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Well, recording.

This is the first day of the video diary for Gaby's vacatioin.

That is, me.

We're in RS's summer house. We arrived about half an hour ago.

We're unpacking and are about to go to a beach that is about an hour from here.

Fabio, that guy right there, insists that the beach is awesome.

That it is so so awesome that it's secret.

Because he went to a beach festival about three years ago

And he told us that it's the best beach festival that ever existed in Puerto Rico.

Fabio! Fabio! Fabio!

Fabio...

Supposedly the festival is held around this time.

But we haven't heard anything.

What we're going to do is go there without a plan, as always, and see what happens.

I have my own plans this summer.

I plan on meeting the most beautiful woman in the world.

She is spontaneous, delicate, professional and super sexy.

I love her.

And she will be the protagonist in all of my movies.

But that's for later.

For now we're gonna go hang in Playa Roja.

Hey, Gaby, record this.

Vulgar.

That was Chicho.

I was forgetting to introduce my friends.

I'll start with Fabio.

Fabio's the weird one.

We call him the philosopher.

He smokes way too much weed so he's always high.

But he's a really smart guy.

We have RS.

RS is the one with the money.

The one with the ladies.

And the one with the house.

Women drool over him.

Maybe it's because of the money.

And Chicho.

Him I can describe with three words...

Fat. Vulgar. And sick.

But, those are my friends. For now, over and out.

Over and out?

What kind of bullshit is that?

Let's go have a hardcore hang out!

Dude, I'm bored.

We should have gone to Jobos.

This was your idea, dumbass.

Damn, man, my nipples are burning.

You mean your boobs?

Hand over the sunblock.

Well, my friends since there's nothing to do I will procede to take out the wasasa.

What are you doing?

Meditating.

Meditating?

That's why people think you're gay.

Gaby isn't gay, he's shy.

A pussy. And if you don't score this summer we're gonna upgrade you to gay. Confirmed!

I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

I am in love and I am sure of what I am.

And for your information I am saving myself.

You see this?

This is a temple and it will be desecrated by the perfect woman.

Amanda!

I love you Amanda!

Who?

Amanda.

That's a beautiful name.

Who the fuck is Amanda?

A bit more hair. Okay. Good.

Very good. That's all Amanda. Thank you.

-Thank you -Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, Dalesio, I need a dress for tonight.

-Tonight is Lucio Capellys's party and I need to look gorgeous. -You always look gorgeous, honey.

I know.

Where do you think I should go? I want it to be exclusive. I don't want to see anyone else there with my dress.

Let's go to Carlianny. He called me yesterday to go see his new line.

Surely there could be something that would help you stand out.

I always stand out. What's the matter with you?

-Go get the car for me, please. I want to get out of here as soon as possible. -Sure, sure.

-Take Horacio. I'll give you a call when I'm downstairs. -Very well but hurry up because I am exhausted.

I don't know why people say that Schaefer tastes bad. I remember it was really popular back in the day.

If you drink Schaefer you fuck your dad. I prefer Blue Label.

"I prefer Blue Label."

Because you have money, dude! The Heir!

What was that?

Look, I love you man but you know you're only drinking Blue Label because you have a horse.

And like you say "if you don't have a horse you're riding your mother."

-I drink Blue Label because it tastes good. -Of course that shit tastes good!

When you order that in a bar a waiter appears and bows his head and everything when he hands it over!

Shit's expensive as fuck!

It's just a fine liqueur.

You better have a life plan, my friend.

Because if you want to keep paying for those Blue Labels you're always drinking...

you're gonna have to feed the horse and show the money.

I have a life plan. I know my family isn't going to support me forever.

Oh, yeah? What's your plan?

I'm gonna marry a rich cougar.

These girlies don't motivate me anymore. Now I'm interested in cougars with money

and kinky habits. I'm gonna be like my Uncle John.

I have a life plan too.

Coke crops are illegal in Puerto Rico.

It's not about that, my dear circular friend.

Have you guys ever heard of the sale of future shares?

Future shares?

The same business that turned the executives of Enron into millionares.

You sell your company's shares now convincing your clients they'll be worth more in the future.

It's selling dreams like you guys say...

but invented by the smartest bunch of guys in the world.

Weren't those guys prosecuted in 2006 for doing just that?

Yeah. But that was because they got caught.

And what makes you think you won't get caught?

Easy.

I stop before they catch me.

"I stop before they catch me."

That's like...

Getting it on with your neighbor's wife...

and before you can get caught you stop.

Dude, you're a genius.

-I'll toast to that! -Cheers!

You stop before they-- duh! Of course!

-Hello, Amanda. I am a big fan of yours! -Really? Thank you. Where are you from?

From Cayey.

From the country side... I see.

Will you be going to the party tonight?

Of course. Everyone's going. Hello!

Yes!

I would like to see you there.

I don't know you.

