Original subtitles

This is a story from the year

I was determined to lose my virginity,

also known as My Year of Dicks.

Watch me right here.

Dear David, the skater I know from riding the bus,

as I watch you fall, I can only think

about how much I'm falling for you.

Over and over, your bones seem to yearn for freedom

the way mine ache for your embrace.

He's such a doof.

He's not a doof.

You know I can do this. Come on.

I love how you file your nails into sharp points.

Those tiny daggers of want.

My friend Karina told me that you told her

you did it so you could warn everyone

that you were a vampire.

- I need no such warning. - Geez.

In fact, I find this irresistible,

as I am searching for the one who will take my first blood,

inhale my innocence.

Perhaps it will be you, immortal stranger.

- You okay? - Yeah.

I like it when it bleeds.

That's cool.

I'm gonna teach you how to ollie.

Get on.

Don't be afraid.

Just tilt your body like this. Yeah.

I am aflutter with the memories

we are making at this juncture,

our bodies touching, moving, turning potential energy into--

She actually knows how to ollie.

I'm fine, Sam.

Hey, aren't your parents out of town?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I'd like to make sure you won't be alone tonight.

Oh, I'm not. My little sister is there.

You know, I'm watching her, so I'm not alone.

Don't worry. Oh!

Fuck. You mean you.

Shit, that was some easy fucking money.

Perfect.

Can I come in?

- Hi! - Who's house is this?

Can I go in your room?

Your parents are awesome.

They don't even hide their booze.

There's also Tom Collins mix.

This'll work.

Oh! My ex-boyfriend is here.

No.

My dearest Clinton...

I hope it is not too taxing on your heart

to watch me take a new lover

so soon after our entanglement at first base.

We are young, but the cruelty of time dictates I must move on

till I find the sensual gardener

who will clip my virginal roots

and let me soar into womanhood.

But remember, you broke up with me.

It was beyond my control.

Let's go exploring.

Oh, my aunt has this carpet.

Mm, mm.

All right.

Fuck this.

Hey, um...

I need to tell you something before we keep going.

- I'm a virgin. - That's okay.

And... I'm on my period.

Uh...

Um, are you mad at me?

Hey,

did you make out with him just now?

- Is that where y'all went? - Why? Are you jealous?

No. You made him win, five to four.

Wait.

Maybe I can say you don't count because we both pulled you.

No, that would make it--fuck.

Now he's four to three.

Thanks a lot, slut.

- How much did he win? - $2.58.

That stupid fucking contest.

How'd those girls find out?

He made out with them too.

Dumbass put the exact same apology note

in both their lockers.

They're best friends.

God, What an idiot.

Isn't it worse that it was a bet?

No, Sam, it's worse that I didn't get a letter.

Can I borrow $5.16?

I'm worth double, bitch.

♪ She had the guts ♪

♪ The Lord had the board ♪

♪ Now she can fly ♪

This is a story of the year

I tried to lose my virginity,

also known as My Year of Dicks.

Oh, my--

- Go to bed. - Okay.

And whatever you're watching, cut it out.

- It's an art film. - Yeah.

Did you ask her for the tape?

No.

Bonsoir, mon amour.

Je suis Pamela.

Je suis désolé.

Je suis solamente Latin II.

Ergo, je suis non--

how you say--

fluent in Françoisez--

Pero je suis déterminée to parler in français

parque je t'aime, Wally,

even though I've only seen him once in real life

and heard him once on the phone to my friend.

Oh, oui, Pamela.

Un floppy hair petit garçon royale.

Un objet d'obsession.

Your focus on my pleasure

is exactement superb.

- Oui. - Oui, oui!

We rendezvous at morrow's dusk

at your place of business.

Perchance your lips will find my flesh

in the world of the real--

Hey.

Where is Cool as Ice?

Where is it?

The only reason I came here

was to talk shit about Cool as Ice

- after it was over. - All right.

So Wally said House Party 2. I fucked up.

But he did say we could come, right?

He told you to bring us.

Yes, he can get us into any movie after it's started.

Two, he can get us into two movies

after they've started

because this bullshit theater only plays two movies.

- We could see the other one. - I've seen it.

I'm cultured, Pam.

Bonsoir, mon petit chou-chou.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, dear, first penis ever in my hand.

This was unexpected.

I--you feel unlike anything I thought you would.

You feel inhuman, plastic,

like--like you're made of doll parts.

I--I can't see you, and I do not want to.

How am I supposed to like this?

What do I even do next?

Put it in your mouth.

- Mon dieu! - What do I do?

- Put it in your mouth. - Oh, no.

No.

No, if I do this, I will die-- here.

Do not die. I will die if you die.

- I don't-- - Okay.

Oh.

Why doesn't this feel right?

Why am I not who you know I can be?

You're so lucky right now.

Yes.

How can you say that, Anais Nin?

- She is looking for love. - No!

Love is useless, invisible.

But sex is sticky, dirty, needy.

Remember, it's sex that you're after, Pamela.

- You can say no. - Oui, oui!

Tell him no. He'll only want you more.

But is it me he's wanting?

Come on, my break's almost over.

