Original subtitles

TITLE MUSIC PLAYS

HE SLURPS

Ah.

Oh, come on.

We Larkins, we don't approve of worry, do we?

Same way as we don't approve of small portions,

or meals without ketchup.

Well, that's a wonderful attitude. Thank you kindly.

For someone appearing in court in a week.

And who could be going to prison. Primrose! You may be a brainbox,

but you've got a lot to learn about keeping up family morale.

It's my accusers, they're the ones that should be wearing

the brown trousers, if you get what I mean?

Unhappy people do unhappy things.

The Jerebohms are gonna learn the hard way.

You don't try and cheat the law, or the Law-kins.

I miss Mariette.

And Charley. This house is short of... tostesterone.

No, that's not right.

Toblerone? Testosterone.

And they'd want to be here if she knew about it.

We won't tell 'em, will we? Let 'em enjoy their honeymoon.

Get the old wanderlust out of their bones.

Then they can return after this outrageous court case is over.

Not that we're fretting about it.

I'm late for work.

You have a good day, darling. And here's a good tip.

Go for good news, find the joy.

I'm a responsible journalist, not Pollyanna.

I love a bit of mood.

Aww.

You're a vicar. You're not supposed to love people.

Of course we should love people. It's the whole basis of the Church.

Concentrate on admin, religious instruction,

and, er, perking up the sick.

I admire Primrose Larkin purely as an intelligent, caring parishioner.

Cock and bull.

I know she's only 18, but she's very emotionally mature.

More cock and bull.

Mainly cock.

I'm not going out with her!

Glad to hear it. And if you want a distraction,

you can take over some of my work.

I've already taken it all over!

Sorry, that... that was, erm... un-vicarly.

HE WHISTLES A TUNE

Whoa! Whoa! CLATTERING

Oh! Argh!

Ivor! Stop mucking about!

HE GROANS

My arm! Oof.

In fact, when Enid started here,

women had to wear bonnets and gloves.

And we began every day by singing Rule Britannia.

That's crazy! I should write a piece about it.

Don't. None of it's true.

First law of journalism - don't believe anyone,

especially other journalists. Is that true?

No. It's the third law.

First law is always get a receipt for your expenses,

second is never use the word diarrhoea.

Why not? It's just a horrible word.

Primrose, I hear your father's gonna be in court, charged with burglary.

Yes, he is. Obviously, we'll report it sensitively,

and very briefly.

No. I want it reported proudly and in full

because my Pop is honest and decent,

and literally the best father in Kent.

And I'll cover it for the newspaper.

No, no, that would be unethical.

And we need you to collate the classifieds

and the hockey results.

Which is more important, hockey or my Pop's freedom?

To the hockey fans, the hockey.

I'm a reporter. I'll be fair.

All right, but in order to avoid accusations of bias,

you'll need to use a pseudonym. We have several on file.

Jill Quimbyson, Trevor Mang.

Harry Streets, Tim Pigman. Ada O'Flaherty.

I'll make my own, thanks.

Oh, suit yourself.

Afternoon, Mrs Larkin.

It's absolutely ghastly about Mr Larkin.

Thank you, Edith, but we are strong people.

Why would Pop burgle anyone when he's already got lashings of money?

Exactly.

Though the court may uncover other motivation -

rivalry, kleptomania.

Or the sheer thrill of the snatch.

Miss Chand doesn't mean any harm. She reads a lot of detective novels.

Well, PC Harness was there, and he saw fit to arrest Mr Larkin.

That is because PC Harness is dim, and monumentally gullible.

Bless him.

All right, Mrs Larkin?

I've had better weeks, if I'm honest, Pauline.

We were just talking about your boyfriend.

I've given him an earful about how he let Pop down.

Oh, but he's a nice fella, your lad. Bright as a button.

He isn't, though, is he? I'm bored with him.

Oh.

It's like being followed around by a puppy wearing a hard blue hat.

Scum! Enemy of the people!

Come away, Miss Pilchester.

Just to be clear, we're all fully aware

that you put the Jerebohms up to this.

I know you're upset, so probably a little wobbly,

but that is slander.

