Original subtitles

"For 'ze' crime of insurrection against the Republic of France...

"And in accordance with 'ze' verdict of 'ze' people...

'Ze' prisoner is condemned to death."

Bring "ze" foreign exchange prisoner.

Warden, we have brought the foreign exchange prisoner as ordered.

This man, Professor Mortimer Gangreen, tomato mastermind...

Scourge of civilized society, is to be freed at once!

There must be some mistake, Warden. He is "ze" most dangerous man in "ze" world.

Silence! I have my orders!

You dare to disobey me?

Oh! Hold still, guys!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ha!

You are not "ze" warden!

Hey, nice batting! Come on, boys!

Let's go!

Hey! Don't! Don't do that!

- Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! - Can't take him an here!

Perfect.

Up, up and away!

Well done, lads! Well done!

To go with a balloon escape, sir, blueberry pizza?

Ah! With jalapenos. Mmm.

- Let her rip, Zoltan. - Right.

Bombs away!

All right! Aye!

Oh! Oh! Run!

Run!

Cruise tomato!

Igor, my tomatoes are ripe for revolution.

I hold in my hands the secret to world domination.

I'll give them a reign of terror they'll never forget.

'Tis a far, far meaner thing I do than I have ever done.

But that's show biz.

- Igor, to the castle! - You got it, Professor.

Déjà vu! Potpourri! Soup du jour!

"Every French hotel is equipped with a drinking fountain in the bathroom." Hmm.

Ok. Let's see, two francs.

And... a half a Twinkie.

That ought to last me another week.

What am I worried about? I'm 22 years old.

I'm backpacking through France. Life is wonderful.

Ah, who am I kidding? Michael J. Fox is a major motion picture star...

And I'm making a killer tomatoes movie... part four!

What am I worried about? I'm making a movie.

I'm filming in France. I got a piece of the merchandising.

It beats dinner theater. Hey!

Life is wonderful!

That was wonderful.

Are you real?

Or am I on some kind of Twinkie high?

"Frankly, my dear, I do not give a damn."

- Who are you? - I am a beautiful French county girl. Who are you?

Me?

I'm a... big American movie star.

I love American movies! Which one are you?

- Michael J. Fox. Hi. - Oh, Michael!

This has possibilities.

Wait till you see it, Professor. It's totally awesome.

I got plans. Big plans. We'll make a mint.

Where's this castle you've been babbling about?

You call that a castle, you Ayan ignoramus?

No, sir, Professor Gangreen. That's the tool shed. That's the castle.

It's a little run-down.

But I'm gonna have it painted... pastels.

Shops, specialty stores, bars.

And in that tower, a revolving restaurant.

And in this moat, Igor's alligator farm.

And someday...

Time-share condominiums!

How do you like it, Professor? Some hideout, huh?

- This is incredible. - Thanks.

How can we afford all this on my mental disability check?

Welcome to Igor's Really Big Castle Museum.

- Inside you will find... - This is the best part, Professor.

Exhibits from ancient times.

Come along, folks. Come along.

- Wow! - Now, folks, you've paid an awful lot of money to be here...

On the super deluxe grand tour.

Ten down, only 332 rooms to go.

Is one of those a bathroom?

Come along, folks.

Hope you enjoy your stay at Igor's Really Big Castle.

Igor's Really Big Castle Tour. It's a gold mine.

Idiot! This is supposed to be a hideout!

A secret hideout.

- I'll be the laughing stock of mad men everywhere. - No problem. Follow me.

After visiting our museum...

Be sure to stop by our world famous gift store...

Featuring daily specials on many items.

- You will find Igor's Really Big Castle Museum... - Ho, ho! I am the king.

Full of state-of-the-art audio animatronic technology...

Ho, ho, ho. I am the king.

- Joan of Ark. - Ho, ho, ho.

Hope you enjoy your stay at Igor's Really Big Castle...

A veritable treasure trove of really neat stum.

Before leaving, please ask about our new time-share condominium program. Thank you.

Ho, ho, ho. I am the king.

Ho, ho, ho. I am the king.

It's all here, Professor. Everything you asked for.

It's perfect.

Wonderful.

Oh, you even decorated. Nice touch.

Igor.

I picked up this little tome at the prison library. Behold.

The Prophecy of Nicodemus.

"When the streets of Paris shall run bright red.

"Then flow not the waters of life...

"Be thee cold and dead.

"Be azure skies turned black as night unfurled.

"Where a weeping virgin stands watch o'er the Underworld.

"When these four things strange occur as one...

"The True King of France shall return with the sun.

"Restore then to France her former glory.

And this, kind sirs is the end of our stop."

Hey! Hey! Cut it out! Stop it!

- The movie's just beginning. - "The King of France returns."

- What's that got to do with us? - Hmm. Behold.

The future king of France.

Professor...

- It's... it's me! - Yes, it's you!

Just think of it. It's incredible.

It's unbelievable. It's frightening, but true. True!

With you on the throne of France...

I'll have the means to unleash my killer tomatoes on mankind!

Hit the brakes!

Hit the brakes!

Ow! Ohh! Ow!

I had the double cheeseburger.

Lunch. Excellent.

Hey, who got into my fries, huh?

You still owe me 3.77, Shoelace Face.

Hey, I paid... watch that.

- Mmm. Needs ketchup. - Hey!

Nothing personal.

But, Professor, this stums pretty far out.

Red streets, rivers that don't flow, black sky, Underworld.

