All language subtitles for 32 - Divided He Falls

Oh, honey, don't forget
about Uncle Albert.

According to his telegram,

he should be arriving
sometime today.

No, I won't forget.

And, honey, be
especially nice to him.

He's a construction engineer.

And no family. He's
on the road all the time.

You told me. I'll do everything
I can to make him feel at home.

Thank you, darling.

Oh!

Oh, and he is
a little eccentric.

If he pulls any of his
funny little gags on you,

just go along with him.

What funny little gags?

Well, there he goes.

Yes. The typical young
American executive

on the way to the office.

Same time, same place every day.

Yeah. You know a man
could set his watch by that,

if he had a watch.

Well, time for breakfast.

Shall we meet back here?

Absolutely, Mr. Dilloway.

Positively, Mr. Dunn.

Good morning, miss.

How did you know I was a miss?

Well, I...

I presume that the laws of
this state prohibit marriage

for those who are
under 21 years of age.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I am single.

I'm keeping house for my brother

while his wife
is away on a trip.

Oh, I see.

Are you selling something?

Just the pleasure of my
company at breakfast.

Now, I'm not partial to
eggs, but some wheat cakes

and crisp bacon and
lots of hot, strong coffee.

Strong coffee is my weakness.

You're a bum!

This is a respectable
neighborhood.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

A man of your
age... panhandling!

A simple no would've
been sufficient.

Good morning.

I know, don't tell me.

You're Uncle Albert.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Samantha, Darrin's wife.

He had to go to the office,

but I promised to take
very good care of you.

I hope you don't mind.

Mind? I'm delighted.

Come in, come in.

My, you were
hungry, Uncle Albert.

Yes. Traveling always
gives me an appetite.

You must lead an interesting
life on the road all the time.

Oh you, uh... You
know about that?

Well, a little.

Uh, most of your work is
done in the field, isn't it?

Yes, in the field. That's right.

Well, that Donald
is really a lucky man.

Uh, you mean Darrin?

Oh, Darrin, Darrin,
yes, of course.

Imagine me forgetting your
daddy's name, little fellow.

She's a girl, Uncle Albert.

Tabatha.

Oh, well, uh, Darrin's letter
informing me of the birth

must've arrived after I
left. My apologies, fair lady.

Apologies accepted.

Now, how would you
like to unpack your things

and get settled in your room?

Well, unfortunately, my
luggage won't arrive until later.

Some delay at the airport.

However, I would
like to wash the dust

of the road off
this tired old body.

Your room is at
the top of the stairs.

I'll show you.

No, no, no. Now,
you sit right there.

I'll find it.

I don't want my stay here

to be any trouble
to you whatsoever.

Ah.

Well, you like your
Great Uncle Albert, huh?

Well, I respect your opinion.

I like him too.

♪ I loved you ♪

♪ As I never loved before ♪

♪ When first I met you ♪

♪ On the village green ♪

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ As you did in days of yore ♪

♪ I'll love you As I loved you ♪

♪ When you were sweet ♪

♪ When you were sweet ♪

♪ Sixteen ♪

Oh, I didn't know
you were there.

My, you do look handsome.

Well, I... I realized
after I took my bath

that I didn't have a change.

I... I hope your
husband doesn't mind.

Oh, not at all.

I'm sure if he were
here, he'd insist.

You have a lovely voice.

Well, thank you.

That was a song I did in my act
back in the old vaudeville days.

You were an entertainer?

Oh, a headliner.

That's funny.

Darrin never told me.

I wonder why.

Well that was a long time ago.

I don't believe Darrin would
remember that part of my life.

Why did you give it up?

Well, it died, my dear.

Woke up one morning,
and it just wasn't there.

And that's when you decided to
become a construction engineer.

Construction engineer?

Oh, well, yes, I
faced the inevitable.

But really at heart, I'm still
an old song and dance man.

I bet you could still
entertain people in nightclubs

and on television.

No, no.

Those days are
gone forever, my dear.

When I hung up my straw
hat and cane, that was it.

And I became a, uh...

Construction engineer.

Yes, exactly.

From then on, it was just
constructing one engineer

after another until I adjusted
myself to the new life.

Oh, uh, Uncle Albert, would
you mind seeing who that is.

Why, certainly.

Yes? Hello.

I am Uncle Albert.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Pardon.

I said, "Oh, I
didn't hear that."

I'm looking for the Stephens.

Darrin and Samantha Stephens.

I... I believe they're
expecting me.

Oh, well, they moved
about two weeks ago.

That's strange.

Darrin never mentioned moving.

Well, I believe his office
transferred him unexpectedly.

They moved to Westport.

I see.

Do you mind if I
use your telephone?

Well, ordinarily I wouldn't,

but I'm down with a rare
case of Galloping Fungi.

The doctor says
it's very contagious.

Well, in that case, I'm
sorry to have bothered you.

Oh, not at all.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Who was it, Uncle Albert?

Oh, uh, just a peddler.

I got rid of him.

Good.

How did you find me?

Hey, I saw that lady usher you
in like she was expecting you.

How did you do it?

Well, it's a case of
mistaken identity.

She thinks I'm her uncle Albert.

It's a case of a gorgeous setup.

Furniture, appliances, silver.

We steal all we can.

Now, look, William, I
like this lady and her baby.

Okay, then we don't steal.

You don't understand, William.

I owe her some loyalty.

You wanna talk about loyalty?

For 30 years I
carried you in the act.

For 30 years I cooked
you mulligan stew.

So until this family goes to
bed tonight, you're Uncle Albert.

After that, you're Horace
Dilloway of Dilloway and Dunn.

And you're gonna
help me load the truck

that I'm gonna hire
to clean out this joint.

Look, William, can't we
try some other place?

No. Like it says in the
sketch, this must be the place.

Look, Horace, forget loyalty.

Think of responsibility.

Financial responsibility
to certain people.

Like who? Like us.

Look, your way, if they find
out you're not Uncle Albert,

it's the clink.

My way, it's Miami and
some loot for a change.

There's somebody at
the door. You better go.

Hi, Miss Kravitz.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stephens.

I just came by to return this.

It was in the kitchen.

Abner thinks Gladys
borrowed it quite some time ago.

Thank you, but you
needn't have bothered.

Oh, I know how it is
when you run short.

I was saying to Abner
just this morning.

Abner, I said, I...

Oh, uh, Miss Kravitz,

I'd like you to meet
Darrin's Uncle Albert.

It's a pleasure and
a privilege, my dear.

Didn't I, uh... Haven't we
met somewhere just recently?

Oh, that's not very likely.

You see, I've been out of
the country for some time,

and I certainly would've
remembered you.

Well, goodbye, Mrs. Stephens.

Nice meeting you, Mr., uh, uh...

Albert, Uncle Albert.

Please, don't be a stranger
during my stay here.

Time is so fleeting.

Well, goodbye, all.

Well that was an
interesting visit.

Yes, wasn't it?

And we are developing
a crash program

to present to Mr. Martin.

It's my considered
opinion that he should...

Mr. Stephens' office.

Oh, sure. Hi!

Just a second.

It's Mrs. Stephens.

Hi, sweetheart.

I'm up to my ears.

Did Uncle Albert
get there all right?

Yes, yes, he arrived
just after you left.

How do you like him?

Fine. I like him just fine.

Well, uh, you don't
sound very enthusiastic.

Well, Darrin, you
remember you mentioned

those little things he does.

Well, he only does
them for laughs,

even though he's
not very good at them.

Well, I think he's
very good at them.

Has he pulled the one about
the mouse in his pocket yet?

No. But he's pulled the one

about Harriet
Kravitz's wristwatch.

Oh, listen, honey,
I forgot to tell you.

There's a photograph of Uncle
Albert in the bottom drawer

of the desk in the living room.

It might be nice if we
had it out on display.

Well, all right, sweetheart.

Oh, look, I just
wanted to ask you...

I'm sorry, honey.

I've gotta get going
on this Martin thing.

And I might be a little
later than I thought,

so try to amuse Uncle
Albert till I get there, will you?

All right. I'll try.

Thanks, sweetheart. Bye.

Bye.

Now, where were we?

It was right here:

"In my opinion, it's..."

Will you get that, Betty.

Mr. Stephens' office.

Oh, I see.

Well, just a minute.
Let me check with him.

It's Mr. Martin's office.

And they wanna know if
they can postpone the meeting

until 11 tomorrow morning.

Tell them yes!

Yes, tomorrow will be fine.

Oh, well, thank you.

Okay, goodbye.

Now, would you like for me
to read the memo back to you?

No.

We can do it first
thing tomorrow morning.

I think I'll go home and
surprise my uncle Albert.

I tell you, I was wearing it
when I went in this house,

and that man stole it.

Harriet, you don't
know for sure.

Oh, I don't, don't I?

You'll see.

Oh, hi there, Miss Kravitz.

Yes, it's me again. Where is he?

Um.

Won't you come
in, too, Mr. Kravitz.

Thank you.

There he is.

Well, Miss Kravitz,
to what do we owe

the pleasure of this visit?

To a certain item taken from
my person by a certain party.

Don't pretend you don't
know what I'm talking about.

Well, I'm afraid you do
have me at a disadvantage.

You see, I've just come
back from a long, long trip,

and, well, my mind
is still a little fuzzy.

Well, let me enlighten you.

Harriet, please.

I happen to be talking
about my wristwatch.

You mean the one you're
wearing, Miss Kravitz?

Yeah, that's the one all right.

Oh, boy. I'm sorry,
Mrs. Stephens.

Abner, I was not wearing
that a few minutes ago.

Harriet, please.
You need glasses.

I've been telling you since
you fell out of the tree house

when you were 6 years old.

Goodbye, Mrs. Stephens.

Goodbye, Mr. Kravitz.

Well, another interesting
visit from the Kravitzes.

I wonder why that nice lady
thought I stole her watch.

Perhaps because you did.

Pardon?

Oh, come on, I was standing
right here when you did it.

Oh, you were?

Now, Darrin's told me all
about you, Uncle Albert.

This was just another one
of your funny little tricks,

wasn't it?

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

It was one of my
funny little tricks.

But I still don't understand
how she got it out of my pocket.

Do you?

Mm-hmm. How?

Oh, that's just one of
my funny little tricks.

Now, you have a request
for an encore from Tabatha.

Do you mind?

Oh, that'll be a pleasure.

Oooh!

Holy Toledo!

Oh!

Oh, hi.

I wanted to surprise
my Uncle Albert.

Ah, Darrin, I thought you were
supposed to work late tonight.

The meeting was postponed.

Oh, it was?

Uh, Darrin.

There he is. I see him.

Darrin.

He's sitting there
reading my newspaper.

Isn't he great?

Darrin. What?

He's not your uncle.

Oh. What?

You see, he's only pretending
because I made the mistake

in the first place.

What mistake?

You see, I thought he
was your uncle Albert,

so I invited him in.

He's really a very nice man.

I like him.

Tabatha likes him.

You'll like him.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it!

What happened
to my uncle Albert?

You know, I've been
wondering about that myself.

Anyway, you'll enjoy
this Uncle Albert.

I asked him to stay overnight.

You did? Why?

Because I'd already invited him.

I-I thought I'd explain.

You see, I thought
he was Uncle Albert.

That doesn't make any sense.

He's wearing my suit.

Yes.

Doesn't it look nice?

Does he know that you
know he's not Uncle Albert?

No. Oh, Darrin, please,
please, go along with it.

Just for tonight.

Sam... Please?

You, uh... You must be Donald.

Darrin, and you must be...

my uncle Albert.

It's no wonder
you look surprised.

You probably don't
even recognize me.

After all, it's been years.

Oh, the last time you saw
me, I was probably that high.

Maybe even that high.

You've changed a bit yourself.

Well, time does change one.

It's great to have you
here, Uncle Albert.

Oh, thank you.

Well, why don't we have a drink.

All right.

And after dinner, we can, uh...
We can kick around old times.

Huh.

It was marvelous the
way he warmed up to you

when you were talking
about the old days.

Yeah.

I never knew I'd gone
to a burlesque show

when I was only 6 years old.

You were marvelous.

You're not bad yourself.

Well, thank you.

Sleep well.

That's it. That's
all we can carry.

Now, wait. For what?

I can't go through with it.

Are you gonna start that again?

They were so wonderful to me.

You... You should've been
in there at dinner tonight.

You bet I should've
been in there at dinner.

And the sooner we
get rid of this stuff,

the sooner I can
buy my own dinner.

Like in Miami Beach, Florida.

They really made
me feel like somebody.

Yeah. The somebody they
made you feel was Uncle Albert.

How do you think they're
gonna make you feel

when they find out
you're Uncle Horace?

Come on, come
on, let's get going.

What is it?

I think your hobo
friend just hit the road.

Well?

Oh, Darrin.

I was so sure he'd
turn over a new leaf.

Honey, he's obviously
been at it a long time.

With him, you'd have
to uproot the whole tree.

Well, I guess I
better call the police.

Police?

Is that absolutely necessary?

Have you got any better ideas?

As if I didn't know.

Hey, what can I do to
make you crack a smile?

It's a lost cause. Yeah.

You'll change your mind when
I turn this into eating money.

We can bum a year on
what we got back here.

Hey, I wonder if
this is real silver.

It could be worth
a lot of dough.

Wait a minute.

Let me see that.

"To Darrin from Uncle Albert".

Oh, no!

Oh, no, what?

They knew.

They knew I wasn't
Uncle Albert all the time.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm going back.

Oh, no chance pal.

You wanna go back,
get out and walk.

All right.

You know, you're
breaking up the act.

Unless you wanna stick with me.

No, I'm sorry. I can't do that.

Absolutely, Mr. Dilloway?

Positively, Mr. Dunn.

All right, you've had your fun.

Now, you just kindly turn
around and come back.

What's that?

These things
don't belong to you.

Just bring them back.

You're wasting
your time and mine.

Yeah?

What happens if I turn you off?

I must be losing my mind.

No, not really.

Just do as I tell you.

Yeah, lady. All right.

Honey, they couldn't have
swiped the phone, could they?

Uh-uh. It's right down there.

Thanks.

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to call the police.

Oh, darling, I don't
think that'll be necessary.

Our furniture is
on its way back,

and Uncle Albert will be
knocking at the door any second.

Really?

Why do I even ask?

May I come in?

Hello, Uncle Albert.

Glad you decided to come back.

Oh, Samantha, I'm
not your uncle Albert.

I'm a tramp.

And you both knew it
right from the beginning.

Why didn't you throw me out?

Because we liked
having you here.

That'll be the police.

Well, I guess I had
it coming to me.

Well, it's not the police.

It's the truck you left in.

William?

He's back here?

Let's just say he
delivered the truck.

You know where
to find him later.

You're not going to
have me arrested?

My wife thinks you can turn
over a new leaf and get a job.

Maybe the suit
will bring you luck.

I can keep it?

Why not?

Well, I don't know
how to thank you.

Maybe I can get a job,
really be somebody.

You are somebody.

You're Horace Dilloway
of Dilloway and Dunn.

And now you can go
back to entertaining people

in nightclubs and on television.

Oh, no. No chance.

Nobody has any
use for us these days.

And I say they do.

You really think it's possible?

Mr. Dilloway, when my
wife says it's possible,

believe me, it's possible.

How did you know my name?

Oh, that's just another
one of my funny little tricks.

Oh.

Well, I'll be in touch with
you if you'll... If you'll let me.

We'll be looking for you.

Goodnight, Darrin and
thank you very much.

Goodnight, Mr. Dilloway.

Goodnight, Samantha

Goodnight, Uncle Horace

I told you everything
would be all right.

You'll see.

Dilloway and Dunn are
gonna be headliners again.

I wasn't worried about them.

I was thinking about
lugging all that furniture

back into the house tonight.

Darrin, why don't you
let me do it for you.

Sam, this is some
kind of a record.

For the second
time in one night,

I'm not gonna argue with you.

Wait for me.

What took you so long?

Hey... Huh?

I just thought of it.

What?

Whatever happened
to my uncle Albert?

Oh, well, I wouldn't
worry about him.

He's probably busy
constructing engineers.

Come on.