Original subtitles

SPAB: Some people might think the moral of my story is,

"In this fucked-up world,

"even a simple thing like buying a six-pack

"can be harmful to your health."

But I don't know about that.

What I do know is that instead of getting our beer,

Joe and me got some fucked-up terrorists

sticking a video camera in our faces for 36 days and 36 nights.

What we didn't know was that everybody in America was watching.

[DOOR CLOSING]

[TV TURNS ON]

Hi there. Cliff Spab, as seen on TV.

I'm Wendy Pfister.

Welcome to our humble home. Come on in, take a seat.

We got apple pie in the oven, and me and Joe are playing crazy eights.

Hey, we can deal you in if you want.

I like go fish.

SPAB: Wendy, what's for dinner?

Um, there's some Casa Blanca, um,

red-hot bean and beef burritos and...

[SPAB COUGHS]

And some Pringles, some cupcakes and a bag of gumnuts and...

No, you ate the last bag of gumnuts.

[SPAB COUGHING]

No, I didn't.

You ate the last bag of gumnuts.

No, I didn't, Joe!

All right, you two, cut it out!

No, I didn't!

You fucking bitch, you ate the last bag of fucking gumnuts!

I'm not a fucking bitch,

I'm sick of you calling me a fucking bitch!

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy!

I'm sick of it!

Let the dog in. Joe, you take out the trash!

Fuck the dog! Fuck the trash!

No more backtalk from you, young man,

or you can forget dessert!

Jesus Christ!

When I was a young boy,

I wouldn't even think of talking the way you kids do.

This is my house.

Hey, since when is this your house?

This just isn't my house, it's my own fucking country!

I think I want an exit visa.

Yeah, well, so fucking what, Wendy?

I'm sorry.

Wendy.

Wendy.

Spab.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Wendy.

Spab.

Hey, Wendy, Spab?

How about another beer?

[CLEARS THROAT]

That's the last one, Joe.

Well, we'll just have to get some more, then.

No, I mean, really, that's the last one.

Fuck.

Guess it's showtime! How you boys doing?

JOE: How are they ever doing?

WENDY: Joe.

Get that fucking camera off me! Get the fuck off!

SPAB: Yeah, get it over here, man, right here!

I got a treat for you boys. This is for the folks back home!

You ready to see my really photogenic side?

Well, here it is.

JOE: Give me the gun! Motherfucker!

[JESUS CHRIST POSEPLAYING]

♪ And you stare at me

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

♪ Arms held out

♪ Like you've been carrying a load

♪ And you swear to me

♪ You don't want to be my slave

♪ But you're staring at me

♪ Like I

♪ Like I need to be saved

♪ Saved

♪ Like I need to be saved

♪ Saved

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

MALE NEWSCASTER: The Fun Stop hostage crisis is over.

For 36 days, American television was forced to broadcast

uncensored video tapes of five individuals

held by a terrorist group, Split Image.

If the uncensored tapes weren't aired, all five hostages would die.

A threat Split Image made good

with the brutal killings of Kim Martin and Milt Morris.

And so, every night on prime-time television,

we watched with agonized fascination as the hostages,

five ordinary Americans,

were transformed from convenience-store shoppers

into national heroes.

What the ultimate goal of Split Image was, we may never know.

Any further insight may have to await the recovery

of the young man we came to know so well, Cliff Spab.

At this moment, young Mr. Spab

is in a tightly guarded hospital room,

recovering from the bullet wound he suffered

while risking his own life to save the only other surviving hostage,

Wendy Pfister.

We hope to have Cliff as our guest as soon as his health permits.

How are you, Cliff?

How the hell does he look?

Listen, kid, you think you're up to a press conference?

Cliff, the President wants to give you a medal.

The President.We're talking big time.

At the White House.

Yes, sir, we finally hit the jackpot!

In the Rose Garden.

Look, kid, all that stuff I said about you being a loser?

Well, forget it.

Cliff, your father has something very exciting he wants to tell you.

Go ahead, Bob, tell him.

Well, Son, it's just that your mom and me, we...

Just spit it out, Bob!

They're making a TV movie all about you.

The Cliff Spab Story, just the way it happened.

Actually, they're making three TV movies.

But our version is the authorized one.

The real McCoy. And check this out.

I know how you feel.

You don't have to talk if you don't want to.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Sometimes it feels better to talk about it.

Of course, sometimes, it feels better not to talk about it.

Agent Parsley.

FBI.

You might have fooled the rest of the world, but you don't fool me.

I'm betting you were in on this little stunt.

You're nothing but a foul-mouthed, lazy,

good-for-nothing, little prick hoodlum.

And the world would best be rid of you.

The dark side of the Pepsi generation. That is you, all the way.

They're offering you $1 million.

We're talking seven figures.

That is a lot of money.

We loved the way you handled yourself on that TV special.

Very smooth.

He doesn't know about the TV special.

You don't know about the TV special?

Cliff, you had your own TV special.

Don't worry about it, Cliff. You were sensational!

The best! Highest TVQ ever. Better than a real star.

The Cliff Spab Special. It got a 30 share.

Even better than The Wendy Special.

Ultimately, it's really up to me.

I haven't really found anybody

that can really help me out.

It's hard, because I don't think people really understand

what I'm all about.

You think there'll be a time when you will want to look to the future,

and you will want to start to look,

see if things are gonna be brighter for you?

I really don't know.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Hello?

[PHONE CLICKS]

[CLANGING]

WENDY: Don't touch me!

[SCREAMING]

What are you doing? Leave me alone! Help!

[YELLING]

Just take the money!

You don't have to hurt him!

Fuck you, you fucking fuckheads!

Hey, Clifford!

[SIGHS]

How you doing, guy?

Rocking!

And there's more where that came from, bro.

Best news I've had.

Let's get outta here. Yeah, let's go.

I want you to call me if you need to talk.

And Cliff, watch your language. Yeah.

Who the hell is that?

Beats the fuck out of me. Hey, Scott, great shirt.

[REPORTERS YELLING]

REPORTER 1: Have you spoken to Wendy?

REPORTER 2: How is Wendy?

[ALL TALKING]

She took my beer.

