All language subtitles for Velma s01e09 Family Woman.eng

[Velma] Previously on Velma...

Brains, where's my mom?

Indian woman. Lots of opinions
on weight and personal hygiene.

[Brenda] The only person
we've seen is that freak in the welder's mask.

Leave the brains.
They wouldn't save you. Trust me!

[Velma] The police
found my mom's car

abandoned and empty,
except for her glasses,

and a single
wrapped gift for me.

In that case, I will happily
go with you, Fred.

-Yes!
-But, Daphne!

Are Fred and Daphne
back together?

Maybe it's time
we tried being girlfriends.

Girlfriends? Seriously?

Mom, you still haven't
told me who did this.

Who took you?

I...

I can't remember.

[ambulance siren blaring]

My butt looks amazing.
Hopefully, this time,

nothing causes my implants
to come out--

-[door opens]
-[grunts]

[Velma] So, after two years
of searching,

I had finally found my mom.

They didn't come out. Nice!

-[door opens]
-[grunts]

[Velma] There was just
one tiny problem.

Mom, you don't remember
who took you and the hot girls

because you have amnesia?

Oh, is that
what the doctor said?

-[gasps]
-Kidding.

Amnesia joke,
which I can make because I have it.

But amnesia's curable,
right Doc?

All we need is
a ladder and a coconut.

99% of the time, yes.

Hey, no offense,
but can we just let the actual doctor explain?

Just being a white guy
with a clipboard doesn't cut it anymore.

Sorry, your insurance
only covered the diagnosis

-and the applesauce.
-[sighs]

Now, according to
your mother's chart,

she's constructed
a sort of mental wall

to block out
the past two years.

If Diya's memories do return,
it will be within 72 hours.

After that,
they're gone forever.

-[all] Gone forever?
-Gone forever?

Oh, sorry.
Can we try that again?

Now, the good news is,
if you can keep Diya happy,

her memory should come back
within that time frame.

So my mom can't get upset
for the next 72 hours?

That's a lot of lying,
but thankfully, I'm damn good at it. [chuckles]

Great. Now, have there been
any changes at home

your mother might
find upsetting?

Uh, hmm. Changes at home?

Nah, their marriage
is strong as ever.

Aman, why is
the Spooner's waitress,

who used to
flirt with you, here?

You didn't tell her?

Oh, uh, we just found
someone no one likes

-in case you needed an organ.
-[grunts]

-But you don't, so--
-Ahhh.

Bye.

-[dramatic music playing]
-[clock ticking]

[theme music playing]

[Velma] Okay.
My mom has 71 hours

to restore her memory
and identify the serial killer.

So we need to turn
this spotless and well-loved dream home

back into the normal person
dump she remembers ASAP.

Fine. Thank God, I have my
inspirational pillows

to keep me sane
during all of this.

"Breathe. Keep calm
and carry wine.

You're not an alcoholic.
You're a mom."

Ah, there's no time for this.

My mom is almost home. [grunts]

[slurps]

♪ Yeah, here we go again
Making up an evil plan ♪

♪ Wiping my dirty hands clean ♪

-You're taking too long!
-Ahhh!

♪ Everything is going great ♪

So long, stupid child proofing.

-[electrical buzzing]
-Ahhh!

-[thuds]
-Ow!

Perfect.

-[clock ticking]
-[liquid splashing]

Daphne, what are you doing?

You have to
put your back into it,

if we're gonna make this place
smell like my mom.

Sorry, it's just... Look.

I know now is not about me,

but it's just been
hard to concentrate

since you said we should try
being girlfriends in the caves.

-Were you serious?
-Uh, yes!

Unless you don't want to.
In which case... As if, bitch.

No, I do!

In fact, the Brains
are throwing themselves

a welcome home party
this weekend,

and I was thinking
we could dramatically upstage them

by going as a couple.

That sounds amazing,
but will I even be invited?

Since being rescued
from the caves,

the Brains are
more popular than ever.

