Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Okay.

What do you think of the dog bed I made you, Churro?

Try to contain your enthusiasm.

Mayan, don't move.

What are you doing?

Face ID.

Wait, is that my phone?

I need to leave a review

about the gas station potatoes,

and my phone is banned from Yelp.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, how was your playdate?

Oh! So much fun!

Until Aiden's mom scolded me

for splashing too much in the pool.

Yeah, grown-ups suck.

[whispered] Can you take me next time?

Daddy has no chill.

What's that, Gordo?

Oh, it's for Farm Camp.

I'm not sure what it is, but Aiden's going,

so I'm gonna need you to make this happen for me.

Farm Camp?

You're gonna spend a bunch of money

so Chance can do migrant labor?

No George, it's a program where kids learn

how to harvest vegetables, bale hay, and milk real cows.

This is my Vegas.

Oof, this is expensive.

I'm sorry, buddy. I don't think we can afford it.

It's fine, Mommy.

I guess I'll just live my best life in my next life.

Don't worry, Gordo. You're not missing much.

When I was your age,

my grandfather sent me to pick tomatoes.

And when I got back,

I was the only seven-year-old in my class with wrinkles.

You've looked like that since you were seven?

Forget Farm Camp.

We need to send this kid to a military camp.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

I wish I could send Chance to Farm Camp,

but it's so expensive.

If he wants to milk something,

there's a hamster in the back with engorged nipples.

The party's here.

Oh, the party never stops at NeLa Animal Hospital.

In fact, this afternoon,

I gotta circumcise a cat.

L'chaim!

Ooh, that dog bed is so cute.

Oh, thanks, Jana.

I sewed it myself out of a serape.

The stripey poncho

Clint Eastwood wears in cowboy movies.

[gasps] Ooh, Clint Eastwood.

That man just gets sexier with age.

I wish he'd make my day.

How much?

Oh, that's flattering, but it's not for sale.

[laughs] Baby girl, everything's for sale.

That's true.

This place used to be an orphanage

before I bought it, kicked 'em out,

and made it an animal hospital.

I don't want just this bed.

I want all the beds that you can make

so I can sell them at my boutique, Everly & Sunshine,

named after my two favorite stepmoms.

The other six were bitches.

Oh, no, I couldn't--

wow.

Okay, for this much, you can have my bed--

with me in it.

And me.

You got yourself a deal.

Oh, and I just thought of a name for them--

Siesta Fiesta.

Ah, yes.

I did that once in Puerto Rico with a man named Esteban.

Anyway, business besties!

♪ ♪

I heard you were cooking dinner.

Yeah. I think you'll be quite impressed.

Ba-bap-bap-bap, bap, bap, bap, bap!

We do not cook with that in this house.

With what, flavor?

No, it's not that.

You can't use anything from La Jolla Foods anymore.

What do you mean?

I use their products in all of my recipes--

and my skincare routine.

Yes, well, the CEO of La Jolla made

some very anti-Latinx statements.

[gasps]

How can someone insult 18 different ethnicities

with one sentence?

Oh, I can't support a company with such hateful views

against Cubans and Dominicans!

And the other 16 groups.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Oy, this is terrible.

Without their seasonings,

how am I supposed to tolerate your cooking?

How is it that your food tastes blonde?

Do you mean bland?

I do not.

♪ ♪

Why is Churro on a old T-shirt?

Did she have puppies?

I thought she was too old.

Good for you, vieja cochina.

You know how I always have all these side hustles?

I came up with a cool DIY idea.

Mayan, it's pronounced DUI, and it's not cool.

No, I'm entering a business partnership with that rich lady

from the vet I'm always telling you about.

The lady that tried to give her Chihuahua lipo?

Yes, and I've been up all night

making my Siesta Fiestas to sell at her fancy boutique.

- She already bought Churro's. - Hm.

No camp for me, no bed for Churro.

It's a bad day to be a Lopez!

Oh, not true, buddy,

'cause Mama Lopez is making big money now.

Churro's getting a water bed!

And you're going to Farm Camp!

Yes, Mommy! You're back in my top five family members.

I'm gonna assume that I'm number one.

[cell phone dings]

Ooh, the product's up on the store's website.

Wait. "Everly & Sunshine presents

Clint Eastwood's Pooch Pillows"?

"Perfect for your pet,

whether they're Dirty or Harry."

Congratulations.

No, this is bad.

Jana gave Siesta Fiesta a whitewashed name

and then took all the credit.

Well, actually it sounds like

Clint Eastwood took all the credit.

And rightfully so, Mayan.

Like me, that man gets sexier with age.

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

I need to back out of this deal.

It's cultural appropriation.

Wait, is that when you use someone else's picture

on a dating app?

