Original subtitles

Okay, y'all, Randi asked me to make

a Thanksgiving-themed smoothie.

I was thinking something with pumpkin spice.

It costs the same, but we get to charge 12 bucks.

Ooh, I am so thankful for bougie fools.

And the reason I didn't use pumpkin spice is

that I don't wear yoga pants and I'm not a basic bitch.

Ooh. Aw, hell no.

That goes down like something that already came back up.

It's Mama's green bean casserole.

It's got cream of mushroom soup and almonds.

Dang, I forgot the fried onions.

- Let me try it with a little vodka. - Mm.

Much better.

Hi, everybody.

What the hell are you two wearing?

Oh, just a little matching Thanksgiving hilarity.

- "She's my sweet potato." - "I yam."

Okay, this is whiter than the first Thanksgiving.

So, what are you all doing for Turkey Day?

Same thing I always do, feed the desperate and needy.

But hopefully Katharine has other plans this year.

She's kidding.

She's never invited me for Thanksgiving.

Well, CJ is spending it with his mom,

so Randi's gonna cook for me all day.

Randi better be the name of your DoorDasher.

I'm camping out all day to get a good spot on Black Friday.

- You getting a new TV? - Nah, I'm not buying anything.

Just there for the fights.

How about you, Phil?

Are you taking Jalen home to meet your family?

Oh, no, no, no. We just started seeing each other.

Plus, the Crumpler family Thanksgiving can get

a little rowdy.

Last year's pig wrestle sent two cousins to the ER.

Well, since everyone's available,

we should do a Friendsgiving.

I'm happy to host.

What?

Kat... how can I say this?

Your parties suck.

And that's nicer than the way I was gonna put it.

My parties are fun. Max, back me up here.

Ain't no party like a Kat Silver party

'cause a Kat Silver party's got nonalcoholic punch.

We were scrapbooking.

You can't have a bunch of drunk people

wielding scissors all willy-nilly.

- This party's gonna be different. - Are you sure?

I yam!

Up top? No?

Why isn't Katharine letting us in?

Maybe the cats finally got her.

I need to eat soon.

- Phil is starting to look like a cartoon drumstick. - Ha!

A drumstick wishes it was this juicy.

Carter has a Thanksgiving protocol.

He doesn't eat for 48 hours,

- and then he shows up in maternity pants. - That's right.

Tonight, I'm getting knocked up with a food baby.

Do we have any idea what Kat has planned?

Last night, she was writing things on index cards

and giggling, so I'm thinking Thanksgiving Mad Libs.

Kat's parties are so adjective,

I'm gonna go verb myself with a loaded noun.

Good evening, everyone.

I hope you're ready for a night of glamorous fun.

It's gonna be hotsy-totsy, and that's no applesauce.

You've got to be adverb kidding me.

Why are you dressed like that?

You'll learn. I stopped asking years ago.

Why, I'm Kitty Vanderhuff,

America's wealthiest cat food tycoon.

Our kibble is the cat's pajamas.

We also make cat's pajamas.

Now, if all you chippies and cake-eaters are ready

for a real humdinger,

let's fly on up to the cuckoo's nest.

- Let's go upstairs. - You hear that, baby?

Mama's gonna eat.

- Ooh! - Oh, man.

We're going back to the 1920s. I love it.

Although that means us confirmed bachelors can't kiss in public.

Oh, who cares, there's cocaine in the soda pop.

1920s? Hold up.

If Randi and I got to eat in the kitchen,

I'm calling Al Sharpton.

No, all are welcome at Kitty Vanderhuff's table.

And to prove that I throw fun parties,

I've come up with a theme for this evening,

and the theme is... murder.

Wow, honey, a murder mystery Thanksgiving.

Yay.

All right, let's meet the victim.

If you please. Earlier today,

Tom Turkey was found decapitated,

plucked, and stuffed,

and one of you in this very room is...

the murderer.

You sure it didn't die of boredom

from one of your parties?

We're not eating for a while, are we?

Not true.

Alexa, how long does it take to cook a 20-pound turkey?

It is recommended to cook a 20-pound turkey

for four hours and 15 minutes at 325 degrees Fahrenheit.

