All language subtitles for The.Adventures.Of.Baron.Munchausen.1988.

- Okay.
- Get back in there.

My wife's in there. And my children.

Help me.

Hurry up there. Come on.

Sergeant, get those men
back to barracks!

And so as the sun rose
over the island of Cheese

casting long shadows
through the sausage bushes

illuminating the tops
of the honey trees,

and warming the fields
of smoked salmon.

I, Baron Munchausen,
who am renowned

first and foremost
for telling the truth

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.

For while it has been my privilege...

- Oh, tighter, tighter.
- Hold steady.

How can you become a great actress
like me, poor darling

if you get blown to pieces?
Come on.

My native land.

- Oh, yeah.
- That's a good one, isn't it?

There to attempt the education

of the provincial
and narrow-minded,

and stupidly incredulous
fellow countrymen

we heaved anchor and set sail.

We heaved anchor and set sail!

- The waves. The waves!
- Oh, bugger.

- We heaved anchor and set sail.
- We are actors.

- Where the devil are the stagehands?
- Dead.

- They can't all have been killed.
- Not killed. Suicide.

Nothing to do with your acting.

- And...
- We heaved anchor...

But... But ill luck pursued me.

I was blown towards
the waiting jaws

of a whale of such prodigious size
and length

that I could not,
even with a telescope

see the end of him.

- What will become of the baron?
- What will become of the baron?

- Surely this time, there is no escape.
- Surely this time, there is no escape.

- What will become of the baron?
- What will become of the baron?

- Surely this time, there is no escape.
- Surely this time, there is no escape.

I have learned from experience

that a modicum of snuff
can be most efficacious.

Hell's bells and buckets of blood.

Where were the waves?

The waves...
You've stabbed my vitals.

- Oh, God.
- You incompetent imbecile.

It wasn't me. It was... It was her.

It wasn't me! It was him.

You big pintle.

We are supposed to be
professionals.

And we're trying to stay alive.

- Sally.
- All right. All right.

Now, stay in here
or I shall lock you up.

- Where's my brother?
- What?

You haven't got a brother.

Then you just tell me why it says
"Henry Salt and Son."

I'm your daughter.

Should never have taught you to read.
"And Son" is traditional.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

No. The sultan's demands
are still not sufficiently rational.

The only lasting peace is one based
on reason and scientific principle.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Jackson.

The first act didn't go
quite as we would have liked.

One or two little technical problems.

Oh, please don't apologise, Mr. Salt.

I'm sure you're doing your best
in very trying circumstances.

- Your attention.
- Excuse me.

They're our soldiers.

The officer who risked his life

- by single-handedly destroying...
- Six.

- Six enemy cannon and rescuing...
- Ten.

10 of our men held captive
by the Turk.

Yes, sir.

The officer about whom
we've heard so much.

I suppose so, sir.

Always taking risks far beyond
the call of duty.

I only did my best, sir.

Have him executed at once.

Yes, sir.

- Come along.
- This behaviour is demoralizing,

for ordinary soldiers and citizens
who are trying to lead normal

simple, unexceptional lives.

Things are difficult enough as it is
without these people rocking the boat.

Constantinople.

The court of the Grand Turk.

What a surprise

that a passing zephyr.

Should waft me here.

Perhaps fate wishes me
to teach the sultan

a lesson or two.

His Highness, the sultan,
loved a good wine,

and could never resist a wager

characteristics that were
to cost him dear.

Lies. Lies!

The scoundrels. I won't put up with it.
It's intolerable.

- Stop this travesty. Stop it.
- I think we should...

It's an insult. An indignity.

I've never seen so much rubbish
in all my life.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

- One day, after a sumptuous dinner...
- Outrageous!

- Is this supposed to happen?
- Yes, I think so, sir.

Bade me to accompany him
to his private apartments.

Please. No, no, no.
Please leave the stage.

This blackguard's an impostor.

I am the Baron Munchausen.

- And I won't be made a fool of.
- Please, leave. Don't come up here.

We are presenting a performance.

You are presenting a mockery.

You present me
as if I were a ridiculous fiction.

- A joke. I won't have it.
- Get off!

- Get him out of here.
- What the devil's going on?

Come and see.

Curtain!

Curtain!

Get off. Get him off, get him off.
Get him off.

You're ruining the show!

Quick, Jeremy, Bill, do something.
I must talk with my audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must

I must apologise for this...

This most dreadful occurrence.
I can assure you that

we will endeavour to continue
the performance

as advertised in your sheet.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Beautiful ladies.

- Hello.
- Beautiful ladies.

You have really great taste, sir.

Otherwise, it's all quite wrong.

Listen, cocky,
we've got a show to do.

Good Lord. Bert hold.

Who's Bert hold?

How on earth...?

It's marvellous to see you.
How are you?

Where have you been?

How are your legs?

- Where are the others?
- Sally, come away.

Albrecht.

Adolphus.

Gustavus.

I can't believe it. This is miraculous.

I'm Bill.

- He's Bill.
- Is he still here?

Will you get rid of him,
for goodness' sake?

- What is the matter?
- I'm terribly sorry, sir.