REPORTER 3: How are you feeling?

Cliff, can you tell us how your family feels?

How do you feel?

I don't know.

[ALL LAUGHING]

James, let's motor!

[SIGHS]

Ah, fuck! What's the deal, man?

What the fuck is going on here?

Well, get used to it.

These assholes been dogging us for weeks. You're a fucking hero now.

What the fuck's that thing? Does that thing open up over there?

Yeah, that's a fucking bar, man.

Oh, in-fucking-credible, baby!

Got your coffee.

Ah!

Listen, Clifford, there's gonna be some people back at the house.

Some kind of reception kinda shit.

Ah! Limousine, Primo beer.

Can't beat it.

Hey, Scott. Yeah?

Let's go to The Boy. James?

BOTH: To The Boy!

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, Spab, we saw you on TV, man.

You were great!

STAN: Really fucking cool!

Stan, hi.

Hey, anything you guys want, on the house, right?

Hey, yo, check it out!

No shit, 36 cents? That's kind of cheap, Stan.

It's symbolic, okay? 36.

36 days in the Fun Stop.

[WHISTLING]

Pretty fucking clever, Stan.

Well, I just came to pick up my paycheck.

STAN: Oh, sure thing, Cliff.

I guess you were a little busy, huh?

Ooh! Lookie here.

Where's Joe, Stan?

Well, you're Worker of the Month.

Well, I think Joe should be up here, too, don't you?

Yeah, well, Joe's dead.

All right, we gotta go, Cliff.

Where the fuck is Joe, Stan?

You know he should fucking be up there. You know that.

No can do.

Hey, Stan, you still spitting in the burgers in this joint?

Very funny. You were always a joker. Hey, welcome back, Spab!

[ALL CHEERING]

I'm Wendy Pfister. I'm 17.

I live in Ozell Park with my mom.

And I go to Ozell Park High.

I just want my wife to know

I'm fine.

These people don't frighten me.

They are nothing.

Nothing.

My name is Kim Martin.

I was working in this Fun Stop when these people rushed in.

I live in Royal Oak.

I have a...

I have a husband and a son.

If you can hear me,

I love you so much.

Just keep on praying that this will all be over really soon.

Get that fucking camera off me.

GUNMAN: Say something.

Get him the fuck outta here.

Hi, my name is Rick Forsythe.

I live in Silver Pond with my parents,

George and Edna Forsythe, and my sister, Suzanne.

I'm president of the debate team

and captain of my baseball team over at Silver Pond High.

I have a dog named Rusty.

And my hobbies include coin collecting and dry-fucking cheerleaders.

He's here!

[ALL CHEERING]

You staying there? Come on, I'll get you up here. Let's go, let's go!

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[YELLING]

[ALL CHEERING]

On behalf of the city of Madison Heights, I proclaim today,

Cliff Spab day!

[CROWD CHEERING]

And I'm pleased as punch to present you with the key

to our magnificent metropolis.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

Who the fuck are you?

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm the mayor.

Right.

Wow, thank you. It's a mighty big fucking key, huh?

[CROWD WHOOPING]

Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab. Have you seen Wendy Pfister?

No, I haven't.

Can you describe the events that led to your freedom?

No, I can't.

You saved her life. Are you in love with her?

Ah, that's none of your business now, sweetheart, is it?

MALE REPORTER: Any comment on the death of Joe Dice?

Every one of you assholes get the fuck out of here now!

Get these people off my goddamn porch, huh.

Jesus!

What do we got here?

Mr... Whoa!

Tomorrow morning you get your ass down to my office.

We're gonna have a little chat about your Split Image friends.

They weren't my friends.

Would you get your fucking hands off me?

Back off, guy, huh?

MRS. SPAB: Cliff? Cliff, come in here.

One, two, three.

ALL: Welcome home, Clifford!

Cliff, your aunt Jessica, Derrick and Sylvie drove in from upstate,

and your uncle Jerry and cousin Dave, they took the bus.

All right. Hey, there, hi, how are you doing?

Wow.

MRS. SPAB: Cliff?

MR. SPAB: Cliff.

MRS. SPAB: Clifford, honey, I cleaned your room.

What the hell happened here?

Mom.

Fuck this shit! Give me a beer, Scott.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

Mmm!

Mmm!

So what are you gonna do now?

Sing a song.

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down the road

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down the road

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down

♪ Walking down the road

That sucks, man.

Yeah, you're right.

I've been craving this for so fucking long, man.

[SHOUTING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH SHOUTING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Turn that damn thing down!

[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

You guys out of your fucking minds?

Uh...

Yeah.

You're a real comedian, Cliff.

Well, I don't think this is very funny.

I do.

Now you listen to me, Cliff. There's a lot of money at stake here.

I don't care if you fuck up your own life,

but don't you fuck it up for your mom and me.

She's gonna be really pissed when she sees what you've done to this room.

Dad, I just want to know one thing, okay?

Who invited the fucking marching band?

You watch your mouth!

Your mom and I are embarrassed as hell about the language you used on TV.

Yeah, I bet you'd have been really embarrassed if they blew my head off, huh?

Yeah?

Well, you ain't leaving this house

until you give a press conference.

Oh, gee, Dad.

Well, I think I know how to stay in confined areas for long periods of time, guy.

Shut up, Scott! You little twerp.

A press conference will not kill you.

Well, Joe thought running into the Fun Stop

to buy some beer wouldn't kill him either, Dad.

Don't fuck with me, Cliff.

And clean up this fucking room.

Home sweet home.

SPAB: Hey, Wendy.

WENDY: Spab.

Wendy.

Spab.

Wendy.

Spab.

Let's sing a duet, shall we?

[SPAB HUMMING]

♪ As long as we got each other

[HUMMING]

♪ We got the world spinnin' right in our hands

♪ Baby, you and me

♪ We gotta be

♪ The luckiest dreamers

BOTH: ♪ Who never quit dreamin'

♪ As long as we keep on givin'

♪ We can take anything that comes our way

♪ Baby, rain or shine

♪ All the time

♪ We got each other

♪ Sharing the laughter and love ♪

Come here.

[CRYING]

I want to go home.