I know, but we can get to know each other there.

Send me a picture and I will think about it.

Shit!

I'll have to do it.

Not bad at all.

What car did you say you have?

What car?

A BMW isn't all that bad.

I think we can keep talking a bit more.

I hope you won't disappoint me.

I won't.

I'll see you tonight.

My love.

Okay, whatever.

Oh, shit!

Now what do I do?

Woah, sit down right here my dear friend.

Did you sleep well?

Sit down.

-You made me breakfast? -Yeah.

Remember what I told you.

People do the math and continue to think you're gay.

No. No I'm not.

I just need you to do me a favor tonight.

I knew it.

I need you to meet Amanda for me.

You want me to meet her for you?

And hook up with her for you as well?

No! Just meet her.

It's just that she thinks you're me.

I was chatting with her, she asked me for a picture and so I sent her yours.

Mine was no good.

She also asked me what car I had. I told her it was a BMW.

What car you had?

-That's something a selfish woman would ask. -She's not selfish. She's refined.

A snob! Asking you what car you drive? That's bullshit!

Don't get involved.

Besides women like that only like good looking guys with money.

Like me.

And to get her to give you a piece you're gonna have to work really hard.

Fuck it! I'll work hard! I'm in love.

In love? You don't even know her.

Look, when you try some pussy, any pussy, love will go to hell.

In fact, if you want I can introduce you to a cousin of mine who's always in heat!

She sleeps with any guy even if he's ugly.

I don't want an easy woman.

I do. I'm practically climbing walls.

Women like Amanda are good looking and all but

they're so delicate your body can't enjoy them.

They don't give head.

They don't swallow.

They don't give you the small hole.

What do you want a girlfriend like that for?

To love and care for her.

Love and care for her?

That's a good one, Gaby. "To love and care for her."

Hey, Gaby, Gaby.

Don't leave, man. Come here.

Love and care for her? Good one.

Tonight I'm gonna give you an intensive class on how to pick up women.

Sound good?

-Really? -Yes. "Love and care for her". Okay.

-Thank you! You're my brother, RS! -Whoa! Don't kiss me. Don't kiss me.

Okay, okay.

Check it out. Bitches.

Damn, man. And I'm not in the mood to work...

Wanna go fishing?

Let's go in before the cacos get here.

Damn, we're too late.

What they want is muscle mass.

Dude, you think those girls are excited because the guy's strong?

Well, they say that women have a strong tendency for the black race.

And why do you think that is?

Could it be because of the Yin Yang?

Yin Yang my balls, dude! Look at the size of that dude's dong!

Damn! That guy lives far.

That's what's got those girls all hot.

It can't be... No! What kind of gay stuff is this?

Dude! They're tutti frutti!

Well, perfect! Now it's on.

Hey, girls. What's up?

Where you from?

Ocean Park.

Oh, that's nice. And are you by yourselves?

We're together.

Of course.

Is this a gay beach?

Not that I know of.

So why are all the men in bikinis, greased up and in pairs?

Well, sweety, I don't know but I'm really not gay and

I'm here with my friends. I came over to invite you to hang out.

There's four of us.

You, that one and the stoner?

Me, the stoner and RS. And a friend of ours named Gaby.

-RS? -You know him?

-RS from Los Paseos? -That's the one.

Oh, okay.

Are you coming with us?

Not in a long time but, you have weed?

Ha! Home-grown, baby.

Let's go, then.

Check this out.

Two Face Flower, my favorite band. I have the t-shirt and everything.

That's nice.

Hey, did you notice your friend is fucking my friend?

Gosh!

I hadn't noticed.

For a while now.

Wow... that's crazy, right?

They're out of control!

You want me to blow you?

-I'm sorry? -Like that.

We just met.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna fall in love.

I don't know. I don't know.

Are you gay?

No! I'm not gay! I just don't want it!

Fine! All men like to be blown!

And the iPod Nano is for girls!

-Chicho! -Oh, damn, man!

Hey, hey, hey! Don't look! Screw you if you look!

These girls will most likely be at the party.

Gaby, learn this. Lesson number one

you have to give yourself status. You have to make yourself important.

We're riding in a BMW. We're automatically good looking.

You can be ugly as fuck, like Chicho

but if you're riding in a car like this you're good looking

Look how they look at us.

-There she is! -Where? -Amanda!

Damn, dude! That's too much for you.

I know, I know.

Relax. Look, we just got here, okay?

When I talk to her I'll let you know if you'll be able to or not.

Be right back.

You won't be able to.

I knew it.

You know what the problem is? She's fucking pretentious.

You know what was the first thing she asked me?

Where I was from? Who my parents are?

If I studied in Yale and all that bullshit.

Damn, when she finds out I study at Rivera's College. I'm screwed!

Well, look. I'm saying you won't be able to

and that's because you're not ready today.

