All language subtitles for The Larkins s02e02 The Trap.eng

There you go.

Cigar?

Oh! No, I couldn't.

You sure? Best Havana.

I did try one in my youth. Enjoy it?

I did rather!

Oh, goodness! HE CHUCKLES

THEY CHUCKLE So, we said 65, right?

Well, there's 70 cos I like ya.

Thank you.

You know what, Lady Violet,
I know this is smaller

than your old house, but I
think you'll be very happy here.

I hope so. I grew up
with those heirlooms.

Well, I'm gonna keep most of 'em anyway,

so come and give 'em
a hug if you miss 'em.

SHE LAUGHS You're very kind.

Only to them what deserves it.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

Well... I suspect you're a ladies' man.

Guilty!

So don't let us members of the
fair sex exploit your good nature.

OK, I'll look out for that, Lady V.

BIRDS CHIRP

Nice bit of birdsong.

Isn't it?

HE LAUGHS

HE GRUNTS

All right, mate? HE CHUCKLES

# "Armour" in the mood for love
Simply because you're near me! #

You don't say much, do ya?

HE CHUCKLES

MR JEREBOHM: I'm glad
you've agreed to co-operate

on the Larkins problem.

Yes, we weren't best pleased

at being ejected from
your house like hoodlums.

You did attempt to
gate-crash our dinner party.

Oh, dear, no, I'm on a diet.

Whatever you're on, it's
working a treat, Pinkie.

No, thank you, I've eaten.

So, using your knowledge of the Larkins,

how can we make them suffer?

Well...

Sorry... will we be hearing an apology

for frog-marching us off your premises?

Pop Larkin has swindled these
good people, Norma. Let's move on.

I'm all for that...

after I've heard even a
tiny squeak of contrition.

Yes, er, of course, yes,
well, I'm sorry if, erm...

There we go! How hard was that?

ALEC CHUCKLES

They never forget, do they, the ladies!

No, we don't.

We have to use the
few cards we're dealt.

Yes.

Knowing Pop Larkin as I do,

he has weaknesses we can
exploit. What are they?

He loves his pig. You
could have it poisoned.

You don't understand, do you?

We want the Larkins publicly
humiliated and destroyed...

..starting with that man.

There you go, Petunia.

What're you gonna do with these?

I dunno, but classic,
though, ain't they?

"Shut yer face!"

HE CHUCKLES What's this?

That, Victoria, is a hip bath.

What's it for?

Well, it's if you've got... dirty hips.

Or raging piles.

Ugh! Good bit of business?

Perfick. There we are!

Now, don't let Oscar
pick up stuff and eat it.

All right. Again!

I dread to think what's in his stomach.

I'm worried he's gonna start rattling.

Summer holidays start here, eh?

You know what's been
going through my head, Ma?

Tumbleweed, is it? Something by Elvis?

Nah!

Our neighbours, the old Jellybums.

Why don't we have a big, fat
barbecue and invite 'em over?

Fine by me. As long as
it's not just them...

cos they give my natural joie
de vivre quite a battering. Why?

I was just thinking we
got off on the wrong foot.

Well, maybe we were a bit
greedy about the house.

Let's mend bridges.

Yeah, and I think that
Pinkie's all right, you know?

I know you do.

He's the problem. Oh, I dunno.

You get a feeling about some folks.

You do.

Wanna go back to bed?

I can't. I've got urgent
business with Primrose.

On a Sunday?!

You don't think you're overdoing it? No.

I've made this mistake before,

over-estimating how observant men are.

God, yeah.

Some of them can't distinguish
much beyond naked and not naked.

Thanks (!)

He thinks I'm too young,

so I need to make it
blindingly obvious that I'm not.

DOOR OPENS

Hoo!

Good morning, and welcome
to the pretty girl...

Erm... HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

..to the ninth Sunday after T-Trinity.

Nice to see so many
faces. Old faces, too.

Especially the older
faces. Equally lovely.

More, however, because
so... characterful.

Yeah, and, er... and wise.

Yes, it is a warm one.

I'll distract them. You get in there.

Mrs Babcock!

Where on earth did you get that handbag?

Erm... Yes, I made it.

Oh, you made it. How fabulous!

I need another word with the Reverend.

No! You've had your turn!

DISTANTLY: Tell me all about
the Babcocks. One by one.