Can you just let me do this?

- Do what? - Fuck you.

- No! Oh, he is direct. - No.

- No, no. - What is so wrong

- with the touch of a stranger? - She is a virgin.

Push past naivete!

She should push past this asshole!

Why won't he look at me?

Because he's not me, Pam.

You are me.

Regardez-moi and get up.

Get up and run--now!

Fucking prude.

Where were you?

Uh... I got lost.

This place sucks.

What?

Sam! Oh, my God, what the fuck?

Clean up your fucking mess, dude.

Um... sorry!

Au revoir, dick-tête.

You know how that felt back there?

Cool as ice.

That was crazy.

Get it?

Like the movie we were trying to see here but failed

because this movie theater fucking sucks?

Hey. I'm Pam. I'm 15.

Trying to lose my virginity.

Anyways, here's My Year of Dicks.

I have always wanted to be

the kind of couple who touches each other

even when it's too hot to be alive.

And now that's my real life,

thanks to you, sweet Robert,

the boy who really loves to hold my hand,

like, all the time!

I've never felt so cute and want--

Fuck, it's hot as balls out here.

Yeah, it's Houston. It's summer.

Hey, is it cool if I sit with you this time?

The last dude I was stuck with was a screamer.

- I scream. - Yeah,

but you, I can tell to shut up.

Shut up.

Okay.

What are we doing? Are we shoving Sam?

I don't need to know why.

- I'll shove Sam all day. Shit. - Oh, shit. Sorry.

You guys, I'm having the best day--

Whoo! Yes!

Hey, it's not my fault. It's not my fault.

Hey, get off me. Get off.

What are you doing over here? I couldn't find you.

I got to call my mom and tell her what time to pick us up.

Not yet, okay?

Let's stay until dark.

- Birds are stupid. - No, they're not, Sam.

Most birds mate for life.

Look, their relationships matter to them.

Like how nobody believed

that Big Bird's best friend, Mr. Snuffleupagus,

actually existed.

But he knew he was real.

He never doubted.

And then one day, the people making the show

realized that they're teaching kids that adults

won't always believe you when you tell them big secrets,

so they made everyone see Mr. Snuffleupagus.

And then they all apologized to Big Bird one by one.

Isn't that kind?

Do you remember that?

Pam...

Do you think...

that Big Bird is a real bird?

Shut up.

Hey, come on, it's adorable.

So what? You think Big Bird's a real bird.

Dear Robert, as we lift off,

so, too, does my heart take giddy flight.

Get your perfect face ready.

I love how you let me control the pace, the urgency.

I love how we tell each other what we want.

We never even fought, okay?

Not even once.

Maybe he wanted to end it before you did have a fight.

That's what he said in the parking lot.

He said that we were better as friends.

And I just don't get it, okay?

Tell me the truth.

Did I do anything?

Did you see me do something stupid?

I don't know.

Did you mean tonight, or are we talking about years?

Shut up.

Gross, you just snotted on me.

No, I didn't.

You did. Look. It's on my face.

I don't see anything.

Uh, maybe not.

It's okay.

You--you don't have to do that.

No, I know.

I mean don't.

- Don't do that. - No, it's okay.

No! I'm telling you no, okay?

Yeah.

My mom's been waiting long enough.

Let's go.

Sam, wait.

Hey again, it's me. Still a virgin.

Anyways, you know. My Year of Dicks.

I am a monster.

Roaming the halls,

I haunt.

I harm.

Oh, I have damaged another.

I hurt my best friend. I've lost my love.

Writing without a muse?

When will there be an--

- I can't! - Pam.

I don't know when my dad's coming home,

my mom's working tonight, and Natalie's asleep.

Look, I'll pick you up.

- No, Karina! - Just come,

- and I'll get you home. - I am not sneak--

Hi! Okay.

Okay, look, you'll be home by 2:00, I promise.

- I'm Pam. - I don't care.

You want your $10? Be nice to my friend.

She just got dumped.

Fucking douche.

Being single is cool, Pam.

It doesn't feel cool to be alone.

You're not alone. You're with me.

We're both gonna walk up into this party

like two single bitches who knows what's up.

I don't really think I like being called a bitch.

Pam! Listen, just be cool.

Okay, fine, I'm cool. I'm a cool bitch.

Oh, my God, Karina, there's drugs here.

That is actual cocaine.

All right, let's get this party started.

You said Kelly's mom would be here.

Kelly's mom's in the bedroom

committing consensual statutory rape

with some dude named Scott.

"The" bedroom?

Like there's only one?

- Where does Kelly sleep? - Oh, shit,

- are you CPS? - Oh. (laughs) No, why?

- What's your name? - I'm Pam.

Weird name, Pam. I'm Joey.

Don't ask me if I want a beer, because I'm straight-edge.

I don't drink alcohol, do drugs, or even, like, have a Coke.

Because of antibiotics?

Because it's hard-core.

I'm pure, and I like extremes.

Okay.

Come see.

Something's so funny.

I'm next! I'm next!

Oh! Chug!

Oh, my God!

Where is she, Karina?

Karina!

Fuck.

