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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,518 --> 00:00:03,037 After 15 years as a journalist, 2 00:00:03,175 --> 00:00:04,556 I've learned it's important to grab the reader's attention 3 00:00:04,694 --> 00:00:06,247 with a catchy headline. 4 00:00:06,385 --> 00:00:09,802 Here's mine-- "Local Woman, 37, Ruins Own Life." 5 00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:13,082 Five years ago, Nell Serrano threw away a promising career 6 00:00:13,220 --> 00:00:14,738 to move to London for a man. 7 00:00:14,876 --> 00:00:16,706 I'm sleeping! 8 00:00:16,844 --> 00:00:18,225 She went all-in on love. 9 00:00:18,363 --> 00:00:20,261 Until it drop-kicked her in the face. 10 00:00:20,399 --> 00:00:22,574 Now she's back, trying to stay hydrated. 11 00:00:23,885 --> 00:00:26,716 But hey, who needs a promising career... 12 00:00:27,648 --> 00:00:30,099 ...a fairy-tale wedding... 13 00:00:30,237 --> 00:00:31,445 ...or clean underwear... 14 00:00:31,583 --> 00:00:33,757 when you can wear bathing suit bottoms. 15 00:00:33,895 --> 00:00:35,794 Again. 16 00:00:35,932 --> 00:00:38,935 The good news is the weird roommate I met on Craigslist 17 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,869 is extremely laid back and not passive aggressive at all. 18 00:00:42,007 --> 00:00:44,561 Oh, also, he makes me walk his dog. 19 00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:46,736 Unfortunately, he's a shy pooper. 20 00:00:46,874 --> 00:00:49,256 The dog, not the roommate. That's gross. 21 00:00:49,394 --> 00:00:51,051 And all this made me late for my first day 22 00:00:51,189 --> 00:00:52,328 back at my old job. 23 00:00:52,466 --> 00:00:54,192 But at least I got the last parking spot, 24 00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:55,503 so things are looking up. 25 00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:57,540 Oh. 26 00:01:00,577 --> 00:01:02,924 Oh. Sorry. 27 00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:08,068 Oh, my... 28 00:01:08,206 --> 00:01:09,759 I really gotta clean out this trunk. 29 00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,831 More on this ongoing disaster as it unfolds. 30 00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,125 - You are late. - Oh. 31 00:01:31,263 --> 00:01:32,161 But I told everyone that your phone 32 00:01:32,299 --> 00:01:33,438 was still set on UK time 33 00:01:33,576 --> 00:01:34,853 and that you were donating blood. 34 00:01:34,991 --> 00:01:35,957 Okay? So, act kinda woozy. 35 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:36,993 What if I act hungover? 36 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,236 What if I am hungover? 37 00:01:38,374 --> 00:01:40,100 So, I got you a plant for your first day. 38 00:01:40,238 --> 00:01:41,653 - Hey. - Of my old job? 39 00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:43,517 Yeah, and some pens for your birthday. 40 00:01:43,655 --> 00:01:44,656 Oh, 'cause I'm another year older? 41 00:01:44,794 --> 00:01:45,967 - Sports section. - Oh. 42 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,177 - Go long! - No, because I love you, baby. 43 00:01:48,315 --> 00:01:49,937 - Aww. - No stealing, girls. 44 00:01:50,075 --> 00:01:51,663 You are not the boss of me. 45 00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:52,767 True, but I am the boss of you. 46 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:54,459 - Ooh. - Is it weird? 47 00:01:54,597 --> 00:01:55,563 It's weird that either of you 48 00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:56,840 are the bosses of anybody, really. 49 00:01:56,978 --> 00:01:58,187 Well, technically, she is the boss... 50 00:01:58,325 --> 00:01:59,222 - Oh! - ...of the lifestyle section... 51 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,258 - MAN ♪2: Sorry! - ...so that 52 00:02:00,396 --> 00:02:01,811 - doesn't really count. - Ooh. 53 00:02:01,949 --> 00:02:03,399 Ooh. "I'm Mr. Metro. 54 00:02:03,537 --> 00:02:05,366 I have to edit a six-part series 55 00:02:05,504 --> 00:02:07,575 about the changes in the zoning bylaws." 56 00:02:07,713 --> 00:02:10,026 I'm sorry, don't you have a meeting to go to about... 57 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:11,303 I want to say sandals. 58 00:02:11,441 --> 00:02:13,512 Look, bitch-- 59 00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:15,652 Actually, I am late to a meeting about sandals. 60 00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:17,067 - Oh. - Ugh. 61 00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:18,655 - Coffee later? - Yep. 62 00:02:18,793 --> 00:02:20,830 So, what are you gonna put me on? 63 00:02:20,968 --> 00:02:22,418 City beat? Crime beat? 64 00:02:22,556 --> 00:02:24,213 The dead beat. 65 00:02:24,351 --> 00:02:26,146 Oh, my God, you're putting me on obituaries? 66 00:02:26,284 --> 00:02:27,388 Here's your new office. 67 00:02:27,526 --> 00:02:28,700 Ta-da. 68 00:02:28,838 --> 00:02:29,908 Ew. 69 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,670 Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, this is a closet. 70 00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:35,224 That seems generous. 71 00:02:35,362 --> 00:02:37,847 Look, you gotta jump back in somewhere, Nell. 72 00:02:37,985 --> 00:02:40,125 Start here. Your first obit. 73 00:02:40,263 --> 00:02:41,540 Monty Waxberg. 