Maybe we should sue you,

so you can appear in the dock with your husband.

Oh, if anyone's gonna be joining me in the dock,

it'll be you and your fellow conspirators.

Hardly. Apart from anything, our good friends, the Jerebohms,

have engaged one of the country's top lawyers.

Mr Barlow. From London. He never loses.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

You can't buy justice.

I hope.

How am I meant to get it in the paper?

Ah. It's our celebrity vicar!

Not bad, eh?

Good day to you, Miss Larkin. Good afternoon, Reverend Candy.

Thank you for joining me for lunch.

No, thank YOU.

So formal? He's briefing me

on religious matters for an article I'm keen to write.

Oh, sounds like a riot

So, seven o'clock, I need it on my desk. Tonight.

Oi.

Oi, yourself.

How are you getting on with your copper?

None of your business, Vic.

I imagine you're still burning a torch for Charley,

Mariette's husband.

Do you? I've never seen a couple

more in love on their wedding day.

I'm surprised you noticed, you old drunk.

Well, good for you, if you're happy with PC Pointless.

Fish paste sandwich? Oh, thanks.

Half a goose? Thank you.

I'm just not used to keeping secrets.

It's not the Larkin way. Especially about happy things.

I'm sorry, it's just simpler.

People think vicars are public property,

there to serve just them.

As long as you're not ashamed of me.

Of course I'm not. SHE GIGGLES

You've got fish paste in my mouth! I don't care.

Loaves and fishes?

THEY CHUCKLE

I still think it's silly, keeping it quiet.

Didn't see me.

No, it's fine. On your way.

I still can't believe people listen to what I say!

I suppose they have to.

Oh, the day gets better and better.

Don't say that.

What a waste of such pretty faces.

Quick, someone, rustle me up a smile.

Oh!

We're still worried about Pop. He's still not taking it serious.

Well, I am.

Law books from the library.

And Pop is taking it serious, in his own way,

but it's... HAMMERING

Order! Order!

HE LAUGHS

Look what I found in the dressing-up box.

Judge Pop!

Oh. Ivor's broken his arm, and everyone else is on holibobs,

so I'm gonna do the swimming pool myself.

No, you're not, darling.

The Jerebohms' lawyer is top-notch. He's from London. Never loses.

That's what they said about Hitler. What?

Come on, ease up, Ma, eh? I'm not good at the serious.

Oh, nor am I, but we're in a hole, so drop everything else -

geese, swimming pools - and we will prepare our case

so we're ready for anything they throw at us.

The textbooks do advise against representing yourself in court, Pop.

But you know what, Prim, one thing I am good at,

talking my way out of a hole. Oh, that's true.

He's a natural performer, always was.

Halfway through our first date, he whipped out his...

We know! You told us.

..mouth organ. If you're doing without a lawyer,

you'll need to rein in your natural Larkin-ness. I can tone that down.

Stress your generous nature.

Yeah, but I don't wanna boast, Ma. You don't have to.

Call character witnesses who list your good points. I'll do it!

Oh, Victoria, you're a darling.

But it can't be family.

You need to memorise some paperwork because reading isn't your forte.

Forty? I thought I was probably about a 12.

THEY LAUGH

You should use that in court, Dad. No, he really shouldn't.

SHE SNIFFLES

Thank you. Little cherub.

We'll finish building the swimming pool.

Are you sure, cabbage?

I mean, we all know you're a technical how's-yer-father,

but it's a big job.

No, we will. We wanna help.

We've been stepping out for six months now,

so I must be doing something right! Not necessarily.

But you love my uniform.

Nah, the novelty's worn off. And the helmet's just irritating.

Well, erm, OK. Er, what else am I doing wrong?

Well, you left it to the vicar

to fight off that bunch of thugs last week.

No, not bad Vicar. Good Vicar.

So I told him, "Yes, I'll baptise your dog

"if you give me your three-piece suite."

Your Rev looks like he needs a pint, and a laugh.

No, he's not really one for pleasure.

And you do that daft grin. You like it, you said it was sweet.

Now you just look like an idiot. And you arrested Pop Larkin.