You never know. The first thing you need to do is work up your self-confidence.

If she sees you're sure of yourself, that helps you a lot.

Okay. How do I do that?

You see that girl over there?

You're gonna go over to her and tell her this...

-Seriously? -Yeah, go!

Go!

Tell me.

Shall we?

-You see the padawan? -Yeah, he's dancing with María la popa.

¿La popa?

La popa.

I'm not even gonna ask.

You've turned him into quite the ladies man.

Nah. I just told him the password she likes.

The password?

The password.

What password, dude?

Who wrote this script?

I told him to tell her "I go down the well even if it smells like hell.”

What?

That's the password.

I can't believe it, dude.

You've spent the entire night talking to every girl except me.

Not interested anymore?

Oh! Yeah. It's just that since I got here I've been having a good time with my friends and all.

But I am interested. Tell me about yourself.

As you can see I enjoy being alone.

I have lots of suitors but I'm not attracted to any of them.

-Hard to get, huh? -Selective.

"Distance and category" as my mother would say.

From a golden crib, huh?

Look who's talking!

And you? Where did you get the car?

My dad gave it to me.

Well then you can't talk because you, darling, are also from a golden crib.

Although, there's nothing wrong with that.

Um... the party's really good, right?

Come on. I want you to meet my friends.

Amanda, I'd like to introduce you to one of my best friends.

Gaby.

Hello.

He's one of the smartest guys in my class.

Graduated with honors.

That's nice.

You know everyone's huddled around you tonight. You are desirable.

That me on.

But I would much rather hang out with my friend Gaby.

He always has great advice and knows how to treat women.

Gaby, say something to Amanda. Something you know she wants to hear.

Something poetic.

I am a poor fool...

who breathes slowly...

but I always enjoy life...

and I am not lazy...

and if you want I'll go down the well even if it smells like hell.

I fucked it up!

Now, she'll never notice me.

My life stinks!

Dude, you drank too much.

You couldn't say the password to Amanda. Not every woman falls for that.

What happened?

He said the password to Amanda.

Na! You dog, dude! That's awesome!

You sai-- No, that's not right.

But, dude, you were hitting it off with another girl, what happened?

Yeah, man. Don't make things complicated for yourself.

Dude, be like me. Look, I met her here tonight, she's hammered...

divorced, three kids. She's all over the place, man. It’s a sure thing!

Right, mamita?

And she knows the popola song! Tell me this isn't a sure thing!

Don't give me anymore cos my popola hurts. Give me from behind...

Forget about that! I am condemned to loneliness.

The woman I love rejected me!

I'm gonna kill myself!

Turn it on!

-Turn it on! -Come on, man, cut the crap!

You want me to tell you what I think about that Amanda?

She's a bitch!

Without money you won’t get anywhere.

Fall for another one.

And to top it off she slapped him.

What!? No, man!

You have to make them respect you! You're a man! Men should be respected!

These things never happened in the past! Back then women were submissive and it was better that way!

No woman will ever slap me!

Shut up, you big lug!

Bitch!

-You'll see the big lug later, you hear me? -Pig! -You'll see the big lug later.

Relax, Gaby. We'll think of something.

Recording.

Last night was a bust.

Amanda hit me in the face for telling her the password.

I suppose I'll have to think of another way to seduce her.

I don't know what it is about her but I can't stop thinking about her...

can't stop imagining her...

can't stop wanting her.

But...

Today we're going camping to Guajataca Forest.

It's supposed to be fun.

I don't know. We'll see.

But I definitely need a new plan.

It's been a while since I came in contact with nature.

You come in contact with it every day. You smoke it.

Dude, I hate the outdoors.

I hate insects and mosquitoes.

And I'm tired, man.

And to top it off I know as soon as I enter the mountain my feet are gonna get riddled with twigs.

Stuck over here.

What you have to do is stop eating so much and start losing weight.

Dude, you should record Chicho on the trail so he can hear how much he complains.

I'll take out the camera!

Look at that!

-They're dykes. -You think?

You want me to prove it?

Hey, girls! How you doin'?

Good. How's the water?

It's good. Come on, jump in.

Look at that! Now it's on!

Wait, wait!

Hey, it's your turn!

Are there rocks in the bottom?

No, come on, get in!

If something happens to me it's on you guys.

Don't worry, we'll rescue you.

Something bit my boob!

Fucking shit!

I'm outta here!

I got bitten too! They're piranhas!

They're piranhas!

They're messing with us.

Piranhas!

Don't leave me! Please don't leave me!

-Come on! -I can't get out of here!

-What dumbasses. -Oh, yeah.

Suckers!

You dumbasses shit your pants, didn't you? I shit my pants.

It's been a long time since I got taken in like that by a woman.

Those girls were dykes, you think they were even remotely interested in men? Please!

And Gaby? What's he up to?

Gaby? Gaby's scared shitless, dude.