Thank you for coming. My
pleasure. I'm very religious.

Oh, are you?

Yes, it's embarrassing.
Peace be with you.

And also with you.

Look, I'm sorry I was brusque
with you the other day.

You seem lovely...

but I hadn't realised
you were still at school.

Well, as I mentioned, I'm
not any more, and I'm 18.

How old are you? 20, 21?

23. Exactly, no gap at all.

And I'm... I'm mature beyond my years.

I have no doubt of that.

And sociable. My family are having
a barbecue Saturday lunchtime,

erm, so please do come,

and allow at least three hours
for accompanying activities.

Mm, thank you.

The Vicar is keeping me rather
busy, including Saturdays...

No, you have to come.

You seem over-worked, and, erm,

it's important to eat right and
not be a stranger to pleasure.

Right. Even so.

There'll be lots of wayward
flock there to gather in.

I mean, really wayward.

BRIGADIER: I think we
have everything. Mm-hm.

Vicar...

you look like a man
without a care in the world.

What's your secret? Jesus.

Apart from that. My
assistant's doing all my work.

Best thing that's ever happened to me.

Just don't ruin the
Reverend Candy's looks.

He's very young and handsome.
So people keep telling me.

I fear you might be
exploiting him. Absolutely.

Ah, you look like you're on a mission.

Yes, I thought I'd go
Italian this evening,

so I'm after a tin of macaroni cheese.

Ah. CAR DOORS SLAM

They'll never be liked. Rich and mean.

I prodded him about our organ fund,

and it was like I was talking in Danish.

They behaved very shoddily
over that shooting business.

You handle the villagers.
Oh, look, a notice board.

I feel the pink is a
mistake. Pinkie's her name.

I think that restricts
her colour choice.

I'd love to be called Pinkie.

Greetings, villagers. How are we today?

We're in the pink.

Oh, you mustn't be. That's
my thing! PINKIE LAUGHS

I realise now,

we've rather stomped around in
hobnail boots since moving here,

but we already love the place dearly.

Please don't think
we're snobbish or aloof.

Hardly. As if we would.

Prove you're not, then.

Well, I accept the reproof,
and I shall do better in future.

I'm afraid my husband's a hopeless
townie, but I'm working on him.

Can we be friends now?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh!

What you gonna do with
yourself today, darlin'?

Now that your life's your
own. I'm going to write.

Love poetry? What rhymes
with "Reverend Candy"?

Leather and... shandy? Ever stand by me?

No, I'll be writing my thoughts
- some stories, my journal.

Some literary criticism. Ooft!

You've got so much going for you.

What ARE you gonna do?

Oh, not go abroad like your sister. No.

Well, I'd like to carry on
persuading Reverend Candy

that I'll be a brilliant girlfriend.

Course you do. What about jobs-wise?

I think I might be a good journalist.

That is such an exciting
notion! Isn't it?!

Oh, you beautiful, ginger dark horse.

How are you gonna go about it?

Ah. POP: How do?

Hello, Mr Larkin.

Don't let me interrupt
your constitutional.

Oh, please do.

I'm only doing it cos Mr
Jerebohm likes me to keep thin.

Yeah, well... Takes all sorts.

Yes. Well, he can be
quite, erm... Well...

Well, don't keep it in. Tell Uncle Pop.

No, I mustn't.

I'm on a new diet, in fact. Ooh.

Big mistake
- unless it's the famous

fish chips, big pudding
and pink Champagne diet.

Well, no, it's, erm... ice.

Ice? As many ice cubes a day as I fancy.

You get a very cold mouth.

You really do need more
fun in your life, don't ya?

Erm, actually I... I do. I, erm...

I'm so sorry.

It's not always easy at home.

Oh. Yeah, well, I was
saying to Ma, y'know,

our families got off to a bad start,
but least said, soonest mended.

Thank you!

I don't know how it happened
because... well, we...

I love people.

Like, really love them. Good.

You Jerebohms, are you
free Saturday lunchtime?

Well, I am. If my husband will let me.

Why don't you come over
to ours for a barbecue?

Oh, how super! Of course,
I'll only be eating ice cube...

Ice cubes, yeah, well, I'll
chuck a couple on the grill.

We'll get our best pals over, too.
Chance for you to make new friends.

Oh, thank you, Mister Larkin.

Bye. Ta-ra.