- What makes you think all this'll come true? - Don't worry about it.

Leave that to us.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! That's a tomato!

- For crying out loud. - Oui.

- We what? - What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Yeah, I'll say. You don't just wave to a tomato. How do you know?

In France, we do not discriminate against harmless vegetables.

Tomatoes are welcome here.

Don't get the wrong idea, ok? Some of my best friends are tomatoes.

It's just that killer tomatoes are dangerous. Period.

In France, we call tomatoes "love apples."

And love is something we French know, yes?

No... uh, yes. Sure.

Louie, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

- Michael. - Pardon?

That's my name... Michael. You just called me Louie.

Yes, I know. Only the farmers win.

Yeah. Sure. Your English is unusual.

Merci. I learn by watching American movies.

Romantic ones like Casablanca, Cool Hand Luke...

The Magnificent Seven.

Have you seen Chinatown? It's my favorite.

Chinatown "My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!

Mad! My sister and my daughter! Oui?

Yeah. I guess you've seen it.

But I have a question.

Why do Americans always wait until the middle of the movie to fall madly in love?

Why not at first sight?

Stupid Americans?

Hey, what are you doing with that thing, boss?

It ain't no killer tomato. It ain't got no teeth!

Just watch, boys.

Just watch.

Ah! Oh, needles!

Stand back!

I have created...

You created a mess!

- That's what you created! - Shut up!

- I am missing the mutant gene. - I'll say.

One ingredient that keeps me from total success.

I created it once quite by accident when I made that... ah...

When I made that... ah-choo!

Yeah. When you made Fuzzy Tomato.

That lousy little furball ain't gonna stop us this time! Right, boss?

Zoltan, you must find FT.

That double-crossing do-gooder holds the key to our success!

- FT! FT! - FT!

- I will disgrace you and destroy you! - Yeah!

And conquer the world in the bargain.

So... fly, my beauties.

Fly. Find Fuzzy Tomato, the ruby mutant!

- We don't fly, boss! We bounce! - Yeah.

It's a figure of speech, nimrod. Get out of here!

Ohh! Ohh!

My mother is named Marie also.

My father is Francois. But everyone calls him Frenchy.

Say, I'd like...

Uh...

Electricity. It has changed everything.

Oh, no, no, no. I... I couldn't. Please.

I... could, I guess. Just a...

Little bit there.

Escargot. You like?

Escargot du sushi. Nouvelle cuisine.

- Bonsoir. - It is not the escaped prisoner!

It is Frenchy!

Marie, your beau is here.

Beau? Marie, I didn't know you have a beau... fr... a boyfriend.

Oh, Marie.

That is my sister, also named Marie.

Now you know the truth. I am so ashamed.

Don't be silly. There's no need to be ashamed.

- Just because your sister... - Is beautiful! Go on! Run to her! They all do.

I lied when I told you I was beautiful.

I hoped you were blinded by the sand in your eyes.

Who am I kidding? I am a beast!

Why I can't look like a real French woman?

Oh, Frenchy!

Damn! I hate these open beam ceilings.

I eat all the time, but I never gain weight.

I am doomed forever to have a tiny waist and a petite derriere.

I am the most unluckiest person in the whole world.

Yeah. But there's more to life than mere physical beauty.

Michael, you are so kind, so thoughtful.

Are all American men as sensitive as you?

Well...

Yes.

Please, take me with you.

- To Paris? You and me? - Help!

- Oui, I will show you the sights. Please. - Help!

We will drink wine, talk and hold hands...

Talk, share laughter and talk.

I don't know. I'm not much of a talker.

And then we shall make wild, passionate love under "ze" windmills.

Windmills? I love miniature golf.

Yeah. It's the best thing since electricity. We call it gasoline.

We are simple French county folk. This gasoline, we do not know.

A rich American like you must think us very quaint. What is it like being a big movie star?

Oh, it's not easy. You have to sift through script after script...

Until you find just the right one.

- Hyah! - Michael! Look at that big, black thing!

- We must be getting near Paris! - Hyah! Hyah!

That is, of course, a big square and round thing...

Built by someone to remember something sometime.

Ah, the famous left Bank of Paris.

That is a big, tall building with lots of knick-knacks and stuff.

It's almost finished.

This is Napoleon's Tomb.

Oh, now wait just a doggone minute here. This is the Sphinx, and it's in Egypt.

You've never even been to Paris, have you? What's this? Old Faithful?

No. This is the Waters of Life. I am sorry.

- You must think I am a stupid, skinny peasant girl. - No! No! No! Heck no.

I... I think you're the kind of girl a guy could...

- Um, a guy could... - Yes?

- Say, what is this place? - It is a famous Paris attraction.

It is a recreation of an authentic American shopping center.

Oh, great. That's just what I came to France to see, another faceless mall.

No. Not another faceless mall.

But a genuine replica of San Diego's magnificent Horton Plaza.

One hundred and fifty-one specialty stores and restaurants...

For your shopping convenience.

Hearye! Hearye!

Hearye! Hearye!

Michael, look!

Michael, look. The stone in the shoe.

- The stone in the shoe? - Shh.

Hearye! Hearye!

Mesdames et monsieurs.

According to legend...

She who takes five paces in the magic shoe...

Is the true queen of France.

She's even thinner than me. What a dog!

Regular Quasimodo.

Un...

- Deux... - Ow!

Trois...

She's going to make it!