74 00:02:41,678 --> 00:02:44,578 A musician you may know for his most famous jingle, 75 00:02:44,716 --> 00:02:45,717 the "Yummy Yum Bubble Gum" song. 76 00:02:45,855 --> 00:02:47,339 I hated that song as a kid. 77 00:02:47,477 --> 00:02:49,928 Don't judge a person by their jingle, Nell. 78 00:02:50,066 --> 00:02:53,345 Everyone has a story, and it's your job to find it. 79 00:02:53,483 --> 00:02:54,967 And don't touch that pipe. 80 00:02:55,105 --> 00:02:56,210 It'll strip your skin. 81 00:03:00,352 --> 00:03:02,043 This is on me. 82 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,459 Just give me one sec. 83 00:03:03,597 --> 00:03:05,323 Oh, here, give me that. 84 00:03:05,461 --> 00:03:06,910 Oh! See? This is why I love you. 85 00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:08,084 Still know how to party. 86 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:09,465 Byow-byow-byow-byow! 87 00:03:09,603 --> 00:03:10,949 No. Your airhorn's broken. 88 00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:13,089 That is because it is a breast pump. 89 00:03:14,608 --> 00:03:17,058 Do you remember when these boobs were for, like, flashing people? 90 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,233 Now they are for feeding people. 91 00:03:19,371 --> 00:03:20,476 What happened to me? 92 00:03:20,614 --> 00:03:22,961 You became a badass working mom, 93 00:03:23,099 --> 00:03:25,377 who made two of my favorite little humans. 94 00:03:25,515 --> 00:03:27,241 Yeah, I should warn you, 95 00:03:27,379 --> 00:03:29,347 Tilly still likes to wear her flower girl dress 96 00:03:29,485 --> 00:03:31,625 to school every day, in case that's a trigger. 97 00:03:31,763 --> 00:03:33,005 Way to punch down, Tilly. 98 00:03:33,143 --> 00:03:35,594 So, when you are ready to talk about Phillip, 99 00:03:35,732 --> 00:03:38,079 I have a bunch of nasty things I have written in my journal 100 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,702 that I am so excited to share with you. 101 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,290 Eh, I don't want to do that. 102 00:03:41,428 --> 00:03:42,498 You know what I want to do for my birthday? 103 00:03:42,636 --> 00:03:44,776 I just want to throw down like we used to 104 00:03:44,914 --> 00:03:47,261 and pretend it's not gonna take me three days to recover. 105 00:03:47,399 --> 00:03:49,919 - Okay? - Okay! 106 00:03:50,057 --> 00:03:51,438 Oh, God. Oh, no. Hide me. 107 00:03:51,576 --> 00:03:53,336 - Oh. Unh-uh. Nope. Hide me. - What? 108 00:03:53,474 --> 00:03:55,649 - Oh, hide me. - What? Why? Where? What? Who? 109 00:03:55,787 --> 00:03:57,547 It's Scotch Tape. 110 00:03:58,203 --> 00:03:59,446 Oh. 111 00:03:59,584 --> 00:04:01,413 Yeah, Nell, you can't call her that anymore, okay? 112 00:04:01,551 --> 00:04:05,624 Lexi is your boss now, and as crazy as it sounds, 113 00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:08,351 - we have actually become... - I will smack your face. 114 00:04:08,489 --> 00:04:10,733 - ...work friends. - What? We hate her! 115 00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:12,079 I know. I'm so sorry. 116 00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:13,253 The only reason why she has this job 117 00:04:13,391 --> 00:04:14,668 is because her dad owns the newspaper. 118 00:04:14,806 --> 00:04:15,979 And half of Pasadena. 119 00:04:16,117 --> 00:04:17,671 Yeah, I know. She's a little rich and weird, 120 00:04:17,809 --> 00:04:19,604 and she thinks that Old Navy is a branch of the military, 121 00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:22,054 but when you are a working mom, 122 00:04:22,192 --> 00:04:23,815 it is hard to meet other working moms. 123 00:04:23,953 --> 00:04:26,956 What? No. What about Tina from Metro? 124 00:04:27,094 --> 00:04:28,095 She used to always talk about her kids. 125 00:04:28,233 --> 00:04:29,683 It was sweet. 126 00:04:30,615 --> 00:04:32,686 They were dolls. 127 00:04:32,824 --> 00:04:34,688 Everyone's really worried about Tina. 128 00:04:37,138 --> 00:04:39,520 - Hi. - Hi, Tina. 129 00:04:40,970 --> 00:04:42,661 What's this? 130 00:04:42,799 --> 00:04:45,699 You shouldn't have. 131 00:04:46,941 --> 00:04:48,874 Mmm. 132 00:04:49,012 --> 00:04:51,498 Let's hope there's no cherries in this one. 133 00:04:52,913 --> 00:04:53,948 It's caramel. 134 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:55,122 Mmm. 135 00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:56,606 Did you go to Stanford? 136 00:04:56,744 --> 00:04:58,159 Yeah. 137 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,368 Why are you eating the chocolates 138 00:04:59,506 --> 00:05:00,955 I got for my girlfriend? 139 00:05:02,232 --> 00:05:04,096 Because it's my birthday and I thought you got them for me. 140 00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:05,581 No. 141 00:05:07,030 --> 00:05:08,273 Gross. 142 00:05:08,411 --> 00:05:10,102 I'm going to San Diego, without chocolates, 143 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,449 to visit my girlfriend. 144 00:05:11,587 --> 00:05:13,105 So, please remember to walk Arthur 145 00:05:13,243 --> 00:05:14,797 and use compostable poop bags 146 00:05:14,935 --> 00:05:16,385 instead of telling the dog just to hold it. 147 00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:18,248 And if you raise the heat above 68, 148 00:05:18,387 --> 00:05:20,250 - the Nest will alert me. - Aye-aye, Captain. 