WHISTLES

TYPEWRITERS CLICK

DOOR CLOSES

Good afternoon to you. May I
speak to your editor, please?

He's busy. What's it
about? TYPEWRITER DINGS

Erm... Well, I've...
I've just left school,

so obviously, my thoughts have
turned to employment, and I...

Wouldn't recommend a job on a newspaper.

Everyone's very rude, and we
smoke like Battersea Power Station.

Oh. Erm...

Maybe freelance work?

DOOR OPENS Head of
Maidstone Borough Council?

Joan Timpson.

No, Tim...

Tim... fat bloke.

Oh, OK. I'll just use
that, then, shall I (?)

DOOR OPENS

Erm, I have a few samples
of my work, if you...

if you'd like a look.

Published? No, no, but,
erm... But I, erm...

Come back when you've got
experience. You look about 13.

TYPEWRITERS CLICK

WHISTLES Ivor
- try to stay within the lines!

If you hit a Roman
villa, just keep digging.

I don't want archaeologists piling
in, holding up our first swim.

All right, Prim?

No. Nothing's working,
everything's horrible.

I wish I was still at school.

Here, we was watching a programme
on the telly about Australia,

and in between picking flies out of
their teeth, they love a barbecue.

I played an Aussie once.
You have to speak like this?

As though you're asking a question?

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: It's quite tiresome?

Sausages? Yes, exactly like that.

No, do you want sausages? Oh, yes.

"And onions?" You see?

Up at the end? POP CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Dudley, how are you? There you are.

I'll just pop a couple of
thighs your way, Brigadier.

Please, go ahead.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I prefer breast.

MA AND BRIGADIER LAUGH

Stop it! Stop it, Brigadier! Just...

Oh, I do apologise. Maturity
is such an illusion, isn't it?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Corn on the cob. Get some
chicken and stuff like that.

There you go.

Pauline. Ooh, got
yourself a new boyfriend?

No, Pop, it's me, PC
Harness, in civvies.

Yeah, he looks weird out of uniform.

I normally make him wear it,
even if we're going on a picnic.

She loves my helmet.

Course she does.

So, Mariette's still
on her honeymoon, Pop?

Yeah, they're zigzagging their
way across Europe, you know,

like lunatics
- happy days.

I can't see her settling down.
She's not the mothering kind.

Pauline, darling, they said the
same about Ma. Look at her now.

Sausage? Steak? Thanks, Pop.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Ah!

Vic. Oh!

Oh, right, erm, sausage, OK... More.

Oh, more? Bit of that on
that. Lovely. Anything else?

One of those, please.

Thank you. Ha...

Off you go.

Where is he? He promised he'd be here.

He'll be here. Who'll be here?

Reverend Candy.

LOW VOICE: Leather and shandy.

Oh, yes, he seems very nice, Primrose.

Although you'd hope all
vicars would be nice.

What are you staring at?

No sign of our neighbours.

I told her to stop and
smell the flowers more.

She looked at me like I was simple.

Ma, honest, she is making an effort.

I tell you, she's not
the problem. He is.

Something not right in that family.

You shouldn't have said we'd
go. It works better this way.

We've got to let the
dog see the rabbit. Hmm.

Unlike you, I'm not good at pretending.

Blanche! Gilbert!

Apparently, there'll be games,
children, so you'll be playing them.

Games are for cretins.

Why hasn't Berndt brought the car round?

We're not taking the bloody car!

You can smell the bloody meat from here!

Daddy's even more tense
than usual. What's going on?

Well, he doesn't always like
doing what I tell him to do.

You'd think he'd be used to it by now.

Have you done a lot of weddings?

Me and Petunia loved Mariette's
wedding. We love ALL weddings.

When Zinnia and me get married...
Not to each other, obviously.

..we're gonna hire white
Shetland ponies as mascots.

You really think I care?

And we're going to dye
them different colours.

Cheers. Pop!

Angela! Where've you been?!
I know, darling. Mwah!

Stuck in the Smoke, working. THE CHUCKLE

Ma! Oh, you Larkins are the
most sociable people I know.

Oh, we love a bunfight. Born to swarm!

Actually, this one is supposedly to
soften up our tricky new neighbours.

Oh, here they come.

At least Pinkie's looking
perky. ANGELA LAUGHS

What a scream! I love a
woman with her own look.