We're just about to start
the second act afresh.

- If you would just...
- Who is this?

I've no idea. Some old lunatic.

He's Baron Munchausen.

Oh, I see.

The real Baron Munchausen.

Yes, indeed.

And who, sir, may I ask, are you?

A public servant.

I am responsible for,
among other things

the licensing of this theatre.

This, sir.

Is the Right Ordinary
Horatio Jackson

who just happens to be
winning the war and saving the city.

Now, please leave us.

He's an ass.

Only I can end this war.

Explain yourself.

I can end it because I began it.

I am the cause.

I'm afraid, sir, you have rather
a weak grasp of reality.

Your reality, sir.

Is lies and balderdash.

And I'm delighted to say that
I have no grasp of it whatsoever.

- This man obviously needs a doctor.
- Doctor? Doctor?

We will continue with the show.
Thank you, Your Ordinariness.

Right. Off.

Please. Please be reasonable.

If we don't get on with it

he'll throw us to the Turks.

I'll get on with it.
Show them how it should be.

My lords. Ladies and gentlemen.

- Baron Munchausen at your service.
- Pruned any noses recently?

- Give us a song!
- Now, wait, wait.

- Most of you won't remember me...
- Get him off there.

Or my adventures.

But I assure you

- they are true.
- Let's have it, then.

The truth is

I am the cause of this siege.

- Don't be stupid.
- What about the Turks?

You're the cause of the
border dispute, are you?

- It's the sea routes we're fighting for.
- No, it isn't.

- That was last time.
- Get him out.

You poor, deluded fools.

If you would only do me
the courtesy

of accepting the word
of a gentleman.

I will reveal the true cause
of this war.

After my...

Oh, dear.

After my return from Egypt

I was most warmly welcomed

by the Grand Turk.

His Highness, the sultan

who knew of my reputation,

and held me in high esteem.

In fact, so delighted was he
with my company

that he offered me access
to his harem.

- One day...
- Go on. Go on.

The sultan brought me a bottle
of his favourite Tokay.

Thank you.

What do you think of that, eh?

Not bad.

Not bad?

My dear Munchausen,
it's impossible to find better.

Humbug, Your Majesty.

What do you wager
that I won't procure

within the hour, a bottle of Tokay
far superior to this

from the imperial cellar at Vienna

a mere thousand-odd miles away?

Accept my challenge.

If I don't succeed,
you may cut off my head.

These are my stakes,
what are yours?

I accept.

And if you succeed,
you may take from my treasury

as much treasure
as the strongest man can carry.

Agreed. Give me pen and ink,

and I will write to the empress
immediately.

Bert hold?

Bert hold!

Coming!

Oh, blast. Sorry, gents, I've gotta go.

Take this to Vienna.

To the empress.

She will give you a bottle of wine.

Bring it straight to me.

Right-o.

Perhaps you would care for a little
light entertainment while you wait.

I have been composing
a short opera.

Would you like to hear a song?

- No, thank you.
- Oh, you'll love it.

It's a comedy.

It's called The Torturer's Apprentice.

Here's the overture.

The curtain...

The curtain rises on a typical,
everyday torture chamber.

Yosrick, the young apprentice

sings of his joy in his job.

A torturer's apprentice.

Went his merry way
To work one day

I bend and stretch.

And ply my trade
Making people all afraid.

But things look black
Business is slack.

There's no one on the rack but me.

Act 4 is set in an abattoir.

I see a lot of slapstick.

We begin with the arrival
of the eunuchs' chorus, who sing:

"Cut Off in My Prime,
Mein Herz, Mein Herz."

Cut off in my prime.

Surrounded by beautiful women.

All the time.

A eunuch's life is hard.

A eunuch's life is hard.

A eunuch's life is hard.

And nothing else.

Excuse me a moment.

Oh, you won't want to miss this aria.

It reminds me of my school days
in England.

Life is rather like a game.

It's important that you win.

And though it seem
A terrible shame.

If you lie and cheat and sin.

Play up and win the game.

Steady.

Where the hell's Bert hold?

- Don't know.
- I thought he was with you.

If he's not here in
three and a half minutes

the sultan is going to cut off
my head.

- And?
- "And"?

Is that all?

I'm sorry, I don't find that funny.

Do you find that funny?

This isn't a joke.

It's a wager.

A wager?

He's asleep.
I can hear him snoring.

- About 900 miles away.
- Come on.

He's under a tree.

- Near Belgrade.
- What?

- There's a bottle beside him.
- I hope he hasn't been at it.

So dol.

What's the wind speed, Gus?

Three knots.

I'm a modern man
These days, I find.

You have to be awfully cruel
To be kind

I'm a modern man You will agree.

It's either you or me.

Well.

Time's nearly up, I think.

Ready.

There.

Now.

- Not late, am I?
- No.

Not late, thank you very much.

Thanks. I needed a trim.

Much obliged.

From the empress.

Delicious.

You win.

Treasurer, allow my friend here
to take from the treasury

as much as the strongest man
can carry.

Yes.

Yes. That's it.

Thanks, squire.

I must speak with the sultan.