Okay, fam.
Today's Steal Her Style

is Brenda, Krista and Lola.

So, for this,
you're gonna need a jar,

some goo, and a saw.

[sawing]

Velma, it's fine.
I'm popular enough for both of us.

You just relax and heavily
medicated trophy-wife it.

[magical chiming]

-[car door slams]
-Ahhh! My mom is home!

-Ahhh!
-[splashes]

-[door slams]
-[slurps]

It's so weird,
you remember Sophie, the flirty Spooner's waitress,

but not who kidnapped you.

As weird as
you remembering her name,

but not where you put
your wedding ring?

-Uh--
-Welcome home, Mom.

I'm home.

-Hmm.
-[Velma gasps]

What's the matter?
Did you forget we're poor?

No, I can't really
see anything.

Of course,
because I have your glasses.

They fell off in your car
the night you were taken.

Here are your old ones to wear.

Uh...

Oh, I thought
I'd keep the nice ones. Kind of my thing now.

[sighs, gasps]
I just remembered something!

Hmm.

[gasps]

It was while I was deciding
to buy these frames

that I first learned
about Dr. Edna Perdue.

Oh, my God, it's working.

Your memory is coming back.

Does that mean
you remember this too?

Yes.

Oh, that's the present
you forced me to buy you because you ruined Christmas,

solving one of
your mysteries, right?

Wait. Were you annoying
back then?

Uh, no, false memory.

Still, I swore
I wouldn't open it until I found you.

Which means...
Please don't be a puppy.

Oh. Red Mary Janes. Perfect.

I'm glad I waited this long
and put so much expectation on it.

Stop. You were a little girl
when I bought those.

[sighs]

You grew up
while I was kidnapped, and I missed it all.

[sighs] Everything has changed.

Wait, why did I buy
those glasses again?

Velma! She's getting upset,
and losing her memories.

Quick! Make her feel good

by telling her
she's more attractive than her sister.

Mom, it's okay.

I may be older,
but I'm still the same old Velma.

I didn't offer
to load the dishwasher once while you were gone.

So I haven't ruined your life?

Your grades didn't suffer?
You're still valedictorian?

Uh...

-Yep.
-[Diya] Oh, good.

Bring me your report cards.

I'm sure the happiness I feel
will help me remember everything,

and we'll finally
catch the serial killer.

[gulps]

[school bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

[Krista] Hey, is anyone else
gonna contour their cerebellum for our party?

Hey, girlies. [snaps fingers]

I'm excited for the party.

What's going on?
Why are you icing me out?

[Krista] Uh, because you tried
to leave us for dead in the mines.

Your popularity is
officially revoked, Daphne.

Please update
your status to "loser" across all social platforms.

What? You can't be serious.

Update
your status to "loser" across all social platforms.

-[Daphne sighs]
-[crowd gasps]

This is so stupid.

Oh, my God. Daphne's out.

Welcome to exile.

I'm out for two timing
the Brains in the caves.

Even the girl
who pretends to be a cat won't talk to me anymore.

[hisses]

[scoffing] Please. Those girls
don't decide if I'm popular.

Society's obsession
with looks does.

-[hawking, spitting]
-[smacks]

Not cool, Muffin.

[dramatic music playing]

Whoa!

Norville! I need your help.

Not now, Velma!
[grunts] This is for the state championship.

Really? It's not
the entertainment at a Virgin Convention?

That's tomorrow. [grunts]

Just tell me what you need.

I'm running out of time
for my mom to remember who the serial killer is.

So I need you to break in
to your mom's office,

change my grades
and print me a new report card.

-Wait, what?
-[clangs]

-[buzzer sounds]
-[opponent cheers]

-[trumpets sound]
-So, are you done now?

-[crowd applauding]
-Can you do it?

[indistinct conversation]

[Daphne] Phew,
they saved me my seat.

I knew those bitches needed me.

-[clunks]
-Keep walking.

-[all laughing]
-[Brains] Aw!

Whatever. Watch this.