He's scared of the goths and the crazy bitches from the river.

Gaby! Come here!

Let me finish spraying flee in here!

I don't want a centipede to bite me!

Tonight is Ritual Night. That's why they had the rooster.

That's what I told Gaby.

Hey, did they ever find those gringos that disappeared here in Guajataca?

They found them dead.

Apparently for a Satanic ritual...

by goths.

Yeah, right. What a joke.

I'm not gonna fall for that.

Don't believe, but it's true.

You guys just want to scare me and I'm not falling for it.

I imagine that's what the gringos thought.

They didn't believe and in the morning they were found hanging from their feet...

without a single drop of blood.

They peel them like chickens and roosters

and then they cut their private parts.

Who?

The goths.

You know I'm not falling for it, right?

That's fine, don't believe. But as Dave Chappelle says...

"Night, night and keep you butthole tight."

"Your butthole tight."

Psst, psst. Hey, guys?

Are you there?

Stop messing around. It's not funny anymore.

RS, I'm scared ha--

You can come out now.

Chicho! Chicho, come out!

Their agenda is to mess with me.

But they'll see. They'll see.

Where's the camera?

I'm gonna turn the tables.

This is gonna be the horror scene for the movie.

This is Fabio's shirt.

They take me for a fool.

But I'm going the right way.

Amanda?

Tonight Satan will receive a double sacrifice!

Why double?

Double... because we will sacrifice only these two.

The fat one we'll roast at the rod.

What!? I told him to lose weight!

This one...

we'll cut off his dick!

Dick for Satan! Dick for Satan!

And this one...

we'll also cut off his dick!

Dick for Satan! Dick for Satan!

Oh, no, not now!

Not now!

Brothers...

Tonight our sect will take its second important step.

First it was the gringos.

And now, it's the native boricua's turn!

We will cut off their dicks and burn them.

And then we'll get high just for kicks.

-Are you ready? -We're ready!

-What do we have for tonight?

Dick for Satan! Dick for Satan!

What do I do? What do I do?

There's somebody there! Get him!

Don't come near me! I'm crazy! I have caca!

Caca!

I'm crazy!

Gaby!

Come on, we're leaving!

RS! Come here.

Look! It's Amanda.

Yeah, she was camping here, too.

That means I felt her presence last night.

That's why she was in my dream!

And I bet you didn't bang her in your dream.

Nah, man.

I have to talk to her. I have to talk to her. I'm going to talk to her.

I'm gonna apologize.

Man, you go.

-Dude, forget about that woman! -I can't!

Come on. Please. Go. She's right there.

Waiting for you. Come on. Go. Please?

-You're pathetic, my friend. -Well then go.

Go, come on, she's right there.

Please?

Alright fine, I'll go! I'll go! You look like you're about to have a heart attack.

Well, look who's here.

-How are you? -Good.

Girls, this is RS, the friend I told you about.

And is this the one that goes down the well?

No. That was his friend.

That was Gaby. He was really wasted that time

and he's really ashamed. Also he wanted to apologize to you.

What are you doing today?

-Aerobics, honey, remember. -Oh, that's right. I have my aerobics class.

Okay?

But you can go. I mean if you'd like to.

Because it's just a group of girlfriends in leotards bending all the time and sweating.

I have no problem with that.

Here. Call me?

I'll call you.

You bitch! He's yummy.

That one? That's one's going to be my boyfriend. Good looking and rich.

And, his friends?

Oh, horrible! Look for yourself.

Ugly and vulgar.

Yeah, I saw.

What happened?

I got you her number.

Nah! You're kidding!

You have some aerobics clothes? You're gonna need them.

1...2...3...4...

5...6...7...8

2...3...4...5...6...7...8

Wow...

She's so beautiful!

I prefer the instructor. She's hot.

She's a bit older.

Just the way I like them.

I don't get you, sometimes.

There are a lot of things you won't get, my dear Spielberg wannabe.

So go get changed.

-Aren't you gonna get changed? -Nah. I'll distract them.

I'll take care of the instructor.

Ven, nena, ven que te voy a regalar un muñeco de cuero con la cabeza pelá.

Ven, nena, ven que te tengo una cosita con el cuerpo recto y la cabeza rosita.

Que tu puedas jugar, que tu puedas trepar [...]

Ra Ra Ra, se mueve.

Perhaps what you need is some kind of synthetic fertilizer or something.

Or would you prefer a bit of poop?

Talk to me! Tell me! What can I do for you?

I know.

They say too much of this stuff can have its narcotic effect.

I don't know. But let's try it out.

Quiero amanecer con alguien.

Amor de noche.

Vendo una boca rosa.

Que se quede el infinito [...]

-What happened!? -I'm gonna die!

Why are you screaming like that!?

A cockroach!

You make yourself out to be a badass tough guy and you're scared of a roach?

