All language subtitles for The.Whole.Nine.Yards.2000.1080p.BluRay.X264-AMIABLE

I need money.

Yes, it is a lovely morning, isn't it?
Sun is shining, the birds are chirping.

Only dentist I know who
can't make money.

Oh, really? What about her father?

As a dentist,
my husband was very successful.

It was just that other stuff.

Yes. There's a word for that other stuff.
It's called embezzlement.

Speaking of which,
how much do you need, dear?

Five should probably do it.

Thousand? For what?

You know what?
Your father would be proud.

I'll see what I can do.

In the meantime,
you ladies have a lovely day.

I would, if you'd do me a favor and die.

♪ If life is drivin' you to drink ♪

♪ You sittin' 'round and wondering just
What to think ♪

♪ Well, I got some consolation ♪

♪ I'll give it to you, if I might ♪

♪ You know I don't worry 'bout a thing ♪

♪ 'Cause I know nothin's gonna be all right ♪

♪ You know this world is just a-one big
Trouble spot ♪

♪ 'Cause some have plenty and
Some have not ♪

♪ You know I used to be troubled ♪

♪ But I finally saw the light ♪

♪ Now I don't worry 'bout a thing ♪

♪ 'Cause I know nothin's going to be all right ♪

♪ Don't waste your time tryin' to
Be a go-getter ♪

♪ Things'll get worse before they
Get any better ♪

♪ You know there's always somebody ♪

♪ Playin' with dynamite ♪

♪ But I don't worry 'bout a thing ♪

♪ 'Cause I know nothin's going to be all right ♪♪

Excuse me. Are you threatening me?

I didn't think so. Look,

I changed my mind, okay?
Yes, I'll get you your money back.

Morning, doctor.

Okay. Good news, Monsieur Boulez.

Not gonna have to pull the tooth.
All we have to do is drill.

- No drill.
- No drill?

No drill. I hate the drill.

So you just gas me, pull the tooth out,
and we'll still be friends. Okay?

- Good.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I want a hamburger and fries.

- Okay. I'm gonna have a hamburger
- Mm-hm.

with no mayonnaise this time.

- No mayonnaise?
- No mayonnaise. Not at all. Okay?

- She's gonna put mayonnaise on it.
- Do you mind if I say something?

Leave the bitch.

- Excuse me?
- Your wife. Leave her.

Find somebody else
and just start over.

- Jill--
- Oz, I know it's none of my business.

I know I've only been working for you
for three weeks.

But I'm just telling you what I see, mister.
Your wife is not a good person.

- You're expecting an argument?
- Why do you torture yourself?

- Just divorce her.
- I can't afford to.

She'd take me to the cleaners.
I'm already paying her father's debt.

So she's gonna ride it out
till Daddy's debt gets paid.

- She's just charming, isn't she?
- She can't help it. Her mother...

What's a nice way of--?

Her mother is-- She--
Well, she's the Antichrist.

You know, you'd be doing the world
a favor if you'd just have her whacked.

You know somebody who'd do this?

Present company excluded?

- Voilà.
- Merci.

Hypothetically?
Or do you want me to name a price?

Well, you should talk to my wife.
You'd make a fortune.

- What makes you say that?
- Life insurance.

I'm worth more dead than alive.

That one. Good.

Yeah, just dining room.
Take the plastic junk off of there.

Can you move
any slower than this, fellas?

Hi. You must be our new neighbor.

I'm Nicholas Oseransky. Call me Oz.

Jimmy.

- Hi.
- Jimmy Jones.

- Have we met before?
- No.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'd remember.
I got a thing with faces.

That is so weird. You look so familiar.
Where are you from?

Mr. Jones, where do you want this?

Um...

Order! Order!

Um... Upstairs, back bedroom.

What were you saying?

- You all right?
- Yes.

You sure? Because you look
like you got some gas.

Well, I had a hamburger for lunch.

- They put mayonnaise on it?
- Yes.

Can you tell me why they do that?

Every red-blooded American knows
the only condiment

you are ever supposed to put
on a hamburger is ketchup!

Or maybe some of that special sauce
you like so much here in Canada!

Which has a little mayonnaise in it too.

I swear to God, when they slop that
mayonnaise on, I could kill somebody.

I really, really didn't wanna upset you.

Heh. Who's upset?
I'm just having a conversation here.

- I'm gonna go home.
- Okay.

- Feel better.
- Thank you.

- Oz.
- Yes!

Thanks for stopping by,

welcoming me to the neighborhood.

Okay.

Pack up! Pack up! We're leaving!

Jesus!

Jesus! I just bumped
into our new next-door neighbor.

- Any idea who that is?
- I suppose you're going to tell me.

That's Jimmy "the Tulip" Tudeski.

And that means something?

Jimmy the Tulip was a hit man
for the Gogolak gang.

Yes, baby. Yes.

The Gogolak gang. The Hungarian gang
back in Chicago that ran the north side?

That guy, Jimmy, right over there,
was Lazlo Gogolak's key enforcer.

Sexy.

Sophie, the man's killed 17 people.

Why the stupid name?

"The Tulip"?
That's his flower of choice.

It's what he sent
to his victims' funerals.

- I wonder what he's doing here.
- Well, hiding out.

He ratted out Lazlo Gogolak.

Now Lazlo's spending his life in prison.

Jimmy only got five years.

Dave told me
he refused witness protection.

Protection? From...?

I'm sure Lazlo's son, Janni,
wants to put one of those--

You know, the-- A price on his head.

You mean a contract?

A mob contract?

Mm.

- Feeling better?
- Yes, thank you.

Good. Let's go for a drive.

- A drive? Why?
- Yeah, a drive.

Well, I don't know anyone else in town.

I figured we could go for a drive.

You could show me the sights,
you know.

It won't kill you.

Promise?

- So I take it you're not Canadian.
- Only by marriage.

- Where you from?
- Chicago.

Not "Chicago" Chicago.

I was born there, but I don't really know
anything about Chicago anymore.

