Original subtitles

Welcome to a Fawlty Towers exclusive.

30 years after the doors finally shut

on the world-famous Torquay hotel, we're checking in once more

to reveal the ten best bits,

as chosen by the show's star and creator, John Cleese,

now sunning himself in Southern California.

If someone stood me against the wall and said they were going to shoot me

if I didn't say what was my absolutely favourite moment,

I would actually say... Uh-uh, not yet!

You're a naughty boy, Fawlty!

Along the way, as John picks Basil's Best Bits,

we'll be revisiting the shows episode by episode,

to find out why Fawlty Towers has stood the test of time.

Fawlty Towers survives because it's

brilliantly made, brilliantly written,

immaculately performed, precision comedy.

If this was back in the States, I wouldn't board my dog here.

Fussy, is he? Poodle?

It was beautifully written and beautifully directed

and John, Connie and Andrew are wonderful people to work with.

You're only single once.

Twice can be arranged.

We'll also be talking to cast and crew about their favourite moments.

If you asked anybody,

and it certainly is one of mine, is The Germans.

I'll do the funny walk.

I don't think you can beat that moment, "Would you care for a rat?"

Would you care for rat, or...?

Not rat, filigree Siberian hamster.

Of course it's a rat! You have rats in Spain, don't you?

Or did Franco have them all shot?

My favourite line of all, "I am a doctor and I want my sausages."

I don't know why I think it's so funny.

Look, I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor and I want my sausages.

I tell you, is finish.

It's extraordinary that people still say it.

I mean, everybody loves sausages. Maybe it's that simple.

And a cavalcade of very special celebrity fans

celebrates the bits they love the best.

Go away. 'I do like the Lord Melbury one'

because it exposes Basil for what he is.

I think it is him

waking up in hospital and looking at the nurse and going...

My God, you're ugly, aren't you?

"Don't mention ze war!"

Serving a trifle for a duck.

He puts his hands in and separates this whole cake out.

Favourite moment has to be...

giving the car a damn good thrashing.

So, without further ado, let's begin at the very beginning.

Written by and starring husband and wife John Cleese and Connie Booth,

the first ever episode of Fawlty Towers arrived on our screens

on 1975 and opened with Basil battling an unhung picture

and a hotel full of riff-raff.

Have you seen the people in room six?

They've never even sat on chairs before, they're commoners.

The day isn't going well for our hapless hotel manager,

but then a certain Lord Melbury checks in.

Yes? A single room... Your name please, could I have your name?

PHONE RINGS Melbury. One second please. Hello?

Ah yes, Mr O'Reilly, it's perfectly simple.

When I asked you to build me a wall,

I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile,

you might have found time to cement them together, you know...

Fawlty is talking to the builder and then he notices that the guest

who's signing in has only signed his surname.

Would you put both your names, please?

Will you give me a date? - I only use one.

You don't have a first name?

No, I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign Melbury.

Go away. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting, Your Lordship...

I do apologise, so please accept my forgiveness.

Now, is there something, something,

anything that I can do for you? Anything?

That's excruciatingly well done.

Basil trying to be nice to people, being impressed by people.

Well, I have filled this in.

Please, don't bother with that.

Now a special room, a single? A double? A suite?

It was almost too embarrassing to watch Basil's snobbery.

He always is falling over people who have a Sir or a Lord or a...

in front of their names.

Very funny how much that means to him.

Just a single. Absolutely, how very wise if I may say so, Your Honour.

Yes, with a bath. Oh, naturally, naturally.

Naturellement. HE LAUGHS HEARTILY

It's this bizarre snobbery,

that is so perverted and it's very British and he's so dazzling at it.

I shall be staying for one or two nights... Oh, please, please.

HE RINGS BELL Manuel.

'That's one of my favourite episodes.

'Just says, "This is this bloke'

"you're going to be seeing quite a lot of and this is what he's like,"

and it was just caught in a second.

Our next moment from the first episode is when Polly the maid

reveals that Basil's lord and master isn't all he's cracked up to be.

He showed me identification.

They're watching Melbury, he's a confidence trickster. I see.

What do you mean, you see? Let's have a look at these valuables.

What are you doing? I forbid you to open that safe.

Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out.

Sybil, do not open that case, I forbid it. I have forbidden this.

I think one of my favourite bits

is the moment that Basil discovers the bricks

in Lord Melbury's briefcase.

'John just looks at the bricks,

'and then he picks one up, and that gets a laugh.'

Takes the other one, and he smells it or something,

which is such a strange thing to do and then he bangs them together.

And then in the end, he just makes a noise.

HE GRUNTS

'Like "Take it away".'

That's beautiful, it takes it out of standard sitcom area.

'It's a cruel moment and it's so funny and yet it's so poignant.'

You feel so sorry for John.

It's a wonderful moment.

Cue the first recorded explosion of Basil's simmering rage,

Well, how are you, Lord Melbury?

How are you, then? All right, mate?

How's me old mucker?

People get really, really angry when they're cross with themselves,

and it's one of those simple truths

that Basil of course exhibits all the time.

When he realises that Lord Melbury is not what he seemed to be,

he gets very, very cross because he has been humiliated.

He, Basil, has been humiliated.

Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard? Any bricks or...? Oh, no!

I do apologise. You bastard!

And I remember watching this with my parents. He just shouts "Bastard!"

really loudly. Twice, I think.

Hello, Lord Melbury.

Bastard!

It was one of those, "How will my parents react?" moments.

Do please excuse me one moment.

'I suppose the bit where he's kicking Lord Melbury...'

That's a typical John moment, I think,

when John's showing through Basil Fawlty.

Just one. Sorry, Mr Fawlty. Just one. Please!

This is another feature of the Fawlty Towers episodes,

there comes a moment when Basil just cracks.

That's why he gets so cross, he's cracking up.

That's what happens when people just lose control.

Coming up, more great moments from series one and we find out

what moment John Cleese has selected as the first of Basil's Best Bits.

Go away. Welcome back to this Fawlty Towers exclusive.

John Cleese had refused a Radio Times front cover

to promote the first episode

because he wanted people to discover it for themselves.

Less than two million did.

But that changed as the series slowly grew a strong audience,

Friday nights on BBC Two.

We used to laugh quite a lot.

Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.

Coming up, the creative genius behind the show, John Cleese,

will be revealing the first of his very favourite moments,

so keep your eye out for Basil's Best Bits.

Argh!

In the second episode to be screened, the Fawltys take a trip

to Paignton, leaving the staff in charge.

Manuel Towers, how are you?

Is nice today. Good. Goodbye.

Whilst Basil and Sybil are gone,

some Irish builders arrive with predictably catastrophic results.

Polly's been put in charge of overseeing some building alterations

but she falls asleep and during the period she's having a brief nap,

and my God, that woman is so overworked,

the hapless builder bricks over the entrance into the dining room.

Polly, what have you done with my hotel?

Polly, what have you done to my hotel? What? Look!

Oh, it's nice, I like it there. Ouch!

What have you done with my dining room door? Where is it?

Basil treats women so badly, not just by his general incompetence

but he actually is prepared to fight them, physically fight them.

Well, I mean, is that acceptable?

I just think he's a...

misanthrope generally.

I mean men, women, what have you, there's so much rage in him.

Oh, of course, there I was thinking it was your fault

because you'd been left in charge or Manuel's fault for not waking you,

and all the time it was my fault!

Oh, it's so obvious now, I've seen the light!

Well, I must be punished then, mustn't I?

You're a naughty boy, Fawlty.

Don't do it... What am I going to do?!

She's going to be back at lunchtime.

Now, wait. I'm a dead man. Do you realise? Easy...

You're dead too, we're all dead!

Don't panic. What else is there to do?!

HE MOANS MANICALLY

Shhh. We've got to call O'Reilly.

He made this mess, he can come in and clear it up.

Oh, just pull yourself together!

Come on!

I think when he threatens to hit Polly

is one of my favourite moments because it's so unexpected.

He's taking it out on anything or anybody except himself.

Again!

But then he realised, no, it's worked, slap me again!

And then he's telling her off for not hitting him hard enough.

Harder!

Right, I'll call O'Reilly.

Such a wonderful complexity of stuff going on there.

Matters get worse for Basil

when Sybil returns to find her hotel rearranged.

I'm sick to death of you.

You never learn, do you? You never, ever learn.

'I'm in the bar having a quiet drink,'

and I come in and I'm waiting to be complimented, I suppose,

by this dishy lady on the beautiful work I'd done,

and she suddenly turns nasty.

He's shoddy, he doesn't care, he's a liar and incompetent,

he's lazy, he's a half-witted thick Irish joke.