149 00:05:26,187 --> 00:05:27,706 Do you have any plans for your birthday? 150 00:05:27,844 --> 00:05:29,225 Oh, yeah. 151 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,709 I'm gonna throw a massive rager, 152 00:05:30,847 --> 00:05:32,608 and I'm thinking of getting a couple of kegs 153 00:05:32,746 --> 00:05:34,057 and maybe even a reggae band, 154 00:05:34,195 --> 00:05:35,852 and I'm gonna do it right over there by your Peloton. 155 00:05:35,990 --> 00:05:37,751 No! You can't do it here. We have an agreement. 156 00:05:37,889 --> 00:05:39,339 Your lease specifically states that any guests 157 00:05:39,477 --> 00:05:41,789 need to be pre-authorized... 158 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:43,619 - You're joking? - Obviously, dude. 159 00:05:43,757 --> 00:05:45,414 What, do you have like Asperger's or something? 160 00:05:45,552 --> 00:05:47,243 I do. 161 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,624 You do? 162 00:05:48,762 --> 00:05:50,246 Oh, my God, I am so sorry I said that. 163 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,524 I don't. You thought I had Asperger's? 164 00:05:52,662 --> 00:05:54,526 I mean, kind of. 165 00:05:54,664 --> 00:05:56,183 I do. 166 00:05:57,322 --> 00:05:58,772 All right, have a good weekend. 167 00:06:02,603 --> 00:06:04,122 -♪ Beam me up♪ -♪ Beam me up♪ 168 00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:05,675 ♪ Count me in♪ 169 00:06:05,813 --> 00:06:07,090 Ah, thank you. 170 00:06:09,058 --> 00:06:11,681 Wow. $14 bucks for a cocktail. 171 00:06:11,819 --> 00:06:12,924 You know, back in the day, 172 00:06:13,062 --> 00:06:15,271 we used to make LSD in the bathtub 173 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:18,032 and give it away for free! 174 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,862 Ah, damn, I miss the '90s. 175 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,346 - Mm. - Mm. 176 00:06:21,484 --> 00:06:24,142 How come your nose is buried in your phone? 177 00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:27,697 Ah, honestly? 178 00:06:27,835 --> 00:06:30,942 I was wondering if my ex-fiance was gonna bother 179 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,081 to wish me a happy birthday, 180 00:06:32,219 --> 00:06:33,600 but so far, he hasn't, so... 181 00:06:33,738 --> 00:06:35,429 You know the best way to get over someone? 182 00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:37,776 - Hmm? - Get under someone else. 183 00:06:38,984 --> 00:06:40,158 Awesome. Thank you for your wisdom. 184 00:06:41,608 --> 00:06:43,126 Hey! 185 00:06:43,264 --> 00:06:45,750 - There she is! My birthday girl! - Hi! 186 00:06:45,888 --> 00:06:47,959 - Yes! - Hi. 187 00:06:48,097 --> 00:06:49,029 Okay, I know you said no presents, 188 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,686 but we stopped by the gas station 189 00:06:50,824 --> 00:06:54,344 - and got you a little something. - Aww, you guys. 190 00:06:54,483 --> 00:06:56,416 Condoms and scratchers? 191 00:06:56,554 --> 00:06:58,659 'Cause you finna get lucky this year! 192 00:06:58,797 --> 00:07:00,316 Hey! And we're gonna have a great time tonight 193 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,352 no matter who else shows up. 194 00:07:02,491 --> 00:07:03,492 So... 195 00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:05,321 Who else is coming? 196 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:06,495 Hi, squirrel friend. 197 00:07:06,633 --> 00:07:08,669 Sorry I'm late. 198 00:07:08,807 --> 00:07:12,708 Well, I hope it's not too weird that I crashed your birthday. 199 00:07:12,846 --> 00:07:13,916 No. Not at all. 200 00:07:14,054 --> 00:07:15,400 We're co-workers. 201 00:07:15,538 --> 00:07:18,196 Well, not exactly "co." 202 00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:20,336 Kidding. 203 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,200 Although technically, that is accurate. 204 00:07:22,338 --> 00:07:23,373 I mean, I am your boss. 205 00:07:23,512 --> 00:07:24,789 Right. 206 00:07:24,927 --> 00:07:26,446 But I just want you to know that I'm going to strive 207 00:07:26,584 --> 00:07:28,758 to be a different kind of boss than my father was. 208 00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:32,244 I mean, he was just so aloof and out of touch, 209 00:07:32,382 --> 00:07:34,246 and if I learned anything after I broke my back 210 00:07:34,384 --> 00:07:35,800 during the Olympic Dressage trials, 211 00:07:35,938 --> 00:07:39,838 it's that you are only as strong as the horse you're riding. 212 00:07:39,976 --> 00:07:42,220 - Mm. - Mm. 213 00:07:42,358 --> 00:07:45,016 And you-- you are my horse. 214 00:07:45,154 --> 00:07:46,189 Hey, Lexi? 215 00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:48,571 Am I being weird and entitled again? 216 00:07:48,709 --> 00:07:50,504 Yeah, when you referred to us as your horse. 217 00:07:50,642 --> 00:07:52,299 See? This is why I need you. 218 00:07:52,437 --> 00:07:54,059 Oh, my gosh, that reminds me. 219 00:07:54,197 --> 00:07:55,405 One weekend during quarantine 220 00:07:55,544 --> 00:07:56,683 when our families podded together-- 221 00:07:56,821 --> 00:07:58,029 Oh. 222 00:07:58,167 --> 00:07:59,375 You guys podded together? 223 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:00,894 - Yeah. - We did. 224 00:08:01,032 --> 00:08:02,999 And it was such fun. Oh! 225 00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:05,554 I know a lot of people say they didn't enjoy the pandemic, 226 00:08:05,692 --> 00:08:07,348 but I really thrived. 