He was carrying a bag full of cash, standing next to an empty safe!

I don't care! Support the decent folk.

Mariette's a cow, but Pop's always been a sweetheart.

Look, I can fix all this - the bravery,

my dribbling when we kiss, crying after we have our snookies,

and the daft grinning.

And I'll make sure Pop gets off, OK? I promise.

You're the best thing in my life, Pauline.

And that used to be being a policeman.

No, you've had a good run.

It's over.

Quiet, please.

Will the defendant please stand?

Sidney Charles Larkin, you are hereby charged

that on the 5th of July 1959,

at Bluff Court, Littlechurch, you unlawfully appropriated cash

to the value of £500

belonging to a Mrs Phyllis Mae Jerebohm

and a Mr Cuthbert Raoul Jerebohm.

Do you plead guilty, or not guilty?

What do you think?

Maybe we shouldn't have offered to do this. Yeah.

Let's just fill it with water, add a few ducks. And call it a pond.

Come on, we can do it.

Yeah. The first thing Pop can do when he's not guilty

is come home and take a swim in his new pool.

The facts are that you were found

by Mr and Mrs Jerebohm in their home, having broken in,

witnessed by Alec Norman and PC Harness,

carrying a hold-all full of banknotes,

while their safe lay open and empty.

Bit of a coincidence, in't it, eh?

Them calling a copper even before I've arrived.

Don't that say set-up to you?

It's my turn to ask the questions.

And I got a phone call ten minutes earlier

from a very weepy Pinkie Jerebohm, begging me to take over some cash

cos she needs escape funds

as her old man is bullying her and keeping her short, yeah?

Unforgivable, what she did!

No contributions from the public, please.

We threw a barbecue for them, and this is the thanks we get!

Ah, thank you, Ma. Next question. Keep 'em coming.

It's a scandal they don't allow smoking in court.

Yes, and peeing.

All right, Brigadier? Yes. It's, er, going well in there.

Yeah, looking good.

Are you all right, PC Harness?

No. Pauline's chucked me cos, apparently, I'm boring.

Oh, dear.

And irritating. Oh, dear.

And cos I let down Mr Larkin by arresting him.

Mm.

How am I gonna get Pauline back?

Are you sure you want her back?

She's quite sulky.

You're joking, aren't you?

She's the sexiest girl in the whole of Kent.

Right.

Of course, you could start by helping get Pop off

when you testify in court. Yes. That's on my list.

Now, I'm no expert in love,

but Pauline seems the type who wants what she can't have,

so make her jealous. Go out with someone else.

That's brilliant.

Actually, it's quite basic psychology.

Oh.

OK.

Hello, constable. I need the ladies'.

Speaking of which, so do I!

HE LAUGHS

Hey, Libby, are you free to go out with me?

Um...

Oh, that's such a difficult decision.

No.

Mr Norman,

you were present

when the accused committed the offence.

Yes. Mr and Mrs Jerebohm and I were foregathering

to discuss a charity donation to the Mid Kent Police,

whose work we hugely admire.

Law and order are vital

now that so many social structures are broken.

Amen to that.

This is a con! He's never given away a penny in his life!

One more outpouring and I will have you removed from this place.

Apologies. I will control myself.

That's where Mr Larkin and we three differ -

he thinks nothing of robbing his neighbours.

We are large-scale philanthropists.

He is just making things up!

That's enough! Remove that woman.

You are asking for more than a slap.

You see, Your Honours?

That's the real Pop, right there.

Terrifying.

Did you, at any time, ring the accused

and ask him to bring you money?

No, I didn't. Mr Jerebohm is kind and most generous.

I lack for nothing.

Well...

Why do you imagine Mr Larkin burgled your house?

Well, I trusted him,

so I mentioned we keep cash in our not-very-safe safe,

and the cars were parked in the garage for once,

so it looked like we were out.

Mm.

And did he, erm... have any reason to hate you?

Jealousy. Ah.

Tell me more about his, erm, jealousy.

Well, he was jealous of our big house

that he used to own, but couldn't afford to maintain.

Poor lady.

Awful experience. Hear, hear.

