All language subtitles for 06 - No Zip In My Zap

Rise and shine.

Oh, did I oversleep?

Six-thirty?

And all is well. Voil�.

What's all this?
What are you doing up so early?

A toast.

To the new anti-smog device...

manufactured by
Carter Brothers Industrial Products.

More specifically...

to the brilliant young fellow who
designed their advertising campaign.

They bought it!

Yeah. I couldn't wait to tell you.

Oh, sit down
and tell me all the details.

Unless, of course,
you're too modest.

You twisted my arm.

What did Mr. Carter say?

Well, among other things,
I was called an advertising genius.

I'm so proud of you.

Honey, everyone was.
It's a deal that's good for everyone.

Everything went so smoothly,
right from the start. It was like magic.

Sam, you didn't by any chance...?

No, Darrin, you did it all yourself.

You are a brilliant advertising man.

I have one fault.

Your modesty.

And I want you to go down today...

and purchase two tickets
for that cruise to Bermuda.

- You mean it?
- Larry said a big bonus.

Oh, Darrin, it'll be like
a second honeymoon.

- Nothing wrong with the first.
- True.

I'd better get to the office.

Larry's ready to burn incense
at my feet.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Congratulations.

Thanks, hon.

Morning, Mommy.

Good morning, sweetheart.

- Daddy go?
- Yes, just left.

Daddy didn't go.

Darrin!

Darrin?

Darrin, you forgot your briefca...

Tabatha, no!

Oh, Tabatha.

Crickery crockery heed my wishes
Reassemble into dishes

Oh, my stars!

Bach or "Road to Mandalay"
I command you, piano, to play

"Melancholy Baby"?

Mother!

Mother!

Mom?

I command with all my might
This wretched lighter now to light

Oh, thank heavens you heard me.

- You called me?
- Mother, don't joke.

Well, I merely popped in
to see my grandchild.

Well, your "child" child
is glad you're here.

Mother, I've lost my powers.

Watch.

Dwindling kindling, earn my praise
Fire burn with cheery blaze

There, now do you believe me?

Oh, darling, forgive the cynicism.

- I'll call Dr. Bombay.
- Good.

Endora, I've asked you a thousand
times to call me at the exchange.

I was at a concert.

- In that getup?
- Quite appropriate, I assure you.

Nero was fiddling, Rome was burning.
It was a smasheroo.

- A reenactment, of course.
- Of course.

And I'm very sorry.

But this is an emergency.

Samantha has lost her zap.

Good. Wouldn't have lasted anyway.

These mixed marriages...

Not "sap," "zap."

Oh, sorry. Stick your tongue out.

Gladly.

Say "ah."

Is it serious?

When did you fly last?

Well, I can't remember.
I've been very busy.

Let me see you try
simple self-levitation.

The tongue depressor, levitate it.

Have you been practicing
your normal day-to-day witchcraft?

Well...

Don't tell me because
you're married to one...

you've been trying to live like one.

- Sad, but true.
- Mother.

My dear girl, you haven't
lost your powers...

they're simply clogged up.

Such neglect of her metaphysics
has rendered her earthbound.

- Earthbound?
- My dear, there's no need to panic.

But simple levitation is urgent in order
to prevent the dam from bursting.

Mother!

And you stay there, young lady.

But I can't stay up here,
I've got things to do.

Quiet.

If you need me, call.

Through the exchange.

Now you just rest.

We'll have you back on your feet
in no time.

Rest? Up here?

- Levitation is the only cure.
- How long?

Well, Samantha, Rome was
neither built nor burned in a day.

Rome didn't have a child
to take care of or a house to clean.

Grandmama will take care
of little Tabatha.

As for the house...

you can take care
of that yourself...

when you get better.

Larry, I don't wanna put
my feet on your desk.

You don't like my desk?

I love your desk.
I'm crazy about your desk.

It's yours.

You're a genius.

"Inhale in Health."

Oh, are we gonna fill our lungs
full of that fresh, clean money.

Darrin, you really earned
your bonus this time.

After Nilesmunster signs the contract,
I'll sign your bonus check.

- Nilesmunster?
- M.J. Nilesmunster.

The guy Carter sent to give
the contract the final once-over.

- You know him?
- I went to school with a Nilesmunster.

Well, if this is a guy you
went to school with...

This was a girl.

- Who was a girl?
- Mary Jane Nilesmunster.

What's the matter with you?

You know that feeling when
you get up in the morning...

the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing so nice...

and you fall down the whole flight
of stairs splat on your face?

What are you talking about?

Mary Jane Nilesmunster
swore she'd get me someday...

and knowing her,
she might pick this day to do it.

Now, look, Darrin...

I know how important
this deal is to you...

me too...

but let's not get paranoid.

M.J. Nilesmunster represents one of
the top manufacturers of the country.

They're up on the big board.

M.J. can't be Mary Jane.