I don't care! Kill it!

-I can't deal! -Dumbass.

It's too tight.

Forget about that. Look, you're gonna go in, go to the back and follow the routine.

Okay?

I can't do it.

I don't want to hear that, okay!?

Focus on your prey.

Two...

Amanda, start with the Amazonic routine

Alright, girls.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Hey, I have a question. What training do you do to make your body look so...

...fuckable?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Now we get up.

We lie down.

Contract and raise.

Down.

Contract and raise.

Down.

Contract and raise.

Down.

Wait a minute.

What's your problem?

Excuse me? I'm talking to the only guy in the class.

The one who turned away. Turn around, please.

So, you married?

Yes. My husband and I run the gym.

And where's he?

I don't know. I think he went out for a while.

-And if he catches us? -He'll kill us.

Both of us. Maybe only you.

Not you?

Maybe. He owes me one and this is my revenge.

Well...

The important thing here is that you cum.

Turn around.

I already turned around.

No, no, no, no, the other way. Girls?

That is not sweat.

We have an early riser here!

It can't be!

I know you enjoyed it.

Is that what you think?

Well, I can't go on.

Besides you had an orgasm.

Not at all, baby.

A minute is not enough time.

You should get yourself checked out. It's kind of pathetic.

That doesn't happen to my husband.

-There she is! -Oh, hey! You're here!

-Hey, all good? -All good.

-Can I help you with something? -No, thank you.

I'm just here to pick up my friend Gaby.

He was just here exercising.

Awesome. Welcome to the gym. If you need anything

just ask and if I'm not here my wife will service you.

Yeah, thanks.

-Are you looking to lose weight? -Yeah.

Look what I have here. The number one book for losing weight in Puerto Rico '100% Fat Free.'

So let's lose weight and get in shape. Here, a gift for signing up.

-Thanks. -Cool. -Later. -Let's get in shape!

Chicho. Chicho, man wake up. Chicho!

I'm a loser. I'm not gonna try anymore, it's not worth it.

What a bad trip, man.

What's wrong with him?

-A roach. -What?

He was taking a shower and he saw a roach and apparently he's deathly afraid of them. He's catatonic.

Chicho. Chicho, can you hear me?

Trust me I've tried everything and nothing works.

-Slap him. -We can't do that!

I don't know! Pinch a nipple.

No. Let's take him to the hospital.

And what will we say?

"Doctor we have a patient here that's been motionless since he saw a roach."

They're gonna take one look at us and say the guy's stoned

and that he has a toy car stuck up his ass like in Jackass.

I know!

Let's give him an enema.

If you're gonna do that let me know because I am not up for the sight of a hairy ass.

Just what we needed! This vacation has been a disaster!

Everything's been going wrong! Why don't we leave? We better leave.

What's wrong? What's got you down, man?

Man, I screwed up with Amanda again.

He got hard during the aerobics class.

No. Not just that! Amanda saw and exposed me.

-Damn! -Pathetic!

Pathetic!

Pathetic? I was having sex with the instructor

and I came early.

And she made fun of me. Now, that's pathetic!

Does this have an expiration date? No, right?

This vacation is disastrous.

Disastrous like my girls.

I can't seem to mix them with anything.

They're dying on me.

Fatty! Fatty! Don't you die on me too.

What are we gonna do? We have to take him to the hospital.

We can take Chicho to the hospital.

But they're not gonna cure him.

Fabio needs a formula.

I need some kind of remedy.

And you...

You need to be born again.

There's only one person on this earth that can help us.

My Uncle John.

Your uncle John, who's that? Man, this is serious!

Take it easy, man. You don't know him.

Uncle John is the biggest son of a bitch you could ever meet.

Let's start with the fact that he's a Vietnam veteran.

Second, he's a chemist.

And third he has a harem.

A harem?

A harem, dude!

The guy lives with his millionaire wife.

Wo, by the way, let's him live in the house with all his women.

She works all day and he does nothing. He does jack-shit.

And he's a chemist.

A Harvard graduated chemist.

He enlisted for shits and giggles.

As he puts it "to kill Chinamen."

And the other women?

There are like ten. Well at least a year ago there were ten.

How does he do it? That's the question everyone asks

and nobody knows the answer.

You never asked?

Like a thousand time. But he's never told me.

He doesn't like me.

Chicho, what should we do?

First thing tomorrow morning, we're going to my uncle's house.

If there's someone on this earth that can give us advice

to stop being so pathetic, it's my uncle John.

And if he doesn't resolve Chicho's problem we go to the hospital.

If you ask me I can solve this with a slap in the face.

You think he can help me with my experiments?

Ask him it at your own risk. He prefers opium.

Opium!? Whoa.

Husband, your nephew's here.

-Hold it right there. Sit down.

Uncle, these are my friends. This is Chicho...

Fabio...

And Gaby.

