Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language from the outset

and throughout.

You definitely did it? No.

I left without making a transaction. I'll rely on prayer.

I left without making a transaction. I'll rely on prayer.

Of course I did it. Everything OK your end?

Yeah. Sally fell for it.

I said triple-booking the meeting room would work.

It was mayhem in there.

It was mayhem in there.

It's ridiculous. I don't know how it happened. It's a mess.

And no-one saw you at the Internet cafe?

And no-one saw you at the Internet cafe?

No, I was careful.

Alfie's asking for you. He's losing it.

I'm head of accounts. It isn't my job to sort this shit out.

The whole office is in there. It's really kicking off. Shit!

The whole office is in there. It's really kicking off. Shit!

Sorry, Sally.

508906.

906.

50,000.

50,000.

Oh, get it out. I want to see what 50 grand looks like.

Oh, get it out. I want to see what 50 grand looks like.

There you go. It's less exciting than I thought.

It's amazing to think that that's what's gonna give us a baby.

It's amazing to think that that's what's gonna give us a baby.

I have to go through the ordeal of IVF,

a pregnancy and you're one squirt from being done, but yes, sure.

A pregnancy and you're one squirt from being done, but yes, sure.

We fucking did it, Deacon. £50,000.

1.2 million.

Fuck you, Alfie!

There is something I need to tell you. If it's a speech about

how we can only spend the money on IVF, I know.

But fuck, we did it! Celebrate for once. Fuck!

But fuck, we did it! Celebrate for once. Fuck!

Wa-hoo! Fuck! Yeah!

Go on. It feels amazing.

Go on. It feels amazing.

Fuck! Yeah!

Whoa! Fuck! Shit!

Yeah, I've got money, bitch.

Yeah, I've got money, bitch.

Alright, let's go home and have rich people sex.Absolutely.

Can I wear my hoodie while we're doing it? Absolutely not.

Can I wear my hoodie while we're doing it? Absolutely not.

Why can we never get a shitting parking space on our street?

OK. Here's one.

OK. Here's one.

No, you're not gonna fit in there.

Really? Really.

Prepare to find me incredibly sexy.

Prepare to find me incredibly sexy.

It's just about taking it slow, but turning it hard.

It's just about taking it slow, but turning it hard.

Before I get so incredibly turned on again, I have a surprise for you.

Before I get so incredibly turned on again, I have a surprise for you.

Yeah, what is it? Ta-da!

What the hell is that? Do I actually have to tell you?

We agreed to be careful. We talked about it.

We agreed to be careful. We talked about it.

You told me to stop going on about it,

because my whining was making your vagina hate me.

It was. But our plan worked, Deacon.

We have £50,000 sitting in an account

We have £50,000 sitting in an account

or whatever crypto shit is on that USB.

No-one knows the money's gone. Just enjoy.

No, no. Not just enjoy, OK, Allison.

No, no. Not just enjoy, OK, Allison.

This is when people get cocky and get caught.

What people? Well, it's working in Goodfellas, OK?

But the point still stands, alright? It's not good.

But the point still stands, alright? It's not good.

It's one bottle of champagne to celebrate the start of our family.

This is our dream. Yeah, OK. I know. Fine!

This is our dream. Yeah, OK. I know. Fine!

OK, because of this "just enjoy" chat,

I'm gonna have to start this all over again. Thank you.

I'm gonna have to start this all over again. Thank you.

Does that parking thing mean you won't have sex with me?

Yeah, I will. I'll just respect you less.

I told you we should have champagne flutes, because you never know.

I told you we should have champagne flutes, because you never know.

It's gonna taste the same out of a beaker. Hey, guys!

Esme. I wondered where you were.

You're back. I thought you were at a festival.

You're back. I thought you were at a festival.

Oh, this is Jed. Say hi, Jed.

What's good? Hello.

A magic thing happened. I was at this lame ska tent.

A magic thing happened. I was at this lame ska tent.

I desperately needed a pee and Jed lent me his pint glass. Ew!

It was a real meet cute. A cool story that ends up with you

It was a real meet cute. A cool story that ends up with you

and a stranger in our living room. We're glad to have you back, Es.

Sure? I can leave you guys to it. We're just getting a takeaway.

It's no biggie, is it, Deacon? What? Oh, no. No biggie at all.

It's no biggie, is it, Deacon? What? Oh, no. No biggie at all.

So great to have you. We've nothing going on.