Hi, boys. Mind if I... [gasps]

Oh, God! But the only seat is
at the table by the garbage.

-[mumbling] Daphne, stop!
-[bees buzzing]

Any movement will
upset the garbage bees.

My only hope is
to be accepted as their queen.

But the only other place to sit
is out in the sun! I'll freckle!

-[sizzling]
-Ahhh!

The Brains can't do this to us!

They already have.

[Krista] Incoming, losers.

-[yelps] Ahhh!
-[thuds]

-[buzzing angrily]
-Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ooh, ooh! Ahhh!

Here's your fake report card.

I can't believe I'm defying
my parents like this.

Norville, thank you.

Sincerely. You're an
incredible friend.

[objects crashing]

Oh, no! The serial killer
is here to finish the job!

And it's all your fault
because you took too long to get me my new report card!

Sophie? What are
you doing here?

In your rush to throw us out,

Amanda's blanket
got left behind and she can't sleep without it.

-[switch clicks]
-[Diya] Throw you out?

Wait, you lived here?

Aman, did you have an affair
and a baby while I was...

While I was... Wait,
what happened to me again?

She's freaking out
and forgetting everything.

Like when Al Pacino
tries to return to the stage.

Mom, it's okay. Dad, uh,
didn't have an affair and a baby.

Then whose baby is that?
And why is she here?

Because... Because...

[clock ticking, becomes louder]

The baby is mine. He's mine.

-She.
-She's mine.

Yours? What? Who's the father?

And the only acceptable answer
is you sat on a public toilet seat,

which we've talked about.

I didn't. But you'll
like the father.

It's, uh...

It's, uh...

It's a tale
as old as time, really.

See, the Archangel Gabriel
appeared before Velma and announced--

-Norville!
-[yells]

The father is Norville.

-[gasps]
-[thuds]

Why would you tell your mom
the baby is yours?

She's already had
an unwanted baby in her life.

Because we have to
protect her memory,

and anything's better
than learning your husband cheated on you

the instant you were kidnapped.

It wasn't the instant
she was kidnapped.

It was six weeks.

But why would you say
I'm the father?

Or am I just having
my favorite recurring dream?

No, it's because moms love you.

You're like
if Michael B. Jordan had a baby with leggings.

-[Diya] Velma?
-[Velma] She's waking up.

Mom, what's my name?
How old are you?

And how old do you
tell people you are?

Velma, I'm okay.

And we're gonna talk
about your baby in a second,

but that's not
why I passed out.

It's because I was overcome
by another huge memory.

Was it where you
put the TV remote?

It's been two years
of living hell.

No. I was in the basement
of Fred's house before they moved in.

[spooky music playing]

But the lab entrance
was bricked up.

Fortunately,
Dr Perdue's journals showed a secret way in.

[creaking]

-[bat screeching]
-[screaming]

So I tore its wings off
with my teeth as a warning to the other bats.

[all exclaiming in disgust]

[sighs] And that's
all I remember.

But still, you had a memory.
Which means I'm right.

You like that I had a baby,
and that Norville's the father.

I don't like
that you had a baby.

But, even though Aman and I
had our problems,

it's better than him
having cheated on me.

And Norville does seem
like a great father.

[Norville in accent]
I'm a teddy bear.

I'm named after
Theodore Roosevelt, a wealthy demagogue

who massacred indigenous people
in the name of imperialism.

[coos]

But if Amanda is my
gorgeous granddaughter,

then why is that waitress
in my house?

Oh. Sophie's my boss
at Spooner's.

So we asked her
to watch Amanda while you recovered your memory.

And I said, "Hell, no!
This is insane!

Are you people
out of your goddamn minds?"

So, Dad offered her money.

So much money.

[groans]

Thank you. But now
that the truth is out,

Velma and Norville
can look after their daughter themselves.

-[Amanda cries]
-Like hell we can.

I mean, of course.
How hard can watching it be? Right, Norville?

-[door closes]
-Norville?

-[engine revs]
-[tires screech]

Hey! You said
this was your dream!