Want a spray? It's lovely stuff.

Covers up the stench of lies.

No?

How's it going?

Oh, it's a load of old codswallop being spoken in there,

I'll tell you that. Sorry - my mouth.

You've been slung out of worse places, Ma.

Hello, Primrose. Oh, hello.

I'm testifying shortly. Must be nerve-wracking.

I'm used to it. The important thing is we get your dad off.

Yes.

So, I hear you're footloose and fancy free.

Well, in fact, I'm...

Yes. Yes, I am.

Me, too. It feels odd.

I guess I'm very monogamous.

So you're more of a gibbon or a penguin than a lion.

So you've heard my mum talking?

SHE CHUCKLES

All right, mate? Yeah.

I wish we were there.

Ma didn't want us to see Pop having to be rude.

Yeah, he has to say things like, "The court knows you're lying."

And, "I put it to you that you're a bloody toe-rag."

Yeah, I guess he's just trying to protect us.

Whoa!

Stop that! Stop that!

Stop it! Stop it! Argh! THEY CHUCKLE

Well, they say the law is an ass. They do.

But I love an ass, don't you?

I do. I'm glad you do, too.

Mr Delamere!

Darlings. How sublime to see you.

Lost in thought? Actually, I'm researching a role.

"Man on bench"? Touche.

No, in fact, for this part,

I have to look back a lot over my life,

so I'm working on my nostalgic gaze.

Or perhaps I should add a sprinkling of hauteur?

No, I think you've got that covered. Yes, I'd agree with that.

Listen, I hear that Pop Larkin's in a bit of a bind.

Can this be true? Yes.

We're due to appear as character witnesses tomorrow.

We're wracked with nerves.

I have played so many law men.

Did you catch my Judge Bendelack in Peterborough?

No, I missed that, sadly. Me, too. Damn.

It taught me how to win over an audience.

For what is a court of law, if not a theatre?

Well, I know most people find plays a bit of a trial.

Pop's a good man. I'd love to help.

Perhaps I could talk you through the process,

use of voice and so on.

Thanks, but I don't think you... No, no, no, I insist.

For thrice is he arm'd that hath his quarrel just.

What does that mean?

Oh, I never worry about the meaning.

Hmm.

Constable Harness,

you immediately arrested Mr Larkin when you caught him red-handed.

In fact, I regret arresting Mr Larkin

because I consider him innocent.

LAWYER CHUCKLES And you say that now

because your girlfriend, Miss Malloy,

is a huge admirer of Mr Larkin, is she not?

She's, er...

She's not my girlfriend.

In any case, I have always been my own man.

Mm.

Did you search Mr Larkin when you arrested him?

Yes, I did. And what did you find?

Nothing incriminating. Ah. We'll be the judge of that.

As I recall, it was half a tube of Rolos.

That's a crime now, is it, carrying confectionery?

No. Just checking.

And what else did he have, PC Harness?

Erm, a hip flask.

And? A knife.

Ah. So, Mr Larkin was carrying a weapon.

No, no, no, it's completely normal round these parts.

It's for getting stones out from under your shoes, and... Yes.

..that sort of thing.

Let the bench note that we're now dealing with armed burglary,

which doubles the potential sentence to... two years.

Constable...

I'm having a really bad week. Please don't ask me anything.

Despite all the bad blood shown here today,

there's one thing I'm not gonna do.

Let a few snakes undermine our faith in the beauty of the human spirit?

I couldn't have put it better.

Ham, chips and a gallon of beer for tea? Yeah.

I'm so sorry. I feel terrible.

You did your best.

You're so kind. You always have been.

This is, erm, bad timing, but do you fancy going for a drink later?

Thanks, Constable, but it's a busy time.

You know, new job, Dad might go to prison... I understand.

I'm relieved, in fact, cos I'm still in love with Pauline.

Well, she's looking over at us now,

so maybe it'll help you get back with her.

Well, I'd hate for you to think that I'm using you, but, erm...

that sounds encouraging. Thank you.

Mmm.

Where's Primrose?

She said she needed to go for a long walk.

Oi, don't make me start a community sing-song.

