Original subtitles

(waves crash)

(bats flutter)

(riders cheer)

(magical music)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(wolf howls)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

[Voiceover] Name?

[Voiceover] Clarissa Darling.

Sign here.

I'm gonna need that scarf girl.

And you're gonna have to lose those hoops.

Any other piercings or body jewelry

they can get a hold of?

(suspenseful orchestral music)

Mm hm.

(buzzer buzzes)

(bell dings)

(door creaks)

(siren buzzes)

(door creaks)

(inaudible chatter)

Stay behind the yellow line.

(inaudible cackles)

(door creaks)

(inaudible cackles)

Hello baby, do you like it long and hard?

(laughs maniacally)

I am hot and fresh for you.

(laughs maniacally)

Don't make eye contact.

Get me out of here, I'm not a whore,

I just needed the dough.

(chuckles)

This way.

Hey man, you want to get baked man?

(laughs boisterously)

Hey Mary, how would you like to get yourself sticky

with a little cream puff?

(laughs deviously) (Clarissa gasps)

Damn.

(laughs deviously)

I can smell your muffin!

(Clarissa groans) (laughs deviously)

(electric buzzes)

Good evening.

I'm ok.

(suspenseful music)

Good evening.

Mr. Gingerdead Man sir,

my name is Clarissa Darling.

May I have a word with you, sir?

May I see your credentials please?

Certainly.

(suspenseful music)

Closer please.

Closer.

Still not close enough.

That's a library card.

Mr. Gingerded Man sir,

I've been sent here by the FBI.

Tell me Clarissa, when you were running

down the hall just now,

that little cream puff, he shouted something at you.

Tell me, what did he say?

He said,

"I can smell your muffin."

(Gingerdead Man inhales sharply)

I, however, can not.

I do however, smell the faint undertone

of vanilla scented skin cream,

and that pimento loaf sandwich

that you had for lunch, but not today.

I am putting together a case study

on just what it is that drives you to kill sir,

if you are willing to cooperate in my investigation,

the DA is willing to cut you a deal.

Candy Land Island.

Just off the coast of Lolipop Bay.

Everyday, for three hours, you will be permitted

to go outside into the fresh air.

You will walk on the brown sugar beach,

you will swim in the lemonade ocean

under (sighs) SWAT team surveillance of course.

Will I now?

Come, come Clarissa, let's not play games.

Do you honestly think they can send

some rookie in here to try and unlock

the complicated secrets of my brilliant sophisticated mind?

(farts loudly)

(laughs gleefully)

What are the ingredients that drive you to kill?

(buzzer buzzes) Huh?

[Voiceover] Attention all side chief personnel,

there's been a security breach.

We have been infiltrated by misguided animal activists.

All personnel are to evacuate the premises immediately.

(Gingerdead Man gulps)

(door clanks)

Oh my God, the horror!

What the fuck?

(background clatters)

(laughs evilly)

(chuckles gleefully)

You hippy mother fuckers can't be up in here.

Yo Ezekiel, release these imprisoned creations of God.

(club bangs)

Yea, run chipmunk.

Run muskrats!

Sugar gliders be free once again

from the horrors of intersection.

(glass crashes)

Sweets for the sweet, hey Gingerdead Man,

there is no FBI case.

You posses the soul of my homeless brother

and drove him to kill himself.

Now I'm here to even the score

you little half baked piece of shit.

No!

[Clarissa] No!

(gun fires)

(giggles)

Go be free!

(groans vigorously)

Oh my God!

Look what they've done to you,

they've shaved your body

and your little jelly bean buttons.

Oh they've cut off your noble (mumbles).

Don't you worry, I'm gonna get you out of here.

(Gingerdead Man groans)

Be free, be free little capuchin monkey, be free.

Run, run as fast as you can.

No, you don't understand!

(nose pops)

Fuck you!

I'll kill you...

[Gingerdead Man] And fuck you too!

Do you understand me Mr. Gingerdead Man?

(screams painfully)

I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do,

I will track you until the end of time!

Oh, shit!

(screams horrified)

(tiresome gasps)

Gotta haul ass.

Where am I?

Well fuck me to tears, looks like I'm toast.

There he is! (gun fires)

[Gingerdead Man] Mother fucker!

This looks like fun.

(door creaks)

By Joe, I think we've got it!

This sustenance time machine

can actually send simple food matter

into time and space.

Soon, hunger as we know it will be eradicated, forever.

Just think of it,

a loaf of bread with an expiration date of 100 years!

(laugh gleefully)

[Gingerdead Man] Too bad your expiration date

is right fucking now.

(gun shots erupt)

(laughs evilly)

Woo!

Open the door, you little fucking fruitcake.

I'm gonna knock that ass out.

Hurry up open the door, I can't wait

'til I'll be able to bust your ass.

(Gingerdead Man groans)

(door breaks)

Freeze you little fun sized fucker.

Oh?

Sorry brown sugar, I'm gonna have to catch you

some other time!