Oh, hello O'Reilly, funny, we were just talking about you

and then we got on to another Irish builder we used to know.

Oh, God, he was awful!

I was talking about you, Mr O'Reilly.

Were you, dear? I thought you were talking...

David Kelly played the Irish cowboy builder

and he played it with a mixture of cowardice

and hopelessness and drunkenness, which was quite appropriate.

I like a woman with spirit, I do, I do.

You think I'm joking, don't you?

Oh, don't smile.

Why are you smiling, Mr O'Reilly?

Well, to be perfectly honest, Mrs Fawlty, I like a woman with spirit.

Oh, do you? Is that what you like?

I do, I do. Oh, good.

I liked bashing him over the head. What did I bash him with?

Now Sybil, that's enough.

She beat us up with an umbrella.

Come on, then, give us a smile.

Nice to be able to let go and have a bash, literally!

Now collect your things and get out. Argh!

When she clouted me, and John, we really felt it.

I shouldn't bring it up because poor Pru,

she wouldn't have intended to do so,

but she did really clobber us and it was worth suffering for the art.

In the third episode,

an amorous French lady is visiting Devon in search of antiques.

Ah, Mr Fawlty, you're so charming. Well, one does one's best.

And meanwhile, a party of excitable wedding guests checks in

and Basil becomes increasingly agitated,

seeing sexual intent everywhere.

SHE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS

Are we ready? I think we are, yes.

Well, may I have your name please? Yes, it's Bruce.

Mr and Mrs Bruce. That's right.

Is it a double bed? I beg your pardon?

Has our room got a double bed?

A double bed? Yes.

We've only got one double bed, do you want that?

Oh, very much indeed, yes.

Well, I'll have to put you in number 12 then. All right.

'Basil is horrified, of course,'

because this young couple arrive

and he suddenly realizes they are not married.

They are part of this new, modern, promiscuous society

which should not be tolerated at all.

And therefore he has no way

that he is going to put them in a double room.

I think there's a letter for me.

What? There's a letter for me there. No there isn't. Yes. Jean Wilson.

Jean Wilson, is this you? Mmm-hmm.

Now what's going on here?

Well, I can't give you a double room then.

Oh, look... It's against the law.

What law? The law of England, nothing to do with me.

Nothing at all. I can give you two singles if you like.

Right in front of him, this promiscuous behaviour,

it's not correct, it's not proper.

The best thing in the episode about sex,

which demonstrates how Basil still

sees filth and depravity in everything around him

is that this guy comes to reception and asks if any chemists are open.

Do you know if there's a chemist still open?

I beg your pardon?

Do you know if there's a chemist still open?

I suppose you think this is funny, do you?

Funny? Ha, ha, ha.

No, no I really want to know.

Do you? I don't. So far as I know, the chemists are shut.

You'll have to wait till tomorrow. Sorry.

Well, in those days, chemists had only one meaning

and that was, you are going to have sex tonight,

and that's why you want to go to a chemist.

I don't suppose you've got a... Now look!

Just don't push your luck. I have a breaking point, you know.

I only want some batteries.

I don't believe it. What?

Batteries, eh? You know something?

You disgust me.

I know what people like you get up to and I think it's disgusting.

What are you talking about?

It's for my electric razor. I want to shave. Oh, yes?

I haven't shaved today. Look, see?

Electric razor, huh? Right.

Well, that's what I was referring to.

It is of course disgusting that you haven't shaved,

but understandable. Sometimes I don't shave either,

that's disgusting too so I'll have a razor sent up.

Thank you so much. Goodnight.

And it's in the wedding party that we find

the first of Basil's Best Bits,

the favourite moments personally chosen by John Cleese himself.

Once Connie and I had observed what Pru was doing with Sybil,

we took great pleasure in writing just little bits of dialogue

where she could go on being Sybil.

Basil would be in the background, of course, becoming exasperated

and I'm very fond of this very quiet little scene.

SYBIL LAUGHS

Sybil wasn't based on anyone.

That was something that we discovered as we went along.

You write a character, after a time you say a line

and somehow, you can't explain it, it feels right.

You say another line, that doesn't feel right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Audrey, any news?

Oh, dear, he hasn't.

Oh, I know.

He doesn't deserve you, Audrey, he really doesn't.

Exactly. I know you have.

I know, I know.

Oh, I know.

Are you going to go on like that all night?

What was that, Audrey?

Oh, I know.

I know. Why's she telling you, then?

I understand, dear, I really do.

I can't stand it any more. I'll go and clear the roof or something.

DOORBELL RINGS Ah, there's the front door bell, somebody's back late.

Yes, yes. I expect they forgot to get their pass key.

I know. Somebody better go and let them in.

Yes. I'll go then, shall I?

Mmm. Yes, I agree, right, I'll go then.

You know who that is, don't you? That's your pair.

The Kama Sutra set.

"Good evening, welcome to Basil Fawlty Knocking Shops Ltd".

No, dear, it's only Basil.

Our next celebrated scene from this episode

comes after John's first favourite

and it's when Basil finds himself

the focus of a flirtatious French guest.

French, hmm, so what does that mean, French?

My goodness me, that means all sorts of wickedness.

That means a lady of ill virtue, almost certainly.

She's that rapacious, predatory...

French woman that brings out all of the English neuroses about sex.

I shall sleep au naturelle tonight.

Good idea. Right.

Only it's not so much fun on your own.

Oh, well, one can always pretend.

Oh, twinge from the old leg. Better go and lie down. Goodnight.

Goodnight! Damn shrapnel.

When Mrs Peignoir could seemingly be offering him

some sort of sexual lifeline, he doesn't really know what to do.

He's flattered by it and he's certainly,

I think, enthusiastic about the idea,

but the moment it looks like possibly becoming a reality,

he's shaken to the core.

I think you've forgotten something.

Did I? Damn, well, there you go.

Your recorder. Oh, thank you.

I think she was very funny in it and I mean, she's very good,

she dredged up that fantastic French accent.

You left it in my room so you could come and get it, didn't you?

The accent that I had, I sometimes think sounds slightly Hungarian,

but there you are, I'm quite critical of my work.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: But of course, it's

very like that, "You're a very naughty man, Mr Fawlty."

I'm not having you knocking on my door in the middle of the night.

LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

I should cocoa! You naughty man!

Goodnight. Goodnight.

'The tension's building because Mrs Peignoir's flirting with him.

'Sybil arrives and knocks on the door and Basil panics,'

and thinks it's Mrs Peignoir who's come back for him,

and he tells her to go away.

Let me in, Basil. You'll meet somebody else sooner or later.

Basil! Try to control yourself. Where do you think you are? Paris?

Then he clocks it, that it's Sybil,

and this transition, how were we going to make that moment work?

Go away! My wife will hear us!

This is your wife.

Oh, what a terrible dream.

"Oh, what a terrible dream."

And that was brilliant because it was so Basil.

We've seen three episodes,

yet John's chosen just one favourite moment

which, by my calculation, means there are nine more to go.

What? So what else will he pick?

I think he'll pick the moment

when he's in the kitchen and he's in effect beating himself up.

What do you Mr and Mrs Hamilton would think?

I think the moose, probably, the talking moose.

How are you, sir?

I don't know. I don't know what John will pick.

That'll be interesting.

Come on then, give us a smile!

Welcome back to this Fawlty Towers exclusive.

Creators John Cleese and Connie Booth wrote their high farce sitcom

to include a unique parade of British talent

who'd check into the hotel each week to play against the regular cast.

Cheers. Up yours, Basil.

The next episode is a classic example,

with the great Bernard Cribbins

starring as an overly officious guest,

who just happens to check in on a day when Basil and Sybil

are on high alert for hotel inspectors.

Is it possible for me to reserve the BBC Two Channel

for the duration of this televisual feast?

Why don't you talk properly?

Basil is convinced that he's an undercover inspector

and is enraged to find out that he's just a humble purveyor of spoons.

Spoons, eh?

I'm sorry?

Sp...oons.

It's this little misunderstanding which gives us our second

Basil's Best Bit, as carefully chosen by John Cleese.

Another very favourite moment of mine is a scene

between me and Connie and Bernard Cribbins.

Bernard's always been a huge, huge favourite of mine,

and going way back, I have always loved his performance,

I was so happy that he was able to be in the Hotel Inspectors episode.

In this I'm just about to be rude to him

and then Polly, as usual, covers for me absolutely brilliantly.

I love the bit of acting that goes on

about not necessarily having to look

at someone when you're talking to them.