Okay.

Yeah, totally oblivious
to anything even related to Chicago.

- I'm from Jersey.
- New Jersey?

Yeah. New Jersey.

If you're from Jersey,
you're from Jersey.

Jersey's another place
I know absolutely nothing about.

- You always this nervous?
- Yes.

Like virtually everything else
that's wrong in my life,

- it all started with the little missus.
- Heh.

See, back home, her father and I
ran a dental practice together.

- You're a dentist?
- Afraid so.

- You suicidal?
- See, now, why would you say that?

I once read
that dentists are prone to suicide.

Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life,
but I certainly don't wanna die.

You better get used to it
because you're going to.

I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna strangle you!

Everybody dies.

Sooner or later.

- Tulip?
- No!

So you were saying,
your father-in-law...

Well, ironically, he was a suicide.

Stats don't lie.

- He got caught molesting a patient.
- Ugh.

An underage patient.

- An underage male patient.
- Aw...

- Please, stop.
- I know.

So this kid starts to blackmail him.

This is the exact same time the IRS decides
to investigate him for tax fraud.

So big Aaron needs money, and fast.

So he goes to a--
You know, a loan shark,

takes out a sizable loan against our company,
which I had no idea about.

- And then proceeds to--
- Hit Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno.

Loses all the money
and sticks you with the bill. Am I right?

You are right. That's exactly right.

So, you know, after the ensuing scandal
and bankruptcy and embarrassment,

my wife and her mother decided
it would be best that we move back here.

You like living in Canada?

No, I live here with my wife.

You sure you're a dentist?

- Yeah, why?
- Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

Well, I try to keep things
as painless as possible.

Me too.

Hey.

It's been good.
I'm glad we got to know each other.

You know what? Me too.

- You can go now.
- Great.

- Oz!
- Yes, dear?

Thank God you're home.

- Thank God I'm home?
- I had an idea.

I figured out a way
we can pay off Daddy's debt.

You're getting a job.

- No.
- No.

Our new neighbor.
You said there was a price on his head?

That's your plan?
You're gonna murder our neighbor?

Here's what you're going to do.
You're going to Chicago,

you're going to find out who it is
who's offering this price on his head.

Jimmy Tudeski's head?

Then you're going to tell them
you know where he is

after you negotiate a finder's fee.

A finder's fee on a murder contract.

- Is there a problem?
- Other than the fact

that would make me a party to a murder?

But he's a killer. You said so yourself.

That's another good
reason not to do it. Okay?

He's been to prison,
he's paid his debt to society.

Well, now he can pay our debt too.

All right, look,
I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I spent some time
with the guy today, and he's--

He's pretty nice, you know.

Besides, he hasn't done anything to me.

- He came on to me.
- What?

He came on to me!

- That animal, he made a pass at me!
- When?

Earlier. This morning.
Before you came home.

He sa-- He said
you guys haven't even met.

Who are you going to believe?
A contract killer or your wife?

Do I have to answer that?

- Nicolas!
- Okay, okay.

Let's say that he did
make a pass at you.

The guy's been in prison for five years.
He's desperate.

He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

You pig! You disgust me!

There's a known killer
living right next door

who might slaughter us in our sleep,
and you won't even lift a finger!

That's right. I'm not gonna lift a finger
because this is crazy.

You do this for me...

and I give you your divorce.

Hm? And if you don't do
this for me, I swear

I'll make your life
so damned miserable,

it'll make these past few years
seem like a pleasure cruise.

I already booked your flight.

You leave tomorrow at 9 a.m.

You better start packing.

Ho-ho-hew. Bing! Zoom!

Okay. When are you coming back?

I have to reschedule
all your appointments.

Shouldn't be more than a couple of days.

- Are you going alone?
- Yes.

Good. Can you do me a huge favor
while you're there?

Go out and get laid.

Jill.

Call me the second you get back.

Better yet, call me right after.
Call me during. I want all the details.

Now, don't expect too much.

I'm not even sure I'll be able
to contact these people.

It's not as if the Gogolaks
have a 1-800 number or anything.

I know you'll do what you can.

- What is this?
- Good luck, my darling.

And hurry home.

Do they have vomit bags on the flight?

You're Jimmy Tudeski, aren't you?
Jimmy the Tulip?

Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me, sexy.

But you will never believe
what my darling husband is up to.

You're back in Chicago?

Great. Tell you what, meet me
at Ekins Oyster Bar in 45 minutes.

Dave, you got nothing to worry about.

How can I not worry?

You tell me you're back in Chicago
to rat Tudeski out to Janni--

But I'm not going to rat him out.
You think I'm suicidal?

Well, you are a dentist.

Look, I have no intention
of ratting anybody out, okay?

The only reason I'm here is because I want
Sophie off my back if you wanna know the truth.

All right, look, I've got a deadline.
I'll come by your hotel room

as soon as I'm finished. In the meantime,
promise me you won't do anything stupid.

- Now, why would you even say that?
- You married Sophie, didn't you?

So I'll get the check then?

- I'm sorry. I must have the wrong--
- What room you looking for?

Five-nineteen.

You're in the right place.

You Nicholas Oseransky?

- Who are you?
- We understand you have information

regarding the whereabouts
of Jimmy the Tulip.

- Who told you that? Dave?
- Who's Dave?

What did he tell you?

Forget about Dave.

For our immediate purposes,
there is no Dave.

Dave does not exist.

So just answer my question.

Do you or don't you?

Have information regarding
the whereabouts of Jimmy the Tulip?

- I don't know what you're talking about, man.
- Really?

Then I must have been misinformed.

I apologize.

It's okay.

Now, let's try this again.

We understand

- you have information regarding--
- Who told you that?

Why do you wanna go cluttering
your mind with the inconsequential?

What's important is we know
that you know where Jimmy Tudeski is.

Look, I really have no--

Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

- Would it do any good?
- No.

- Who are you?
- Franklin Figueroa.

A.k.a. Frankie Figs.

I work for Janni Gogolak.

Oh, my God.

So, where's Jimmy?

Look, I sw--

My brother, believe me,
you don't wanna dance with me all night.

And for a scumbag like Jimmy T?

Save yourself the pain.

Look, I really have no--

Oh, no, no, no!

I may know where he is.

Well, all right. But don't tell me.
Let's go tell Janni.

Okay.
You mind if I piss a little blood first?

- Please, by all means.
- Thanks.

My father...

is a great man.

A man of vision and...

character.

A man who stood up for his beliefs.

Unlike that rat-fuck...

piece of shit...

Tudeski.

Can you...

ask Cynthia to join us, please?

- You want a drink?
- Oh, no, thanks.

- Have a drink.
- I'll have a Scotch and soda, please.

I want you to understand,
Frankie explained to me

you're having a problem
with your conscience.

Yes, well, it's just that
none of this was my idea.

You think it was mine? No.

If I had my way, my father

would still be running things
and I'd be somewhere like, uh...

I don't know. Um...

- Aruba.
- Actually, Aruba's not that nice.

- Excuse me?
- You may like it.

See, I honeymooned there,
and that's probably why I didn't like it.

The thing you gotta remember is

when we're talking about Jimmy Tudeski,

we're not talking about a human being.

We're talking about a rodent.

We're talking about...

wermin.

- Where was I?
- Wermin. I think wermin.

We're talking about someone-- Screw that!

Something...

that doesn't deserve to be breathing...

the air.

Janni, talking about yourself again?

Mr. Oseransky...

this is Cynthia.

Jimmy's wife.

- Cynthia, it seems that Mr...
- Doctor.

Excuse me?

Dr. Oseransky. He's a dentist.

Whatever.

It seems that our dentist friend here
knows where Jimmy is.

Oh.

- Come to collect on the contract?
- No.

Janni, just so you know, since I'm the one
that found this guy, I want it.

- The contract's mine.
- Just as long as I'm in on the kill.

So long as I get full price.

I wanna see that spineless rat beg.

Money doesn't matter.

Well, now I've heard everything.
Don't you believe it.

This one? Kill you for a quarter.

Mr. Oseransky,

Frankie will accompany you
back to Canada.

You will lead him to the man
you believe is Jimmy Tudeski.

- But, sir--
- Frankie, you'll let me know?

All right then.

Uh, Mr... Mr. Gogolak.

My wife would make my life
even more miserable

than it already is
if I didn't at least ask.

Is there gonna be any kind
of finder's fee for this?

Finder's fee?

I tell you what.

Tell your wife
we'll work something out.

Cynthia, don't rush off.

We should chat a little.

I'll call you in the morning.
We'll leave first thing.

Doctor. You're not gonna do
anything stupid

- like try leaving me in the lurch, are you?
- No.

- What did you do? Who did you talk to?
- What are you talking about?

- You know a guy named Frankie Figs?
- I know of him.

Yeah, well, when I came back from lunch,
he was sitting in my room.

- Frankie Figs was in your room?
- Yes.

And somehow he knew all about
my knowing where Jimmy is.

- And what did he do?
- After he played congas on my kidneys,

- he took me to see Janni Gogolak.
- Oz, tell me you're kidding me.

Who did you tell?
I wanna know exactly who you told.

- No one, I swear.
- Well, then, how--?

What am I gonna do?

I'll talk to you later. I gotta go.

- Room service.
- Yes, this is Dr. Oseransky in Room 519.

I'm gonna need
a bigger bottle of Scotch.

- Yeah.
- It's me.

Oz. How you doing?

I don't know what to do.

- I've done something terrible.
- Ah, come on. Oz, what could be so terrible?

You've gotta get out of town, get out
of Canada. Just get the hell out.

- I'm in-- I'm in Chicago.
- Yeah, I heard about that.

Have you seen Janni yet?

- How did you know that?
- Heh. Relax.

I know about the whole thing, okay?
Don't worry.

- But--
- I'll explain everything

to you when you get back, okay?

In the meantime,

I want you to have a good time
while you're down there. Live it up.

- No, but what--
- We'll talk when you get back.

If you say so, Jim--

Are you gonna invite me in
or am I going downstairs

and tell Janni's guys
you're being impolite?

Janni's guys are downstairs?

Yes, come in.

I love a man with manners.

Janni sent me to see if you were
on the level. Janni's the trusting type.

So do you or don't you?

Do I or don't I...?

Know where my wayward husband is.

Mrs. Tudeski--

Cynthia. Why be formal with a woman
you're about to widow?

- You don't understand.
- What's not to understand?

You want your 30 pieces of silver, right?
My question is

- why didn't you just do the job?
- Why didn't I--?

Why didn't you kill Jimmy
and try to collect on the contract?

What's the matter?
You didn't have the stomach for it?

Or is your problem
a little further south?

- Have you vomited recently?
- A minute ago.

I was just gonna brush my teeth.

- I'll wait.
- Okay.

Mrs. Tudeski.
Cynthia, none of this was my idea.

You just happened to travel a thousand
miles to rat Jimmy out to Janni.

No. See, that's what I'm trying to say.
It was my wife's plan.

She wanted me to come to Chicago
and rat Jimmy out.

Look, maybe it would be best
for everybody if you went to Janni

and said that I'm crazy, I've gone nuts.
I'm chemically imbalanced.

I'm wacko.

Maybe that would be the best thing.

Because--

Just tell him I'm acting
exactly the way I'm acting right now.

But you do know where Jimmy is,
don't you?

Look, Mrs. Tudeski,
I don't want anybody to die.

And that is on the level.

- What do you want?
- What do I want?

I just want this all to end.

I am so damn scared.

Uh, that's room service.
Before I vomited, I ordered Scotch.

There you go.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

What would you say to a drink?

I'd say no ice, no water, in a tall glass.

What can I say? I was young.

Jimmy was like no man I'd ever met before.

Yeah, well,
he's the first killer I've known.