- What is it?
- Excellency, they've taken everything.

What?!

Right.

Gustavus.

Stop them!

Bring them back!

Gustavus, again.

Fire!

Don't shoot.

- Stand firm, my friends.
- Take cover.

Regroup.

Don't leave me.

Let me in, let me in!

And so, as you can see,
the sultan is still after my head.

Wait, stop. Don't go.

Come back, there's more.
There's more.

I haven't finished. Don't leave now.

Gustavus, Adolphus, Albrecht

we're about to make off
with the sultan's treasure.

We can't just stop.

Bert hold.

The name's Desmond, mate.

We're actors,
not figments of your imagination.

Now, get a grip.

Come back.

Come back.

Come back.

What the devil
is the sultan playing at?

It's Wednesday, isn't it?

I'm terribly sorry, sir, about the show.
One or two minor setbacks here, sir.

This theatre's closed. I want you
and your company out of this city.

Oh, no, sir, no. No, sir, please!

Sir, look at these
favourable endorsements

from all over Europe, sir.

"Mr. Salt's company holds a mirror
up to nature," Vienna Clarion.

"Great value for money,"
Paris Echo.

"A good night out," Glasgow Herald.

Just give us one second...

Here, boy. Good boy.

It's all right.

Here, boy. Here, boy.

Are you all right?

Am I dead?

No.

Blast.

Who are you really?

Baron Munchausen isn't real.

He's only in stories.

Go away. I'm trying to die.

Why?

Because I'm tired of the world,

and the world
is evidently tired of me.

But why?

- Why?
- Why? Why? Why?

Because it's all logic
and reason now.

Science, progress.

Laws of hydraulics.
Laws of social dynamics.

Laws of this, that and the other.

No place for three-legged Cyclops

in the South Seas.

No place for cucumber trees,

and oceans of wine.

No place for me.

- What happened in the story?
- What?

In the sultan's palace.
Did you escape?

- Were you killed?
- I don't know.

It was all a long time ago.
Who cares?

I do.

I'm very tired. Goodbye.

- Please tell me.
- No.

- Go on.
- Buzz off.

Tell me.

Please.

You really want to know, don't you?

Stop it!

Stop it! We'll all be killed.

And then I'll never know
the end of the story.

Wait. Wait, where are you going?

Come back. Come back!

Stop it!

Wait. Wait. Come back.

Take cover.

Wretched child.

Get that powder under cover!

No!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Get away! Stop it!

- Pipe down.
- Stop it!

- No.
- You'll get us both killed.

I thought you wanted to die.

Yes, but I'm old enough.

Gentlemen, don't you think
it would be a good idea

to silence those enemy cannon?

- No, sir.
- No?

It's Wednesday.

Oh, my. Wednesday...

The Turks
are about to storm the walls.

You really are Baron Munchausen.

This is the end. It's all over.

Generations of theatrical expertise
snuffed out

in the twinkling of an eye.

Sally? Sally!

Get off!

Sally, come here.
You cretinous, senile old fart.

Thanks to you,
we're to be thrown to the Turks.

But he is Baron Munchausen.
The real one.

- You must believe me.
- Hurry!

No, honestly, he is, he is.

- Shut up!
- But he is, and he can save us.

- Can't you?
- Shambles.

He jumped onto a cannonball.
He really did.

And he flew miles up into the sky,
above the elephants and soldiers...

- God, stop lying!
- I'm not lying. Am I?

As a matter of fact, you are.

But he did.

And those soldiers saw him too.
They'll tell you.

Oh, they're dead.

- But he did!
- No, I didn't.

Now you're lying.

I never lie.

Sally, stay here.
What's got into you?

I didn't fly miles.

It was more like a mile and a half.
And I didn't precisely fly.

I merely held on to a mortar shell
in the first instance,

and then a cannonball
on the way back.

You maniac. You've done for us.

Actually, it doesn't matter whether
you're thrown out or stay here.

The Turks are about to
take the town.

Quickly, bring those guns out!
Come on!

I was just coming into my prime.

Just on the cusp
between Romeo and King Lear.

My public will kill me
for dying at a time like this.

- Save us!
- Yes.

Save us!

- Don't disappoint me.
- Please, baron, please.

- You are a baron, aren't you?
- You're our only hope.

- You are my only hope.
- Ladies, ladies, please.

Please.

I swear that as long as I.

Hieronymus Carl Frederick
Baron von Munchausen

live and breathe,
you shall come to no harm.

You so remind me of
Catherine the Great

empress of all the Russians

whose hand in marriage
I once had the honour to decline.

They all remind you?

Yes, why not?
Some bits here, some bits there.

I have a plan.
I will set forth immediately...

To find my extraordinary servants,

and with their help, raise the siege
and save the town.

- Oh, brilliant. Oh, very good. Bravo.
- How?

Ladies,
I shall require your assistance.

- Of course.
- Anything.

Just tell us what to do.

Kindly be so good
as to remove your knickers.

Yes, well done there.

Look at all that underwear.

Isn't it beautiful?
It's like a dream come true.

It's the dawning of the age of lovely,
intimate things.