Great. Are you celebrating? Well, no. No, we're not. No.

Great. Are you celebrating? Well, no. No, we're not. No.

Then why the champagne? It's Prosecco.

No, it is champagne, actually.

What are you celebrating?

What are you celebrating?

Well, we're... well, should I just say?

Yeah. We're pregnant.

What? No.No, we're not.

No, we're not. That is an insane thing to make up.

No, we're not. That is an insane thing to make up.

We got paid our bonuses that we were promised.

Oh! That's sick, man. Thanks, man. That is sick.

Oh! That's sick, man. Thanks, man. That is sick.

Why were you trying to hide that?

Because he's freaking out that if he tells people, it'll jinx it.

He's a dick. Such a dick. An absolute villain.

He's a dick. Such a dick. An absolute villain.

Celebratory joint?

You know they gave us a joint

You know they gave us a joint

so they could bang in the living room? 100%.

Think they'll have champagne at the fancy IVF clinic?

They should for what it costs.

Think you should be drinking? I'm about to start IVF again.

When that happens, I won't drink,

so I intend on being drunk pretty much until that moment.

So I intend on being drunk pretty much until that moment.

I know we're celebrating, but I do feel quite nervous.

This clinic basically guarantees success.

This clinic basically guarantees success.

It will be worth it? After all we've been through, it has to be.

It's not fair.

We had a heartbeat.

I'm so sorry, Al.

You're right. We can't let this be our last chance.

You're right. We can't let this be our last chance.

Yeah? Yes. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right.

Yeah? Yes. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right.

You know, this could be the beginning of everything.

It's amazing! Know what's amazing? £50,000 in our bank account.

It's amazing! Know what's amazing? £50,000 in our bank account.

Well, it's bitcoin. So it's in an offline digital wallet.

You've made 50 grand sound unsexy.

I'm starting to feel guilty again when I think about what we've done.

We've fucking robbed our boss, Al. Chill out. That man is a prick.

We've fucking robbed our boss, Al. Chill out. That man is a prick.

Thank you for agreeing to see me.

I'm sorry we had to do it in a cab but, you know,

a worker's job's never done.

Is the Oasis Spa and Massage Centre on Cannon Road, mate?

Is the Oasis Spa and Massage Centre on Cannon Road, mate?

Yes, mate. Back's fucked.

Plus it's only a tenner for a happy ending.

Plus it's only a tenner for a happy ending.

It's about that bonus. Let me stop you there.

I know where you're going with this. You're gonna say, and you're right,

I don't praise you enough. It's about the bonuses you promised us.

I don't praise you enough. It's about the bonuses you promised us.

Deac, you are crushing it right now, OK? Happy?

Deac, you are crushing it right now, OK? Happy?

Yes. OK, thank you. A nice chat.

Gonna get out, because we're getting further from the office.

Alfie, we've talked about it for ages,

but Allison and I really do need our bonuses.

But Allison and I really do need our bonuses.

Yeah. And I was thinking the same.

Really? Really.

So, I got this for you guys.

So, I got this for you guys.

64 gigs.

That's 32 each. Thank me later for saving your marriage.

Alfie, we need money. I'd love to help you out, wouldn't I?

Alfie, we need money. I'd love to help you out, wouldn't I?

But you know how the property market is.

We don't have money lying around.

All our money is sunk into investments your lovely wife found.

All our money is sunk into investments your lovely wife found.

Look, I promise you, once the market picks up,

I'll see you both right, right?

I'll see you both right, right?

OK.Fucking hell, this is awkward. Look, are you gonna get out here,

because I can't be thinking about this when I'm getting a handjob.

Because I can't be thinking about this when I'm getting a handjob.

Oh, shit, it's Alfie.

Oh, shit, it's Alfie.

What if Sally's seen the transfer and told him?

Sally can't even operate the meeting room booking calendar.

She'll never see it. Stop worrying. Yeah, you're right.

She'll never see it. Stop worrying. Yeah, you're right.

We need to talk.

We're fucked!

Alright, so you're gonna be cool. Uh-huh.

Alright, so you're gonna be cool. Uh-huh.

You're gonna be calm. A regular day. Let's go.

I can do this. We can do this. Just relax.

I can do this. We can do this. Just relax.

We talk normally and everybody will be chill.

You don't have to tell me.

Shit! What if he knows?

What if we walk in and he actually fucking knows? Jesus Christ!

