All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything s02e05 Privacy.eng

- VIV: There was a loud noise
and we didn't know what it was.

But it was Fuzz Butt.

And this part is so funny.

She hit the rake with her paw
and ran away.

JAMES: So funny.

Hey, remember when we talked
about knocking

on the bathroom door
when it's closed?

- I remember that.
- JAMES: Great.

The next step is doing that.

- Let's take a picture
of Fuzz Butt with your phone.

- JAMES: Yeah.
I can't wait to see it.

The bathroom
is personal and private.

Please knock next time. Okay?

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- ASTRID: As soon as your kids
can move, your privacy is dead.

- JAMES: Hmm, it's more
like the list of things

you can enjoy privately
gets smaller.

- ASTRID: Kids eavesdrop,
snoop, gossip.

- JAMES: They sleep in your bed
and eat your secret food.

- ASTRID: Oh, if you mean
that bag of popcorn

in your underwear drawer,
that was me.

Just one moment.

Just, just one moment,
I said. Hi.

I can wait.

[theme music playing]

- ENNIS: James and I will
take care of the whole thing.

Just think of it
as a nightclub for groceries.

Hey. I heard my name.

I just wanted
to see what was going on

and clarify
that I'm not part of it.

- MARLA: James,
come and sit in my big office.

Ennis was just going above
and beyond

pitching ideas for Baggies Buys.

- Well, it only counts
above and beyond

if he's also doing
his actual job.

- Oh, I think it's going fine.
No news is good news, right?

- Ennis has an idea, and I want
my number one Lieutenant

to help him make it happen.

- We dim the lights low
in the grocery store

like at a Hollister.

- No. That idea
angered me via gummies.

ENNIS: Right. Okay.

So you know my cousin
who marketed that line

of canned gin drinks,
Gindestructible.

- Oh, no.
- He created a very tasty

line of kid snacks for lunches.

- MARLA: We're meeting
with the board next week

to discuss unique foods

for the Baggies Buys
line of groceries launch.

All we have so far is my idea
for canned bananas.

- We'll call them Cananas.
- Oh, that's fun.

- You guys don't have
any red flags about a company

that makes only gin drinks
and gummies for kids?

And they also make bongs.

- MARLA: James, I want you to go
meet the vendor with Ennis.

- All right.
- Oh, meet--okay. Today?

Because I have
actual work to do.

- Go tomorrow.
- Marla, that's a Saturday.

Then you're gone.

Bye-bye. [groans]

Oh, it's Nanima.

- Can you get that for me,
please?

FELIX: Yeah.

Hi, Nanima.

- One sec.
- JAMES: Hey, hey, hey.

That's your grandmother.

Maybe have
a conversation with her.

Hi.

Good. Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

- JAMES: What?
- Felix, that is very rude.

Hi, Mom.

Good.

Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Everything okay?

- She bailed
on babysitting next week.

[groans] No, that's fine.

I'm sure the tall boy
with the allergies

is still available.

- You know,
she's been bailing a lot lately.

And she didn't go on and on
about some friend of hers

that I barely know with
strangely specific afflictions.

- Yes. I'm still haunted
by Pamela

with the skin condition
who was kicked

by a horse on her birthday.

- You know,
every time she's this private,

it's because she's made
a huge mistake

and she's trying to hide it.

Like when she bought
that home sauna kit

and wanted
to install it herself.

- You know, if we moved
to a small town,

we could afford a sauna,
and hot tub.

Make winters easier.
Just saying.

We're moving away?

- What? No, babe.
Dad and I are just talking.

I mean, your father's talking
and I'm feigning interest.

How long
have you been listening?

- Since you said
a horse kicked a birthday girl.

- Oh, speaking of pretending
to care, I have to help Ennis.

Excuse me.

Keys back in the pocket, please.

- Oh, fine.
- Thank you.

I've got to help Ennis
pitch another one

of his meathead cousin's
dumpster fire business ideas.

- You know what? I'm gonna go
over there, do some digging.