SPAB: What's the deal?

MONICA: What do you think the deal is, Spab?

Do you want to take a bath?

Fuck you, Spab.

My brother's dead and all you can say is, "You want to take a bath?"

Monica, I'm coming over.

Spab, you asshole.

[PHONE CLICKING]

SPAB: I was a year old when Joe was born.

And for the next 19 years,

we lived next door to each other in Madison Heights.

Went to the same schools,

worked at the same goddamn Burger Boy.

Spent countless hours drinking Bullseye

and getting fucked up on cheap pot.

And now Joe's dead.

What a fucking waste.

I've gone nuts, Monica.

I mean, I thought it was crazy in there.

But out here...

Out here it's fucking insane.

Yeah, so?

Fuck being drunk or stoned.

In that goddamn store, we were nuts.

Even Wendy?

Yeah, even Wendy, she was nuts.

So, did you fuck her?

Who? Who, Wendy?

[LAUGHING]

Wendy Pfister?

I didn't even know the girl, you know,

before all this shit went down.

She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, you know.

Oh, you're good, Spab, you're really good.

I'd say I know you, but every now and then you leave me guessing.

Did Joe fuck her?

Well, what do you think?

Spab, you asshole, you like her, don't you?

Christ, I can tell.

What have you got against Wendy Pfister?

I mean, she's a really nice girl.

Oh, I don't know, maybe her little Miss Teen USA act.

Monica, you could do exactly what she's doing and get away with it,

and never feel guilty about it if you wanted to.

Maybe, but who'd want to?

Monica, you fucking taco, I know you.

Take your bath, Spab.

You need one.

WENDY: No!

MAN: No!

[GUN FIRING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

What's the deal, Monica?

What do you think the deal is?

All right, come on in.

MONICA: It's pretty pathetic, huh?

Yeah, you ought to see my room.

Fuck your room! You ain't dead.

[MONICA CRYING]

They forgot about Joe

the minute they had you to honor and praise and interview.

Oh, yeah, well, like they won't forget about me, Monica.

I'm not saying it's your fault, Spab.

I'm just saying they were never all that interested in Joe, anyway.

Joe wasn't funny enough. Joe wasn't interesting enough.

He never came up with all the good lines you did.

Don't you get it, Spab?

You were the guy that everybody wanted to know everything about.

Not my brother.

Well, fuck everybody.

Yeah, well, tell them that,

and it's just another fucking headline.

Oh, God, I'm drunk.

What time is it, anyway?

I don't know. 1:30?

Yeah.

Oh, God, Spab, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I've been drunk since May 2nd. It's no big deal.

Yeah.

But you know me. I'm usually in control.

Monica?

What's the deal?

Oh, Jesus, Spab!

You fucking asshole.

♪ When I was a teenage whore

♪ My mother asked me

♪ She said, baby, what more?

♪ I give you plenty What do you want more?

♪ Baby, why are you a teenage whore?

♪ I said, I feel so all alone

♪ And I wish I could die

♪ See the things you put me through

♪ And I

♪ I wish I could die

♪ When I was a teenage whore

♪ The rain came down like it never did before

♪ I pay good money not to be ignored

♪ Then why am I a teenage whore?

♪ I've seen your repulsion and it looks

♪ Real good on you

♪ Tonight I want to put you through

♪ What you put me through

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

So, how long are you gonna be gone?

Well, you know me, honey.

Rocking and rolling,

taking care of business, sweet thing.

Yup, I know what you mean.

Kind of running with life, your back to the wind.

Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying.

I know it, I know it. Yeah.

And don't call me "sweet thing," you fucking asshole.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Thanks for the lift.

Is that what you call it?

Here, this might help out some.

Whoa! You didn't have to do that.

Ever heard of Friends of the Hostages?

People we don't even know have been sending us money for weeks now.

Call if you want more.

What if I don't want more, but I want to call?

Like I said, call if you want more.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Good luck being nobody!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[HUMMING MELODY]

Holy shit, man, it's Spab!

Oh, shit!

Hey, Spab, I'm not a fuckup. I just play one in real life.

Whoa! Hey, what's the deal, guys?

Hey, you want to puff this fatty, man?

Um, thank you, boys.

JOHNNY: Oh, wow!

Fucking Spab, fucking psychedelic!

Wow, man, I'm Al. I'm Al, this is Johnny!

Cliff.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You look fatter on TV, man.

[LAUGHING]

I can't believe I'm standing here, talking to Cliff Spab!

[LAUGHING]

Well, ask him something!

Like what, man?

I don't know, ask him about his arm.

What happened to his arm?

Oh, he got shot, you dufus.

Fuck! In the arm?

No, no, in the shoulder, man.

JOHNNY: Well, did it hurt?

Yeah, it fucking hurt.

Yeah.

Oh, man, that must've sucked.

[LAUGHING]

So, how's Joe, man?

Oh, wow!

Fuck, man.

I'm sorry, man.

I forgot, Joe's dead, bro!

I'm sorry.

It's all right, man.

[GRUNTS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

[HORN HONKING]

Whoa! Well, that's my ride.

Where you going?

[LAUGHING]

Well, well, well. If it isn't Rick fucking Forsythe.

Hey, Morrow, you fucking asshole.

How's the cheerleaders, Rick?

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Spab, you coming back?

Never.

Ah, kids today, let me tell you.

[WHISTLING]

Onward!

♪ You make me sick

♪ You make me sick

[SNICKERING]

Shit, that was Spab.

Shit, man, he took our joint!

You have our joint!

BOTH: Whoo! Whoo!

I rolled that! I rolled it myself!

[SHOUTING]

Yeah!

Who was that, your fan club?

Ah, that was Joe and me three years ago, man.

So how does it feel to be famous?

Oh, it feels angry, man.

[BOTH LAUGH]

MALE TV HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, the curiosity about Cliff Spab

throughout the country has been overwhelming.

He's now bordering on cult status.

Uh, hang on. Yes, ma'am, right here.

What's Cliff Spab really like?

Exactly like he was on those tapes.

God! Reality programming gives reality a bad fucking name.

HOST: ...followed this case. What do you think?