What if we walk in and he actually fucking knows? Jesus Christ!

He knows you stole the money and he wants to address it in office hours.

This is unbearable. Don't worry. Relax. He can't know.

This is unbearable. Don't worry. Relax. He can't know.

He might not know now, but he can literally find out any minute.

Ssh. Ssh. Chill the fuck out. Yeah, OK. Yeah, sure. Thank you.

It's not terrible, but it's not ideal.

It's not terrible, but it's not ideal.

What have you done?

What do you mean?

Oh, well, it's yogurt.

Oh, well, it's yogurt.

I'd soak it. Yeah, thanks.

Sally, just out of curiosity,

how has Alfie been kind of mood-wise and shit?

How has Alfie been kind of mood-wise and shit?

Oh, he's fine, I think.

Was it the same fine?

What? Pick it up. Pick it up!

What? Pick it up. Pick it up!

Oh, no, you're right. I actually hadn't seen him today.

Thank you so much, Sally. Am I speaking to myself here?

Thank you so much, Sally. Am I speaking to myself here?

You're the reason I blow 50 quid a week on fucking garbage dumped.

I've had enough of your stupid face.

Get out of me office and go get him for me.

Get out of me office and go get him for me.

Um, Deacon, sorry to bother you, but Alfie would just love a quick word.

Um, Deacon, sorry to bother you, but Alfie would just love a quick word.

Oh, right. Yeah, sure. Did he say what it was about,

because I've got a couple of things... Now!

Because I've got a couple of things... Now!

Yeah, but these can probably wait. Thanks, mate.

Um, I can come back.

Um, I can come back.

You're looking well.

What do you mean? What do I mean?

What do you mean? What do I mean?

I said, "You're looking well." Really? Thanks.

I'm trying to be a bit healthier, eating a low fat...

I'm trying to be a bit healthier, eating a low fat...

Do you care about this company?

Yeah, of course I do. Yeah, yeah.

Would it matter to you if it all went tits up?

Would it matter to you if it all went tits up?

Yeah, I'd be really upset. I'd be so ups... I'd be devastated.

Know I set this company up from nowt?

Nobody handed it me on a silver fucking platter.

Nobody handed it me on a silver fucking platter.

I mean, of course, if I could have fucked my way to the top

I would in a heartbeat, but I'm like you.

I would in a heartbeat, but I'm like you.

This body is no bargaining tool.

So, what I did, I rolled up my sleeves and I buried them in shit

So, what I did, I rolled up my sleeves and I buried them in shit

and I pulled out every opportunity coming to me.

And if anybody ever tried to do anything to this company,

And if anybody ever tried to do anything to this company,

you know what I'd do to them? No.

You know what I'd do to them? No.

I'd rip their fucking throats out and shit down their necks!

Alfie, I don't know what exactly this refers to, but...

Alfie, I don't know what exactly this refers to, but...

Is it possible to spend 132 quid on Wagon Wheels?

Um, yeah, I mean, I suppose it's possible if you sort of...

Um, yeah, I mean, I suppose it's possible if you sort of...

Everyone think I'm a soft touch? Doubt it.

Then why are we spending £132 on Wagon Wheels? I don't know.

Then why are we spending £132 on Wagon Wheels? I don't know.

I think it might be because Sally's quite, you know, nice.

Like, she's sort of quite agreeable.

Like, she's sort of quite agreeable.

And so, when people are putting in the expenses claims

and the snack orders, I think maybe, you know,

they take the piss a bit, I think. That would be my best guess.

You know what? For once, you might actually be right.

You know what? For once, you might actually be right.

I need to fire Sally.

Hurry up!

What is the emergency? Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be late for the clinic.

I'm gonna be late for the clinic.

So, I talked to Alfie. Christ! Does he know the money's missing?

No.Great. Why do you have that "I came too quickly" expression?

Well, I may have talked him into firing Sally.

Well, I may have talked him into firing Sally.

How the fuck did you do that? It was an accident. I said she was nice.

Realise if Sally goes they might bring in an accountant

capable of spotting what we've done? No, that hadn't occurred to me.

Capable of spotting what we've done? No, that hadn't occurred to me.

I'm having a panic about Strictly.

So, what did you do? I agreed and got the fuck out.

This is too much, alright? We need to put the money back.

It's too much.No. It's like an allergic reaction

and I'm gonna cry. We're not putting the money back. That is mental.

