Original subtitles

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A CTB Film Company Production

With support from THE RUSSIAN CINEMA FUND

Sanya, it's us.

ALEKSANDR MOSIN

Hello, on today's edition of his show Amazing People

Sergey Sholokhov talks to a remarkable young man.

We now go to Sergey Sholokhov and Pyotr.

And now, my friends, meet our new guest, Pyotr.

So far, all of Pyotr's predictions have come true.

Pyotr, any new predictions for us today?

There's a planet. It's outside our solar system.

It's huge. It's got life and water.

And happiness.

And there is...

OLEG GARKUSHA

PHARMACY

- Hi, do you have fir tree oil? - 34 roubles.

Thank you.

Hello, I'll leave these for a second.

A 20 rouble candle, please.

Thank you. Oh, sorry.

God, grant me the wisdom and serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

May Thy will, not mine, be done.

Amen.

YURI MATVEYEV

BANYA

Today is women only.

Do I look like a woman?

Are you going to the third floor?

Fourth.

Come as they please.

Hi Sergey! Busy today?

No, just three people.

One's leaving, he's just finishing his beer.

And the bandit. You know him.

Is there a fourth floor here?

Just the attic.

Can I have some sheets, please?

Hey, it's our musician!

How's it going?

I knew you'd come.

Get over here.

Why are you so grim?

Life.

You don't have a life!

Me, I've got a life.

Shot four bastards last night.

Then straight to church

for confession and communion

and now I'm here at the banya.

Are you coming?

Easy on the water.

I know what I'm doing. You go turn up the steam.

Nice!

Why did you tell me about the people you killed?

Fir tree oil?

It's cooled down enough. We can go up.

ALISA SCHITIKOVA

Get Sergei in to give you a whipping.

You never answered me.

Forget it, let me worry about it.

Let's go have a beer, I got excellent salted fish.

I'll tell you about the Bell Tower of Happiness.

Father Raphael took my confession.

He says there's a Bell Tower of Happiness

somewhere between St. Petersburg and Uglich.

Something happened and the electromagnetic radiation

killed everything around it.

Sasha, two more, please.

He says it's a pretty small area.

But it's been winter there for years.

Nuclear winter.

Crazy radiation levels.

And right in the middle is the Bell Tower.

They say it transports people.

But not everybody.

He says, "Why don't you have a go".

With such excellent salted fish maybe it'll transport me.

Me and my buddy Matvey decided to go.

It might be true about the happiness.

Although Father Raphael says nobody's come back.

Maybe it transported them all. Everybody wants to be happy.

Me too.

ME TOO

I've heard rumors, but nothing official. Is it like Chernobyl?

Not exactly. But the radiation is off the scale.

All the locals died instantly.

Even though there was no explosion.

Here, put on some music.

Yours?

Who cares?

How do you know about the Bell Tower of Happiness

if everyone's dead?

Bitch.

Why the fuck do they let chicks drive?

I'm going, morons.

So?

Gotta pick up Matvey.

Father Aleksey was reading a sermon at the church.

Then suddenly there's a noise, and people start flying away.

So they flew away, so what?

You're bullshitting me.

How did you find out about this?

We're here. Gotta help out a friend.

Matvey is in rehab. Against his will.

He didn't want to quit drinking.

Wife turned him in.

So he's locked up there.

Help me, and we'll take you with us.

Hey, where are you going?

- Hello. - Hello.

We're here to see a friend.

What's his name?

Matveyev.

Matveyev... Wing four. Through the courtyard, on the right.

- Thank you. - Bye.

As you were, Lieutenant. I'm here to question a suspect.

Yes, Major. Go ahead.

Please leave us alone, I need to ask him a few questions.

Sure, one moment.

I was looking for you in the ward.

Come on, Matvey, your stuff's in the bag.

Get dressed, we don't have time.

No, bro, I'm not going.

What? The wheels are outside, we're ready to go!

I don't feel like going, bro.

Major, he needs his treatment. You'll have to finish later.

150 milligrams of Propofol.

Open your mouth. Bite the mouthpiece.

Bite down. Good.

You'll doze off now. Breathe deeply and don't talk.

Get his lab coat.

Luga, Luga, come in. This is 512.

This is Luga. Copy.

Reporting an assault on post 512.

A patient has been kidnapped, an orderly is down.

Lieutenant Pavlov, traffic police. Your driver's license, please.

Officer, our Colonel had a stroke at his cottage.

I've got a doctor here for him.

Drive safely, Major.

Get me some booze, I don't have any cash.

No problem.

Is this yours?

The Bell Tower didn't transport Father Aleksey and four others.

But they got out alive.