You're right, Larry. I'm being silly.

- Of course you are.
- I just want everything to work out.

You know me, I'm a walking ulcer.
Do I look worried?

- Any word from Nilesmunster yet?
- The plane arrived on schedule.

- The appointment was for 2:00?
- Yes, Mr. Tate.

Did you speak
to Nilesmunster directly?

No, Mr. Stephens.
She was under the dryer.

Larry, please. Tell her I'm sick.
Tell her I died.

She's waiting to pull
the rug out from under me.

She particularly requested
that you be there.

You know why?

She wants to see the look on
my face when she says, "No deal."

Hell has no fury
like a woman scorned.

So that's it.
Take it from an old hand, they forget.

You don't know Mary Jane.
So long, Larry.

You should see what she wrote
in the yearbook.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.
It may take a while, but I'll get you."

Pinning a girl at prom
doesn't mean you're gonna marry her.

I know that...

but her mother broadcast
the engagement all over the state.

- On the radio?
- Her mother didn't need a radio.

I've been through it a hundred times.

By now, to her,
you're just another face.

Not with her memory.

She could recite
both senators from every state.

Don't make me say it, Darrin.

- Say what?
- You're just not that memorable.

You're a little guilty. Tell Sam about it
and get it off your chest.

- Good idea, I'll go call her.
- Not now.

It's open.

I'm on long distance.
Make yourselves at home.

That's her.

Mr. Tate, could you
come in for a second?

Mr. Carter wants to speak to you.

- Right. Mr. Stephens too?
- Just you.

What'd I tell you?

- Hello.
- Thank goodness I caught you.

I hope you haven't picked up
those tickets to Bermuda.

Well, no, sweetheart.
As a matter of fact, I haven't.

- What's wrong?
- I'll explain later.

Something happened
to shake up this deal.

Oh, darling, I am sorry.

- Where are you now?
- At the hotel.

Well, don't you worry, darling.
We can manage without...

Samantha, the less contact with
humans, in your condition, the better!

Samantha can't talk to you anymore.

You! Would you put Samantha
back on the phone.

She's indisposed.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- She's flying.

- Flying?
- I didn't expect you to understand.

- Mother.
- Yes?

That was a terrible thing to do,
even for you.

You calm yourself.
You're not at all well.

Flying?

Flying?!

Sam.

Sam, is that you?

You didn't have to come
all the way down here, honey.

A trip to Bermuda can't
mean that much to you.

Sam. Sam!

Sam, please. Go home!

There'll be other deals,
other trips to Bermuda, I promise.

Sam!

Sam? Honey?

Besides, there's nothing you could do,
even if I wanted you to.

Sam, please, go home!

Sam, please.
Please, Samantha. Please?

Go home.

Mother, you work
at trying not to understand.

I know how much
this deal means to Darrin.

He needs help.

I've always said that.

Be serious.

Darrin is in some kind of trouble
and he needs help.

He'd never ask.

If he was going to ask,
he'd probably do it by not asking.

- Don't you see?
- Oh, yes. It's marvellously clear.

This is a fine time for my powers
to get clogged up.

Samantha, I learned something
very important a long time ago.

When a man asks
for help from a woman...

especially by not asking for help...

the best thing for her to do
is to forget about the whole thing.

- You sure?
- Dead certain.

Where'd you learn that?
From the Wicked Witch of the West?

No, from a divorce lawyer
in Southern California.

Oh, Samantha! Really!

Sam, please, go home.

I don't want your help.

Whatever you do, I'll undo,
so you just might as well go on home.

You're wasting your time.

Besides, I don't like the idea
of your mother sitting with the ba...

by.

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home.

- That's a fly.
- It is?

I'd better have the
old optics checked.

Larry!

A life. After all, a fly has
as much right to live as a...

This is Darrin Stephens,
Miss Nilesmunster.

- How do you...?
- I just wanted to say...

that things in the past have no
bearing on things going on right now.

How do you do, Mr. Stephens?

I've been looking forward
to meeting you.

How do you do?

Well, Stephens, shall we
get to the contract?

Miss Nilesmunster, before you sign,
there's something you should know.

You're being dealt with unfairly.

You see, a long time ago,
we knew each other, but you forgot.

But you didn't really forget.
That is...

The point is, you know me,
but you don't know that you know me.

It's a spell!

Darrin, Miss Nilesmunster
is a very busy woman...

and I don't think we should delay her
any longer than we have to.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

Thank you very much,
Miss Nilesmunster.

What did I tell you?

Oh, Mother, there's Darrin now.
Please let me down.

If you want to get back in shape,
you'll stay off your feet.

But he's never been this late.
Mother, I'm worried.

You know what may happen.

Just let me down!

Good evening, Samantha.

- Good evening, madam.
- Darrin.

Don't you recognize me either?

- What's wrong?
- He's soused to the gills, that's what.

Mother, please.

Nonsense, madam. I'm quite sober.