It's madness. He'll kill himself.

- Yeah, but well worth it, eh?
- What are you doing?

Enough nattering.
Keep pumping. Keep pumping.

- Better report this.
- You're right.

No, no, no.

We need a very simple plan.
These are far too complicated.

- Simplicity is of the essence.
- Sir.

Sir, those actors
have made an air balloon.

They're trying to escape.

Arrest them at once.

- Throw them out of the town.
- We can't open the gates, sir.

- Well, throw them over the walls, then.
- Yes, sir.

We can't start escaping
at a time like this.

What would future generations
think of us?

Right, follow me.

Hold it, hold it. Don't let it go.

Hold it, Adolphus.

Bring it down, bring it down.

Bring the ladder over here.

- Take care.
- Goodbye, dear.

Baron!

- Have you seen Sally?
- No.

- Thank you, my dear.
- Stop! You are under arrest!

Let go! Let go!

Shoot him down!

Take aim. Fire!

Ladies and gentlemen

I shall shortly return
with reinforcements.

Don't lose heart.

And for all those ladies
to whom I'm indebted,

for half a ton of frilly silk
and lacy linen

don't catch cold.

Stay, Argus, stay. I'll soon be back.

I will wait for you!

Come back soon.

He won't get far
on hot air and fantasy.

Blast!

Hang on, hang on.

Kids.

- Thanks.
- Now you've ruined everything.

I'll have to douse the fire
to let you down.

I'll never get off again.

- I'm going with you.
- I absolutely and utterly refuse.

If we go down now,
we'll land on the Turks.

We've got to find your servants
and get back here quickly.

That is what I had in mind.

- Where are we going?
- To the moon.

What? That'll take ages.

- No, it won't.
- Of course it will.

- Why are we going there?
- That's where I last saw Bert hold.

- Have you ever been to the moon?
- No.

Interesting place.
The king and queen are charming.

You know about
their detachable heads, don't you?

No.

Their heads go off
for intellectual pursuits

while their bodies engage
in more

bodily activities.

The trouble is their heads and bodies
don't always see eye to eye.

You do believe me, don't you?

I'm doing my best.

Are you scared?

Certainly not.

- Are you?
- Certainly not.

Grab the rope.

We're here.

You look different. Younger.

I always feel rejuvenated
by a touch of adventure.

For heaven's sake, don't you get any
younger or I'll have to find a wet nurse.

Look.

You'll find that I'm one of the king's
special favourites.

We shall receive
a right royal welcome.

Now what?

I've got you at last.

Your Majesty.

What a great pleasure it is
to see you again.

May I introduce my friend Sally?
Sally, King of the Moon.

Well, his head, at any rate.

I'm sorry, you must refer to me by
my complete title: King of Everything.

Re di Tutto,
but you may call me Ray.

You know, the moon is a very
insignificant part of my domain now.

There is so much, much,
much more.

My old friend, you seem to be
in some discomfort. What ails you?

Nothing ails me. Can you not see
that I am at one with the cosmos?

I tell you that,
and all you can say is "ah"?

What are you, blind?

Baron, let me explain it to you.

Since you were last here,
I, that is, my head

that which is left of me, where the
brilliant and important parts are.

Is now ruling and governing
the known universe.

And that which I don't know, I create.

I just created spring. But seriously,
without me, there would be nothing.

Not even you.

I think, therefore you is.

Your old friend's a lunatic.

So it would seem. He's certainly
fallen prey to delusions of grandeur.

Being in tune with
every molecule in the universe

requires a great deal
of concentration.

That is why having you on the loose,
baron, does not help.

You see, your little stories
are somewhat of a distraction to me.

You are like a mosquito
in the Taj Mahal.

I must inform you, my liege

without my adventures,
you wouldn't be here.

Well, so I am now
part of your adventures?

Well, we shall see about that, huh?

Now, baron, who created who?

I hope you'll be very comfortable.

There goes my revolting body
with the queen.

Stop. Oh, I'm tired.

Go away. Damn it, he can't hear me.

Please. Oh, you stinking,
horrible man. Leave me alone.

It's so embarrassing.
Please don't look.

Maybe he will go away.

It is hard to believe my body
and I were ever attached.

We are so totally incompatible.

I mean, he is still dangling
from the food chain,

and I am in the stars.
Oh, it is so unmetaphysi...

No. No, go away.

No. I despise you. Let me go.

No! No, no!

I'm back!

I got lips again,
and I'm gonna use them, baby.

It's me. I'm your elephant of joy.

- Give me bacio, baby.
- Yes, but eat first, darling.

That's right.
You gotta mangiare before baciare.

I missed this stuff.

You can't do that
when you don't got no mouth.

Baron.

I'm back in business.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey. You don't go nowhere.

- Baron.
- Your most wondrous Majesty.

Hey. I know you.
You're the little guy

tried to make off with my queen
last time you were here, huh?

We have no more of that,
piccolo Casanova.

What are you looking at?

Here you go, lovebirds.
I'm sure you'll be very uncomfortable.

I am free again.
Free to concentrate on higher things.

Why don't you go back
and amuse yourself in the slime, huh?