Come on, tomorrow's another day.

Don't you need, like, professional legal help, Pop?

Even at this stage?

It's not his fault that the couple are so good at lying,

cos they've clearly had a lot of practice.

Can we come and watch tomorrow?

No, you don't wanna waste your time with that nonsense.

You still need to take it serious, Pop.

Ma, the thing I take serious is my family,

decent folk I know, and pleasures of the flesh.

Wahey! HE CHUCKLES

The rest is cobblers. Pass the gammon.

Monty, how's the pool going? Good, but we need help.

Don't worry, we'll pitch in when the case is over.

We know what we're doing.

I'd love to grab your hand

and just run through the village shouting our names.

And what would that achieve?

This doesn't feel real until we share it.

And it's not like you're a Catholic priest

who's not allowed to enjoy, you know... Yes. ..love and sex.

Yes.

No.

I was asked out today because he thought I was single,

and I couldn't say I'm not. It was really awkward.

So next time, I'll say yes and see what it's like to have a simple,

honest relationship like most people.

Well, if that's what you want to do, go ahead.

'You're in a mess, Peggy, an almighty mess,

'but I'm going to see that you get a fair trial.'

'Thank you kindly, sir.'

'Don't thank me. Thank God that we're living in a country

'where justice is within easy reach for all.'

DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

THUD 'Argh!'

Should we discuss what we've learnt, in terms of Mr Larkin's legal case?

Yes. It's terribly good, but we have been watching for a while.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm very vivid in this scene. Watch.

So, if you have heard anything regarding Valentine,

she was last seen...

What's your Christian name? Hedley. Hedley Harness?

Yeah.

No wonder you kept that quiet.

Thank you.

Evening, Pauline. I'll have a half of cider. Hedley?

I know what he likes.

Two and fourpence.

I didn't know you two were mates.

Oh, yeah, it's been bubbling up for a while.

I'll bring it over.

SHE FAKE LAUGHS Oh, dear!

Thank you.

Well, cheers. Cheers.

HE SNORTS

Oh, that's mainly Worcester sauce with a hint of pork.

DOOR SLAMS

'If the Sheriff of Nottingham

'believes he can set foot in this forest,

'then he's got another thing coming!'

CHEERING IN FILM

REEL CLATTERS

Oh.

There. Now to work.

Did I say that I'm happy with our strategy,

but I'm a bit worried that I've offended Pauline?

Yes, you did.

Oh, I should say that I have a boyfriend.

Oh. But I can't name him.

Why? Exactly!

The truth will out tomorrow,

and I, for one, am more excited even than before our wedding night.

We agreed we'd make this round last, didn't we, Norma?

Yes.

Except the truth is... that you and the Jerebohms lied in court.

So let's hope it doesn't get out.

So, this man that you're seeing... Yes.

..you want him to know that you're out with me?

Yes. I assumed that news of us coming in together

would get back to him somehow.

Mm, that might be a problem.

Oh, I think news will get back to him now.

THEY SING THE SAME NOTE

So, that's voice projection.

Now, the keys to being listened to and believed

are repeat and retard.

Retard?

Yes. Take Anthony in Julius Caesar.

He says "Brutus is an honourable man" four times.

Right. That's too many times.

No, no, no, no. No, the more you repeat it,

the truer it becomes. And retard your delivery.

Edith in particular, darling, cos you're a bit of a gabbler.

So, Mr Larkin

is... generous... and honest.

And as the coup de grace, I like to add a little break in the voice

to convey emotion.

As in... Mr Larkin is

the... kindest man alive.

It's a bit advanced, but give it a go.

Oh, er... Mr Larkin is the kindest...

I'm sorry.

Mr Larkin is the kind...

SHE COUGHS No, no, no, no, darling,

that's too much. Pull it back.

SHE COUGHS

Johnny, much appreciated,

but I think people like genuine emotion.

Yes, and faking that genuineness takes hard work, believe me.

Now, costume.

Costume? I think he just means clothing.

The best way to inspire trust is to wear bright colours.

"Let him put on gay raiment who would truth speak,"

as Shakespeare put it... probably.