And that follows for about 30 seconds afterwards

and I think it's the best bit of comedy acting in Fawlty Towers.

I've changed my mind, I do not want the cheese salad,

I wish to cancel it.

I'm not used to being spoken to like that,

and I've no wish to continue my luncheon.

I do apologise if what I said seemed a trifle brusque.

Brusque? It was rude, Mr Fawlty, rude!

Well, I'm deeply sorry if it came over like that.

Nothing could have been further from my mind. You told me to shut up.

No, no, he told me to shut up.

He what? He said it to me! - I know I was looking at you,

but I was talking to Polly, wasn't I, Polly? Oh, yes.

Did you notice that I was looking at you but talking to her?

What? He was looking at you but talking to me, wasn't he?

Wasn't I? What? So you weren't being rude, were you?

Absolutely not, you see? Me?

Yes. But if you say shut up to somebody,

that's the one you want to shut up isn't it!

Well not necessarily. - I'm sorry, were you talking to me?

Yes. - I beg your pardon.

You see how easily these misunderstandings occur?

Yes, I do. - So one cheese salad, Polly.

Certainly, Mr Hutchinson.

If there's anything else, please don't hesitate to ask.

The climax to the same scene,

where Basil finally loses his rag with the salesman,

provides our next moment.

Oh, yes. Ah!

You get the confrontation of Bernie Cribbins and Basil Fawlty,

which is the irresistible force meeting the unmoveable object.

He was a bit a pain as Basil was, basically,

and the little clash was inevitable.

I'm sorry, I do not want the omelette.

It's nice. I don't want it, I've sent it back once.

Yes, give it to me. Yes, I fail to see how this can happen.

I've torn it up, you'll never see it again.

'There's this manic moment when everything explodes'

and he clamps his hands over my face.

I disappeared under his armpit at one point, I think,

and then of course you've got to knock me out and...

certainly I had to ask him to slow up a bit on the karate chop.

He's a big lad and he was knocking lumps off me.

All I wanted was a cheese salad.

It wasn't as though I'd ordered an elephant's ear on a bun!

I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous.

I'm glad we sorted...

For a man who's supposed to be running a hotel...

your behaviour, your behaviour is totally...

Is there anything else that I can get you? I can't breathe. Argh!

Cheese salad?

I can't breathe! It's all right, he's only choking!

Don't worry. A bit of cheese went the wrong way.

Never mind, he's fainted.

Manuel! Poor chap. Bit of cheese.

Yes, please.

It was the interplay between the two of them, that's what I loved,

the sheer timing and the speed of it.

There's not a line wasted,

but the way they bounced off each other was superb.

I wouldn't call it physical comedy, I'd call it pure violence.

Would you like to go in there and discuss it?

No, I'd prefer to come in here and discuss it.

Oh, fine. I'm afraid it's a bit of a mess...

'Physical comedy is one of the most satisfying things to do, I think,

'if you get it right and I thought we did it very well, actually.'

John's a very good recipient of a knee in the crotch, I will say that,

although I had to lift my knee very high. He's very tall.

Ohhh!

I'm not a violent man, Mr Fawlty.

Yes, you are! No, I'm not.

The reaction of the audience on the night,

when he finally got the pay-off with the custard pie, woof.

Ah, please, senor, Mr Fawlty want to say adios.

He wants to what? Ah, ah, oh!

You think he's going to get it in the face and smack in the crotch.

That was the one. Oh! I can still feel it.

Papers arrived, Fawlty?

Then John takes the bag and puts it there and squeezed it.

I never thought he squeezed it enough,

I wanted to see it spurting out again, but that didn't happen.

Gourmet Night at Fawlty Towers was

the first episode to get over three million viewers.

I should never have let you write that advert.

Fancy putting "No riff raff"!

But, predictably, all does not go to plan,

when a combination of drunken chefs, stalled cars

and rejected condiments conspire against him.

The thing about Basil Fawlty is that he doesn't care whether

the person he's having a fight with is elderly, dead,

a hotel inspector or a tiny child, he just doesn't care.

Is there something we can get you instead, sonny?

I'd like some bread and salad cream.

To eat? Well, there's the bread and there's the mayonnaise.

I said salad cream, stupid.

It's not unreasonable to ask for salad cream,

but as it happens, the level of pretension that Fawlty

is operating at that point is that he's moved beyond salad cream

into the superior stuff of mayonnaise.

May I ask why you don't have salad cream? I mean, most...

Well, the chef usually buys it only on special occasions, you know,

gourmet nights and so on, but when he's got a bottle,

oh, he's a genius with it.

He can unscrew the cap like Robert Carrier, it's a treat to watch,

and then...right on the plate.

He thinks of this boy as common for wanting salad cream.

I'll tell him to get some salad cream.

You never know when Henry Kissinger's going to drop in.

Oh, sorry, sorry about that.

We always had salad cream, I think.

I was slightly offended by that episode.

Basil hopes to restore some decorum later in the evening,

welcoming his more distinguished guests

for his inaugural gourmet night.

My favourite moment on the gourmet night,

when they're all meeting before they go in to the meal,

he's got the names wrong and he can't deal with it,

and he's just digging himself deeper and deeper into this pit.

There is one man who turns up and he's Twitchen.

'The problem is there's another person who'd come before

'who does have a twitch.' Ah, good.

Colonel. Colonel and Mrs Hall?

May I introduce Mr and Mrs...

Have you met? No, no, we haven't.

Have you? No. Oh, good. Well, what would you like to drink then?

He realises at that second he can't say what he's about to say.

If he had, Colonel Hall would have been introduced to Mr Twitchens,

all would have been well.

No, no, we still don't know the name.

Oh, Fawlty, Basil Fawlty. Yes... No, no! Theirs.

Oh, theirs. I'm so sorry, I thought you meant yours...

HE CACKLES

Warm, isn't it? I could do with a drink too, so another sherry?

Aren't you going to introduce us? Didn't I? No. Oh, sorry.

This is Mr and Mrs... HE MUMBLES

What?

Mr and Mrs...

Ah!

John's falls throughout Fawlty Towers are absolutely wonderful.

He goes down like a tree that's been felled,

and it's his way of getting out of having to deal with a situation.

It's absolutely hysterical.

Instead of just saying, "I've got to leave the room," he just collapses.

With his Gourmet Night falling apart,

Basil tries to salvage the evening

by driving to a local restaurant for

supplies after his own chef is too drunk to cook.

All the ingredients for a classic comedy moment,

adding up to a delicious portion of TV history.

Come on. Come on!

It's probably everyone's favourite moment,

but it has to be Basil beating the car up.

Cars can be a nuisance.

Start, you vicious bastard, come on!

Oh, my God! I'm warning you, if you don't start...

I don't think it can mean as much to young people now.

I mean, cars now all work.

20, 30, 40, 50 years ago, cars didn't work,

and you had one chance in 50 or 30, or whatever it was,

that that morning, the bloody thing won't start.

Right, that's it! I've had enough!

You've tried it on just once too often! Right...

That really made me laugh a lot. It was the way he disappeared

and they held the shot for quite a long time,

just long enough, really, to think, "Where the Dickens has he gone?"

Well, don't say I haven't warned you!

I've laid it on the line to you time and time again!

Right, well, this is it!

I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!

I figured, like everybody else, I'm sure, that he was running home,

and instead he comes back on screen.

And he was obviously snapping off a branch to whack it with.

And it's just a sort of pathetic attempt

to sort of deal with technology, by hitting it with a tree!

How do you top a moment like that?

Well, like this, according to John Cleese,

as he picks the third of his personal favourites.

I guess that the next little scene is my personal favourite

from the point of view of J Cleese, brackets, actor,

and it's a moment of great hope for all of us,

when Basil discovers

that what he's got under the lid is not duck,

but he thinks there might be some duck there anyway.

So Uncle Ted comes in with his crate of Brown Ale and...

SHE CACKLES

...and mother says, "Oh, Ted, look who's here," and he says...

SHE CACKLES AGAIN

OK, Polly. OK.

Got the sauces? Got them. Right.

When someone has a moment of utter disaster coming up,

and the more puffed up they are before it,

the further they have to fall, and it's terribly simple,

it's almost mechanics, but it always works.

Ah! Ladies and gentlemen...so sorry to have kept you waiting.

You take the top off,

realise, and then put it down again,

as though that might somehow change things.

Well, who's for trifle?

What? Trifle for you, Mrs Hall?

What about the duck, Fawlty?

Duck's off, sorry.

I love the optimism,

the fact there's just a chance that we might...

the fact that there might just be a duck

hidden in this horrible pink blancmange,

if only they looked carefully.