No one like him at my daddy's
country club. Lousy husband, though.

Cheated on me constantly.

- So why didn't you just...?
- Divorce him?

Jimmy doesn't believe in divorce.
Thinks it's a sin.

I know. A hit man with morals. Go figure.

So now that he's out of prison,

are you guys gonna get back together?

You mean assuming Frankie and Janni
don't kill him first?

No.

Jimmy and I are over.

And even if I wanted to make
another go of it, which I don't,

there'd always be that other thing
between us.

What other thing?

- The fact that he wants to kill me.
- Why?

You're a sweet guy. Money.

- Oh. Are-- Are-- Are you rich?
- The money Lazlo Gogolak gave us

as a wedding present.
Only it wasn't a wedding present.

Lazlo was just parking the money
with us to hide it from the feds.

- How much was it?
- Ten million dollars.

Hell of a parking space.

The only way anyone could get the money
was if Jimmy and Janni and I

all signed for it together.

If you didn't have all three signatures,
you'd need two signatures.

And a death certificate.

- Or one signature and--
- Two death certificates.

That's why Jimmy wants to kill you,
if he kills you...

- Let's not forget about Janni.
- ...then he gets the money. All of it.

The whole nine yards.

What if you just told him
you didn't want the money?

I did tell him. I don't want a dime. But he
knows I don't wanna be married anymore

and he doesn't believe in divorce.

- But murder he's okay with?
- It's what he does.

Well, if it was me,
10 million wouldn't be enough.

So how much would it take
for you to kill your wife?

- I'm talking about you.
- Me then. Your price?

That's what I'm saying. I think
you are the most beautiful thing

I have ever seen in my life,
and I cannot believe I am saying this out loud.

- I'm sure that's just the Scotch talking.
- No, it's me.

I've spent the last seven years of my life
just waiting for something to happen.

I didn't even know what it was.

Until you walked in that room
at Janni Gogolak's house.

I'm sorry. Oh, I've embarrassed you.

- I should go.
- No.

Please.

You're a nice guy,

but I've gotta go.

Let's go.

You know, the night's still young.
You boys in any rush to get back?

Did you mean what you said?

I've got till midnight.

In the meantime...

- Promise me something.
- Anything.

You'll go slow.

- I haven't made love in five years.
- Neither have I.

I've been married.

It's almost time.

Again?

What, did you have oysters for lunch?

Actually, I did.

Jimmy knows I'm here.

- Here with me?
- Here in Chicago.

Talking with Janni.

How? How did he know that?

- Because I told him.
- You what?

He already knew.

- How?
- Well, I'm guessing my darling wife.

- Is she trying to get you killed?
- Apparently.

That's the only thing I can come up with.

But when I talked to Jimmy, he--

- He didn't sound upset.
- No, he wouldn't.

He'd be your best friend
right up until the moment he--

He's gonna kill me, isn't he?

And then, when he's done with that,
he's gonna come after you.

I'm not gonna let that happen.

I'm not gonna let Jimmy kill you.
I'm gonna take Frankie to Canada

- and lead him to Jimmy.
- So Frankie can kill him.

Believe me, if there was any other way,
but better Jimmy than you, right?

But, Oz, don't you get it?
Either way, I'm dead.

- Why? Why?
- As soon as Jimmy's dead,

why would Janni wanna keep me alive?

- He'd wanna kill me too so--
- So he can collect

on the whole $10 million.

Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

I swear, I am not gonna
let anybody kill you.

Under the circumstances, that's probably
the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Thanks. Ahem.

You what?

You told Jimmy?

What the hell did you do that for?

I felt bad. I like him. I liked him.

- So you don't like him no more?
- A little hard to maintain a friendship

- with somebody who wants to kill you.
- If you sold my ass out, then told me about it,

- I'd wanna ice your ass too.
- I know.

- You know, I can close that gap for you.
- Really?

- You'd be in and out. No, not a problem.
- You're kidding.

So did you do it?
Did you do what I told you to do?

No. No, I'm not gonna answer that.

So you did.

- I can tell. You had sex.
- Full-size car, please.

- Who is she? I wanna hear all about it.
- I gotta go.

- Emergencies, I got my beeper on.
- Fine, be that way.

- I don't need no insurance.
- The bitch called.

Said she and her mom
went to Niagara Falls.

Yeah. Probably working on her alibi.
I gotta go.

Why don't you drive back to the hotel
with me?

Unless you'd rather go
home in broad daylight

with Jimmy right next door.

Yeah, I'll go with you.

Frankie Figs.

Jimmy T.

What's going on? What's up, baby?

- How are you?
- What's up? Welcome to Montreal.

- What's up? Good to see you.
- You're looking good.

Oz, you look worried.

- Doesn't he look worried?
- He does.

Why don't you relax?

Come on, Frankie told me
what a standup guy you've been.

Now change your pants.
We're going out.

I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries,
but I'm gonna send this burger back.

And if you put any mayonnaise on it,

I'm gonna chop your legs off,
set your house on fire,

and watch as you drag your bloody stumps
out of your house. Okay, Pierre?

I'm fine.

You're fine?

Let me tell you something, Oz.
You are not fine.

You know your wife wants you dead.

That much I've figured out.

And you should know
because I'm not the first one she came to.

- The first?
- Hitter.

- There were others?
- At least one.

Apparently, that fell through,
so she came to me.

Um...

What did you tell her?

You mean, did I take the contract?

No. I didn't take the contract.

- How much did she offer you?
- Ten grand.

No wonder you turned her down.
Ha-ha-ha.

But you did turn her down.

Even though I went to Janni?

You didn't go to Janni.

Jimmy sent me to come to you.

And I know that Frankie
can be very persuasive.

- By the way, how's your urination?
- Oh, fine. Thank you.

So why did you want me
to go see Janni?

- So you could tell him where I was.
- So he'd come here and you could kill him?

Exacto.

By the way, I'd be happy to do your wife.

- Do my wife?
- Tap her.

- Tap her? Whack her. Oh.
- Whack her.