Will you at least
chip in for college?

-[Amanda vocalizing]
-Ahhh!

[Sophie] I was also offered
a vacation to Bali.

Well, Sophie's got this.
Wanna see my report card?

[gurgling in sleep]

I know I should be
more upset about this, but I'm not.

Well, there is a lot
of opportunity for fugly babies these days.

Amanda could grow up
to be a meme.

No, it's just,
there's nothing better than having a daughter.

You never stopped
looking for me.

I'm only alive because of you.

I love you, Mom.

I love you so much,

I'm gonna let Amanda
sleep in your room.

Nice try.

Just make sure Amanda
doesn't fall off the bed

the way you always did
at that age.

-What?
-Nothing.

Good night, girls.

[clock ticking]

[sighs] Okay.
This isn't that bad.

-[Amanda grunting]
-Huh?

[straining]

-Oh, God!
-[door opens]

-[trumpets play]
-[Amanda straining]

-[coos]
-Norville!

Where did you go?
You know I legally

can't be alone with a child
after I ate my health class egg baby.

Sorry. Had to go
tell my parents what we're doing.

My dad is very excited.

My mom, however,
wants me to transfer schools and find better friends.

Can you believe that? Velma?

-[vocalizing]
-[snoring]

[thuds]

[Amanda crying]

[continues crying]

-[rattling]
-[Velma grunts]

-Velma, she's hungry.
-She's not hungry.

When I showed her my boobs,
she fainted.

She's just being a pill.

[gasps] Daphne?

Hey. I might be on the outs
with the Brains,

so I don't think
we can go to that party.

Oh. I don't care about that.
I just wanna be with you.

Mmm. Same.

Though in the ideal world
I'd have both popularity and you.

Daphne! Velma told me
you're Amanda's godmother.

And to think, I always assumed

you'd be the one to get
knocked up first. [chuckles]

-What?
-Hey!

Save those judgment nuggets
for your grandbaby.

-Now give me a second.
-[door slams]

[sighs] Norville and I
are pretending

to be Amanda's parents
for the next 32 hours,

to help my mom remember
who took her and the Brains, before he strikes again.

You're pretending
to be in a relationship?

[gasps] Wait! That's it!

That's how I can
be popular again!

Huh?

Freddie? Sweetie!

Daphne, that poor girl
you used to date, is here to see you.

[water splashing]

Oh, no! Fred!

What happened?

-Don't tell me your father's
kinks are genetic. -[coughing]

[grunts] No, I was practicing
getting swirlied,

and I must have passed out.

[sighs] I don't know
how much longer I can take being unpopular.

How do network sitcoms
handle it?

By maintaining an undying faith
in looking backwards,

which is exactly
what we're gonna do.

I was thinking, we always got
more attention as a couple than as individuals.

Like J.Lo and Ben,
or avocado and toast.

Or drinking and boats.

Exactly. So, I'm thinking
that if we faked a dramatic public reunion,

we could capture
the hearts and minds of the student body

and be popular again.

That is a very
good idea, Daphne.

I wish Fred were
a little more like you.

You mean poor? Gross.

["Batshit" playing]

Did Fred drive Daphne
to school?

I know they're social pariahs
right now, but this is

-huge.
-[clicks]

-[message alert beeping]
-[all murmuring]

Hmm.

Aw, she's so happy
with you guys.

And like they say, leave a baby
with whoever makes her smile.

-Bye.
-Mmm-mmm.

[sighs wearily]

-[slaps]
-[grunts]

-[all gasping]
-[cameras flashing]

[sighs]

I love their love.

[both grunting]

-[grunts]
-[buzzer sounds]

[crowd applauding]

-Where's Amanda?
-Who?

Pack it up. Tables are done.

-[thuds]
-[Norville grunts]

[gasps]

-[deep breathing]
-[electrical buzzing]

Ahhh!

[gasps]

-[music playing on laptop]
-[sighs in exasperation]

Velma, I'm sorry, but this
video of your talent show

isn't making me happy enough
to remember anything else.