That's all it is, it's the... it's the hope.

I can speak English...

After the break, more of Basil's Best Bits,

as mein host welcomes some very special European guests.

Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you!

Welcome back to Basil's Best Bits,

as John Cleese picks his favourite Fawlty Towers moments.

It's hard to believe that less than 3.5 million people tuned in

to watch the next episode when it went out.

It's up.

It's down again.

An incalculable number of fans across the globe

have since revelled in this little piece of TV history.

The episode opens with Sybil finding herself in hospital

for an ingrowing toenail operation.

BASIL: Oh, yes, how is the old toenail?

Still growing in, hmm? Still burrowing its way down to the bone?

Still macheteing its way through the nerve, eh?

Basil is left to get on with the

serious business of running the hotel.

On the agenda, testing the fire drill,

welcoming a party of Germans

and hanging a certain decorative hunting trophy.

How are you, sir?

You see, I speak English well.

I learn it from a book.

I liked the scene with the moose, it's a nice sort...

It's a clumsy prop.

But it was a lovely idea for the Major

to think he's really got the DTs now.

How are you, sir?

I can speak English.

The Major can't see Manuel but he can see the moose,

so he thinks the moose is talking to him,

and it's just...a fantastically funny scene.

MANUEL: It's a beautiful day today.

Is it? Oh, all right.

Yes, yes, I suppose it is.

Yes. I can speak English.

I learn it from a book.

Did you? Did you really?

It shouldn't work. It's too silly.

But the great thing about Fawlty Towers is they know that this

is an impossible scene but they think if they act it really well,

the audience will so want to believe it, that they will enjoy it,

and, of course, that's the confidence of the show.

Andy should get a medal for what he went through in Fawlty Towers.

He was attacked, set on fire, abused and everything.

Andrew Sachs? No, no, never damaged him at all, never, never.

No. Health and safety looked after him very well.

Ah!

Oh, no, no, no, no, please.

No, no, no, no. Ah!

It is quite an alarming sight, Manuel in the kitchen catching fire.

You think, "Well, so much for realism,

but, you know, this is getting a bit, you know...

This is over the top. Manuel is on fire!"

Fuego! Ah!

HE SHRIEKS

Properly rehearsed, it shouldn't hurt at all,

and normally it didn't.

There were one or two exceptions.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

No, no! Yes!

Si! Si! No, look, will you get back in there?

When I appear outside the kitchen with my jacket smoking,

that smoke was created with the use of two chemicals on each other,

and they create the smoke.

ALARM RINGS Mr Fawlty, it's fire!

Did you hear what I said? No, but it's fire!

Is no fire. Is only drill!

It was getting very warm,

and I thought, "This can't be right," but I carried on.

Then it got a bit too hot, and I said, "I've got to stop, sorry.

Can we just take my jacket off?"

Took the jacket off and it was red raw,

acid burns I had on my shoulder.

You save me.

And that hurt.

So if you ever see that episode,

be sympathetic to my pain.

After a knock on the head and a quick trip to the hospital,

Basil deals with a party of European tourists.

Cue one of the most famous scenes in sitcom history.

Entschuldigen Sie bitte, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?

I'm sorry, could you say that again? Do you speak German?

Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you!

There's a lot of times in Fawlty Towers where John Cleese,

through Basil Fawlty, will push it further than most people would go.

Basil hit on the head can go even further than that.

Here's the plan. I'll stand there and ask them

if they want something to drink before the war.

Before their lunch! Before their lunch.

Don't mention the war!

He's trying so hard to be the gracious host,

but his hatred of Germany and his hatred of the Hun

is so ingrained in him that he can't.

You can see in his mind, he's thinking,

"I must not talk about the war,"

but it's almost as if the more he tells himself he mustn't do it,

the more he does, and it has got some great jokes in it.

I am the owner of Fawlty Towers, and may I welcome your war...

Your war, you all, you all, you all,

and hope that your stay will be a happy one.

Now, would you like to eat first

or would you like a drink before the war?

Meaning that trespassers will be tied up with piano wire.

Sorry! Sorry!

It manages to do something that's very, very hard to do,

because it's politically incorrect to mention anything about the war,

and so it's a kind of Tourette thing, whatever you shouldn't say comes out.

Listen, don't mention the war.

I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

So, it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it,

so that's two egg mayonnaise,

a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads.

There's no halfways about it, this is very heavy,

very, very heavy rudeness of an enormous kind,

and inescapable, that's the thing.

Sorry, I got confused 'cause everyone keeps mentioning the war.

That's what's so wonderful about Basil Fawlty,

he's barely under control.

He's constantly trying to tramp it down.

Would you stop talking about the war? Me? You started it.

We did not start it.

Yes, you did, you invaded Poland.

I guess The Germans is a pretty good example of the sort of script

which probably wouldn't be anything like as funny

if it weren't performed by John Cleese,

and that's certainly true of the goose-stepping moment.

Here, watch. Who's this then?

SCREAMS IN GERMAN

I'll do the funny walk!

SHOUTS IN GERMAN

That's the moment where he's wonderful, because he's free

and lots of people, mentally, that's where they want to be,

they want to just say things.

Stop it! I'm trying to cheer her up, you stupid Kraut!

Cut through all the cleverness of the scenario and depth of the character,

it's John Cleese doing a funny walk, and it doesn't get better than that.

We may think that was one of the funniest scenes ever,

but John Cleese begs to differ.

In fact, he's picked something totally different

as his fourth best bit.

Most alarming.

Everyone will think of Basil's silly walking or goose-stepping around,

and that's not what I've chosen because I know that's funny,

but it's just physical humour, which is not hard to write.

It may be good to perform, but not hard to write.

So I'm going to choose what is the best bit for me of that episode,

which comes before the Germans come on the scene,

and it's called the fire drill.

ALARM RINGS

Well, what's she put that on... Oh, I might have guessed.

Sorry, Major, only the burglar alarm, sorry. What?

Sorry, Miss Tibbs. What?

That was the burglar alarm, fire drill's not for a couple of minutes.

Excuse me. Burglars, Fawlty? No, my wife left the...

Excuse me? Yes?

That wasn't the fire bell. That was the... I thought there was a drill.

Yes, at 12 o'clock, but not yet. But it is 12 o'clock.

Not quite. Thank you. Excuse me. Yes? Well, I make it 12 o'clock.

I'm afraid that wasn't...

What time do you make it major? - Burglars about, I think.

It doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started.

What? - It hasn't started yet.

But that was the bell, wasn't it? No.

I do love ensemble acting, when a whole lot of funny people are there,

because the quality of the humour changes

depending on the person who's actually speaking,

where the focus is, and it gives a richness to it.

That was the burglar alarm. See? The burglar alarm? Yes!

Are there burglars? Evidently.

No, look, it's perfectly simple!

We have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell!

That wasn't the fire bell, right?!

How were we supposed to know that?

It doesn't sound like the fire bell! It did.

It didn't! It did!

No, it didn't! The fire bell is a different... It's a semitone higher!

What I loved about that particular scene was Basil's attempt

to use logic to explain the situation that had arisen,

which, you know, there are a lot of coincidences in it,

and his utter failure to get across to people.

Then you run into this problem about fire drills,

when they announce that they will be at a certain time.

Anyway, the fire drill doesn't start till 12 o'clock!

It is 12 o'clock! - Well, it is now,

but that's because we've been standing about arguing about it.

Look! How on earth can you expect us to tell which bell is which? Oh.

We haven't heard them yet, have we?

You want to hear them? Right, suits me. Here's the burglar alarm:

Ought we to catch them first? There aren't any!

Then why does the alarm keep going? All right, got that? Right.

What's happening now?

ALARM STOPS Now, here is the fire bell.

ALARM RINGS It's a completely different sound, listen.

Well, where are you all going?! Well, there is a drill, isn't there?

No, no, no, no, no, no, this is so that you can hear the bell

so you know in a moment when I ring the bell!

What are you doing?! Will you come back?!

I just love the chaos that ensues,

and there's a logical tightness to it that pleases me.

Now... PHONE RINGS

We're having it!!

And John has some more surprises in store after the break.

After a hiatus of nearly four years,

Fawlty Towers returned for a second series in 1979.

Despite divorcing during the break,

writing team John Cleese and Connie Booth delivered an even bigger hit,

with viewing figures consistently reaching ten million and beyond.

Hot dog.

Coming up, the man behind the show's success, John Cleese,

will be remembering his personal favourite moments,

so keep your eye out for more of Basil's Best Bits.

Is this a piece of your brain?