Felix, why don't you draw
Nanima a picture?

We'll take it over,
say it's your idea.

Okay.

♪

Hi, Mom.

It's us.

Sorry to pop in.

Felix just had to see you.

- I didn't say that.
- Shh. Yes, you did.

- Hey.
- Jesus, Dawn, you scared us.

- I wasn't scared.
- Yes, you were.

- What are you doing here?
- Same as you.

Mom's been ghosting me,
which she hasn't done

since she bought
that timeshare in Banff.

- Did you find anything?
- No,

but I've watered all her plants
and color-coded her bookshelves.

- All right. I'll look
for any brochures on racehorses.

- You're going
through Nanima's things?

Yes. But it's okay.

It's not like we're invading
her privacy.

- I'm gonna check her email.
- Good. Hmm.

- NISHA: We could plug it in
right next to the [indistinct]

Dawn, hide.

Hi, Mom.

Astrid. Felix.

What, what,
what are you doing here?

Dawn's hiding right there.

Is everything okay?

- Well, we could ask
the same of you.

Ignoring phone calls,
canceling plans,

letting your asparagus fern
completely dry out?

- ASTRID: The walls
are closing in, mother.

Anything you'd like to admit?

That I'm busy living my life.

Thank you.

But now that you're here,
I'd like you to take

the rest of your old boxes
out of the spare bedroom.

What?

You love our old boxes.

Ma, what's going on?

None of your beeswax.

Now, up to your old room.

Go.

Buddy.

- JAMES: Looks like the den
where crime hibernates.

- Listen, don't judge
a book by its cover, all right?

I know you can tell a lot
about a book

by its cover,
but this is not a book.

James, it's a place,
there's a difference.

- There he is.
- Burke.

Cuz.

James.

Welcome to my office, brother.

Also my home, as my fiancée
and I figure a few things out.

- Candy.
- Yeah.

From a stranger in a van.

It's kind of red flag 101, Viv.

So, Burke,
my man, how did you go

from Gindestructible
to making gummies?

- I tried making these, like,
weed gummies but with booze.

But it's a hard sell
since kids can just soak

regular gummies in vodka
and get the same effect.

- Why are you targeting kids?
- Sorry.

Teenagers.

- Anyway,
Burke stopped using alcohol

and now they're just
delicious healthy gummies.

- Because they're made
from the waste byproduct

of the gin flavoring process,
they're cheap.

- What kind of meat
is your head?

Daddy said you're a meathead.

- Is your head ham?
- Yeah. That's...

- I smell ham.
- No.

She's being--Viv's very funny.

I--no, I did not say that.

- You said Ennis
had his meathead cousin

- are a dumpster fire.
- I did not.

That doesn't even sound like me.
So, I didn't say that.

Yes, it does.

No, I did not say that.

I did not say that.

- Yes, you did.
- Doesn't sound like me.

It's not a thing I would say.

- I have lab results
and a nutritional breakdown.

Please tell your daughter
I'm legit.

- Can I just talk to you
for a second, over here?

Hey, hey, hey. You cannot
repeat private conversations

you overhear with me
and Mommy,

- do you understand me?
- Yes, Daddy.

♪

- BO: I'm glad
you came to me with this.

- Is it dangerous?
It's dangerous.

I'm taking Viv
to the emergency room. Viv.

- VIV: I'm busy!
- BO: No, it's fine.

- See? He says it's fine.
- Okay. So...

- You're hurting feelings
over here.

I said sorry.

- BO: I just meant
I'm so happy to see you, two.

Dawn is out, Corey is at
a commedia dell'arte class.

That sets the stage

for three pals
to get their friend on.

We're all friends, right?

- This is business,
not Golden Girls.

Do you wanna eat cheesecake
or do you wanna make some money?

- Both, please.
Sounds like heaven.

Everything in here is either
safe to eat or actually healthy.

- Still hard sell.
Made from the sludge byproduct

of a gin drink
for bros, for kids.

Marketing is my specialty.

So, how does that help us?

Oh, you're offering to actually
help us. That's nice.

- Have you asked
for a cut of the sales?

You're entitled to a percentage
if it hits the shelves.

That's a good point.

You're goddamn right, James.

♪

Oh, looky what I found.

What did you call this?
Your, um, death diary.

- Okay. We don't need
to go through that.

- Oh, you used
to write poetry in there.

They were songs.

Inspired by Mom
and Dad's divorce.

My biggest hit was, uh,
"Custody of My Black Heart."

- What do you mean hit?
- Okay.

Why don't we just focus
on Mom, okay?

What if she's hiding something?

What if she's sick?

- I call dibs
on her rocking chair.

That is your first reaction?

- I kissed my first boyfriend
in that chair.

Retainer Rob?

- He was hot and he was
a big deal in the AV club.

Mom, can we go?

Nanima's on the phone
and I can't hear the movie

because she's laughing too loud.

Mom laughs.

What do the laughs sound like?

[chuckles]

- [gasps]
That's her flirt laugh.

What's a flirt laugh?

- One of the many fake laughs
a woman develops to stay alive.

- Huh?
- Don't worry about it, Felix.

Go on. Go play.

- So, she didn't buy
a timeshare,

she is dating again.

- Remember that really tall
dentist who drove very slow?

- Or the guy who said
he was good at the yo-yo,

but kept forgetting it at home?

- What if we're making space
for someone to move in?

♪

- [chuckles]
- Well, well, well.

Look who's texting
her secret boyfriend.

What are you talking about?

We know you're seeing someone.

How do you know it's someone?

Maybe I'm taking
a new lover every night.

- Oh, just tell us the truth.
- Mom, why?

Fine.

There's a man
in my life and I'm setting up

that room
for when he stays over.

- You're making him
sleep in another room?

He has a loud machine.

[Dawn snorts]

- What kind of machine?
- NISHA: No.

Whenever I date someone,
you find a ridiculous flaw

that I can't get out of my head.

Like that cute waiter
I was seeing

until you said
laughed like Goofy.

So then I tried
to be serious all the time,

but he loved
my Frasier Crane impression.

So, that was that.

- We just want you to date
someone good enough for you.

And that doesn't collect dolls.

I'm not telling you anything.

Butt out.

- I'm just...
- All right. That's fair.

Felix, did you overhear a name
when she was on the phone?

- Well, she said,
"Not now, Graham."

And then did that laugh.

Graham.

♪

♪

So, Viv's just gonna be
stuffing her face

with experimental candy all day?

- It's more
of a focus group,

and I use focus loosely
because it's Ennis,

Bo, Cory, and Viv and sugar.

Is that a good idea?

- Honestly, no.
But I insulted his cousin.

So, he gets
to mess with our family.

- It's only fair.
- How'd you insult his cousin?

- You hear that?
But you don't hear me

telling you to go
clean your room ten times a day?

- ASTRID:
Despite always listening in,

kids have pretty
selective hearing.

They can hear the word ice cream
from anywhere in the house,

but other things
never seem to sink in.

- Well, can I play
a podcast while I clean?

- Sure,
but something educational

or where a group of guys riff.

Come on, kiddo.

- ASTRID: All right.
Using deduction and Facebook.

Ah.

- I've narrowed my search
down to three Grahams.

- Uh-hmm. Hmm.

Do you think
you can take one of our children

when you go spy on your mother?

I'll bring Felix.

- He's observant.
- Uh-hmm.

- I can pay him off
with ice cream.

FELIX: Yes.

♪

- Oh, Corey's out, Felix,
but you can play

with these bags
of reclaimed wooden toys

that I've set aside
for goodwill.

Okay.

- So, I dug up a little intel
on Mom's dirty little secret.

So she follows Graham
on Instagram but his account

is just pictures
of hawks eating mice.

- Hmm.
- There's a twist.

He has no other social media.