Oh, you miss me.

I'm blind.
Wait, my kingdom for a handkerchief.

Wait, don't. No, let me go.

I've got tides to regulate,
comets to direct.

I don't have time
for flatulence and orgasms.

I hate that face
you make me make, that:

Please, please, no. I don't want
any more bodily functions.

Oh, no, please, let me go.

- I don't have time for this.
- Farewell, baron.

One of the king's favourites?

This cage isn't real.

It's just part of the king's lunacy.

It seems solid enough to me.

I see we're in a not-very-helpful
frame of mind.

How are we supposed to
save the town from here?

The town is perfectly all right.

The present assault is over.
Everyone is quite safe there.

How do you know?

I just know.

What the devil?

All right, I'm coming.

Come out. Come out of there.

Help.

Come out.

Come out of there.

Stop that. What'd you do that for?

I beg your pardon,
I thought you might be unfriendly.

Of course I'm unfriendly.
You'd be unfriendly if I prodded you.

Who are you?

I can't remember.
I've been here so long.

We'll be like that if we don't escape.

Why are you here?

Oh, I'm a very wicked criminal.

What have you done?

I can't remember.

Then how do you know
you're very wicked?

Well, for one thing, I'm in here.

And for another,
I've got these shackles on.

Bert hold.

It's Bert hold.

Bert hold. It's me, the baron.

I knew I'd find you on the moon.
I'm gonna take you back to Earth.

You can help us fight the sultan.

Get off. Get off me.

You're Bert hold.
Bert hold, my old servant.

Those leg irons are to slow you down.
Stop you tearing off all over the place.

- You must be joking.
- You always wore them, remember?

- You're crackers.
- I'm Baron Munchausen.

That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?

We're wasting time.

Darling baron.

Ariadne.

I'm sorry
I could not speak to you before,

but Roger's so difficult.

Where exactly is Roger?

In bed with my body, of course.

Stop it. Stop it.

If he discovers
my head's with you...

Quickly, quickly, quickly,
climb into my hair.

Why is she making
those funny noises?

No, not there. Yes, yes, yes.

Her body is with the king,
and he is

tickling her feet.

Yes, yes, yes. No. Oh, no.

- Bert hold, come on.
- Let go of me.

- You're coming with us.
- No chance.

- Why not?
- I can't remember.

- You're not frightened, are you?
- That's it.

- Come on, help me.
- Oh, stop it.

- Hurry, hurry.
- Come on, quickly. Climb aboard.

- Give me your hand.
- Roger.

- Hold tight.
- I don't want to escape.

Oh, no.

Oh, gosh. I can't hold on.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I love this.
I'll tickle you till dawn, darling.

There we go.

Oh, there,
I wipe everything away there.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Darling, you love this, I know you do,
but you don't say anything.

Why you don't say anything?
You are a pillow biter, that's it.

Hey, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Oh, baron, I must get back to Roger
before he notices I am headless.

I quite understand.

Darling, take me with you.

- Back to Earth?
- Yes. Oh, yes.

Without your body?

I thought you loved me for myself.

Oh, I did. I mean, I do.

- Of course I do, it's just...
- We have to go.

I think you're right, aren't you?
It's impossible.

Here, take a lock of my hair.

Just a lock, cocky,
not the whole carpet.

I shall treasure it always.

The king. I must go.

Au revoir, my dear baron.

Yes. I am coming, Roger.

I'm coming.

Darling, I am going to drive you
to China. Let it out...

Darling, I am going to drive you
to China. Let it out...

Oh, my God. Where is your head?

No wonder you so quiet, eh?
I'm too rough. I knock it off, huh?

It's around here. I'll find it,
we play head-and-seek.

Hold on. Darling...

Oh, you play a trick, eh?
Darling, come out.

You're not here.
Where are you? Where...?

You are with the baron.

You are with that little man.

You told me
size don't make a difference!

Oh, you put tan a!

No head to hit. That's it!

I'll find you, baron,
and then I'll kill you.

Faster. Faster.

I'll make a baron brochette.
Sybil, Andiamo!

Come on, faster.

We can't. Bert hold can hardly move.

- Take his weights off.
- I have.

What?

He's old. He can't run anymore.

Nonsense. He's just out of practise.

- Come on, Bert hold.
- Come on.

You look for him. Nowhere to run to.
Nowhere to hide for you, baron.

What are you looking at?
Look down there. That's it.

Come on.

There he is, Sybil. Down there.

I got you now, baron!

No, wait. No, Sybil, wait.

There they are. Are you hungry,
my darling? Are you?

All right, you take the baron,
you take the bald one,

and for you, my sweet, the little girl,
because you're my favourite.

All right. Dinner is served.

Teamwork, Sybil!

- You go that way, I'll go this way.
- You're the last of your species.

Work with me, girls, stay together.

No, girls, don't split up on me now!

Mayday!

We're going down, mayday!

Sybil, don't desert me now!

I love you, Sybil!

I'm free. I'm free at last.
The body is dead.

The body is dead, long live the head.
It's finished, Finito.

Bye, body.

I shall prove a head does not need
a body to survive. I am omnipotent.

