Original subtitles

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I hate you!

- [CLOCK CHIMES] - [SCREAMS]

[DOOR OPENS]

What is going on? What happened?

Aravind? We weren't expecting you till tomorrow morning.

Devi, why are you screaming at your uncle?

- Uh, cause he scared the crap out of me. - [CHUCKLES]

DEVI: What are you doing here, Aravind Periyappa?

Currently, I'm looking for mustard.

He's also here to be the male chaperone for Prashant's visit.

Hey, let me help you. You come. Sit, sit.

You must be so tired after driving all the way from San Jose.

I'm sorry if I frightened you,

but you left the spare key under the mat.

And as the owner of the number two home security company in San Jose area,

I must say your house is very easy to break into.

I know, Aravind. You try and sell me a security system every visit.

What if Prashant came here tomorrow,

and found everyone chopped up into little pieces by a murderer?

That would leave him with a very bad impression of our family.

Hey, why did you have to use a spare key? Why didn't someone let you in?

Kamala was asleep. I could hear her beautiful snoring from upstairs,

and Devi just got home.

Where were you?

And what are you wearing?

Uh...

Sweats. I went for a run.

- At night? - At night?

You cannot run in Los Angeles at night.

This is the city of Charles Manson and Harvey Weinstein!

I think it's okay.

The worst criminal in our neighborhood

is the lady who watered her lawn during the drought.

I reported her, and she's been punished accordingly.

All right. It's very late.

I want to be fresh to meet Kamala's future husband tomorrow,

so let's all get some sleep.

I don't know if I can fall asleep in a house

where a burglar can walk in at any time and murder me,

but I will do my best.

Good night, Periyappa.

♪ Tide, tide turning ♪

♪ The waves come crashing... ♪

McENROE: Devi mistaking her uncle for her dad

had dug up a memory she'd buried deep inside.

I hate you!

McENROE: She was so rattled by it,

she almost forgot a much more exciting new memory.

She just kissed Paxton fricking Hall fricking Yoshida!

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Paxton. Think about Paxton.

[SIGHS] Dammit!

Not everything is about you and your problems!

Maybe you would benefit from a different approach.

You've turned into this fake person

who doesn't give a shit about her real friends!

DEVI: I hate you!

[DEVI SCREAMS]

McENROE: Looks like it's gonna be a long night.

Devi, come on. Get up. Prashant's gonna be here in an hour.

Mom.

Can't I have a little more time? I barely slept last night.

NALINI: Out of be right now and put on something nice.

How about that pretty dress I got at Costco

while buying our annual supply of toilet paper?

McENROE: Oh, that dress?

It's currently sitting in the back of Paxton's Jeep, soaked in pool water.

Yeah. I can't wear that.

I mean, I'll look too good.

We want Prashant to fall in love with Kamala and not me, right?

You know what? Wear whatever you want.

But please, just remember, today is Kamala's day,

so let's not have any of the usual Devi nonsense.

I don't know what you mean by "Devi nonsense."

I returned home last night to find you screaming in your uncle's face.

Fair enough.

I promise to be on my best behavior.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

McENROE: Shit! Maybe it's Paxton, or Fabiola trying to apologize.

And I am taking this to my room. Don't need you distracted today.

What if it's a college offering early admission?

Devi, for once can you please try not to make my life any harder?

I hate you!

Kanna, you do not say such things to your mother.

She can say whatever she wants to me 'cause I'm not the irresponsible girl

who lost her sheet music right before her concert started!

That doesn't mean I deserve to be grounded for two weeks.

Oh, yes, it does!

Maybe it will teach you not to be so thoughtless!

Nalini, please calm down.

I will not come down when this child insists on being such a headache to me!

McENROE: Devi had hoped she'd slept that memory off, but there it was again.

Of all days, today she needed to be normal.

So she had no choice but to shove that memory back down

to where it came from.

Yeah. Okay, Mom. I'll be good.

Just let me get dressed.

Okay. I'm sure whatever you wear will be very nice.

Now, I need to help Kamala get ready.

Just gonna rub a little coconut oil in her hair so she smells like his mother.

Steve, you have nothing to worry about.

STEVE: What if this guy sweeps you off your feet?

I read on Wikipedia

sometimes these Indian guys come down the aisle on a horse!

It's not my wedding day. It's just lunch.

STEVE: Why can't you just leave?

- I'm parked around the block. - You're what?

Please go. That street is permit parking only!

You'll get a ticket!

- You are worth the $40. - Please stop calling.

I promise I will call you after lunch is over.

This is so unfair. Do you see what Kamala is doing?

I wasn't doing anything.

She gets to be on her phone. How come you're not yelling at her?