What's up with him?

He's in shock. He's afraid of roaches.

Bah! I had to eat them when the Chinamen captured me.

How can we help him?

Slap him.

That's what I said!

No, man, not that! We're not Barbarians!

Is this the faggot of the group?

The mascot.

Excuse me, what are you smoking?

This is opium. The girls like it.

Well, what do you want? Why are you here?

We need some of your immense wisdom.

Um, can you help us with fatty?

Well, I would solve it with a good slap in the face but

but since the group faggot doesn't want that

we'll have to apply a bit of Oriental Medicine.

Sukiki!

This is Sukiki, she's one of my favorites.

I brought her over from China and therefore knows everything about acupuncture...

Tai Chi, Algebra, Jihad, The Qur'an, the Kamasutra, Sexualism

Lesbianism and all the culinary arts.

Believe me, she can cure anything.

Observe.

I had a dream.

I dreamt that Puerto Rico was a plate of buffet

and that the roach wanted to eat from the plate.

But the red farmer sprayed him with flee

and the Nazi roach died.

Then I saw the titties and the red farmer and I suckled on them.

See? That's why she's one of my favorites.

-He's cured! -Incredible!

Perhaps you could help me.

The thing is that I grow weed and I'm always mixing it with different substances but they keep dying.

And what I want to achieve is

is a new species, an hallucinogenic species.

Unique.

Weed is for faggots and tree huggers.

Here. Try this.

Wow...

This is amazing!

I told you. There's nothing like it.

I will give you one seed to start with. But...

this is for personal use only. No profit. If you do profit I want 20% cash.

This is absurd! Can we go now?

Uncle I wanted to ask you something, too. Um...

What can I do to last longer?

Last longer?

Yeah, you know...

prolong myself.

Well, you can smoke some of that before.

Uncle, isn't there a less narcotic option?

Try a finger up the hole.

-I don't know. -It works, trust me.

Well, Mr. John, it's been a pleasure but we gotta go.

Right? We're leaving?

What's the hurry?

You think I don't know what your problem is?

I used to be a shy pussy, too. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't have a problem.

He's in love.

He's in love with a woman that has humiliated him twice, already.

Humiliated!? Twice!?

Idiot! No woman should ever humiliate a man!

A woman's purpose is to serve a man not humiliate him!

-But-- -But nothing! This is the scepter!

Symbol of the king's power!

The queen is decorative. She's there to serve and give birth not to humiliate.

-She's full of herself. -A snob, right?

-No she's not! -She is!

Women like that make me sick!

They don't treat me like that.

Because I've discovered the solution.

Really? What's the solution?

Forget it!

You're too young. Besides he doesn't have what it takes.

Uncle, Gaby is a poor wretched soul.

You were a poor wretched soul once but you found happiness.

Don't deny this poor devil the chance to be happy too.

Don't help me so much.

Mr. John, I am a firm believer that we all have a purpose in this life.

Perhaps yours is to pass on the scepter so your legacy may continue.

So that your service in Vietnam was not in vain.

So that the knowledge only you posses may not be lost once you are gone.

Look at him. Look at him! Helping him would cost you nothing.

Tell us your trick...

Alright. But you have to promise one thing.

Anything, uncle.

-You never heard it from me. -Never heard it from you.

-You'll never tell anyone. -We'll never tell a soul.

Girls, leave us, please.

I love you all equally.

You need to look at life differently.

All rebellious women have their weak spots.

If you want to seduce a woman who is smug and proud

you have to be a man. You have to have the balls to do it.

Do what?

You have to shit in her bed.

What?

Shit in her bed.

-Are you serious? -Yes. Totally.

You make love to her and when you're done you shit her bed.

Never fails.

That's disgusting!

I knew it had to be something extreme.

What do you mean "shit her bed"? I don't get it.

It'll probably take you some time to fully understand it because you're still young.

This is crazy! Mr. John,

with all due respect

that whole "taking a bio brake on a woman's bed"

is humiliating, degrading and not to mention disgusting!

Exactly!

That's the idea.

It's a psychological game.

A proud and pretentious woman is a woman who thinks you don't deserve her.

Therefore, taking a "bio break" in a woman's bed after making love

is like investing in her psyche. She'll be angry, of course, and she'll hate you.

But the trip from hate to love is a short one.

And after two or three weeks she'll start saying things like

"but, why did he do it? I don't want him to abandon me. I don't want him to ignore me."

The poor thing will fall in love with you without even realizing it. She will become your sexual slave.

She will forgive everything. Believe me.

Incredible.

How did you learn something so complex?

The Chinese culture is filled with mysteries.

Well, I'm gonna pretend I never heard all this madness, okay?

It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. John.

Remember! In order for it to work two things need to happen.

You need to get to her bed and ignore her calls for three weeks.

Do not answer her calls for anything!

