do that?

Don't even...
Not in my room, Sophie!

I need a fag.

I don't care.
Cop hold of that.

Oh, just don't start, right?

It really is beyond me the way you girls
choose to live your lives.

My mind just... boggles.

He's gone back to sleep.

Was that the front door?

- He's gone.
- Thank God.

Go slowly, Johnny.

Now, what you two must do
is take this one to Casualty

and make sure he gets himself looked at
before he goes home.

- Gonna be sick.
- Are you? Get him into the bathroom!

All right! All right! Let's not...

Just a minute.
That's it.

- Make it steady.
- Here you are.

OK.

It's in me tash.

Yeah, you wanna get it cut.

It's in your mouth.

Have you had a bath lately?

- I had one yesterday.
- As if!

- I did.
- Where have you been, Johnny?

Down the Via De La Rosa.
Don't be nosy.

- You not going to work?
- I'm late.

- Ah. You'll get the sack.
- Yeah.

It's all right.
You can put all your troubles in it.

- Hey, I lost me bag.
- Yeah, I noticed. Where is it?

- I don't know. It's lost.
- Any valuables?

Yeah, it's got me collection
of famous retired glove puppets in there.

That's it. All gone.

Did you get it nicked?

Would you put that out?

I haven't cleaned me teeth yet.

Could you not just put 'em
in a glass or something, no?

I remember
when you bought these shorts.

I warned you about ‘em then.

Yeah, well...

- I only got 'em to piss you off.
- Mission accomplished.

Is he all right?

Yeah.

What, is this a spectator sport or something?
The hundred-meter vomit?

Sophie, do you mind if I have a word
with Johnny on me own?

Do you want a word with Louise
on your own?

- Are you being sarcastic?
- No.

Well, do as you're told.

Right.

Whose is all this money?
Three hundred and eighty pounds.

It really oughtn't to be left laying,
waiting for...

- Whose is all that?
- Don't know.

Who's been playing ping-pong
with your face?

Sky fell in on me.

A cloud caught me across the cheek.

- So, why did you come to London?
- Come to run in the marathon.

Will you give me
a straight answer, please?

Well, I had to get out of Manchester
cos I was gonna get a beating,

and I come down here and, uh...
get a beating.

- Were you asking for it?
- No.

I wasn't.
They just come out of nowhere.

- Honest?
- Yeah.

- So, what you gonna do?
- What you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Don't know.
Might go home for the weekend.

Well, there's no place like it.

Might not come back.

Are you going back?

Is that nice?

Yeah.

I'm puttin' the "fun" back
in "fundament".

Are ya?

- Well, I'll have to go back sometime, won't I?
- And what about us?

What about us?

- Do ya hate me?
- Fuck off.

My mum was seven years younger than you
when she had me.

- Don't.
- What?

Just...

Well, she was.

- I'm full of shit, aren't I?
- Sometimes.

Well, it's all right,
I've had it all kicked out of me now.

Oh. Good.

What if God just put us here
for his own entertainment?

That's all we are -

just something for him
to have a bit of a laugh at.

Could be, couldn't it...
if you think about it?

Give us your right hand.

The other way up.

- Boop, boop.

Boop, boop.

What's that?

- That's funny to me.
- You're daft, you.

It's, uh, toilet humour.

Will you give me a cuddle, Johnny?

Yeah.

What's happening?

Can you not tell me?

If no one tells me what's going on,
then how am I supposed to...

I don't understand, Johnny!

- How was Zambia?
- It was Zimbabwe!

I went to Zimbabwe
with my wanker boyfriend, my ex...

What did I do wrong?

Did you see any big animals?

Yes! We saw elephants and rhinos
and zebras and lions and vultures.

- Did you see any monkeys?
- We saw many monkeys.

Were they cheeky?

It's not good for me, is it,
all this, in my condition?

Well, yes... No... Yes...

It's not good for me, it's not good for you.
It's not good for any of us!

- It's utterly...
- Oh, excuse me for living!

Is... Is this it, Johnny?

- Is it?
- Is what it?

I can't bear it!

Right. I'm off!

Off your trolley.

Oh, don't fucking take the piss
out of me, you bastard!

You don't know!

All I want...

Nobody has any...

Can you just please try and...

- I've had enough! Oh, God!
- This is a nightmare!

If you could just try
and pull yourself together!

- Where are you going?
- I don't know!

Why don't you come
and have a lie-down?

- I don't care!
- Sophie!

- Here's the keys!
- I don't want the keys.

- Well, I don't fucking want ‘em!
- I'm not a social worker!

Sophie!

Don't be fucking stupid.

What's the point, Louise?

Sophie!

I'm sorry.

Johnny.

You all right?

- Mm?
- I'm going.

- Where?
- Work, to hand me notice in.

Then I'm coming back here
and packing me bags and I'm going home.

Do you want to come?

- Today?
- Yeah.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

- How?
- Bus.

- Well, have you got enough dough?
- Yeah.

- Cos I've not got nothin'.
- I know.

Do you think you can make it?

Don't know.

Well, if you can't,
we can stay here till tomorrow.

I'll see you later.

Uh, can you leave us a few fags
for cancer research?

Here are your...

I was actually hoping
that the air could...

What are we gonna do about all this?

I don't know, Sandra.

Look, I'll see you
in a couple of hours.

- Fine.
- Uh, you will come back?

Yeah. Of course I will.

- Because I need...
- You'll be all right, won't ya?

- Will I be all right, love?
- I'm gonna get the bath cleaned.

You all know what it does to you,

and yet you still insist on doing it,
so do it.

Smoke yourself to...

Well, birds do it, bees do it.

...high heaven.

Can you tell me something, love?

Is it true that some babies
are born covered in fur?

Up.

Thank you.

And you know, at birth,
when you cut the umbilical cord,

what would happen if, uh...
well, if it was never cut?

I don't need this. I just...

Well, it'd be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
Especially at my age.

Why do you feel the need
to take the piss?

I'm not taking the piss.

- It's nice, that. Where is it from?
- I don't know.

It's something my dad...

Now, you see,
Sophie just turned that to the wall.

She's got this kind of
irritating proclivity for negation.

Suppose she thinks
it's progressive or something.

- What is your problem?
- Nothing. What's your problem?

All these silly questions and...

Well, look, I've never met a nurse before,
and I'm just interested in, uh... well, in life.

I mean, do you think it's worth saving?

Of course I do!

But there is a time and a place,

and, actually,
this isn't the time or...

- The place?
- No.

And this is where I...

- Live?
- Yes!

And I'm not feeling very...

- Sexy?
- Comfortable, actually.

I'm not feeling very comfortable.

Well, make yourself comfortable, love,
or slip into something more...

My bath...

Hot toast, hot milk,
hot water bottle, bed, sleep.

- Do you like me?
- I don't know you, so...

Do you find me attractive?

Well, listen, love, it's like this -
I find you attractive.

- Very attractive.
- Enough.

I've had enough.

It comes at me from all angles.

You... All of you just...

It's the tin lids...

When...
How will the world ever...

- End?
- Yes!

Hmm-hmm.