Oh, I thought I'd wear my army uniform.

No, no, no. As a character witness,

you have to come across as warm and friendly.

So wear a cuddly jumper.

And so, with that final knitwear recommendation,

good luck tomorrow.

And let us try to keep Pop out of prison!

HE GENTLY SNORES

Out you jump, Ma. There you go, all right?

You pink hussy!

Hey, hey, hey, Ma, come on. Ma, come on.

God, you look awful. No, no, not awful.

Just less like an English rose and more like a... tired thistle.

I went to the pub last night.

Doesn't sound very you.

Don't you prefer to curl up with a thick hardback?

Yes, but I was on a mission, which I'm not at liberty to discuss.

Suit yourself. Anyway, how's this going?

Family-wise, I'm petrified,

but I think I've got all the facts together.

Yeah, I read your notes, which are good.

Your dad's gonna lose.

Don't say that. As it stands.

I've covered a lot of cases, and this kind of people

are always believed by this kind of people.

But you never know.

You forced your wife to phone me up, didn't you?

Does she look like the kind of woman I could force to do anything?

Very much not.

No, she's the big, strict, lovely mama.

No such phone call was made, as you know.

Would you really bring hundreds of pounds round

to help out a woman you barely knew?

Yes, if I... A farmer such as yourself

must have found it very hard to live next to us in our mansion.

HE HUMS

HE VOCALISES

Mr Larkin is... very... nice.

And... always

most... kind.

Stop, no, you're just saying that... rather slowly.

Oh, all right, I'll stop, then.

No, no, carry on.

Good. Erm...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mr Larkin... is...

I think we've heard enough.

I mean, look at Mr Larkin.

He's a dreamboat who could have any woman.

He has untold riches in his personality,

so why would he bother to steal money?

Just doesn't make sense. Sorry, am I gabbling?

I was told not to. We had lessons on how to make people believe

what we're saying. And can I just say,

if he's sent to prison, I will see him every day.

Is that allowed? Or can you only go once or twice a week?

Is there a limit?

We're nearly finished.

SANDER WHIRRS

CLUCKING

I know we got into some scrapes when we were young and crazy,

but this is quite a turn up.

Ma, we'll be all right. Be one to tell the grandkids.

No, it won't.

I am shocked at how angry I feel. It isn't me.

Look... I could try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

You might wanna stop that. Nah.

You should have been tougher on that pink monster.

Well, Ma, look, I'm not saying women can't be wrong'uns,

but I still reckon it's all coming from him.

Oh. It won't make much difference... if you're sent down.

I still can't see that happening.

They didn't exactly turn in a blinder, Lord love 'em.

How do we think that went?

Us?

Pretty well, I'd say.

Yes, I thought so, too. Well, we'd had the training.

We had.

It's important to relax during stressful times.

Those Jerebohms, they're so shady.

I wonder if they've done this before. What?

Hello.

Hello. You're right, I'm a journalist.

Why haven't I been investigating the Jerebohms? Yep.

Bad time to bother you. Sorry.

Good luck with the rest of the trial.

HE SIGHS

I'm sorry we've fallen out. I hate this.

Me, too.

I heard that you went on a... date.

Why are you doing that?

Because I assumed you did it to make a point

and aren't intending on getting seriously involved with PC... Thing.

Yes, you're quite right.

But I'm pleased to admit that because I love openness and honesty,

and if you can't give me that,

then what's the point in us being together?

Love isn't a performance, it's a bond.

And all the more intense and romantic for being private.

Look at Romeo and Juliet.

You do know what happened to them, don't you?

They became the greatest love story ever told.

This isn't a story. It's my life.

And until we both want the same things,

then I guess we have nothing.

HE SIGHS

Here is a man

with every motivation and opportunity

to rob his neighbours blind.

A well-known local ducker-and-diver

who could crack the Jerebohms' very basic safe

the way most of us would open a drawer.

Who, as a humble junkyard-owner,

resented his new neighbours' wealth and status

and so... HE CHUCKLES

..made up a story that he was helping out Mrs Jerebohm,

a woman who can clearly look after herself very nicely, thank you.