I will never do that to any woman! See ya!

Uncle...

does it really work?

You have a better explanation for everything you see?

Is it me or did we just meet the craziest guy on this island?

Quite the contrary, I think he is a genius.

Damn, man, that whole thing about shitting in someone's bed

that wouldn't work for me

-because when I go to the toilet what I leave is this hu-- -Shhhh!

Chicho, we already know, okay?

Look, that Uncle John may seem crazy

but he has everything very well calculated.

I bet that if the millionaire wife leaves him

she would surely have to pay him the alimony.

That is if he doesn't keep half of the fortune.

And he has nine more women!

That's what I call a solid life plan!

I drink to that!

To a solid life plan!

I'm so wasted, dude.

I know, man!

Gaby, man you drive 'cause seriously...

Hey, hey assholes. Give me your money or the car keys.

What? Take this one.

Don't get cute if you don't want me to pop you, you hear?

Wait, wait! I got one, too!

It's not about going shopping it's about carrying the bags!

Wait, wait, wait.

"Just because the dogs are under the car doesn't mean they're mechanics, dude."

Shut your mouths our I'll pop you! The money! Hurry!

Give me the money! Give me the money, man!

Take it easy...

Look, I have the money here. Take it...

Don't shoot us. Don't shoot us, please.

Dude, take the money but if you want the car...

take this one.

I'm the one in charge here, you hear me dumbass?

And I'll take whatever I want. So shut up or I'll pop you all!

Calm, calm, calm.

You want opium, my friend? We can pay you with opium.

I look like a junkie to you?

Actually yeah, you do.

I'll tell you something, fatty. You don't wanna mess with me.

You don't know who you're messing with. So shut your mouth

if you don't wanna wake up with lead in your mouth, you hear?

Chicho, shut up 'cause the kid's nervous and he's gonna "pop" us.

Nervous, my balls!

I'm gonna pop the shit out of this pig!

And hurry up and give me the keys 'cause I gotta go!

-My friend-- -I'm not your friend!

The money and the keys, coño!

Don't you people know how to add? Four minus three equals the cangri!

Evidently the reggueton music has marked his life considerably.

What would uncle John do?

That's enough!

I am upset and I can't take it anymore!

I am so so upset that I want to get even with you!

So if i were you I would go home, now!

You hear!?

Gaby, you did what uncle John would do.

Uncle John can suck my dick, too!

So let's go!

The kid has finally grown some balls.

Recording.

Well, I am taking control of my life.

In truth? I feel much better.

You can't always be the good guy. Sometimes in life you have to be rough.

Amanda? Bah! I don't even think about her anymore. I don't care.

She's not worth it.

I am going to go seduce another woman. Or perhaps more.

In fact someone will come to pick me up soon.

They're here!

I'm out. Keep you posted.

Gaby! I'm in the bathroom! Go see who's downstairs!

It's for me!

And bring me toilet paper!

Hello. Is RS in?

Yeah... No...

Who's asking?

Amanda.

RS!

There's someone here for you!

He's not in?

Apparently not. Call him on his cel if you want.

-I'm sorry, I have to go. -No! No, wait.

Do I know you from somewhere?

-I don't think so. -What's your name?

Gabriel...

Gabriel Fonalledas.

Fonalledas?

At your service. Good afternoon.

Hello there, sweetheart. Looking for someone?

Yeah, but I found him.

Could you do me a favor?

-I think you could do me the favor. -I'm sorry?

Eh, nothing. Tell me. What's up? What do you need?

What does Gabriel Fonalledas do for a living?

Gabriel?

Oh, Gabriel!

Who's Gabriel?

Gabriel is a famous director, very important here in Puerto Rico.

He only works with the best.

Anything else?

Director? Not bad.

-Could you give me his number? -Of course.

Next week I will be meeting up Steven Spielberg.

-Give me a second. -Yes, yes.

-Hello? -Dude!

You'll never guess what just happened.

No, I won't. Tell me.

Amanda just asked me for your number!

Oh, yeah? Seriously? Why?

She was intrigued by you!

Dude, like she didn't know you!

I think she really didn't recognize me.

Well that's for the best.

-What? -Man, that helps you!

I told her you were a famous filmmaker.

Without a doubt, any minute now she's gonna give you a call.

-You think? -Of course!

Chicho give me a second I have a call on the other line.

Alright, alright.

-Good afternoon? -Gabriel?

-Yes. -It's Amanda.

-Yeah I know. -I'm sorry?

Wha-- wh-- Which Amanda?

I'm RS's friend. I met you this morning at the summer house.

Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

It's just that we didn't have time to talk much.

I was just in a hurry.

I can imagine. A filmmaker as renowned as yourself must be very busy.

Filmmaker?

Yes, well, of course.

You know, I'm a model and an actress.

Oh, yeah? That's nice, I didn't know.