Go, Marie! Go!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Boo!

Take a hike, bimbo!

Ow! Ohh! Ooh!

What's the deal?

It's the curse of my county. Our revolution was a big mistake.

Now we have no king, no royalty...

- No Charles, no Di, no Fergie, no Stephanie, no Kennedys. - Ow!

But someday, someday that will change.

France will once again be famous!

We will have our own trashy tabloids...

Our own sordid scandals.

- Vive la France! - Vive la France!

Michael, look!

"Tonight only! The FT Up With Tomatoes Concert.

A benefit for the Human/Vegetables Brotherhood foundation."

- Wow. - Le Tomato Fuzzy, my favorite rock star.

He's bigger than Jerry Lewis.

Old FT's done pretty good for himself. I haven't seen him in ages.

You know le Tomato Fuzzy?

Oh, yeah, sure. FT and I, we went to college together.

Please, Michael, take me to the Louvre tonight. I'd love to see the concert and meet FT.

- For you, baby, anything. - Great! I need a new dress!

Let's see. This is 43. This is us.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Louvre is proud to present...

Rock and roll's most sensitive superstar...

That lovable liberal, Fuzzy Tomato!

# Up with tomatoes and up with people too #

# You know and I know #

# It's the right thing to do #

# We should learn from children the proper way to play #

# Then together #

# We can have a really nice day #

# No hate, no war #

# No ethnic strife #

# In the age of Aquarius #

# It's a garden of life #

# Come on men and wo-persons #

# Join this uplifting ballad #

# Because we're all important parts #

# Of life's tasty salad #

# We are the world #

# We are the seedlings #

# Our hope and our faith have no ceilings #

# Black and white red and green #

# Together as one #

# We get love from the Earth #

# And strength from the sun #

# Ooh, ooh, ooh #

Bravo!

C'est magnifique!

FT is an inspiration to men and wo-persons everywhere.

FT will return after a short intermission.

FT is so P.C.

You're knocking 'em dead. You're mutilating 'em.

You got a press pass to have that thing in here? One of these?

- A rockumentary? Oh, well... - You're decimating them. You're drowning them.

You're boiling them in oil. Am I right, babe?

You're chopping them up into teeny-weenie, tiny little pieces...

So that their guts are hanging outside.

- Get that for me, would you, Marie? - Oh, lunch?

- FT, Madonna is on the telephone. - Madonna who?

- Who is it? - Sacre bleu! It is Santa Claus!

- Ha, ha, ha! - Ho, ho, ho.

Right. Ho, ho, ho.

Santa, baby. We're a little busy.

The Toys for Tots gig isn't for another six months, right, kiddo?

Well, in that case, we'll just leave these little baubles right here!

Whoa!

Help! H-Help!

You'll never work in show business again!

You're gonna find yourself in a Caesar Salad!

Get your FT souvenirs! French fries!

Get your apple pie a la mode! Get it while it's hot!

Let's hear it again for FT!

Yeah! Whoo!

Yeah!

# Violets are blue and tomatoes are red #

# We'll stomp on your feet #

# And knock off your head #

# My name's FT and I'm red and I'm rad #

# Of the funky French culture I'm sick and I'm mad #

# Enough of these gigs now listen, you frogs #

# Your right's for the pigs and your food's for the dogs #

# Death and destruction #

# That be our plan #

# Tomatoes forever #

# Down with the man #

# Au revoir, Renoir this Vincent can Gogh #

# Say goodbye, adieu Michelangelo #

Whoo! Ha, ha!

Something is very wrong here.

Michael, what's happening?

I know FT! I've partied with FT!

And let me tell you, you're no FT!

Wait a minute! Listen to me!

That's not FT!

- Come on, Marie! Let's get out of here! - Michael! Michael!

Get the tomato lover! Kill the tomato lover!

He's a lover of tomatoes!

Kill him! Kick him in the head!

Do anything! Just get the tomato lover!

You have to kill him! Get him! Get them! Oh, my god!

How you feelin', little furball?

So, my fuzzy friend, we meet again.

For the first time in memory, it's a pleasure to see you.

- Ah... choo! - Oh, geez, you son of a...

Excuse me. Is this the castle gift shop?

- Third door down the hall. Special on slides today. - Get out of here!

- Move it! - Help me, grandma! Come here! Wait a minute!

And now we come to the entertainment part of our program.

Igor, throw the... ah... ah...

Throw the... throw the... throw the...

Baseball? Football? Discus?

Uh, lawn mower? Start the lawn mower?

- Bless you! - Throw the switch, you chowderhead!

I must be allergic to this overripe furball.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Merci for your generous donation.

You have no idea how much it means to me.

Igor, show our guest to the penthouse.

I may have need of him later.

We don't have a penthouse, sir. All we have is this really high tower with bars on the windows.

Well, gee, I guess that'll have to do. Must I be so literal?

"The streets run red" saith the prophecy.

They shall, indeed, before you can say, "tomato surprise."

Yes!

Kill the tomato lovers!

Now that was close. I told you tomatoes can be dangerous.

You said yourself that was not the real FT!

Yeah. But the whole place went crazy.

It was the impostor that started it! We must find FT and rescue him...

Explaining what really happened or else...

Or else you're gonna have another French Revolution on your hands.

The garden variety.

All right. I'll bite. Where are we?

The Tomato Quarter. The roughest, most dangerous part of Paris.

If FT was kidnapped, they would maybe bring him here, yes?