He's a lazy, foul-mouthed, uneducated drug addict.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

[LAUGHING]

This guy's funny.

Wendy, you met Cliff Spab at the Fun Stop.

He's from working-class Madison Heights.

You're from the wealthy suburb of Ozell Park.

Bottom line, you and Cliff are very different people, aren't you?

In what ways?

I really don't think we're all that different.

[LAUGHING] Wendy looks good!

Mmm-hmm.

I'd do her.

But you're perceived differently.

Well, that's what this is all about anyway, isn't it?

Perceptions.

I mean, I don't think people know Spab any more than they know me.

Did you fuck her?

I mean, with the handcuffs and everything?

All right, shut the fuck up, Morrow.

WENDY: They may think they know the two of us,

but they don't know us at all.

HOST: Okay, Wendy, I gotta ask you this.

Where is Cliff Spab?

I know! I know! I know! Here!

HOST: Indeed, all of America is wondering, where is Cliff Spab?

Where can he be? Is he on the road or has foul play befallen him?

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Hang on. Hang on.

If I was Wendy and I knew where Spab is, I would never tell anybody.

Wendy?

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Initially no network would air the hostage tapes.

But after the cold-blooded executions of hostages

Kim Martin and Milt Morris, the networks had no choice.

And all over the world, every night,

Cliff Spab and Wendy Pfister became part of our lives.

Thursday, June 17th. Viewer discretion is advised.

[DISTORTED VOICE]

[BEEPING]

KIM: Will you cut it out? I can't take it anymore!

GUNWOMAN: All right, listen up.

There've been some developments. We're gonna let one of you go.

All right! I just want to say, on my own behalf,

how great it's been hanging out with you guys. Wonderful.

GUNWOMAN: Who wants to let this guy go? Sit down...

[BEEPING]

SPAB: Watch the language, please!

MAN: Why don't you let her go?

GUNWOMAN: How many for her?

SPAB: Get her out of here, man.

[CRYING]

Oh, thank God!

KIM: I'll pray for you.

I'll pray for all of you guys.

[SOBBING]

Yeah, we're gonna miss you, Kim!

It ain't gonna be the same without you!

[GUN FIRING]

[CRYING]

Let's get out of here, man.

Crestridge?

What are you taking me here for, man?

I don't want to see anybody.

[CREEPPLAYING]

♪ When you were here before

Don't worry, guy, your 15 minutes are almost up.

♪ Couldn't look you in the eye

♪ You're just like an angel

♪ Your skin makes me cry

Morrow, what's the deal?

♪ You float like a feather

What's the deal?

♪ In a beautiful world

You mean, what am I sure of?

The one thing I'm sure of is that everything is unsure.

Uh-huh.

♪ You're so fuckin' special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell am I doing here

♪ I don't belong here

♪ I don't care if it hurts

♪ I want to have control

♪ I want a perfect body

♪ I want a perfect soul

♪ I want you to notice

♪ When I'm not around

♪ You're so fuckin' special

♪ I wish I was special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell am I doing here

♪ I don't belong here

♪ Oh, oh

♪ She's

♪ Running out again

MAN: Fuck you!

[SIGHS]

What's the point of saying anything?

You know how it is, man. It's the same old fucking shit.

So...

I'm stuck in this, this Fun Stop.

So fucking what?

So I'm bored as shit.

So fucking what?

So I don't know what the fuck's going on.

So fucking what?

So I might die in here.

So fucking what?

So I haven't had a decent shower and food

in way too fucking...

Yeah.

So fucking what?

How is this different

from anything else that's happened in my life?

I mean, God, when I was... When I was in high school,

fucking up big time,

everybody was always giving me shit.

All I ever said was, "So fucking what?"

When I was at The Boy, the goddamn Boy,

making minimum, after working there for three years, man...

All I ever said was, "So fucking what?"

Jesus Christ!

That's all you gotta do, man.

It's all everybody's gotta do,

is just say, "So fucking what?"

It works wonders.

Trust me.

I know.

So go ahead.

Go ahead, Mr. Cameraman.

Everybody out there,

say it along with me, "So fucking what?"

You must think you're real fucking funny, don't you?

[GRUNTING] What the fuck are you doing?

Just wait. Just wait for me in the fucking car!

I don't want to wait for you.

Wait for me in the fuck... Get outta here!

Hey, guy, do me a favor? Would you hold onto this for me?

What the fuck are you doing, man?

You think that guy broke your fucking window?

So you take his fucking gun? What are you, a fucking idiot?

Fuck you!

Don't give me "fuck you"? Fuck you, man.

[LAUGHING]

Spab, Spab, Spab.

Just because you're a big fucking hero

does not mean you know jack shit about the real world.

You know what? What?

Take me to the bus depot and don't be laughing at me, you prick!

MALE NEWSCASTER: We interrupt to bring you a special news bulletin.

Reports are in that Cliff Spab has been sighted

at the Crestridge Mall in Madison Heights.

According to FBI agent, Gerald Parsley,

the hunt for Spab is being confined to the Madison Heights area.

Agent Parsley had this to say.

PARSLEY: Mr. Spab is being sought for questioning.

We believe he has been, and still is,

involved with certain subversive activities.

[LAUGHING] This fucking guy!

We know he has not left the immediate area

and a search of his most likely destinations is now in progress.

MRS. SPAB: Cliff, this is your mother.

We want you to come home. We love you.

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

Fuck!

Sandy!

Sandy!

[SIGHS]

Come check this out, Spab.

Sandy's drunk again!

God damn it, I hate that shit!

Come here, man. Help me, help me take her to the bathroom, man.

Grab her legs.

Come on. Come on.

Morrow, let's get the fuck out of here, all right?

[GRUNTING]

Come on, just help me take her to the bathroom.

♪ Sandy, Sandy, Sandy

♪ How I love you, Sandy

Ah, hey.

Hey, rise and shine, darling.

Oh, God.

No, it's Morrow, honey.

Get your fucking hands off of me. And who's that?

Him? He's Fred Nietzsche.

Get your fucking hands off of me!

Get up, come on, you gotta be careful, a woman in your condition.

Fuck you, Morrow!