(laughs evilly)

(electronic swirls erupt)

(Gingerdead Man screams)

(upbeat rock music)

* Run, run, run as fast as you can

* I'm not all mean, I've devised a plan

* I'm sick, I'm whack, I'm a maniac

* I'm touched, I'll slides, I'll bust a cap

* So run, run, run as fast as you can

* So run

* Just run

* I said run

* I'm a deviant outcast out for blood

* Knowing the goal, you're name is mud

* You didn't meet, you're ass is grass

* I'm opening up a can of whoop ass

* So run, run, run as fast as you can

* So run

* Just run

* I said run

* I'm a type O negative sociopath

* I'll tear your heart, you'll feel my wrath

* I'll run your bones 'til they run red

* You won't fight back 'cause you'll be dead

* So run, run, run as fast as you can

* So run

* Just run

* I said run

* Run, run, run as fast as you can

* I'll take you out with a frying pan

* Well in my way I'm ready to brawl

* I'm a walking talking wrecking ball

* So run, run, run as fast as you can

* So run

* Just run

* I said run

* So run

* Yea

* Huh

(funky disco music)

(electronic swooshes erupt)

Huh?

1976?

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Well, oh, I gotta get outta here.

(Gingerdead Man screams frustrated)

What are you do?

(gasps)

Look out, look out!

(chatters painfully)

(inhales sharply)

Oh yea.

(inhales sharply)

Oh yea!

Snowball!

Hey everybody, it's time to switch it up!

Change partners!

(funky disco music)

Looking good PJ!

[Voiceover] Hey classy lady!

Oh yea, taking shit!

Hey, where are you going?

Huh?

Oh, pussy!

(funky disco music)

That twirls Epstien,

he's gonna skate in the Olympics some day.

How do you know that?

Shut up Pickles!

He's waiting to ask Tammy Pimento to marry him

until he wins a gold medal,

then he's gonna melt the gold medal down

and make two matching rings,

so they can have a white wedding on wheels.

Oh God, I'm gonna puke!

[Little Girl] Oh shut up Pickles!

Oh, all right, enough, get away!

Such a freaking fox.

Duh!

I mean, why else do you think I'd be reigning roller queen

for four years in a row?

Are you ready to bring home another crown tonight baby?

[Woman] What do you think?

I think...

I'd like to peel off those satin pants

and ball you in the back of my Trans AM.

Ugh back off Epstein.

[Epstein] Come on, you know you're my best girl.

Give me some loving.

Whatever...

you'll get your rocks off after I get my title.

Tonight, it's my night.

And none of these little rink rats

are gonna take my crown away from me.

Well then I better make sure

you get what's rightfully yours.

If I do, then...

well.

(giggles alluringly)

(upbeat disco music)

Cunt!

Attention skaters!

Welcome to the fourth annual Roller Boogie Queen Contest

here at Trixie's Roller Land.

(crowd cheers)

Is everybody getting down and having a good time?

(crowd cheers)

Get out on the rink and show us it's done Trixie!

(crowd cheers)

Oh children, I think it's no secret

that my skating days have come and gone.

And sadly, so have all of yours.

(crowd protests confused)

Coincidentally, on this day

of great roller boogie celebration,

I have received a telegram from the county tax commission.

There is a balance of back property taxes

that is going to result in me closing the doors

of the roller disco.

Uncle Sam can't kill disco!

(crowd yells agreeably)

We're not gonna let a few back taxes

shut this place down!

(crowd yells agreeably)

You're right!

It would take exactly $85,000 for that to happen.

Well if we all work together,

maybe we could raise the dough

and pay for it ourselves?

(crowd shouts agreeably)

I know!

Maybe we can hold a roller disco bikini car wash

in the parking lot tonight!

(crowd cheers)

Oh, that'll help.

Oh, oh, oh, I know!

We could have a roller boogie bake sale!

(crowd cheers agreeably)

Surrounded by idiots!

Bake sale, here we go again!

Whoa!

Please, while I appreciate your generous selflessness,

there's nothing I can do.

Let's just turn those frowns upside down

and keep on trucking!

(crowd cheers)

Little Angel!

Huh?

Get that mirror ball spinning white hot!

If this is gonna be the final roller boogie contest,

let's make it the best one ever!

(crowd cheers)

Oh, and one more thing before the festivities begin.

I'd like to introduce you all,

to my pride and joy,

my lovely niece Cherry.

She's come here to help me pack up

what's left of my dream.

Please embrace her and make her feel welcome,

she's all I've got left in this world.

Say hi Cherry, don't be shy.

Hello.

(crowd greetings erupt)

Isn't she a delight?

Nerd!

(light shatters)

(ominous music)

And don't forget to cast your votes

for the final roller boogie queen

with our very own rink manager, Miss Ingrid Harshman.

(crowd cheers)

Now let's roller boogie!

(crowd cheers)

(funky disco music)

(eerie violins snap)

(funky disco music)

(laughs boisterously)

(groans frustratedly)

Come on, why isn't this stupid fucking thing working?