Maybe not so much that one.

MA LAUGHS

Welcome to our humble.

Help yourself to some hot and some wet.

How lovely. We can't stay long.

Oh, dear. Why's that?

Er... Can't say.

Shall we guess? Is it medical?

Ah. Gosh, what an
extraordinary-looking family.

Er, this is Johnny Delamere.

Yes, actor
- obviously. And local VIP.

What have you been in? You name it.

Johnny's got an amazing anecdote for
every occasion, haven't you, Johnny?

Do one. A short one. A short anecdote?

Well, I can't just do one upon
a standing start. You do one!

No, no, no, wait, wait, come
back, come back, I've got one.

I... I was giving my Mister
Busybody at Birmingham Rep

when suddenly, I noticed that
there was a movement in my breeches.

And I knew the theatre
had a problem with mice,

so imagine my surprise when, suddenly,

and completely out of the blue...

Brigadier! So lovely to see you again.

CHATTER

CHILDREN LAUGHING

CHATTER

I love a firm bottom.

THEY LAUGH

Cheers!

Vicar! No sign of your new colleague?

He's not a colleague. He's a servant.

You're farm types,

so you'll know you have to break
a horse before you can ride him.

Do you wanna ride Reverend Candy?

I mean, I know people who do.

Mm... Mm.

Mm!

You stopped yourself
talking about your hubby.

You got trouble?

Oh, I think it's a
mistake to lift the lid

on one's marriage, don't you?

No, I don't. We're an
open book, Ma and me,

and a cracking good read it is an'
all. Not that I'm one for books.

Oh, I fear Mr Jerebohm might read

as a brutish, middle-aged Heathcliff.

Right, enough. You need
to tell me what that means.

He has a violent temper, and
there's been times when I...

And that's why I always
wear pink! SHE CHUCKLES

Don't hog the host, dear.
Come and look at the fowls.

BIRDS CLUCK

Primrose has left school now
- ooh, er.

Hang on to your hat, world! HE CHUCKLES

Yes, it's a chance to flee your family,

run away to join a troupe of players

or become a small-town cobbler.

I'm reviewing my options, but they
don't include those, Mr Delamere.

She writes like an angel.

You could be the next Jane Austen,
couldn't you? Ya fabulous girlie!

No offence, Prim, but all parents
think their kids are geniuses.

Turns out, they're just
donkeys like the rest of us.

I've read Primrose's
writing, and it's outstanding.

So it was you who took my
private notebook from my bag?

Fine! I'm never going to write again!

Hello.

Hiya. Gosh. So much of...

everything.

Well, you should have seen it two
hours ago, Rev. Them's the pickings.

I'd given up on you. No need to do that.

Have you always lived on a
farm? Yes. I was born here.

Pop and Ma have transformed it since...

bought more land, made the desert bloom.

I'd love to have the
same effect on a parish.

This parish, I hope. Not
that it's like a desert here.

Not in terms of sand.

Please don't be nervous of me.

I'll try not to be. POP WHISTLES

Right! It's now time for some
sophisticated entertainment!

PARTY CHATTERS EXCITEDLY

No, I'll scuff up my trousers!

Get out of the way.

MICROPHONE SQUEAKS

Right-oh, you locals, you
know the rules. Very simple.

Be kind and respectful
to your wheelbarrow.

Dudley, that means you.

Fair warning, Dudley.

I've been a performer for many years.

Always, before I go
on, I get loose bowels.

Ready, wheelbarrowers?!

Aw, this is a sight I shall
treasure for a lifetime.

The fear behind the eyes.

Ugh! Ugh!

Lovely to see youngsters
throwing themselves into it.

No, it's not working.
No higher than my knees.

Well, I'm allowed to aren't
I? I am your boyfriend.

Wheelbarrow switching is
permitted at the half-way point,

but body-checking and hand-stamping
are disqualifi-cation-able.

I tell you what, Dudley...

Should I...? Yeah. Yeah. That's better.

My wheelbarrow is very naughty.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

Let's just lie down here for a while.

He's not my brother.
It's a terrible mistake.

No, no, no. You're the
wheelbarrow, we agreed.

We agreed. Come.

I know the concept of
original sin is thorny,

but it's a lot simpler
than, say, the off-side rule.

I know! Why do people make
something so simple so complicated?