Father Aleksey died four days later.

Serious radiation poisoning.

Father Raphael didn't tell me about the others.

Probably didn't know.

But I'm guessing they're dead too.

Raphael stayed with Aleksey at the hospital until he died.

He told him everything.

It wasn't a confession he just told him the story.

That's how I know.

He told me all about it, I don't know why.

Sounds like bullshit to me, but I don't care anymore.

We just have to stop off for some warm clothes.

That place is freezing.

I'll take my old man, too.

Your old man?

Wait here.

Yura...

Let's go.

They ran out of beer at the banya.

There's a kiosk nearby.

So I went outside.

I ask for beer, and the darkie in the kiosk

hangs the "Closed" sign right in my face.

So the next night, I drove up in a crane

lifted the kiosk, and took all the beer they had.

Where did you get the crane?

Dumbass! There are cranes on every corner.

You know how to operate a crane?

I drove a tank in the army.

I've got a good banya story, too.

I was waiting for the boys.

Got the steam room ready, soaked the birch bunches

no sign of the boys.

So I tear the leaves off an old, dried up bunch

get a newspaper from the attendant

and roll four joints.

The boys show up.

We take some steam, have a few beers.

I go, "Hey, guys, how about a smoke?"

Naturally, they say yes.

So they pass the "joints" around

until they finished all four.

They got totally smashed.

I was a radio operator in the army.

So?

So nothing.

It's too hot. Open the window.

No, I'll turn on the AC.

I've been drinking for a long time.

One time, I fell in love with an actress.

She says to me, "If you don't quit, I'm leaving."

I was on the wagon for two months

and then fell of again.

So she left.

I just can't be the same all the time.

I get bored.

Life's better when you feel good, then bad, then good again.

Give her a lift.

There's already no room in the car.

Give her a lift.

Give her a lift.

- Where are you headed? - I don't care.

Give her a lift.

Give her a lift.

Fine, get in.

Where are you headed?

Looking for happiness.

Me too.

What's your name?

Lyuba. Short for Lyubov.

"Love", huh? What do you do?

That's what I do. I'm a prostitute.

I sell my body.

Dad drank himself to death.

I've got to support Mum somehow.

Pass the bottle.

I don't like drinking

but it's the only way I can bear those bastards.

I'm a call girl.

Or, I used to be.

My pimp took all my money.

I don't want to do this any more.

I have a university degree, you know.

But I've got to help my Mum. She's really sick.

Did you let her have some?

No.

Because I don't share bottles with whores.

- Give me some. - You're driving.

What did you study?

Philosophy.

Only there is no work in philosophy.

It's easier to find work for your asshole.

A fag tried to hit on me once, so I killed him.

I was doing business with some cops I knew.

They were stationed on Red Army Street.

There's some club down the street.

We went there to talk business.

It was me and a colonel, big guy.

The fucker knew it was a gay club.

We go inside, get a table.

I look around - the walls are covered in faggy pictures.

And the waiters are winking at me.

I go, "Hey, buddy, let's get out of here."

and he goes, "Relax, let's have a drink."

I got up and headed for the door.

At the door, a waiter runs up

and hands me his phone number. Bitch.

With that sleazy smile.

So I took out my gun and shot him.

Then I went back inside and shot the colonel.

There's only one road.

Raphael said to turn left after St. Petersburg.

Pass me the bottle.

We're all out.

How's it going, soldiers?

Still winter here?

- We're looking for happiness. - Nobody has ever come back.

But the Patriarch said to let everybody through

with a warning.

It might transport you, or it might not.

Just so you know.

Yeah, I got it.

- Get out. - Why?

It doesn't transport women.

Unless they're naked - and it's winter over there, see?

Come on, move it.

Me too, I want happiness.

Everybody wants happiness.

Me too!

We can't get through here. We'll have to go around.

How come they're all facing the same direction?

They were returning from the Bell Tower.

How come the cows are still alive?

Because they're not people.

- Where are you going? - To find happiness.

You're not dressed for it.

Hop in, we'll give you a lift.

I saw you on TV.

It will transport you.

How about me?

- No, it won't transport you. - Huh, good one!

It would transport you, but you won't go.

And my old man?

It would transport him, but he won't make it.

Pull over. I'm getting out.

Why?

There's a store over there.

- How do you know? - I know everything.

- Grab a coat! - Worry about yourself.

Asshole.

Leave him alone.

Whatever.

We're here.

So...

Dress up warm.

Yura...

It's crap vodka, but it's all I found.

And they only had two glasses.

Alcohol lowers the level of radiation in blood.

How do you know?

That's what people say.

What are you getting at me for?

Whoa... Aren't you cold?