Get me the fuck outta here!

Oh come on!

(whimpers frustratedly)

Dynamite!

Huh?

Asshole!

Of all the shithead decades to get stranded in.

(funky disco music)

DJoreen, Sandy, it's time for the big car wash!

Oh ok Connie!

We're gonna do what?

(girls squeal)

I'm gonna get you both wet!

(girls squeal)

Oh, whoa!

I'm gonna hose some hoes!

(girls squeal gleefully)

(groans pleasurably)

Nice rack!

Well as long as I'm stranded here,

might as well roll a few heads!

Woo hoo!

Where's the cigarette machine?

Hey Peaches, happy last night of Boogie Land.

Right back at your Peej!

Oh my God, Tux look!

What?

My mood ring, it says that something epic

is gonna happen tonight that I'm never gonna forget.

Duh!

What's that?

I call it Tux's magical trail mix.

Shrooms, loods, acid, ecstasy, bennies, and nose candy,

if we gotta say goodbye to Boogie Land,

I say we cannonball it to the max.

Count me in!

Ok, what should we start with first?

How about a couple of these?

Let's get it on.

(chuckles)

(laughs playfully)

(upbeat disco music)

Randy.

Randy, this is my precious niece.

She'll be helping us close the place this week

and I thought maybe you might show her around.

Sure thing.

Hi, I'm Randy.

She's Cherry, and I'd like her to stay that way,

so if it's not too much trouble.

Yea, yea no problem.

I was gonna take a break in a minute

and I was wanting to know

if you wanted to go for a spin around the rink.

Oh no, Cherry isn't interested in skating, are you dear?

Oh, she'll leave that to you.

Well, maybe, I think I...

Now, now, you're far too clumsy for that my dear.

She's got a one way ticket to becoming a dental hygienist,

don't you?

I don't know, I think...

Molars not rollers!

If I could just...

Drills not thrills.

But I just want...

Cavities not depravities.

Ok.

All right then, that's settled.

I don't think it would be a problem.

No skating!

(chuckles)

Oh, I will be in my office packing

if you kids need anything.

Remember...

- No skating. - [Randy] No skating.

Promise?

Yes Aunt Trixie.

You two have a wonderful night.

(suspenseful violin notes)

Ah come on, how about just a quick spin around the rink?

Are you crazy, I couldn't.

You heard her.

Besides, I don't even know how to skate.

Yeehaw!

There he is!

What?

That little man, he was right over there.

Little man?

Yes, he was running right over...

There couldn't possibly be a little man

running around in here could there?

Maybe I'm...

a little more jet lagged than I thought.

I know what it is.

You do?

Yea, you just need to blow off a little steam.

Here come on, I'll show you, it's easy.

I'd better not.

Look how crowded the dance floor is.

She'll never even see you.

Really?

(funky disco music)

Come with me.

(funky disco music)

Oh stop Sandy, you're getting me all wet!

You know you love it foxy lady!

(girls squeal)

Washing cars is fun!

Oh yea!

Oh let's do this.

(girls squealing delighfully)

(groans satisfactorily)

And after that, I'm gonna buy 10 pet rocks

and Shetland pony named Bear,

then I'm gonna marry a Bay City Roller.

Those guys are fags.

You ever say that again, you can forget

watching me compete in the battle of the network stars

when I'm a famous actress.

Ok, I'm sorry.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Do you ever think we're gonna be able to skate

without this stupid railing.

Of course we will.

A digital calculator?

We've been coming here all summer.

Seems like we would've learned something by now.

Be patient Pickles, we're not gonna become

championship skaters over night.

We'll make our mark.

Everybody gets their turn underneath the disco ball.

(electronic pulses swoosh)

(kids scream)

(upbeat disco music)

(Gingerdead Man chuckles)

Wrong exit baby!

You're soaking it in.

Huh?

Danger, hydro...

hydrochloric acid?

You bitches look so hot, I almost can't do

what I know I'm about to do.

(laughs evilly)

Almost!

(upbeat disco music)

Here come with me.

I can't, we shouldn't be doing this.

Take my hand.

You can do this, all right, you should be dancing.

But my aunt!

Take a chance on me.

(funky disco music)

Oh my God, Tammy you look so beautiful tonight.

I've never seen anybody skate like you.

Fuck off lady.

(funky disco music)

(all cheer)

(jazzy disco music)

(girls squeal delightfully)

That's it!

(girls giggle)

(ominous music)

(Gingerdead Man giggles maniacally)

(girls squeal delightfully)

How much money have we raised?

Oh let me check.

$2!

What?

How many cars have we washed?

One!

Yea and it's Trixie's!

(girls laugh gleefully)

Some hose for the hoes.

(laughs maniacally)

That's it, let it wash over you.

(girls squeal delightfully)

(ominous music)

(Gingerdead Man cackles evilly)

(girls scream painfully)

Great job!