Would you like to go get some coffee? I mean, if you're not too busy.

Okay. That sounds good.

Tomorrow at three?

-Yes, that works. -Perfect.

Then I'll pick you up.

Super.

See you tomorrow.

Sure.

See? My path to Hollywood is becoming shorter every day.

Hollywood? With that idiot face of his? I've never even heard of him.

Oh, come on, hello? All directors have idiot faces.

Haven't you ever seen Tarantino?

But I don't care. I could see his style.

He's sophisticated and very professional.

But I don't know. His face does seem familiar, though.

Finally! Tomorrow I will meet my diva.

-I love her! -I don't know what you see in her. She's a bitch.

And an opportunist.

I don't know what it is but she drives me crazy.

You're gonna be disappointed in the end. Write that down.

Chicho!

You fat fuck! Wake up!

Chicho!

Chicho open the door!

The fuck is that!?

Chicho!

-Chicho! -Oh, damn! The popola!

Look here, faggy. Go get that fat friend of yours

and tell him his woman is here and that I'm pregnant, you hear me?

Tell him to get up!

Hey, sweetcake! Your girl's out there and she's fucking crazy!

Dude, get up. Your friend is out there.

What the fuck is wrong with that bitch?

She says she's pregnant.

Oh, for the love of God! Please, I can't impregnate. Ignore her, she's drunk.

What you're gonna do is get up! She's out there!

Ignore her. Forget about it, man! I'm not going out there so go to sleep.

She's gonna be screaming all night!

-You're gonna have to do something! -Tell her I left with Ivy Queen.

That'll piss her off. Tell her I went like this...

Chicho!

Oh...

Fatal Attraction.

Yeah, man.

Relax. This bait will work, you'll see.

We've been here two hours. The only thing we're gonna catch is insulation.

And quite the high...

Hey, you think Gaby's changed too much?

Quite.

Gaby's been like when a little boy's balls drop for the first time.

What?

You know.

When you're a baby you have your balls like up here, in the garage.

I don't know what the scientific term is, exactly but

as you grow up they...

they go down.

Gaby's balls are lowering right now.

-So, what you're saying is that Gaby's maturing? -Yes.

He can't be a pussy for the rest of his life.

Seems he got tired of being picked on all the time.

It's possible.

Man, we're not gonna catch anything here.

Fuck it. Summer's almost over and I'm not leaving here

until I catch a mermaid.

This is bad...

Aha! You've been ignoring me!

-Wait, come by later-- -No, no, no, not later.

You and I are going to talk now!

-You knock me up and now you're ignoring me!? -That's not possible! I can't knock up!

-What do you mean you can't knock up? The Holy Spirit didn't do it! -Gaby!

Well then start looking elsewhere because I can't knock up!

Gaby!

You're an insect!

Tell me about your projects. What's your next movie about?

Well, I'm still writing it.

That's nice. You know...

I've never had the opportunity to star in a movie.

Of course, I still haven't been discovered.

Well, I would love it if you starred in mine.

-Really? -Really.

But, I don't know. I wouldn't want to take advantage of our friendship.

No, no, no, not at all. I'd really love it.

I think you'd be perfect.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disrespect you. I just got carried away.

I've wanted that for a long time.

What? But we just met.

Amanda, I have a confession to make.

We've already met.

What?

Yeah well I'm Gaby, remember?

"I'll go down the well even if it smells"?

I see. I knew you looked familiar.

Please forgive me.

So you're an actor, too!

And you've been offering me starring roles in your movies and everything!

I don't know what to say. I feel so stupid!

Don't you get it?

I'm in love with you.

I've been in love with you for a long time.

I just didn't have the guts to say it.

Then why did you act like an idiot?

It was all a mistake. I screwed up, I know.

But I want to start over. I want us to get to know each other.

And I'm so dense I believed everything you told me!

I don't know what to say. I feel so used.

Don't say that!

I really do think you have talent. And I really do want you to star in my movie.

In fact I've met Steven Spielberg.

-Seriously!? -Yeah! I have the picture here, look.

Should we go?

You go. Enjoy.

I'm intrigued.

What do you do to make your bodies look so...

fuckable?

This shit's gonna make me a millionaire!

Come swim with me.

You have clothes down there?

We mermaids don't wear clothes.

Nah, I don't believe you're a mermaid.

Don't believe me, then.

Fine, I won't believe you.

Come and make sure.

Let's go!

Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Take off your clothes while I slip into something more comfortable.

You better enjoy it because this is a one time thing.

I mean, business is business.

And I have to make sure that you'll give me the leading role in your movie.

Maybe for you this is important because you're in love.

But you're not my only suitor.

Nor are you the first director I sleep with.

So enjoy it while it lasts.

Gabriel!

Man, this bitch gonna keep calling?

What did you do to her?

One week later...

Two week later...

I hate you.

Three weeks later...

I love you.