[SIGHS]

Mrs. Pfister, I really need to talk to Wendy, okay?

MRS. PFISTER: Cliff, look, I realize you've both been through a lot,

but I just don't think it's a good idea

for you and Wendy to see each other anymore.

I've told Wendy this, too.

Hello?

Mrs. Pfister?

I'm sorry, Cliff.

[DIAL TONE]

MORROW: Hey, guy,

bring us another bottle of that shit champagne!

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

MORROW: Hey, guy, listen to this.

Do I have to?

Suppose, one night, instead of going down to the local Fun Stop

with your two best friends to buy some beer,

you go out with a woman named Sandy Hooten.

Yeah, I remember.

Then, suppose,

while your two best friends are being taken hostage by some insane freaks,

you make love to the aforementioned Sandy Hooten,

who tells you she's on the pill

so you don't have to use a latex prophylactic device.

Morrow, shut up.

Yeah, please, Morrow...

And further suppose, after a few weeks go by,

the aforementioned Sandy Hooten returns...

[DISTORTED VOICE]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

MORROW: It's $300 to be exact.

You fucking liar, you gave me $228.

And finally...

Finish the fucking story already. Jesus.

Your two aforementioned best friends are still being held hostage

by the aforementioned insane freaks

in the aforementioned Fun Stop.

You hop over to see the aforementioned mother of your child.

And you happen to discover that she was on the pill!

She never got pregnant.

She only needed the aforementioned 300 bucks

to buy this cheap-ass, shit-fucking wine,

because she's a fucking drunk!

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

What the fuck are you doing? Give me the gun.

Back off, cowboy!

I can't believe this.

Now you're fucking pointing a gun at me.

Stand up, honey. Stand up, stand up, Sandy!

Stand up!

[CRYING]

Sandy, I love you.

You're Spab!

Yeah, well...

No, no, really, I love you.

I've seen all your tapes.

Uh, this is...

No, this is an honor, is what it is.

No.

I'll be honest with you, Cliff.

You, you know, and your philosophy and stuff?

You helped me through some pretty tough times.

I wish you could help him.

Let's get out of here before I puke!

All right. Shine on, little diamond.

Bye, Sandy.

Hey, Spab.

Yeah?

So fucking what?

[LAUGHING]

So fucking what?

Why are we still in here?

How long have we been in here anyway?

You're not gonna tell me.

Fuck you!

Fuck you, you pussy.

You want to shoot somebody? Shoot me.

Go ahead. You got the camera, you got the gun. Do it.

You know you'll run out of hostages, you're fucked!

You know that?

You see, that's the difference between you assholes and me.

You're afraid of dying. I'm not.

I'm not afraid to die.

So, fucking do it!

I am fucking daring you to shoot me in the head!

Fucking do it! You think I give a fuck?

I don't give a fuck! I could give two shits!

Fucking kill me!

Shoot me in the fucking head, you fuck!

You sorry-ass, cock-sucking motherfucker!

[GASPS]

[SPITS]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

Fuck you.

[LIKE SUICIDEPLAYING]

♪ Bit down on a bullet now

♪ I had a taste so sour

♪ I had to think of something sweet

♪ Love's like suicide

♪ Safe outside my gilded cage

♪ With an ounce of pain

♪ I wield a ton of rage

♪ Just like suicide

Oh, shit, Morrow, come on in.

So, what did you do now, little brother?

[SIGHS] Janet, I'd like you to meet Spab.

Spab, this is my sister.

SPAB: No kidding?

Hey, I'm splitting.

I've had it with this two-bit town.

Spab, I want you to tell her everything. And don't leave nothing out.

Janet here is a goddamn lawyer.

Janet, could you take care of this for me, please?

[SIGHS]

And, guy, remember,

the best you can expect is to avoid the worst.

Spab.

Present.

As in, the Spab?

Yeah, afraid so.

Well, well, well.

Morrow never told me he had a

sister.

Morrow never told me he had a Spab.

MALE TV HOST: Wendy Pfister, the courageous young woman

we came to care about so deeply,

has been through more in the last several months

than most of us will experience in a lifetime.

But through it all she has retained her dignity,

refusing to be reduced to the level of her mysterious captors.

And when she emerged from her terrible ordeal,

she found herself strengthened.

She discovered an iron will

and a newfound sensitivity to the needs of others.

In short, Wendy Pfister has been transformed

from a typical American teenager

into a genuine American heroine.

Tonight, for the first time, we'll get to spend an hour with Wendy,

in the privacy of her own home.

What about Cliff Spab?

What are your impressions of him?

Her hair is terrible.

I think she looks good.

Really?

I've been really careful with what I say about Spab.

Why?

Because people don't understand him.

And you have to know him to really know what he's all about.

Would you like to see Spab again? Could you be friends?

I think we still are friends.

Sure, I'd like to know how he's doing.

You don't spend that much time with somebody

and not find out practically everything about each other's lives.

I really miss him.

He saved my life.

That girl is cracking up.

I personally don't think she's getting very good advice.

Really?

And what advice would you give her?

Well,

first of all,

I would tell her to relax.

And then I would advise her

to have some fun.

And then I would tell her

to laugh

all the way to the bank.

Well, here it is.

Wow!

Okay, I'm going to commit a little felony here.

How's your pitching arm, Spab?

[SNIFFLING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Who are you, Clifford Spab?

Uh, just some greasy-ass white boy from the northeast suburbs.

Hello!

Well, it's sure been an interesting night.

The night's still young, and so are you.

[LAUGHS]

If you need a place to lay low, I'll protect your privacy.

Thank you.

But when you're ready, I'll be ready with you.

Oh, that's great.

Ready, um...

Ready for what?

Well, I mean,

one of these days you're gonna want to get your life back

and you may have to sue some people to get it.

Well, they can all just fuck themselves.

[LAUGHS]

Well, we all would like that, Spab,

but experience has taught me that people

just don't up and fuck themselves.

They need somebody else to fuck them.

Mmm-hmm.

And that's why God created lawyers...

Huh.

...like me.

And that's why Morrow brought you here.

This was Morrow's idea?

I mean, you guys are gonna split the profits, right?

Actually we'll only split 50%.