And I'm gonna cry. We're not putting the money back. That is mental.

What if they spot it going in?

Think they just won't look further? Oh, God, you're right.

We did this for a family. We can't back out now.

You need to convince Alfie not to fire Sally.

You need to convince Alfie not to fire Sally.

I don't want to raise our baby in prison.

Though some babies look cute in orange. Gotta go.

You're going? I cannot be trusted to handle this.

You're going? I cannot be trusted to handle this.

Allison? Allison?

So, your previous attempts have been NHS, is that correct? Yes.

So, your previous attempts have been NHS, is that correct? Yes.

Did they tell you your hormone level

and how that affected your chances of conceiving?

And how that affected your chances of conceiving?

I think they said we had like a 30% chance.

Right.

Well, you don't have to sugar-coat it. It's OK.

Well, you don't have to sugar-coat it. It's OK.

Just give it to me straight. I'm very difficult to upset.

Well, your ovarian reserve is low.

Well, your ovarian reserve is low.

Every month that ticks by it will get worse.

To be honest, you'd be lucky to get one or two eggs from the retrieval

and, even then, your eggs will be of questionable quality.

And, even then, your eggs will be of questionable quality.

Yeah. See how that did not upset me?

Yeah. See how that did not upset me?

If you have the funds, we have a range of services that can help.

Though I do need to warn you, once you have the first injection,

Though I do need to warn you, once you have the first injection,

you are committed to the full set of fees we sent you,

despite the low chance of success.

Despite the low chance of success.

Let's do it.

Why are we spending hundreds of pounds on paper?

Why are we spending hundreds of pounds on paper?

It's probably because we're an office

and we need stationery.

Yeah. That makes sense, actually.

Yeah. That makes sense, actually.

What do you want?

Oh, well, I was thinking about our conversation about Sally earlier.

Oh, well, I was thinking about our conversation about Sally earlier.

Yeah, what about it? I was just thinking that maybe you need to

just sort of just relax a bit.

Just sort of just relax a bit.

You know, like, you know, things probably aren't as bad

as you think and, you know, you maybe just need to chill.

As you think and, you know, you maybe just need to chill.

For fuck's sake, if you want to go for a drink

after work, then just say so.

What?

What?

OK. But I choose the venue. 8pm, Bar Zero.

You are absolutely right. We need to get shit-faced.

So, how did it go? Great. I had my first injection.

So, how did it go? Great. I had my first injection.

Did he say it was all looking good? What did he say our chances are?

Great. They're the best in the business. It's fine.

It's very exciting, isn't it? It's a little bit teary.

It's very exciting, isn't it? It's a little bit teary.

It's kind of our next chapter.

I'm also quite angry with you, because thanks to you,

I'm also quite angry with you, because thanks to you,

I have to spend the evening with Alfie,

to talk him out of firing Sally. So...

thank you and... fuck you!

Thank you and... fuck you!

What can I get you? I'm OK for the minute, thank you.

What? Are you taking the piss? We'll have a bottle of vodka.

What? Are you taking the piss? We'll have a bottle of vodka.

Alfie, vodka is £300 a bottle here, mate.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Bring us two bottles, yeah, and a nappy for baby boy here.

Bring us two bottles, yeah, and a nappy for baby boy here.

Alfie, I can't afford £300 for a bottle of vodka.

It's on me, as in on the company.

It's on me, as in on the company.

Yeah. No, I got that. I thought money was tight.

Well, it is. But this is a legitimate expense.

Well, unlike Wagon Wheels?

Well, unlike Wagon Wheels?

Are you trying to be smart? What? No, no.

You've got something you want to tell me?

No. No, not at all. No.

No. No, not at all. No.

Right. Well, then, let's get bladdered, yeah?

I started at lunchtime, so you've got catching up to do.

Alfie, there was actually one thing about Sally. Oh, here we go.

Alfie, there was actually one thing about Sally. Oh, here we go.

I was thinking that firing Sally isn't the best idea.

Why? Well, it's just you don't exactly play by the rules yourself.

Why? Well, it's just you don't exactly play by the rules yourself.

What? Well, it's just that, you know...

No, I don't know. Calm down, pussy boy.

No, I don't know. Calm down, pussy boy.

I'm not gonna fire Sally. Oh, thank God!

I have sacked that Wagon Wheeling cunt in HR.

I have sacked that Wagon Wheeling cunt in HR.

He cried a bit.