Don't bother your cousin, sweetie. She doesn't need any extra pressure.

Today's lunch will determine whether or not she has a happy life.

Great. Thank you for relieving the pressure, Auntie.

Come on.

[LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Now, as a wife, it's great to have your own opinions,

but remember, sometimes Prashant will come home from work

and just want to watch cricket.

Well, I plan to work too.

Of course, kanna. I'm a modern man.

I know that you'll want to work until you have children.

All sons. Fingers crossed.

Remind me again, Aravind Periyappa, were you ever married?

Devi, don't pry into your uncle's personal life.

[ARAVIND LAUGHS]

Oh, Devi, there have been many women

who wanted to settle down with old Aravind,

but I'm sort of a lone wolf.

Hard to pin down.

The problem with being a security expert is allowing someone to...

break into your heart.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's Prashant. I will open the door.

Aravind, behind me to my left. Kamala, to my right.

Devi, next to her. Devi, make sure you favor your left side.

Kamala, both your sides are equally good.

Come on.

Deep breath.

Prashant?

Hello.

Whoa, damn. You're hot.

Devi, don't say that to a stranger.

I'm sorry I called you hot.

It's just, like, we were expecting an uggo.

- Ow. - No, no, it's okay.

Uh, thank you for not thinking I'm an uggo.

Hi, I'm Prashant.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Kamala.

Oh, Prashant, please, please come in.

Welcome, welcome. Take your shoes off. Uh-huh.

- Welcome to out house. - Wow, it's beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

Wow. What an amazing grandfather clock.

Oh! [LAUGHS] What, this old thing? Priceless family heirloom.

Um, Kamala, I brought you a small gift.

Oh, that's so sweet.

NALINI: Oh, Swarovski crystals.

He knows his Indian women.

A beaver is kind of a weird choice, Prashant.

No, it's perfect.

It's the mascot of Caltech.

How thoughtful.

It was my college mascot too, at MIT.

- After all, the beaver is... - TOGETHER: Nature's engineer.

I just googled the price. Wow, that's valuable.

Now you really need a home security system.

Why don't I put that somewhere safe?

- I can take it to your room, Kamala. - Thank you, Devi.

Don't take too long, and don't waste your time looking for your phone.

It's very well hidden.

Prashant, you must be hungry.

Please come, sit.

Steve? Oh, my God! You scared the crap out of me.

You almost made me drop this expensive-ass beaver!

Nature's engineer?

Did he give that to her?

Yeah, but what are you doing here?

I'm rescuing my love from sexual slavery.

It looks like you're just reading an Indian hair magazine.

Shouldn't you like storm down and get her?

I was going to, but I didn't know how big Prashant was,

and also, I'm scared of your mom.

Okay. It doesn't seem like you'll be storming anywhere.

You just stay here, and I'll get Kamala.

I thought I came to America for the great education,

but I think my favorite part might be the ice cream.

There are so many flavors here.

Way more than just pistachio.

My favorite part is that traffic is separated into two directions.

It's adorable.

That took long enough.

Sorry. I was busy trying to find the perfect spot

for the crystal beaver in Kamala's room.

In fact, I think she should check out where I put it.

- No, that's okay. I trust you. - You shouldn't.

You should really see the beaver for yourself.

You're never gonna believe where it ended up.

A shelf? A table?

- Now I'm curious. Can I go see? - No!

Kamala should be alone with the crystal beaver

and figure out what the future holds for the two of them.

Okay. I guess I'll go look.

[EXHALES]

PRASHANT: So, Uncle, you're a security system...

What are you up to?

I thought we said no Devi nonsense.

ARAVIND: ...in the south San Jose area.

Nalini, please calm down.

I will not calm down when this child insists on being such a headache to me!

Oh, my God. Dad!

Devi is not a headache.

The concert starts in 30 minutes.

So let's stop yelling at each other and look for the sheet music together,

and when we come home later, I will fix this.

Kanna, please go upstairs and check again.

Upstairs!

Yeah, yeah. Take your time going up!

McENROE: Okay, keep it together, Devi.

You don't need to go back there. Stay in the present.

I'm sure whatever your Uncle Aravind is saying is really interesting.

Focus.

ARAVIND: What people don't realize

is that most home burglaries happen during the daytime.

That's why I recommend clients live as far north on their blocks as possible

where days are shorter.

- Hello, Kamala. - Oh, my God. Steve?

Why are you here?

Because you shouldn't be bought and sold by your family like a prized calf.

That's not what's happening here, and that also feels a little racial.

I want a chance to make my offer.

Let me start by saying I don't have a ring.

No, no, no. Get up.

I don't want to marry you.

But you want to marry that stranger downstairs?

No, I don't want to marry anyone!