It's business as usual at the start of the second series,

with Basil trying to prevent Sybil finding out

that he's had a bet on a horse,

whilst a deaf and extremely fussy old lady checks into the hotel.

LADY: I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation,

so please make sure I have it.

MANUEL: Que?

Soon, the grumpy Mrs Richards causes havoc at Fawlty Towers.

Some of the best moments, it becomes clear,

is when Basil meets somebody as aggressive as him,

when he's got a really worthy opponent,

not somebody he can browbeat.

When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.

You've got a bath.

I'm not paying £7.20 per night, plus VAT, for a room without a bath.

There is your bath.

You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse.

It's disgraceful.

I wish you were a mouse.

For once, we're on Basil's side she's a horrible old trout,

and we really enjoy his sarcasm, and no-one does sarcasm like John Cleese.

I asked for a room with a view.

Deaf, mad and blind.

This is the view, as far as I can remember, madam.

Yes, yes, this is it.

When I pay for a view,

I expect something more interesting than that.

That is Torquay, madam. It's not good enough.

Of course, this triggers the great speech by Fawlty.

This is almost, monologue-wise, this is "to be or not to be".

Well, may I ask what you were

expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window?

Sydney Opera House, perhaps?

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?

Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically... Don't be silly.

I expect to be able to see the sea.

You can see the sea. It's over there, between the land and the sky.

I need a telescope to see that.

Well, may I suggest you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea?

Or preferably in it.

Things get worse for Basil when

Sybil nearly finds out that he's won money on a horse.

Cue some quick thinking by the staff.

Polly is really a sympathetic character

because she is the voice of sanity,

the still calm around which the madness happens,

and yet she does try to get Basil out of holes!

The money in the office?

You were counting it. Did someone hand it in?

Oh, no. No, it's mine.

Yours?

I won it.

Sybil then asks Polly what the name of the horse was

and Polly doesn't know because she's not put the bet on,

so there's then the scene where Basil has to

kind of mime the name of the horse to Polly

while Sybil isn't looking,

and gets it completely...

It's like a big game of charades really.

The name? Oh... I've gone blank.

Birdbrain. No, no, no, that came in third.

CONNIE BOOTH: Polly almost loses it, because she's not getting it,

she wants to rescue Basil, and she's reaching for something,

so we see her as slightly tentative, and she may lose it.

Fishwife. What?

No. No, not... Small...

Fly. Fly!

You know Sybil sort of knows that Fawlty's there and he's doing it,

and for some reason Sybil doesn't turn round,

she doesn't want to confront the fact that her husband is lying,

so she's going to actually drive this game of mime to its conclusion.

Flying Tart.

No! No, no,

it got off to a flying start, and its name...was Dragonfly.

Thank you, Polly.

We have a sure-fire winner for you now.

Yes it's the fifth of Basil's Ten Best Bits, the moments picked

by John Cleese as his personal favourites.

It's funny because people are fond of Basil,

who really is in fact of course an absolutely horrible creature.

If you had to spend five minutes sitting next to Basil at dinner,

you would hate him, but he makes us laugh, so we forgive him,

and here he is at his most hateful,

taking advantage of a woman with hearing problems.

Mrs Richards, how very nice to see you! Are you enjoying your stay?!

There's no need to shout. I have my hearing aid on.

Oh. Mrs Richards, I've explained to my husband...

I've just been up to my room.

£85 has been taken from my bag,

which I had hidden under the mattress.

Oh, yes? It's a disgrace.

I haven't been here a day. What sort of staff do you employ?

Mrs Richards... If you knew anything about running a hotel,

this sort of thing wouldn't happen. Well, what have you got to say?

HE MIMES SPEECH

What?

HE CONTINUES TO MIME

(Basil!)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I haven't got it turned up enough.

Basil!

I SAID...

Oh, oh, my head, my head.

Has it come away?

People love that scene, and it is extraordinarily savage

to take advantage of someone's handicap in that way.

Did you bang your head? Yes, yes.

But you can do it because Mrs Richards comes over as so unpleasant

and so bossy and unsympathetic,

it's OK, but you have to establish that first,

then it's all right to have a go at her.

My money's been taken. Yes, yes, I know, try not to speak.

Is this a piece of your brain?

Is this a piece of your brain?

Right, OK, great gag.

So we're doing this in rehearsals

and I noticed that he didn't do that gag.

He didn't pick it out. They'd decided not to do it,

and I said to him afterwards, I said, "Why did you lose that?"

and he said, "Well, we didn't like it very much."

I said, "You're mad, you've got to do it,"

and he actually put it back. It's my one contribution to rescuing the script.

At the end of the episode,

a mix-up with some money gives Basil another taste of victory.

But can it last?

When he thinks he's won, when he thinks, once,

for once, the fates are kind to Basil Fawlty,

the glee, it's so profound.

I'm £10 up on the deal. £10 up?

Yes, yes, it's 95. Even if I give her ten, I'm still ten up.

Polly, for the first time in my life, I'm ahead, I'm winning!

HE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY

Could it be that, as ludicrous as these situations are,

just once in a while Basil makes a couple of quid on the side?

No, of course not.

What's that?

This is mine.

What's that, Basil?

HE YELPS

It's mine. What?

It's the money I won on the horse.

Oh, that's right, dear, Polly asked me to put it in the safe for her.

So that's all sorted out.

This is your money, Polly.

This is your beautiful vase mrs. Richards..

Fawlty, you did give me that money.

You won it on that horse.

Ah! Ah!

SMASHING

That cost £75.

I remember doing the maths on this and I think he's still ten quid up.

Not that I was an obsessive schoolboy or anything,

but I think I worked out that he was actually still up,

not as much as he was, but ten quid, that's a lot,

nearly £1,000 in today's money.

Basil's a lot happier in the next episode,

when he finds out that a couple checking in are doctors.

You're two doctors? Yes.

Well, how did you become two doctors? Hmm?

I mean, did you take the exam twice?

When one of them turns out to be a psychiatrist,

Basil becomes paranoid.

The question, "How often do you manage it?"

in the world of British comedy

and indeed possibly in Britain in general

it will always be understood as to be the word "it"

always refers to sex. That's just a convention of British life.

So somehow the fact that they were talking about being in Torquay

for a weekend and where do you go for your holiday,

holiday sex, it worked out very nicely.

If you would just sign that. Thank you so much.

Yes. We were just speculating how people in your profession

arrange their holidays, how often you can get away.

Hmm? How often do you manage it?

Beg your pardon?

How often can you and your wife manage it?

We're talking about, "Do you get away often for holidays?""

then he thinks we're talking about sex and, you know,

the vision of the two of them having sex is quite a nerve-racking idea.

About average, since you ask. Average?

Well, you tell me.

Well, a couple of times a year?

What?

I think probably they do do it, from time to time,

and they don't discuss it too much.

Well, we knew it must be difficult.

My wife didn't see how you could manage it at all, you know.

Well, as you've asked, two or three times a week, actually.

A week? Yes, pretty normal, isn't it?

We're quite normal down here in Torquay, you know.

The best gag in the psychiatrist episode

is where the busty woman arrives and she's really fit,

wearing a tight green T-shirt.

Here we are, this is your room. I hope it's to your liking.

View of the English Riviera down there behind the trees.

This is your bathroom, here we are.

Oh, light's not working. I'll just fix it.

John Cleese has to fix the bulb in the bathroom and the light switch

wants to do her stretches on that particular wall.

Is there a restaurant near here?

There's an awfully good little Welsh place,

Leek House, about five minutes walk.

You'd have to go straight away. Oh, that'll do fine.

Just turn left out of the gate and straight on, and it's on your right.

And he always has to explain.

"You don't understand, this is not what it seems."

I didn't know she was there, I was trying the switch.

It's pathetic, Basil. Look, Sybil, I was reaching round for the switch.

Don't bother.

The lights weren't working in the bathroom,

so I went in, checked the fitting, which was loose.

I've read about it Basil, the male menopause it's called.

Oh, and one word of advice, if you're going to grope a girl,

have the gallantry to stay in the room with her while you're doing it, hmm?

Later in the episode, a suspicious Basil becomes obsessed with finding the girl

that a leather-trousered Lothario has sneaked into his bedroom.

You are aware of our rule about visitors, are you?

Hmm? No visitors in guests' rooms after ten o'clock.

Oh. Of the opposite...sex.

No, I wasn't. Ah. But I am now.

So you'll send up the champagne, will you? What?

'There's this long haired bloke'

wearing a yellow chamois leather shirt,

and tight brown leather trousers

and a medallion,

which I'm ashamed to say all belonged to me.

Very well,

one bottle of champagne for one.