Yes. Oh, no, I got an itch.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. No, no.

- Well done, Sally, well done.
- Thanks.

Baron? Baron Munchausen.
How great to see you.

- What are you doing here?
- Get off me.

It's me, Bert hold, your old servant.

- Bert hold, remember?
- Yes, yes, we've been through all that.

- Where are we?
- On the moon.

Oh, yeah. Same old baron, eh?

- Can we go now?
- Get weaving.

Hang on. Hang on.
It's all coming back.

I've been stuck here
for over 20 years.

Ever since you were last here
on the moon.

You abandoned me here. You swine.

You toddled off
with that old Queen of Tarts,

and left me to rot in that
parrot cage, didn't you?

And now you come back here
just because it suits you

after wasting half my life
and expect me to follow you

to the ends of the Earth.

Yes.

Oh, all right.

Bert hold, do you know
where the rest of the gang are?

Not a clue.

This is precisely the sort of thing
that no one ever believes.

Right, Bert hold.

You go first.

Then Sally.

Careful.

Off you go.

That's it.

There's no more rope.

Mind out, I'm coming back up.

Wait a moment. Here.

Tie this to the end of it.

Where'd you get this from?

- I cut it from the top.
- From the top?

Naturally. Where else
do you think I'd get it from?

- But...
- Yes, yes, yes.

Splice it to the end
so that we may continue our descent.

Very clever. Great.
Why didn't I think of that?

That's why he's the baron
and I'm a prole.

We'll never rescue them now!

Two and a half percent
on the basic rate.

That's not enough.

- That's what I got to offer!
- A separate agreement for overtime.

Six percent.

Two and a half percent,
take it or leave it!

Five percent,
or no increased production.

We want more! We want more!

We want more! We want more!

I'm still in one piece.

- I think.
- I can't imagine why.

Our descent in what I take to be
the volcano of Mount Etna

should have been slowed
by a rising cushion of warm air.

Damn thing seems to have gone out.

Oh, no. Not more giants.

Can I help you tiny mortals?

I sincerely hope so.
I'm Baron Munchausen.

You may have heard of me.

My friends and I are looking
for three men.

One with exceptional eyesight

one with superb hearing
and powerful lungs,

and one who's extremely large
and strong.

Oh, we're all extremely large
and strong here.

I am Vulcan

the god.

And these are my giant employees.

The Cyclops. Who even now
are going back to work!

I'm willing to supply arms
and equipment

to anyone that's prepared
to pay the price.

Greeks, Trojans, Romans, Huns.

It's not my fault that they're crazy
enough to slaughter each other, is it?

You manky crew!

Your go-slows don't impress me,
I'm God!

I've got all the time in the universe!
Hear that? All the time, me!

You know, in the old days

the staff used to get paid,
on the dot, every thousand years.

This lot expect them every century.
Hacks. Outrageous.

What's this?

Oh, this is our prototype.

RX intercontinental

radar-sneaky,
multiwarheaded nuclear missile.

- What does it do?
- Do?

Kills the enemy.

- All the enemy?
- Aye, all of them.

All their wives, all their children,
all their sheep, all their cattle,

and all their cats and dogs.

All of them.
All of them gone for good.

That's horrible.

Well, you see, the advantage is

you don't have to see
one single one of them die.

You just sit comfortably

thousands of miles
away from the battlefield,

and simply press the button.

Well, where's the fun in that?

We cater for all sorts here.

You'd be surprised.

Would you care for
a little fodder, perhaps?

Delicious.

Aye, it's not a bad drop of tea

as far as nectar of the gods go,
you'll understand.

You can all stay as long as you like.
It's nice to have fresh company for tea.

Thank you, it'll be a pleasure.

I'm sorry, but we have to go soon.

We're in a hurry.

Here comes my midget manservant
with the pet its fours.

- Albrecht.
- Albrecht.

Baron. Bert hold.
What are you doing here?

Looking for you.

I haven't got the treasure anymore.

I spent it...
I mean, I gave it all to charity.

I don't want the treasure.
Albrecht, this is Sally.

- Sally, Albrecht.
- Hello.

Hi.

I want you to come
and help us fight the Turk again.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that. No.
Not since I've found myself.

No, no, I really...

No, I never really wanted to be
big and strong,

and lug heavy things about.

No. I now know
I want to be dainty and sensitive.

They call me their midget down here.
I love it. It's bliss.

He's gone funny.

Hello.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my dearest.

Oh, excuse me. May I introduce you
to Baron Munchausen,

and his little friend over there,
Sally,

and Bert hold.

This is Venus.

The goddess. My wife.

Madam, I am overwhelmed.

Oh, my love, my life.

Alpha and omega of my existence.
I've got something here for you.

A diamond.

For you, my precious.

You're so sweet.

Another diamond.

Madam

I am, alas, unable to offer you
so splendid a gift,

but allow me to say
that you excel in beauty

even the magnificent
Catherine the Great of Russia...

Here we go.

Whose hand in marriage
I once had the honour of declining.

- Baron, you flatter me.
- Not one jot, madam.

Not one tittle.