Did you say dangerous? You know, FT and I aren't exactly what I'd call close.

Uh, actually, it's pretty casual.

Certainly a brave, handsome American like you is not afraid.

Afraid? Moi?

- I am not afraid. - Good. Come on.

A little cautious, maybe.

Prudent. Careful. These are good words.

Petrified. It's a good one too.

Whoa!

They look pretty vicious. Of course, on the other hand...

They're now roused to a state of intense anger which is liable to explode any minute.

Michael, over there.

Oui. Oui.

This is a very famous French vegetable café.

Two more straws?

Maybe she knows something, yes?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Hey, you fruit! Get out of here!

This is not that kind of a bar! Allez! Allez!

Oh, mama. Get this.

Bonjour, madame. Et bonjour, monsieur.

Welcome to the French... Kiss.

What will it be, "ze", uh, house specialty?

Uh... perhaps you heard about the riot tonight at the Louvre?

- Oui. What of it? - Le Tomato Fuzzy was kidnapped!

- No! Then that explains it! - Explains what?

Over there. Look slowly.

The fat one, he has the hots forme.

- He calls himself Zoltan. - Hey, baby, what's happening?

He is disgusting!

They all are!

He gave me a Christmas present. Ha!

A fur coat!

Hmm. A cheap gift. Kind of small.

Look! A zipper! It's the FT disguise!

What furcoat has a zipper? Eh?

- Pig! - That's mr. Pig to you.

They invited me to their pad.

"Igor's Really Big Castle Tour. Real cheap."

That really big castle looks a little familiar.

Yeah. It looks a lot like the one that's up the street from your house.

Of course! That's where I've seen it! I will call a cab!

Taxi! Taxi!

Take me with you. I am mad for you!

I will show you the sights of Paris.

Wait a minute. Wait. I'm not gonna fall for that line again.

Besides, I've got a girlfriend, Marie.

How did you know my name?

Don't you know the only thing better than one French girl is two French girls.

- Ménage à trois. - Oh, ménage à trois.

I thought that was when you use both hands.

- Man, I'm one stewed tomato. - Aw, don't be.

Michael, this was a great idea.

These disguises are much better than everyone else's.

Yeah. We're the life of the party.

Just try not to attract any attention, ok?

Igor's Really Big Castle.

Ohh!

Over here.

You see that? I think that's the main entrance.

- Ooh. - Come on.

Now think. Where would they hide FT?

I do not know. In "ze" garage?

No. This is a castle. It doesn't have a garage.

- "Ze" rec room? - No.

"Ze" family room? "Ze" kitchenette? "Ze" dungeon?

"Ze" dungeon! Of course.

Now come on, everybody!

Come on! Now, mrs. Brubaker, don't you lean on that banister.

We've got a schedule to maintain.

Only 246 more rooms to go, ok?

- Poor souls. - Thank you, sir.

There's nothing we can do for 'em now. Come on.

Let's find that dungeon.

Psst! FT?

FT, are you down here?

What is this place?

- Maybe a weight loss clinic? - Michael, look!

"Property of prison library. Severe fine for removal!"

That looks like the royal seal.

Crown Books. This is the real McCoy, all right.

"The Prophecy of Nicodemus"?

"When the streets of Paris shall run bright red.

"Then now not the Waters of life...

"Be thee cold and dead.

"Be azure skies turned black as night unfurled.

"Where a weeping virgin stands watch o'er the Underworld.

"When these four things occur as one...

"The True King of France shall return with the sun.

"Restore then to France her former glory.

And this, kind sirs is the end of our stop."

Hey, who turned out the lights?

Will you stop that?

Michael, if this prophecy comes true, France is saved.

We will have a king again.

Marie, I wouldn't get your hopes up too high.

A lot of weird stuff has to happen first.

Besides, we came here to find FT.

We don't have time for fairy tales.

Where is that little fuzzy tomato?

Ah, "ze" king.

He is so strong, so handsome.

But you are right. Fairy tales are for children.

Hey, let's split up. You'll take the east wing. I'll take the west wing.

We'll cover more ground. Ok? Let's go.

That looks just like the guy...

Nah.

FT? FT?

I've looked everywhere.

FT!

Shh!

"Visit the Tower of 900 Steps."

900 steps?

# Pass it around #

# 33 bottles of beer on the wall #

# 33 bottles of beer on the wall #

# 33 bottles of beer #

"Ze" king of France?

Is it really you?

Yeah. I'm me, all right.

Oh, lord.

This is a great day for France. Wait until Michael sees you.

Eight hundred ninety-eight, 899, 900.

Attention. Attention.

Will Michael J. Fox please report to the dungeon?

Will Michael J. Fox please report to the dungeon on the double? Thank you.

Eight hundred and ninety-nine, 898, 897...

Hey, now, a six of hearts. Six of hearts. Oh.

- This better be important. - Michael, look.

I know you. That balloon.

You're the guy. You're the...

King of France! The monarchy is saved.

You don't understand. This guy is...

Quite accurate with a sandbag if I recall. Isn't that right, boys?

- Right, boss. - Hangover.

You kidnapped FT.

You are behind all this.

Quite right. And now, without further adieu, it's time to say au revoir.

- Marie, you've done well. - Marie?

- Igor! - How could you?

Michael, you don't understand!

Don't look.

Thank you, my dear. Your assistance has been greatly appreciated.

Show the lady to the penthouse, Igor.

