Original subtitles

- Paul, good to see you. - Hello, Malcolm.

Congratulations. In you come.

You would be sitting at the top table.

Fantastic. The Department of Energy and Climate Change as well.

That's more important than Defence, in a way.

If we haven't got a planet left, we can't blow the fucker up, can we?

- Ed! - Yes?

- Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? - Yes, we've put in a lot of calls.

Well, put in a lot more calls. I'm talking psycho ex-girlfriend

with a really good tariff.

NICOLA: Fuck, right. Uh...

Ooh, Malcolm Tucker is on his way in. It's all suddenly very real.

A-ha.

Should I have read this... Should I have gone through...

Oh, no, don't worry about that. That's, uh...

That is purely ornamental, much like Glenn's balls.

Malcolm must be hating this, all these bright, fresh new ministers

- to blood in. - Yeah, I suppose so.

He's gonna have to let her to go free-range for a week, isn't he?

Till after the by-election.

Then he can snap her beak off,

cram her into the battery cage.

Nicola, "I'm not very good with cages."

(IMITATING MALCOLM) "Get in there, Nicola,

"Fucking get in till you're perfectly square

"and you're shiteing cuboid eggs."

Thank God I'm safe.

I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.

Yeah. Well, you don't have to worry about me.

You don't hang around in this business as long as I have

without picking up contacts.

Yes. But Disraeli's dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea.

Did you not hear the town crier announce it?

Yeah. Jim?

Hi, Terri. Do you mind if I just...

- Hi, Robyn. ...sit here?

Well, I'm having a working lunch, actually.

I've just got a few things I need to sort out.

A couple of briefings and so on.

- I'll just sit here and eat my crisps. - Just keep it quiet,

if you know what I mean.

So, how's it going? How's the new girl?

She's not a girl, is she? She's never going to see 40 again.

Well, how old is she? She's one of those women, isn't she,

- that doesn't really look her age? - Yeah, well, how do you know

that she doesn't look her age if you don't actually know

- what age she is? - Well, how old is she, then?

- You issued the press release. - Yeah, I don't know.

She's forty... three? Something, something like 43.

Anyway, whatever age she is,

very soon she's going to look like a haggard old woman.

- How many ministers have you had? - I've had five.

I've had five ministers. It's a box set, really, isn't it?

I mean, I am working in the village of Midsomer

and I am John Nettles.

Oh! God, I wish you were John Nettles.

You like to watch programmes about death, do you, Robyn?

Well, I like a bit of murder.

Mmm, well, you work in the right place.

- Lf she lasts nine weeks... - Mmm?

...I'll gain 48 pounds. - Yeah, in weight?

- No! - You've actually got a sweepstake

running on which week she's going to get sacked?

Yeah, well, I'm not running it. Henry is.

You're putting the value of a professional career

of a Secretary of State at ?48?

I thought it was quite a lot, actually.

Maybe it is.

I think I'd better go and have a quick word with... Who?

- Dave? - Henry.

- Henry. - No, you'll be wasting your time, Terri.

I think you'll find the first 24 weeks have already gone.

There is no coverage here. I can't... There's nothing.

I've got one bar. It's a one-bar town.

Like a Western. Backwaters of Leamington.

You know I grew up round here, do you?

Well, they wouldn't have had mobile phones then, so...

- (MOBILE BEEPS) - Malcolm.

- (NINTENDO DS BEEPING) - TERRl: It's a very childish sound.

- Beepity-beep, bop, boppity... - What is 19 plus 37?

I don't know what you're doing playing children's games and...

It's not a children's game.

Why don't you just, you know, go back to school?

I mean, you could start at the bottom and work it all through again.

That would train your brain.

I reckon Nicola would make a really good primary school headteacher, don't you?

- Something like that? - I mean, she's certainly bossy enough.

Do you... Do you remember that woman who came last week?

The one who did the homophobia in the workplace training?

Well, Nicola really, really reminds me of her.

- Yeah, but she was much taller. - Mmm.

You know, the point is why does Nicola do this job?

- I mean, why DoSAC? - Mmm.

It's like working for, you know, a charity, a really rubbish charity

- that everybody hates. - Mmm.

So why do they do it?

- Don't know. - It can't be for the power.

- Mmm. - I mean, 'cause they don't really

have any, do they?

And it certainly can't be for the money

because even graphic designers earn more than they do.

- Mmm. - People don't hate them.

You know, even the ones who turn out to be pricks

and are married.

Listen, sweetheart, I'm going to just hand you over

to a really funny, silly man.

- Hang on, hang on. - So you talk to the silly man

and then I'll be right back.

- Talk to Josh. - Okay. Josh, dude, how's it hanging?

- He's five. - Um, how... How are you?

Malcolm.

- Did you hang up on my son? - No, no. No, he hung up on me.

- He said he was bored of me. - Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Right.

- Something terrible has happened. - I was thinking not to tell anybody.

Just sit on it, really. Stop it growing.

- Zap it like a tumour. - Thank you.

Malcolm's on his way over.

If this has got any bigger,

you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.

- Does he know? - I don't think so.

- Do you want me to go and ask? - ALL: No, no, don't!

All right.

Two minutes and I will be back.

That's it. He knows.

- Do you want me to follow him again? - Yes. Yes. No, yes.

I'm Secretary of State. Yes, yes.

Do you know, Malcolm?

Uh, the best way to clear a paper jam?

- Malcolm, do you know... - Obviously he knows.

No, he doesn't know.

Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck.