Original subtitles

♪ Baby, baby, baby B-B-B-B-B-Baby, baby, baby... ♪

Have you forgotten the words? No, them's the words, baby.

HE LAUGHS

So, how you enjoying your last few weeks of school, Prim?

I'm experiencing a kaleidoscope of emotions.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

All that time at school. I left at 12.

Midday? What did you do in the afternoons?

Ah! Sharp as a lemon. Forgot how grown up you was.

Those boys in your class, y'know, ain't half gonna miss you.

And I'll miss them. Yeah.

But I'm done with boys. I'm ready for a man.

Where did that come from?

BEEPS HORN

Thanks, Pop. Bye-bye, Prim.

♪ Well, you may go to college And you may go to school... ♪

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Hey, Ma.

Primrose!

Anything happening in the village?

Yes. A beautiful prince passed through,

and then he went on his way, never to be seen again.

Well, that happens a lot in the village.

PRIM LAUGHS

What's your massive brain full of this morning?

My future. I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I'd say just enjoy that feeling.

You're 18, you don't need to make any big plans.

That said, shouldn't you be going to college?

Take at me and Pop - self-taught, brilliantly,

but I can't tell Proust from a box of spanners.

PRIM LAUGHS Everyone's expecting you to go.

Mm, the head begged me to,

to help raise the school's number of pupils who've gone to university.

Raise it to what? One. Me.

Well, get yourself up to Oxford,

become the first ever Larkin to go to university,

and show off a bit. THEY LAUGH

There is a poet called Philip Larkin.

Any relation?

He doesn't remind me of Pop, let's put it that way.

Hm.

I think I love it here too much.

Well...

Course, Pop and I, we'd rather that you stayed around.

But you've never been one to take our advice, have you?

You sure you want to pull it down?

Oh, yeah. It's cheaper than fixing it up, Ivor.

I'd rather share the land out anyway, y'know,

give a few acres to Mariette and Charley.

Right, I'll be back with some jelly.

Jelly? I want to flatten it, not make a trifle.

POP LAUGHS

Oh, hello. Who's this?

How can I help you, my darling?

Are you the proprietor? I certainly am.

Good afternoon, I'm Pinkie.

Oh, aren't you just?!

I love your house.

I took the liberty of perusing it earlier,

after a rude vicar told me it was unoccupied.

Oh, yeah, we're pulling it down.

But you can't!

Well, I've been trying to find the time to do it all year.

But Mr Jerebohm and I have been looking

for a country house for months, and this place dovetails magically.

Except it is falling down.

Then we'll prop it up.

I adore the countryside! Yeah, it's good, innit?

I have a couple of tearaways who would love to call this place home,

if you're prepared to sell it?

Well, I, er...

Please, you have to sell it to me!

Oh, look, my husband. He'll persuade you.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Oh! H-Hello, Vicar.

I thought you might have collapsed inside the house.

Why would I do that?

Because you weren't answering,

and the Dean said you're a bit of a worry, and need help.

HE GROWLS SOFTLY

It's a lovely area.

I took a bicycle... Stop talking!

Who are you, and what the hell are you doing here? Talk now!

The diocese have sent you letters about me.

I can't spend all day opening letters.

Oh, so you're not expecting me.

I'm Reverend Candy.

I'm here to join you at the parish.

I don't need another vicar.

Well, you've got one. Isn't that exciting?

Mr Jerebohm loves it!

Oh, seen a lot of places? Sixty-three.

And this place just dovetails with our needs, doesn't it?

How much? Needs a lot of work.

You'll end up hating it. Oh, for God's sake, man,

stop your tiresome games and name your price.

Nineteen thousand. JEREBOHM COUGHS

Do you like the countryside, or is it just Pinkie here?

I... He loves it.

I'll stretch to £12,000.

Oh, well, in that case you must find yourself a house worth £12,000.

More. Add more money.

Did I mention around these parts no-one ever dies?

It's in the air, you see.

They live forever, a bit like tortoises.

WHISPERS: Tortoises?

£15,000 is my final offer.

No, I can get more from the demolition rats, you see.

My builder, Big Ivor,

he's round the back with a bag of gelignite.

Darling, you're rather undermining my negotiating power.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Pretend it's a pile of crap and I hate it?

You could err on that side, yes. OK.

A bloke from Birmingham,

he offered me £1,000 for the wood panelling alone.

Same for the big window at the front.

Don't mind me, I'm just making conversation.

I'm worried about getting staff. Will they be available?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fifteen and a half.

Seventeen thousand, cash,

and I will take a "yes" or a "goodbye".

Cash?

I never trust money I can't bury.

SHE MEWLS PLAINTIVELY

Yes.

SHE SQUEALS

Shall we celebrate with a bit of wet?

Bit of what?

A bit of wet. Drinks.

Oh, no, couldn't possibly. I'm on a very strict diet.

Pills and celery.

Room.

Another room.

Some sort of cupboard.

Do you have a cleaner? Possibly inexperienced, or blind?

I prefer to save money and do it myself. Really?

It's such a big house.

Is it? I never go upstairs.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, this room could probably do with a clean.

I need to eat every hour. Me too, otherwise I feel faint.

Yeah, pills and celery, my derriere.

That's a recipe for sadness.

Still, they made us an offer we could not refuse.

We'll have to tell Mariette and Charley

we'll find 'em some land nearby.

Yeah, we'll slip Mariette a grand for her birthday next month.

Y'know, start her off nice. Where are they now?

Still on the Italian Riviera. They're heading to Greece next.

How long are honeymoons supposed to last?

Well, till the money runs out, or they get homesick, I suppose,

or... till they realise the marriage was a big mistake.

That is in such poor taste. Not funny.

Outrageous.

I'm joking! Blimey O'Reilly.

So, what are our new neighbours like?

Bit sprauncy.

Erm, she's called Pinkie, cos she always dresses in pink.

Nutter. Yeah.

And her old man, Mr Jerebohm, he works in the city,

he's got a face to match.

They're both gonna have to learn to kick off their shoes -

and anything else that chafes -

and surrender to the power of the great outdoors.

Yeah, they'll soon soften up after use - or sell up.

Got a couple of nippers, apparently.

How much profit did you make? Trade secret, you bold girl.

Let's just say we doubled our money in a year.

Ahem.

They're not gonna like it if they find out.

Spend it on a camel.

Actually, that is top of our list.

Is it? No!

We're gonna put it in the bank.

LAUGHTER

I've got an idea.

And this is gonna blow your socks off.

Right, stand by for one of my best, and I've had some stunners.

Speak!

A swimming pool.

GIGGLING

Ooh! Yeah.

And not just for us, but for all our pals, an' all.

I'm gonna cry. Great!

CRASH

I love it when a new family moves in.

Yes, it's terrific news.

There'll be more people like us in the village.

How are they like you?

A prosperous city commuter

and his solid middle-class housewife wife. Ring any bells?

Oh, I'm more than a solid housewife wife.

But, er, we can discuss that later.

They've already thrown a fortune at the house,

builders round the clock.

And I hear a golden lavatory was delivered.

I don't know what to say.

Ah, my favourite people!

Talking to Alec and Norma.

That's a howler you lot have made,

selling Bluff Court to the Jerebohms.

Oh, why's that, Alec?

Obviously, they're your social superiors.

What's that actually mean, Norma?

Let us put it in words you'll understand.

You're like jackals living next to a pride of lions.

Well, in this fairy tale animal hierarchy of yours,

what does that make you two?

Well, I suppose we're, erm... Dung beetles?

No, we're not dung beetles. Bats?

I'm thinking turkeys.

LAUGHTER

Stop them comparing us to ugly animals, Alec!

Oh, talking of ugly, have you seen the vicar's new young reverend?

We don't go to church much, what with... not wanting to.

So, was he hard on the eyes, Edith? Bag-over-the-head job?

LAUGHTER No, he's very handsome.

Looks like an angel. Cycling fanatic.

He hasn't taken any services yet.

Tragically, I think he might not last the week,

what with the vicar being how he is.

Blunt. Flies buzzing round him.

Yes, I'm told the vicarage is very dirty.

You don't walk through the house.

You wade! LAUGHTER

I'm just...

Yep.

Good morning.

I'm new here. Don't be alarmed.

Yes. I'm so glad you haven't already left.

Why would I leave?

VICAR: Never open the door, it'll only be lunatics!

Or the poor. Oh, yes, there, there is that.

I just wanted to say hello

and assure you that we are a vibrant and spiritual village.

And very loving.

Don't let anyone in, I'm not decent.

He really isn't.

Well, thank you.

Anyway, I'm Primrose Larkin. Miss.

Reverend Candy.

And...

Good.

I look forward to seeing you in church, if not before.

Indeed.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, what a dinky little shop.

Let's get this over with.

Good day to you. You must be the Jerebohms.

How do you know that?

Of course they know that. We live in the big house.

I am the headmistress of the village school.

I highly recommend it for your two children.

No, we don't believe in state education.

But we do very well.

Take Primrose Larkin, whose parents owned your house.

She achieved three As at A level.

You see, in our experience,

it isn't how clever or hard-working you are,

it's who you know. Isn't that wrong?

No, we like it, as a system.

Hello. Alec and Norma Norman.

Hello.

In fact, all the Larkins are special.

And Mr Larkin in particular is ludicrously attractive.

Oh, yes, we were thinking of having them over

for a dinner party, to show off all our improvements.

We'll be there, the Normans.

We're your sort of people.

When is it? I'll put it in my diary.

You're not invited.

Does anybody know of a local girl

who could help us with catering events?

Berndt does all our catering and child-minding,

but he's bad with people.

Touch me again, and I'll have the law on you!

It's OK, we're going steady.

Well, kind of. One day at a time.

SHE GIGGLES

Don't act stupid.

They're from London, so they'll be all sophisticated.

What?

We're from the farm just over the way.

Came to say hello.

You don't know anyone yet,

so do you want to go out and do stuff?

We know all the kids in the village.

We can show you some otters.

Why would WE spend time with YOU?

Bog off.

SCREAMING, WAILING

You try to be cordial.

Hey up, Ma. High society.

Drive your own motor, you nitwits.

Takes all sorts, Ma. Come on.

Oh, no, you're right.

I'm gonna hire my own full-time... hat-maker.

Oh, now you're talking. I'll have a magician.

Oh, that'll be nice. I'm gonna have... Hello!

Hello, Larkins.

We should put your Roller with ours, see if they make a baby.

It's very fecund, is Larkin Farm.

Nice to meet you. We haven't talked properly.

Exactly, and that's why we'd love to invite you over for din-dins,

wouldn't we, dear? Yes.

Oh, din-dins, yeah. We never say no to din-dins, do we, Ma?

No, never knowingly no to din-dins, no.

Seven-thirty tomorrow. Good.

POP CHUCKLES

PINKIE CHUCKLES, GEESE SQUAWK

What are they doing here?

Inviting us to din-dins.

Family of berks.

Language!

Still, must do our duty if we're invited.

This looks lovely. Maybe I should wear this more often.

Do the washing up in it. Yeah, beautiful.

That is raw sexuality, that is, right there.

SHE LAUGHS

Hey.

Ooh! Hello, trouble.

Good evening, and welcome to Bluff Court.

Run for your life, it's gonna be grim.

POP LAUGHS

How are you enjoying the peace and tranquillity?

We love it. Dream come true.

Yeah, very powerful, silence.

Sorry to interrupt the banter.

I hope everyone likes prawn cocktail.

Shall I stay while you eat that, or come back in a couple of seconds?

Stay.

Ruff!

MA CHUCKLES

How's your diet going, Mrs Jerebohm?

Smashing. Although I'm taking the evening off.

Yeah, have a blow-out.

We put quality over quantity.

We like a bit of both.

Yes, so...

Do you... have any pets?

Nah, it's a working farm. We love our animals, you know.

Take care of 'em, and then... eat 'em.

PINKIE CHUCKLES That's very droll, well done.

It's a shame our children didn't hit it off, isn't it?

Yes. Mine want me to sue yours for assault.

Kids, eh? In my day, we'd have a scrap,

then have a cry, then we'd be pals for life.

Really? What a super system. POP CHUCKLES

Or it got worse and worse until someone got badly hurt.

MA LAUGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, is it the cavalry with a loaf of bread?

POP LAUGHS Are you handing that wine round,

or making it last till Harvest Festival?

Evening, we were just passing. Alec Norman.

And Norma... Norman. Norma Norman.

Proud housewife. HE CHUCKLES

As you can see, we're entertaining.

Not a problem, we are also entertaining!

THEY LAUGH

Shall I call the police? What?!

No, don't.

Look, we're people like you.

We're completely solvent.

We'd make excellent friends.

No, I don't think so.

ALEC GRUNTS

We've prepared some anecdotes!

You must come to our house, then!

Get off me! Get your hands off me!

Get off my suit! Ow!

DOOR SLAMS

Ah.

Blimey, and they say splitting the atom takes some doing.

Let's face it, we've turned your sow's ear into a silk purse.

Well done. You wouldn't say that if you'd worked with pigs.

Wise animals - with gorgeous lugholes.

Spoken like a country bumpkin.

Spoken like a pri... Easy, tiger.

..ckly city type.

The panelling that you said was worth £1,000

is full of woodworm.

Oh. Well, we appreciate your honesty,

but they're yours to keep.

Ah, the gaiety.

Hm, yeah, it's a big old project.

I warned you off it,

but if you love it like you said you do,

then, er, you'll enjoy it, won't you?

But you took advantage of our good faith and generosity

and wildly overcharged us,

so we want a substantial rebate of our purchase price.

That is why we've been summoned to the big house.

Do you wanna take this, or shall I?

After you, Ma.

You bought the house as seen,

flashing your cash to make your Pinkie happy.

If you'd sold us the house,

would you be giving us the money back?

CHUCKLES

Answers on a postcard, please, ladies and gentlemen.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

WOMAN ON TV: 'Oh, that's a super hover.'

SHE INCREASES VOLUME

MUSIC CONTINUES

Reverend Candy, you dance, I might say, divinely.

AS CANDY: "Not as well as you, you gorgeous thing.

"Though I love you equally for your mind.

"Are we completely alone?"

Completely. The children wanted to sleep in the barn.

I love your dog collar. Is it made of ivory?

Two shillings for you to not tell anyone.

OK.

I never thought I was gonna feel sorry for Alec and Norma. Nor me!

So, I'm gonna jump in

and say the Jerebohms are a living nightmare.

No, Ma, I love 'em!

From their massive portions to their easy bonhomie (!)

I can't see 'em hanging around down here for long, can you?

And Pinkie's enthusiasms obviously last about ten minutes.

We'll see, won't we? Yeah.

What're we gonna have when we get in?

Half a goose each and a bottle of Champagne in the bath?

I should cocoa.

Ooh, hello.

Evening, all. Good evening.

Oh, you must be our rev's new chap.

I am.

I just... needed a little break from him.

Yeah, he's a rough diamond, the vic, in't he?

Well, he's rough, anyway.

Ma and Pop Larkin.

Ah, yes, I met your...

Erm, Reverend Ian Candy.

May I say, your name suits you.

Thank you.

So, how are you and the vic gonna divvy up the work, then?

Well, it seems the plan is for me to do... everything.

Yes, we thought he might suggest something like that.

MURMURS: Bless me, Rev, for I have sinned...

Phil, what shape shall we make the pool?

Oh, look, come here. Come here. Come here. Move. Move.

Come here, look. No, look at thi... What about this? Phil?

What about Mount Everest?

GUNSHOTS

HORSE WHINNIES

GUNSHOTS CONTINUE

GUNSHOTS CONTINUE

GUNSHOTS CONTINUE

GUNSHOTS CONTINUE

Well, it's disappointing.

Do we think they're trying to make a point? Just a bit.

Hello, Prim. Hello.

GUNSHOT

They're STILL doing that! Haven't they heard of reading?