Did I ok?

Heck yea, you're a super freak.

Thanks.

I'm gonna grab us a couple cold Shastas.

Ok.

[Voiceover] Woo, woo!

Way to go!

Yea, talk about your fast learners.

Thanks.

I'm Coco.

And I'm Yoko.

I'm Cherry.

You've got the moves woman.

Yea, and it looks like Randy's got his eye on you.

Me?

Oh no, someone as perfect as him

would never go for someone as plain as me.

Are you kidding?

He's dated some real pigs in his time.

Um hm, you're exactly his type.

All you need is a little disco dust to fix you up.

What do you mean?

[Both] A roller boogie makeover!

Come on!

When we're done with you, you'll be crowned

the last Roller Boogie Queen.

Really?

Uh huh.

Maybe it's true what they say

about saving the best for last.

'Bout time we got some new blood around here.

(Cherry giggles)

If it's new blood you want,

well then it's new blood you'll get.

(girls scream painfully)

(Gingerdead Man laughs evilly)

(girls scream painfully)

(skin sizzles)

Ah, the smell of womanhood and melting flesh.

(girls squeal gleefully)

(upbeat disco music)

* Uh huh

* Uh huh

* Uh huh

* Uh huh

* Uh huh

* Uh huh

* Uh huh

(girls squeal joyfully)

You look like a roller disco diva girl!

Yea, now let's go out there and get you that crown!

But my aunt...

We'll surprise her with the new you.

Now, go ahead, turn around.

(girls scream excitedly)

I'm a stone cold fox!

(girls scream joyfully)

(static buzzes)

[Yoko] What happened?

That was weird.

Hey, you guys are right, let's get outta here

and go skate.

Ok.

(ominous music)

(Gingerdead Man laughs victoriously)

Crack myself up.

Well better get outta here before the fuzz gets here.

(groans with struggle)

Wee!

(trippy rock music)

Oh my God, the colors are so colorful.

I'm tripping my brains out Peaches.

Make love to me now.

Ok.

Maybe we shouldn't

all the melting water color ballerinas

and flying aquatic creatures might see us.

(chuckle impaired)

Sh, Peaches.

I think this demon has risen from Hell

and it's headed right towards us.

Let's go hide in that magical cave over there.

Yes, quick!

We gotta turn invisible first.

Ok.

Come on.

Oh, oh yea!

Coming to cop a squat honey buns?

Who's there?

Oh, come on, don't be shy,

bend over and show me that big fat ass.

Where are you?

Take off your underpants and strut around for me.

Oh, oh yea, pussy.

I see you.

(Gingerdead Man groans)

you peeping Tom.

That's it, come a little closer,

I got a snack cake for ya'.

Oh, well, well, well, what have we here.

Why don't you come on over here

and nibble on it for me.

(woman growls)

(Gingerdead Man screams)

Let go of me you fucking cunt!

[Woman] Come on, you son of a...

(cookie snaps)

(screams painfully)

(celebratory orchestral music)

(upbeat disco music)

You look beautiful.

So do you.

Skate with me?

Uh huh.

Mm, I'm voting for her.

Yea, I'm picking that cherry.

Whoa, she cleans up real good.

Ow!

(slow jam music)

That little whore.

(faint taps)

(mic screeches)

Attention everyone.

I can't tell you how it warms my heart

to so clearly see you all down there

skating and having a good time,

even though some of you made a distinct promise

that you would not.

And don't forget, you still have five more minutes

to vote for the final Roller Boogie Queen.

(papers rustle)

(playful music)

(toilet flushes)

Woo, Christ!

What's that broad living on, sawdust?

(groans)

I'm so busted.

I wanna thank you all from the bottom of my heart

for giving this old broad a wonderful life

and I can't wait to see what's in store for all of you

once the music finally ends.

Cherry Wright to the management office please.

Cherry Wright to the management office.

She saw me!

You're all right.

(tense music)

(trippy rock music)

The walls are throbbing.

So am I butterfly.

(moans pleasurably)

(trippy rock music)

(ominous music)

[Gingerdead Man] Huh?

Oh!

(cackles ominously) (suspenseful music)

(grunts with struggle)

Oh fuck.

Nice view!

(laughs evilly)

Woo hoo!

(upbeat disco music)

* I'm gonna disco you to death

* Kiss you at the moment

(knocks at door)

Yes?

You wanted to see me?

My, my, my don't we look festive.

The roller girls gave me a makeover.

Well, aren't they the lucky ones.

Sit.

(grunts pleasurably)

It's synergy baby, come on hammer me, hammer me, oh!

(grunts pleasurably)

What the hell are you two doing in here?

Hi.

Yea, real high.

(trippy rock music)

You're sexy.

Yea.

What's up stud?

Looks like you two could use some company.

Yea, come join us.

(groans pleasurably)

Oh yea, take it!

Oh God, and I thought I was vile.

So, you think you can defy me

by painting yourself up like a shameless trollop

and going out there and making me look like a fool.