Four hours and 15 minutes?!

Alexa, how long before a human starves to death?

Approximately 21 days.

This is horrible.

Till we eat, I'm just a man in maternity pants.

Now, inside of these bags,

you'll find your character backstory,

props and an alibi for...

the murder.

Give me that, or there's gonna be another murder.

No big deal, because I have...

a backup.

Who knew I'd miss Mad Libs?

All right, Randi, tell 'em who you are.

Okay, uh, well, it says here

- that I am... Oh. - She's my daughter! She's my daughter.

We've always best friends,

but since blooming into womanhood, she's more interested

in the attention of gentleman callers.

Yeah, you're right, we should've gotten high.

Cool, I'm Mayor McCheese.

Oh, it's Mayor McChase. Sorry. Typo.

Don't be sorry, Mayor McCheese commends Ms. Vanderhuff

on this fine celebration.

Shamrock Shakes for everyone!

I'm a world-class jockey

and three-time Kentucky Derby Champion.

I get it, I'm short.

I was a preeminent surgeon in the Army,

who saw things during the Great War that changed me.

- And what else? - I have a crush on Kitty.

Darn tootin', you do.

Max, who are you?

Uh, a brilliant college professor.

I won the Nobel Prize for my work in thermochemistry.

Great, I'm the nerd.

Really, Katharine? I'm your maid?

Tut-tut.

I rescued you off the street

when you got too old to be a prostitute.

This is the first costume I've ever worn

that my father would approve of.

I'll be right back.

He is such a delight.

If he were straight and 20 years younger,

he'd be perfect for me.

He's sweet, he's smart.

He makes me feel like I'm the only person in the room.

Look at me, falling for him at the speed of lesbian.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Unlikely friends, secret allies,

perhaps partners in... murder?

Okay, who messed with my button?

Hmm, looks like another mystery.

This is the worst party ever,

and I've been to an adult bris.

You know what?

You're a worse maid than you were a prostitute,

and you were an awful prostitute.

Al Capone called, he wants his penny back.

If you keep looking at your phone, Kat's gonna kick you out.

Actually, that's a good idea. Give me that.

I sent this record label my demo over a week ago.

I just really need some good news.

The phonograph is a fad, it'll never catch on.

Now, put away that cell blower, or it's 23 skidoo for you.

Well, I was looking at it, too, if you want me to Scooby-Doo.

This label is perfect for me.

They only have a few artists.

Although one of them is Kenny Chesney... 's cousin.

Max, can you just put that away for a few hours

and be part of this party?

I can, I just don't want to.

What is wrong with you people?!

It's like you're not even trying to have fun.

You know, when I bought these decorations at Party City,

the cashier said, "Wow, I'm so jealous.

Y'all are gonna have a good time."

Well, you know what, Donna? I'm the jealous one now.

I wish it were me driving

all the unsold Halloween crap to the dump.

I'm trying. I checked every side dish for clues.

The real mystery is who stole all the flavor?

All right, guys, Kat worked really hard on this.

So let's show her how much we appreciate it by having some fun.

Thank you.

By making it a drinking game!

No. No, no.

We don't need drinking to make it fun.

I mean, it's already a logical deduction game.

How about every time Katharine bosses us around, we drink?

No, no, we are not doing that.

She bossed us. Drink!

No snacking.

Here you go. Since it's Prohibition,

I had to get the booze from a couple of shady bootleggers.

They tried to give me the "rum-around."

Dear God, only you could ruin alcohol.

So, how do we wrap this game up?

Oh, we've hardly scratched the surface of the fun.

First you gather clues,

then after many hours of sifting through evidence,

you make an accusation.

It was Carter. Game over. Let's frigging eat.

Excuse me? I didn't do it.

And I'm the mayor, so you may refer to me as "Your Highness."

Okay, new rule, anyone who makes a wrong accusation has to drink.

I accuse the groundskeeper.

There is no groundskeeper.

Oh, I know.

It was the maid.

Tom Turkey knew she was spit shining

more than the jockey's shoes.

You treacherous bitch.

Seriously, me and the maid?

I don't mind being straight, but really, the help?