Ah, they can let off steam, then we'll see how the land lies.

They're not doing anything illegal.

Well, last week of school, my Larkin-in-oes.

New vic's comin' in.

Vic-AR, please. Bit of respect for the Reverend Candy.

Ma likes him, cos he's a pretty boy, apparently.

Oh, talking about me again? How awkward.

Still, good looks brings great responsibility.

GUNSHOTS

Ignore it. They'll have had enough soon.

It'll be summink quiet next week, like nudism.

ALL: Eurgh...

GUNSHOTS

GUNSHOT Argh!

One more shot and I'm gonna do something I regret!

GUNSHOT, SHE SCREAMS

GUNSHOTS

RATTLING

GUNSHOTS

SMASHING

GUNSHOT

It's getting boring. We need living creatures to kill.

We've scared them all off, Blanche. Buy some, Daddy.

Yes.

Just coming.

Morning, Mr Larkin. Edith!

Come on in, we're swimming in kedgeree.

Thank you, but my stomach is in knots.

GUNSHOT, SHE GASPS

Oh, yeah, that. It gets on your wick, don't it?

I tried ear-plugs,

but I have unusual ears and everything falls out -

family trait, one of many misfortunes.

Well, relax, Edith. With any luck,

they'll accidentally shoot each other dead.

I'm not sure I'll last that long, and I hear the Chands...

GUNSHOT, SHE GASPS ..are contemplating suicide too.

Oh. Well, come on. Let's take a walk, then.

Whoa, whoa. Hello! Can I just interrupt your ritual slaughter?

If you're quick.

Mr Larkin, please don't complain about the noise.

This is our new passion.

We're bonkers for gunning things down.

No, Pinkie, you're gonna have to shout -

me ears have gone, so's Miss Pilchester's.

How's it been, Edith? Absolutely ghastly.

Just be like normal folk

and shoot for a couple of hours a day.

We'll do what we fancy, thank you.

Your kids started it.

But we're using real guns, because we're richer.

OK, couple of things there.

First - you're an odd child, got to find some friends.

Second - I asked you nicely, but you're shooting without licences

and out of season, using a purveyor of dodgy birds,

all due respect, Vivian. Pop.

Why would I listen to a hillbilly like you?

Oh, I'm gonna shoot someone myself if this rudeness continues.

Just, just take some advice: I know you're using real guns,

but in case you dozed off during the war,

they can put a hole in your head.

Don't say that. Don't be ridiculous.

SHOT, GRUNT

Whoops (!) Oh, dear.

Cheers, Viv. Cheers, Pop.

Come on, get up. Stop it!

Of course we'll be friends for ever, Robin.

Don't cry. Settle down, children.

Or should I say... young adults.

GIGGLING

You've seen and heard enough of me over the last dozen years,

so let me introduce you to someone new.

Hello, everyone. I'm Reverend Candy.

What's the matter? Nothing. Sorry. I'm...

I was still studying last year, at vicar school,

and I don't feel much older than you.

So you may be thinking: "Why should I listen to you?"

We're not thinking that.

Um, where was I?

You were talking... beautifully.

Thank you.

It's quietened down, but I don't see it lasting.

No.

The blood-curdling teenager and her Daddy ain't the happy kind.

And Pinkie is as daft as a rabbit in March.

Daft?

Or as unhappy as him? Eh?

Her husband does her bidding.

It's all about status with him.

He's got the big house in the country,

and he wants to keep hold of the pretty wife.

I'll have a go at winning her over. Woman to woman.

After all...

..how different can two people be, under the surface?

Hello.

Oh, hello. Brought a snack for the journey?

CHUCKLES

No, I've brought a selection of produce for you,

in case you relax your dietary rules.

I know our families haven't been getting along.

But how about you and me - we show 'em how it's done.

Well, I, erm, keep myself on a very tight leash.

My husband's scared I'll balloon.

And what do you think?

I, erm...

Well, they've gone up to town, so...

Mmm... Mmm!

Are you all right there?

Yes. Don't look at me.

OK. Mmm...