The other 50 goes to you.

Oh, right.

[SIGHS]

Where are you going?

Come on, Spab, it's a total spinout. You need to take control.

[WHISTLING]

Spab, I'm willing to negotiate.

You little fucker!

Shit.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CAR APPROACHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

EARL: It is Spab!

[LAUGHING]

DOLLY: Is it Spab?

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Hey...

[LAUGHS]

Fucking Spab!

Fucking A, man!

I'll tell you something, Spab.

You sure as hell said some shit that needed fucking said!

Well, thank you, Dolly. Heard that!

Thank you, Earl.

I'm just saying, and this is just me saying it,

but I just think that you said a whole lot of shit

that a lot of people in this country think about,

but don't have the fucking guts to say out loud.

I'm gonna go even further and say

they don't even have the fucking guts to think about it.

[EARL WHOOPING]

Heard that!

Hey, give me a hit.

[ALL SINGING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

SPAB: Where'd that joint go? Where'd that joint go?

Oh, thank you, honey. Thank you.

I want to ask you something, baby.

Did you ever think you were gonna bite it back there?

Well, let me put it this way, sweetheart.

EARL: I heard that. Heard that.

What it boils down to, is that I'm a survivor, okay?

Amen. That's what it is.

And anybody who thinks I'm gonna live fast and die young, Earl,

well, they don't know me now, do they?

[LAUGHING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[DOLLY SCREAMING]

MALE ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report.

The Madison Heights Police have issued

an All Points Bulletin for the arrest of Cliff Spab.

Spab is wanted for assault and battery

on a local teenager at the Crestridge Mall.

If you have any information as to Cliff Spab's whereabouts,

please contact the Madison Heights police department immediately.

Now back to our regular programs.

Fucking liars! Fuck 'em, fucking, fucking liars!

Don't sweat it, Spab. We got it covered.

Whoa!

There ain't no fucking way they're getting you without a fight, baby.

Okay, Earl, Earl, let's just put the gun down, okay, buddy?

Let's just put it over there. We don't need to go this far now, do we, guys?

DOLLY: Spab, man, forget about it.

Forget about it, all right?

You showed us the way. You opened the door. Earl?

I say the motherfucking Madison Heights pigs

shouldn't be allowed to get away with this kind of shit, man.

[DOLLY LAUGHING]

I say there's no way

that our Spab should be treated with this kind of disrespect.

[LAUGHING]

DOLLY: Spab, you're a fucking hero.

You saved Wendy Pfister's life.

I say fuck kinder-gentler, that's what else I say.

♪ It's payback time in America

♪ God shed his grace on thee

Motherfucker.

♪ And crown thy good

ALL: ♪ With brotherhood

♪ From sea to shining sea

[CAR BACKFIRES]

[ALL CONTINUE SINGING]

EARL: How the hell is it my fault?

You were driving the whole damn time.

Exactly.

So why the fuck should I be paying attention to shit like that?

You're supposed to be the copilot, Earl.

EARL: So, watching the gas thing

is the copilot's responsibility now, huh?

DOLLY: Yeah, you know it. Give me a fuckin' break.

You know it. I got to be dealing with...

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

SPAB: Everyone wanted a piece of me.

The only problem was, there wasn't enough of me to go around.

I guess Janet was right.

I mean, this whole thing was like a circle spinning out of control.

First, you get sucked in, then you get spun out.

I was somewhere between getting sucked and getting spun.

Actually, the whole thing sucked.

If Joe was alive, he'd be laughing his ass off

and telling everyone to fuck off at the same time.

Joe was never subtle.

Me, I had no idea what I was gonna do.

The only thing I knew for sure was that road trips aren't all they're cracked up to be.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Hi there.

How may I help you?

Well, Pamela, I'd like a room.

The only thing available tonight is a suite.

Fine, that'll be just fine.

All right. And your name?

Robert Plant.

SPAB: Hi there.

Cliff Spab for Bayer Aspirin.

Wendy Pfister, which do you think Joe Dice will prefer?

Microwave stuffing or your potatoes lyonnaise?

Oh, Joe would definitely prefer the potatoes lyonnaise.

They're his favorite.

Well, then, Joe, which is it gonna be?

Wait, what are my choices again?

Wendy's stuffing.

WENDY: Or Wendy's potatoes lyonnaise.

I definitely prefer Wendy's[BEEP] .

WENDY: Ooh.

Joe Dice, a man so mean he shot a guy for snoring too loud.

[BEEP]

Hi there! Hi there! Do you know me?

I like shopping so much,

I've been in the same[BEEP] store, for Christ knows how long.

That's why I carry the American Express card.

And if you go shopping in Madison Heights,

don't forget your Visa card and don't forget your ammunition.

All right.

[BEEP]

I got one more thing to say.

Remember this.

I'm not a hostage. I just play one on TV.

Atta boy! That's Remington!

♪ Jesus Christ pose

♪ Arms held out

♪ Like it's the coming of the Lord

♪ And would it pay you more to walk on water

♪ Than to wear a crown of thorns ♪

WOMAN: ...coming from?

MAN: What kind of signal is it?

Is it music? Don't know that yet.

WOMAN: So damn what?

MALE NARRATOR: Held hostage in a convenience store for 36 days.

So what's the point of talking?

Yeah, you said it. So damn what?

MALE NARRATOR: He was black.

So damn what?

She was white.

It has a totally cool sound to it, Cliff.

They were as different as night and day.

Everybody out there in TV Land, say it with me, so damn what?

You say it, Wendy.

So damn what?

Gary Coleman and Dori Smelling star in,So Damn What.

The television event of the decade.

MAN: You're at Comedy Central.

Okay, he's standing way up in this building.

[SIREN WAILING]

And he shot himself right smack in the head.

Pow!

[POLICE RADIO CHATTERING]

And he, like, fell right into this parking lot

like, crunch!

And...

Man, I never...

I... You know, his final words,

man, I ain't never gonna forget them, goes,

"So[BEEP] what?"

I mean,

the thought of that just sends chills right down to my spine.

WOMAN: Okay, now, this is still an unconfirmed report.