I'm not a trollop Aunt Trixie,

I was just skating.

Just skating?

Just skating?

Need I remind you that you're sitting there

talking to a woman whose pelvis

is held together with a screw and duct tape

because she was just skating.

You're a hypocrite!

If you hate skating so much,

then why do you own a roller boogie?

Why you little bitch!

(Cheery yelps)

(women grunt)

Listen to me, they're all gonna laugh at you.

They're all gonna laugh at you.

(Cheery yelps)

(women grunt)

(groans pleasurably)

Oh boy, if I had a cock, I'd join in on that.

Oh yea, yea.

Looks like everybody around here

is looking to get nailed.

(groans pleasurably)

I think I can acomodate them with that.

Yea that's it boys, hammer me!

Hammer me!

Your wish is my command!

Huh?

(nail gun fire erupts) (laughs evilly)

Bye bye!

(laughs evilly)

If you build it, they will come!

Oh baby, I'm so high, I can't feel my arm.

Feels so good.

[Gingerdead Man] Suck on this!

(laughs evilly)

(women groan with struggle)

[Cherry] You bitch!

(yelps out painfully)

Why do you hate skating so much?

What?

(harp music)

It was 1941.

FDR was in office and the Japs were on a rampage

through out the Pacific.

While our boys had gone off to war

to fight the good fight,

we girls stayed home and did our best.

I'd been skating since I was kid

and I found myself more comfortable on wheels

than I was on my own two feet.

It was about that time the circus came to town,

and I found myself barrel jumping to make ends meat

I was an instant senstation.

Before I knew it I landed in the USO

performing for the troops.

The boys loved me, especially FDR himself,

who invited me to a special sunrise performance

in Oahu, Hawaii.

Everything was in place.

It was standing room only.

The sun began to rise behind me

as I took my position.

The crowd went berserk, they were chanting my name

over and over as I took a running start

and launched myself in the air.

(planes buzz)

It was about that time the first bomb hit.

The barrels scattered as hurled myself

across the marble patio.

And as I laid there looking up all I could see

were the Japanese zeros flying overhead.

I hit the ground like a bag of wet cement,

shattering my pelvis along with the dream

of a mighty nation.

(harps play)

What are you saying?

I'm saying that had I not been performing that morning,

December 7, 1941, every last one of those sailors

would've been manning their battle stations

and Pearl Harbor never would have happened.

So you see, that's why you can't skate Cherry.

Not now.

Not ever.

I'm sorry about your past Aunt Trixie,

I really am, but I found my calling.

Your calling?

In four hours those doors are gonna close forever.

I think we both know what your calling is.

Wait!

Don't go.

Stay!

We'll burn that dress and pray together.

I'm skating in that roller boogie contest Aunt Trixie.

I'm skating, and you can't stop me.

Cherry!

And I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

(ominous music)

(electricity crackles)

No problem.

(crowd chants)

Do a little dance, make alotta love,

commit homicide tonight.

[All] Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Harshman!

Attention skaters.

[All] Harshman!

It's time to announce the nominees

for this year's Roller Boogie Queen Contest of 1976.

(crowd cheers)

Is it you Harshman?

(crowd laughs)

Who said that?

I'll deal with you later buster brown.

Where the hell is my remote?

(groans frustrated)

(intriguing suspenseful music)

What?

(suspenseful music)

Pop goes the weasel!

(screams frightened)

(laughs evilly)

(tense suspenseful music)

(screams)

Cherry!

You'd better get out on the dance floor,

you never know.

(funky disco music)

I'd like to ask the lovey young nominees

to please skate to the stage to receive the honor,

and also to accept the complimentary roller boogie sash,

courtesy of Joerski's fine meats.

Do I look all right?

Yea, you're one how twat babe.

Our first nominee...

is Miss Anne Morganstern.

(crowd whoops)

What?

(crowd cheers)

If you could step right.

Our next nominee, Miss Betty Sue Richards!

(crowd cheesrs)

What?

(crowd cheers)

That looks beautiful on you,

it's styling, step back.

I don't think anyone's going to be surprised at all,

on the nomination of this candidate.

She's a real classy lady, not to mention,

a dazzling crowd favorite,

our own little angle inside you,

the girl who's wheeled her way

into all of our hearts, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together

for the lovely Cherry Wright!

(crowd cheers enthusiastically)

What?

(celebratory music) (crowd cheers)

Whoa!

(audience cheers)

Hi!

(audience cheers)

Hi!

Oh shit.

Oh and four time winner Tammy Pimento.

(audience grumbles)

(giggles) Go Tammy, go Tammy, go Tammy!

[Voiceover] You selfish bitch!

Oh gosh, I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.

(giggles)

First, I would like to thank my Lord and savior

and I wanna let you all know, it doesn't matter if I win,

it's an honor just to be nominated.

Put a sock in it Pimento.

I will never forget this night.

Beat it.

Oh yea, that's right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present

our Roller Boogie Queen court of 1976,

here they are, give 'em a big hand!