Because come on, Jimmy Smits and I are practically twins.

No, it's when someone like Jana takes credit

for dog beds made by a Mexican American woman

with serapes from Mexico.

Who cares if it make you money?

You think Papa John is Italian?

What is he?

Rich!

Forget about your culture, and appropriate her money...

[as Oprah] Right into your bank account!

♪ ♪

I was just a little surprised

to see that you took my name off my beds.

I get it.

You want to be associated with me,

a cultural tastemaker and fashion icon.

According to Vogue.

The magazine?

No. Vogue Malinkovich,

the lady who tattoos my eyebrows.

I'm sorry, but this is the way I run my business.

I put my label on everything that comes in the store.

But I'm the one who's making the beds.

Well, when you buy a pair of sneakers,

they say "Adidas,"

not the name of the kid who sewed them.

Okay, apart from the issue of child labor,

which I hope we can both agree is bad,

you're exploiting Mexican culture for profit.

And you're charging $300? I mean, I couldn't afford one.

The people whose culture you're capitalizing on

can't even purchase these beds.

You don't think there are any Latinx people

who can afford $300?

Wow, Mayan.

[mouths words]

♪ ♪

Thank you for doing this with me, Quinten.

I couldn't bear to throw away all my La Jolla products alone.

Would you like to say a few words?

[dramatically] La Jolla...

you have made me a better cook, a better mother,

and a better lover.

How?

Mind your business.

[clears throat]

Goodbye, old friends.

Ay!

Oh.

I am very proud of you for taking this step.

I know.

I'm so strong.

La Jolla adobo seasoning?

I'm weak!

I can't live without this delicious hate salt!

Okay, I knew that this would be hard for you,

which is why I went to the mercado,

and I bought us some spices so we can make our very own...

love salt.

Mutual respect salt.

Salt.

It's a complex flavor profile.

No one knows what the ingredients are.

Oh.

Trust me, we are gonna figure this out together.

La Reina, meet...

La Rachel Ray.

♪ ♪

So I told Jana that our Siesta Fiesta deal is off.

She can take her Everly

and stick it where the sun don't shine.

You better be careful,

or that wordplay is gonna turn into foreplay.

[chuckles] Ooh, now I'm turning myself on.

Turn off sexy Quinten and turn on supportive Quinten.

I am sorry.

I know you were excited about this opportunity.

I just feel bad that we can't send Chance to Farm Camp.

He was so excited to go,

and now I feel like I've let him down.

No, no, not at all.

Hey, you are teaching him

how to stand up for what you believe in.

And besides, he's a kid. He's probably already over it.

I will never get over it!

I was so ready to make Farm Camp my whole personality.

It'll be okay.

Hey, if you want to shovel poop, I've got good news.

Churro found my gas station potatoes.

That's not the same.

Mm. You really wanted to go to that camp, didn't you?

Yeah. And now my squash dreams

have been squashed.

Good night, sir.

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

Hi!

Jana, what are you doing here?

I owe you an apology.

I've come to my senses.

And I now see your point about appropriation.

Oh. Okay.

So you're here to make things right?

Yes.

I've decided to launch a new line of dog beds.

And this time, no one can accuse me of appropriation

because I'm giving full credit

to the person who best represents the culture.

Aw, that means a lot to me, Jana.

Ew. Not you.

Hey, business bestie!

♪ ♪

Uh, Mayan, uh, Jana and I have business to attend to,

so if you would kindly leave my office.

This is not your office.

This is my house, which you live in rent-free

because you don't have your own.

I'm gonna just leave the contract right here.

Gracias.

[sighs] I don't understand. Why would she partner with you?

Mayan, I don't know if you're aware of this,

but you're only 50% Mexican

and we need 100% Mexican to make 200% profit.

That's business...

[exaggerated Latino accent] 101.

How could you do this?

I could say the same thing to you,

throwing away good money because of your principles.

Ta loca. I thought I raised you better than that.

Mom raised me, and she taught me

that respecting our culture is more important that fast cash.

What's the problem?

Jana said she would share credit

and look after our culture,

and now Chance can go to Farm Camp

and undo all the work that Cesar Chavez fought for!

But you went behind my back.

Mayan, Jana's gonna make those beds with or without us.

This was, at least we make some money from it.

It just feels wrong,

and do you even know how to sew?

I don't have to know how to sew.

Handmade by real Mexicans.

Well, technically, I'm adopted,

so I don't really know.

No one cares!

You've been two beds behind all day.

Get back to work.

Can I use the restroom?

Again?

You went yesterday.

Listen, if I let you go,

then they're all gonna want to go.

This isn't right.

You're right. They're going too slow.

Come on, vámonos. Faster!

[upbeat saxophone music]

Okay, this is mixture 34.