Hey, Rev, you should be
joining in with Primrose. Go on.

No, I'm fine, thanks.

What? You've got a lifetime to chat.

Wheelbarrow racing only
comes by once in a blue moon.

Go on, on you go on.
That's it, go on, join in.

Yes, Reverend!

Tuck yourself in snugly behind Primrose.

The Brigadier and I
swear by it. HE LAUGHS

Do you like to hold or
be held? I like 'em both.

Be gentle with me.

Oh...

Sorry, that... that was your... body.

All right, ducky? Yes, thanks, Poll.

Wanna swap, Pauline? What?!

No, ta.

You ready?

BOTH: On your marks... get set...

go, you wheelbarrowers!

CHATTERING, CHEERING

Faster. Faster!

Faster! Go on, girls!

Go on, twins!

Get in!

THEY GROAN

SHE GIGGLES

GUESTS: Ooh!

I'm sorry, I have to go.

Hm. This is exciting.

What is it? Treasure map? Pancake?

More exciting. One of
Primrose's writing books.

Huh. Borrowed it. Oh.

Oh, 'ey up, the sexy
professor's arrived.

She's says she's just kidding herself

about being a journalist,
but... this is brilliant.

Well, what's it about?

Family life, the passage of
childhood, country living.

Yeah, but, Ma, that's what they say.

You've gotta write about what you know.

That's why my next novel's
gonna be about cocktails

and the ecstasy of love. Wa-hey!

Oh, get off! Hands where I can see 'em.

I can't have Primrose
throwing in the towel

on top of Reverend Handsome
just running away screaming.

Mind you, that's why
they should be together -

cos he's got her sensitivity.

True. That's Prim all over.

She thinks too much. Feels too
much. Brain very fat, skin very thin.

So what are you gonna do, then, Ma?
You gonna try and hustle her a job?

Might do.

Well, you worry about her,

and I will worry about Pinkie
and that husband of hers.

You do that.

Bear in mind that this is a
woman that dresses like a prawn

and leads a double life. Hm!

So I wouldn't trust her.

Ah! Ooh! THEY LAUGH

You're a scream! Do you need a hand?

No, no, no, no. We... We could get up,

but I think we've proved today
that we are best on the horizontal.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY KISS AND MOAN

Oh, as I'm down here, give me a massage.

I'm going to give you a
special Indian massage.

What's so special about it?

It's from India. Ooh.

Home of the Sama Kutra.

SHE SCOFFS

Oh, my... Ooh, don't stop.

I shouldn't have had that last brandy.

Oh... Or the s...

seven before that.

SHE MOANS, GIGGLES

You seem to have stopped, Brigadier.

Briggy? Are we taking a breather?

BIRDS TWEET

POP WHISTLES

Ma said you'd gone
mushrooming. Mind if I come too?

Course. Couldn't sleep? No.
Thoughts going round, you know?

Ah, right.

That's it. All good?

Ah... Right. Come on.

Ooh, look at this.

Beauty.

Ha...

You know what kept me awake, Pop?

Well, I won't guess, Prim, just
in case I'm wide of the mark.

I'm in love with Reverend Candy.

Well, that's the best reason
to have trouble sleeping. Oh.

I'm afraid we have to
have one of our chats

where you explain what
men think and feel.

I would ask Charley, but he's
in Thrakomakedones with Mariette.

Well, I'm glad you said that.

So, in your own man-words,
why did Reverend Candy run off?

You wanna ask him, Prim.

No. He already feels under pressure.
That would just make it worse.

Well... I'd say he scarpered
cos he's not used to women.

Hm. And you, confusingly to me, cos
you've been a girl all your life,

are now a woman.

More.

Oh, erm... and everyone
was watching him.

No-one likes an audience
when they're courting.

And... maybe he feels that
he was cradle-snatching.

There's only about
five years between us!

Yeah, but you've gotta
take that up with him, Prim.

SHE SIGHS

Thank you.

I suppose I need to leave him alone
for a while until he's settled in.

Mm!

Angela! HE CHUCKLES

Where did you and the
General get to last night?

As far as I can remember, I
put him to bed and came back.

Sleeping in your barn
somehow seemed simpler.

How was it?

Well, I slept like a
dead sheep. THEY LAUGH

Stonking party yesterday. Yeah.

Only you and Ma could throw a
barbecue that lasts for ten hours.