Authorities in Madison Heights have reason to believe

that the body recovered earlier this evening,

in a motel parking lot, is indeed that of Cliff Spab.

An apparent suicide at the age of 20.

We'll all miss you, Cliff.

[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKING]

[LAUGHS]

[RINGING TONE]

WOMAN 1: TVM. How may I direct your call?

Hi there.

Got a hot news scoop for you. Let me talk to somebody.

One moment, please.

WOMAN 2: TVM news desk, can I help you?

Yeah. Cliff Spab ain't dead.

He's alive and well, and I can prove it.

Are you talking about the Cliff Spab?

Uh-huh.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Would he like to appear on TVM?

Oh, yeah.

[THRASH METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I'll have fucking fun without you

♪ Out until I won't miss you

♪ But I'll govern everything in your life

♪ I hate your guts but you don't have to die

♪ I can get drunk

♪ I can get laid

♪ I could get sick

♪ I could get dead

♪ I guess it sucks

♪ That I don't give a fuck

♪ I could do nothing

♪ So fucking what

♪ Now is the time

♪ I have got you alone

♪ I'll cut all the mustard

♪ Right close to the bone

♪ The fuckers will cluster

♪ And flood to the tomb

♪ The banters will banter

♪ The cows will come home

♪ So fucking what

Hi. Cliff Spab here.

I'm not a VJ. I just play one on TVM.

[LAUGHS]

Hi there.

I want to take you over to the couch.

These are a couple of dear friends of mine.

Over here is Peggy, Grace and Dottie over there.

Let's wave to the camera, girls, huh?

So, anyway, really, you get down to it, you know,

when they first asked me to be a guest VJ here on TVM

they said I could talk about anything I want.

As long as I didn't use words like[BEEPING] .

[WENDY LAUGHS]

And especially not words like mother[BEEP] .

So I made a promise to them, you know, not to use words like...

[BEEPING]

And especially not any words like mother[BEEP] .

So, anyway, I decided to play my 10 most favorite videos,

where they either sing about[BEEP] ,

show[BEEP] or use [BEEP] in the title.

"So[BEEP] what?"

The clip you just saw is based,

I do believe, on the personal experiences of yours truly.

But before we go to that next clip,

see you in a minute, girls,

I'd like to share something kind of special with you all.

I'd like to dedicate this to a very close friend,

who I haven't seen in way too long.

Wendy, if you're out there,

this Bull's for you.

[ALL CHEERING]

All right.

All right. Shut the fuck up!

Time out, time out, time out, guys.

Look, everybody keep quiet,

so you can hear what Spab has to say, okay?

Okay, Spab is ready for your questions.

REPORTERS: Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab.

Mr. Spab, how do you explain the behavior on those tapes?

And why do you suppose that Split Image made those tapes?

You know, I don't know. I never figured out

what the pantyhose guys wanted.

I guess they were just bored shitless, like the rest of us.

Maybe they were just trying to get through it, you know.

We didn't know the fucking world was watching.

[ALL TALKING]

Could you describe for us,

the situation that led to your escape from the Fun Stop?

Yeah, we ran out of beer.

[ALL CHEERING]

Liked that one, huh?

Mr. Spab? Mr. Spab, do you consider yourself an alcoholic?

I don't have to consider myself nothing

with all you reporters doing it for me.

Mr. Spab, exactly what is it that you're rebelling against?

Well, that depends, what you got, huh?

[ALL CHEERING]

Mr. Spab?

Mr. Spab, I would like to know why you can't be a little more serious

in your answers?

Hey, look, this is the way I am, okay?

Don't be taking me so fucking seriously.

Mr. Spab, what can you say about Joe Dice?

Well, there's nothing to say about Joe, is there? He's gone.

I miss him.

Do you think he will care that I'm wearing a Free Cliff Spab shirt?

He'll love it. You look great. He'll be glad to see you.

Hey!

Hey! Trippy legs!

How you doing, bro?

Whoa! Look at that big bottle of beer you got there.

I'm a big guy. Kristen, this is Clifford.

Clifford, Kristen.

Hi. Hi.

Let's go. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

How's everybody doing?

I knew that dead guy wasn't you. Didn't I say?

Yeah. It's too bad though.

Your school papers and shit would've gone for twice the fucking cash, bro.

[STUTTERS] Excuse me, you're Cliff Spab.

Yeah, that's right.

He ain't Patty Hearst, buddy, huh?

He saved Wendy Pfister's life.

Oh, we know, we saw it. That was something.

Who do I have the pleasure of meeting?

Oh, I'm Phil Connors, oh, and this is my wife, Rita.

Hi, Rita.

Hi, how nice to meet you.

What do you say we take these guys hostage with us, huh?

BOTH: Yeah!

Come on, come on, Phil, Rita, come party with us!

No, no, we're supposed to meet some people.

ALL: Aw!

What do you say, Rita?

So fucking what!

[ALL CHEERING]

Let's party! Come on, Phil!

KRISTEN: Party down!

Yeah, here it is.

Oh, wow.

This is class.

This is great. What'd I tell you, huh?

Yeah.

Over here.

Whoo-hoo.

Hey, Cliff, does this go in the bathtub?

The beer ball goes at the bar, right there.

Oh, we got a bar.

Hey, Scott, tell Spab about the concert.

What concert is that?

Clifford, you want to see Spiral Jet, Friday night?

They want you to introduce them.

Yes, I do! Cool!

Rita, where are you?

How about a beer? You want a Bullseye or a Heineken?

Uh, Heineken.

Yeah, you look like a Heinie kinda girl to me.

I hope that's good.

Oh, that is good.

You want a beer?No.

Come on.

SCOTT: Hey, Clifford, you know, Kristen there is your biggest fan.

Oh, yeah?Yeah.

But it's not like I want to fuck you or anything.

I think we should go.

No, sweetheart, let's just stay a little longer.

You got to live to learn, Phil.

You got to live to learn. Now, who said that?

Being your brother has made me real popular with the ladies.

Oh, that's great, Scott. I'm glad it's finally working for you.

I just want to hang around, you know, hear what you gotta say.

Mmm, well, I don't know shit.

[SIGHS]

See, that is so Spab.