We don't need to be the same, or even good friends,

but we share a community, and a small wound can fester.

The wound isn't of our making.

We can't sell the house without making a big loss,

which Mr Jerebohm can't abide, so we're stuck down here.

So all this shooting is revenge?

How could you think that?!

We ADORE shooties,

especially my crazy husband and my slightly disturbing daughter.

Violence can be so cleansing, don't you think?

To be honest...

I think you'd all be better off having a lie-down

amongst the daisies and the sunflowers.

SHE SCOFFS

After 30 years in education, I thought I was used to noise.

Me, too. Ditto, ditto, ditto, army, ditto, ditto, ditto.

The same way I've got used to children wetting themselves.

If I had a pound for every wet patch, I'd be a happy woman.

But the shooting was driving us mad.

Well, Pop's done his best to stop 'em,

but it's all gonna blow up.

They say the countryside's quiet, but actually,

it's full of noise, isn't it?

Birds, and crickets,

and cows... Very true, Libby.

Tractors. People whistling.

Oh, the bells! That's enough noisy things now.

Good evening, everyone. Oh, good evening. Hello.

Hi. Evening.

Let me get everyone a drink.

Oh! Ah! You're so lovely!

So... three holy waters on the rocks?

LAUGHTER

I'm still in charge here.

It might seem a bit cocky, Ivor, but it's more fun than rectangular.

The shape of your head?

Yeah, look, look!

See?

What's up? Too big-headed for you, is it?

GUNSHOTS

We could empty the earth over 'em.

Don't tempt me, Ivor. I'm going to sort this out.

Pull!

Pull!

FLURRY OF GUNSHOTS

Where's Ma? Village.

Where's Pop?

Sorting out our peculiar neighbours once and for all.

Where's... Mariette and Charley?

Getting on a ferry in Brindisi.

The twins are probably in the barn re-staging their wedding,

Oscar's asleep, Victoria's stripping a lawnmower...

Ta... and I'm in emotional turmoil because I'm missing Mariette

and I wish she was here to help me decide what to do.

Can I help?

I'm about to leave school,

so this feels like a pivotal moment in my life,

and I am going to be brave and modern in everything that I do.

Starting today.

GUNSHOTS

Morning, Norma, Alec. Good morning.

What have you been buying - ear plugs?

You two never disappoint, do you?

There's a world of light and joy out there,

and you always seek the darkness.

Oh, shut up.

I was actually feeling sorry for you

after our neighbours' unfortunate dinner party.

Well, for all their faults, I'm glad to see the Jerebohms

are taking on you Larkins, as I predicted.

Good luck living next door to all that shooting.

SHE CHUCKLES

Very, very good, Norma. Thank you.

Pull.

I'm bored. I want to shoot something dead.

Yes, well, I tried, wumpit, but nobody will supply us

with any of those... grouses, or whatever they're called.

RUSTLING, GROWLING

It's a big one. SNARLING

Big what?

How would I know? I'm from Knightsbridge.

GRUNTING

WHIMPERING

Argh...!

I'm sure it's just a flesh wound.

Don't look back. All right, Daddy.

Oh, hello again. Hello there.

Do you want to see the vicar? He's just gone...

Why would I want to see him when you're on the premises?

It was nice to see you at your leaver's event.

I hadn't realised you were still at school.

Well, that was rather the point of it.

In 24 hours, I won't be at school,

and I was wondering, Ian,

if you'd like to go to the pictures with me?

Thank you, but I'm afraid I really can't.

Oh...

Are you rushed off your feet? Please say yes.

Yes, but that's not the reason.

Oh, right.

You have a girlfriend. I'm sorry, I should have checked, but...

No, no, I don't have a girlfriend.

Do you not... want one? Yes, but...

I've only just taken on the job, so that should have priority.

Of course. Well, maybe when you've settled in a bit.

Or is there another reason?

You know...

you're very young.

Well, as I'm so young, let's watch Dumbo, shall we?

Or Snow White And The Seven Dwarves? Something I'll understand?

Good afternoon, Officer. It's Constable, in fact.

Oh, is there a difference? Yes, about ten long, hard years.