(crowd cheers) (funky disco music)

Congratulations!

(playful suspenseful music)

Go over there and see who's gonna win that contest.

How am I supposed to do that?

I don't care what you have to do, just do it!

Congratulations!

Thanks!

Hey can I talk to you for a second?

Yea, sure.

I know you don't know me very well,

do I seem weird to you?

No, why?

I'm right.

I am seeing something running around this place.

Like what?

(sighs)

This is gonna sound really stupid.

It's a gingerbread man.

(laughs skeptically)

A gingerbread man?

(Gingerdead Man laughs maniacally)

Oh! Time for more fun!

Oh, oh!

[Cherry] He was right there.

He?

It was.

It leaped out at me from behind those boxes right there.

A gingerbread man?

I believe something jumped out at you,

I mean maybe it was a rat or something.

Or maybe somebody drugged you?

Or not?

Ok.

How about we both just keep our eyes open?

(suspenseful music)

(laughs maniacally)

Well that was certainly no surprise.

Oh!

It's all very exciting.

Uhm, would you excuse me for a moment?

Well certainly my dear.

(upbeat disco music)

(playful mysterious music)

She's gonna win.

What?

By a landslide.

That's not possible.

Oh it's possible babe.

See you only got three votes,

so counting you, me, that means PJ's

the only other one that voted for you.

Son of a bitch!

That's it.

Go get a phone book.

Why?

(giggles eagerly)

'Cause we need to find ourselves

an all night pig farm.

Huh?

Oh!

(laughs nervously)

(suspenseful music)

(man screams painfully)

(blood squirts) (suspenseful music)

(laughs maniacally)

[Voiceover] Oh my God!

(upbeat disco music)

Hello world, I've arrived!

This is amazing!

(man screams painfully)

Help me, somebody help me please!

(screams painfully)

(upbeat disco music)

Girl, he is so into you.

This night has really been a dream come true.

Uh oh, here comes your worst nightmare.

Hey there!

Oh my God Yoko, work it girl!

And Coco, you look...

Just like a Newbian princess

Tammy Pimento!

I'm Cherry.

Of course you are!

I love your hair, you look fabulous tonight.

It's amazing how popular she's become

since she's changed her looks and personality.

Yea, she's really arrived.

You're such a great skater.

Your aunt must be so proud of you.

It's just too bad you didn't get here

'til the very last night.

Thanks.

May the best girl win.

Good luck.

Good luck, you're gonna need it, nerd.

Where are you going?

Ah, my work is done here!

(laughs evilly)

Wouldn't want the party to end too soon.

Time for a little disco genocide!

(upbeat disco music)

Hey jive turkery!

It's time to crack the whip!

(funky disco music)

Better yet, let's crack some skulls!

There you are.

I wanted to introduce you to a couple friends of mine,

Tux and Peaches but I can't seem to find them anywhere.

Randy!

Have you seen Connie, Sandy, or Doreen?

No?

Hm?

This is weird.

Where is everybody?

(slow somber music)

What are you doing?

I can't do this.

They're all gonna laugh at me.

What are you talking about?

You're all gonna laugh at me.

This is a big joke on the new girl isn't it?

Joke?

You're one of the best skaters I've ever seen,

you're a natural.

I'm a freak!

There's magic spinning from those wheels Cherry.

Randy, there's something you need to know about me.

I'm different.

Yea, you are,

but you got it going on.

I've got nothing but an aunt with a swollen eye

and a broken heart.

No.

What you have my dear, is a gift.

(inspirational music)

(funky disco music)

Oh!

(laughs evilly)

Can I get a woo woo!

[All] Woo woo!

(inhales sharply)

Woo woo!

[All] Woo woo!

Woo woo!

[All] Woo woo!

Yea come on jive turkey...

This outta clear ya' out, ah!

[All] Woo woo!

Woo woo!

[Gingerdead Man] Oh, there ya' go Hoover.

(inhales sharply)

(suspenseful music)

Wait for melt baby!

(suspenseful music)

(crowd protests)

(funky disco music)

Uh huh, uh huh.

Woo woo!

(laughs evilly)

(laughs) Woo!

(laughs joyfully)

Welcome to Saturday night clever!

(funky disco music)

Man, Little Angel's really tearing it up tonight.

She's like a rabid dog when she gets in that DJ booth.

Cherry no.

I'm sorry I let you down Aunt Trixie, you were right.

Oh no my dear, I let me down.

I let us all down.

Oh let's face it, I'm a bitter old lush.

If I hadn't spent all those drunken nights

up at the Indian casino, I would still have the money

to pay the back taxes and this place wouldn't be closing.

More importantly, you'd have a place

to roller boogie forever.

Roller boogie?

But I thought...

Don't speak.

Forget what I said.

I was wrong Cherry, you were right.

I've been a hypocrite.

But...

No buts.

When I saw you out there,

I couldn't help but see a magical reflection

of my former self.