227 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,731 Anyway, one night, Sam and I got into le sauvignon blanc, 228 00:08:10,869 --> 00:08:13,562 and she got really honest with me 229 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:16,219 about how I can come off to people, 230 00:08:16,357 --> 00:08:19,775 and I'm just very grateful to have a friend 231 00:08:19,913 --> 00:08:21,431 like you in my life. 232 00:08:21,570 --> 00:08:23,364 I got you. 233 00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:27,990 ♪ Ooh-hoo ♪ 234 00:08:28,128 --> 00:08:29,612 ♪ Nobody knows it♪ 235 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:30,786 ♪ Nobody knows♪ 236 00:08:30,924 --> 00:08:32,270 You're okay with her being here, right? 237 00:08:32,408 --> 00:08:33,789 Totally. 238 00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:35,169 - Yeah. - Yeah. 239 00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:36,654 I guess I just didn't realize you guys were, like, 240 00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:38,379 - friends-friends. - I know. 241 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,484 But it's fine. 242 00:08:39,622 --> 00:08:40,761 You just owe me a do-over, yeah? 243 00:08:40,899 --> 00:08:42,349 - You got it. - Yes! 244 00:08:42,487 --> 00:08:43,523 - Yes. - Okay, so I got us two tickets 245 00:08:43,661 --> 00:08:45,076 to The Underground this Saturday night. 246 00:08:45,214 --> 00:08:46,871 It's '80s Prom Night. 247 00:08:47,009 --> 00:08:48,044 I thought I'd wear my wedding dress, 248 00:08:48,182 --> 00:08:49,805 you'd wear your maid-of-honors dress. 249 00:08:49,943 --> 00:08:51,116 Might as well get some use out of it. 250 00:08:51,254 --> 00:08:52,152 I would love to do it. 251 00:08:52,290 --> 00:08:53,947 It's just that Saturday night, 252 00:08:54,085 --> 00:08:57,088 um, I have some plans-- 253 00:08:57,226 --> 00:08:58,089 You have plans with Lexi. 254 00:08:58,227 --> 00:09:00,436 Yeah. I do. I do. 255 00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:04,474 ♪ Don't go breaking my heart♪ 256 00:09:04,613 --> 00:09:06,615 We almost got it. It was almost there. 257 00:09:08,513 --> 00:09:10,791 Whoo! Whoo! 258 00:09:10,929 --> 00:09:12,379 Let's give it up for Dennis and Scotch Tape! 259 00:09:13,311 --> 00:09:14,795 - Scotch Tape? - Oh, yeah. 260 00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:16,141 It's just a nickname we gave you, you know. 261 00:09:16,279 --> 00:09:18,212 Just some little inside joke between old friends. 262 00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,317 Nell, Nell, slow down. 263 00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:20,629 - What? Come on. - Nell. 264 00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:21,940 Scotch Tape. Because you're stuck up. 265 00:09:22,078 --> 00:09:23,079 Get it? 266 00:09:23,217 --> 00:09:24,564 We also thought you were Scottish. 267 00:09:24,702 --> 00:09:26,531 You screamed one day, and it sounded like Braveheart. 268 00:09:26,669 --> 00:09:27,601 I was like, "Scottish." 269 00:09:27,739 --> 00:09:29,845 Come on. 270 00:09:29,983 --> 00:09:31,881 You think it's funny, right? 271 00:09:32,019 --> 00:09:34,021 I'm not the only one! 272 00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:35,057 Yeah, totally. 273 00:09:35,195 --> 00:09:36,714 I'm just gonna get my bag. 274 00:09:36,852 --> 00:09:38,060 All right. 275 00:09:38,198 --> 00:09:39,509 Another round of drinks! 276 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,042 "If you're reading this, 277 00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:57,597 then the fridge has been open too long." 278 00:09:57,735 --> 00:10:00,254 Oh, my God. 279 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,360 How did I end up here? 280 00:10:02,498 --> 00:10:03,844 Well, it's true. 281 00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:05,328 Aah! Aah! 282 00:10:05,466 --> 00:10:07,503 You never really know where life is gonna take you. 283 00:10:08,262 --> 00:10:09,885 Don't you come any closer. I will kill you. 284 00:10:10,023 --> 00:10:10,955 Don't bother. 285 00:10:11,093 --> 00:10:12,439 I'm already dead. 286 00:10:15,822 --> 00:10:17,340 Are you here to kill me? 287 00:10:17,478 --> 00:10:19,342 Please don't do that. Please, please don't do that. 288 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,275 No, I am not here to kill you. 289 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:23,553 My name is Monty Waxberg. 290 00:10:23,692 --> 00:10:26,177 ♪ Yummy Yum Bubble Gum♪ 291 00:10:26,315 --> 00:10:27,765 ♪ Juicy, juicy fun♪ 292 00:10:30,768 --> 00:10:32,597 Ta-da. C'est moi. 293 00:10:33,771 --> 00:10:34,703 Nope. Nuh-uh. 294 00:10:34,841 --> 00:10:36,049 No. I do not see dead people. 295 00:10:36,187 --> 00:10:37,222 No, no, no, no. 296 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,327 This has just got to be the chili cheese fries 297 00:10:38,465 --> 00:10:39,984 and the cake and the five cocktails 298 00:10:40,122 --> 00:10:41,157 and maybe the half gummy I ate. 299 00:10:41,295 --> 00:10:42,711 Go easy there, Keith Richards. 