That's king Igor.

Not yet, you blundering blockhead! Move your royal rump!

Michael! What have you done to him, you monster?

Let's just say he checked out on page 43. Read your script.

Hey, I didn't get a script.

"Michael is killed in the Basement of Death?"

Ohh!

Yes. The horrible Basement of Death.

This is a basement.

I'm not impressed!

No! He washed the colors with the whites!

Garage door opener.

Wait a minute. This is a castle. It doesn't have a garage!

I'm impressed! I'm impressed!

"Michael is killed in the Basement of Death"? I die?

On page 43? This sucks!

No, Chuck! Not this time!

Fly me to France coach, they put me up in a one star hotel.

It doesn't even have a drinking fountain in the bathroom.

- Like I need this? - Can he do that?

I'll be in my trailer!

Marie's so pretty, she thinks she can wrap me around her little finger.

"Michael, look. I will show you the sights." Typical female.

Oh, sure. Go ahead. Destroy your life. Just remember.

Those ruby lips and emerald eyes mask a putrid suppurating, self-centered cynicism...

A nauseating, rotting, infectious mass of decaying decadence buried in...

And then the trap door flew open. And my beloved Michael fell to his death...

Believing I had betrayed our love. Oh.

I have nothing left to live for. Nothing.

Hey. Can I get you an autograph?

- You are very kind. - Thank you.

But an autographed poster cannot bring back my beloved.

- Besides... - Well, you never know.

- You are disgraced as well. - What?

Zoltan tricked the people into thinking you destroyed the Louvre.

- Me? - The greatest work of Michelangelo and Leonardo gone!

- Forever! - Cowabunga?

No. Not the Ninja Turtles!

The other Michelangelo and Leonardo.

Ah, phew!

The point is, neither of us has any future.

- We might as well rot right here. - No. Really? Come on. No.

All right, men, listen up.

Operation Tomato Storm begins at zer 6:00 in the morning.

The target for today, France.

- Aah! - Oui, oui.

Then we'll attack from the north and the east.

From Hong Kong, Guatemala, Australia...

Igor, where'd you get this map?

It's official American high school issue, sir.

Next slide.

We'll hit 'em here...

On the famous... McEnroe Line.

Fire!

- Let's see your backhand! - Fire!

Run, you cowards! Run!

"Red Menace. Tomatoes Marching Toward Paris!"

Gangreen and that blonde Benedict Arnold!

I wish I were dead.

"Join the Army. Learn electrical engineering, quantum mechanics...

Molecular biology and die like a man."

Sounds like a plan.

Vive la France! Pour la bas!

War in Europe! For the third time in this century...

The sounds of battle reverberate across the muddy fields of France...

As killer tomatoes hurl themselves...

Against the well-entrenched defenders of freedom.

Dear Marie, you subhuman scum.

I am writing you this letter from the front.

Your betrayal has broken my heart and sapped my spirit.

Accordingly, I have decided to die like a man.

Far from the allures of perditious females.

By the time you read this, I will, no doubt, be dead...

Embracing the silent sleep of the lovelorn.

May your miserable life be filled with failure.

Love, Michael.

Bernard, I'm coming to you live from directly under my bed...

High atop the El Rajid Holiday Inn here in Paris.

- Killer tomatoes have been reported on... - Igor!

- How's it coming? - Great, Professor! Three more tour groups signed up!

The war, you pointy-headed mush for brains!

A... ok. Am I gonna be king soon?

They're eating my microphone! You can't do that!

You can't eat me. I've got a Pulitzer Prize. I've got a book deal.

"Dear Marie, you subhuman scum."

It's from Michael. He's alive!

He's alive!

Cool.

Oh, no. He's going to kill himself.

I must find him, tell him the truth!

- FT, how can we escape? - Beats me!

Konnichiwa! Bonjour! Hi there.

You must help us! I am Marie, and this is FT.

And we've been kidnapped by a mad professor who controls the killer tomatoes!

And my love is going to kill himself unless I can find him...

Because he thinks I betrayed him!

And everyone thinks FT's behind the revolution!

But he really is a friend of men and wo-persons everywhere!

And unless we escape, France will be ruled by a handsome imbecile...

And a bunch of little red round things!

Hello!

FT! You can slip through the bars!

Uh-uh! It's a long way.

I know it's a long way down. I will make a rope from my dress.

No. This is insane! No. No.

- FT, you are the last hope of France. - Well...

- Find Michael. Give him my letter. - No.

- Now, soar, like a bird. - No.

No. I'm gettin' out... No. No. No!

Ow!

I have an idea. Why don't you make the rope longer?

I am sorry. This is a PG movie. I cannot make the rope longer.

- Bazongas. - Thank you.

36 "B" cup. Why?

Geronimo!

Go, FT!

Go!

Vive la France! Pour la bas!

- Fire! - Voulez-vous couchez avec moi!

# Attack of the killer tomatoes #

- # Attack of the killer tomatoes # - Fire!

# They'll beat you, bash you, squish you mash you, chew you up for brunch #

# And finish you off for dinner or lunch #

# They're marching down the halls #

# They're crawling up the walls #

- Pass the mustard! - Fire!

# They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy rotten to the core #

Mustard gas! Vegetables!

- # Attack of the killer tomatoes # - Oh!

# Attack of the killer tomatoes #

# They'll beat you, bash you, squish you mash you, chew you up for brunch #

# And finish you off for dinner or lunch #

# Lunch, lunch dinner or lunch #

Look out!