Thank you. And one glass.

That's all I'll need, unless you'd care to join me?

No, thank you, not while I'm on the job. That's when I enjoy it the most.

Mr Johnson is obviously sexually successful

and he knows he's hidden a girl in his room.

He then becomes completely paranoid because he can't find this girl.

This wall, we had some complaints from downstairs,

so I'm just giving it a check.

OK, yes, I think that's fine.

No, no, we're all right.

Fine, well, sorry to disturb you. Goodnight.

Goodnight. Goodnight. Night.

He doesn't care at all about the privacy of his guests.

That's the amazing thing about Basil Fawlty, that as a hotelier,

the guests are an irritation, basically,

and he goes in and out of all their rooms, tapping, he's tapping on doors.

Can I help you?

The bathroom. Yes, second on the left.

And it's just wonderful because it's so Basil, it's so pernickety

and detailed and so completely pointless and senseless as well.

I just came in to check the walls. Do you mind? Sorry.

And one of the wonderful moments that the public remember

is when he climbs up a ladder to look through the window

of what he thinks is a couple doing naughty things,

which they didn't do in those days.

Mr Cleese didn't choose any of these.

His next best bit is this subtle scene from the same episode.

Another favourite moment of mine

is in the episode that Connie and I wrote about the psychiatrist

being in the hotel and this very, very sexy girl,

because of course Basil has all the disapproval

'of any sexual activity

'that anyone who's not getting enough sex always shares.'

Very nice.

In this particular episode,

Basil gets caught in really quite innocent circumstances

as he goes to apologise to the very attractive Australian girl

for something that happened earlier.

Excuse me, I do apologise but I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Sorry to bother you, I thought I'd better apologise

for my husband's behaviour.

No, please, really, Mrs Fawlty.

He's going through rather a disturbed time at the moment.

No please look, I don't quite understand.

He does seem a bit worked up about something

but I'm sure there's an innocent explanation.

'I love the shot of the finger round the door.'

You don't really see it at the beginning.

It's just that that's the elephant in the room

as far as the audience is concerned.

Are they going to notice it? Are they not going to notice it?

Because he could have got away with it, you know.

If Sybil had gone out, she'd gone back in the bathroom,

he could have been out of there.

You know, it was just was the finger going to be seen?

Basil.

Hello, dear, just checking the doors.

All right, what's going on?

I was in the bathroom.

Yes, she was, dear, so I popped in

to have a look at these hinges, the ones we've been...

Do you really imagine even in your wildest dreams

that a girl like this could possibly

be interested in an ageing brilliantine stick insect like you?

A girl like who, dear?

This one, Basil, the one you've been chasing ever since she arrived.

When he was younger, I think he was probably a little bit of a lad

and then I think the relationship with Sybil

probably after a reasonable start, went a bit south.

And I suspect there hasn't been too much

carnal knowledge involved in that relationship for some time

and I think at that point people get very embarrassed about it,

because not only do you have Basil's natural

embarrassment as lower middle class English, but of course

he can't show a sexual interest in anyone.

because he's terified of the way Sybil will react.

What are you doing in there?

You know the trouble we've been having with these hinges.

All right, I came in to apologise for the incident just now, when I thought

she was the girl in Johnson's room, you remember when I put my hand on the...

Any kind of sexuality is out of bounds, which is why he's so punitive

towards anyone else who looks

as though they might be having an enjoyable time.

Six down, four more of Basil's Best Bits to go. Join us after the break.

Basil, there's a kipper sticking out of your jumper.

Now a huge success with viewers and critics alike, John and Connie added

a brand-new face to the regular cast for the second series -

cheeky chef Terry, played by Brian Hall.

Terry, this kitchen is filthy.

Filthy Towers, eh?

Tonight, for the first time,

John Cleese is sharing his all-time favourite Fawlty moments.

We've discovered six so far, the rest are soon to be revealed.

Oink, oink.

In the third episode,

an irascible American checks in late and demands a meal.

What the hell's wrong with this country?

You can't get a drink after three,

you can't eat after nine, is the war still on?

But Terry the chef refuses to work after nine o'clock,

leaving Basil to take on kitchen duties himself.

Anybody who's been to America knows

that there they have a service culture,

that the notion is

if you have a job, you do that job to the best of your ability.

It's widely acknowledged

that is not the same culture that we have in this country.

Are you telling me that you can't stay open a few minutes longer

so that we can eat properly?

Well, we can do you sandwiches. Ham? Cheese?

We want something hot. Toasted sandwiches? You're joking!

He says he wants some food,

he pays Basil money, you know, "Get me some food",

then he asks for something not terribly complicated.

Could you make me a Waldorf salad?

Oh, a...? Waldorf salad.

Well, I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

He asks for a Waldorf salad.

Basil has absolutely no idea what a Waldorf salad is.

It's just walnuts, isn't it? Fantastic, it's a lovely salad.

It's apples, walnuts, grapes, mayonnaise, celery.

What the hell's going on here?

It says hotel outside, now is this a hotel or isn't it?

Well, within reason. You know something, fella?

If this was back in the States, I wouldn't board my dog here.

Fussy, is he? Poodle?

Poodle?

I'm not getting through to you, am I?

He was a no-nonsense man

and so for him to go after Basil in the way he did was...

and Basil takes it, doesn't he?

And that leads us neatly into number seven of Basil's Best Bits,

as lovingly picked by John Cleese.

This particular moment occurs after the American has given Basil £20

to keep the chef on because they

arrived a little late and the chef was about to leave,

but Basil was unable to do a deal with Terry.

So in fact Basil has to pretend that Terry is in the kitchen,

when in fact he isn't

and just before he emerges, he's been hit on the head,

which explains the hat.

Thank you. Incidentally,

I've been talking to chef and we've sorted out what happened.

Apparently, he thought he'd already got...

That's very nice, thank you.

Thank you. ...got two orders for Waldorf salad, you see,

and in fact he had the ingredients but...

No, that's fine, doesn't matter.

...he didn't realise he didn't have enough for the second one...

Look, don't let it bother you. Anyway, this will explain everything.

What's that?

A letter. A letter. A letter from the chef.

It explains everything. A letter from the chef?

Yes. He wanted to apologise personally

but I didn't want him wasting your time so I thought...

Just forget about it, will you? I'll read it for you. I want my steak.

Oh, won't be a moment. "Dear Mr and Mrs Hamilton, I hope you are well.

"This is just a brief note to say that I take full responsibility

for the dreadful mess-ups tonight.

If I'd only listened to Mr Fawlty, none of this fiasco would have occurred.

I'd just like to tell you that

such a cock-up has never occurred in my career before

and that now everything has been sorted out,

I'll be back to my very best form. Signed, Ter..."

He's stuck in this ridiculous position where everything's going wrong

and of course he hates to take the blame himself,

so he has to blame a person who isn't even there

and I think that is a very,

very, very funny moment, when he's shouting at the pretend Terry

and playing Terry's voice as well.

I've had just about enough of this.

Harry. How could you forget about it?

"I was making another Waldorf..." Making another Waldorf salad?

What are you making another Waldorf salad for?

"Careful, Mr Fawlty."

What do you think Mr and Mrs Hamilton would think?

Mr Hamilton, may I introduce Terry, who...

Where did he go?

Where's he gone, did you see him?

Maybe he went to get something to eat.

"Where did he go?"

That's what I love about Basil.

His excuses are terrible.

They're not going to fool anyone, but at least they're quick.

Come on, honey. What is it, Harry?

We're leaving. Well, what's happened?

Eventually, the American has enough and leaves,

threatening to take the rest of the guests with him.

Because this complaint flares up with the American, they then calls to mind,

yes actually, there are quite a lot of things wrong with this hotel

and with the proprietor in general, and they start voicing it.

Of course, if this little hotel is not to your taste,

then you are free to say so, that is your privilege

and I shall of course refund your money,

I know how important it is to you Americans.

But you must remember that here in Britain

there are things that we value more,

things that perhaps in America you've rather forgotten about

but which to we British are far, far more important.

I'm not satisfied. The... what?

I'm not satisfied. No, we're not satisfied.

Well, people like you never are, are you? What? What?

One of my favourite bits is the moment

where Basil sort of reaches the nadir of hotel keeping

when he orders all the guests out of his hotel.

You ponce in here, expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

Well, I'm trying to run a hotel here.

Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that?

And it's this fact that he cannot see the connection

between waiting on people hand and foot and running a hotel.

Well, I've had 15 years of pandering to the likes of you

and I've had enough! I've had it!

Come on, pack your bags and get out. They're packed.

Order ten taxis, will you, I'll pay for them. Come on, come on.

What? What? Out, everybody out, come on, upstairs, pack your bags. Adios! Out!

The stakes are raised in the next episode,

when a sickly guest checks out during the night, permanently.

He's dead. Dead? Who?

Number eight.

Leeman? But Basil just took him his breakfast.

This presents a problem for Basil,

who thinks his out-of-date kippers may have been responsible.

It's always a test of comedy how far you're prepared to go.

Well, having someone die in the hotel, bit risky?

No, handle it easily, but having the man die

and then served breakfast, that gives it, of course, a tremendous power.

But I'd le... What are you doing? What are you doing?

I told her, I told her! I could get 20 years for this.

What? The kippers, the kippers, oh, my God.

Mr Fawlty, he's been dead for hours.

Mr. Fawlty, he's cold, he's been dead for hours,

he must have died in his sleep.

The moment I love in this is this coincidence where Fawlty finds out

there was nothing wrong with the kipper and says, "Oh, joy, joy",

just as the doctor comes in to see the dead guest.

He's stone cold. Yes.

Oh, joy.

Oh, thank you, God.

Oh, isn't it wonderful? I'm so happy. Hooray.

May I ask who...

Bit stuffy, isn't it? I'll open a window.

The doctor is there, there's a dead body there,

there's a madman at the window, Basil,

and it's all going on

and you can't imagine anybody

than Geoffrey, that face trying to glean exactly what is going on.

Well, who brought the breakfast? Who found him?

Oh. I brought the breakfast.

What's that? That's a bit of it.

A bit of what?

A bit of the breakfast.

I think my favourite moment from the episode is the kipper...

...sticking out here and what goes with it.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Basil, there's a kipper sticking out of your jumper.

Ah, there is it. I've been looking for that.

That's the other one.

Having dealt with the kippers, Basil's next challenge

is to work out where to put a dead body in a fully booked hotel.

Not only do you think, "Oh, yes, that would be awful

"for Basil, for that to happen to him",

but you think, "Yes, well, that must happen a lot in hotels".

Good morning, Manuel. Oh, good morning. Oh!

You dropped this. Oh, it's all right, leave it, no, leave it, it's heavy.

Oh, no, it's quite all right. We can manage.

Oh, it's no bother. No, no, leave it alone.

I know, if I just fold them like this. Yes, go away.

Move, Manuel, move, move, move.

Carrying a dead body around is a horrible thing in his pyjamas.

And Miss Tibbs is bound to see him, you know, they're trying to cover

him up with linen and stuff and,

you know, there's a dead body and she's nearest to death

out of all the characters, so I'd imagine it's worse for her.

I'll do it, Miss Tibbs. No, it's all right.

Ah! He's dead!

Oh, my God. It's all right, Miss Tibbs.

Shut up, shut up! Oh, my God.

Slap her. Slap her. Slap her. What?

She's hysterical, slap her. Murder! Slap her. Murder!

Slap her!

The audience, they did gasp a little bit, didn't they?

That's true.

Yes, yes, I guess they did, because she's so tiny,

but it had to be done.

Oh, spiffing. Absolutely spiffing.

Well done. Two dead, 25 to go.

It's a wonderfully choreographed, increasingly desperate search for

somewhere to dump this damn body.

Right, in there. In there.

Oh, oh, my God. Oh, sorry, sorry, coming in like that. Sorry.

The blow-up doll and then in the kitchen

and, I mean, it's wonderful, wonderful stuff.

Hello, Sybil, how are you?

Coming up, John Cleese picks Basil's very best bit.

Any ideas what that could be?

I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what John would pick.

Would he choose something which shows his great technical skill,

or will he choose a moment which was just carefully written

by him and Connie Booth?

I'm going to guess it's the conversation with the Major

where he's in the bar with a gun.

Do you need any help, Major? Don't move.

I know nothing. No, no, no, no, no.

Nothing. Now a huge success with viewers and critics alike,

the filming of the second series of Fawlty Towers

was disrupted by the industrial disputes of 1979.

And fans had to wait for the last two episodes,

which were delayed for a week and a whole six months respectively.

Do you mind?

Que?

In the first of these delayed episodes, Basil has arranged

a surprise party for Sybil,

but he's pretending he's forgotten what day it is.

17th April, well, well, well.

Does that stir any memories in you, Basil? Agincourt?

Sybil storms off, upset, so Basil tells the party goers

the ingenious excuse that she is sick in bed.

The surprise party for Sybil

is another moment when it's, like, heart-wrenching, really, and you

feel so awful for Basil the moment he realises

that he's overstepped the mark and he's actually convinced

Sybil that he doesn't know it's their wedding anniversary.

Mrs Fawlty, she go.

What? She leave, she leave, she go out.

What?

Sybil!

Oh, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, no, no, no, no! I remembered, Sybil.

This is Fawlty going beyond despair.

He's already in despair, he's always in despair and then actually

the physical act of despair, which is such a Cleese thing

to act it out so dramatically

but also in a very credible way, and then of course the guests arrive.

Everything all right?

Bit of a bump, just smoothing it out.

In Fawlty Towers, there's almost always a witness.

I mean, there's no humiliation unless someone sees it.

As Sybil's friends arrive to celebrate the happy occasion,

Basil panics. Panics and lies.

Thank you, thank you, yes. She's not well. Hmm? Sybil.

Not well? - She's in bed. That's not like Sybil.

And she's lost her voice.

We were their saddo friends.

I mean, really, did they have any friends? Really?

Probably Sybil's character does, so we were acting dregs,

they'd rustled together for this anniversary.

Where is Sybil? She's in bed. Oh, dear.

Yes, she's not well, she really mustn't see anybody. Now...

What, not at all? No. Can't we just put our heads round the corner?

No, I'm afraid not. She mustn't have any excitement.

Oh, Basil. What do you mean, "Oh, Basil"?

Well, we are her oldest friends, old man, I mean it can only do her good,

and we have come over here to see you both.

Well, I'm sorry if you've been put out.

You'll have some drinks, see your old friends,

have some laughs, but if that isn't good enough,

I'll refund your petrol for you.

Why? Why can't he say "She went out, she's not here,

she's, you know, coming"? I mean, it's just like...

He gets himself into these incredible situations.

Where are you going? I'm going to see her.

Basil, there is something very peculiar about all this.

I'm not standing here while an old friend like Sybil...

Look, look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well.

She's lost her throat and her voice hurt.

The doctor came and said it was a bit serious, not a lot, a bit.

He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back

later this afternoon and it's best for her to be on her own.

Now, what is so peculiar about that?

The episode's stand-out moment, or should that be lie-down moment,

is the eighth of John Cleese's personal favourite bits.

This is the scene where the guests have finally insisted on seeing Sybil,

so he's got Polly in bed dressed as Sybil

and in the middle of it something disastrous happens.

Sorry you're not well. Such a shame.

So we thought we'd come and wish you happy anniversary. Yes, happy an...

Oh! What's the matter?

Reg has fallen over. Are you all right, Reg? Done my ankle.

Oh, dear. You all right, Reg? Careful!

I think it was bold to start that scene almost in darkness

but I think it was because I started in radio

and I know that there are certain things that are funny,

certain sounds that are funny.

And for example the sound of somebody

kicking a metal wastepaper basket is just funny.

CLANGING

Ah! Who's that? Me. It's Kitty.

Where are you, dear? Can't we have some light in here, Basil?

Here we are.

OK? If we have the lights on, we can see the screen.

Oh, dear. Are you all right, Kitty?

I think so. Oh!

You shouldn't have gone to all this trouble, Baz.

Well, come on, come on up here. OK, you both all right?

Come on, come on round there, OK? You can see her from there.

There, everything all right, dear? Here she is. Hello, Sybil.

Oh, yes, looks...

There's something there, I can see her moving.

It's a bit dark, Basil. Yes, well, her eyes are very sensitive.

She's got her glasses. Yes, well, I'll just draw the curtains.

Yes, I know they are, dear.

It's all right, trust me, trust me, dear, trust me.

There we are. Ah!

Is that better? Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary.

When I watched it again, I was astonished that

at a couple of moments, Connie actually did look like Pru.

I couldn't quite believe that it was true, but there's one particular

shot when she could almost pass for her and I like the sheer absurdity

of Polly, who really does not want to do this,

and is just trying "Mmm, mmm", to say "No, no".

We brought you a cake. Oh, yes, here.

Have a little bit dear. Oh, oh, have a little bit, yes, go on.

Mmm, mmm. Oh, yes. Well, 15 years, eh?