What a handsome

moustache.

Shall we dance?

Come and see the ballroom.

Come and see the ballroom.

Nice, isn't it? We've just had it done.

Did you know that?

I can dance. Here, watch this.

- Sally, you can dance, can't you?
- No.

Thanks a lot.

Hey!

Stop.

Baron!

Can we go now?

Hello!

Hey!

Stop it. Come down.

We've got to get back.

We've got to get back
and save the town.

Please, baron. Please?

Don't fret.
The town is in no immediate danger.

The baron's kissing your wife.

What?!

I mean, what?

You're a harlot.

Whore. Do you hear?

Whore, whore, whore!

That's enough of that, you strumpet.

No, wait, please.

- But, darling...
- Don't you "darling" me.

Do something. Save him.

Darling, don't be jealous.

Jealous? I'm not jealous. I'm...

- Give him back to me.
- Oh, excuse me.

You never let me have any friends.

I won't have you wiggling
at philanderers, you floozy.

- Floozy?
- Sir? Sir, I must assure you...

Floozy?! I am a goddess.
I can do what I like.

And I am the god, so shut up.

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
- Put him down, you brute.

- Ungrateful mortal.
- Please don't. No.

- Ungrateful mortal.
- Please don't. No.

You'll pay for this, do you hear me?

I must insist
that the lady is blameless.

Please, put the baron down.

- Now, let's not be too hasty.
- He's always like that.

No!

- What have you done to them?
- You small-minded, petty, bourgeois...

Shut up, you trollop!

What have you done to the baron?

You want the baron?

You can have the baron.

No, thanks, it's okay.
I don't need him!

Did you enjoy that?

Did I excite you?

What?

Oh, damn. I can't swim.

What's happening?
You got old again.

Well, what do you expect?

I've just been expelled
from a state of bliss.

- And it's all your fault.
- Where are we?

Answer me.

The most probable explanation,
if you're not an incurable sceptic.

Is that we've been dropped
through the centre of the world,

and come out on the other side,
somewhere in the South Seas.

- That's miles away.
- Oh, well done.

I was happy in my volcano.

- So was I.
- Look.

An island.

- Is there a volcano on it?
- Oh, shut up about your poxy volcano!

I think there is a volcano on it.

It's moving!

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with M.

It's a demon of the deep!

That begins with D, you klutz.
It's M, for monster.

- Will it eat us?
- With any luck.

Baron. Baron?

Baron!

Quick, give me a hand.

- He looks dead to me.
- He can't be dead.

Come on, then.

Place him over here.

He doesn't look very perky,
does he?

Is there a doctor in the fish?

No doctors. No doctors.

We've got to get him warm and dry.

What's that noise?

It's music.

That's not music.

Look.

There's a light.

Come on.

This way. Careful.

Excuse me. Hello?

We need some help.

Excuse me.

- We need some help.
- No doctors. No doctors.

Do I hear the baron?

Do I hear the baron?

No doctors.

Do I hear the baron?

I just said that. Use your trumpet.

Adolphus. Gustavus. Is it really you?

- Baron. Bert hold. Albrecht.
- The baron!

I don't believe it. It's a miracle.

Sally, this is Adolphus, who used to
be able to hit a bull's-eye

from halfway round the world.

And this is Gustavus

who could blow over a whole forest
with just one breath.

Those were the days, eh?

When we were young and alive.

- How do you mean?
- It's no good fighting it.

- We're not dead.
- You have to accept it.

We're all dead here. This is hell.

- Heaven.
- Hell.

- Heaven!
- Don't be stupid.

Well, sit down, relax. Have a game.

You're dead for a very long time.

Come on, come on, sit down.
Let's have a nice game.

What are you doing?

You're giving up, aren't you?

- You can't give up. I won't let you.
- Go away, clear off.

What about Rose and Daisy,
and my father and all the others?

You promised to help them.

They are perfectly safe.

They can look after themselves.

Besides, there are
more important things.

- Such as?
- Well...

You horrible little brat!

Can't you let me die in peace
once in a while?

Bucephalus. My Bucephalus.

He must have heard me shouting.

- This is a good omen, what?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Prepare a rowing boat
and be ready to leave.

Oh, my.

I have learned from experience

that a modicum of snuff
can be most efficacious.

I'll never eat fish again.

Where's the baron?

Baron?

- Baron.
- Baron!

Baron?

Baron?

Baron!

Baron, where are you?

Baron?

- It's the baron.
- The baron!

Well, come on.

I can't keep this up forever.

Look, the town. We're here.

Hey, look.

Yes, and the flag's still flying.

I told you there was nothing
to worry about.

Look out!

Oh, my God, it's the sultan's army.
Quick, back in the fish.

They're inviting us to defeat them.
We must oblige them.

On the count of three.

Gustavus,
blow them back to Asia Minor.

Adolphus,
find the sultan and shoot him.

Albrecht, row for the shore.

Bert hold, make yourself useful.
One, two, three.

Couldn't make that four, could you?

We're going down.
We're going down.

Abandon ship. Abandon ship.

I think the ship's
abandoning us, mate.

I still can't swim.