My mom's here. You have to hide.

If my mom sees I took you here,

- I'm in so much more trouble. - Why?

She thinks I'm a bad influence.

Can you fit under the sink, please?

But I don't--

Go to sleep.

- What are you doing here? - Mom, please, I'm sorry.

It is much too late for sorries.

Uh, if anyone wants to give me

a ride home, I don't live far, I think.

- Here. - Thanks.

Hey.

- Yeah. - Get out of my bed.

- Sorry. - Bitch, jeez.

I'll take y'all home in the morning.

Thanks.

Oh, your boots are still on.

- Are you cold? - I never take them off.

They are a part of me.

Oh, oh, um, yeah.

Dear Straight-Edge Joey,

I guess sometimes you can't predict

how love will find you.

Your kindness tonight has shown me

there's no need to fear what comes next.

I love your eyes.

They're so blue.

And your hair is perfect.

Your skin is rad. It's just right.

So... pure.

That's right, so pure.

I should lose my purity to someone

who admires exactly that.

Besides, isn't it the virgin

who always gets killed in these things?

Let's tell him what a gift he's receiving.

Joey, I wanted you to know,

I'm a virgin.

You'll be my first.

Oh, Christ, I--I--

I'm not important enough for that.

Fuck.

Good night, Kim.

Ugh. Huh.

You know, If you were like, 5% dumber, you wouldn't get

into half the stupid shit I've seen you do.

Okay.

Karina's always goin' on about how you're so funny

and you're so great,

but you almost fucked a Nazi skinhead

on my carpet last night, so...

Who's the total dumbass?

- What? No, I did not do that. - It's you.

I didn't do that.

- I did not do that. I would not. - Yeah, dude.

He's a fucking racist piece-of-shit

fucking turd-licking, white-power,

stupid-ass, inbred, ignorant flag fucker

is what he is.

And I've seen that dude shoot heroin,

so fuck his fake-ass straight-edge bullshit

all the way to the double cheeseburger

he probably eats in the closet while he jacks off

and then drinks his own jizz 'cause he's so "pure of mind"

or whatever the fuck he's always going on about.

Okay. Okay. Kelly, oh, my God.

Okay, Nazi almost fucker.

Dad, I'm grounded.

Is that Pam?

Hey.

You know.

The, uh--the whole thing? Um, sorry.

My Year of Dicks.

Sneaking out of the house to go to a party with boys.

Never would've thought you'd do that.

Well, the good thing about you being grounded is,

you get to spend time with me on my day off.

I get to keep you all to myself.

What are these?

Are these love letters?

They're mine! From... high school.

It's so embarrassing.

I should burn these.

Promise me you'll never read these.

Dear Mom, it's moments like these

I'm reminded you were once young like me,

maybe a lot like me, and now we're here

having a quiet private moment

where we could maybe share something...

honest and real.

I could use your help.

Mom, can I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm.

How old were you when you first had sex?

Shut up! You shut the fuck up!

- Mom, I-- - Right now, oh, I'm not--

You shut up.

What?

Pamela, your father would like to speak with you.

Oh, my God, Mom! No! No.

Your mother tells me

you're thinking about having sex.

Dad, no, I wasn't.

I was trying to have a general--

Regardless,

what makes you think you'd like sex?

They like it on TV?

True.

But that's not reality.

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever had an orgasm?

What?

No. No.

No, Dad. No.

So you've never masturbated or anything.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Well, Pamela, let me tell you.

Women don't actually like having sex.

Oh.

They like the kissing beforehand

and the hugging and cuddling after,

but the actual penetration

is quite unpleasant for a woman.

Now, your mother gets wet easily,

and the penis doesn't actually know

the difference between a vagina

or a rubber doll.

The male desire can be fulfilled quite easily

without the woman having to suffer

through the rather painful and humiliating act of coitus.

That's why I think you should start with oral sex.

It's got fewer complications,

and it won't ruin your chances at a future.

Good talk.

- So what did he say-- - Please don't make me tell you.

Ah. That's fair. That's fair.

Uh, hi.

I'd like to spend this whole day saying I'm sorry to you.

- Hey, um-- - Oh, my God.

Sam. What are you--

I don't want to mess this up.

- Please, just-- - You're so naked.

It's for a point, I promise.

Okay.

Uh...

dear Pamela,

I wanted to talk to you

in the way that you talk to others.

I know words matter to you,

and you matter to me, and I--uh--

No, I'm not reading that part. That's so fucking stupid.

Hang on.

Uh, sorry.

Oh, no, sorry. Please stay here. Just--

You've been with some dickhole shitbags,

and not one of them has been good enough for you.

I don't know if anybody is.

But you...

are good enough.

Mm.

You're hot, smart, funny,

and you are already more of a woman

than any girl in the world.

Oh, no.

I'm cold.

I can tell.

- Here. - Thanks.

Uh--

Okay.

Are you warm now?

Getting there.

Will this fit me?

- There. - I'm warming up now.

Here.

Give me your hands.

I love you.

Can I come in?

Please come in.

Your feet are freezing!

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ See ♪

♪ Watch me ♪

♪ See ♪

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