Not really.

Why did you get naked? I was joking.

Well, I wasn't joking when I said I was looking for happiness.

Hold on.

Sorry, buddy, but you won't be needing this.

He won't be needing it.

I have some excellent salted fish in the car.

My pimp owes me a lot of money.

He won't give it to me and won't let me go, either.

But I want happiness, right here and now.

Why would you need the money?

We're all going to die in a year anyway.

I disagree...

You always need money.

If I'd met you earlier

your pimp would have given you your money a long time ago.

With interest.

I had this partner.

He stole a lot of money from me.

I told him to give it back, but no.

Says, "I didn't take your money." Asshole.

Well, my buddy and I decided not to kill him.

Slipped him some Clondine, took him to the morgue

stripped him naked, and tied him to a gurney next to the stiffs.

We even put a tag on his toe and played some sad classical music.

My buddy made a recording of himself repeating

in this moving voice, "You are one of us now."

The bastard woke up and spent half the night screaming.

Next day he paid back every last penny.

Get in the car while it's still warm.

It's windy here. You'll catch a cold.

Hey musician, sing us a song.

I stood on the corner of two main streets

It was almost midnight

My thoughts dragged behind me like an old bitch

Following my shadow and breathing down my neck

Some men came up to me awkwardly

With trembling voices and hands, I saw fear in their eyes

Imagine my shock when I found out that it was just a bad hangover

I gave them money, so they wouldn't suffer

One of the poor guys kissed my hands...

I hate it. I'm so tired.

Tours, beer, fans, chicks.

I want happiness.

But there's no happiness and I don't know why.

Well, I do.

Why do monkeys have round eyes, and the Japanese - have narrow eyes?

Why did you say we're all going to die in a year?

Have you heard about the Dead Sea scrolls?

Nostradamus? The pyramids?

Of course. So what?

So all ancient civilizations

that had a connection with the Cosmos

thought that in December 2012 we'll all be fucked.

Sure, I've heard that.

Have you heard about the Ice Age?

That everybody died out like dinosaurs?

- That the Earth itself died? - Yeah. So what?

So you believe in Darwin and in monkeys.

I believe in God. Have you read the Bible?

Not all of it, but I believe in God, too.

He created everything: the Earth and the heavens.

But that was after the Ice Age, when dinosaurs went extinct.

And then they came from space and populated the land.

Blacks took Africa

white people went to Europe.

Mongoloids got Asia

and Indians took America.

That's how the so-called civilization began.

They built the pyramids in Egypt, and we still can't figure out how.

Indians also built pyramids, and we can't figure out how either.

And the Stonehenge observatory in England.

And all that stuff the Hindus did is also connected with the Cosmos.

And they all say the end of the world is coming.

You watch too many stupid TV shows.

You're the one that's stupid.

Then they devolved - couldn't adapt to our climate.

And now we, a retarded version of them

are trying to decipher each other.

You're sick in the head, Matvey.

You were right about God though.

That's why he had a son, so we'd all live in peace.

Well, it didn't work, even though he knew how it would turn out.

I think the old man is dead.

Give me a hand.

That's him gone...

End of the world, my ass.

Dad's dead

and he never got to see happiness.

Okay, let's go. We're running out of time.

They were walking back.

- Do you have a shovel? - Yes, a small one.

Go get it.

Are you nuts? We have to go.

Go get it.

Get the axe. The ground is frozen.

You go ahead. See you.

Are you dumb? The ground is frozen.

Go. I'll stay here with these guys.

And with Dad.

We're here.

I don't get it.

It didn't transport you, did it?

See that guy?

He ran around, screaming, "I want happiness."

It transported his friend, or whoever he was

but not him.

Now he's just lying there.

I want happiness.

Me too.

Who are you?

I'm a film director. Member of the European Film Academy.

And you?

I'm...

I'm just a bandit.

Have you done something bad?

Done lots bad.

I don't know what I did.

But I want happiness.

Me too.

Come, I'll show you the church. Maybe it will transport us from there.

Help me up, I broke my arm.

It transported the kid before he even got to the Bell Tower.

Over there.

Go, maybe it will transport you.

The candles just keep burning.

You know, after 9th grade

I went on an expedition

as a labourer

to the lakes around Chelyabinsk.

We took samples of healing mud from lakes.

I was rowing.

We were deep in the forest

and we found a dead lake.

The high salt concentration made it pitch black.

I went in...

...and jumped right out. It was warm

and it looked like

I was wearing

white boots

next to this black lake.

That's when I knew how I was going to die.

But I want happiness.

Me too.

Me too!

Me too!!!

Me too.

Me too.

Written and directed by Aleksey Balabanov