I'll tell you who I think it was...

our host, Fancy Puffenstuff.

Oh, it's true.

Look at those ham hands.

She could strangle a buffalo.

Why, I would never hurt Tom Turkey.

He was my... Randi, get the button ready.

Nope.

Fine. He was my...

father. "Dun, dun... "

All right. Who has the button?

Yeah, it was definitely the button.

You don't know what it's like to be mayor.

All those citizens,

all those potholes,

having to carry around that big-ass key to the city.

Well, you don't know what it's like being Kat's daughter.

I know it's pretend, but the embarrassment is real.

So, Professor, as a colleague of Edison's,

I'm curious what you think of Nikola Tesla.

Oh, that dude's awesome.

Great cars, even better cough drops.

* Ni-ko-la! *

This is the best Thanksgiving

since Katharine's father and I went to Honolulu.

We swam with the dolphins and had sex on the USS Arizona.

I've never been, but I sure watched a lot of Magnum, P.I.

The mystery was, "Am I gay?" And he solved it.

Oh, Hawaii with you would be magical.

We could boink at all the war memorials.

Hey, y'all, come on in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

dames and daddies, get your wiggle on.

The moment has arrived. Dinner is... Whoa.

Oh.

Ah! My baby!

Screw it! I'm going in!

Save some for me.

I'm the runt of the litter.

Phil! That is my foot!

This is the best Thanksgiving ever!

That was the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Oh, good, hey, you're up.

Who wants a breakfast margarita?

How are you not hungover?

You can't get hungover if you don't stop drinking.

Dude! It is Black Friday.

I will whoop your ass at a discount.

Well, you know what they say, it's noon somewhere.

I'll take one.

That's a hell of a mattress you got in there.

Is that where you slept, baby?

Yeah.

Where's Jalen?

Well, he left after you told him you loved him.

What?!

I was as surprised as he was.

How about you make me one for a grown-up?

I told him I loved him?

What did he say?

He said, "You're pretty drunk, please stop crying."

Oh.

Oh, my God.

The record label loved my demo

and would like to meet me in Nashville tomorrow.

Whoa, that's amazing!

You're gonna meet Biff Chesney.

Okay, okay, everybody be happy quieter.

This is a perfect end to what many are calling

a flawless murder mystery Thanksgiving.

Well, you know, we never found out who murdered Tom Turkey.

Oh, we all did,

with our apathy toward factory farming.

God.

That's stupid.

All my parties end with a teachable moment.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up.

I need some relationship advice.

On it, what's up?

Oh, I meant Randi, Carter.

Any of these people.

Phil, if you haven't heard from Jalen,

you need to text him.

But what would I say?

Is it time to send a tasteful nude?

- Fixes everything. - No.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

Hey, Phil, can I get a coffee?

I didn't expect you back so early.

How was your meeting?

I decided to skip the meeting.

You skipped it?

Yeah, the label's too small for me.

I-I need a place with a bigger reach.

Well, big things come from small things all the time.

If you need proof, I can send you one of my tasteful nudes.

Uh, I'm sorry, I'm just confused.

Yesterday you were so excited about this.

And today I changed my mind.

- But I don't... - Just let it go.

Wait... Max, hang on.

- What's Max's problem? - Oh, who cares?

Now, should I send this text to Jalen?

"Hey, just checking in. How's it going?

Are you breaking up with me? Please don't. I love you.

This is Phil."

- Perfect. Send it. - No!

My phone.

What's going on?

The truth is I overslept. My stupid alarm didn't go off.

Oh, well, you can always ask me.

I'll be your wakeup call.

I can even do one of my accents.

Crikey, mate, it's time to get up.

You've got things to didgeridoo.

I'm not in the mood, Kat. It's not a great day.

Okay. Well, just reschedule.

I tried. They were jerks about it.

Really?

You know what?

It's their loss.

You're gonna find some place better.

Thanks.

Have you been drinking?

I stopped off at a bar, had a couple to take the edge off.

Uh, it's not even 3:00.

I mean, who are you, one of the Real Housewives?

What are you saying, I drink too much?

Um, you tell me.