Oh, see, I thought you meant, you know:

Because she told me
that you, you know, hit on her.

- That's funny.
- Whoo!

Why is that funny?

No, I--

I actually wasn't gonna tell you this,
but the truth is, your wife came on to me.

- And?
- Oz, we're friends.

Friends do not engage
in sexual congress

with each other's wives.

Mm.

Besides, I don't find your wife
particularly that attractive.

- You just got out of prison.
- Yeah.

Been in prison for five years
and don't find my wife attractive?

She's not a good person.

You've killed 17 people, and you
don't think my wife is a good person?

It's not important
how many people I've killed.

What's important is how I get along
with the people that are still alive.

- You gonna finish this?
- Just take it.

Whoo!

I think we've given it long enough.

Give Janni a call.
The sooner he gets here, the better.

So after you kill Janni,
you're gonna go back to Chicago?

No, I'm done with Chicago.

What about your wife?
You're gonna get back together with her?

You're gonna kill her too?

For a hell of a lot more than $10,000.

- Well, you can't do that.
- Why not?

Because she's your wife.

- Damn.
- You were right about him.

This is one exceedingly sweet man.

Wife like he got
and still believes in wedding vows.

So do I. Especially till death do us part.

Oh, God. It's my beeper.
I-- I gotta go to the office.

Well, wedding vows or not...

I'd watch my back.

I'd say your wife's still shopping
for a hitter.

Good luck.

On second thought, Mr. Tourette,
I think we're gonna have to pull the tooth.

Hm?

Oz, what is it? What's the matter?

Eh...

No, Oz. No, no. Oz, I'll take that. Oz.

- I am your friend. Talk to me.
- Well, I have to talk to somebody

- because I'm just-- Gonna just--
- Take your time.

That's good.

Well, first of all, I just found out
that my wife is trying to have me killed.

- Who told you?
- A friend.

- Anyone I know?
- Oh, he's my next-door neighbor.

And here's the funny part.
He's a hit man too. Ha-ha-ha!

Really? What's his name?

Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.

Jimmy the Tulip?

Jimmy the Tulip lives next to you
and you know him?

Oz, can you introduce me to him?

Jill. The man is a professional killer.

You don't understand.
I've been wanting to meet this guy.

Please, Oz. Come on.

Oh! Oz.

Quick, come on.

- What's this, Oz?
- I don't know.

It is you.

Mr. Tudeski, you don't understand.

I'm one of your biggest fans. I've been
following your career since I was a kid.

You're the reason
I'm trying to get into the business.

- What business would that be?
- Contract killing. It's what I wanna do.

And if I could just have one afternoon,
I know I could learn so much from you.

So come in.

You too.

- What's all this?
- You know this girl?

- She's my assistant.
- You know she was a hitter?

Actually, I'm still a virgin.
I haven't killed anyone yet.

Professionally.

- Oz was supposed to be first.
- Excuse me?

- His wife hired me.
- That was you?

I was supposed to make it an accident,
work for him so I familiarize myself

- with his habits, know him.
- Smart.

Thanks. But then after I got to know him,
I started to like him.

- First mistake.
- I know.

You should get close,
but not too close.

- Go pour yourself a martini.
- It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

Don't give yourself too hard a time.
Got your career ahead of you.

I remember when I was starting out.
I hadn't really done that much.

Done a couple things, saw some money,
having fun. I was doing something I liked.

Then I was recruited by Lazlo Gogolak,

and first thing he wanted me to do
was whack out one of his cousins.

- Is this the Stanley Posilansky incident?
- Yeah.

Anyway, Lazlo doesn't want it
to look like a hit, right?

So, now, I've gotta get close to Stanley,
who was this really charming, cute,

funny little guy, very weird sense of humor,
made me laugh.

I really liked him as a person.
You know what I mean?

You got too close.

Yeah, I got too close.

- Hm.
- Moment of truth comes...

- Choked.
- Him?

Me. I choked.

Couldn't do it. I actually--

Ha-ha-ha. I-- I told him
I was there to kill him.

Can you believe that? I said,
"Run, Stanley, run. Go, go. Run. Hide.

Off you go."

We shake hands, part as friends,
turn around and walk away.

This little weasel shoots me
in the back

and the bullet comes out right here.

- So, what did you do?
- I-- I didn't really like Stanley after that.

He took a really, really long time to die.

And this scar is a reminder.

Never get too close.

Can...?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Not to interrupt or anything,
but you were gonna kill me?

That was the plan?

- What are you doing tonight?
- No plans.

Wanna help us out?
Me and Frankie Figs?

Wait. Are you offering me a job?

Only if you're interested.

It would be an honor. It would be, like,
a dream come true. Who's the mark?

Janni Gogo.

Janni Gogo?

Wow. Wow!

Feel my arm. Goose bumps.

Phone!

Your phone scared me.

There it is again.

- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

Yeah? Frankie.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Okay, good. See you soon.

- Good news?
- Great news.

Apparently, Janni Gogo is on his way up
here and he's bringing my wife with him.

- Your wife?
- Your wi--? He's go--?

- Why?
- Janni figures he'll take care of her

- when he takes care of me.
- So, what are you gonna do? Save her?

No. I want her dead too.

- Really?
- Yeah. You got a problem with that?

- Why would I? It's not like I know her.
- I can't believe you people.

You are calmly talking about the murder
of a beautiful innocent woman

whose only crime
is that she married you, Jimmy.

So you know what?
Not gonna listen to this anymore.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna--

Does this slide? Wha--?

Answer that.

That's my phone, thank you.

Hello?

- Well, who was it?
- They hung up.

Expecting a call?

Explain to me
how that's any of your business.

Get her bag.

Plane's waiting and I'm not.

Oh, my God.

You don't like the Walther?

You go what you're comfortable with.

- It's what James Bond uses.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Still, I like to buy American.

Is there any way I can stop you
from doing this?

Oz, will you relax?
I promise you no one is gonna know

- you had anything to do.
- That's not the point.