THEY LAUGH

I'm afraid I didn't warm
to your new neighbours. No.

Mister needs a punch in the
face. Well, join the queue.

Spooky kids are not exactly an
advertisement for family life.

Yeah, there is something amiss there.

Pinkie nearly let on
but stopped herself.

You sort it out. Yeah.

I'm gonna find a lay-by
to fall asleep in.

SHE LAUGHS

Right. ENGINE STARTS

Sorry!

Ah. Good day.

May I speak to the editor,
please? What's it about?

I have a sample of writing
work. Leave it here.

I'd rather speak to the editor.

Oof. You lot like a fag, don't you?

Where is he? Or indeed
she. Fat chance of that (!)

Ah.

Try switching to worry beads.

Sorry to barge in.

I am a loyal reader of
the, erm... What is it?

Mid Kent Times. Thank you.

And my daughter, Primrose
Larkin, has written an article

which I'd like you to
consider for the newspaper.

It's very good. Do read it.

Otherwise, you won't
know how good it is.

What is she? Six years old?

No. She's just turned 18.

Well, then, why didn't she bring it in?

She did, but like a
lot of girls her age,

they're not as secure in their
talents as they should be.

Despite being quite mouthy,

she allowed herself to be sent packing.

HE SIGHS, CLEARS HIS THROAT

No. I can't read this.
It's not typed up.

Fine.

If I may borrow your typewriter here,

I'll type it up while you
luxuriate in your own specialness.

Is your daughter like you?

You be the judge. Have a read.

Or I could read it aloud to
you in my best reading voice.

OK. I'll give it a read. Thank you.

She doesn't know I've taken
it, so if you don't want it,

I'd like it back, please.

Have some mushrooms.

Lorks, it's exhausting being a parent.

TELEVISION CRACKLES

I've done the washing-up,
having cooked your meal,

and I've made the beds and fed the cat,

and to be honest... I haven't got a cat.

Oh.

Well, erm... I fed the cat
that was in the kitchen.

And to be honest, I feel I'm doing
more than my fair share of the work.

Course you are. You're the junior help.

I'm not, actually.

I'm a fully qualified
vicar, like yourself.

All right, we're both bananas,
but I'm the big banana.

It's good, this. I never miss it.

Isn't it a bit silly? Yeah.

Completely inane. I can
feel my brain dissolving.

I'm afraid I have something to say.

I'm planning to leave
the parish... already.

Why? Because you treat me like a skivvy!

And I am also in...

a certain amount of emotional turmoil.

You see, he has to
guess which ball it is.

HE SIGHS, CAT MEOWS

CAT MEWS AND PURRS

Hello.

No, you're quite right,
that wasn't a question. Er...

Is your sister Primrose in?

Prim!

HORSE GRUNTS

DOOR SQUEAKS Hello?

Can I help you? You
can if you're Primrose.

I am she. And I am he.

Harvey Baker, editor
of the Mid Kent Times.

What are you doing here?

Ah, spoken like a journalist.
Which is how you write.

Your mother brought in your piece

entitled How To Grow Up In The
Countryside In Ten Easy Lessons.

My mother? Did she claim
I was party to this?

Ah, now you sound like
a solicitor. HE SHUDDERS

Don't do that, that's
boring. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

No, she suggested you
lack assertiveness.

Oh, did she? When
you're not being mouthy.

I'm just quoting. That's what we do.

Well, you can just go ahead
and give my article back.

With pleasure.

But it's in the paper today, so I
hope you enjoy it when you read it.

Cheque's in the post.

Well, you should have
asked before publishing it.

Assertive enough?

Your cheque's not really in the post.

That's what's known in
journalism as a big, fat lie.

But good on the
assertiveness. Thank you.

Do you want a job on the newspaper?

It's not much money.
Long hours, often dull,

and we'll let you go in three
months if you're not up to it.

Yes. Yes. Excellent.

Come in on Monday, 8am. Well done.

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Don't read the news.

We already know people are
horrible and do bad things.

No, this is an article by
Primrose. Oh, I'm very proud.

And don't be one of those mothers
who goes on and on about their kids.

You dreary, old parson.

Try being more like your
gorgeous Reverend Candy.

I wouldn't get used to him.

Oh, you haven't driven him
away already, have you? Edith!

Have a newspaper on me. Oh.