300 00:10:42,849 --> 00:10:44,816 You cannot comment because you are not real. 301 00:10:44,954 --> 00:10:46,576 So, I-- I'm just gonna-- 302 00:10:46,715 --> 00:10:48,337 I'm gonna go to my room, and I'm gonna lock the door, 303 00:10:48,475 --> 00:10:50,408 and I'm gonna put a bunch of heavy boxes in front of it. 304 00:10:50,546 --> 00:10:51,789 You know, not because I think that you're real, 305 00:10:51,927 --> 00:10:54,377 but just because, uh-- um, I need the cardio. 306 00:10:54,515 --> 00:10:55,516 And when I wake up in the morning, 307 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,725 you are gonna be gone! 308 00:10:56,863 --> 00:10:58,381 Goodnight! 309 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,221 - Mornin'! - Aah! 310 00:11:13,086 --> 00:11:14,604 Stay back. 311 00:11:14,743 --> 00:11:16,434 How did you get past the boxes? 312 00:11:16,572 --> 00:11:18,747 I have no idea. I've never been dead before. 313 00:11:18,885 --> 00:11:22,198 Also, I haven't had to pee since I died, 314 00:11:22,336 --> 00:11:23,959 which frees up a lot of time. 315 00:11:25,236 --> 00:11:26,375 - Company. - Come in. 316 00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:28,653 Are you okay? 317 00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:30,517 I just got home, and I heard you scream. 318 00:11:32,174 --> 00:11:33,209 No. 319 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,592 - Yeah, I'm okay. - Good. 320 00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:37,938 Will you clean the living room, please? 321 00:11:38,076 --> 00:11:39,768 Because it's filled with condoms. 322 00:11:39,906 --> 00:11:41,597 Duh. Yeah. What do you think 323 00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:42,702 I got this is for? 324 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,911 Okay, nice. 325 00:11:45,049 --> 00:11:46,533 Fun fact-- 326 00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:48,224 you're the only one that can see me. 327 00:11:48,362 --> 00:11:49,432 - No! - Yep. 328 00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:50,502 - No! - Yep. 329 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:51,745 No, no! 330 00:11:51,883 --> 00:11:52,781 No! 331 00:11:52,919 --> 00:11:54,610 This-- What is happening? 332 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:55,784 This is not happening. 333 00:11:55,922 --> 00:11:56,854 Oh, my God. 334 00:11:56,992 --> 00:11:58,614 I know I've been sad lately, 335 00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:00,305 and maybe even a little depressed, you know? 336 00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:01,962 And I haven't really been taking good care of myself. 337 00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:04,516 Maybe I just need to do more exercise. 338 00:12:04,654 --> 00:12:07,140 Oh, okay. Why don't we go for a bike ride? 339 00:12:07,278 --> 00:12:08,658 No, thank you. I need some air. 340 00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:13,836 Hey, Siri, text Sam. 341 00:12:13,974 --> 00:12:15,665 "Sorry I got over-served last night. 342 00:12:15,804 --> 00:12:17,667 Can, uh, we grab a cup of coffee later?" 343 00:12:19,117 --> 00:12:20,463 You don't want to eat here. 344 00:12:20,601 --> 00:12:23,018 Two words-- Cock. Roaches. 345 00:12:23,156 --> 00:12:24,467 No! 346 00:12:27,574 --> 00:12:29,162 Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go! 347 00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:30,784 Nell! Get out of the car! 348 00:12:30,922 --> 00:12:31,923 This is the guy that killed me! 349 00:12:32,061 --> 00:12:33,683 - What? - Just kidding. 350 00:12:33,822 --> 00:12:35,409 It was prostate cancer. 351 00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,484 Stop following me! 352 00:12:41,622 --> 00:12:43,003 Oh, God. Enough. 353 00:12:43,141 --> 00:12:44,315 What do I have to do to get you to leave? 354 00:12:44,453 --> 00:12:45,626 I don't know. 355 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,283 I have no idea why I'm here. 356 00:12:47,421 --> 00:12:48,802 No rules, no instructions. 357 00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:50,804 It's very poorly run. 358 00:12:50,942 --> 00:12:52,081 Okay, I've seen the movies. There's gotta be 359 00:12:52,219 --> 00:12:53,462 some magic words that I can say 360 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:54,670 to get you to move on. 361 00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,189 Ooh, like, um-- 362 00:12:56,327 --> 00:12:57,949 "I absolve you of your messed up life." 363 00:12:58,087 --> 00:13:00,124 "Go to the light, Carol Anne!" 364 00:13:01,504 --> 00:13:04,197 - My messed up life? - Yes. Your messed up life. 365 00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:05,992 I don't know if you remember, but I've been writing about you, 366 00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:08,235 and you're a dead, twice-divorced, wannabe musician 367 00:13:08,373 --> 00:13:10,341 who wrote one jingle that made me hate bubble gum. 368 00:13:10,479 --> 00:13:12,067 Uh-huh. And what about you? 369 00:13:12,205 --> 00:13:13,482 I've been around you for about 24 hours, 370 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:15,070 and I can tell, you're no prize. 371 00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:16,485 You drink too much, 372 00:13:16,623 --> 00:13:18,487 you're jealous of other people's happiness, 373 00:13:18,625 --> 00:13:20,178 and you literally just run away 374 00:13:20,316 --> 00:13:21,973 from any difficulty in your life. 375 00:13:24,493 --> 00:13:25,735 I'm not doing this. 376 00:13:25,874 --> 00:13:27,151 I'm not getting psychoanalyzed by some dead person. 