And keep in mind, I lost all sense of taste

because mixture 21 burned a layer off my tongue.

Mmm. This one is close.

It just needs a dash of cayenne.

Ooh.

- This makes my fingers tingle. - [laughs]

[gasps] Ohh, that's it.

That's the one!

Yeah.

That's the one. Milk me.

[panting]

Ah! We did it.

Azúcar!

[Celia Cruz's "La Vida Es Un Carnaval" plays on phone]

Oh, you just got that queued up?

Ah! All Cubans do.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Uh, uh, uh, uh, ah, ah.

♪ ♪

Aw!

This was really fun, Quinten.

[sighs] Well, I guess we're done here.

Yeah. Guess so.

I guess I'll go back to my kitchen

and cook flavorful meals for one.

Well, actually two. I forgot God.

And I will go back to making "blonde" meals for four.

Actually, five.

George has a second dinner at 3:00 a.m.

Well, just like La Jolla,

all good things... must come to an end.

[sniffles] Ah!

I think I'm having a delayed reaction to the onions.

[strained] I thought I was the only one.

♪ ♪

[factory whistle blows]

That's five minutes. Your lunch break is over.

[doorbell rings]

Hola, mama-citos.

I just came by to drop off this bed for Churro

and to give you your first check.

I think you'll be very happy with the number.

Ooh. You need to make this out to my business name--

Cash. [chuckles]

Damn, we're rich!

Well, I don't usually do small talk

with my employees, so...

My bank is gonna accuse me of check fraud,

but this time, they're gonna be wrong.

Hey, Grandpa, are we poor?

No, Gordo. Why would you ask that?

Aiden's mom bought a dog bed, and that's what the tag says.

Now everyone at school is talking about it.

"With every purchase, you help an unhoused Mexican man

"and his family break the cycle of poverty.

When your dog sleeps well, so do they."

Whoa, I feel bad for that unhoused Mexican man.

Does it say if we can donate to help him?

She's talking about me, fool!

She even used my picture.

I was doing my laundry.

I don't usually wear a trash bag.

The school is even organizing a food drive for our family.

What? Are you serious?

Yeah. Aiden felt so bad, he gave me a sandwich at lunch.

At least you got a sandwich.

♪ ♪

I got your text. What's the emergency?

The company that makes the condensed milk

you use for flan committed tax fraud,

so we are going to have to test out

all of these.

Oh.

Yes.

That's terrible!

And I heard that the olives that I use for my ropa vieja

are unethically sourced and the head of marketing...

is a murderer.

Oh, we have a lot of work ahead of us, Rosie.

We are gonna have to figure out how to remake everything.

I bet that bitch Betty Crocker

has some skeletons in her closet.

Hello, Father.

How's business with Jana?

Are you expanding into blood diamonds next?

I gave Jana her money back, Mayan.

You did?

Yep. You were right about her.

She exploited me.

And not in the hot way.

Yeah, I saw the tag.

She made you seem broke and homeless just to make a buck.

It was total trauma porn.

I finally found a porn I don't like.

I mean, we worked too hard

to get to where we are as a family,

and I don't want anybody thinking that Chance

or anybody in this family is a charity case.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, Mayan.

And for stealing my idea and going behind my back?

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

I mean, I just didn't want Chance to miss out

on going to camp like I did because of money.

I asked my grandma if I could go to Space Camp.

She took the bed out of my room and she goes,

"There. Now you got all the space you need."

I know your intentions were good,

and I'm proud of you for doing the right thing.

How did Momo take it when you had to lay him off?

Oh, great. I haven't told him.

He's still in the truck?

Mayan, I've been dealing with a lot!

I'll tell him tomorrow!

- [George sighs] - Our charity food's here.

I thought I would be embarrassed,

but...

cookies!

Nope. Those are La Jolla.

We are way too poor to be this picky.

[knock at door]

We're on strike.

You treat your workers unfairly,

and we're not gonna take it anymore.

No se puede.

You're absolutely right.

That's why I'm dissolving this unethical company.

Congratulations, babosos. You win.

Viva la raza!

♪ ♪

[rooster crows]

Okay, Gordo,

since you couldn't go to real Farm Camp,

I give you... La Vaca Flaca!

Honestly, I'm fine with the store-bought milk.

Well, I'm not.

So put your hands on those chichis,

and let's get to squeezing.

[spraying sounds]

What the heck, man?

I thought you wanted the full experience.

[country accent] Come on and hurry up now.

I caught a possum we need to delouse by sunup!

Come on, partner, let's do-si-do then!

Come on, now. Come on and dance.

[imitating country music]

♪ Swing your grandpa 'round and 'round ♪

♪ Come on, let's do it without a frown ♪

♪ ♪

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