I had only ti martoonis.

Then take the olives out of your mouth.
You're talking funny.

Funny is better than dreary.

Would you ask Little Miss Muffet
to get her tuffet out of here?

All right.

But if you need me...

just light a match
near his breath.

I'll see the flames.

Good old Smokey the Bore.

Darrin, what is it?
Did the deal fall through?

You know darn well
the deal didn't fall through.

Well, now, how would I
know a thing like that?

When you called this afternoon,
I figured something was wrong.

And so you right away:

- I what?
- You:

I told you I didn't need your help.
But, no, you're the cavalry.

You're zaphappy,
that's what you are.

All right, now, one step at a time.

The deal didn't fall through,
and you're mad at me.

Listen, when you landed on my nose,
I told you right then...

Wait, when I landed on your nose?

Sammy, you're not going to deny
that you turned yourself into a fly...

and flew down to the hotel...

and zapped yourself
into a two-week cruise to Bermuda?

You know something funny?

I don't understand one word
you're saying.

I haven't left this house all day.

There is nothing worse
than a flying lie!

A lying fly.

Your own mother
said you were flying.

Right here! And for therapy,
if you wanna know.

I couldn't have changed myself
into anything even if I wanted to.

- You couldn't?
- No.

And you know why?

Because I've lost my powers.

They're all dammed up.

And if I don't take care of myself,
the dam will burst.

- I won't be able to control it...
- She didn't even recognize me.

Oh, sweetheart, you're not
even listening. Come back.

No power, huh?

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

When it comes back,
it's out of control.

Wouldn't it be better
if you admitted the truth?

The truth is that I haven't
done anything.

I've been absolutely
powerless all day.

I've been trying to get the piano to play,
the fire to burn, the lighter to light...

Oh, Darrin, it isn't me.

Well, I mean, it is,
but that's because the dam's burst.

Sam, turn that piano off.
This is a madhouse.

But I can't control it.

I'm warning you, Sam.
I'm gonna have to get out of here.

It's been a rough day.

All right, then.

Go back to your friendly bartender
with your mouth full of olives!

Well, what'll it be old buddy?

On the rocks?

I always make them 5-to-1.

A man loses his integrity,
he has nothing.

- I'll drink to that.
- Bartender.

- I'll drink to that.
- Keep the change.

I'll drink to that.

You're a married man,
you don't have to put up with all the...

That I won't drink to.
Drink from, yes. To, no.

My own wife, she had to interfere.

- They're all the same.
- No, they're not, yours is human.

I'd like to take a vote on that.

- Mine's a witch.
- They all are.

- She changed herself into a fly.
- They all change.

Starts out with,
"Anything you say, dear," and then...

But she's not gonna get away with it.

If we go to Bermuda, it's gonna be
on my credentials, not on her:

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna put a whammy
on her hocus-pocus right now.

- You better lay off.
- I'll drink to...

I recognized you this afternoon.

Oh, people change.
Now, on second look...

- What did you say?
- I said, I recognized you, Darrin.

When I heard the name,
I wondered...

but the minute I laid
eyes on you, I knew.

Then why...?

Well, the last time I saw you,
I was very upset.

I threatened childishly.

Let's just say, I prefer not to remember
that hysterical, vengeful girl.

I guess you thought
I was pretty dense.

I admit, it did cross my mind.

Will you please accept my apology?

It's a deal. Our second today.

Well, I certainly am happy
everything worked out.

I think we all are.

Well, you certainly have
come a long way.

I mean, from drum majorette to...

I mean, you hold a very important
position in the business world.

For a woman, you mean?

Oh, it's all right.

Ladies who work in what's considered
a man's job get used to that.

I suppose.

What we don't get used to
is keeping up in the business world...

and taking care of our children
at the same time.

- You're married?
- Very.

- But "Nilesmunster"?
- That's the name on my law degree.

- Are you married?
- Yes, I'm married.

- Do you remember...?
- Whatever happened...?

- I'm sorry, go ahead.
- No, you.

I was wondering if you knew
what happened to that Wilson brat...

that used to drive you cuckoo?

- Harvey Wilson?
- Harvey.

I never knew his first name.
We used to call him Stinky.

- That's who I'm married to.
- Wonderful guy.

Well, I'd better get going.

Come on, Sam.

It was stupid male pride.
That's the reason I acted the way I did.

You didn't believe me,
that's what hurt.

I'm sorry.

Well, what is a marriage
if it isn't based on trust?

You're right.

I'm not a liar.

Honey, I promise
I'll never doubt you again.

Forgiven?

Just one more question.

A fly?

Now, don't you think I have
more imagination than that?

Yes. I told you it was
just stupid male pride.

Okay. You're forgiven.

One question.

Is this any way
to run a marriage?

Well...

I mean, how long are you gonna
have to stay like this?

Tonight should do it.

Well...

I guess we can make up
tomorrow night.