[SIGHS]

Oh, Steve, you're so sweet,

and handsome, and surprisingly good at mini golf,

and I appreciate you being my first boyfriend, but--

Oh, no.

Did I just talk you into breaking up with me?

Sorry, but I think you did.

So, Uncle tells me you're a dermatologist, Auntie.

She is. We have a lot of doctors in the family.

Cousin Manju started her cardiology residency at 18.

Devi, you have some catching up to do.

Well, Cousin Manju is also a 28-year-old virgin.

So, I'm good.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

McENROE: The day was turning around. Forget those pesky flashbacks.

Devi had reined in her brain and was being charming as hell.

So, Devi, what are you into?

Oh, this young lady is a very talented musician.

Devi, why don't you play something on your harp?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

ARAVIND: Devi. Hello?

Don't leave us music lovers waiting.

Devi is, uh, actually taking a little break from the harp right now.

Kanna, why don't you just help me clear the table?

I don't know about you,

but now all I can think about is hearing some harp.

[WHISPERING] What's wrong with you? You're acting so strange.

I'm fine. I think I'm having low blood sugar.

I don't see how. You ate five samosas.

I'm sorry. I'm just under a lot of stress right now.

How are your legs? Can you feel this?

- Yes, and it hurts! Stop pinching me. - Okay.

My legs are fine. Everything's fine.

Okay. Good, good.

I just don't want Prashant to tell his family that we're weird.

Okay, look. You go back in there. You talk to him.

I'm gonna go see what's taking Kamala so long.

No, Mom, wait!

No, it's not because you're bad at sex.

- Oh, God. - [DOOR CLOSES]

Kamala, what is your boyfriend doing here when your future husband is here?

- How did you know that I had a boyfriend? - It's pretty obvious.

All the sneaking around, all the whispered phone calls.

I also saw him fall off the roof a couple of mornings ago.

I'm so sorry, Kamala. I tried to stop her,

but she shot up here like a frigging panther.

I have let you down, Auntie.

You welcomed me into your home, and I've been lying to you.

McENROE: Devi felt bad for her cousin.

She knew the storm that was about to be unleashed on her.

This was gonna be a bloodbath.

It's okay. I understand.

Huh? You understand?

You have literally never said that to me before.

Devi, please.

NALINI: All I'm saying is

I know there are some real hunks on the Caltech campus.

I've watched Big Bang Theory.

So you're not mad?

Of course not.

What the hell is going on here?

Look, no one is forcing you to do anything.

All a family can do is just point you in the right direction.

- What if I'm the right direction? - You're not.

Okay, we need to get him out of here before Prashant or Aravind see him.

Uh, he can go back out the window.

No, no, he can't. It's too risky.

Aravind might just hear him clomping around on the roof.

Then he'll have to go out the front door,

but we'll need a distraction.

Devi?

Yeah, I can do that.

Get up.

Prashant, I noticed that you carry your cell phone in your front pocket.

Is that because you do not wish to have any children?

Hi. Would either of you care to have your chai in the living room?

Oh, God, yes.

Uh, no, thank you. I prefer to lift my tea from dining table level.

But wouldn't rather sit in a more comfortable seat?

No.

Okay.

Um...

What if I played my harp for you?

Really? How wonderful!

[TUNING HARP]

Sorry. It's been a minute.

I just need to tune this thing.

It's fine. Take your time.

[TUNING HARP]

PRASHANT: Are you okay, Devi?

You don't have to play if you don't want to.

Maybe we should wait until Kamala and Nalini come back.

What's taking them so long?

No, it's fine. I'm ready.

[PLAYING SONG]

Kanna, look what I got you. It's a harp.

Harp? I wanted a guitar.

MOHAN: No, you don't. Come here.

Any idiot can play the guitar. It only has six strings.

How many strings do you see here?

- A million. - Exactly.

MOHAN: See, this is an instrument for a real musician.

You're far too special for a stupid guitar.

Prodigy.

McENROE: Hey, this is kind of a breakthrough.

Devi is playing the harp again?

Maybe she's all better now.

Shall we go?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Goodbye, Steve.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you.

You did.

Is Devi home?

[SONG ENDS]

[ARARVIND AND PRASHANT CLAPPING]

How wonderful! You're very talented, Devi.

Prashant, we should set her up with your little brother.

Your brother Arun, not the one who works at Massage Envy.

NALINI: Hello, everyone.

[LAUGHS] Here is Kamala.

I'm just gonna steal Devi for a second.

Did you get rid of Steve? How hard did he cry?

Paxton?

There are more boys coming and going in this house

than the GameStop at the mall.

Look, I can go. It seems like a bad time.

- You just weren't responding to texts. - Don't go, Paxton.