377 00:13:27,289 --> 00:13:29,567 See? You're running away. 378 00:13:31,396 --> 00:13:33,019 I am n-- No. 379 00:13:33,157 --> 00:13:34,572 No. Ah. 380 00:13:34,710 --> 00:13:36,988 Great. Thank you. I just missed Sam's call. 381 00:13:38,231 --> 00:13:39,611 Hey, I got your text. 382 00:13:39,749 --> 00:13:41,544 Last night got a little out of hand. 383 00:13:41,682 --> 00:13:43,892 I mean, I know it was funny how we used to not like Lexi, 384 00:13:44,030 --> 00:13:46,964 but she's been a great friend to me while you've been gone. 385 00:13:47,102 --> 00:13:48,966 She is also the boss, so if I were you, 386 00:13:49,104 --> 00:13:51,175 I would think about apologizing. 387 00:13:51,313 --> 00:13:53,833 Anyway, I guess we'll talk later. 388 00:13:53,971 --> 00:13:56,490 So, what are you gonna do now? 389 00:14:02,565 --> 00:14:04,740 What...? 390 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:09,296 Well, this is, um, quite the office, Lexi. 391 00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:11,057 Whoa. 392 00:14:11,195 --> 00:14:13,887 Ah. Yes, that's the horse that bucked me-- Todd. 393 00:14:14,025 --> 00:14:15,578 I keep it as a reminder of my failures. 394 00:14:15,716 --> 00:14:17,857 - Wow. - So, what can I do for you? 395 00:14:17,995 --> 00:14:21,308 I wanted to drop off some apology donuts. 396 00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:22,827 Last night, I wasn't at my best, 397 00:14:22,965 --> 00:14:24,725 and I wanted to say I'm sorry 398 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,038 and I promise to be more professional from now on. 399 00:14:28,522 --> 00:14:29,765 Did you steal these from the break room? 400 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:30,973 No. Why? 401 00:14:31,111 --> 00:14:32,147 Several have bites taken out of them, 402 00:14:32,285 --> 00:14:34,701 and it says "break room" on the box. 403 00:14:34,839 --> 00:14:35,978 Then, yes, I did. 404 00:14:36,116 --> 00:14:37,221 Okay. Uh, sorry. 405 00:14:37,359 --> 00:14:38,774 Bye. 406 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,501 That was a pretty half-assed apology. 407 00:14:41,639 --> 00:14:43,089 I mean, obviously, you have something 408 00:14:43,227 --> 00:14:44,400 you'd like to say to me. 409 00:14:44,538 --> 00:14:46,333 So, be a reporter. 410 00:14:46,471 --> 00:14:47,748 Give me the full story. 411 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,164 I don't think that's a good idea. 412 00:14:49,302 --> 00:14:51,269 I have an idea. 413 00:14:51,407 --> 00:14:53,789 Let's take 30 seconds and tell the other person 414 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,792 exactly what we think of them with no repercussions. 415 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,483 Huh? I'll go first. 416 00:14:58,621 --> 00:15:01,176 I think you are a sloppy drunk. 417 00:15:01,314 --> 00:15:02,315 Oh, wow. 418 00:15:02,453 --> 00:15:03,385 You're just gonna go right in there. 419 00:15:03,523 --> 00:15:05,352 Well, I think your relationship 420 00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,044 with your horse is inappropriate. 421 00:15:07,182 --> 00:15:09,322 I think that shirt looks like it was bought from Wet Seal. 422 00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:10,771 I took the bites out of those donuts. 423 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,497 You still work in newspapers. 424 00:15:12,635 --> 00:15:15,155 You work in newspapers. 425 00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:16,639 I knew you didn't want me at your birthday party, 426 00:15:16,777 --> 00:15:18,089 but I invited myself anyway. 427 00:15:18,227 --> 00:15:20,712 I don't think you're good enough to be friends with Sam. 428 00:15:24,268 --> 00:15:26,408 When Dennis asked me to hire you, I said no. 429 00:15:26,546 --> 00:15:28,548 You gave up a promising career to chase after some guy, 430 00:15:28,686 --> 00:15:29,721 and when it doesn't work out, 431 00:15:29,859 --> 00:15:31,309 I'm supposed to pick up the pieces? 432 00:15:31,447 --> 00:15:34,036 I only changed my mind when Sam told me you were in a sad spot 433 00:15:34,174 --> 00:15:35,831 and really needed to catch a break. 434 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,557 I hired you for her. 435 00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,973 But I am your boss, and if you don't perform, 436 00:15:40,111 --> 00:15:41,112 you will be the first to go, 437 00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:42,838 and it won't matter who you're friends with. 438 00:15:45,013 --> 00:15:47,084 Okay, good to know. 439 00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:50,363 I really don't think that's a fun game, by the way. 440 00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:52,192 Oh, it's a lot better if you're playing with your family. 441 00:15:59,717 --> 00:16:00,925 - Are you here? - Yep. 442 00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:02,858 - Oh. - I keep closing my eyes 443 00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:05,412 and hoping when I open them, I'll be in Madrid. 444 00:16:07,035 --> 00:16:09,209 Oh, no. What's with the face? 445 00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:11,901 For some dumb reason, 446 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,869 I thought that I would just 447 00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:16,630 come back home and pick back up where I left off, 448 00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:19,771 but... everything's changed 449 00:16:19,909 --> 00:16:22,464 and I feel really disconnected from everyone. 450 00:16:25,087 --> 00:16:26,537 So, what do we do then? 451 00:16:26,675 --> 00:16:28,642 Just sit here and feel sorry for you 452 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,403 for the rest of eternity? Hmm? 453 00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:32,060 Am I in Hell? 454 00:16:32,198 --> 00:16:34,407 - If you're with me, probably. - Oh, my God. 455 00:16:34,545 --> 00:16:37,168 You know, I can't listen to any more of your whining. 456 00:16:37,306 --> 00:16:38,411 I'm either gonna smother you with that pillow 457 00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:39,826 or we're going out. 458 00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:41,828 Smother me. 459 00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:54,358 This is so dumb. 460 00:16:54,496 --> 00:16:55,876 What are we doing here? 461 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,292 I mean, [scoffs] are we gonna split a bruschetta? 462 00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:00,467 You know, you don't need those things. 463 00:17:00,605 --> 00:17:03,436 I feel like everyone is staring at me, 464 00:17:03,574 --> 00:17:05,438 wondering what's wrong with me 465 00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:08,510 and why I'm all alone in such a beautiful place. 466 00:17:08,648 --> 00:17:09,787 Let me tell you something. 467 00:17:09,925 --> 00:17:12,652 I was prodigy on the piano. 468 00:17:12,790 --> 00:17:15,862 I moved to California in the Summer of Love, 469 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,451 and I was gonna make incredible music. 470 00:17:18,589 --> 00:17:20,487 And I ended up writing... 471 00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,351 -♪ Yummy Yum--♪ - Oh, no singing. 472 00:17:22,489 --> 00:17:23,835 I know. It's embarrassing. 473 00:17:25,113 --> 00:17:26,631 Because I wanted so much more. 474 00:17:28,323 --> 00:17:29,841 So, I got angry, 475 00:17:29,979 --> 00:17:32,189 and I pushed people away. 476 00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:34,708 And eventually, I climbed out of my own ass 477 00:17:34,846 --> 00:17:38,471 and realized that there were people all around me 478 00:17:38,609 --> 00:17:40,024 living their lives... 479 00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:44,270 ...not caring about what life should be, 480 00:17:44,408 --> 00:17:46,237 but about what it is. 481 00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:49,447 And when I got that, everything changed. 482 00:17:50,655 --> 00:17:52,692 I mean, look at that woman over there. 483 00:17:52,830 --> 00:17:54,349 She's not self-conscious. 484 00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:57,179 Just enjoying life as it's happening right now. 485 00:17:57,317 --> 00:17:59,181 - You don't have to do this. - Do what? 486 00:17:59,319 --> 00:18:00,838 Ghost-of-Christmas-Future me into thinking 487 00:18:00,976 --> 00:18:02,426 that if I don't change my ways, 488 00:18:02,564 --> 00:18:04,497 I'm gonna end up alone and all dressed up, 489 00:18:04,635 --> 00:18:06,533 wearing some ugly turquoise necklace. 490 00:18:06,671 --> 00:18:08,949 Or maybe you wear it because your husband 491 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,814 bought it for you in Spain for your anniversary. 492 00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:17,372 Is that your wife? 493 00:18:17,510 --> 00:18:18,787 Yes, it is. 494 00:18:18,925 --> 00:18:20,547 Oh, my God. 495 00:18:24,206 --> 00:18:25,587 I'm so sorry. 496 00:18:25,725 --> 00:18:28,037 I ju-- I-I just can't seem to get out of my own way. 497 00:18:28,176 --> 00:18:29,073 I'm a mess. 498 00:18:29,211 --> 00:18:30,764 - Yeah, you are. - Thanks. 499 00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,525 - But, you know, it's okay. - Hmm? 500 00:18:32,663 --> 00:18:35,459 'Cause so was I before I met Cricket. 501 00:18:37,323 --> 00:18:40,981 God, I wish I could tell her once more how beautiful she is. 502 00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:51,544 Okay. 503 00:18:54,271 --> 00:18:55,168 Excuse me. 504 00:18:55,306 --> 00:18:57,343 I hope this isn't too weird, 505 00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,241 but I just thought someone should tell you 506 00:18:59,379 --> 00:19:01,140 how beautiful you look tonight. 507 00:19:01,278 --> 00:19:04,039 Well, isn't that a kick? 508 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:05,213 Thank you. 509 00:19:05,351 --> 00:19:06,869 And I really love your necklace. 510 00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,355 My husband gave it to me. 511 00:19:09,493 --> 00:19:13,462 It's a little gaudy, but it makes me think of him. 512 00:19:15,084 --> 00:19:16,948 You know, this is-- this is really out of character for me, 513 00:19:17,086 --> 00:19:18,743 but would it be the strangest thing 514 00:19:18,881 --> 00:19:21,090 if I asked to join you for a glass of wine? 515 00:19:21,229 --> 00:19:23,472 Only if it's tequila. 516 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,442 I'm Nell. 517 00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:28,719 I'm Cricket. 518 00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:35,208 Come in. 519 00:19:36,071 --> 00:19:37,210 Hey. 520 00:19:37,348 --> 00:19:38,798 I got more poop bags for Arthur's business 521 00:19:38,936 --> 00:19:41,904 so you're always ready. 522 00:19:42,042 --> 00:19:43,768 Thank you. 523 00:19:43,906 --> 00:19:45,356 Is there something else? 524 00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:48,842 Technically, it's not called Asperger's anymore. 525 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,913 It's called "Autism Spectrum Disorder." 526 00:19:51,051 --> 00:19:52,156 It means a lot of different things 527 00:19:52,294 --> 00:19:53,951 to a lot of different people, but for me, 528 00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:56,781 it means I need structure and routine. 529 00:19:56,919 --> 00:19:58,300 There's a right way to do things, 530 00:19:58,438 --> 00:20:00,992 and there's a wrong way to do things. 531 00:20:01,130 --> 00:20:02,442 And there's not much in-between. 532 00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:05,445 - Like the poop bags. - Yeah. Kinda. 533 00:20:05,583 --> 00:20:06,515 But I'm an environmental lawyer, 534 00:20:06,653 --> 00:20:08,414 so that's just being responsible. 535 00:20:08,552 --> 00:20:11,140 - The world's on fire right now. - Right. 536 00:20:11,279 --> 00:20:13,212 Also... 537 00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:15,973 I know at times I could be... 538 00:20:16,111 --> 00:20:19,148 difficult to live with. 539 00:20:19,287 --> 00:20:20,909 Or so I've been told. 540 00:20:23,118 --> 00:20:24,326 So have I. 541 00:20:24,464 --> 00:20:26,397 So, maybe we're a good match. 542 00:20:30,643 --> 00:20:31,920 Well, have a nice day. 543 00:20:32,058 --> 00:20:35,648 ♪ Made a wrong turn♪ 544 00:20:35,786 --> 00:20:37,995 ♪ Once or twice♪ 545 00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:40,169 What are the markers of a life well lived? 546 00:20:40,308 --> 00:20:43,069 We try to describe people's lives in one sentence. 547 00:20:43,207 --> 00:20:44,657 "She was a successful journalist." 548 00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:47,798 "He was an old friend and a new boss." 549 00:20:47,936 --> 00:20:49,075 "She was a working mom." 550 00:20:49,213 --> 00:20:50,456 It's too many kisses! 551 00:20:52,009 --> 00:20:53,666 "He was the Yummy Yum Bubble Gum guy." 552 00:20:53,804 --> 00:20:55,633 But the truth is, there isn't one sentence 553 00:20:55,771 --> 00:20:57,290 that can describe a life. 554 00:20:57,428 --> 00:20:58,498 No, I know that we're not where we're supposed to be, 555 00:20:58,636 --> 00:20:59,948 but I-I have a plan. 556 00:21:00,086 --> 00:21:01,398 It's just taking a little bit longer than-- 557 00:21:01,536 --> 00:21:02,813 Because life is complicated. 558 00:21:02,951 --> 00:21:04,987 Thanks, Dad. 559 00:21:05,125 --> 00:21:07,473 And people aren't always who we think they are. 560 00:21:07,611 --> 00:21:10,648 The real truth is, we're all a work in progress, 561 00:21:10,786 --> 00:21:12,512 and so are our relationships-- 562 00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,169 the old ones we're trying to keep... 563 00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:15,653 Byow-byow-byow! 564 00:21:15,791 --> 00:21:18,138 ...and sometimes, 565 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,830 if we're lucky, 566 00:21:19,968 --> 00:21:22,729 it's the new ones that take us by surprise. 567 00:21:22,867 --> 00:21:24,973 Hey! 568 00:21:25,111 --> 00:21:27,389 Are you ready to rock our faces off? 569 00:21:27,527 --> 00:21:30,668 - Sure am. - Come on, girl. I can tell you 570 00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:32,429 - about the '80s, now. - Oh. Please. 571 00:21:34,154 --> 00:21:36,674 "And since, as Monty Waxberg believed, 572 00:21:36,812 --> 00:21:39,263 you never really know where life is going to take you, 573 00:21:39,401 --> 00:21:42,231 so just open up your heart along the way and listen. 574 00:21:42,370 --> 00:21:44,786 Everyone has a story if you just take the time 575 00:21:44,924 --> 00:21:47,029 to find out what it is." 576 00:21:48,514 --> 00:21:49,791 I would tell you this is really good, 577 00:21:49,929 --> 00:21:51,310 but then you'd just want to start a union, 578 00:21:51,448 --> 00:21:53,726 so instead, I'm just gonna upload it to publication. 579 00:21:53,864 --> 00:21:56,107 - Okay. - Okay. 580 00:21:57,143 --> 00:21:58,972 Don't let those nice words go to your head, old man. 581 00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:01,250 I'm just trying to keep this job. 582 00:22:05,393 --> 00:22:07,187 Didn't even say goodbye. 583 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,396 What a jerk. 584 00:22:08,534 --> 00:22:10,777 Hey, I just e-mailed you your next assignment-- 585 00:22:10,915 --> 00:22:13,608 a woman who ran a successful Dim Sum restaurant in Chinatown. 586 00:22:13,746 --> 00:22:15,575 On it. 587 00:22:18,198 --> 00:22:19,510 - Hi. - Oh. 588 00:22:19,648 --> 00:22:21,063 I'm gonna be honest because I'm dead. 589 00:22:21,201 --> 00:22:22,582 Your natural deodorant doesn't work. 590 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,446 And why aren't you married? 591 00:22:24,584 --> 00:22:26,379 Time's ticking. 592 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:34,111 Captioned by VITAC-- 39947

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