- What is the point?
- You're still gonna kill your wife.

Well?

Yeah.

I've got a very good reason
to kill my wife.

About 10 million very good reasons
to kill my wife.

Okay, well, uh, what if I said no?

You know, what if I said
I wasn't gonna let you do it?

Oh!

You know, you are
the most chivalrous guy I've ever met.

- Do you see why I couldn't kill him?
- I love him.

Oz, come on.

Relax. Come on over here,
sit down in your favorite chair,

have another martini.

Listen to me.

Tonight is gonna happen
whether you want it to or not.

And you're gonna help.

Me? Help?

Yeah. You help. You're gonna help.

You're gonna go with Frankie
to meet Janni,

because if not, Janni will get suspicious,
get back on the plane

- and fly to Chicago, we don't want that.
- Jimmy--

Oz...

this is the way it's gotta be, okay?

And...

I'm telling you this like a friend
because if you--

If you screw this up, I would hate to--

I would really hate to have to kill you.

I would hate it.
I hate it more than mayonnaise.

- You know how I hate mayonnaise.
- I do.

And besides, trust me,
you want Janni Gogolak dead.

No. You're wrong.
I don't want anybody dead.

If we don't make Janni Gogolak dead,
he's gonna make you dead.

Gogolaks do not like to leave witnesses.

Oh, so, now, we--

Damn it, Jimmy. Why the hell did you
have to go and move in next door to me?

Oz, do you know what kind of soil
they have in this backyard?

- Been here two days. I got a tomato plant--
- Oh, my God.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Ugh. Ugh.

- Hey, why did you stop?
- You doing it tonight?

Tonight, whenever, go. Kick it into gear.

- For 10,000?
- Wait a minute.

- You said we were doing this for 15.
- I changed my mind.

But if you think I should go
and find somebody else--

No, no, no.

Listen, why don't we make it, uh... 12,500?

I can live with 12,500.
As long as my husband doesn't.

He won't.

I promise.

- Oh, you must be--
- Jill St. Claire.

And can I just say, Mr. Figueroa,
that I think the job you did on Kevin Vincent,

that and the Ronald Abramson hit,
they were both just--

They were-- They're works of art.

- Well, I see you've done your homework.
- Well, I keep a scrapbook.

Frankie.

- What's up, man?
- Honey, why don't you go get Oz?

We'll run through,
make sure we know what we're doing.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- She's a cute kid.
- Got definite potential.

Ow!

Time to rock 'n' roll.

You know, I got this same car.

- Really?
- No.

All right, nobody move.

Everybody quiet.

God, I'm gonna love this.

So, uh... now what?

Now we wait until...

he's asleep.

Okay.

Sweet dreams, Jimmy.

Let's get started.

We got company.

Anybody we know?

Oz's wife and some guy.

Probably your replacement. The new hitter.

Well, there's nothing we can do
about it now.

- Keep an eye on them.
- Okay.

Love those pants on you.

So, what is he, a bad guy, your husband?

No.

Actually, everyone seems to like him.

Which might be the thing
I hate most about him.

- Let's go over this one more time--
- What the hell for?

I just wanna make sure
we got everything right.

Any particular way
you want him to die?

What do I care?

I'm out of the country,
shopping for my funeral dress. Heh, heh.

Dentist, get the blinds.

Today.

Oh, God. Of all the times--

- You're married?
- Yes.

Does your wife have any, um...?

Feminine products.

Uh, yes, she does. They're right through
there. I'll show you where they are.

Don't be long.

- "Don't blong"?
- Don't be long.

Gotcha.

You make a noise, he gets out of bed
to see what the problem is,

and you make him dead, okay?
You understand me?

The dead part?

Ransack the house so it looks like a burglary,
get your ass back in this car,

and we drive
like hell back to Niagara Falls.

Where you're gonna pay me
my other $5000.

My mother's there waiting with it.

Wait. Your mother, she knows about this?

My mother wants this to happen
as much as I do.

And I really, really want this to happen.

- They're gonna kill you. What?
- They're gonna kill you. What?

When they're done with Jimmy, Janni will
come after you. I came so I can warn you.

Oh, that is--

Janni's not gonna kill anyone.
Jimmy's waiting for them.

Jimmy and Frankie are in, you know--

- Cahoots.
- Right.

- Are you cahooting?
- I had to pretend I was cahooting.

But, listen, I have a plan.

It's time. You two stay here.

Hey, you know these guys?

No.

- Hey.
- Who is that?

- Is that Janni Gogolak?
- From the Gogolak gang.

It might be. The guy they called
Jimmy the Tulip lives next door.

Jimmy the Tulip? Damn!
This is a hit. Stay right here!

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

You smell great.

Shoot!

All right, you got a gun now.
You gonna use it or not?

Kill him, major.

Yeah, kill him, major. Ha, ha.

Show him
how you're not afraid to die.

Shoot!

Looks like you don't want it enough,
what you want.

He laughs when something's
funny for a change.

One Rocco more or less
isn't worth dying for.

Hi. Are you guys looking for someone?

- Oh.
- Heh.

- Hi, Janni.
- Ugh.

Watch your head.

This whole sneaking-into-the-house thing
to try to kill me?

You guys are really good.
You're really-- Ha-ha-ha. Bye, Janni.

What's going on?

Oz took off with your wife
and Sophie's hitter is outside.

All right, I'll take care of it.

You should get dressed.

You know what?
Better yet, stay just like that.

In 60 seconds,
stick your head out that window.

Hey.

Nice work.

- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Will we see you again, Frank?

- I hope so.
- Be right back.

You know, I can't think of nothing finer
than a fine naked woman holding a gun.

And you just all kinds of fine, ain't you?

Don't get any ideas.

Seriously sweet ass.

Can I help you?

Now you can get dressed.

Okay.

Here we go. Where do you want this?

- Just put it over there.
- All right.

What was Oz doing
going off with my wife?

- I can beep him. You can ask him.
- Beep him.

Now, ain't this some shit?

Maybe he won't come after us, you know?
Maybe he'll just let us go.

Okay, maybe I can talk to him,
reason with him.

We're friends now, right?

That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

I don't wanna know
what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

Ah!

It's your beeper.

I know.

It's Jimmy.

Jimmy, it's me.

Oz, what the hell were you thinking,
taking off with Cynthia like that?

I'm sorry, but I can't let you kill her.

What do you mean?
That's got nothing to do with you.

I'm in love with her.

Look, I don't--

- What did you just say?
- I love her.

Will-- Will you listen to yourself?
You love her? You just met her.

- He said he's in love with Cynthia.
- No shit.

- So she's the one.
- The one what?

- The one he schtupped in Chicago.
- The one he--?

My wife.

You schtupped my wife, Oz?

I wouldn't exactly necessarily phrase it
that way, exactly.

Let me get this straight.

You went to Chicago and engaged
in sexual congress with my wife?

Is that what you're telling me?
Is that it? Is that what you--?

- Jimmy, calm down.
- I swear to God!

He's a little upset.

- I've managed to upset a mass murderer.
- Tell me where you are!

Find out where he is!
Just stay right there!

- Squeeze.
- Oz, you stud, you.

Gonna be a dead stud.

Tell Jimmy I might have thought
of a way out of this.

I know you guys got spare bodies
lying around.

Yeah, one of them is a cop.

- What's he saying?
- Uh-huh.

What's he saying?

Tell him to stay where he is,
I'll be right there.

Okay, so that sounds great.

I'm gonna run it by the boys,
and I'll beep you right back. Bye.

Jimmy, when's the last time
you went to the dentist?

You really meant it, didn't you?

What you said.

About what? Loving you? Of course,
what did you think this was all about?

Sex.

- I mean, great sex, but--
- It was pretty good.

Is that all this has meant to you?

Don't get me wrong, Oz.
I like you a lot.

Well, that's great to hear,
but I've got news for you.

I don't go around risking my life
for people that just like me.

Well, I do like you.

But...

Then again, who knows? Maybe--

Maybe this feeling I've been having
in the pit of my stomach...

maybe it's love.

Ah!

It's your beeper.

I know.

- Yeah?
- It's me.

I'll tell you one thing, you got balls.

Yeah, who knew?

Jill told me your idea.

And, uh...

I think it's worth a try.

- Jimmy, thank you.
- But just so you know...

I am disappointed, Oz.

I am extremely disappointed with you.

You're the last person
I would ever want to disappoint,

but everything I did was for love.

Yeah, whatever.

See you at your office.

Okay, give me an hour.

Oh, and don't forget the corpse.

Monsieur Boulez, remember to floss.

Stay on the boat. Take this.

If you don't hear from me in two hours, just go.
Disappear, leave the country.

Oz.

Be careful.

I'm Mr. Careful.

Oz, I just wanted
to make sure it was you.

Everybody's inside.

By the way, huevos grandes, amigo.

The great and powerful Oz.

Why don't we get started?

So far, so good.

Shit.

- Is he up?
- Yeah, got him.

Okay. Now let's see if he stays.

All right. Frankie, duct tape.

We did it.

Yeah, I think we're good.

- Barbecue?
- Barbecue.

Turned out to be a nice night tonight.

I'll be right back.

- Who's this remind you of?
- Old Charlie.

- All right.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Okay.

Doctor? These men need to see you.

Excuse me.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Dr. Oseransky,
I'm Sergeant Buchanan.

This is Officer Morrissey.

Yes, well, what can I do for you?

Are you the owner
of a brown Toyota Corolla

license number ZSJ-959?

Yes, is there a problem?

Do you know where your vehicle is, sir?

- I lent it to my neighbor. He went fishing.
- This neighbor, he got a name?

Jimmy Jones.

Would you mind taking us
to his place of residence?

Your car was found by the grain silo
at the old port.

Two bodies were inside of it.
There'd been a fire.

- Oh, my God.
- The extent of the burns

made any normal identification impossible.

Dental impressions were taken.

From the records, we were able
to establish that the bodies

were those of one Janni Pytor Gogolak
and James Stefan Tudeski.

Both of them were big shots
in a Chicago crime syndicate.

Mm-hm.

- And you think this James...
- Tudeski.

Is the Jimmy I know?

Well, that's what we intend to find out.

Isn't that Hanson's car?

- Go have a look.
- Uh-huh.

Who's, uh--? Who's Hanson?

One of our men.

He was on an undercover assignment.

There was some concern earlier because
he failed to check in this morning.

Your mother, she knows about this?

My mother wants this to
happen as much as I do.

And I really, really want this to happen.

It's Hanson's car all right,
but no sign of Hanson.

- But I found a tape.
- Tsk, tsk.

Dr. Oseransky, could you tell us
where your wife might be?

My wife? She's in Niagara Falls
with her mother. Why?

Dr. Oseransky,
I don't know how to tell you this,

but it seems that your wife
tried to hire a hit man to kill you.

A hit man?

Oh, my God.

There's no smoking in here.

So where is he, Mrs. Oseransky?

- Questions for you, better have answers.
- Hi, Mom.

You can ask me questions,
but until I speak to my attorney--

You spoke to your attorney.
He doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

Special Agent Hanson, Mrs. Oseransky.
What did you do to him?

Wasn't me.

We have your voice on tape,
his written reports.

We know you tried to hire him
to kill your husband. So, what happened?

He tried to back out?

He tried to back out and you killed him.

None of this would've happened
if that girl had done her job.

- What girl?
- Jill. My husband's receptionist.

Oh, yeah?
Was she a contract killer too?

Yes. I hired her.

She's the killer.

This would be sad
if it wasn't so pathetic.

Do you wanna talk to her?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Hm. I don't blame you.

You guys know a good divorce lawyer?

She did it. She's a killer.
You've got to believe me.

- I got all the I's dotted, all the T's crossed.
- Jimmy's got his own way of spelling.

I'll take care of Jimmy.
You're never gonna see him again.

While you and Jill are at the bank,
Jimmy and I will be at the museum.

- Jimmy at a fine-art museum?
- There's people at a fine-art museum.

He's not gonna try anything.

All right, if you say so.

Where's Cynthia?

You and I are leaving.

I'll beep Cynthia. She'll get in touch
with you and tell you where to go.

Listen to him, Mr. Cloak and Dagger.

- I'm being careful. I'm a dentist.
- Yeah.

You boys play nice now.

Take us to the art museum.

You really think if Cynthia doesn't come through,
you'll be safer at the museum?

Hello?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hope there was nothing special you wanted
to see at the museum today.

- Why?
- We're not going to the art museum.

We're going to the marina.

- The marina?
- Yeah.

I rented a boat for the day.
Isn't that right, Frankie?

See?

I'm careful too.

You're Jill?

Nice to meet you.

- Where's your gun?
- What makes you think I have a gun?

Throw it in.

Do you have the certificates?

Let's go banking.

Everything seems to be in order.

- Where would you like the money sent?
- To a bank in the Caymans. Account--

- Can we just have a minute, please?
- Certainly.

- Thanks.
- I'll be right over there.

We could just walk away, you know.

You and me. With the whole 10 million.

So, what do you think?

I think...

I know that if we did,
Jimmy would kill Oz.

So what?

You're a lucky guy, Oz.

Why would you say that?

You're about to find out
if the woman you love really loves you.

Want a beer?

If it was me, if I was in her position,
I'd just take the money and run.

What are you betting on?

I'm betting on love.

Love for you means money for me.

And like I said before,
I'd really hate to have to kill you.

- So, when are you gonna do it?
- Let's make sure we got the money first.

But you are intending to kill him?

Jimmy, listen, he was there.

He was there
when you killed Janni and a cop.

Now, I know you like this guy.

Yeah, I do.

But he's got to go.

- And if you ain't prepared to do it, then--
- Hey, hey, Frankie.

Let's not forget who
you're talking to, okay?

Jimmy Tudeski may be dead,

but he ain't exactly dead. You understand?

Glad to hear it.

Just drive the boat.

Think about it, Cynthia.
We're talking about $5 million apiece here.

Is Oz worth that much to you?

The thing is, is, um....

- I think I love him.
- You think?

You think? Sweetheart, for $5 million,
you better be damn certain.

I am.

I'm sorry, but I-- I love him.

- You do?
- Yeah.

That's the right answer.
Yo! Guy, you can come back now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

We got the money.

Bye-bye, Oz.

But--

Sorry, Frankie.

I always liked you.

Wh-- Why-- Why did you kill him?

Well, I had to kill one of you.

Well, then you definitely made
the right decision.

But why did you have to kill him?

Well, if I didn't kill you,
Frankie would have.

And...

he would have thought that I'd gone soft,

eventually come after me and the money.

So...

what about me?

I want the bulk of the money
to be put into this account.

I also want $1 million
to be placed in this account

under the name of Dr. Nicholas
and Mrs. Cynthia Oseransky.

- One million.
- What?

An early wedding present from Jimmy.

Not that Jimmy.

Can we have another minute?

- Certainly. I'll just--
- Thanks.

- Is this for real?
- Yes, in order to get the money,

show up together and show them
a copy of a validated marriage certificate.

Jimmy's giving me a divorce?

Don't you read the papers, lady?
Jimmy Tudeski's dead.

Oh...

- I don't know what to say.
- When the time comes, just say "I do."

Yo.

Maybe I am going soft.
In the old days, I would have definitely killed you.

Ah, don't be so hard on yourself.

Or...

I don't know.

Maybe I have changed since my death.

I don't think that's what it is.

What do you mean?

You love her, don't you?

Cynthia?

Hi, Oz. Cynthia's waiting for you.
She said you'd know where.

Say hi to my widow for me, will you?

Take care of yourself.

Marry me.

Jimmy told you.

What?

He didn't, did he?

You just want to marry me?

No.

No, I don't just want to marry you.

I want to marry you more
than anyone's wanted to marry anyone.

Then would I be out of line
if I told you...

that I loved you?

And said, yes?

I would love to marry you.

So you wouldn't mind spending
the rest of your life with a poor dentist?

Something tells me we'll get by.

♪ They all laughed at Christopher Columbus
when he said the world was round ♪

♪ They all laughed when Edison recorded sound ♪

♪ They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother
when they said that man could fly ♪

♪ They told Marconi wireless was a phony,
It's the same old cry ♪

♪ They laughed at me wanting you
Said I was reaching for the moon ♪

♪ But, ooh, you came through,
Now they'll have to change their tune ♪

♪ They all said we never could be happy,
They laughed at us and how ♪

♪ But ho, ho, ho
Who's got the last laugh now? ♪

♪ They all laughed
At Rockefeller Center ♪

♪ Now they're fighting to get in ♪

♪ They all laughed at Whitney
And his cotton gin ♪

♪ They all laughed at Fulton
And his steamboat ♪

♪ Hershey and his chocolate bar ♪

♪ Ford and his Lizzie
Kept the laughers busy ♪

♪ That's how people are ♪

♪ They laughed at me wanting you ♪

♪ Say it'll be hello, goodbye ♪

♪ And, hoo, you came through ♪

♪ Now they're eating humble pie ♪

♪ They all said we'd never get together ♪

♪ Darling, let's take a bow ♪

♪ For ho, ho, ho
Who's got the last laugh now? ♪

♪ They laughed at me wanting you ♪

♪ Said it would be hello, goodbye ♪

♪ But, hoo, you came through ♪

♪ Now they're eating humble pie ♪

♪ They all said we'd never get together ♪

♪ Darling, let's take a bow ♪

♪ For ho, ho, ho
Who's got the last laugh? ♪

♪ Hee, hee, hee, let's have the best laugh ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha
Who's got the last laugh now? ♪♪