This is fun. Just me and you getting boozed up at home.

This is fun. Just me and you getting boozed up at home.

It reminds me of being a kid.

Esme, you drank both those bottles, but this is fun.

Why do you look worried? Shouldn't we be celebrating your bonuses?

Deacon's not one for celebrating.

Deacon's not one for celebrating.

That's why I tell you sisters are better than husbands.

And by sisters, I mean me. Yeah, I got that.

Deacon's worried about the whole IVF process

Deacon's worried about the whole IVF process

and he's been looking after me. It's really sweet.

You mean a man controlling your money and your womb. Totes sweet.

Well, if you believe our new doctor, my womb is barely worth controlling.

Well, if you believe our new doctor, my womb is barely worth controlling.

God, really? He was brutal about our chances of conceiving.

What did Deacon say? Oh, no, I can't tell him.

What did Deacon say? Oh, no, I can't tell him.

We've done all this to get a baby

and my body might be the thing that fucks it up.

What do you mean "all this"?

What do you mean "all this"?

We're not Bonnie and Clyde, Allison. We can't do this.

Let's just save up and try a cheaper clinic.

That clinic was above a Chinese takeaway.

That clinic was above a Chinese takeaway.

If you like your insemination with spring rolls, it's brilliant,

but we're running out of time. We have to go to that posh clinic.

But we're running out of time. We have to go to that posh clinic.

Maybe I can get one more loan and get another round.

Oh, no! What the fuck? Deacon, we have more chance of getting money

Oh, no! What the fuck? Deacon, we have more chance of getting money

from one of those Nigerian Prince emails.

You said so yourself. He doesn't know the accounts exist.

Well, it doesn't matter. We cannot do it, Al.

Well, it doesn't matter. We cannot do it, Al.

Whatever happened to "You're right. This cannot be our last chance"?

I knew you'd hold that against me.

I knew you'd hold that against me.

Just going through our bonuses.

I should be looking after you. You're always looking after me.

Apart from when you abandoned me and moved to Berk-shire.

Apart from when you abandoned me and moved to Berk-shire.

You've been here six months, Es. It's Berkshire.

Anyway, let's have some fun,

like before you shacked up with Mr Sensible.

Like before you shacked up with Mr Sensible.

What are you doing?

Someone needs to engage in some very non-complicated retail therapy

because, one, I think you need some fun, and two,

because, one, I think you need some fun, and two,

it's your bonus and you can spend it on what you like.

And three, I cannot listen to you moan for another second.

Ah, I have always wanted one like that.

Do it. Do it. Do it, do it, do it.

Do it. Go on. Oh, my God!

Do it. Go on. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God!

Oh! It's Deacon.

Have you lost your mind? That's nice.

Why am I getting alerts from our credit card?

Why am I getting alerts from our credit card?

Because you inappropriately set up spending alerts on your phone.

Oy, come back to the party. We're playing Strip Twister.

Yeah, I'll be out in a sec, mate.

Yeah, I'll be out in a sec, mate.

Listen, Allison, the reason we did this was for IVF,

not for bloody Prada handbags.

Did you go back to Alfie's house with a bunch of skanks?

Did you go back to Alfie's house with a bunch of skanks?

You know very well I don't want to be with skanks

and I'm doing what it takes.

While you're at home online shopping, I'm sent to prison.

While you're at home online shopping, I'm sent to prison.

Don't be a drama queen, it's just a handbag.

Just a handbag? It's £1,400, Allison.

I hope it comes with 1,300 quid's worth of cash inside it.

I hope it comes with 1,300 quid's worth of cash inside it.

Esme said you'd freak out. She's fucking psychic, then, isn't she?

Or just predicting how any sane person would react in the situation.

Or just predicting how any sane person would react in the situation.

Are you calling me insane? I'm not calling you insane.

It's just fucking reckless, Allison. You wear that bag into work,

It's just fucking reckless, Allison. You wear that bag into work,

you might as well wear a sign saying "Oh, hey Alfie.

By the way, I just robbed your company."

Hello?

Hello?

Fuck!

Oh, fuck!

♪ Cos I'm the big bad wolf ♪ What you say?

♪ I'm the big bad wolf ♪ What you say?

♪ I'm the big bad wolf ♪ What you say?

♪ I'm the big bad wolf

♪ I'm blowing down your neighbourhood

♪ What you say?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ What you say? ♪

♪ What you say? ♪

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