Were you drunk last night and that's why you overslept?

Kat, will you give me a break?

I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here.

I said that my alarm didn't go off!

I didn't realize that you were monitoring

how much I was drinking.

And who didn't have to get hammered

to get through your dumbass party?

Max...

Okay, he's way out of line.

That party was on the chain.

Or off the chain.

Whichever one is cool, my party was that.

Kat, everyone drinks too much at the holidays.

That's what family does to people.

I know, but this feels different to me.

Max was so excited about this meeting,

and then he missed it because he drank too much.

I mean, you're his roommate, have you noticed anything?

Well, only when it's Tequila Tuesday.

Or Whiskey Wednesday. Or Thirsty Thursday.

Wait, damn, do I have a drinking problem?

Max doesn't have a problem with drinking.

He has a problem paying his tab.

I mean, once he settles up, my kid can finally get braces.

Oh, no, it's Jalen.

It's the best three bucks I've ever spent.

Oh, God. He's here to break up with me.

He's gonna do it in person.

That is so classy,

I love him even more.

- Well, be strong. - Be confident.

Cry early and often.

Hey, you. See you later, guys.

I love you, Kat. I love you, Randi. I love you, Carter.

Something I say to everyone, doesn't mean anything.

It meant something to somebody.

Don't know if you got my text.

It was nothing special, just,

"What's up?"

Not "wassup... "

You remember that 20 years ago?

Oh, boy, that was funny.

Anyway, nice talk. Kiss?

I-I did get your text, and sorry I didn't respond.

But what I have to say should be said in person.

No.

You cannot break up with me if you can't catch me.

N-No, no. Oh, Phil.

Sit down, Phil.

I'm not breaking up with you.

Oh, thank God.

I haven't run in over 40 years.

Look, I'm not gonna lie,

when you said you loved me, it kind of freaked me out.

So...

I spent the last couple days thinking about...

why.

Well, I know why I said it.

You're kind, you're thoughtful.

You've got a butt tight as airport security.

Since we met, it's been super obvious to me

that I'm falling for you.

Oh.

Then you went and said that and I...

I don't want to ruin this by rushing it.

Well, I don't want to ruin it, either.

I want to make sure we do this right.

You're the first boyfriend I've ever had

where I really see a future.

Boyfriend?

I ate turkey off the floor with you and your weird friends.

You think I'd do that for anyone less than a boyfriend?

Hmm. I got a boyfriend.

And my friends are cool.

The only weird one is Kat.

Ay, ay, ay.

Y'all want to come up for some Thanksgiving leftovers?

I'm in. How about you, food baby?

Back up, ladies, he is all mine.

Oh.

Hey, Max.

Yeah, I'm glad you called.

Uh, listen, about earlier...

What?

What's going on?

He got arrested for public intoxication.

Seriously?

Oh, so now you don't like the button?

All right, I'm-a just come out and say it.

I think peeing on a cop car is funny.

You, sir, are an ally.

Why did you bring them?

Do you know how exciting it is

for a Black person to bail out a white dude?

I mean, this is the world that Dr. King dreamed of.

I'm here because my boyfriend is a lawyer.

Did you say boyfriend, Phil?

Why, yes, I did.

Max, maybe you want to walk us through what happened?

Uh, after our fight, I had a couple of drinks,

and then I was walking home,

because I didn't want to drive drunk,

which I think I deserve credit for.

No.

So, I ducked into a side street to go.

And you went on a police car.

Near a police car. The wind did the rest.

All right, maybe...

maybe I have been drinking more than usual.

Yeah, the neighborhood kid who recycles our cans and bottles

just bought a new bike.

It's just the music stuff hasn't been going like I wanted,

and I just have too much free time lately.

My boyfriend says, "Idle hands are the devil's playground."

That's right, I have a boyfriend.

Maybe a break would be good.

You know, change up my habits.

I think that's smart.

You know what might help?

Paying your bar tab.

I'm sorry that I snapped at you.

Oh. It's okay.

I figured it was the alcohol talking.

Why else would you say I threw a dumbass party?

Oh, good God, give it a rest.

We didn't eat for six hours.

Jalen thinks you're weird.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -