All language subtitles for Swung.2015.BRRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I'm getting wet.
Really wet.

My nipples are erect,
throbbing.

I have his earlobe
between my teeth.

Um...

And now you, David.

What are you doing
to Alice?

I have one hand
on her bottom

a-and, uh...

I'm playing
with myself.

On a scale of one to ten,

what angle would you say
your erection was at this point?

7.5?

Although
erectile dysfunction, or ED,

is primarily
of organic and vascular cause,

psychological factors
play a role in most cases.

ED has been shown to compromise
overall quality of life,

and it's associated with depression,
anxiety, and loss of self-esteem.

Treatments vary from oral agents
to entering urethral suppositories,

and another more drastic option
is a penile implant.

An incision is made where
the penis and the scrotum join.

An opening into one of the
erection chambers is made

and sutures are placed.

A special inserter
is used

to draw the cylinder out
of the shaft of the penis.

A pocket is made
for the pump.

The pump is placed
deep in the scrotum.

Fuck.

Do you think they're
moving out 'cause Joan's pregnant?

Well, that's
the way things go.

Marriage. Kid. Kaboom.

The poor little thing.

I was thinking,
if I lose my job,

we should move on
a starter garden.

But not like the hippies.

For profit, like in LA.

We rent a little cottage,

and then you and me grow
carrots and leeks and potatoes.

You know, I could probably
draw you a carrot,

but I don't think
I could grow you one.

I'm sure you could
grow me a carrot.

Ooh.

You're so tense.
Your neck's like a fist.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

- That good?
- Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh!

My goodness.

What's this?

David Johnston...

you have...

a 7.5.

Well, let's get
this thing

into therapy.

Whoo!

Yes.

Don't think or talk,
or it won't work. Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Just relax.
You're doing just great.

I'm getting really hot.

Stop.

You're not feeling dizzy,
are you?

A little, yeah.
Kinda...

Jesus.

Promise
you won't be angry.

It's not your fault,
baby.

I crushed some special pills
into your ice cream.

What?

That's what
the blue bits were.

- How many did you use?
- Just a couple.

It's gone totally numb.

Can't feel a thing.

It was meant
to be romantic.

Fuck.
It's like Robo-cock.

Don't you want to
make love to me?

No.

I don't.

I didn't mean that.

Of course I want to
make love to you, but...

I feel like I'm gonna
have a heart attack.

I'm sorry.

Welcome to
the Career Help Shop,

part of the Department
for Employment.

We're experiencing an unexpected
volume of calls today.

Your call is in a queue
and will be answered shortly.

Why not brush up on
your interview technique

with our handy list of dos
and don'ts available online.

Thank you for waiting.

Career Help Shop.

We're here to help you
help yourself.

A person. Um, hi.

I made a claim for unemployment
benefit eight weeks ago...

Thank you for waiting. Alternatively,
you may wish to call back later.

For God's sake.

Oh! Yes! Yes! Oh! Yes!

Hello. You're speaking
to Chantelle.

Can I take your national
insurance number, please?

Hello?

Oh, God.
Um, yeah, hi, I...

Fuck!

Hello.

- Ah. Dan. How are you doing?
- How's it all going?

If you know anyone in the market for the CEO
of a bankrupt design company, I'm your man.

Here it is.

Fuckin' awards.

Who's the girl?

Alice.

I did a big project for a
magazine she worked for and...

we just kind of hit it off.

That's good.
Moving on already.

For you.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Daddy, Daddy, did you bring Tumshey?

Yeah. Just let me get inside first.

Ten to 6:00, David.

Yeah, I know.
I got held up.

I was...
I was held up.

How's the job hunt
coming along?

Good. Yeah.
The, uh, CVs are out.

Search continues.

How are your parents?
I sent them a check towards the mortgage.

Look, just have her back
for 6:30.

Don't let her go down the slide.
She'll only get filthy. Okay?

Bye.

- We're going out for dinner. Bye, darlin'.
- Bye.

Bye.

Shall we
go down the slide?

Mummy says no slide.

Well, Mummy's not here,
is she, eh?

You little rascal!

Come on.

Let's go on the slide.

As you know,
the redundancies reflect our sales.

We're down 34 percent.

About 14 percent worse
than most of our competitors.

We need real-life,
cutting-edge human interest stories.

Stories with a universal twist
that we can sell internationally.

Without syndication,
this magazine will be pulled.

First round of pitches
will be Monday morning.

Hey, Daddy-o.

You wouldn't believe
the shit today.

You here?

Okay. Give Daddy a kiss. Mwah.

Say bye to Daddy.
Good girl.

- Come on, then.
- Okay. In you go.

- Come on, darling. Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy!

- Bye-bye.
- I want Daddy! I want Daddy!

- Bye, Daddy! You'll see Daddy soon, darling.
- I want my dad!

Amy?

Let's get ready for dinner. Do you
want to wear your new dress, darling?

Hey-ho, mi amor.
I'm home.

What's up?

Here was me thinking you'd been
sitting here for the last two months

sending out your CV.

What are you
talking about?

"They're both
orally and anally bi."

What does that even mean?

I'm not really sure
how that happened.

- Look, I was bored and one thing led to another...
- I'm boring?

- I didn't say that.
- Or ugly? Or fucking what?

Don't be ridiculous.

Why are you laughing at me?

I'm not.

You could have at least
said something.

I might have actually let you fuck total
strangers if it helped with "our problem."

I don't want to fuck
total strangers.

I was on hold to the job center.
It was something to do.

I'm sorry.

- Where are you going?
- To meet some normal people.

Alice,
I didn't do anything.

Do the washing up!

Hey, Daddy-o.

You sleeping?

Yeah.

You know, normal people
are so weird.

Go to sleep, Alice.

Mmm.

You're so soft
and warm.

Alice...

I'm gonna
tell you a story...

Mr. Diggler.

It's story time.

They were kissing.

And she put her hand
on his knee,

stroked his thigh.

Want me to tell you?

Okay.

They started French-kissing.

Joan and Tom
went into the bedroom

and left us alone.

Oh, you're getting hard,
Daddy-o.

She put his hand
up her skirt.

I tried to leave, but she told
me to stay where I was and watch.

Huh?

It's okay.
I'm just telling you what happened.

She was right beside me,

touching him.

God, you're so hard,
Daddy-o.

Yes.

Okay, you're fine.

I'm touching myself now.

- You want a little bit more of my story?
- Yeah.

It was scary,

but exciting too.

She started to suck his cock
in front of my face.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, God.

You're inside me, my love.

- I'm losing it.
- You're fine. Keep going.

No. It's...

I-It's no good.
Sorry.

It's okay.

Let's just sleep.

They didn't actually do that
in front of you, did they?

Tom threw up
in the bath,

and I spent the next half hour
stacking the dishwasher.

Good story though.

We actually,
totally did it.

Well...

sort of.

For, like, ten seconds.

But it was amazing.

I loved it.

A total breakthrough.

A revelation.

A revolution.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for one night only,

I give you
a substantial tumescence.

Anything else?

Erectile dysfunction.
It's women's fault.

- We do a long-running series...
- Anything stronger?

There's been a six-percent
increase in male suicide...

since the start of the recession.

This is a lifestyle magazine,
not a socialist pamphlet.

- What about sex?
- The agricultural minister's affair is everywhere.

But no one has done
the mistress's side.

Yeah?
Worth a try.

What about swinging?

Yeah,
like swingers' parties.

There are 218,000
people on this site alone.

Twenty percent are couples,

60 percent
are single men,

ten percent
are single women,

and three percent
are transvestites.

There are 48 sites like
this in the UK alone.

We are in the grip of the
second sexual revolution.

Stats are all very well,
but we need emotion.

Why do they do it?
Is it some kind of therapy?

Are they perverts,
or are they just like us?

It needs to be based on
real interviews

with real people.

Can you do that?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Do it.

Do you know
any swingers?

"MBA."

Does he look like he's got
a business degree to you?

Married, but available.

No way! You have been doing your homework!

Could you do it?
Could you share me with a guy like this?

Wouldn't it make you
insane with jealousy,

and angry,
and horny as hell?

- Alice.
- Mm-hmm?

You know, I have
this sudden mad urge.

Mm-hmm.

For cheese on toast.

No cheese.

Thanks.

Alice,
what are you doing?

What does it look like?

Let's see if we get
any replies.

You're not... actually
going to post that?

- Mm-hmm.
- Alice!

Yeah, it's done.
I'm sorry.

Wettie Bettie.

And Mr. Diggler.
A good couple.

You're not going
to believe this.

What?

Steve and Shona,
busty and lusty swinging couple,

seek same.

They want to meet us.
Like, for real. In a bar.

- You're not being serious, are you?
- Yes.

Unless you absolutely
forbid me.

Uh, okay.
I absolutely forbid you.

Come on, David.
The fact is, I do this, or I lose my job.

And then we'll both be stuck at
home, wanking.

Okay, we need a signal.

Uh, "get the fuck outta here"?

What about
"parking meter," or...

"Banana"?

- A bit obvious, maybe?
- Mmm.

God, I'm shaking.

They probably won't
turn up anyway.

I bet she's really sexy
and flirts with you.

- Ah.
- Oi.

Okay.
This is it.

Let's go.

- So, are you two married?
- No. No, we're not.

Hmm.

- You are married?
- Yeah, we are married.

I see.

So, uh, what's your favorite
football team, mate?

I'm not really
into football.

You could say that
I started early.

Yeah. David has
a little girl, you know.

- She lives with her mother.
- Mmm.

- Do you like any sports?
- Not really into sports.

You watch international games,
like...

- Football?
- Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.
Of course.

Mmm.

I see.

Lads, we're just
gonna go and powder our noses.

- Right.
- Why don't you get to know each other? Hmm?

I just wanted to know,

did he push you
into doing it?

Not exactly, no.

You see this?

It's my third time round, and this time
I'm not gonna let a man fuck it up.

They're all the same.

As soon as you tie them down,
they start cheating on you.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

They're all big weans,
really.

"Wings"?

- Weans. Children. Kids.
- Oh, yeah.

- I don't... I don't play.
- No?

Watch it. No.

What do you do?

Well, um, uh, nothing
at the moment, really.

Right. Aye. Aye.

I'm unemployed.

Had a business.

Aye, yeah?

What's your favorite
Jet Li movie?

And I thought, well, at least if
I could choose who he's shagging,

I could pick
some decent ones.

I let him think he's havin'
his cake and eatin' it.

It's been five years now,
and we have never been happier.

- Hey, boys.
- Hi.

Hi.

Shall we put some money
in the parking meter?

- That used to be our safety word, didn't it?
- Uh-huh.

So, what's your...
your word now?

- Babysitter.
- Mm-hmm. Babysitter.

Are you not meant
to keep it a secret?

So, uh, would you like to go and put
some money in your parking meter?

And I could phone
the babysitter.

Or maybe you could just come
back to ours and have a boogie.

Right?

Put the heatin' on. Wee drink, eh?
Warm ourselves up?

Just watch your feet on those tools there.
He's awfully messy.

What can I get you?
Something fizzy?

- If you don't like that, I've got voddie, if you want.
- I'll have a vodka.

- Vodka? Mm-hmm.
- Um, just some tap water for me, thanks.

- Tap water?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Get some tunes on, eh?

Davie, maybe you could
do that for me.

And I'll go and give Stevie
a wee hand in the kitchen.

Okay?

There you go.

David. Really?

So... how far
are you gonna take this?

Just pick
some different music.

This is gold.

I'll get your drink.

Oh, God, I'm gonna come.

No, Stevie, not till
you've had a go with her first.

Uh, no. Don't let us
interrupt you.

Really. We're good just watching.
It's, uh, our first time.

Oh, come on.
You're miles away from home.

We've got all night.

Live a little, huh?

Banana meter.

Actually,
we just wanted to talk.

More time-wasters, eh?

- Get 'em out, Stevie.
- Get the fuck out now.

Get out. Come on!
Get outta here!

Come on.

On the kitchen table.

Right in front of us.

I know.

Kitty Crunchies.

Hey.

What?

It was kinda...
shocking

to see her over the table like
that, yeah?

Oh, yes.

Tell me a story.

Wh-When he thrust
into her,

- her breast fell out of her bra.
- Yes.

- Her nipples were erect.
- Yes.

Yes!

Oh, David.

I fucking adore you.

I love you.

I'm sorry, but as I've already
explained, the claim is not for you,

but your household.

So if your partner
is working,

we have to assess
her earnings too.

Until then,
your claim for benefits is declined.

So if I lived on my own,
you'd give me benefits.

Would you like our form
for your partner's earnings

so we can reassess?

Yes.

Please.

All right.
Thank you.

"There's the room
through the looking glass

that's just the same
as our drawing room,

but everything
is the other way around.

And in a moment,
Alice was through the glass

and had jumped lightly down
into the looking glass room."

Sleepy time now.

- Dada.
- Yes, darling?

Can you stay here?

Okay.

But just till
you fall asleep.

- Hey.
- Hiya.

- She went out like a light.
- Good.

- Brushed her teeth all by herself.
- Wow.

So, next Thursday,
same time?

Actually, there's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

- Right.
- Hey, don't worry about that.

It's fine.
It's all right.

I need you to have
a little look at this.

Our signatures need to be
witnessed by a lawyer,

and then it's all done.

Okay, well...
I'll look over this.

Then it's...

I've booked us in
for two weeks' time.

I'd really like to
meet Alice sometime.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Uh... is that Marcia?

Yes.

It's, uh... Alice
from Swinging Paradise.

You gave me your number.

Great.

Marcia. Hello.

Hi. What a great accent.
Where are you from?

Spain, originally.

But I'm always
on the move, you know.

Never manage to stay
in one place for long.

But I like it here.
Scotland is great.

- And you're in the West End too?
- Uh, yes.

Uh, W-slash-E, I guess.
Yeah.

You know, um...
we're quite new to all this though.

It is quite tricky to...

Hey, Daddy-o.

Hey, I'm in here.

Hey.

It's so early.
What are you doing in bed?

Is Amy okay?

Yeah. She's great.

How was your day?

Good.

Quite exciting,
actually.

And you might find it
interesting as well.

- Oh?
- Mm-hmm.

What have you done?

You know, I...

I think that it's okay...

I... It's okay
to be turned on by watching.

If watching another couple
helps us to have sex,

that's cool.

Is this some kind
of test?

No.

I'm...

I have to meet
another couple tomorrow,

and I don't want to
go by myself.

Marcia can tell you about the first
time we met up with another couple.

Oh, my God.
It was impossible not to laugh.

The guy
did a striptease.

- Really?
- Yes. Yeah, really.

Come on in.
I'll show you the house.

Wow.

- I love your paintings.
- Mmm.

David went to...
to art school, you know.

He's very talented.

We try
to collect local work.

Maybe we could see
some of yours.

Oh, it was a long time ago,
and mostly graphics, really.

Is he always this modest?

Well, shall we
get some drinks?

Sure.

Here. This way.

- Nice windows.
- Venetian.

This used to be
a playroom.

Horrible,
cartoony wallpaper,

so we just
knocked through.

We are not having children.

- Little bit of absinthe.
- Thank you.

- Sláinte.
- Sláinte.

- Sláinte.
- Cheers.

So, do you wanna
see upstairs?

We may as well.

It's the nicest part
of the house.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna suck his cock.

Do you want me to?

Banana meter?

Uh...

Oh, it's so hard.

Look at them watching us.

I wanna see her tits.

Kiss me.

I think she means you.

I'll do it
if you want me to.

Or we could just watch.

Do it.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I love you.

Kiss me.

I wanna fuck him.

I'm gonna fuck him.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

David.

Just wait.

Wait for me.

Sorry.

- I spoiled it for you.
- For me?

This is for both of us.
Hey, don't walk away from me!

Please, David.
Don't be jealous.

Look.

Why don't you go home.

I just need to walk this off.

I'll be right back.

What can I say?

Ah, he's so hard.

You turned off
your phone.

I've been worried sick.

I don't wanna talk
about what happened tonight.

Ever.

Okay.

I don't know why
you stay with me.

I don't know either.

I hate
this fucking country.

It's cold and wet,
and everybody's fucking miserable.

Why do you think
I stay here?

I could just...

get in a plane
and start again.

It wouldn't be the first time.
You know that.

I'm here
because of you.

You are clever,

talented, funny.

You just need some time.

I'm going nowhere,
so please, Daddy-o,

don't push me away.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Let's go.
You're freezing.

Thought you were gonna
interview a young couple.

The key to the new, sexy, hip
Internet swinging scene.

Well, I was following a
couple, but they pulled out.

How about
an overview?

The sexual politics
of swinging?

- The alternative to marriage?
- No. That's dull.

We need one face,
not a thousand.

There is always...

There's always
this woman.

She's not exactly a sexy young
thing, is she?

She's had sex with over
2,000 men and women.

Good God.

And she's agreed
to an interview?

Yes.

I'm meeting her later.

Okay.

Do you want
to keep it?

I'll take this.
You don't like.

Right.

My father was a naval officer.

My mom was a typical
military wife,

following the big man around
the world with a child in tow.

Why on earth would you
wanna know that?

Eh...

Oh, it's nice to have someone take
such an interest in me and my brain

rather than just my body.

Come on, David. You...
You have to admit she's fascinating.

I mean, you should have
heard her on the phone.

She's been a naturist,
a tantric couple's therapist,

a bondage mistress.

I mean... how many
women her age...

She's a freak,
obviously.

She might even be able to get
to the bottom of your problems.

Sorry.

Our problems.

Okay.

If you really
can't do it,

I'll get Tony
to come.

Who's Tony?

Tony is 28,

well-endowed.

We work together.

Wish I'd never clicked
on that feckin' website.

Oh, come on.

After you, monsieur.

You have no idea how many fakes
there are on the scene these days,

trying to get free pussy.

The most tragic of all is when you arrange to
meet a couple and only one of 'em shows up.

- The guy?
- Of course.

- Mm-hmm.
- And he'll say something like,

"Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Simone..." Or whoever... "Has a cold.

She couldn't make it.

But why don't we have a threesome,
and she'll get you later?"

- Men, huh?
- Oh, he's a rascal.

You mean, things have changed?

Oh, God, yes.

Life is not
about freedom anymore.

- It's about what you can get for free.
- Yeah.

Back in California,
I was a polyandrist.

There was Jago and Tom,
Sally and Yvette.

Yvette was a transsexual
from Warhol's Factory.

We lived together like one
big couple for three years.

We had rotas for everything... gardening,
cooking, even bonking, of course.

The men rarely
did the dishes though.

We agreed to do this water-only diet
and have 30 tantric orgasms a day.

- Wow.
- Give you terrible diarrhea.

Some things never change.

Oh, God.

I could just tie him up and spank him.

We hold weddings and ceilidhs
here throughout the year.

Our night's
a little different though.

Going up.

So, is... is this
a swinging motel?

Oh, no,
that would be illegal.

We're vigilant of the
nosy parkers and frauds,

but we're not doing anything
we're ashamed of.

The hotel just happens to have
a lot of people, once a month,

who like fucking
each other senseless.

We take this whole floor for our parties.

On soiree nights,
all the doors are open.

I don't believe
in boundaries between people.

Men, women.
Black, white. Young, old.

Down at the end of the corridor
is where we have the black room.

The black room?

It's an ancient ritual from
the Shawnee American Indians.

Where the blind find their sight
and the ugly become beautiful.

Someone once made love to my
armpit in there for half an hour.

It was divine.
Let me show you my other favorite room.

I call this
the bridal suite.

Now, my dears,
don't be shy.

I've seen hundreds of couples
with problems like yours.

Come on, sit.

David. Alice.

Take my hand.

- Right.
- Sit down.

That's it.
Now, just fall back on the bed.

Fall back on the bed.

That's it.

Breathe in.

That's it.
Laughter's the key to everything.

It really is.

Look up at that couple
in the mirror.

Breathe together,
in...

and out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

In and out.

In and out.

You've never seen yourselves
like this before.

Still and beautiful.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

In and out.

Let yourself melt
into each other.

In and out.

Bloody hell.

That was...

It's like I've been
in a car crash.

My legs
are still trembling.

I mean,
you were so orgasmic.

I know.

- I can't believe we...
- Screamed?

- Yeah.
- So loud?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, me too.

You know, it was like
losing my virginity,

only good.

Does it mean
we are...

- Cured?
- I don't know.

Does it?

Listen,
I've been thinking.

Mm-hmm?

How would you like
to meet Amy tomorrow?

We should have done it
ages ago.

David Johnston, I would love
to meet your daughter.

How will you introduce me?
Like, your girlfriend?

Or your partner?

- Partner's horrible.
- Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just play it
as it comes.

Okay.

Okay, Alice.

I'm off.

Oh. Thanks.

All right. So I'll see you
in the park around 3:00.

- When I'm done.
- Okay.

Don't be so nervous.
You'll be fine.

Mmm!

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Bye.

Sign here, and here.

Okay.

They make it very simple,
don't they?

It's a mere formality really.

This is great. I'll get the certificates
mailed out to you right away.

- Good luck to you both.
- Thank you.

Thanks.

So you're a free man.

I'll pick Amy up
at the park about 4:00?

Yeah. Good.

I'm going to introduce her
to Alice today.

That's good.
I'd like to meet her myself.

Daddy!

- Will you be able to eat that before we play football?
- Yeah.

Now, hold my hand on the road.
Very, very busy.

Hello, tiger.

Where have you
been hiding?

And who is
this gorgeous girl?

- My name's Amy.
- Your name's Amy.

Well, you are just a gorgeous
little munchkin, aren't you?

Marcia, we really need to get a move on.
We're running late.

Okay. Um, well...

Well, say hi to Alice
for me.

We'd, um, love to spend
more time with you guys.

- Come on.
- Where are we going, Daddy?

Shush. We're going
to the park.

- Who was that lady?
- Just someone from work.

But Mummy says
you don't have work.

Mummy should mind
her own feckin' business.

Look.

We're gonna go to the park
and see Alice.

You'll like that,
won't you?

I was just popping in to get
a repeat prescription for the pill.

And I also wanted to get the
sexual health check-up thing.

Okay.

So, I have some news
for you.

Maybe you
were expecting this?

Mmm. No.

The results show
that you're pregnant.

I doubt it.

Your records show
some history.

Yeah, I, um...
I had two abortions before.

Um, yeah.

Are you sure
there's no mistake?

It's a lot to take in.

I know these things
can be complicated.

Oh, Daddy, Daddy!

- It's okay. It's okay, darling.
- My knee! My knee!

It's okay. It's okay, Amy.

- Just put her down.
- Don't be scared.

- Let me go!
- Just let her go.

You okay? Everything okay?
You're fine, baby.

Look, the nice lady
didn't mean to scare you.

- Do you want to say hello to her?
- No.

- No?
- Amy! Darling.

- Mummy!
- Sweetheart, come to Mummy.

Oh, what has Daddy done?

What were you thinking?

- Don't cry.
- Just wait here.

Darling, it's okay.
It's okay.

- Hannah!
- Calm down, Amy. Calm down.

Hannah, she just slipped
over in some mud.

She's covered in mud,
David.

She is fine. It'll wash off.
Just put her down.

- For goodness' sake.
- Put her down.

It's just dirt.
It's fine.

Here, let me take
your lolly, love.

She didn't know
who Alice was.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, well, that's Alice then. Okay.

Look, David, there is
always something.

That's why I don't like
leaving her with you.

Kids fall over.

Alice?

Why didn't you wait
for me to introduce you?

What?

They teach them every day at
nursery not to talk to strangers.

She's four. I mean,
how is she supposed to know who you are?

Have you any idea how long
it's taken me to negotiate

to even see her, unsupervised,
in a public place?

- But, David, she fell over.
- I expected more from you, Alice.

Sorry. I'm... I'm...

Alice?

You lied about your name.

Most swingers do.

You have an STD?
Ditto.

No.

Worse.
You're a journalist.

I'll understand if you
don't want to talk to me.

Actually, it's time I told my story.
I have cancer.

Breasts and glands.

If they cut it out,
there'll be nothing left of me.

I intend to go out
with a bang. Fire away.

You never wanted
to have kids?

Well...

You have to understand,
it was the beginning of women's lib.

It was family planning.

A lot of us did things
that, in hindsight...

Abortion.

Adoption.

I gave my daughter away.

My m... My mother told me I was
the biggest mistake she ever made.

Oh, that's
a terrible thing to say.

If I was your mother,
I'd be so proud of you.

Alice, for a long time,
I was a lost soul.

I didn't know
who I was.

One night, I got out
of my head at a party.

I went into a black room, and I let a
stranger fuck me until I disappeared.

No names, no faces.
Just touch.

Sometimes, when you're lost,
when you're totally lost,

that's when
you find yourself.

We'll black everyone's eyes out
and write their job titles on top.

Plumber, IT consultant,
cleaning lady, accountant,

with Dolly
front and center.

Queen of the Swingers
kind of thing.

The finale at the hotel will
be the icing on the cake.

You just go in as a couple.
He'll snap all the pics.

Orgies, uglies, buggery.
All the freaks.

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

A lot of time and money's
already gone into this.

We're pretty much
ready to print.

If I'm going to do this,
I'll do it my way.

By myself.

Alice?

Will you at least
talk to me?

Where are you going now?

I have to finish
my story.

But you like stories,
don't you?

What is it you want
from me, Alice?

It's quite simple.

Are we going to stay together and
grow old and all that shit, or not?

'Cause if not, we're just
wasting each other's time.

Alice, I just want you.
Just... you and me.

And we'll see
how it goes, okay?

Just let me fucking go.

What, so you're
just gonna walk out?

Okay, turn around.

Oh, darling. Good to see you.

And you.

You look great.
Have fun.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I might be
on the list.

- What's your name?
- Alice Lopez.

L-O-P-E-zed.

Just one?

You're a bad boy.

I told you.
You've been bad.

What do you say?

What do you say?

You know what
this room is?

You need
to take them off.

Including the heels.

You can change in there.

Hi, this is Alice.
Please leave a message after...

Sorry there's no tip.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry, mate.
Private function.

Dolly! Dolly, hi.
It's me.

David.

It's okay.
This one's with me.

- How wonderful to see you.
- I'm looking for Alice.

I haven't seen her, darling.
Why don't you go and explore?

Great. Thank you.

- Hi.
- Lady Munter, you look fabulous.

- Mwah.
- Come on in. Everybody, come in.

Don't stand out
in the cold.

Oh, fuck off.
No boys!

Hello, sailor.

Bitch.

I'm looking
for my partner.

Um, she's about so high.
Got a ponytail.

- Name's Alice.
- No names in there, mate.

Nothing to see.

You can get changed
in there.

Excuse me.
I said you could change in there.

I'm sorry.
I'm in a rush.

Socks as well, please.

Suck his balls.

Alice, are you in here?

- Shh.
- Yeah.

Alice!

Let me in.
I want to suck 'em too.

Just watch where you're
going, would you?

Yeah, I will.
I will, I will, I will.

Alice, talk to me, please.

Come here.
I'll be your Alice.

Please,
just stop touching me.

Alice!

Please, baby.

Hard. Harder.

Turn the lights on!

- Turn the lights on!
- For fuck's sake, mate.

Banana meter.
Banana meter, Alice!

That's enough!
Out you go.

Turn off the fucking light!

Right, you... out.

David.

What'd you stop for?

- Jesus, where have you been?
- I thought you were someone else.

What are you doing in there?

- I'm looking for you!
- Listen, can you just fuck off?

Just get out of there,
will you?

Come on,
let's just go to the sauna.

Right, get out now,
or I'm calling the bouncers.

Alice.

Alice.

Please, please. Come on.
Let's go in here.

- Come here.
- David. Hey!

I'm not gonna let you
run away again, Alice.

If you wanna start again,
you're gonna have to do it with me.

Just me and you and Amy.

And we're gonna
be just fine.

I love you, Alice.

I'm pregnant, David.

Jesus Christ, Alice.

I want to keep this baby.

Alice.

Of course
we'll keep it, Alice.

What about work and money?

I don't know.

We could move to the countryside
and grow some carrots.

- Aren't you scared?
- Shitless.

But you're going
to be a mummy, Alice.

Look at us, Daddy-o.

Wettie Bettie.

¡Perro malo!

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