Moonshine, from start to finish! Someone stuff a wig in his mouth!

Out!

Right, love. See you later, Ma.

Please don't kiss the defendant!

Why don't you kiss me in public?

Because... of my lifelong battle with chapped lips.

Mr Larkin, whose level of self-delusion

is summed up by his decision to represent himself in court,

has seven - seven - children

and a lifestyle which is known to be extravagant bordering on reckless.

So is it any wonder that he was short of a few bob

and needed to burgle next door?

I know for a fact that the Larkins have two suitcases full of cash

on their premises! Remove her, too!

They paid cash for Bluff Court and nearly doubled their money

when they sold it!

Steady on, Edith. Don't spill all my secrets -

there's lawmen present.

Ladies and gentlemen... I could go on...

..but I think we all know the truth by now.

I can't remember the last time I couldn't speak.

When you're asleep?

Oh, no, that doesn't stop me.

I once recited a recipe. Pop's got used to it.

It's been so maddening.

Pop's done his best, but he's no lawyer.

In fact, he's the opposite of a lawyer -

he thinks honesty speaks for itself.

But I fear it doesn't.

I wish I'd insisted on my Mariette and Charley being told.

This is when the family needs to hold its head high, together.

Sorry. You haven't got any family.

Oh, don't worry. I'll borrow yours.

SHE CHUCKLES

The presence of a new neighbour

can often stir up jealousies of this kind.

And it is, to say the least, highly questionable

that Mr and Mrs Jerebohm, who are patently decent members of society,

would concoct an elaborate plan of this nature

to entrap the defendant. And for those reasons,

we magistrates are minded to find Mr Sidney Larkin guilty

of the offences described.

No!

As this is a first offence, we will set the sentence at one year.

Will you hell!

Can I address the court? No, that would be...

I make it a rule to enjoy everything I do, so I'm gonna enjoy this, too.

In any case, it's a bit like the war, innit, you know?

Or the 1953 cup final,

where one side gets off to a good start

before the plucky winners have their day.

I thank you for your time.

Take him down! HE CHUCKLES

Someone's lost their sense of humour.

Chunky jewellery. My favourite.

This is all wrong!

Seeing as I'm innocent, can I have a south-facing cell?

Not bad, eh?

Quick snifter at The Jolly Solicitor, then back to yours?

I think you misunderstand the nature of our relationship.

They'll come round to us.

No, they won't, Alec,

because they've used us and discarded us,

and had no intention of being our friends.

Shame on you!

Well, of course, the big magistrate in the sky

will have His say in the end. It's His verdict that matters.

Oh, no.

What do you think of your chances?

Well, I'm a vicar, aren't I? We're in the VIP section.

We're taking contributions to Pop's get-out-of-jail party.

Bit early, isn't it, if he's not out for a year? No.

It's gonna be a big party.

We need time to raise enough to hire Elvis, as Pop's a fan.

Word is, Elvis won't come cheap.

COINS JINGLE

BIKE BELL RINGS

Have you, er, heard the verdict?

Yeah.

Sorry if I've been a bitch.

You wouldn't know how to be. You what?

Yeah, that's not true.

You wanna give it another go?

Oh, that's not supposed to happen.

We'd better ring Mariette and Charley... in...

Where are they?

Hertogenbosch. Mm. And tell her Pop's in prison.

They'll be so angry that we kept it from them.

I couldn't let myself believe it would happen.

But now it has, we are gonna get Pop out of jail pretty damn quick.

Prison break? Tunnel?

Neither. We're gonna use the judicial system. Starting tomorrow.

MA GASPS

What are you doing here?

Victoria sent us a telegram saying Pop's on trial.

What were you thinking, not telling us?! Is it over?

What happened? Guilty.

Your Pop got a year.

Oh, Ma! This is so awful.

I know. Oh, sweet, gorgeous girl.

We have to fight it. Exactly, Charley.

We're Larkins, and we're gonna do what Pop would want us to do.

We're gonna right this wrong.

And in the meantime, we're gonna eat, drink,

be as merry as we can...

..and swim in the new pool.

A pool?

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com