-[1940's music playing]
-[kids booing]

[Velma] Oh, sorry,
Howie Mandel. But don't worry.

I'm working on something
that will definitely do the trick.

-Just hold tight.
-[phone beeps]

Velma, I changed your grades.

I agreed to be the fake father
of your fake baby.

But I will not compromise
my journalistic integrity for you.

I refuse to print
this headline.

But my mom is so close
to remembering

who the serial killer is
and only has six hours left to regain her memory.

Too bad. My best reporter,
Woo Jin,

just accidentally
named a source in his life story,

and I fired his ass
with the harshest words I know.

Best of luck
with all your future endeavors.

Damn. From you, that's no joke.

But this headline could
be the difference

between making my mom
happy enough to remember

and the serial killer
taking a million more girls.

Me upstaging my cousins
is an intergenerational slap in the face

to my mom's sisters, and that's
her number one dream.

[sighs] Fine, I'll do it.

But could you at least
change Amanda's diaper?

Wow. Way to take advantage
of someone at a low moment.

Classy.

[knocks at door]

Hello? Lamont?

Someone wants you
to change their diaper.

Hmm?

A welder's mask?

-[gasps]
-[Amanda cries]

-Hello, Velma.
-[gasps]

Has your mother
regained her memory yet?

[screaming]

[Lamont] Norville,
what are you doing?

Your mother's about
to steal all of your green.

And if I do,
will this stupid land finally be settled?

Please say it will be settled.

Sorry. I'm worried about Velma.

I haven't heard from her
since this afternoon.

Huh. I wonder
where she could be.

-[explosion]
-[all exclaiming]

-Ahhh!
-Oh, no!

-Freeze, Lamont!
-Dad, what's going on?

Wait. Is this a prank?

[chuckles] Like when
the seniors beat me up?

-[all chuckling]
-I wish, but no.

-[guns clicking]
-Care to explain

what this was doing
in your desk?

My welder's mask.

Dad, you didn't.

I did, son.

Guilty as charged.

[gasps]

I handcrafted you
a sword for your birthday.

Case closed. Wait, what?
Today's your birthday?

Yes. And my dad
isn't the serial killer.

He only has a welder's mask
because he made me a sword

like I've been begging him to.

Oh, please. That could
just be a cover story.

Oh, yeah.
No, he definitely made that.

[all groaning]

Okay, well, this is starting
to look like a false alarm.

Thankfully, the damage
isn't too bad.

[explosion]

[Victoria] Wow, Daphne.

Disembodied brains are
attending your high school,

and the serial killer
is still out there,

but hashtag Fraphne
is the top trending story.

And listen to this text
I just got from Brenda.

"Hey, girlie.

Hope you and Fred can make it
to our party tonight.

No hard feelings. Remember,
I'm literally heartless."

Oh, it worked.
We're officially popular again.

[sighs] I can't ever
repay you, so I won't.

That's fine.
It'll be repayment enough

to see Brenda's amygdala shake

when Velma and I steal the show
by arriving as a couple.

What? You and Velma?

But everyone is expecting us
to go together.

But we can't pretend
to date forever.

I'm already one conversation
about affirmative action away from killing you.

I'm just saying,
if white people are now

the minorities on camp--

-[zapping]
-Whoa!

Daphne, as much as it shocks me
to say this, Fred is right.

People expect you
to go together,

and it's not forever.

Just until
you're popular enough to do whatever you want,

like a homophobic
chicken sandwich chain.

Smart girl.

Which reminds me,
would you ever consider

interning for me at
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories?

If you can make Fred popular,

I'd love to see
what you could do with a $90 headband.

Really? Oh, my God, yes.

And call me crazy,
but make the headband tiny.

Now it's for dogs.
You're welcome.

Brilliant. But keep this
between us for now.

Not everyone in the company
is as receptive to outside ideas as I am.

[grunts]

-[crashes]
-[Amanda coos]

[Velma] I am so sorry
about your house.