"Milk float crashes into pillar box."

Yes, that's terrible news. No, page 12.

Primrose wrote it! First
attempt, straight in.

Little Primrose? God, I
remember when she was born.

It was during an air raid, wasn't it?

Yes. Between you and the sirens,
there was a lot of wailing.

Cheers, Ma. On me, Johnny.

Ah. Do enjoy page 12.

Oh, what's in it,
darling? Is it about me?

No. It's not about me?

Perhaps I'm on another page.

New job delivering
newspapers, Mrs Larkin?

That's a step up.

Bless you for your
experiment with humour, Norma.

Primrose has written an article.

What's it about?

Growing up with a
family you're ashamed of?

Oh, no, thank you, Mrs Larkin.
I hate getting ink on my fingers.

Just read it, Libby.

Of course. Delighted. Super. Thank you.

Little does she know.

POP WHISTLES

PHONE RINGS

Larkin by name, larkin' by nature.

PINKIE, SOBBING: 'Please, help me.'

All right, hang on, stay
calm. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We'll sort this out. What's happened?

My husband, Mister Jerebohm...

Yeah, yeah, I know who your husband is.

'Oh, sorry, I'm not myself.'

He's had a jealous fit, and
he's left the house in a fury,

but he'll be back soon.

He's gonna make my life hell.

Is this what you've
been trying to tell me,

he's been bullying you? 'Yes.'

I've been living in fear,
but now I'm really frightened.

Right, come and stay with us.

No, it'll just make
things worse. He hates you.

Where are the kids?

'Staying with his vile goblin mothers.'

You know, it's him who
makes me dress in pink.

I'd love to try green or something.

Oh, Pinkie, I'm so sorry. 'I
need to get away for good.'

But he doesn't give me any money
- I have to beg him for it.

You couldn't lend me some, could you?

Of course. No problem.

Oh, could you? Oh.

Just enough so I can get to
a hotel for a couple of weeks

and... figure out what to do next.

Right, I'm on my way.

What a skunk.

You all right in there, Vicar?

MUFFLED: "Let me out!"

I'm off now, Vicar.

If you're God in cat form, I'm sorry...

but I'm still leaving.

CAT PURRS

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

The editor of the Mid Kent Times has
offered me a trial as a journalist!

I know. We was hiding behind a bush.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Thanks, Ma.

What would I do without you?

You'd have got there!

But it would've taken
longer, and we're busy people.

SHE LAUGHS

Aw!

Where's Pop? We need to celebrate.

He had to go to Bluff
Court on some emergency.

So, you're staying, then?

Yes. I think so.

Right.

Well, I'll cook this evening.

Thank you. What made
you change your mind?

There's a lot of work
to do in the parish.

And I have a calling.

MUFFLED ARGUING

Pinkie?

Pinkie? Pinkie?!

Oh, my God.

You! I knew it.

This comes as no surprise to me.

Oh, yeah, good one (!)
Are you all right, Pinkie?

It's Mrs Jerebohm to you.

And of course I'm all right,
apart from being burgled.

Oh... Oh, I'm very disappointed in you.

Come on, then, what's the set-up?

What's in the holdall? Your
wife knows what's in it.

She said she needed
it, so I brought it over

cos I'm a generous
and trusting neighbour.

KNOCK ON DOOR PC HARNESS: Hello?

Oh... Come in, quickly.

Evening.

PC Harness, arrest this man
for breaking and entering.

Well, what's your proof?

Well, he's come in through the window,

there's nothing left in the
safe, and he's carrying a holdall.

What's in it? Well, that
ain't a pound of sugar, is it?

Yes, it's the contents
of our safe. Cash.

Is there cash in there, Pop?

Yes, there is.

Then I'm afraid I gonna
have to take you down

to the police station, Mr Larkin.

It's fortunate we'd
called PC Harness here

to discuss a donation we're
making to the local police charity.

Oh, yeah, Alec, that is very handy (!)

Did your husband put you up to
this, or are you just as bad as him?

Cos this ain't gonna work.
I don't know what you mean.

Constable, please stop him bullying me.

I hope you're gonna cuff him.

Now... if you believe them,

you have got to be the most
gullible copper in Kent.

Y'know, in fact, I know you are. Oh!

Ah!

I'm gonna enjoy this when
this all blows up in your face.

BELL RINGS

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