- This is absolutely dreadful.
- It's hopeless.

I've never before
been in such a disastrous rout.

I'm usually on the winning side.

If you weren't so competitive,
you wouldn't get so upset.

Albrecht's useless.

We might as well give up now.

You mustn't say that. Not you.

Now, if we begin attacking
in two directions simultaneously

we confound surprise
with confusion.

Albrecht and Gustavus will provide
the major themes to the battle

- while Adolphus and Bert hold...
- Baron.

Don't interrupt. What is it?

- This isn't going to work.
- What do you mean?

They're all old and tired now.
It isn't like it used to be.

Don't you see?

Where are you going?

Give myself up.

What?

I gave my word that I would
raise the siege and save the town.

And I gathered you all here
for that purpose.

If you want to see
Baron Munchausen again

you'd better do something about it.

You can't give yourself up.
They might kill you.

And then we'll have spent all that time
in that smelly fish for nothing.

So it's agreed.
Friday the 28th, you surrender.

- That's three weeks from tomorrow.
- No, no, no.

We can fix the details later.

No, no, no. You surrender.

With respect, sultan, we've been
through all this. You surrender.

But we're winning.

- We surrendered last time.
- So?

So now it's your turn.

What about the virgins?

Please, forget the virgins.
We're out of virgins.

Let us instead concentrate

on reaching a rational, sensible
and civilised agreement

which will guarantee a world
fit for science, progress, and...

But not Baron Munchausen.

- Baron!
- You. You old lunatic.

- I'm afraid so.
- Help, guards. Murder! Murder!

Who let this man into my tent?

Sultan, if you are still interested
in my head

it's yours.

I'm tired of it.

Send for the executioner.

So, Mr. Jackson,
still the rational man?

How many people have perished
in your logical little war?

There are certain rules, sir,
to the proper conduct of living.

We cannot fly to the moon.

We cannot defy death.

We must face the facts.

Not the folly of fantasists like you,
who do not live in the real world,

and who consequently
come to a very sticky end.

Have you any famous last words?

Not yet.

"Not yet"? Is that famous?

The man's a buffoon.

Executioner, execute.

There you go.

Now.

He did it!

Bring him back.

- General, stop that man!
- Hey!

I knew we could do it!
All together, now!

Well blown, Gustavus.

- They're coming.
- Go on, go on! Hurry, hurry!

Now!

Come on, come on.

Bert hold, run.

Damn it, man. Make yourself useful.
I can't do everything.

This way.

That's the way! Bravo!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey!

Watch it!

Gently this time.

Gently.

Help!

Oh, help!

We did it. We did it!

Look, they don't believe it.
We've won! We've won!

- Good riddance, and don't come back.
- We've won!

But of course.

Oh, the joy!

Put me down.

Oh, my goodness.
I don't believe it.

He's up there. In the church tower.

- There he is.
- Shoot him!

- Damn!
- Bring a doctor!

- Quickly! Fetch a doctor!
- Sally...

Don't leave me, baron. Please.
Don't leave me.

Get off him.

Give him some air.

- Here is the doctor.
- Oh, Sally. Sally.

- It's all right.
- Take care of Sally.

- It's all right.
- No doctors.

No doctors.

No!

- Get away!
- Stop!

Leave him alone!

Sally.

- No!
- Sally's having a fit.

Leave him alone!

Stop it!

He's dead.

And that was only one
of the many occasions

on which I met my death

an experience which I don't
hesitate strongly to recommend.

And so, with the help
of my inestimable servants

I defeated the Turks
and saved the day.

And from that time forth,
everyone who had a talent for it

lived happily ever after.

Stop this nonsense at once.

You, sir, are under arrest,

for spreading ridiculous tales
at a time of great danger

when the enemy is at the gate.
Arrest him.

Open the gates.

- Hey.
- I order you to arrest that man at once.

Am I or am I not
the elected representative?

- Arrest him.
- Open the gates.

This way.

- Come on!
- Do not open the gate.

The Turk is outside,
and we are not about to surrender.

Open the gates. Open the gates.

Come on, dear ladies.
Forward the players.

Do not open the gate!

Full on, mates. Keep up.
Steady as you go.

Come back, I'm warning you.
Do not open those gates.

- This way.
- Anyone who opens those gates.

Is guilty of treason.

- Follow mel!
- Yeah.

Stop!

- The gates will remain closed.
- Open the gates.

Open the gates.

Shoot anyone
who disobeys my orders.

Ready. Take aim!

Hold your ground. Hold your ground.

Open the gates, dear friends,
and then seize the day.

Or close our minds up
with inventions, death and fear.

There's nothing
so destroys a man

as ignorant dullness
and conformity.

Grasp for the mantle. Grasp the...

No, no, no. Quite wrong.

Open the gates!

Shoot them!

Shoot these people at once!

Aye, so it's treason, is it?
Treason!

Right. You're all under arrest.

All of you!

Get in my office now!

Baron!

Bucephalus. My Bucephalus.
Good boy, good boy.

Come on. Come on.

Beautiful ladies.

Beautiful ladies.

It wasn't just a story, was it?