- Buddy, are you ok? - "Zank" you. You saved my life.

It was nothing. Igor!

No. I am Louis, but my friends call me Frenchy.

And you, good sir, are a true friend.

You look just like... oh, boy. The king!

You're the king! The prophecy of Nicodemus! You're the guy!

You're the guy who's supposed to save France!

I know nothing of any prophecy.

- Look! They are attacking! - No, no!

Whoa! Hey!

FT, you're ok!

Chenin blanc! Le tomato fuzzy!

- The traitor! - No, no! FT is a good guy.

It was an impostor that trashed the Louvre. FT, meet the king.

- Hey, King! - No, I am Frenchy.

Listen to me. If I only had that book.

Oh, wow. It's out in paperback.

- Best seller. - Here. Look.

Streets run red. Waters don't flow.

Sun don't shine. Virgin weeps. King comes back.

That's you.

No wonder my last name is Seventeenth.

- What? - Letter.

"My darling, I did not betray you.

"I was duped by Gangreen. I am in the Tower of 900 Steps.

"Please rescue me at your earliest possible convenience...

"So that we may stop 'ze' killer tomatoes...

"Restore 'ze' throne, and save France.

- Love, Marie." - Aww.

Infrared glasses for night vision.

Night vision? It's noon.

Oui. And precisely in one hour, there will be a total eclipse of the sun.

The first time in France since 1553. They may try a surprise attack.

Oh!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Back fur...

Be azure skies turned black as night unfurled.

Azure means blue!

Blue skies. Day into night!

The eclipse! Of course! That's it!

The prophecy... it's gonna take place during the eclipse!

We've got to stop Gangreen!

If he fulfills the prophecy before we do, Igor becomes the king of France.

- Not Igor! - Igor? Who is "zis" Igor?

I'll explain it on the way to The Really Big Castle. Let's go!

Let's go!

Whoa. Oh. Fresh off the vine.

- Hey, who does his hair? - Perfect!

Nice stems, sweetheart.

I think I have a run in my stocking.

Oh! Never mind runs in the stocking!

- Runs! - In an hour, France will be mine!

- Yeah! - You will claim the throne, surrender to Zoltan!

Europe will be at my feet.

Great plan, peasant swine.

Hey, better hurry up! Things are rough at the front.

Yeah! We're using green recruits!

Yeah! We're gettin' stomped!

Not to worry, Zoltan! Not to worry.

FT has solved the problem for us.

Remember the mutant gene we extracted?

Uh-oh.

Stand back!

- Wow! Déjà vu! - Yeah.

Huh, birth of a salad.

Oh!

- Corner pocket. - Oh.

Lift ticket.

Fifty mega-toms! Whoa!

Oh!

- Well, what happens now? - Yeah. What happens now?

Behold.

I've done it! I've done it!

I have created Tomato Head, the world's first thermonuclear tomato.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! 50 mega-toms.

Equal to the destructive force of 5.000 killer tomatoes. Yeah!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Mamma mia. That's some spicy "meatballa".

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Ok. Now, there's the tower.

You guys create a diversion, and I go rescue Marie. Any questions?

Bismarck?

Uh, no. The capital of Idaho is Boise.

- Let's go! - Yeah!

Doo doo-doo!

Cover me.

Eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15...

121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127...

441, 442, 443, 444, 445, 446...

712...

713...

FT, stop "zem", we must.

Look. Weapon!

Do not touché.

Well, Louis, it is an emergency.

You're right.

"Zis" is an emergency.

Halt, blackguards!

Hey, Igor, where's your king duds?

En garde, you handsome dog!

Hmm.

Wow! Finally something decent!

This is better than Universal Studios!

So realistic too!

Ah, pardon me, ladies and gentlemen.

Please step into this fine example of a 16th century broom closet.

Ho! Ho...

Ok, footwork. Footwork. You gotta use your right hand.

The judges are gonna vote against you. You gotta take him this round.

Don't forget. Footwork. Footwork!

All right, that's a cut. Reset, people. Back to one.

Art Department, will you get on this wall?

Stay miked! Speed! Action! Cut!

Back! Back!

Burn page 64! Burn it!

Ooh, ow! Ow! Ow!

You, sir, are my prisoner.

Uh-oh. Yo, boss man!

There's someone climbing the steps to the tower. He's gonna rescue the broad!

Not likely, Zoltan. Not likely.

750, 751, 752...

755! 756! 757!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

You will never get away with this...

Even if you place an impostor on the throne of France!

One look at my face will unmask your fiendish plot.

Did you say unmask?

Ooh, an unfortunate choice of words...

Because no one is ever going to see your face again.

Igor.

Farewell, sweet prince. Or whoever's in there.

My life means nothing.

At this very moment, my brave American friend is closing in on you.

I'm leaving a little surprise for your friend.

As you've discovered, it's easier to get into my castle than out of it. Viper!

- Yo! - Have Tomato Head greet our guest in the lobby.

- Zoltan, report! - Everything's set, boss.

Total eclipse of the sun in 26 minutes.

On to Paris! The prophecy is at hand!

So long, sucker.

Ciao, baby.

17, 18...

Skates? Oh, why did it have to be skates?

No!

Yah!

Marie. Marie!

Michael?

Yes!

- Ah! - Hurry!

Ow! Oh! Ah! Ah!

I never thought I'd see you again.