It was as if I was looking into a mirror,

well that is before the shattered hip

and the bankruptcy issues.

Excuse me boss, I have something...

Not now Ingrid.

But it's really important.

I said give me a second you horrible woman.

I want you to put those skates back on

and get out there and win that crown,

not for me...

not for you...

do it for those brave boys at the bottom of the bay.

Thank you Aunt Trixie.

Now get out there and roller boogie.

(inspiration orchestral music)

Miss Wright, I...

Yes Ingrid!

What is it?

What could possibly be so important?

You have my undivided attention, what is it?

I'm sorry to interrupt chief,

but it appears been a triple homicide

in the janitor's sanctuary.

(suspenseful music)

(chuckles evilly)

Huh?

What's that queen up to?

(suspenseful music)

A wise guy!

(gasps horrified)

Oh my God!

Good God Ingrid!

What kind of monster could commit such a massacre?

It appears they were murdered

while participating in some sort of

a multi generational menage trois.

Yes I can see that.

My God, would you look at what's left of Buzzby?

Sweet Jesus, he was hung like a Clydesdale.

Never mind, we must alert the authorities immediately.

Yes!

And we will!

Just as soon as we crown the final Roller Boogie Queen.

This night means the world to my Cherry

and let's face it, they're not going anywhere.

Yea, but boss...

No buts.

We will call for a squad car the moment

the winner is announced.

Yes chief.

In the meantime, you lock his place up

as tight as a drum.

And whatever you do, act natural.

(sighs defeated)

(upbeat disco music)

All done!

Good boy.

Tonight, we're gonna paint this town red.

With blood!

(laugh evilly)

(laughs evilly)

Be careful now!

Attention everyone!

The time has come for the crowning

of our final Roller Boogie Queen.

Will the nominees please step up to the stage and join us.

I must say that this moment is very bittersweet for me.

I hope you get it.

Thanks.

Wait (mumbles)...

Well, there they are skaters!

Please give it up for our court of 1976!

(crowd cheers) (celebratory regal music)

Aren't they lovely?

Thank you Ingrid.

It's such a special night for me.

No matter the outcome, to go out knowing

that my sweet Cherry has made her way

into the winners circle does my old heart good.

(giddily squeals)

And now the results!

(cheers erupt)

Not only will the winner tonight be crowned

by our very own lady of the court, Miss Ingrid Harshman,

but she will be awarded with a special

fabulous gift package containing cash and prizes

including a Mr. Microphone, Ron Co's pocket fisherman,

a case of Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific,

and a pair of delightful rainbow toe socks.

Drum roll please.

(drums roll)

And the winner is...

Cherry Wright!

(cheers erupt)

(uplifting inspirational music)

(crowd cheers eagerly)

(suspenseful music)

(uplifting inspirational music)

(crowd cheers)

(suspenseful music)

(crowd cheers)

(suspenseful music) (crowd cheers)

What are you doing?

[Randy] Did you see what's going on?

No I don't see anything except you causing trouble,

now get the hell outta here.

(suspenseful music)

(rope snaps)

Whoa!

(liquid splatters)

(crowd gasps)

Yea!

(laugh gleefuly)

Geronimo!

(crowd screams)

(Cherry screams)

(laughs evilly)

Babe!

(knife squishes)

(laughs maniacally)

Night, night!

(gun shots erupt)

Congratulations Cherry, it's all for you!

From the bowels of hell itself.

It's a homicidal confectionery treat!

Everybody run!

(gunfire erupts)

Run, run, run, as fast as you can!

Eat me!

I'm Gingerdead Man at your service

my bicentennial bitch!

I hope all you mother fuckers are hungry,

'cause it's time for you to eat lead!

Oh my!

(gunshots erupt)

(screams fearfully)

(gunshots erupt)

(panics fearfully)

[Cherry] What do we do?

You know what to do.

You've always known what to do.

You have gifts that go far beyond the roller boogie, Cherry.

Use them now, use them as if your life depends upon it!

As if it does?

(gunshot erupts)

Son of a bitch!

Now Cherry, kill that bastard!

(suspenseful music)

Sleep tight you little cunt!

(doors slam)

(suspenseful music)

[Voiceover] There's magic spinning from the wheels Cherry.

Bring it on crazy eyes!

Thank you!

You know, I always hated Tammy, she was such a bitch.

I totally voted for you, I swear.

(gunshot erupts)

Put a cork in it you whore!

Step right up, who's ready for some more sugar?

Do something Cherry!

(suspenseful music)

Let's boogie down!

(electric explodes)

Fuck!

(electric static crackles)

(suspenseful music)

Pretty pity!

(laughs evilly)

(electric crackles)

Disco inferno!

(laughs evilly)

How do I look?

So cute.

Oh my God, what color lipstick is that?

It's shocking pink.

[Voiceover] Can I try it?

Oh yea, totally.

(electric current buzzes)

Don't act so shocked!

(laughs maniacally)

Don't act so shocked, get it?