No Twitter,
no LinkedIn, no TikTok.

- So, your big twist is that
he has good mental health?

- The twist
is that he's a ghost.

Another sketchy weirdo friend
that lives off the grid,

like that guy
who shaved his forehead.

- Or the comedian
with the microphone tattoo?

That's a pretty cool tattoo.

No, it's not.

- I also made some calls
to a private eye

who I paid to find out
everything about him.

- You hired
a private investigator?

Don't make that face.

I have him
on retainer for work.

It's normal, Astrid.

- Who cares about boring you.
Tell me about Graham.

- I could or I could take you
to the kitchenware store

where he works and show you.

♪

- This is not
a kitchenware store.

- Hmm. Yeah.
My private eye is not very good.

Oh, my God.

Is that him?

- Okay. This might be
Mom's weirdest boyfriend yet.

- Wait.
Nanima has a boyfriend?

Shh, just go look around.

- Oh, cool. Bullets.
- Don't touch or glorify them.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Oh, hey there.
- Hi.

- What are you two
prepping for today?

- Oh, just the usual
end-of-the-world stuff.

- Well, then I suggest
stocking up on beans.

Don't spill them.

People think
you can't keep a secret.

[snorts, laughs]

[both fake laughing]

That's a funny joke.

- Also water purification
tablets,

the iodine in those
will help protect you

against radiation poisoning,

so you can
recycle your body fluids.

- You mean,
drink your own urine.

ASTRID: Uh, Graham.

If one were to want
to, oh, I don't know,

overthrow the government.

Is this the kind
of store one would shop in?

Excuse me.

I have a lunch date
with a very magical woman.

- Hi.
- Oh, Dawn, quickly.

Felix? Felix?

Astrid?

Hi, Mom.

Dawn's hiding under that mask.

Unbelievable.

- What? You guys
all know each other here?

Yeah. Sorry.

We didn't mean to trick you,
but Nisha's our mother.

- Oh, please.
Don't be sorry for anything.

This is the nicest Ambush
I've ever been involved in.

BO: Okay.

Let's start by saying
how the gummies

make us feel and see
if that triggers any ideas?

I still feel betrayed.

Well, I feel frustrated.

I'm getting notes of plum.

Do any of those inspire names?

- Uh, Chew chunks,
swallow amigos. No.

- Choose your friends wisely.
That could be good.

- Uh-hmm. Okay.

Call them Doritos.

- That name's
already taken, Wonder Girl.

Dance of the sugar plum gummy.

- Glad I brought
my mind an umbrella

because this quite
the brainstorm.

How about Fruity Buddies?

That's not bad.

- BO: It evokes a tale
of humble beginnings

two best buddies creating
a revolutionary product,

weathering the storm.

They won't let a little spat
spoil what they've got

because buddies, good buddies,

fruity buddies,
they love each other, man.

- I mean...
- Yeah, it's, it's pretty good.

- That's good.
- ...it sounds fine.

That's good. I guess.

Now, we just need a slogan.

They're just good.

- That's not so bad.
- Right? The slogan?

- Nope. Why wouldn't you bring
an actual kid to the pitch?

- Oh, yeah.
Having a sweet face there

could really take the edge
off the fact that these candies

are essentially made
from industrial byproducts.

♪

- GRAHAM: That's why I don't
buy ducks raised on a farm.

They deserve autonomy
over their own lives.

Anyway, that's my duck tale.

[Nisha laughing]

Over here.

On me.

Thank you very much.

You know, there's nothing better
than paying with currency

that you can hold in your hands
and send a message.

They didn't charge us
for the desserts again,

my darling.

They never do.

How generous is that?
I got to go say thank you

to all the people in the back.

Excuse me.

- You said you wouldn't snoop,
what's the first thing you do?

- Mom, you never had a boyfriend
that moved in before.

So if...

Felix, why don't you go
buy yourself a candy bar?

Thank you.

- It makes sense
that we wanna vet this one more.

- We just wanted to make sure
you are in good hands.