And then that terrible moment when Basil looks down

and the car comes back and the whole thing collapses.

15 years, eh?

Aaah! What is it? What is it?

I just remembered something downstairs. You stay here, have a chat with Polly.

Sybil, Sybil. Shan't be a moment.

And you've forgotten, I think, that Sybil could come back.

The final episode of Fawlty Towers features a health inspector

who's less than satisfied with the service.

The only gourmets you'll find scavenging in this kitchen

will be kamikaze ones.

Thought we was in trouble there for a minute.

Basil sets about rectifying the situation, but is thwarted

by Manuel, who appears to have been keeping his own guest at the hotel.

It was the first scene that we ever got an insight into

background of Manuel and his tastes and likes, which was rather sweet,

an escape from being harangued by Basil.

# She may be the thing I can't forget

# The pleasure or the price I got to pay

# She may be the...#

Manuel, I'm sorry, this is an emergency, important, si?

The health inspector's just been, things wrong with hotel.

It was nice to see him and I like the idea of the dressing gown,

very Noel Coward in a way, wasn't it?

Now, Manuel, go up to the roof.

The roof, si. Yes. No, no, come, I haven't told you yet.

Manuel is there to be loved. I mean, he is the classic little bloke

who'se being put upon

and doesn't even understand why most of the time.

Two dead pigeons, water tank.

What is funny?

How they get up there? How they? They flew up there.

That's right.

Oink, oink, oink. Stop it. Just...

Not pigs, pigeons.

Que?

Pigeon, pigeon. Like your English!

We knew that we needed a rat, but to have a rat arrive

when the inspector arrived would be too contrived,

so I thought "Well, Manuel might have a pet rat

that was sold to him as a hamster".

What is that?

Is my hamster. Pigeon.

A hamster? Si, si. No, no, no, pigeon.

Manuel, it's a rat. Pigeon.

It's a rat. No, no, no, is hamster.

Well, of course it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you?

Or did Franco have them all shot?

Is hamster. It's a rat.

Well, I think so too. What?

I say to man in shop, "Is rat."

He say "No, no, no, is a special kind of hamster,

is filigree Siberian hamster, the only one in shop."

He make special price, only five pound.

Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel?

It was very popular here at one time.

A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia. What you do?

I'm sorry Manuel, this is a rat.

No, is hamster. Is not hamster. Hamsters are small and cuddly.

Cuddle this, you'd never play the guitar again.

Stay where you are, old chap.

Needless to say, the rat later escapes. Don't move.

Luckily, there's a professional on hand.

Basil Fawlty realises that he's seen the Major

with a gun through the corner of his eye, through his peripheral vision.

'There's something about the Major, everyone loves the Major.'

It's like of course he's had

this double barrelled shotgun in his room the whole time.

He lives at Fawlty Towers.

Don't move.

Vermin.

Obviously, he's leading this quite bizarre sheltered life now but he has

seen some action and he's going to get a chance now to shoot something.

And the fact that Basil thinks it's Germans rather than vermin

obviously is a wee extra layer of comedy and xenophobia to play with.

We haven't got any this week, Major.

Hmm? No Germans staying this week, Major. May I...

Going to shoot him, Fawlty.

Yes, Major... Hmm?

Not legal actually any more. Murder. But they're animals, Fawlty.

Oh, yes, yes, still, forgive and forget, eh? Well, pretend we do.

Eh? But they spread disease, Fawlty.

He was sitting there on that table, eating the nuts, if you please.

He's really gone this time. About that size. That with the tail.

The resultant frantic hunt for the rat provides us with

Basil's penultimate best bit.

I've chosen this next scene

because it's not only probably my favourite episode, Basil the Rat,

but it's the only scene that I can remember

where Brian Hall as Terry and Polly and Manuel and Basil

are in the same scene together

without anyone else getting in the way of their brilliant acting.

And I do think it's rather well done.

Basil? Treaties. Basil.

Yes? Here I am.

Oh. Ah, that's for me, is it? Thank you.

The rat is loose and what could be worse when you have

a health inspector than to have a rat running around?

Shall I get you some more? There's plenty... He's called Basil, is he?

Don't play dumb with me, I trusted you, you're responsible for this.

"Oh, I've got a friend who'll look after him, Mr Fawlty".

Come on. Come on out, come on. Basil's here.

Have you got him?

He's under there.

Right, I'll get him.

Cleaning behind the fridge?

You've got a lot on your mind, we didn't want to worry you.

What do you mean? A public health inspector coming after a 24-hour warning

and a rat loose in the hotel, is that what you mean?

He must have escaped, Mr Fawlty, and come back. Come back?

They home.

Oh, I see, he's a homing rat, is he?

Oh, yes, rats are amazing creatures, Mr Fawlty. I read about one once.

His owner had gone down to Penzance.

I read about that. When the chef got filleted with his own carving knife?

No, honest. Scout's honour.

We'll find him, Mr Fawlty.

Well, if you could, that would be lovely, before they close us down, super.

Let's have a little Basil hunt, shall we?

Then we'll deal with the sackings later.

I'll do the cellar. I'll do this floor. Manuel, you check your room.

Start in the bar, it was there two minutes ago. I'll do the kitchen.

There's just something about the interplay between us

that I watch with great pleasure.

We're all doing it well and timing well off each other

and the ensemble effect gives me great satisfaction.

And it's in the same setting

that our fugitive furry friend takes refuge with the guests.

Manuel finds the rat under the table

and he obviously gets really involved in this woman's legs

and she's got the posh boyfriend.

Do you mind?

Que?

We'll have one Windsor soup and one pate, please.

One Windsor soup...

Shhh!

I was very young and I have to say I was a bit wary when the box came

and the rat was let out, because they look much bigger in real life.

But because it's a rat and the legs,

and people kept saying, "Were they your legs?"

I said "Well, of course, you're not going to film somebody else's legs, are you?"

For God's sake, I didn't have much to say,

the least I could do was give my legs.

I'm so sorry, what were you saying?

The waiter wasn't listening when I was giving him our order.

He seemed more interested in my fiancee's legs.

Yes, I don't think so. In fact, I think there's a bread roll down there.

May I give my order? Oh, please, of course.

We'd like one Windsor soup and one pate and then I...

As a young starting off actress, wasn't, you know,

that aware, just thought "What a lovely job"

and "This is going to be successful, I can't wait to see this,"

and "There'll be more of them". You know, you didn't realise that,

not sounding precious but,

you know, you were going to be a very small part of

television history, really, which is what Fawlty Towers has become.

Which brings us to the last chapter in this TV history,

the moment we've all been waiting for.

The very best of Basil's Best Bits.

We asked John Cleese to revisit Fawlty Towers

to choose his ten favourite moments.

We've seen him pick out nine that he looks back at with fondness

and still tickle his fancy, which means that there's just one left to reveal.

And this just happens to be his favourite one of them all.

If someone stood me against the wall

and said they were going to shoot me

if I didn't say what was my absolutely favourite moment,

I would actually say the moment

when the rat is revealed in the biscuit tin.

And if you watch what's going on at the back, you see exactly how the tin

is moved around in such a way it can be presented

reasonably to the health inspector right at the crucial moment.

Waiter.

One momentito.

Si?

Some cheese and biscuits and a coffee, please.

Anything to follow? I've ordered some cheese and a coffee. Certainly.

Coffee, please, Sybil.

There we are, Mr Carnegie.

Polly, would you get the biscuits, please? Here they are, Fawlty. Oh.

Cheddar? Danish Blue? Edam? A little Danish Blue, please.

Certainly.

Edam? No, thank you.

Biscuits?

What I love about it was that the props department

did give us the best possible rat and I actually

had it afterwards and I had it for years, I don't know where it is now.

And there was a screw going down through the rat's body

to the bottom of the box and Connie was actually turning the rat's head

by manoeuvring the screw like that.

Which is how it could actually look at the inspector in the way that it did.

Would you care for rat, or...?

Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

I think the fact that the inspector just looks at it,

and some moment of suspension of belief.

Black or white? Hmm?

Black or white?

Black, please. Was that a...

There we are. Here are the biscuits.

Cream crackers, digestives, Ryvita.

When they then put the lid back on and then the rat's gone, he opens it

up again and he looks and the rat isn't there, and he did imagine it.

I think that's a great moment

and there's no other moment quite like that, I think, in Fawlty Towers.

I'm afraid it's started to rain again.

Those are my favourite moments and now I've had a chance to watch them again,

I agree, they're not very good.

It's a bit of a disappointment, really.

Shouldn't have done the programme.

Still, in this recession, we all need money.

I hope you'll forgive me.