Is this a killer night or what?

TGIF.

(laughs evilly)

Burn baby burn!

Bye bye!

(electric current sizzles)

Smoke if you got 'em!

(electric current sizzles)

I crack myself up!

(electronic current sizzles)

Get down!

(fires sizzle)

Suprise!

Don't even think of trying any

of that spooky horseshit on me honey buns.

Looks like this will be a 1976 you'll never forget,

well that is until I finish you off.

[Voiceover] Attention Gingerdead Man,

hold on to your cookies!

Oh shit!

[Randy] Freeze!

(screams)

This can't be good!

(electronic swooshes)

Tina Joerski, time traveler.

And trusty sidekick Pickles!

Shut up Pickles!

We're back from a little trip through time.

Frontways and back.

Yea and uh, we've seen all the trouble you caused.

Oh come on kiddies, I'm just a friendly gingerbread man.

I wouldn't hurt a flea, now give me back my water pistol.

Sit on it you cookie creep.

Oh shit.

Fun time is over.

We brought back a few friends to help even the score.

Well bring it on you little butt biscuit.

When I'm done with you, I'll give you a tummy ache

that'll be legendary even in hell.

We'll see about that.

Gingerdead Man, meet...

(electronic current buzzes)

(uplifting inspiration music)

Adolf Hitler.

(speaks foreign language)

(gulps)

Charles Manson.

(electronic swooshes)

Let's do something witchy!

Uh oh!

Jeffrey Dahmer.

(electronic air swooshes)

What's for supper?

Holy...

And Lizzy Borden.

(electronic air swooshes)

Might I axe what year it is?

(electronic swooshes)

And you do remember me, Mr. Gingerdead Man sir?

Clarissa Darling here, and sorry,

but none of us saved room for dessert.

(clears throat) How could I forget?

It's time for you to go home,

you crummy little bastard.

Check please!

(tense powerful music)

Kill him!

Now slow down, I can explain everything.

You see my daddy didn't hug me when I was little.

Oh no, what are you doing?

Oh no you assholes, I'm warning you.

I'm warning you bastards, put me down!

This is an outrage!

(protests fearfully)

I'm in the union, I'm in the union!

Put me down, put me down!

No, no! Ah!

(screams painfully)

Yes.

(scream painfully)

[Gingerdead Man] Cookie Jar?

Not the cookie jar!

(screams panicked)

I'll see you all in hell!

[Little Girl] We did it!

You did!

You all did!

And I wanna thank you all so very much

for saving the day, well sort of.

I mean, it would've been nice if you could've arrived

a little earlier.

Uhm, excuse me Miss Wright?

Yes dear child?

Don't forget, we have a time machine.

But...

No buts.

I just went back in time and warned Miss Darling

what was about to happen,

so the Gingerdead Man never escaped.

And none of this ever happened!

(all cheer)

(sparkles twinkle)

(uplifting inspirational orchestral music)

(crowd cheers)

And by the way...

What's this?

A lottery ticket.

On the way back, we checked tomorrow's newspaper.

Congratulations, you are a millionaire!

And Roller Boogie Land is safe!

(crowd cheers)

And disco will live forever!

Sure it will!

(crowd cheers)

Let's roller boogie!

(crowd cheers)

(upbeat disco music)

(air swooshes)

See, I told you everyone gets their turn

underneath the mirror ball.

Mind if I hitch a ride?

But Aunt Trixie, we need you here.

This is all yours now sweet Cherry.

[Randy] Where are you going?

I have a little unfinished business back in 1941.

Goodbye Aunt Trixie,

I'll never forget you.

Take care of each other, and stay away from sweets.

Aloha everyone!

[All] Aloha!

[Little Girl] All right everybody,

you ready to go back home?

(air swooshes)

And behave yourselves!

Wee!

(laughs boisterously)

Calabunga!

(speaks foreign language)

Yea!

Peace out mother fucker!

Aloha!

(upbeat triumphant music)

(funky disco music)

(Gingerdead Man cackles evilly)

(funky disco music)

* I'm going to disco you to death

* Kiss you at the moment of your final breath

* You're gonna disco 'til you die

* 1,000 youths in the disco ball each one asking why

* This is your last dance ever

* Grooving in your satin pants, you're gonna live forever

* Come on disco baby

* Let's cut the rug

* Trip the light, fantastic, 'til the room is red with blood

* I'm gonna disco you to death

* It's 1970 something so it's coke instead of meth

* You're gonna disco 'til you drop

* You're heart's been overheated

* But that's finally gonna pop

* Listen to your heart pump

* As we do the bump

* Dig that bass guitar from

* Get up off your rump

* If looks could kill

* You'd dance until

* My eyes cut like a knife

* And leave you on the dance floor crying

* Begging for your life

* I'm gonna disco you to death

* Kiss you at the moment of your final breath

* You're gonna disco 'til you die

* 1,000 youths in the disco ball each on asking why

* Disco

* Death