Hey, you can't get rid of me that easily.

- Then you don't hate me for what's happened? - Hate you?

Ow! Watch that speed bump.

Michael, look!

Uh, fellas? Are we there yet?

Nothing like the wind in my leaves!

Come on! We got to stop that misogynistic misanthrope.

Oh, I love that kind of talk.

Heck, maybe Igor would make an ok king.

Nah.

Michael, I thought we were in a hurry!

- Where's FT? - He's with Louis.

- Who's Louis? - I'll explain on the way down.

Come on!

Hmm. Ok. Oh, oh!

Oh, dungeon. Hmm, ok.

Louis!

Ow! Ow!

Don't worry, Louis. I'll save you.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

# Wake up, Louis and fight, fight, fight #

# Charge that door with all your might #

# Precious something for you and me #

# Onward, Louis... #

Let me out! Get me out of here, Louis!

Louis!

- Come, le Tomato Fuzzy! We must save France! - Yeah!

So, you see, Louis is the true king of France!

And we have to fulfill the prophecy before they do, before the eclipse!

- That's the whole story. - Wow!

"Zat" is the second most amazing story I've ever heard.

- Can't this thing go any faster? - Be patient.

We must take "zis" one step at a time.

Hot dog! Get your genuine American hot dog!

- Which way did they go? - Who?

A madman in a white lab coat, a prince in blue panty hose...

And some vicious red round things.

Could you be more specific?

Hey, Louis. Let's get a hot dog, ok?

- We do not have time for a hot dog. - Hey, I made a plan.

Ah. Uh, two polish dogs and some fries.

- Fries? Foreign or domestic? - Domestic, of course!

Let's go. Come on!

- Ok, I'll drive. - Vive la France!

Who was that masked man?

Onward, le Tomato Fuzzy!

Oh, my gosh.

What is it?

Well, it appears to be a giant, slobbering, somewhat overweight tomato with a cape and mask.

It's... it's Phantomato of the Opera!

Back off. You overgrown piece of produce!

Aah! Holy smoke!

Michael, do something!

- W... w-w-weapon! I need a weapon! - There!

- I was thinking more along the lines of a Patriot missile. - Look!

Ah! Hah!

Now, that was an interesting diversion.

Now, on to the highlight of our tour...

The Tower of 900 Steps.

900 steps? Oh!

I'd like you to notice this very large Elizabethan tapestry...

Directly behind me.

And to my left is a Louis XIV Stratolounger.

And this is a giant, fire-breathing tomato.

A giant, fire-breathing tomato?

Damn! I'm out of film!

Go, go, go!

- Got it. - You got it?

- Yes. - All right.

Ow!

All right! Now, I'll distract him and you get out of here!

- Oh, Michael! You'll get a medal for "zis"! - Yeah, posthumously.

No, definitely!

Huh?

Magnifique!

Simply brilliant!

Hey, we still have to find FT, and we have to stop Gangreen.

We don't have time for this. Come on! Let's go!

Ahh!

Merde!

- These are my best shoes! Genuine imported Cherokees! - Don't worry about it.

You wouldn't by any chance be looking for that man in the iron face mask, would you?

Iron face mask? No. No, no.

We're looking for a little red fuzzball.

A fuzzball? He went that-a-way!

Thank you! Come on!

Hey! Tell him he owes me 3.50!

Uh, pardon me. The name's Bond, James Bond. This is Brigitte Bardot.

We're on a mission for the Secret Service.

We need your motor vehicle. Uh, have a nice day.

I "zought" Sean Connery was taller.

That was Roger Moore, dummy.

It looked like Skippy to me.

Onward to glory, my fuzzy friend!

Yes! The azure skies turned black as night unfurled!

Yes!

Come on!

Citizens of France! Victory or vichyssoise!

Oh, can't this thing go any faster?

- Shift gears or something! - I am doing the best I can!

Hurry! Hurry!

- Uh-oh. - Hey, boss, we got company.

Onward, le Tomato Fuzzy!

Gadzooks! Golden gomer at 6:00, Igor!

Make haste with the paste!

Yeah! Let's juice 'em, jack!

Hey, I can't see!

Watch where you are going, le Tomato Fuzzy!

Oh! Oh! Look out!

Look out, le Tomato Fuzzy!

Louis, are you hurt?

I am all right. Quickly, we must warn "ze" people before it is too late.

- You are a mess. Ew! - You are right. I am a mess.

Hand me "zat" costume!

Loyal subject, we must fight!

Loyal subject, we must help!

Loyal subject, we must strike!

Tough crowd.

It's gotta be!

There they are! Hurry up!

- Onward, Igor! - Go, go, go, go, go!

Destiny! Our destiny.

Yes!

All right, pull alongside!

Give it up, you garlic scum!

That's "Gallic" scum, nimrod! Yah! Yah! Yah!

- Hey, watch it! - Ha!

You can't win!

Don't you know good always kicks evil's butt?

Wanna bet?

Slice and dice, Igor! Yes!

Marie, look out!

She gets the point.

Fight! Fight!

Closer, you Teutonic twit!

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, Professor, how do we get out of here?

Bear right, you idiot!

Oh, street sweepers coming through!

Juice 'em, Professor!

Ah. The streets of Paris shall run bright red.

The first part of the prophecy is fulfilled!

Three to go!

Oh!

- Where'd they go? - I don't know.

Oh, no! We're running out of time!