You haven't returned Devi back her dress that she took off in your car.

Okay, I did take off my dress and leave it in his car,

- but not in the way you think I did. - Don't even try.

I cannot believe you because you keep lying to me.

She's telling the truth, Dr. Vishwakumar. She fell in the pool at the party,

so I gave her a change of clothes.

- NALINI: A party? - Oh, shit.

[SARCASTICALLY] Thank you so much, Paxton, for clearing that up.

So, not only did you disobey me by going to this party last night,

you were so sober, you fell into the pool,

and then did God knows what with this boy in his car.

All we did was kiss.

You what?

McENROE: Paxton, these are very unforced errors.

Oh, Devi, this is just terrific.

Great decision making.

Why don't you just let this idiot knock you up?

Maybe Princeton will allow you to raise a little baby in your dorm room.

He's not an idiot.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is he an honors student? I had no idea. My apologies, Paxton.

McENROE: Even though Nalini was talking out of frustration

more than anything else,

Paxton was stung by these little digs at his intelligence.

- I'm gonna go. - Mmm.

You must have a very busy day returning dresses to other smart girls

whose futures you're trying to ruin.

Mom, stop.

What was that?

I barely did anything.

I kissed one boy one time.

Meanwhile, the guy Kamala's having sex with

just broke into our house, and you don't even care.

Well, I'll say it again. I'm not surprised someone has broken into this house.

This seems like a very private conversation.

KAMALA: Prashant...

I am so sorry.

I was seeing someone,

and he did kind of just break into the house.

Was it the guys who was climbing the tree outside when I arrived?

I thought he was the landscaper.

Yes, that was Steve.

So this was all a waste of time?

Wow. I feel like I'm being pranked.

No. No, I would never prank you.

I hate pranks.

I don't understand why America has a national holiday to celebrate them.

I agree. April Fools' is way scarier than Halloween.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Look, Prashant, I am so sorry this happened,

but I promise you I'm not with Steve anymore.

But also... I don't think I'm ready to get engaged today.

[LAUGHS] Well, that is very clear.

That doesn't mean I won't ever be.

This all just feels so strange at the moment.

I know. It's weird for me too.

To be honest, I'm actually relieved

you aren't some Goody Two-shoes who does everything you're told.

It makes you more interesting.

- You think so? - Definitely.

Every other Indian girl I've been set up with

has tried to act like my mother.

[LAUGHS] Yes. What is that about?

I don't know, but I'm certainly not trying to go to bed with my mother every night.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I know you just had another man climbing on you roof,

so maybe I'm an idiot for saying this, but I can't help it.

I kinda like you.

I kinda like you too.

And your family is very...

entertaining.

What if we just kept this between us?

Took things slow. Just got to know each other.

Are you saying you don't want my uncle around every time we talk?

I'd prefer if he were not.

I would too.

- [BOTH LAUGH] - [DOOR OPENS]

Two secret boyfriends have entered this house

during a lunch to decide this family's future.

What is it when I'm not here? Three secret boyfriends?

This household is out of control!

It's not out of control.

I'd argue it's too under control.

Devi, do not talk back to your uncle.

The lack of discipline and respect here is astounding to me.

When you return to India, this behavior will be put to bed!

We're going to India?

Can't we vacation in Aspen like Ben's family?

It's the playground of the rich and famous.

[LAUGHS] You're not just going on vacation to India, young lady.

Mom, what is he talking about?

Sweetheart, your uncle and I have been talking for the past month or so

about how hard it's been for us here, especially with family being so far away--

Oh, my God. You want us to move to India?

I...

I think it would be better for us.

- I need to go to my room. - NALINI: Devi...

Aravind.

- Devi, listen to me. - No, I don't want to.

Look, I'll know it'll be a big change, but I think we need it.

Look, I feel like a stranger here, and I don't have a support system,

and frankly, without your father around, I just...

I just feel like I'm really struggling to raise you.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

NALINI: You are too easy on her.

No, I'm not. I have a different approach.

Okay, great. Then why don't you raise her?

Because I give up. I am done. She's too headstrong and doesn't listen.

Whoever this child is, I am through with her!

- MOHAN: Nalini-- - NALINI: No, that's your child.

She's no daughter of mine.

I understand you're struggling to raise me.

You're struggling to raise me 'cause you don't like me.

What? Don't like you? That's not true.

I heard what you said the night Dad died.

You said I wasn't your daughter.

I know I'm just a burden to you.

So you can go to India alone.

Or maybe take Kamala with you.

She's the daughter you actually wanted.

Devi, that's not fair.

[CRYING] What's not fair

is that I lost the only parent that actually cared about me.

I wish you were the one that died that night.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[HARP MUSIC PLAYING]