- NISHA: Okay.
Let's hear it then.

What's wrong with him?

Is he a flat-earther,
ocean denier, a winter cyclist?

- Well, he's preparing
for the end of the world

so he's a little pessimistic.

No. Stop.

I am lucky
to have two very funny,

very observant daughters
that I love.

And I have precisely
zero F's to give

about what they have
to say to me right now.

- Mom, you know
what those F stand for, right?

- Farts.
- DAWN: Mom, please.

He sells weapons
legally, but still--

Zero.

I will keep my private life
and my family life separate.

And I will thank you
to butt out.

Oh, honey. It's okay.

Nanima's just upset
because she wanted us

to like her boyfriend
and we're just not sure yet.

- I thought she wanted you
to be happy for her.

Wow, kid.

That's so insightful.

- Do you think I could fit this
whole chocolate bar in my mouth?

- JAMES: And that's the story
of how Fruity Buddies

went from being a star
in the sky

to a treat in our mouth.

[applause]

Well done, gentlemen.

Um, unfortunately,
I have a doctor's appointment

to get to, but I'd like
to hear a little more.

How are they made?

Ah, I got this, James.

I assume you're all familiar
with the process

of flavoring canned gin drinks?

No.

- Uh, I don't know
what to say to now.

- Yeah, I do.
Uh, they are made from sludge

that is normally dumped
in the garbage

or perhaps more likely a river.

Sludge?

No one wants to eat sludge.

- JAMES: Yes,
but my friend's cousin,

found a way to make that sludge

not only edible but delicious.

And that's a win for both
the environment and our mouths.

- Vivian.
- Yes.

As a child, what do you think?

They're just good.

And they made my poo blue.

- What?
- MARLA: Vivian. Tell me.

Did these gummies
change the color

of your bowel movements?

[whispers] Yes.

[sighs, laughs]

- Thank God.
Sam, cancel my appointment.

The gummies are out, obviously,

but I have a--another food item

that I Cananot wait
to, uh, tell you about.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

♪

Yes?

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.

Hello.

- We know you probably
don't wanna hear this,

but we--we did some digging
on Graham.

- Uh-hmm.

Remember how many Fs?

He has a nice laugh.

He does have a great laugh.

His legs are strong looking.

He has powerful quads.

When he runs,
it's like two meat pistons.

Um, I found out that his store

donates a lot
to the Toronto Food Bank.

- His credit history
is impeccable.

- She has a private eye.
- Uh-hmm.

We brought you these.

Graham is your business,

but when you're ready
to spill the beans,

we'd love to hear.

No judgment.

Are these from his store?

- No. No.
- We--because we went

- to the store, it was--
- These are just from my house.

- It was closed.
- It's my container.

Thank you.

It's how it should be.

I mean,
you'd never hear me going on

about the things
that are wrong with James or Bo.

- I'd actually love
to hear all the things

- 8wrong with James and Bo.
- Me too.

Well, come on in.

ASTRID: Having a family means

having people
up in your business.

- JAMES: Yeah.
You might sometimes

find yourself sneaking off

to, like, just be alone.

- ASTRID: But you--
you won't be alone.

They'll find you with a weird
question or a pressing need.

- JAMES:
Or to tell you everything

they know about trees.

- ASTRID: Or to share
your secret snacks.

JAMES: And, yeah, you may have

fewer bags
of popcorn to yourself.

- ASTRID: Well, at least
you're not eating popcorn alone.

- JAMES: Uh-hmm. To be clear,
I wanna eat popcorn alone.

I do not want people
to see the way I eat popcorn.

- ASTRID: Oh, I love
the way you eat popcorn.

Reckless and desperate,
like Cookie Monster.

Yeah. [laughs]

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't knock.

- What if I really have to go
or I forget to knock?

- Don't forget.
- Fine.

No. That's on the inside.

You have to do that
from the outside.

Go outside, try it again.

Fine.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Viv.

I'm really struggling
with this one.

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