- Think! Where could they have gone? - Let me see.

Uh, streets run red. No kidding.

Black skies. Ditto.

Waters don't flow. What does that mean?

"Ze" Waters of Life. "Ze" Waters of Life. "Ze" fountain in the square.

The day we came to buy it. Remember?

Right! They're gonna try and stop the fountain! Let's go!

Sunglasses! Sunglasses for the big eclipse!

Get your sunglasses, 50 francs!

- Sunglasses for you and the wife? - Won't be necessary.

Sure? Don't want to miss this one. Won't be another like it for 300 years.

- Thanks just the same. - Ok, man. Suit yourself.

Sunglasses! Sunglasses for the big eclipse!

Which way?

I don't know. Ask him!

Pardon moi. Which way to the Waters of Life?

Oh, I'm not positive.

- But... but I've got a hunch. - Thank you!

People of France, hear me!

I am the rightful king!

Igor is a fake!

A charlatan Heston.

- Who's that ringing in the Seine? - Gene Kelly?

No! It's... it's Louis!

Hey, Louis! They're at the Waters of Life! Come on!

We've gotta hurry!

Oh, wow. Pop a pair of Speedos on that guy, he could be in the Olympics.

Come on!

Wait for me!

"Then now not the waters of life... be they cold and dead."

One minute to go. Come, come.

Strawberries!

Sunglasses! Cherries!

"Be azure skies turned black as night unfurled...

Where a weeping virgin stands watch o'er the Underworld."

Wow, it's all coming true.

But, Professor, where are we gonna find a weeping virgin?

Ow!

"When these four things strange occur as one...

Then the true king of France shall return with the sun."

Hey, I'm gonna be king.

- Igor! - Impostor!

People of France, who is this insolent interloper?

- This impostor? Who? - I am "ze" king of France.

- I'm the king of France. - Liar!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah. Ow!

Hey! Hey, you can't do...

Oh, my god! We have a queen!

Yeah!

The queen! We have a queen!

Hear me!

The queen must choose her king! It is written!

- But I do not want a king. - Burn her!

- Burn her! Burn her! - Off with her head!

But who am I to disregard the will of the people?

Marie, you must choose!

Yes. You must choose.

Uh, sorry, Igor. It didn't work. We've been discovered.

I apologize to everyone. This is the true king.

It's Johnny...it's Johnny Weissmuller!

Igor!

My liege!

- Come on, move it! Move it! Move it! - Comin' through!

Let's go, boys. The party's over.

Whoo-hoo! Way to go! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

- Well, old buddy, I guess it's you and me. - Aah!

It's better this way. Heck, she's not my type anyway. Right?

Yeah, she's bad for you.

Yeah. Who am I kiddin'?

Hey, come on. There's still plenty more Europe to see.

- Look. Guatemala's right around the corner. - Ah, Guatemala.

Good-bye, Michael J. Fox.

I will always love you.

But now, I belong to France.

Loyal subjects, today is a great day for France!

Because nothing is more romantic...

More poignant, more profitable "zan" a royal wedding.

Except for a queen...

Who abdicates her throne for "ze" commoner she loves.

Michael!

Michael! Michael!

Michael! Michael!

- Marie! - Oh, Marie.

Look, I have to level with you.

I'm not Michael J. Fox. I'm not a big movie star.

I'm more like a... B movie star.

That's not important now. What's important is I love you!

I love you more than any guy has ever loved a girl in a movie!

And, well, if it comes down to me or the king of France...

Well, that's a tough choice.

Maybe not so difficult as you think, foreign peasant.

Oh, ho!

"Ze" queen is kissing a commoner. She cannot do that.

Royal scandal! Read all about it!

Read about a royal scandal!

And so they all lived happily ever after. What a crock.

- Yeah! - Wipe the sappy smiles off your faces, suckers!

While you were watching the end of this stupid movie...

We paid a little visit to the parking lot.

Anybody like a good deal on a slightly used Blaupunkt?

- I'll be back! - Me too.

Yes, I will! Oh, yeah!

# Attack of the killer tomatoes #

- I'm Viper! - I'm Ketchup!

I just ate FT!

# We'll beat you, bash you squish you, mash you #

# Chew you up for brunch #

# And finish you off for dinner or lunch #

Or maybe a light snack.

Or sliced over breakfast cereal.

Did you bring the dental floss, Ketchup?

# We're marching down the hall #

Here we come.

Two hup, two hup, two. Told ya.

# We're crawling up your walls #

It's not very attractive.

A trail of goo.

# We're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy rotten to the core #

- Speak for yourself. - # We're standing outside your door #

Just outside the door, lady.

- Open up! - Knock, knock!

Oh, forget it. Sing that song you like so much.

No.

# Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer #

# You take one down pass it around #

# Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall #

# Ninety-eight- ninety-seven bottles of ketchup on the wall #

- Ketchup, I got a good one. - What?

# Row, row, row your tomatoes gently down the #

Oh, I liked that. Ok, where were we?

# Ninety-seven bottles of ketchup on the wall #

# Ninety-seven bottles of ketchup on the wall #

# Take one down pass it around #

# You have a bunch of dead tomatoes on the wall #

Forget it.

Hey, this is the end of the movie!

- This isn't in my contract. - Come on, you guys!

- Oh, hurtin'... - Cut it of.

- It's all over. I'm trying to tell 'em. - Hey!

I'm sorry to keep you here, but... turn the thing off.