Oh.

Are you Mrs Jerebohm, of, er, this address? I am.

If you want my husband I will have to wake him,

er, because he's been asleep for many hours.

We all have.

YAWNS LOUDLY Hello, Officer.

I'll let that misclassification go.

Now, have you or anyone in your household been using guns today,

for recreational or other purposes? No.

No, we USED to, but we gave it all up a few days ago

because our neighbour Mr Larkin

suggested that the noise was causing a disturbance.

Hmm.

Right. Perhaps Mr Larkin's shot someone.

Who said anyone's been shot?

Yes, there has been a serious shooting in the locality.

Gosh. Very upsetting.

Mm.

I'll return if I have any other enquiries.

Mm. Good.

YAWNING

DOOR SHUTS

Listen - that's how it should be.

And will be now. Thank you, PC Harness.

Yeah, cool as a cucumber, not as green, after all.

Well, going out with Pauline is quite nerve-wracking,

so everything else seems simple now.

THEY CHUCKLE

I'm appalled, though.

For all they know, they've shot an innocent person.

Yes, and killed him!

How are you bearing up, General?

GROWLING

GROANING

Sadly, I have experience of bloody battlefields, so...

strangely emotional.

Yeah, was a cruel trick, but now we know who we're dealing with.

Well done, Pauline.

Mm, Brigadier, you drink mine -

I've got half a dozen kids to attend to.

See you, Ma.

Let's hope that family are sitting there wondering

what the hell they've done.

Don't be late, Pop.

What must I do with it?

I don't know, dump it in a disused quarry.

Where is a disused quarry?

I DON'T KNOW!

I told you guns were bad. Did you listen?

I beg your pardon?

I TOLD YOU GUNS WERE BAD! DID YOU LISTEN?

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Berndt, if that's the police, tell them we're out.

I'm sure that's illegal.

Maybe we should hide.

I hate the countryside!

Oh, God. It's you.

I wouldn't take that tone with me, given the trouble you seem to be in.

What are you talking about?

I have my ear to the ground,

and I hear you shot someone and nearly killed them.

That's utter nonsense.

It is. Because Pop Larkin and his cronies staged the shooting.

I knew it! What do you mean, you knew it?

If you knew it, why didn't you tell me?

Don't do that.

I love what you've done with the decor. Very swish.

Thank you. You mean he fabricated an accident,

and we've destroyed thousands of pounds' worth

of shooting equipment for no good reason?

Maddening, isn't it?

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...

♪ Baby...

♪ Come on, baby

♪ I wanna play house with you...

♪ Oh, baby, baby, baby... ♪

How we doin?!

I stayed in the public house to keep the General company,

as he had been shot several times earlier in the day.

SOBBING

Oh, I'll eat you in a minute.

WHISPERS: What's going on?

She'll be all right.

What is it? He thinks I'm too young.

She asked Reverend Candy out, and he turned her down.

Oh, yeah, but well done for asking him, though, Primrose.

I mean, we Larkins don't wait for stuff to happen,

we MAKE things happen.

Yeah, might not always work out, but we won't die wondering.

Thank you. And you know what?

I'm laying odds...

that the reverend will come round to you, Prim.

Let's not lay bets on our daughter getting off with the new vicar, eh?

PRIM GIGGLES

Off to bed with you, pumpkin.

Last day of school tomorrow.

Oh...

Ah, they're good kids. Yeah.

Who are?

Oh, I'm cross! Yes. Yes.

In my experience, the best remedy for... crossness...

..is, erm... Oh, stop sidling. That's the last thing I want.

Yep. Sure.

Misjudged the mood.

They may have won the first skirmish...

but we'll win the war.

HUMS TUNE

You know I've got nothing but a raging love for you, Pop.

Oh, yeah? And I'm not in the habit of criticising you.

Well, don't give up on that now, will you?

But we got greedy, Pop.

We've sold to the wrong people.

Yeah, but, Ma, look, we're stuck with the old Jelly-bohms now,

aren't we, eh? So...

we might as well make sure we come out on top.

Know what I mean?

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