[LAUGHING]

That is Spab.

That is Spab, you're right.

That is Spab.

Tsk.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cliff Spab.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[HOOTING]

Yeah!

Thank you!

[AUDIENCE CHANTING] Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab.

[WHISTLING]

Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab. Spab. Spab. Spab.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[YELLING]

[CROWD CHANTING]

No!

No!

[SCREAMING]

No!

[SCREAMING]

[ELECTRICITY SURGING]

CROWD: Spab! Spab! Spab!

[WENDY SOBBING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[WHISTLING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, Wendy.

Hi, Spab.

This is it.

Where are you supposed to go buy a beer now, huh?

I heard they want to tear this down

and then turn the whole place into a memorial park.

God damn it!

Is that what it all boils down to? A fucking memorial park?

That's one way to live forever.

I'd like to live forever, but only for a little while.

Spab, you are so full of shit.

You know, you try to come off as just some guy.

But you're not just some guy.

You've got a message.

Yeah?

What's my message?

Your message is that there is no message.

Nothing really matters.

The message is, "So fucking what."

You keep saying it, but nobody really hears you.

Well,

I'm sorry to break the bad news to you, Wendy.

I'm full of shit.

There are plenty of things that matter to me in this world.

Yeah, like what?

Like you.

WENDY: There's something I keep thinking about.

SPAB: Hmm?

Maybe even trying to explain

what happened in the store is just pointless, you know.

I mean, how do you explain something like that to somebody?

You can't.

There is one way.

You could lock them in a room for 36 days.

They might understand then.

You have to let them watch some people die.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Let's face it, Spab,

we have this little understanding.

Nobody else knows what it's all about.

It's like a disease.

Madison Heights Syndrome.

Madison Heights Syndrome.

If you don't have it,

you can never understand it.

Spab.

Let's not even bother trying to explain it to anybody else.

If you weren't in that store with us...

You can shut the fuck up right now.

You know,

maybe Spab thought things would be the same way they always were.

I mean, I know I thought once I got out of there,

I'd just be going back to Ozell Park High on Monday morning.

Things have just been really weird

since getting out of that store.

If you think about it enough, you can go nuts.

That's one of Spab's favorite lines, by the way.

Anyway, anyway, I guess I've talked enough,

so it's time to meet the guy that made all this possible,

Mr. "So fucking what" himself, Cliff Spab.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thank you.

Thank you.

ALL: So fucking what!

So fucking what!

So fucking what!

So fucking what! Okay.

So fucking what! So fucking what! So fucking what!

SPAB: Standing out there on the stage of Madison Heights High,

I was suddenly knocked on my ass with this strange sort of feeling.

It wasn't just the cheering. I wasn't really sure what it was.

So I just stood there looking stupid

for what seemed like a long time trying to figure it all out.

There was nothing I could do,

except wait for the chanting to die down.

But the noise only grew louder and louder.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Everything matters!

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab

were shot this morning at a Madison Heights high school assembly.

Witnesses say Spab had just stepped up to the microphone,

when three shots rang out.

Pfister was standing nearby.

After witnessing the shooting,

hundreds of grief-stricken students refused to return to class,

leaving the campus a virtual ghost town.

Madison Heights high school senior, Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

was arraigned in court today

in connection with the shooting of Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab.

FEMALE REPORTER: Why did you fire the first shot?

BARBARA: Everything matters.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

Are you a friend of Cliff Spab?

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: ...to take total responsibility

for everything they say, do and feel.

Babs Wyler was a perpetrator of violence and a dangerous reactionary.

The American people can rest assured

that all the resources of this office

will be used to make sure that Babs Wyler...

...the national scholastic merit award

for her essay, "Everything Matters".

It's about a new generation of young people who take total responsibility

for everything they say, do and feel.

This is about the first amendment.

What Babs did was an act of symbolic free speech.

Now the issue here is whether we should punish

a brilliant, gifted young woman

for bringing the message of responsibility,

hope and optimism to the world? I don't think so.

...outside Madison Heights county jail, where dozens of protesters

are staging an all-night vigil...

MALE REPORTER: Day after day, we have watched with fascination,

a straight-A student, Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

an anything but ordinary young American

has been catapulted from suburban obscurity

to international fame.

Tonight, in a live interview from Madison Heights county jail,

we will learn all about Babs' philosophy for a new age,

a philosophy in which everything matters.

Those are the words of Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

the courageous young woman we have come to care about so deeply.

Babs has been through more in the past few weeks

than most of us will experience in a lifetime.

But through it all she has retained her dignity,

refusing to be reduced to the level of her detractors.

When she emerged from her terrible ordeal,

she found herself strengthened

and her "Everything Matters" philosophy intact.

In short, Babs Wyler has been transformed

from a typical American teenager

into an atypical American phenomenon.

Tonight, for the first time,

we'll get to spend an hour with Babs in the privacy of her own home.

Babs, what are your impressions of Cliff Spab?

I must be very careful of what I say about Cliff Spab.

But why?

Because...

[MONITOR BEEPING]

Hey, Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

How about another beer?

How about a bag of gumnuts?

How about a stale burrito?

How about some 3-in-1 oil for your folding chair?

How about a bath in the sink?

How about a song?

Hey, Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

We're getting married or what?

Hey, guy, you fucking know it.

[NO FUCKIN' PROBLEMPLAYING]

♪ You talk your shit

♪ But I ain't listenin'

♪ And I don't do

♪ No ass kissin'

♪ Now here's the point

♪ That you been missin'

♪ No fuckin' problem at all

♪ Ain't got no fucking problem

♪ Ain't got no fucking problem at all

♪ Ain't got no fucking problem

♪ I got no fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem

♪ You think you know

♪ Everything and more

♪ But a surprise

♪ You'll be in for

♪ Add it all up

♪ And you got no score

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ You play the part

♪ That I got no use

♪ Don't mean a thing

♪ 'Cause you got no juice

♪ I live in peace

♪ I don't need a truce

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem

♪ I got a piece

♪ But not to the puzzle

♪ No time to think

♪ Staring down a muzzle

♪ I rise above

♪ And watch you fizzle

♪ No fucking problem at all