And you should absolutely
place the blame where it's due. The police.

I don't care
about my house, Velma!

I care that you accused my dad
of being a serial killer without even telling me.

I know, but I saw
the welder's mask and freaked out.

And I wanted you
to finish the headline about me for the paper.

Which, did you?
'Cause I couldn't help but notice

you had time for a board game.

This is unbelievable.

I put you above
everything in my life.

But I draw the line
at my family.

If our situations
were reversed,

you'd have left me for dead
after my first hallucination.

But I was worried my mom
wouldn't recover her memory.

-[clock ticking]
-She only has an hour before--

Yeah, I don't care!
You're a bad friend.

And you look terrible
in orange.

Norville, please.
You say that every time I mistake dwarves and elves.

An elf is a luminous spirit,
and a dwarf is a hairy oaf.

But most importantly,
they are not friends.

And neither are we.

Best of luck in all
your future endeavors, Wilhelmina.

[door slams]

[creaks, closes]

Amanda, I don't think
he's kidding.

Amanda? [gasps]

-Oh, God!
-[Amanda exclaiming]

[gasps] Amanda! Come back!

-[gurgling happily]
-Seriously!

-Stop, Amanda.
-[cars whooshing]

-[man] Watch out!
-[car honks]

-[cars honk]
-[woman] Hey, that's how

-I got my baby to nap, too.
-[horn blaring]

-Amanda, please!
-[glass shattering]

-[crashes]
-If you stop rolling,

I'll stop trying to sell you
on the dark web.

-[horn blaring]
-[vocalizing happily]

Oh, phew.

-[creaks]
-[crashes]

-[screaming]
-[objects shattering]

-[gurgling]
-Ahhh!

[alarm blaring]

[soft romantic music playing]

[crowd applauding]

[Brenda] Aw, look at
the happy couple.

-Aren't they so...
-[all] Happy.

[Brenda] Exactly. Happy.

Or are you just faking it
to be popular?

-[all gasp]
-Wait, what?

-Did you know?
-What?

No. [hesitating]
We're a happy couple.

-Tell 'em, Daph.
-Yeah, we love each other.

[Brenda] Great. Then prove it.

-Kiss.
-[crowd] Whoo!

-[Fred groans]
-[Daphne sighs]

[mumbles nervously] Kiss?

[Brenda] Or all your popularity
goes away forever.

Yeah, sure. Easy.

[Fred] Mmm.

[all] Aw!

What the actual hell?

Velma? What are you doing here?

Amanda rolled here
to find her mom.

-[Diya] Her mom?
-[gasps]

Velma, what are
you talking about?

Mom? What are you doing here?

The Brains invited us
when they learned your mom was in the caves with them.

[Krista] And T-B-H,
we thought she'd be cool and order us alcohol.

Velma, what's going on?

Uh, nothing. I just thought

taking a little spin
on the dance floor with your granddaughter,

might give you
the happiness nudge you needed to--

-[suckling]
-Sophie, what the hell?

-Huh?
-[Amanda suckling]

[alarm beeping]

-[gasps]
-[Aman] Velma,

the 72 hours are up.

She didn't remember
who took her and the Brains.

We have to tell her the truth.

No need. I think
I figured it out.

You did have an affair, Aman,
while I was kidnapped.

-And a child.
-Yes.

But for what it's worth,
both of those things

only happened after
Sophie and I fell in love.

I'll stop talking.

Mom, I'm sorry we lied,

but we had to try
to help you remember.

But... I do.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, I do remember
who the serial killer is.

What? How?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm relieved
to finally be freed

from my loveless and sexually
unfulfilling marriage.

-Rude.
-[Velma] Stop!

I wasn't asking
for an actual explanation.

Just say who
the serial killer is.

Of course. It's...

-[all gasp]
-[Diya] It's...

[both gasp]

It's...

[theme music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[gasps] It's me.

[Krista] Okay, you are so
ordering us alcohol now.

[theme music playing]

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